Signs Of An Insane Man

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If he gifts you a crocodile, he's crazy.

 

Let’s just put this out here upfront: some men are just f*ckin’ ridiculous.

I can’t lie. For the longest time, I used to swear that women I know were making up the stories about the crazy men running rampant in the streets. I mean, how could men be that crazy considering the source. Ain’t nothing crazier than a woman with time on her hands.

Nothing.

Except a man with time on his hands and an axe to grind. And apparently a lot of women learn this the hard way. I had no idea. My sisters…a muhf*cka apologize. Daaaaaaaaaamn.

In the past few months, I’ve been a witness to and been regaled by the stories of absurd men doing absurd things. I’m so appalled. A VSS had to use me as a decoy after a rather persistent chap offered to take her to the bush and then proceeded to lick her face. Where dey do dat at? I’ve seen the proof of clearly insane men threatening bodily harm and property damage. I’ve been made aware that some men are full on stalkers who must have legal intervention in order to fall back.

In short, some men are absolutely insane. Usually, I reserve my darts of crazy for women but in truth, I have to give a shoutout to my brothas out there for trying to outcrazy those of the boob. Plus, I watch shows like First 48 and Snapped. And I’ve got the power.

Do you see what I did there?

And since nearly EVERY woman we all know has some story about some crazy dude who the regular world thinks is just a calm, cool, and collected dude, I figured I’d do the women a solid and put out there some signs of an insane man since clearly we all know some but women can’t seem to avoid them.

Leggo.

1. His life and life story don’t seem to match up

So you know how everybody keeps getting emails from Nigerian princes wanting to funnel $20 million to us to hold until they get out of the grapes of wrath or something? So let’s say you meet one of these ridiculously wealthy Nigerian princes…except he drives a cab. But he swears that he’s got two PhDs and in his country he’s royalty. He has an elephant named Babar and has his own money. And when I say he has his own money, I mean he has his own money. A prince! Point is, if a dude is telling you about his myriad accomplishments and how important he is…WHILE he’s delivering your package, he just might put you in a trunk one day. By the way, women fall for this sh*t so frequently it’s mind boggling. They’ll recount a story that makes no sense to anybody else but will give the dude the benefit of the doubt anyway. Pheromones are a hell of a drug.

2. He gets really emotionally involved really quickly

And I don’t mean like with a woman, I mean like with anything. Some guys get into their feelings really quickly about any and everything. These are not the men running Fortune 500 companies. No these are the men running the prison yards in California. Cali and Harlem are home to the sensitive thugs. These dudes go from zero to 60 for no apparent reason and then apologize shortly after because they know it was uncalled for. Every time. Any ninja that knows he’s wrong 10 seconds AFTER doing something completely irrational might get you dead.

3. He seems a wee bit too perfect

There are smooth guys out there. Clearly. There are also guys out there who always manage to say exactly what it is that a woman wants to hear. Run like hell, Virginia. Run like hell. Men and women function off of the inherent inability to understand one another but make up afterwards with beeswax bubblegum, whipped cream, and stirrups. Any man who’s made a life out of studying how to get over on women just might Rae Carruth you if things don’t turn out in his favor. And why? Because he built his persona on winning. Some guys can’t take losing. Beware the man who won’t take no for an answer or refuses to accept a hint.

4. He wears outfits of ill repute in public

I hate to say this, but I’m talking about those dashiki-esque, what is that velvet, Foogi suits, Steve Harvey, Jr collection, wearing ninjas who approach women with reckless abandon and are as persistent as can be with their promises of trips to Fiji or Des Moines in their private row on any Southwest Airlines Flight. Beware the ninja in sandals at a club as well. I have no science behind that one but it just seems like the attire of a crazy dude.

5. He crazy

Sometimes it’s blatant. Don’t pretend the red flag is really pink. That would also make him crazy.

