Theory & Essay

Signs Of An Insane Man

 

If he gifts you a crocodile, he's crazy.

 

Let’s just put this out here upfront: some men are just f*ckin’ ridiculous.

I can’t lie. For the longest time, I used to swear that women I know were making up the stories about the crazy men running rampant in the streets. I mean, how could men be that crazy considering the source. Ain’t nothing crazier than a woman with time on her hands.

Nothing.

Except a man with time on his hands and an axe to grind. And apparently a lot of women learn this the hard way. I had no idea. My sisters…a muhf*cka apologize. Daaaaaaaaaamn.

In the past few months, I’ve been a witness to and been regaled by the stories of absurd men doing absurd things. I’m so appalled. A VSS had to use me as a decoy after a rather persistent chap offered to take her to the bush and then proceeded to lick her face. Where dey do dat at? I’ve seen the proof of clearly insane men threatening bodily harm and property damage. I’ve been made aware that some men are full on stalkers who must have legal intervention in order to fall back.

In short, some men are absolutely insane. Usually, I reserve my darts of crazy for women but in truth, I have to give a shoutout to my brothas out there for trying to outcrazy those of the boob. Plus, I watch shows like First 48 and Snapped. And I’ve got the power.

Do you see what I did there?

And since nearly EVERY woman we all know has some story about some crazy dude who the regular world thinks is just a calm, cool, and collected dude, I figured I’d do the women a solid and put out there some signs of an insane man since clearly we all know some but women can’t seem to avoid them.

Leggo.

1. His life and life story don’t seem to match up

So you know how everybody keeps getting emails from Nigerian princes wanting to funnel $20 million to us to hold until they get out of the grapes of wrath or something? So let’s say you meet one of these ridiculously wealthy Nigerian princes…except he drives a cab. But he swears that he’s got two PhDs and in his country he’s royalty. He has an elephant named Babar and has his own money. And when I say he has his own money, I mean he has his own money. A prince! Point is, if a dude is telling you about his myriad accomplishments and how important he is…WHILE he’s delivering your package, he just might put you in a trunk one day. By the way, women fall for this sh*t so frequently it’s mind boggling. They’ll recount a story that makes no sense to anybody else but will give the dude the benefit of the doubt anyway. Pheromones are a hell of a drug.

2. He gets really emotionally involved really quickly

And I don’t mean like with a woman, I mean like with anything. Some guys get into their feelings really quickly about any and everything. These are not the men running Fortune 500 companies. No these are the men running the prison yards in California. Cali and Harlem are home to the sensitive thugs. These dudes go from zero to 60 for no apparent reason and then apologize shortly after because they know it was uncalled for. Every time. Any ninja that knows he’s wrong 10 seconds AFTER doing something completely irrational might get you dead.

3. He seems a wee bit too perfect

There are smooth guys out there. Clearly. There are also guys out there who always manage to say exactly what it is that a woman wants to hear. Run like hell, Virginia. Run like hell. Men and women function off of the inherent inability to understand one another but make up afterwards with beeswax bubblegum, whipped cream, and stirrups. Any man who’s made a life out of studying how to get over on women just might Rae Carruth you if things don’t turn out in his favor. And why? Because he built his persona on winning. Some guys can’t take losing. Beware the man who won’t take no for an answer or refuses to accept a hint.

4. He wears outfits of ill repute in public

I hate to say this, but I’m talking about those dashiki-esque, what is that velvet, Foogi suits, Steve Harvey, Jr collection, wearing ninjas who approach women with reckless abandon and are as persistent as can be with their promises of trips to Fiji or Des Moines in their private row on any Southwest Airlines Flight. Beware the ninja in sandals at a club as well. I have no science behind that one but it just seems like the attire of a crazy dude.

5. He crazy

Sometimes it’s blatant. Don’t pretend the red flag is really pink. That would also make him crazy.

