Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

Six Things I’ve Learned About Women In The Last Six Years

***Limiting it to the last six years, because well, a lot has happened in the last six years. Plus, nothing that happens in the first 25 years of your life matters, anyway***

1. When they say “You know, I can enjoy sex without having an orgasm”—it’s actually (well, usually actually) the f*cking truth!

I imagine that I’m not the only man who’s had trouble understanding this concept. For (most of) us, sex without an orgasm is like going to your favorite BBQ place, ordering a slab of ribs, smelling them, biting them, chewing, and then spitting it back onto the plate. But, apparently, women don’t work that way, and can be perfectly content with occasionally chewing and spitting (and sleeping) instead of swallowing.

(There is one caveat, though. “Occasionally” wasn’t put there by accident. Extending my quintuple entendre even further, they have to, um, “swallow” pretty consistently too to be okay with the occasional chewing and spitting.)

2. They’re all hoarders. Every single one of them.

Lemme put it this way. If one of your homeboys asks you to help him move, you know that if you all get started at 8am, you’ll be done in time to make your weekly 1pm pick-up game.

If a woman asks you to help her move, though, 8am-1pm will just be the time spent cleaning out her f*cking bathroom.

You will also find yourself having conversations like this:

“I didn’t know you liked to sew.”

“I don’t”

“Oh. Well, why to you have this full sewing set?”

“Oh, I forgot all about that. My aunt bought that for me on my 22nd birthday. I tried using it, but it makes my fingers swell up.”

“Oh, ok. This is going in the trash then, right?”

“Heavens no! I’m not throwing that away”

3. They’re just as scared of commitment as men stereotypically are, but they just do a better job of hiding it.

It makes perfect sense, actually. Women who want to be wives and mothers and shit have like an 18 minute window to determine if some guy who doesn’t even wash when he takes showers (“I just like to let the heat and water cleanse me“) won’t knock her up, bounce, and basically waste the rest of her reproductive years raising the product of his jackal jizz by herself.

And, while men who’ve made “bad” commitments can start entirely new families a decade or three later, women, well…women can star on Starter Wives.

4. If she likes you—like, really likes you—she’s going to start to do things that will annoy the f*ck out of you. But, 96 times out of 100, those “things that will annoy the f*ck out of you” are just “things that she’s doing to alter your lifestyle in order to help extend your time on Earth…so she’ll have 60 years to continue to annoy you instead of 40″

***Wondering where to forward all the hate mail I’m going to receive from men already pissed that their girl threw all the salt in the house away and wakes them up at 7am every morning to do yoga and even more pissed now that their girl will read today’s entry, and say “See. Champ knows that the 5am kayaking and beet and alfalfa shakes are good for your heart“***

5. She really, really, really is paying attention to the way we dance.

And the way we interact with other women. And the way we walk. And the way we walk if we’re walking into a crowded room, and whether that moment changes anything about us. And the way we drive. And the way we look at them. And the way we look when we see them for the first time in a while. And the way we use utensils.

6. You know why they get so frustrated with a grown man who doesn’t seem to know what the f*ck he wants out of life? Because, well…they don’t know what the f*ck they want, either.

As always, everyone is wrong about everything, all of the time.

But, if she likes you and you’re at least making a sincere (and adult) effort to figure it out—whatever “it” happens to be—she’ll believe in you.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, that’s it for me, but I’m curious. What are some things you’ve learned about the opposite sex in the last few years? We’re all fam and shit. Don’t be scared to share.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • The Human Spider

    2.) If that ain’t the truth. Now imagine two different women (moving to two different places) ask you to help them move, and you’re the only male they know. Oh, and the moves are in the span of 1-2 months. That was how I spent September through December.
    -
    4.) Considering I don’t have your E-mail address, I will place blame here only if (and ONLY IF) I get a text in the morning that mentions this post.
    -
    5.) Yes.
    -
    6.) I’m still learning. I’m still having a difficult time believing that. Mainly because the women who ask me this are all older than I am (read: my mother, my grandmother and my older sister).

