six things i’ve thought about tiger woods, elin nordegren, and golfgate

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1. a nurse at a hospital for albino roaches. the guy who rocks the michelin man costume outside of the jiffy lube on penn avenue every monday afternoon. the head dishwasher at tuesday’s state dinner. the person from alcoa in charge of nicky minaj’s ass-upkeep.

these are just a few of the things i’d rather be than a global celebrity. while the perks of fame and fortune are definitely attractive, i can’t fathom gaining them at the expense of losing the ability to keep even a modicum of privacy. while none of us know exactly what went on in tiger’s driveway thursday night, we can all bet on the fact this story will be perpetually regurgitated and recycled at least until 2010.

i even felt kind of bad for tiger for a minute last weekend, at least until i remembered that the number of square feet his home sits on is bigger than my yearly salary.

with that being said…

2. between shelly o’s ascension from national prominence to world icon, golfgate, and the steve mcnair incident, the whole “black men with money are better off with non-black women because they’re easier to deal with” argument has had a worse 2009 than kanye’s hair

3. apparently elin nordegren is a big jazmine sullivan fan. who knew?

4. i’m not a fan of calling people f*cking f*gs (no mcclurkin), but any grown-ass man pouting about the domestic battery double standard between the typical public reaction about golfgate and the chris brown case probably deserves that title.

yeah, yeah, yeah. i know hitting and scratching and busting blasian cats upside the head with titanium putters is wrong, regardless of gender. and, an episode of ‘law and order: special victims unit’ i caught on the usa network last year taught me that male spousal abuse is a very serious issue.

but, come on, man. you can’t compare an (approximately) 5’8′, 115 pound woman getting her ass kicked by a man who’s six inches and 60 pounds of muscle bigger with the world’s most dominant athlete getting chased out of his thirty-two million square foot crib at 2 in the morning by a swedish nanny, and you especially can’t use this as your basis for why “some b*tches need their asses kicked” (overheard in my barbershop saturday afternoon. admittedly though, while i don’t agree with the sentiment behind his statement, i do agree that some b*tches do need their asses kicked)

5. as of monday, november 30th, 2009, the list of black male celebrities who’d get the least amount of R.A.U.S.A.S (“relationship acrimony unconditional sympathy and support“) points with sistas reads as…

1. tiger woods. 2. michael jordan. 3. wesley snipes. 4. kobe bryant. 5 (tie). taye diggs, terrence howard, and that n*gga who played the father in ‘precious’

6.  as of monday, november 30th, 2009, i’ve officially filed “since i’m not a billionaire, i don’t think i’d have any chance of getting the benefit of the doubt if any random legal mess occurred” as reason #137 on the champ’s list of “137 really non-racist reasons why i never have and most likely never will date a white woman

—the champ

  • harlemhoney

    I LOVE #3! LOL.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @harlemhoney,

      i love lamp!!

      • Madame Zenobia

        @The Champ,
        Do you really love lamp? Or are you just saying that because you saw it?

  • shay-d-lady

    lol I guess it teaches that if u gone get a 2520 get a local one cause they don’t raise lightweights across seas! meanwhile I been laughing my a$$ off picturing how it went down lol

    • Blacklaw

      @shay-d-lady, you and me bof ….you and me bof

    • Blue Skyez

      @shay-d-lady,

      I totally agree those European raised ones seem like that ain’t no joke!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @shay-d-lady,

      they don’t raise lightweights across seas!

      lol, so you’re basically saying that america is home of the free, land of the not-so-brave white woman?

      • juli

        @The Champ, I think american white women (I am one) are very used to the mess that men bring, and so worn down by it that we don’t have it in us to react that dramatically. Maybe women from Europe actually expect men to treat them with respect and be faithful? LOL

  • Madame Zenobia

    Honest to goodness I didn’t know Elin had it in her….which brings me to the convo I’ve been having with friends: Will this be an OJ situation where all h*ll will eventually break loose or will this be a Kobe situation where ish hits the fan for a minute but a few years later its just a blip?

    Personally, in athlete terms I’d lean to OJ but I really think its going to be a Phil Hartman situation. (If you’re unfamiliar: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phil_Hartman, go to death section)

    Something about this doesn’t feel quite right a la OJ or Hartman. With Kobe (or Roethlisberger) you immediately got the gold digger/set-up vibe. With this and OJ/Hartman you get the queasy “Oooh, ewww….you know you effed up, right?” vibe. However this shakes out – its not going to be pretty and the squeaky clean, drama-free, robot-esque facade of Tiger Woods will forever be ruined. Which I think is unfortunate. I didn’t realize how much I appreciated him for being an amazing athlete that was supposedly above all the TMZ /Us Weekly blullshlict until this happened. I’m not gonna lie – in the long run this will probably tarnish him a little bit for me. Which may or may not be unfair – but it is what it is.

    In VSB news: I’m completely co-signing #’s 1 & 2.

    MZ Out.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Madame Zenobia,

      Personally, in athlete terms I’d lean to OJ but I really think its going to be a Phil Hartman situation. (If you’re unfamiliar: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phil_Hartman, go to death section)

      so you think tiger is gonna get murked next to a swimming pool?

      • Madame Zenobia

        @The Champ,
        At the very least he’s gonna get shanked. Its always the quiet ones, the ones you don’t suspect who have the crazy ish happen to them.