Ladies, what are other signs you’ve observed of a crazy man? And fellas, help a sister out today. They need it.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST 2011 aka lower.case.p aka 21 KOOKAROO GANGSTA aka 40P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

    ive met my share of crazies in my day *smh* its a damn shame. no one man should have all that CRAZY!!! #word

    • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

      ok so i wanted to add more to this last night but i was busy catching up on my new fave tv show before i went to bed…

      another sign a guy is crazy? they think their “crazy” is normal/acceptable.

      por ejemplo (for example): i met a guy at a conference. he spent the WHOLE conference trying to get me alone (all of my friends and colleagues were commenting how this brotha was puttin on the full court press). he was cute and nice so i eventually gave in, and we had lunch together on the last day of the conf. he starts telling me these weird stories of ex-gfs and an ex-fiance and how he was looking for love but he was afraid of getting hurt. but he thought i could be the type of girl he could trust again (o_O). basically my first clues he was NOT right. we had exchanged numbers/emails but made no plans to keep in touch or to ever see each other again. a few days after the conf, he emails me and tells me not to call/txt him becuz his wife might answer, so i should keep contact thru email.(O_O) im sorry, what.the.hayle?!?! besides the fact i had no intentions of contacting him ever again, how he just gon mention his WIFE like it was no big deal?? i simply told him to STOP contacting me. this fool then proceeds to email me pictures of him with his family (wife, kid, grandpa!) and getting offended when i told him again to leave me the hell alone. “oh so what are you, a lesbian or something?” yeah, yeah, thats exactly why i dont want to have anything to do with you mr creepy pants. *smdh* wtf??

      effing weirdos just flock to me!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        mr creepy pants? lol

        all of a sudden i want to watch sesame street

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    Mannnnnn. You know me too well, you tellin my whole life story in this post.

    Except it’s not that we give the crazy men the benefit of the doubt….it’s more like we can’t pinpoint what exactly is wrong with them. And sometimes, we just gotta have some concrete proof, to explain it all. That’s at least what happened to me that one time in Vegas.

    • http://www.twitter.com/girlgetalife V.E.G.

      Hey, Liz.
      Off topic but what’s the best way to reach you?
      I want to interview you about your trip to Haiti, if you’re willing.
      Lemme know.

      Thanks.

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        blog at lizburr dot com is my email.

    • WIP

      Also, the crazy men that I’ve ended up dating weren’t crazy to me at first (although I now know the signs). The first one was one of the sweetest guys I had ever met. I feel it takes 4-6 weeks for crazy to fully surface.

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        sometimes the crazy is so deep you think you’re in a movie. and you gotta stop and figure out if this is really happening lol. I love a good movie. that’s probably my problem :/

        • Yeah…So

          ahahaha… guilty… but sticking around to the end usually is a bad idea.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            right…cuz ninjas never make it to the end.

            • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

              Except LL Cool J.

        • http://www.twitter.com/SCSilk Silk!

          GUILTY!!!

          I could even hear the music change from “goin to the club” jams to short, choppy tension-filled strings…as he told me how Michael Jordan’s wife benefitted from staying with Mike through the lean years (this date was on July 19, 1998), and how all women who stuck by their men when they weren’t doing squat always made out in the end. Like his mama did. Even *I* heard the audience say “Run, Silk, run!”

          Nope. I didn’t run. I had to see the next scene.

          A restaurant, late at night, and dude won’t stop complimenting my butt. And I’m sitting on it. I playfully tell him to shut up, and he snapped. Good thing we were in public.

          “NOBODY tells me to shut up. My MAMA doesn’t tell my DADDY to shut up”

          Date over, he calls me later that night (pre-caller ID) to apologize…then snaps because I don’t ask him how to get a hold of him after he moves. He calls me all sorts of names and hangs up on me.

          Ninety minutes later, he calls: “Hi, I miss you.”

          I Googled the dude….there’s a whole forum about him spazzing out, asking women for money, gay porn movies. No bueno.

          I debated posting his real name. He’s still out there.

      • Deviant

        It’s always there. Lurking in the shadows.

