Theory & Essay

Signs Of An Insane Man

 

If he gifts you a crocodile, he's crazy.

 

Let’s just put this out here upfront: some men are just f*ckin’ ridiculous.

I can’t lie. For the longest time, I used to swear that women I know were making up the stories about the crazy men running rampant in the streets. I mean, how could men be that crazy considering the source. Ain’t nothing crazier than a woman with time on her hands.

Nothing.

Except a man with time on his hands and an axe to grind. And apparently a lot of women learn this the hard way. I had no idea. My sisters…a muhf*cka apologize. Daaaaaaaaaamn.

In the past few months, I’ve been a witness to and been regaled by the stories of absurd men doing absurd things. I’m so appalled. A VSS had to use me as a decoy after a rather persistent chap offered to take her to the bush and then proceeded to lick her face. Where dey do dat at? I’ve seen the proof of clearly insane men threatening bodily harm and property damage. I’ve been made aware that some men are full on stalkers who must have legal intervention in order to fall back.

In short, some men are absolutely insane. Usually, I reserve my darts of crazy for women but in truth, I have to give a shoutout to my brothas out there for trying to outcrazy those of the boob. Plus, I watch shows like First 48 and Snapped. And I’ve got the power.

Do you see what I did there?

And since nearly EVERY woman we all know has some story about some crazy dude who the regular world thinks is just a calm, cool, and collected dude, I figured I’d do the women a solid and put out there some signs of an insane man since clearly we all know some but women can’t seem to avoid them.

Leggo.

1. His life and life story don’t seem to match up

So you know how everybody keeps getting emails from Nigerian princes wanting to funnel $20 million to us to hold until they get out of the grapes of wrath or something? So let’s say you meet one of these ridiculously wealthy Nigerian princes…except he drives a cab. But he swears that he’s got two PhDs and in his country he’s royalty. He has an elephant named Babar and has his own money. And when I say he has his own money, I mean he has his own money. A prince! Point is, if a dude is telling you about his myriad accomplishments and how important he is…WHILE he’s delivering your package, he just might put you in a trunk one day. By the way, women fall for this sh*t so frequently it’s mind boggling. They’ll recount a story that makes no sense to anybody else but will give the dude the benefit of the doubt anyway. Pheromones are a hell of a drug.

2. He gets really emotionally involved really quickly

And I don’t mean like with a woman, I mean like with anything. Some guys get into their feelings really quickly about any and everything. These are not the men running Fortune 500 companies. No these are the men running the prison yards in California. Cali and Harlem are home to the sensitive thugs. These dudes go from zero to 60 for no apparent reason and then apologize shortly after because they know it was uncalled for. Every time. Any ninja that knows he’s wrong 10 seconds AFTER doing something completely irrational might get you dead.

3. He seems a wee bit too perfect

There are smooth guys out there. Clearly. There are also guys out there who always manage to say exactly what it is that a woman wants to hear. Run like hell, Virginia. Run like hell. Men and women function off of the inherent inability to understand one another but make up afterwards with beeswax bubblegum, whipped cream, and stirrups. Any man who’s made a life out of studying how to get over on women just might Rae Carruth you if things don’t turn out in his favor. And why? Because he built his persona on winning. Some guys can’t take losing. Beware the man who won’t take no for an answer or refuses to accept a hint.

4. He wears outfits of ill repute in public

I hate to say this, but I’m talking about those dashiki-esque, what is that velvet, Foogi suits, Steve Harvey, Jr collection, wearing ninjas who approach women with reckless abandon and are as persistent as can be with their promises of trips to Fiji or Des Moines in their private row on any Southwest Airlines Flight. Beware the ninja in sandals at a club as well. I have no science behind that one but it just seems like the attire of a crazy dude.

5. He crazy

Sometimes it’s blatant. Don’t pretend the red flag is really pink. That would also make him crazy.

Ladies, what are other signs you’ve observed of a crazy man? And fellas, help a sister out today. They need it.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST 2011 aka lower.case.p aka 21 KOOKAROO GANGSTA aka 40P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Filed Under:
Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

Previously

The Princess Boy?

  • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

    ive met my share of crazies in my day *smh* its a damn shame. no one man should have all that CRAZY!!! #word

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    Mannnnnn. You know me too well, you tellin my whole life story in this post.

    Except it’s not that we give the crazy men the benefit of the doubt….it’s more like we can’t pinpoint what exactly is wrong with them. And sometimes, we just gotta have some concrete proof, to explain it all. That’s at least what happened to me that one time in Vegas.

  • MsEvaBaby!

    I recently dated a man that said he wanted us to be together but he would have to have my soul. Ummmm hell naw. I have worked too hard and bargained with the Lord to keep it to let some crazy ninja just take it. I dont care how much you like me, that ish is mine….exit stage left. BTW it’s 30th burfday!