    • chameleonic

      …word. i mean, what is UP with the lack of email addressing. its almost like you have to emasculate a man by asking him for it directly.

      • chameleonic

        i think we should have email day and ALL men post their e-numbers so people like me can talk about this post with them.

        • The Human Spider

          I have two accounts; one for business and one for personal stuff (read: Facebook, retail, coupons, etc.). I rarely (if ever) give out my personal E-mail, preferring to talk over the phone, so I’ve rarely had the joy of personal E-mail.

          • chameleonic

            yeah, same here. i have an email for business and people pass it out and refer people to me or me to other people, same with my phone number. those people know how i conduct business so its not an issue for me. i only recently made a personal email and i dont give it out because its awkward. i think ive given out my number a total of…two times for personal reasons. i think i might be shy or a b*tch…

        • H.H.H.

          “i think we should have email day and ALL men post their e-numbers so people like me can talk about this post with them.”

          It’s a trap! #StarWars

          lolol

          • chameleonic

            yes. yes it is. a very huge, costly, permanent one. it in fact is a trap and that is very real. and you will never recover from it or be the same/as you once were but i honestly just dont like spending weekends by myself and i wanna get cozy. so. hhh@gmail.com….?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      2.) If that ain’t the truth. Now imagine two different women (moving to two different places) ask you to help them move, and you’re the only male they know. Oh, and the moves are in the span of 1-2 months. That was how I spent September through December.

      .

      i’m sorry man. i truly am

      • The Human Spider

        Tempers ran high… I’m not doing this aga…
        -
        Sorry, had a brief flashback. Thank you for your sympathy in this matter though.

  • Cheech

    Girls got their lying down to a science and always have an alibi.

    A girl never has enough space for all the things they want/need.

    The only words that make me think about every action i’ve taken are: “We need to talk

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      A girl never has enough space for all the things they want/need.

      .

      “want” and “need” are entire area codes away from each other

  • That Ugly Kid

    1. Accountability is a foreign concept to most women.

    2. Women still don’t know the difference between fat, and thick.

    3. Women are still complaining about people leaving toilet seats up. It’s 2013. I think it’s time to start looking where we sit. K thanks.

    4. Some women believe that licking a man’s nipple is a turn on. Well, I hate it. Lick my nipple and I will bite your forehead.

    5. Females still don’t understand that insulting an ex-boyfriend by attacking the size of peen/poor stamina is pointless. Because at the end of the day…he f*cked you. He already got what he wanted. He still wins.

    6. If a female likes your status/retweet something you wrote, it means she wants the peen. According to the D!ck Logic Guidebook, as man you are then supposed to flirt/spit game/harrass said woman via her private messeges inbox.

    7. If you call your girlfriend and she says she’s hanging with her girls, she’s not. She’s sucking some dude’s d*ck. Don’t kiss her.

    • chameleonic

      i dont know about everyone else but when i walk into a bathroom i make sure my eyes are closed. sometimes ill even be smart about it and walk backwards. and your number six? WOR — i mean! yeah. apparently when a woman wants you she goes, ‘i like what you just said’ and prays to god you act on it. =/

    • Tristan

      women know the difference but somewhere fat became a slur so they sugarcoat it in as many ways as possible

      • Sweet GA Brown

        Can a female be fat and thick?

        • That Ugly Kid

          No. Lemme help. If you have a phat azz and thick thighs with a small waist and flat (or nearly) stomach. You’re thick. If you have a phat azz and fat stomach as well. You’re fat. End of story. If you got a fat stomach, it no longer matters how much azz you got…you’re fat. Period.

          • Rewind

            Mmmmhmmm.

        • Tristan

          i’ve seen some proportioned ass big girls so i’d say yes, though most would still consider fat, fat

          • Yoles

            im a pretty portioned fat girl… i don’t call myself thick BUT many ppl tell me all the time oh ur not really fat, fat you’re just big… society is messing things up telling chicks all kinds of things if you like her or you are her friend or worse if you want to beat…

    • curlygirl

      Correction: FAT women don’t know the difference between fat and thick.