      • Jhane Sez

        “Also, the crazy men that I’ve ended up dating weren’t crazy to me at first (although I now know the signs). The first one was one of the sweetest guys I had ever met. I feel it takes 4-6 weeks for crazy to fully surface.”

        The reason I always had a sexual wait period was in part to suss out crazy.

        I have a personal belief that everything f*c/ked up about a dude you will find out in the first 6 to 12 weeks.

        Example…

        1. His life and life story don’t seem to match up

        My significant others college roommate used to play college ball and he used to get mad women… okay he actually rode the bench and got the left overs from the groupie pool. He gets an academic suspension and leaves college never to return.

        He takes a job a surgical tech at a hospital… but tells women that he meets that he is in med school, this has since evolved into being a doctor and the joke is that within the next 10 years he will be a surgeon.

        He claims his car and home don’t reflect his income because he is modest… it only takes a few minutes to bust this dude because even though he has been working in hospitals for many years and knows lingo and procedure, it never occurred to him that a chick might know how to use google. ~JS

        • WIP

          S/N- It’s not even about crazy at this point, dudes just be straight lying. I check property tax listings, state employment records, county public records. everything.

          • http://lizburr.com Liz

            Hahahaha!! So i am not the only one? I’ve def caught a few men lying to me about their age based off some internet records search. it ain’t that hard to catch you in a lie. Big Brother Wikileaks will get you caught up.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            ^^ that’s crazy. but you’re a chick so you get a pass.

            • http://lizburr.com Liz

              We do it because we’re chicks, we have to. men don’t need to run background checks or anything because we don’t prey on women or are known for telling lies.

          • Adrienne

            I’m 23 and out of the loop . . . What websites do you use?

            • WIP

              county tax collector’s website lists properties and who owns them and the owner history; our state has a 411 to find employees and some of the agencies list everyone on the website too; the county courthouse website has a lot of public records online like marriage and court proceedings, foreclosure, etc.

      • Yeah…So

        Agreed, in the beginning everyone puts on their Sunday’s best attitude because they’re not quite comfortable yet, but when they do finally get comfortable ewwwww… and the crazy ones are ALWAYS the hardest to get rid of… like cockroaches or Diddy… lol I remember someone calling him a Hip Hop cockroach once… is that right?

      • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

        maybe its the guys i meet, but crazy guys always reveal their crazy to me within a matter of days. i guess i make them feel comfortable enough to unleash the insanity within *shrugs*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      you can pinpoint whats wrong with them when you tell other people (*ahem*) about them and the first reaction is…so wait…why is the first man to perform an open heart surgery on a kookaroo driving you in a cab from whole foods to mcdonalds?

      yeah. lol. thats what friends are for. to ask the questions you forget to think about.

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        LOL. Not all the time! Sometimes these things are easy to explain away. but the gut reaction usually sees the red flags immediately.

  • MsEvaBaby!

    I recently dated a man that said he wanted us to be together but he would have to have my soul. Ummmm hell naw. I have worked too hard and bargained with the Lord to keep it to let some crazy ninja just take it. I dont care how much you like me, that ish is mine….exit stage left. BTW it’s 30th burfday!

    • MsEvaBaby!

      *my 30th

    • legitimate_soul

      Happy Birfdayyyyyy!!!!

      • MsEvaBaby!

        @ legitimate_soul Thank you so much, new decade, new year, new me! I am sure I will see you a lot on here. Be Blessed

        • legitimate_soul

          You too, Lady! Have a beautiful birthday :D

    • http://gravatar.com/tayjorcolmar Taylormay

      Happy Birthday!

    • Hawaii

      Happy Birthday, MsEvaBaby! Welcome to 30 :D

    • Myseducation

      30 is all that and a bag of fritos! Happy birthday!

      Enjoy it!

    • Ms. My2Cents

      Happy Born Day! :)

    • Deeds

      Happy 30th bday!!

    • WIP

      Happy 30!!!

    • Princes_jasmen

      Happy Birthday

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      Happy Birthday yaaaay! 30 is the new young and s.exy. :)

      • Jhane Sez

        Welcome to 30- sexy… have a great birthday ~JS

        • MsEvaBaby!