Ladies, what are other signs you’ve observed of a crazy man? And fellas, help a sister out today. They need it.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST 2011 aka lower.case.p aka 21 KOOKAROO GANGSTA aka 40P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

472 thoughts on “Signs Of An Insane Man”

    • ok so i wanted to add more to this last night but i was busy catching up on my new fave tv show before i went to bed…

      another sign a guy is crazy? they think their “crazy” is normal/acceptable.

      por ejemplo (for example): i met a guy at a conference. he spent the WHOLE conference trying to get me alone (all of my friends and colleagues were commenting how this brotha was puttin on the full court press). he was cute and nice so i eventually gave in, and we had lunch together on the last day of the conf. he starts telling me these weird stories of ex-gfs and an ex-fiance and how he was looking for love but he was afraid of getting hurt. but he thought i could be the type of girl he could trust again (o_O). basically my first clues he was NOT right. we had exchanged numbers/emails but made no plans to keep in touch or to ever see each other again. a few days after the conf, he emails me and tells me not to call/txt him becuz his wife might answer, so i should keep contact thru email.(O_O) im sorry, what.the.hayle?!?! besides the fact i had no intentions of contacting him ever again, how he just gon mention his WIFE like it was no big deal?? i simply told him to STOP contacting me. this fool then proceeds to email me pictures of him with his family (wife, kid, grandpa!) and getting offended when i told him again to leave me the hell alone. “oh so what are you, a lesbian or something?” yeah, yeah, thats exactly why i dont want to have anything to do with you mr creepy pants. *smdh* wtf??

      effing weirdos just flock to me!

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  2. Mannnnnn. You know me too well, you tellin my whole life story in this post.

    Except it’s not that we give the crazy men the benefit of the doubt….it’s more like we can’t pinpoint what exactly is wrong with them. And sometimes, we just gotta have some concrete proof, to explain it all. That’s at least what happened to me that one time in Vegas.

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    • Hey, Liz.
      Off topic but what’s the best way to reach you?
      I want to interview you about your trip to Haiti, if you’re willing.
      Lemme know.

      Thanks.

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    • Also, the crazy men that I’ve ended up dating weren’t crazy to me at first (although I now know the signs). The first one was one of the sweetest guys I had ever met. I feel it takes 4-6 weeks for crazy to fully surface.

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      • sometimes the crazy is so deep you think you’re in a movie. and you gotta stop and figure out if this is really happening lol. I love a good movie. that’s probably my problem :/

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        • GUILTY!!!

          I could even hear the music change from “goin to the club” jams to short, choppy tension-filled strings…as he told me how Michael Jordan’s wife benefitted from staying with Mike through the lean years (this date was on July 19, 1998), and how all women who stuck by their men when they weren’t doing squat always made out in the end. Like his mama did. Even *I* heard the audience say “Run, Silk, run!”

          Nope. I didn’t run. I had to see the next scene.

          A restaurant, late at night, and dude won’t stop complimenting my butt. And I’m sitting on it. I playfully tell him to shut up, and he snapped. Good thing we were in public.

          “NOBODY tells me to shut up. My MAMA doesn’t tell my DADDY to shut up”

          Date over, he calls me later that night (pre-caller ID) to apologize…then snaps because I don’t ask him how to get a hold of him after he moves. He calls me all sorts of names and hangs up on me.

          Ninety minutes later, he calls: “Hi, I miss you.”

          I Googled the dude….there’s a whole forum about him spazzing out, asking women for money, gay porn movies. No bueno.

          I debated posting his real name. He’s still out there.

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      • “Also, the crazy men that I’ve ended up dating weren’t crazy to me at first (although I now know the signs). The first one was one of the sweetest guys I had ever met. I feel it takes 4-6 weeks for crazy to fully surface.”

        The reason I always had a sexual wait period was in part to suss out crazy.

        I have a personal belief that everything f*c/ked up about a dude you will find out in the first 6 to 12 weeks.

        Example…

        1. His life and life story don’t seem to match up

        My significant others college roommate used to play college ball and he used to get mad women… okay he actually rode the bench and got the left overs from the groupie pool. He gets an academic suspension and leaves college never to return.

        He takes a job a surgical tech at a hospital… but tells women that he meets that he is in med school, this has since evolved into being a doctor and the joke is that within the next 10 years he will be a surgeon.