      • That Ugly Kid

        Correction accepted.

      • WIP

        nah, we know. we all know. some just don’t care. :)

        • Rewind

          WIP you aint fat!

          • WIP

            LOL, IIWII. I’m working on it though.

            • Rewind

              We all are, but you are nowhere close to fat homie. Flex it!

              • Todd

                And I second this comment. Seriously, being that I’ve literally sat next to you, you aren’t fat.

    • Todd

      #5 is the TRUTH! I know rape is under-reported, but come on. Apparently whatever dude was spitting was good enough for him to get the box. :)

      • huh?

        what exactly does rape have to do with that statement???!!! you just kinda threw that in there……..

        • SweetSass

          SMH, trust you don’t want to even go there with this crowd of neanderthals.

          • Marshal

            Use some Will Power and Common Sense to Let.It.Go at least for today……

            • SweetSass

              Why don’t you?

              Was I even talking to you?

              I didn’t ask for your two cents.

              Get gone, stalker.

              • Marshal

                Like you Ever give a care who anybody else is talking to…..
                GTHOHWTBS
                Hi, Kettle, I’m Pot
                Nice to Meet you, Finally

        • Ms. Bridget

          I think he means that you gave it up to him willingly even though you saw his small peen, and now, after you’ve been hurt you want to act like his size is a problem. No one forced you…it was your choice.

          • That Ugly Kid

            Okay. Lol now that you’ve put it this way it makes more sense. Because I surely raised an eyebrow at the “rape is under-reported” part like…WTF. Lol, but I get it now.

          • Todd

            Thank you for the reading comprehension Ms. Bridget! :) That was exactly my point.

            • Ms. Bridget

              No prob! Couldn’t leave you out there like that on a Friday.

      • The Human Spider

        #5 is the TRUTH! Apparently whatever dude was spitting was good enough for him to get the box. :)
        -
        Spot-on indeed. Yet, as much as I try to get this point across to the various females who’ve done this act, their rebuttal is pretty much the same: “Nuh-uh! He had a small peen” or “His stamina was weak” followed with “So he ain’t win!”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      lol, who pissed in your corn flakes this morning?

      • That Ugly Kid

        No one. I don’t eat corn flakes. What ever gave you that idea?

      • BiriBelle

        exactly.

    • Fuzzy Dunlop

      #4 – As for nipples… speak for yourself. I dated a man who had the world’s most sensitive nipples. Like, if I touched it while he was talking… with my hand… while he’s fully clothed… he couldn’t finish his sentence. Can I tell you how powerful this made me feel? Major turn on (for me). *deep sigh* I miss that man.

      #7 – You gotta let that hurt go bruh

    • Tentpole

      I nominate TUK for guest blogger status. He truly earned it today.

  • Stanley

    I just like this one…….LOL

  • chameleonic

    nothing you do matters before 25. i have one year to act a fool and im gonna spend it getting in touch with my feminine side!

    so! seeing as how ive only been aware of men for the past couple years or so maybe…um. idk.

    1.) theyre REALLY intimidating. at least the ones i like. mainly because i feel really stupid for being as old as i am and i dont understand my feelings. and they do. i always feel really small, like…maybe we should have open air between us so that i can explain why my total forty minutes of experience says ‘eep’ to your fifteen years. dude…

    2.) i consider my body and my womb to be sacred and men seem to be the same way about their dedication. and compassion. and i guess thats understandable so, its okay.

    3.) when they feel, its real. i spent a lot of time convincing myself ‘he didnt mean that/he wasnt talking to me/i bet this means nothing/he doesnt heart me’ but when men feel its SO legitimate. like. they mean it. and you can believe they mean it.

    4.) even though a lot of times it seems like theyre not listening or paying attention, or they dont understand, they do and they are. sometimes you just wish they could support you and make you feel theres good in you instead of putting another challenge in your face. a pep talk would be awesome. men know what theyre doing when it comes to whats best for you.