          Thanks JS! I love reading your comments on here, always taking me to church

    • Deviant

      Congratulations on making it full term.

      • MsEvaBaby!

        Awww! Thank you to my VSB fam! It is the year of The Takeover for me

    • http://www.thefriendraiser.com jenifer daniels

      happy birthday boo!

    • Yeah…So

      Oh Happy B-day!

    • Yoles

      @MsEvaBaby!
      ?Happy Birthday?
      ?Blessings on your EarthStrong?
      ?Big Ups on your BornDay?
      ?Feliz Cumpleanos?
      ?Bonne Fete?
      Wishing you nothing but happiness on your very special day… Flirty 30!

      • Yeah…So

        How can you accomplish alladis and not be able to strike?

    • Beef Bacon

      HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    • http://twitter.com/sonofthehorizon stlunatic

      I hate to interrupt your birthday shine (yea you old and shit) but let’s rewind. You SOUL DOE? The #ENTAH thing?!? Like how do you sign that over? Is there paperwork involed? #Ihavequestions. Please see me in my office.

      • MsEvaBaby!

        *Scheduling an appointment with Mr. Stlunatic*
        Really doe it was the craziest ish because he was serious. I am always catching crazies *kanyeshrugs*. I always date the lost causes (my last relationship was with a guy who was in jail for 10 yrs, DONT JUDGE ME lol) This particular never met his father and mother died when he was 11. Never again SMH

    • Perfect Square

      yay! Oh Happy Day!

    • http://uphereoncloud9.com/ The Uncanny Wu Young Agent of M.E.

      Happy Uteran Exit Day!

      • Ms. My2Cents

        As a medical professional (and a Karate expert), I appreciate you for this^!

    • Medium Meech

      Happy B-day!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      happy birthday and sh*t.

      btw this? “recently dated a man that said he wanted us to be together but he would have to have my soul. Ummmm hell naw. ”

      some chick sh*t lol. i had a chick tell me she wouldnt get into heaven without me by her side.

      apparently she’s going to hell.

      • LUVNYC

        She wouldn’t get into heaven without you next to her? I just had to re-phrase that in put it in a question form to make sure I read that correctly. If that ain’t crazy I don’t know what is! I hope you ran like the wind.

      • WIP

        BOL, keep her in your prayers

      • MsEvaBaby!

        Signs of a Crazy….

      • http://thechroniclesofisis.blogspot.com QP_Doll

        Good thing I have my own office…..Kapow! this ish is hilarious!!!

    • sugahoneyicedtea

      Happy day of birth! Dude wanted your soul? Aww, hecky nawl..

    • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      Happy birfday, MsEva!!

      • Chocolynne

        Happy birthday to you & your soul.

        • MsEvaBaby!

          My soul appreciates it

    • Mr. Gundam

      k, I kno im the very LAST person here but……

      Happy Birthday, may your hangover be short

  • I’ll give it a try

    If the first time you meet any member of his family (mama, auntie, sister etc.) and the first thing they say is “Ohhhh, you going out with _________? Willingly?!” and gives you a wide eyed look *true story* Then you should know he is crazy and Run Forrest Run!

    And call me nosey, but after dealing with one pyscho, I will go thru a dudes medicine cabinet @ his house and either 1) Call my homegirl who is a pharmacist and run off the names on the bottle to her, or 2) snap a picture and google the names later.

    Call it what you want, I just call it preventative measures.

    • http://gravatar.com/tayjorcolmar Taylormay

      lol i was just watching an episode of girlfriends and joan was checking through her dude’s cabinet and reading the labels to lynn

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        btw…any chick who references joan as a model of what to do in a relationship is doomed for a life of singality.

        and no, singality isn’t a word.

        but it is now.

        • Taylormay

          oh hell- any woman that acts like joan is doomed to be bankrupt from paying for broke ninjas, appearing on jerry and maury and maybe even suicide (too far?)! i just started watching that show because i saw the re runs on black evil television and i was like my god- no wonder women are single!