        He claims his car and home don’t reflect his income because he is modest… it only takes a few minutes to bust this dude because even though he has been working in hospitals for many years and knows lingo and procedure, it never occurred to him that a chick might know how to use google. ~JS

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        • S/N- It’s not even about crazy at this point, dudes just be straight lying. I check property tax listings, state employment records, county public records. everything.

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          • Hahahaha!! So i am not the only one? I’ve def caught a few men lying to me about their age based off some internet records search. it ain’t that hard to catch you in a lie. Big Brother Wikileaks will get you caught up.

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            • We do it because we’re chicks, we have to. men don’t need to run background checks or anything because we don’t prey on women or are known for telling lies.

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            • county tax collector’s website lists properties and who owns them and the owner history; our state has a 411 to find employees and some of the agencies list everyone on the website too; the county courthouse website has a lot of public records online like marriage and court proceedings, foreclosure, etc.

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      • Agreed, in the beginning everyone puts on their Sunday’s best attitude because they’re not quite comfortable yet, but when they do finally get comfortable ewwwww… and the crazy ones are ALWAYS the hardest to get rid of… like cockroaches or Diddy… lol I remember someone calling him a Hip Hop cockroach once… is that right?

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    • you can pinpoint whats wrong with them when you tell other people (*ahem*) about them and the first reaction is…so wait…why is the first man to perform an open heart surgery on a kookaroo driving you in a cab from whole foods to mcdonalds?

      yeah. lol. thats what friends are for. to ask the questions you forget to think about.

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  3. I recently dated a man that said he wanted us to be together but he would have to have my soul. Ummmm hell naw. I have worked too hard and bargained with the Lord to keep it to let some crazy ninja just take it. I dont care how much you like me, that ish is mine….exit stage left. BTW it’s 30th burfday!

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  4. If the first time you meet any member of his family (mama, auntie, sister etc.) and the first thing they say is “Ohhhh, you going out with _________? Willingly?!” and gives you a wide eyed look *true story* Then you should know he is crazy and Run Forrest Run!

    And call me nosey, but after dealing with one pyscho, I will go thru a dudes medicine cabinet @ his house and either 1) Call my homegirl who is a pharmacist and run off the names on the bottle to her, or 2) snap a picture and google the names later.

    Call it what you want, I just call it preventative measures.

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        • oh hell- any woman that acts like joan is doomed to be bankrupt from paying for broke ninjas, appearing on jerry and maury and maybe even suicide (too far?)! i just started watching that show because i saw the re runs on black evil television and i was like my god- no wonder women are single!

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    • I definitely feel you about the medicine cabinet check-up. I’m not usually a snoop, but I be checking for Valtrex, AZT, and any psychotropic drugs. You gotta cover all bases, just in case, #NoJaheim

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          • “Oh did you cut yourself? Where is it?”

            Now you need to produce a sore worthy of a Band-Aid. If you gonna snoop, just don’t touch anything.

            S/N: I snooped while helping one of my exes move and found out he had completely lied to me about his age by the birthdate on a prescription bottle.

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              • In this case, I came to find out that he had the ‘Peter Pan’ syndrome and still wanted to act 25 when he was actually 33. He actually looked much younger and could pull it off, but unfortunately, he had the mindset to go with the look.

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          • “i been itching to put somebody out lately anyway.”

            Maybe it’s because I’m — I don’t know — crazy, but I pictured you harboring like 25 niccas in yo house and you’re just itching to throw one of em out because it’s getting crowded in there.

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        • Hey its not women only. I’m in my shower while my friend is at my place. He knocks on the bathroom door says he needs to brush his teeth. The next thing I know I hear shuffling in my cabinets I peek out the shower all my cabinet doors are open and he’s standing there like a deer caught in headlights. So I ask whats up the only thing he could think to say was “Is this vingear for cooking?” Talk about bold! I said no but what are you looking for? He grabs the lint brush and says oh this.I guess he was going to brush lint off his teeth.

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      • I do this too! Girl that’s how I found out my ex fiance was lying to me when he said that he was only taking meds for depression. That negro was bi-polar. No bueno on the lies.

