As every trace of Mary J. Blige’s ill-conceived Burger King ad disappeared from the universe yesterday, I couldn’t help but think that the Burger King public relations people and lawyers had obviously never seen “8mm.” Why? Well, if they had seen it, they would have undoubtedly remembered Joaquin Phoenix’s infamous line…
“There are some things that you see, and you can’t unsee them. Know what I mean?’
…and, knowing that the image of The Queen of Hip-Hop Soul happily crooning about some crispy chicken wraps will be forever etched into the brains of whoever happened to see the commercial, they wouldn’t have even bothered removing it.
I, like millions of other red-bloodied and (slightly) bougie Americans, will never, ever, ever forget that sight.
Yet, while it’s easy to understand why Burger King would want Mary J to help promote their chicken, it’s not so easy to get why she’d agree to do it.
I (obviously) don’t know Mary J. Blige, and don’t pretend to be able to read her mind, but I did come up with six possible reasons why she thought this was a good idea.
1. The gas is too damn highÂ
Shit, the four dollars a gallon is killing my pockets right now, and I only have one car and only fill it up with the cheapest, Fisher-Price ass gas I can find. I can’t imagine what it must cost to fill up Bugattis, Maybachs, and private helicopters and shit everyday, so perhaps the cash she got for signing off on this ad went straight into her tanks.
2. They gave her a “Godfather” offer
Every now and then, I play a game with my parents where we ask each other how much money it would take for one of us to do a ridiculous task. (Example: “For $100,000 cash, would you walk butt naked on the parkway for two miles?”) If the answer is no, you keep going up in cash (“$200,000? No? Ok, how about $500,000 cash, right now?“) until the person finally says yes.
Perhaps Mary J. received a call one night from some BK exec on the other line asking “Ok, will give you $750,000 in one dollar bills to sing a crazy song about our “chicken” for 45 seconds,” and perhaps she just kept saying no until she heard an offer she couldn’t refuse
 ”Ok. We’ll give you five million dollars in quarters, a free camel, and we’ll convince our government friends to allow you to kill one person of your choice within the next 18 months. Deal?”
3. K-Ci is on that shit again
Although they’re no longer together, I’m sure Mary J. still has a soft spot for her troubled ex. Â Maybe K-Ci is off the wagon again (or is it “on the wagon?” I always get them confused), and she knows that the only way to calm him down when he gets all cracky is to give him an unlimited supply of Whoppers and crispy chicken wraps. What better way to do that than signing a deal with Burger King?
4. She just really, really, really likes Burger King chicken wraps
Out of all of my theories, this one makes the most sense. Why? Two reasons
A) Companies such as Apple and Nike are so loved by their loyal fans that many of the fans, even celebrities, would promote their products for free. Perhaps Burger King inspires that type of loyalty from Mary J. I mean, she is Black and hood and has cried so many tears in her songs that we know she’s not a stranger to comfort food, so it’s not too far-fetched.
B) True story, out of all the non-chicken centric fast food places that have meats they call “chicken” on their menus, Burger King’s meat they call “chicken” actually tastes the best. Burger King’s meat they call “chicken” completely shits on both Mcdonald’s and Wendy’s meat they call “chicken.” It’s not even close. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
5. She’s f*cking the Burger King
With his bling, his Ross-esque beard, his giant head, and his impeccable sense of style, what woman wouldn’t want one night with the Pink Meat Maven?
6. Rick Santorum slipped her the same batch of evil chicken that Billy Dee Williams was given in “Undercover Brother” so that she’d convince Black America to eat it in bulk, resulting in us turning on Obama, cutting off our facial hair, and allowing George Zimmerman political exile in Liberia.Â
Hey, stranger things have happened.Â
Despite of all this, there remains the possibility that this commercial was intentionally campy. Burger King’s spots are usually a bit offbeat and winking, and this would be no different. If it was, though, then why the quick removal (and why the “clearance issues” bullshit excuse for the quick removal?) Who knows?
I do know, though, that since I’ve started writing this, I’ve developed a craving for a crispy chicken wrap. Maybe we weren’t able to stop Santorum and his fry cook minions in time. Drats!
Anyway, people of VSB.com, did you see the infamous ad before it was erased forever? What did you think about it? Also, do you have any other theories as to why Mary J. signed off on that deal?
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)
I thought it was Coontastic. All she needed was a bedazzled apron and some house shoes that she been walking on the backs of…Scary J Blige…SMDH
Coontastic…I’m borrowing that
now i regret not clicking on the gagillion links of it i saw all over face book… coontastic?!?! so again i miss out on the niggorant samboism, my “angry, we gotta do better” black card is just hanging on by the hole i punched in it so i could attach it to my key chain… damn, Damn, DAMN
Video link still works here:
http://cdn.mediatakeout.com/55165/nuh-uhhhhhhhhhh-mary-j-blige-is-singing-her-heart-out-in-new-burger-king-commercial-about-fried-chicken.html
oh boy… order has been restored to my life… i’m mad she was up high (in a booth?) so we couldn’t see her patented MJB dance that she has been doing for 20+ years!!
Not to mention her hairstyle resembles that of a rooster!!! Coincidence…
Yeah she it an extra high note on crispy chicken.