          • Girl Kanyeshrug

            Even though Joan is weird I still love her and her fashion sense..and that she always has nice things lol!

    • http://naturallyalise.com/blog Naturally Alise

      I definitely feel you about the medicine cabinet check-up. I’m not usually a snoop, but I be checking for Valtrex, AZT, and any psychotropic drugs. You gotta cover all bases, just in case, #NoJaheim

      • http://www.twitter.com/girlgetalife V.E.G.

        Haven’t you seen that (I think) Southwest commercial?
        Snooping in the cabinet and all the shelves fall down?
        Don’t get caught out like that.

        • Dee

          “I was looking for a Band-Aid.”

          • WIP

            “Oh did you cut yourself? Where is it?”

            Now you need to produce a sore worthy of a Band-Aid. If you gonna snoop, just don’t touch anything.

            S/N: I snooped while helping one of my exes move and found out he had completely lied to me about his age by the birthdate on a prescription bottle.

            • Dee

              On my butt. (this does happen to me a lot. I can’t navigate doors properly and run into door knobs all the time.)

            • Sula

              Why do people lie about their age? Especially men? That’s so odd to me.

              • WIP

                In this case, I came to find out that he had the ‘Peter Pan’ syndrome and still wanted to act 25 when he was actually 33. He actually looked much younger and could pull it off, but unfortunately, he had the mindset to go with the look.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          that commercial is hilarious. and i wish a motherf*cka would go snooping thru my sh*t and get caught.

          i been itching to put somebody out lately anyway.

          • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

            “i been itching to put somebody out lately anyway.”

            Maybe it’s because I’m — I don’t know — crazy, but I pictured you harboring like 25 niccas in yo house and you’re just itching to throw one of em out because it’s getting crowded in there.

      • http://twitter.com/sonofthehorizon stlunatic

        Ya’ll are wrong for that. These women are worse than the damn health insurance companies. . .

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          b-i-n-g-motherf*ckin-o

        • LUVNYC

          Hey its not women only. I’m in my shower while my friend is at my place. He knocks on the bathroom door says he needs to brush his teeth. The next thing I know I hear shuffling in my cabinets I peek out the shower all my cabinet doors are open and he’s standing there like a deer caught in headlights. So I ask whats up the only thing he could think to say was “Is this vingear for cooking?” Talk about bold! I said no but what are you looking for? He grabs the lint brush and says oh this.I guess he was going to brush lint off his teeth.

      • Mo-VSS

        I do this too! Girl that’s how I found out my ex fiance was lying to me when he said that he was only taking meds for depression. That negro was bi-polar. No bueno on the lies.

        Check the medicine cabinet folks.

    • http://naturallyalise.com/blog Naturally Alise

      YES! You have to believe it when the family is all bonsai throwing a little shade) on a dude. Take it at face value and keep it moving.

      • Chocolynne

        I can’t believe that people would actually keep their more “interesting” drugs in the medical cabinet like that. Obviously people snoop! All you’d find in mine is some floss, deodorant and other non-descript items like that. Anything really good would be in my bedroom drawer or some place like that..

  • LegallyBrown

    Dang mannn…why didn’t u do this blog like…4 months ago?? :/ *sighs and drafts protective order*

    • Perfect Square

      LOL (literally) Good thing I don’t have a job

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      i was fending off some crazy broads so they distracted me.

  • legitimate_soul

    Co-sign all 5 on your list, Mr Jackson!

    He’s also crazy if:

    1. He ALWAYS has a nightmare that has him fighting in his sleep.

    2. The nightmare is about you leaving him.

    3. You wake up and that ninja is standing over you.

    4. When you get into an argument you think to hide all the sharp objects.

    5. If that ninja busts in on you while you are using the toilet to continue an argument.

    6. He will go from zero to 100 about frivolous isht that means nothing to no one. Like whether a shade of coral has more orange or more pink.

