Let’s just put this out here upfront: some men are just f*ckin’ ridiculous.
I can’t lie. For the longest time, I used to swear that women I know were making up the stories about the crazy men running rampant in the streets. I mean, how could men be that crazy considering the source. Ain’t nothing crazier than a woman with time on her hands.
Except a man with time on his hands and an axe to grind. And apparently a lot of women learn this the hard way. I had no idea. My sisters…a muhf*cka apologize. Daaaaaaaaaamn.
In the past few months, I’ve been a witness to and been regaled by the stories of absurd men doing absurd things. I’m so appalled. A VSS had to use me as a decoy after a rather persistent chap offered to take her to the bush and then proceeded to lick her face. Where dey do dat at? I’ve seen the proof of clearly insane men threatening bodily harm and property damage. I’ve been made aware that some men are full on stalkers who must have legal intervention in order to fall back.
In short, some men are absolutely insane. Usually, I reserve my darts of crazy for women but in truth, I have to give a shoutout to my brothas out there for trying to outcrazy those of the boob. Plus, I watch shows like First 48 and Snapped. And I’ve got the power.
Do you see what I did there?
And since nearly EVERY woman we all know has some story about some crazy dude who the regular world thinks is just a calm, cool, and collected dude, I figured I’d do the women a solid and put out there some signs of an insane man since clearly we all know some but women can’t seem to avoid them.
1. His life and life story don’t seem to match up
So you know how everybody keeps getting emails from Nigerian princes wanting to funnel $20 million to us to hold until they get out of the grapes of wrath or something? So let’s say you meet one of these ridiculously wealthy Nigerian princes…except he drives a cab. But he swears that he’s got two PhDs and in his country he’s royalty. He has an elephant named Babar and has his own money. And when I say he has his own money, I mean he has his own money. A prince! Point is, if a dude is telling you about his myriad accomplishments and how important he is…WHILE he’s delivering your package, he just might put you in a trunk one day. By the way, women fall for this sh*t so frequently it’s mind boggling. They’ll recount a story that makes no sense to anybody else but will give the dude the benefit of the doubt anyway. Pheromones are a hell of a drug.
2. He gets really emotionally involved really quickly
And I don’t mean like with a woman, I mean like with anything. Some guys get into their feelings really quickly about any and everything. These are not the men running Fortune 500 companies. No these are the men running the prison yards in California. Cali and Harlem are home to the sensitive thugs. These dudes go from zero to 60 for no apparent reason and then apologize shortly after because they know it was uncalled for. Every time. Any ninja that knows he’s wrong 10 seconds AFTER doing something completely irrational might get you dead.
3. He seems a wee bit too perfect
There are smooth guys out there. Clearly. There are also guys out there who always manage to say exactly what it is that a woman wants to hear. Run like hell, Virginia. Run like hell. Men and women function off of the inherent inability to understand one another but make up afterwards with beeswax bubblegum, whipped cream, and stirrups. Any man who’s made a life out of studying how to get over on women just might Rae Carruth you if things don’t turn out in his favor. And why? Because he built his persona on winning. Some guys can’t take losing. Beware the man who won’t take no for an answer or refuses to accept a hint.
4. He wears outfits of ill repute in public
I hate to say this, but I’m talking about those dashiki-esque, what is that velvet, Foogi suits, Steve Harvey, Jr collection, wearing ninjas who approach women with reckless abandon and are as persistent as can be with their promises of trips to Fiji or Des Moines in their private row on any Southwest Airlines Flight. Beware the ninja in sandals at a club as well. I have no science behind that one but it just seems like the attire of a crazy dude.
5. He crazy
Sometimes it’s blatant. Don’t pretend the red flag is really pink. That would also make him crazy.
Ladies, what are other signs you’ve observed of a crazy man? And fellas, help a sister out today. They need it.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST 2011 aka lower.case.p aka 21 KOOKAROO GANGSTA aka 40P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3