        Check the medicine cabinet folks.

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      • I can’t believe that people would actually keep their more “interesting” drugs in the medical cabinet like that. Obviously people snoop! All you’d find in mine is some floss, deodorant and other non-descript items like that. Anything really good would be in my bedroom drawer or some place like that..

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  6. Co-sign all 5 on your list, Mr Jackson!

    He’s also crazy if:

    1. He ALWAYS has a nightmare that has him fighting in his sleep.

    2. The nightmare is about you leaving him.

    3. You wake up and that ninja is standing over you.

    4. When you get into an argument you think to hide all the sharp objects.

    5. If that ninja busts in on you while you are using the toilet to continue an argument.

    6. He will go from zero to 100 about frivolous isht that means nothing to no one. Like whether a shade of coral has more orange or more pink.

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    • “3. You wake up and that ninja is standing over you.”

      What if you wake up to him staring at you while you sleep, and he says “Your so peaceful when you sleep, so very very still, like you should stay that way forever.” 0_o

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    • Wow, is there a crazy man script or something??? Why crazy dudes always have dreams about you leaving them or cheating on them?

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      • speaking of crazy sh*t. and this is a general questoin for the boobs out there…why do SO many women ask us if we want to hit you after you piss us off?

        lol. like, i didnt. but you asking me makes me think that i might want to. of course i wont.

        but why do yall always ask that? cuz if i say yes, i’m the bad guy. lol but you asked…right?

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        • I NEVER ask that isht. He!! naw! I don’t think I know anyone who does. I’m not into provoking a situation to make it worse or trying to deride someone. If we (a guy and I) are in a disagreement, I care about my point and hoping I am acknowledged and understood. Respect my view. He doesn’t even have to agree. It is not, I repeat, NOT an excuse to be batsh!t.

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        • Its to test to see if we have effectively pushed you to the point of no return. If you say yeah I wanna smack the ish outta you and then reach…we have confirmation that you wanna lose your life tonight. If you say no..then we proceed on til you reach your breaking point.

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            • if you’re really to the point of violence well then yeah. But you have to remember its only a question and you never really have to entertain anyone’s questions. So if she asking you those questions…she might be looking for a reason to visit the county jail. I suggest you leave her for good
              I personally have never asked a man if he wanted to hit me (well at least that I can remember) because I really don’t want to know the answer to that question. And on top of that I really don’t want to go to jail either, because truly and I mean this from the bottom of my soul, if a man lays a hand on me, he gon lose his life and no one is that important for me to give up my freedom for.
              .

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        • “why do SO many women ask us if we want to hit you after you piss us off?”

          I’m not sure where they do that. I do something worth being mad about, I’m gonna apologize and leave you alone or try to make a joke. But eventually if you stay “pi$$ed off at me” and get an attitude, I’ma get mad cuz you got an attitude with me, LOL.

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        • WTF asks some stupid question like that?

          Fugg around and lose an eye-socket – I would never ask anyone man or woman that….mess around and get a head nod vertical #YES

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    • 3, 4, and 6… all from the same guy. SMH

      the guy who decided I was the One and asked about what kind of engagement ring I wanted within 2 weeks of dating. #wddta

      i walked away from a 2 ct. solitaire from Tiffany’s and never looked back lol

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  7. 1. He throws a tuxedo at you

    2. He shows up at your hair salon in another state, and asks “can we talk” as you are getting hair sewn-in even though you never told him about your appt.

    3. He shows up to your house when the police have barricaded your street off (due to a fire at your neighbor’s house) just to make sure you’re ok

    4. He cries at Hooters as he proclaims his love for you…on your SECOND date.

    5. He scares you to the point that you grab the machete hidden under your bed threaten to cut him and he still doesn’t leave your house!!!

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          • Lol, this reminds me of when I was a kid. I found my dad’s machete in his tool garage. Mama comes out to find me practicing my machete-throwing skills in the yard.

            This is what happens when you grow up in the country. Smh.