    • I’ll give it a try

      “3. You wake up and that ninja is standing over you.”

      What if you wake up to him staring at you while you sleep, and he says “Your so peaceful when you sleep, so very very still, like you should stay that way forever.” 0_o

      • legitimate_soul

        Gurl! GTFO of there as inconspicuously as possible. Sleepily say “That’s so sweet” and look to see what time it is. Whatever time it is it’s too late and act as if you forgot you gotta drop your momma/grandma/father (whoever) off and that you over-slept and they are relying on you. Play it off real smooth and get to gettin’!

      • Yeah*yeah*Yeah

        RUN!!

      • BomQuiQui

        LMAO!! You stop that!!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        i’m sorry but that’s f*cking hilarious. lol.

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        Well…

        dayum.

    • MsEvaBaby!

      #5 *DEAD*

    • WIP

      Wow, is there a crazy man script or something??? Why crazy dudes always have dreams about you leaving them or cheating on them?

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        speaking of crazy sh*t. and this is a general questoin for the boobs out there…why do SO many women ask us if we want to hit you after you piss us off?

        lol. like, i didnt. but you asking me makes me think that i might want to. of course i wont.

        but why do yall always ask that? cuz if i say yes, i’m the bad guy. lol but you asked…right?

        • legitimate_soul

          I NEVER ask that isht. He!! naw! I don’t think I know anyone who does. I’m not into provoking a situation to make it worse or trying to deride someone. If we (a guy and I) are in a disagreement, I care about my point and hoping I am acknowledged and understood. Respect my view. He doesn’t even have to agree. It is not, I repeat, NOT an excuse to be batsh!t.

        • http://twitter.com/Phidelity15 Phidelity15

          Its to test to see if we have effectively pushed you to the point of no return. If you say yeah I wanna smack the ish outta you and then reach…we have confirmation that you wanna lose your life tonight. If you say no..then we proceed on til you reach your breaking point.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            so basically, you’re trying to put somebody in jail: you or me

            • http://twitter.com/Phidelity15 Phidelity15

              if you’re really to the point of violence well then yeah. But you have to remember its only a question and you never really have to entertain anyone’s questions. So if she asking you those questions…she might be looking for a reason to visit the county jail. I suggest you leave her for good
              I personally have never asked a man if he wanted to hit me (well at least that I can remember) because I really don’t want to know the answer to that question. And on top of that I really don’t want to go to jail either, because truly and I mean this from the bottom of my soul, if a man lays a hand on me, he gon lose his life and no one is that important for me to give up my freedom for.
              .

        • WIP

          “why do SO many women ask us if we want to hit you after you piss us off?”

          I’m not sure where they do that. I do something worth being mad about, I’m gonna apologize and leave you alone or try to make a joke. But eventually if you stay “pi$$ed off at me” and get an attitude, I’ma get mad cuz you got an attitude with me, LOL.

          • WIP

            Oh..scratch all that, I misread the question LOL. Thought you said “hit it”.

        • http://knockingonthirty.blogspot.com/ H

          WTF asks some stupid question like that?

          Fugg around and lose an eye-socket – I would never ask anyone man or woman that….mess around and get a head nod vertical #YES

    • JustForToday

      My Ex did #5, so I guess she was crazy too……………

      • legitimate_soul

        ^She sho nuff was. I mean they holding you captive simply because nature called.

    • Deviant

      3. You wake up and that ninja is standing over you.

      You will never be the same after this.

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      Lmmmaaaoooooooo….hey I sleep like an aerobics instructor, don’t judge that. lolol Also, watching your man sleep is s.exy… I feel like I’m bonding with him.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        but we already know you crazy.

    • Eliz927

      3, 4, and 6… all from the same guy. SMH

      the guy who decided I was the One and asked about what kind of engagement ring I wanted within 2 weeks of dating. #wddta

      i walked away from a 2 ct. solitaire from Tiffany’s and never looked back lol

  • Daisy

    1. He throws a tuxedo at you

    2. He shows up at your hair salon in another state, and asks “can we talk” as you are getting hair sewn-in even though you never told him about your appt.