    5.) a lot of people treat them like monsters. a lot of sincerity is lost and their feelings are stomped on and stepped over. genuine moments are overlooked and attacked. sometimes you have to settle and listen really close to know theyre being vulnerable.

    6.) theyre really cute! theyre like big, grumpy teddy bears who wanna cuddle with you and need their bellies rubbed…..it just feels like a mature lion rubbing up against you unexpectedly. teddy lions are cute though!

    7.) it feels better to say okay.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      this was interesting

  • absynthia

    I’m guessing that you mean sew and not sow ….. unless of course you are referring to the time her grandmother wanted to plant a turnip patch in her bathtub ?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i was, in fact, referring to that. i love women who love turnips and sh*t

      • SweetSass

        I tried a turnip once. Tasted like a juicer potato.

  • Geneva Girl

    #2 is the absolute truth. I’m a woman and I can say it. My best friend moved and is still in the same apartment for many, many years later because after the fiasco of her move EVERY person who helped her refused to do so again. She bought the building instead of move again. Seriously, she bought the building. She will die in that apartment.

    BTW, it’s sEw.

    • Sweet GA Brown

      “BTW, it’s sEw.”

      Bless his heart.

    • Rewind

      dead @ bought the building
      -
      I hate moving anything for a woman. It never ends with just one thing, they always manage to string it along like 300- hit combo in a fighting game like Street Fighter

      • The Human Spider

        As I mentioned earlier, I had to help move for two different women (and move with one) in the span of two months. They normally wait until the last minute to move their stuff. Meanwhile, 70% of my room are already at the new place, and I’m waiting on them to get 70% of the house in the new place.

        • Rewind

          That’s exactly why I can’t do it, because MOVING meant actually HELP ME PACK ON THE EXACT DAY I HAVE TO GET MY SHYTE OUT OF HERE…

          • The Human Spider

            That’s exactly why I can’t do it, because MOVING meant actually HELP ME PACK ON THE EXACT DAY I HAVE TO GET MY SHYTE OUT OF HERE…
            -
            The End.

      • esa

        maaan. for my last move, i unpacked all my ishh before the movers finished with the furniture. dudes were like WTF. i think they mighta been impressed.

        • Rewind

          Well then you’re one of a kind homie, because I never met a woman yet who could follow the rules of packing and moving in an orderly fashion.

          • The Human Spider

            Not at all. And you’re screwed if the day they decide to start CLEANING the house is the day that your girlfriend, who lives in Texas decides to visit you and you live on the East Coast, and you only have a week to be in each other’s presence.

            • Rewind

              Ooooh that is just grimey

        • SweetSass

          Me too. I moved in under 2 hours with movers. Efficient-like. But then again, we’ve established my Spartan apartment. LOL.

          • Asiyah

            LOL same here

    • MicTheMessenger

      Man that sh!t grinds my gears. Lady, why you movin shoe boxes TWO boxes at a time, and it ‘s like 100 pair of shoes? Why not get ONE big @$$ box and put them all in there.

      And most men ususally don’t have alot of stuff.

      Bachelor couch
      TV
      Bed (optional)
      Playstation
      That one closet full of sh!t
      two suitcases

    • That Ugly Kid

      I helped my bestfriend move once. Never again. She had TWO men helping her (me and another friend), and it still took literally 14 hours. Oh, and she lived in a small azz studio apartment.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      no, really. she bought the building?

      • Geneva Girl

        Yes, she bought the building (only two apartments). When all of your friends and relatives refuse to ever help you move again – in life – that’s the only thing you can do.

  • Sweet GA Brown

    The most important thing I learned about men in the past couple years is that their pride will consume them in every possible aspect of their lives. Men will make decisions for better/good or worse/bad because of pride.

    • Tristan

      We gotta look ourselves in the mirror everyday…

    • Rewind

      I think that applies for both genders..but I think we have it worse, because all men have besides violence are egos.

      • Todd

        THIS! There’s nothing like doing something to avoid violence to make you know it’s real.