I was wondering why peeps on Twitter were joking about crispy chicken and fresh lettuce. Sigh…why…WHY?!!!
Hmmm yeahh thats unfortunate but it could be worse though…. watermelon anyone? I cant eat watermelon in public :/
omg this keychain needs to exist for real.
+4
Maybe Mary thought the Popeye’s Chicken lady was gettin’ too much shine? I mean, how many Black women are out there pushing the ‘gospel bird’ on a national level? Mary was simply trying to infiltrate a market that appears to be wide-open. Let ‘em know MJB, no monopolies in America on your watch!
She did it for the money – she couldn’t care less about anything else.
She is a person who thinks she is somebody, more than everyone else, how else could a mediocre singer like that – try to rise to whatever she now is.
I wish I saw it smh but she probably did it so she could be relevant again. Nicki Minaj, J. Hud and Toni Braxton has taken over everything
Mary J. Blige has always been relevant, though. Sure, her last album was terrible and this new one could have been a lot better, but she still sells a lot of records. However, there was no excuse for this commercial- none at all…
“Pink Meat Maven”….Just…NO. I had to stop myself from choking on dry heave while laughing at the same. damn. time.
Sadly every article ive read that posted the ad was taken down by youtube. It was sad, I think we would kno better by now. At least that chicken wrap wasn’t advertised next to a watermelon slushie…bwhahahaha
I just watched it on youtube on some random guys channel – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2A3zJSclyk ……
Thanks
Honestly, that Burger King commercial wasn’t the first time a Black artist embarrassed themselves- remember this one from 2005? LMAO!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUyzLvuhbps
“Et tu, Hootie?”
Damn.
The funny thing is that he shrugged this whole thing off. I remember when he was about to release his first country album and they brought this commercial up. Darius was like “Yeah I looked silly, but I got paid a lot of money at the end of the day”. I’m looking at him like “Damn man…where’s your diginity?” LMAO!!!
At least that chicken wrap wasn’t advertised next to a watermelon slushie…bwhahahaha
that would have made it even better
COONTASTIC…. lmao
Now is the perfect time to ask the question: Where is the outrage at PoPeye’s for their Mrs. Annie commercials?????? Huh? Huh? Huh? The Mrs. Annie commercials are very offensive and full of stereotyping. I can’t compare the offensiveness since I have not seen the BK commercial.
cuz people have no respect for Louisiana. they expect us to be like her. cept we ain’t. there were many Louisianans offended by those Popeye’s commercials and that horrible caricature of Louisiana women, self included, but we simply didn’t bother to voice that offense.
Where is the outrage at PoPeye’s for their Mrs. Annie commercials??????
don’t you talk bad about my mrs. annie. i’ll ban someone over that
You’ve been hypnotized by the chicken #UnderCoverBrother!
The only way this could possibly get a slight pass (10% out of 100%) is if she somehow got ownership in the company off of this but of course that didnt happen.
LMAO!
“Crispy chickennnnnnnn! Fresh lettuccccccccccccccccce!!!!”
Dead on site. This should have been a Super Bowl commercial…..
Black people can make a hit out of anything. I present to VSB/VSS the remix!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FG5GZQ23QZY
lmao!!! Dead…..but i came back alive to ask you how did you even find this?
The better question is why does his version sound so good?
lmao! True
That is my new ringtone!
I’m crying…. Oh my gosh….. Hahahahahahahaha
This is actually heat rock. If BK used this version, I wouldn’t be mad at Mary J for doing this commercial.
This is heat rock. I agree. Y’all sure that’s not on her new album?
I’m so mad the remix is hot though…LOL..I saw Mary at Essence last year, she’s finally reached that “I have enough hits I never need to release a new album” phase. I would have taken that BK money too, the gas is indeed too damn high
this is hot
Wow. That IS hot.
Why wouldn’t you want to sing about chicken….
I sing “Pretty Wings” to my 5 piece with mild and hot sauce from Harold’s ALLATIME. Lemme see if I can get myself a young advertising deal.
LMAOOOOO! Maxwell really should have seen that coming.
Especially the part where he pronounces “wings”… “wangs.” Like… there is SO much you can do with that. It’s genius, really.
Lol, see when I hear that song, I get a completely different picture in my head when he starts crooning about “pretty wangs”. Like, I legit can’t get through that song without at least one giggle.
LOL, I know. That’s why I said you could do SO much with it. *evil wink*
Cheeks, this is so dayum ignent and FUNNY!
*LMAO*
LMAO.
“Why wouldn’t you want to sing about chicken….”
LOL, that probably should be the question we all should be asking ourselves. Perhaps she’s just ahead of the curve
I feel that way about Mexican food. I sing that song Craig’s dad sings on Next Friday. “Put some hot sauce on my burritooooo, baby!”
So I’m not the only one who sings that song to their burrito? That’s good to know *lol*.
Why did she sign off on that deal?
The two million dollar paycheck
*drops mic*
i admit i would be a shuckin and a jivin for 2 million myself… times are hard for everyone i guess
Me too! Hell, I’d even break out the banjo for an extra $100k.
Eff a banjo. Hambone.
The “Hot Boyz” remix to this was the best. Had it on blast at the gym.
Extremely glad I didn’t see this. Extremely.