As every trace of Mary J. Blige’s ill-conceivedÂ Burger King ad disappeared from the universe yesterday, I couldn’t help but think that the Burger King public relations people and lawyers had obviously never seen “8mm.”Â Why? Well, if they had seen it, they would have undoubtedly rememberedÂ Joaquin Phoenix’s infamous line…
“There are some things that you see, and you can’t unsee them. Know what I mean?’
…and, knowing that the image of The Queen of Hip-Hop Soul happily crooning about some crispy chicken wraps will be forever etched into the brains of whoever happened to see theÂ commercial, they wouldn’t have even botheredÂ removingÂ it.
I, like millions of other red-bloodied and (slightly) bougie Americans, will never, ever, ever forget that sight.
Yet, while it’s easy to understand why Burger King would want Mary J to help promote their chicken, it’s not so easy to get why she’d agree to do it.
I (obviously) don’t know Mary J. Blige, and don’t pretend to be able to read her mind, but I did come up with six possible reasons why she thought this was a good idea.
1. The gas is too damn highÂ
Shit, the four dollars a gallon is killing my pockets right now, and I only have one car and only fill it up with the cheapest, Fisher-Price ass gas I can find. I can’t imagine what it must cost to fill up Bugattis, Maybachs, and private helicopters and shit everyday, so perhaps the cash she got for signing off on this ad went straight into her tanks.
2. They gave her a “Godfather” offer
Every now and then, I play a game with my parents where we ask each other how much money it would take for one of us to do aÂ ridiculousÂ task. (Example: “For $100,000 cash, would you walk butt naked on the parkway for two miles?”) If the answer is no, you keep going up in cash (“$200,000? No? Ok, how about $500,000 cash, right now?“) until the person finally says yes.
Perhaps Mary J. received a call one night from some BK exec on the other line asking “Ok, will give you $750,000 in one dollar bills to sing a crazy song about our “chicken” for 45 seconds,” and perhaps she just kept saying no until she heard an offer she couldn’t refuse
Â ”Ok. We’ll give you five million dollars in quarters, a free camel, and we’ll convince our government friends to allow you to kill one person of your choice within the next 18 months. Deal?”
3. K-Ci is on that shit again
Although they’re no longer together, I’m sure Mary J. still has a soft spot for her troubled ex. Â Maybe K-Ci is off the wagon again (or is it “on the wagon?” I always get them confused), and she knows that the only way to calm him down when he gets all cracky is to give him an unlimited supply of Whoppers and crispy chicken wraps. What better way to do that than signing a deal with Burger King?
4. She just really, really, really likes Burger King chicken wraps
Out of all of my theories, this one makes the most sense. Why? Two reasons
A) Companies such as Apple and Nike are so loved by their loyal fans that many of the fans, even celebrities, would promote their products for free. Perhaps Burger King inspires that type of loyalty from Mary J. I mean, she is Black andÂ hood and has cried so many tears in her songs that we know she’s not a stranger to comfort food, so it’s not too far-fetched.
B) True story, out of all the non-chicken centric fast food places that have meats they call “chicken” on their menus, Burger King’s meat they call “chicken” actually tastes the best. Burger King’s meat they call “chicken” completely shits on both Mcdonald’s and Wendy’s meat they call “chicken.” It’s not even close. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
5. She’s f*cking the Burger King
With his bling, his Ross-esque beard, his giant head, and his impeccable sense of style, what woman wouldn’t want one night with the Pink Meat Maven?
6. Rick SantorumÂ slipped her the same batch of evil chicken that Billy Dee Williams was given in “Undercover Brother” so that she’d convince Black America to eat it in bulk, resulting in us turning on Obama, cutting off our facial hair, andÂ allowingÂ George Zimmerman political exile in Liberia.Â
Despite of all this, there remains the possibility that thisÂ commercialÂ was intentionally campy. Burger King’s spots are usually a bit offbeat and winking, and this would be no different. If it was, though, then why the quick removal (and why the “clearance issues” bullshit excuse for the quick removal?) Who knows?
I do know, though, that since I’ve started writing this, I’ve developed a craving for a crispy chicken wrap. Maybe we weren’t able to stop Santorum and his fry cook minions in time. Drats!
Anyway, people of VSB.com, did you see the infamous ad before it was erased forever? What did you think about it? Also, do you have any other theories as to why Mary J. signed off on that deal?
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)