  • Kema

    1. Nope. I expect to finish… a few times. However, if we’re in a serious relationship I recognize that its not always about me. I may enjoy it without the finish but its not the act itself I’m enjoying but being close to the person I love.

    2. I move a lot. About 10 apartments in the last 11 years. Its my weird way of spring cleaning. I always leave a bunch of stuff behind. Its very cleansing for my soul. So no hoarding here.

    3. Yes, I’m afraid of commitment. I dont even like gym memberships with a contract and it took me forever to actually have a phone with one as well.

    4. Well I’m not going to try change you but if we’re together a lot you will probably start to eat with me. I am a pescatarian but I eat mostly fruit and vegetables with the occasional seafood. You may think its weird but after we smoke I will probably have something like Edamame with sea salt for the munchies.

    5 & 6 Yup!

    • Kema

      Now what I’ve learned about men…
      1. Ya’ll have feelings. Most of the men I’ve dated were very different from the others in the group but the one thing they had in common was that their feelings were very hidden. And maybe they were not actually hidden. They just didnt look the same as mine did. This of course led to my initial belief that men didnt have feelings.
      2. I need to do more research.

      • Tristan

        ill be ur test subject *birdman handrub*

        • Rewind

          buahhahaahaha @ bird man hand clap
          -
          Nig you a fool for that

      • nillalatte

        GURL… YOU MUST be my twin! I swear. EVERY item you posted when I was reading was like ‘hell yeah!” Hell YEAH! HELL YEAH!!!

        Girl, you know we got it going on. Ain’t too many of us like this out there. We are a rare breed fa sho!

        • Kema

          *holds out finger* Twinsies!!!

    • LMNOP

      I’ve been moving a lot more than I’d like to for the past few years, and every time I do, I am amazed at how much crap I have accumulated in a year (or less).

    • Rewind

      You’re the first woman that I’ve seen online type the words “I am afraid of commitment”.
      -
      That feels refreshing for some reason.
      -
      +2 for being a healthy pot head.

      • Lacie

        I’m very afraid. Like VERY… I think I have sabotage some relationships in the past just because it was getting “too real”. I don’t think the fear will ever go away however I think I have embraced it more than anything.

        • Rewind

          I sincerely understand that fear and have had it myself. But I never hear those words come out of a woman’s mouth. They usually speak with absolution that they need a relationship, they need it to work, and they need unconditional love. But when you observe the relationship, they do their best to derail anything good happening as often as possible, many times with them being totally unaware that they are doing it, other times, like you said..doing it on purpose because it is too real.
          -
          But that makes you human, and that’s real big of you to admit it.

        • Kema

          So you rocked out to ‘Sabotage Love’ too? lol! I just found out / realized that I may be emotionally unavailable.

    • chameleonic

      word to your number one. i was just gonna let it go cuz thats exactly how i felt about it, but, the man of my life would already know that so whatever else is cool. i have a preference towards what would be considered uncomfortable in general terms.

      i wanna melt because i like how it makes me feel, so, if im laying in bed…just grab a handful of hip. or get riiiiiight up close to me and play, uh, tip drill. or dont even do anything. just look at me with the lights on and see all my most private womanisms. it feels close and thats all i truly want.

      that moving thing is no joke. i hate living here. i feel physically filthy because i cant erase all the memories and emotions and i REALLY wanna just go. leave and never look back. run a marathon or two, or six. hike mount everest. something! i wanna sweat out this abode and all the gunk stored up.

      other than that i am actually pretty minimalist. and i think thats how come im so insecure because its anti-feminism. but i think once theres a man in my life ill legit have a pantry for beauty supplies and a pantry for groceries and a pantry for stuff i should throw out but wont cuz itll come in handy one day, watch.

      everything else was pretty spot on i thought.

    • MicTheMessenger

      This list just made you look extremely fly.

    • Tx10inch

      2. I move a lot. About 10 apartments in the last 11 years.

      This made me grab my chest like Fred Sanford.