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        • It’s not a Jamaican thing, it’s a protecting your life space thing! I had a knife IN my bed, IN my couch, in my car, of course my kitchen, and in my bathroom when I lived in a not so nice area in Ft Worth, TX…I was ALWAYS within arms reach of a knife-and I’m Whitey McWhiterson from VanWhitenburg-just ask Gem, she confirmed it.

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    • @Daisy…

      Your whole list had me rolling… but these 2

      “1. He throws a tuxedo at you”

      I actually saw this happen at a wedding… I really hope that wasn’t you.

      “5. He scares you to the point that you grab the machete hidden under your bed threaten to cut him and he still doesn’t leave your house!!!”

      I think that some dudes don’t realize how crazy makes women fear for their personal safety… which is why I stay at the gun range ~JS

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    • “3. He shows up to your house when the police have barricaded your street off (due to a fire at your neighbor’s house) just to make sure you’re ok’

      Maybe it’s just me, but not only do I not find this crazy, I pretty much expect it. I wish I would find out that a dude I’m dating found my street barricaded and didn’t try to ensure my safety. It’s a barricade, not the Berlin Wall. You can get around that ish. I could be trapped! Or injured! Or severely inconvenienced! Hells naw! What part of the game is that? Ol’pinkshirtwearin’, skinny jeans sagging, more jewelry than me wearing, s-curl rocking, red n white cane twirlin’ mofo! NEXT!

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  8. “Beware the ninja in sandals at a club as well. I have no science behind that one but it just seems like the attire of a crazy dude.”

    that’s the kind of dude who is just WAITING for somebody to step on his toes so he can get it poppin’ and act a darn fool.
    that also goes for the guy who wears his white tennis shoes to sporting events or outdoor concerts.

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  9. The Good Lord knows my troubles.
    I have met and dated, Married and been stalked by some exceptional banana cream pies. In retrospect there were always some red flags, maybe not always real red, but like a dusty rose, maroon …or magenta. But there were always signs some include but are not limited to:

    1. Adult thumb sucking. I went through a “thug stage” as a teenager, and one thing I noticed bout all those tatte’d up, negros was that they sucked thier thumbs when they slept, a lot of them abandonment issues with their mama, and all them niccas was crazy.

    2. Anal, methodical, obsessive,cleanliness- He irons his draws, places his cans labels in alphabetical order, washes his hands 20+ times a day, and his house always smells like bleach. Run.Like.Hell,- He has bodies in his basement.

    3. He makes bold affirmations on your future together: Oh you might think he is joking when he TELLS YOU- you’re gonna be his wife, and bear his babies. You might even think it’s cute, and manly staking his claim. But that nicca is serious like a heart attack,
    Let’s say, one fine evening ,you go on his computer to check your email, and stumble upon a word document, that happens to be a timeline of your relationships milestones. Everything from the 1st date , till the present moment, is a result of meticulous, methodical planning.
    Then you might see that this nicca has BEEN PLANNING THIS BEFORE YOU KNEW HE EXISTED!!! He peeped you out months ago, started to ask around about you,who knew you, what type of guys you like or dated in the past, your interests, hobbies, where you were from, what school you went to, who you hang with. Molding himself accordingly, next thing you know this negro done swept you off your feet!
    It’s uncanny how much he “gets” you, you have so much in common, suddenly you find yourself wearing nuthing but his old Bulls Championship t-shirt, while he’s off on a munchie run, looking at your projected conception date, and the names of your two unborn children staring back at you on his computer screen!

    This is by no means a comprehensive list…..
    The Lord Knows My Story :(

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  10. He is crazy if on the first date he is all on some jealousy time mess. But it is usually subtle, it be on some:

    Waiter: M’am are you ready to order?
    Woman: Can you give us a few minutes…
    Waiter: Ah yes, of course.
    *waiter walks away*
    Crazy Dude: So where you know him from, y’all used to talk or something?

    You know that fool is shell, find the nearest emergency exit and pray crazy dude doesn’t know your last name. I didn’t heed and ended up in a 3 year reign of pure crazy terror. Ms. Sophia, it ain’t worf it.

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