  • http://jdivaonline.com ChaoticDiva

    You. Are. A. Mess.

    • http://Ifollowyall...findme. LittleMissStrange

      @ChaoticDiva,

      A hot mess…..but Im loving it.

      And yes this will be making the water cooler tomorrow.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @ChaoticDiva,

      i try and sh*t

  • charli skipper

    you know what? i don’t even have sh*t to say. i just approve this whole post.
    okay, i do have something to say.#2 is my favorite. and its true. and i love it. and i love how elin went off on tiger’s wack a*s because now i officially can no longer accept any black man’s argument about how black women are crazy and white women are sweet and submissive. becky will try her damndest to bash your face in with your own golf club. and you and i both know it. the end.

    • OrangeStar616

      @charli skipper, man whoever believed #2 TBW was a LAME …..LLS!!!

  • Xavier bryant

    Where was Tiger going at 2:00 in the morning?

    Why was his back windows in the caddy smashed up?

    Why won’t he talk to the cops if he has nothing to hide?

    What does his girl need with a 7 Iron at 2:00 in the morning?

    That’s what he gets for messing with a woman while he is married!!!

    • Ivy St.

      @Xavier bryant,
      Where was Tiger going at 2:00 in the morning?
      -To get cigarettes…

      Why was his back windows in the caddy smashed up?
      -His other baby momma showed up at the house looking for her money or Tony Soparano. LOL!

      Why won’t he talk to the cops if he has nothing to hide?

      What does his girl need with a 7 Iron at 2:00 in the morning?
      -You just never know. I’m sure he has them all over the house.

      That’s what he gets for messing with a woman while he is married!
      -Yeah, about that…

      • V Renee

        @Ivy St.,

        @Xavier bryant,
        Where was Tiger going at 2:00 in the morning?
        -To get cigarettes…
        .

        LMAO!!! That nic was just calling him, calling him. It was so bad, it had him hallucinating. He thought the fire hydrant was the 7-11. LMAO

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Xavier bryant,

      welcome and sh*t

  • Blacklaw

    My Two Pennies

    Im not gonna get all “Legally Negro” or anything cuz it would bore you to tears…..but just allow yourself a few moments to picture what went thru Tiger’s head………here is your law school fact pattern

    Very athletic male seen lying on the ground outside his car which crashed at too low a speed to deploy air bags but was strong enough to have a professional athlete in and out of consciousness bleeding from his mouth. By witness accounts (victim and his wife), the first person to arrive on the scene was victim’s wife with a golf club in tow. Minor damage to SUV warranted a breaking of the back windshield (i assume because opening the hatch would have been too difficult) so that 125 pound wife could carry athletic man (roughly 200 pounds of solid muscle) out of “totalled” (slightly damaged) SUV . Police say victim had lacerations on his face……What r we to think Tiger was thinking bout?!

    possibility 1: tiger in a fit of (i want my stereotypical asian inability to drive to be fodder for future snl sketches) inexplicable lack of focus from a man known for focus under extreme pressure crashed into a tree/fire hydrant and sustained some injuries and luckily his wife was there.

    Possibility 2: wife whipped his a$$, scratches, lacerations, etc…broke out his car window……Tiger (and that Stanford education) said “I got golf tournaments and public engagements and a lot of money on my looking presentable…..I’d better try to cover this up” ran into a tree/fire hydrant….and probably sustained some real injuries too (fire hydrants, though comedicly moveable in cartoons are pretty well fastened to the ground)

    Possibility 3 Tiger was in drastic need to depart from his uncannily drama free image and is in effect, “zapping” us…..which we know will go wrong (see Chappelle Show season 2)

    Oh I cant wait for this to get a few days older so the jokes can really start……..Go black early Tiger and avoid the rush

    • miss t-lee

      @Blacklaw,
      I’ll take door #2 Monty…

    • kingpinenut

      @Blacklaw,

      smgdh #2

      you hit the nail man

      what did the onstar folks say?

      • http://wheresana.blogspot.com/ Intellectual Hedonist

        @kingpinenut, TRANSCRIPT FROM ONSTAR

        onstar: “hello this is onstar”
        TWoods: “my wife is beating the crap out of me with my nine iron”
        onstar: “I’m sorry sir, did you say nine iron? are you sure its not a putter”
        TWoods: “(insert explative) I think I would know if it was a putter, they my own damn clubs”

        • Kaye

          @Intellectual Hedonist, LOL

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Blacklaw,

      i’m thinking of going with number two as well.

    • ComicBookGuy

      @Blacklaw,

      #2 FTW.

  • Ivyette

    Think about it-who else would be able to turn away the cops twice during an investigation?
    Now we just have to wait for Tiger’s swelling to go down and for them to get their stories straight. I know Earl must be doing back flips in his grave!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Ivyette,

      Think about it-who else would be able to turn away the cops twice during an investigation?

      lol, thats some sh*t that really proves that money and class have begun to completely trump race on the american special privileges hierarchy.

  • NayNay

    LOL! I’d like to see the other 136 reasons on that list…

    Christmas present!! :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @NayNay,

      me too

  • Jamaicangirl

    Me three, i bet she came out swinging and speaking Swedish. lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Jamaicangirl,

      “she came out swinging and speaking Swedish”

      if i had a dollar for every time a conversation with my boys started with that sentence…