  • I’ll give it a try

    If the first time you meet any member of his family (mama, auntie, sister etc.) and the first thing they say is “Ohhhh, you going out with _________? Willingly?!” and gives you a wide eyed look *true story* Then you should know he is crazy and Run Forrest Run!

    And call me nosey, but after dealing with one pyscho, I will go thru a dudes medicine cabinet @ his house and either 1) Call my homegirl who is a pharmacist and run off the names on the bottle to her, or 2) snap a picture and google the names later.

    Call it what you want, I just call it preventative measures.

  • LegallyBrown

    Dang mannn…why didn’t u do this blog like…4 months ago?? :/ *sighs and drafts protective order*

  • legitimate_soul

    Co-sign all 5 on your list, Mr Jackson!

    He’s also crazy if:

    1. He ALWAYS has a nightmare that has him fighting in his sleep.

    2. The nightmare is about you leaving him.

    3. You wake up and that ninja is standing over you.

    4. When you get into an argument you think to hide all the sharp objects.

    5. If that ninja busts in on you while you are using the toilet to continue an argument.

    6. He will go from zero to 100 about frivolous isht that means nothing to no one. Like whether a shade of coral has more orange or more pink.

  • Daisy

    1. He throws a tuxedo at you

    2. He shows up at your hair salon in another state, and asks “can we talk” as you are getting hair sewn-in even though you never told him about your appt.

    3. He shows up to your house when the police have barricaded your street off (due to a fire at your neighbor’s house) just to make sure you’re ok

    4. He cries at Hooters as he proclaims his love for you…on your SECOND date.

    5. He scares you to the point that you grab the machete hidden under your bed threaten to cut him and he still doesn’t leave your house!!!

  • http://gravatar.com/tayjorcolmar Taylormay

    “Beware the ninja in sandals at a club as well. I have no science behind that one but it just seems like the attire of a crazy dude.”

    that’s the kind of dude who is just WAITING for somebody to step on his toes so he can get it poppin’ and act a darn fool.
    that also goes for the guy who wears his white tennis shoes to sporting events or outdoor concerts.

  • Misty Knight

    The Good Lord knows my troubles.
    I have met and dated, Married and been stalked by some exceptional banana cream pies. In retrospect there were always some red flags, maybe not always real red, but like a dusty rose, maroon …or magenta. But there were always signs some include but are not limited to:

    1. Adult thumb sucking. I went through a “thug stage” as a teenager, and one thing I noticed bout all those tatte’d up, negros was that they sucked thier thumbs when they slept, a lot of them abandonment issues with their mama, and all them niccas was crazy.

    2. Anal, methodical, obsessive,cleanliness- He irons his draws, places his cans labels in alphabetical order, washes his hands 20+ times a day, and his house always smells like bleach. Run.Like.Hell,- He has bodies in his basement.

    3. He makes bold affirmations on your future together: Oh you might think he is joking when he TELLS YOU- you’re gonna be his wife, and bear his babies. You might even think it’s cute, and manly staking his claim. But that nicca is serious like a heart attack,
    Let’s say, one fine evening ,you go on his computer to check your email, and stumble upon a word document, that happens to be a timeline of your relationships milestones. Everything from the 1st date , till the present moment, is a result of meticulous, methodical planning.
    Then you might see that this nicca has BEEN PLANNING THIS BEFORE YOU KNEW HE EXISTED!!! He peeped you out months ago, started to ask around about you,who knew you, what type of guys you like or dated in the past, your interests, hobbies, where you were from, what school you went to, who you hang with. Molding himself accordingly, next thing you know this negro done swept you off your feet!
    It’s uncanny how much he “gets” you, you have so much in common, suddenly you find yourself wearing nuthing but his old Bulls Championship t-shirt, while he’s off on a munchie run, looking at your projected conception date, and the names of your two unborn children staring back at you on his computer screen!

    This is by no means a comprehensive list…..
    The Lord Knows My Story :(

  • http://naturallyalise.com/blog/2011/01/05/all-words-everything-day-3feculent/ Naturally Alise

    He is crazy if on the first date he is all on some jealousy time mess. But it is usually subtle, it be on some:

    Waiter: M’am are you ready to order?
    Woman: Can you give us a few minutes…
    Waiter: Ah yes, of course.
    *waiter walks away*
    Crazy Dude: So where you know him from, y’all used to talk or something?

    You know that fool is shell, find the nearest emergency exit and pray crazy dude doesn’t know your last name. I didn’t heed and ended up in a 3 year reign of pure crazy terror. Ms. Sophia, it ain’t worf it.

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