      • Sweet GA Brown

        My furniture is to heavy for all that.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      1. Nope. I expect to finish… a few times. However, if we’re in a serious relationship I recognize that its not always about me. I may enjoy it without the finish but its not the act itself I’m enjoying but being close to the person I love.

      .

      so basically “nope. but…on second thought, what you said is actually right”

      • chameleonic

        lol. word. i was gonna do my comment like hers but i just felt like most of what was said was pretty spot on and if it wasnt now it will be in the future.

      • Kema

        No because I’m saying I dont enjoy it without an orgasm but I could enjoy Him.

        Kinda like activities you may not particularly enjoy but with that special someone it’s different.

        • Asiyah

          Kema baby I think that’s what Champ was trying to say. Which is true, at least in my case.

  • Marshal

    * I learned that [MOST] Women have a strange paradox with the word B!tch; they Loathe a Man saying it, even in the Bedroom and informal introdction (unless you are from NYC), but Among Themselves they love to say they are “Bad B!tches”…….. -_-

    *[MOST] Women truly Don’t want Gender “Equality” since they Refuse to take the Negatives or Expand the “traditional” roles that come along with it:
    Going Dutch/Paying for Dates
    Chaning Family Court Laws like Custody Evaluations, CS, etc.
    Expectations in regards to Relationships
    My Personal Favorite/ Pet Peeve: Women BELIEVING hey can Hit Men and NOT expect to be Retaliated Against, regardless of Strength, Height, etc

    *[Most]Women TRULY DO Hate on Other Women just.because.they.can

    • Kema

      ” I learned that [MOST] Women have a strange paradox with the word B!tch; they Loathe a Man saying it, even in the Bedroom and informal introdction (unless you are from NYC), but Among Themselves they love to say they are “Bad B!tches”……..”

      Hmmm… This phenomenon sounds similar to the usage of the ‘n-word’. Baffiling!

    • That Ugly Kid

      Personally, I don’t think women calling each other “b*tches” is hypocritical. It’s sort of like tribalism. It’s what makes it clear who’s special to us (family/friends), and who isn’t (everyone else we don’t know).

      -

      For instance, say you have a relative. You fight sometimes, hurling insults at each other. But, it’s fine. You’re family, you love each other. It’s no big deal. But let someone else insult your family, and all h*ll will break loose. Why? Because that person isn’t family, therefore they don’t have the same privileges you do. It’s the same logic I apply to every other In-Group social interaction. Women can call their other female friends b*tches because they have that connection to where it’s a just another words to be used amongst their circle of FRIENDS (that’s the key here). Usually a sign that they’ve earned each other’s trust. So I don’t trip. I know that I’m not apart of their group, and therefore can’t call them a b*tch. I haven’t earned their trust.

      • Rewind

        I’m with you. That fight is too old and boring. And like Kema said, no different than saying NI-GGA to black folks. People like their groups and only those involved in the groups get to use the perks, everybody else gotta back the f*ck up.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      you know friday is fun day, right?

      • chameleonic

        can i just conveniently add right here how ive been holding my breath every weekend for the past three years? without working eight days a week to fill the time, fridays feel like mini death sentences and isht now.

    • SweetSass

      You mean like how dude call each other the n-word but would smack a honkey who tried the same?

      • Marshal

        I have a few 2520 Friends that because “I”am cool with them “we” say the n-word and nobody is offended and ready to throw down. It’s like TUK said:

        “For instance, say you have a relative. You fight sometimes, hurling insults at each other. But, it’s fine. You’re family, you love each other. It’s no big deal. But let someone else insult your family, and all h*ll will break loose. Why? Because that person isn’t family, therefore they don’t have the same privileges you do. It’s the same logic I apply to every other In-Group social interaction. Women can call their other female friends b*tches because they have that connection to where it’s a just another words to be used amongst their circle of FRIENDS (that’s the key here). Usually a sign that they’ve earned each other’s trust. So I don’t trip. I know that I’m not apart of their group, and therefore can’t call them a b*tch. I haven’t earned their trust.”