    3. He shows up to your house when the police have barricaded your street off (due to a fire at your neighbor’s house) just to make sure you’re ok

    4. He cries at Hooters as he proclaims his love for you…on your SECOND date.

    5. He scares you to the point that you grab the machete hidden under your bed threaten to cut him and he still doesn’t leave your house!!!

    • legitimate_soul

      Gotcha. The guy or guys in those examples sound crazier than cat sh!t. I’m so glad you can tell the tale.

      • Daisy

        Girl, that was ONE guy. SMH.

        • Jai

          #4 If he did all of this…why was there a third date???!!??? :( SMFH

          • Mo-VSS

            Exactly what I was thinking. Maybe this happened when she was a young VSS…we do get caught off guard when the life experiences haven’t prepared us for such instances of crazy.

    • BomQuiQui

      Lol, machete hidden under your bed??? Where do you live? Rwanda circa the 90s???

      • I’ll give it a try

        Lol, machete hidden under your bed??? Where do you live? Rwanda circa the 90s???

        *DEAD*

      • sistaPOET

        she must be Jamaican. machetes are the way truth and light in jamrock lmfao

        • WIP

          LOL, the last Jamaican dude I dealt with kept a machete by his bed too. I guess it’s an island thing?

          • BomQuiQui

            Lol, this reminds me of when I was a kid. I found my dad’s machete in his tool garage. Mama comes out to find me practicing my machete-throwing skills in the yard.

            This is what happens when you grow up in the country. Smh.

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        My 70+ year old coworker has a machete in her car. I’m talmbout, ready to pull out all ninja style, too. But she from Texas, so…

        • Starita34

          It’s not a Jamaican thing, it’s a protecting your life space thing! I had a knife IN my bed, IN my couch, in my car, of course my kitchen, and in my bathroom when I lived in a not so nice area in Ft Worth, TX…I was ALWAYS within arms reach of a knife-and I’m Whitey McWhiterson from VanWhitenburg-just ask Gem, she confirmed it.

    • Jhane Sez

      @Daisy…

      Your whole list had me rolling… but these 2

      “1. He throws a tuxedo at you”

      I actually saw this happen at a wedding… I really hope that wasn’t you.

      “5. He scares you to the point that you grab the machete hidden under your bed threaten to cut him and he still doesn’t leave your house!!!”

      I think that some dudes don’t realize how crazy makes women fear for their personal safety… which is why I stay at the gun range ~JS

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      so while i understand the machete under a bed, i’m more curious as to how a tuxedo ends up getting thrown at you.

      details please.

    • Boo Radley

      “3. He shows up to your house when the police have barricaded your street off (due to a fire at your neighbor’s house) just to make sure you’re ok’

      Maybe it’s just me, but not only do I not find this crazy, I pretty much expect it. I wish I would find out that a dude I’m dating found my street barricaded and didn’t try to ensure my safety. It’s a barricade, not the Berlin Wall. You can get around that ish. I could be trapped! Or injured! Or severely inconvenienced! Hells naw! What part of the game is that? Ol’pinkshirtwearin’, skinny jeans sagging, more jewelry than me wearing, s-curl rocking, red n white cane twirlin’ mofo! NEXT!

      • APRIL

        If the police don’t phase him, spending life in prison for murder won’t either

  • http://gravatar.com/tayjorcolmar Taylormay

    “Beware the ninja in sandals at a club as well. I have no science behind that one but it just seems like the attire of a crazy dude.”

    that’s the kind of dude who is just WAITING for somebody to step on his toes so he can get it poppin’ and act a darn fool.
    that also goes for the guy who wears his white tennis shoes to sporting events or outdoor concerts.

    • legitimate_soul

      “Mandals”. Their evil knows no bounds. I kid, I kid! LOL

    • http://naturallyalise.com/blog Naturally Alise

      and if there are socks on with those sandals you might as well file a preemptive restraining order, lol

      • http://gravatar.com/tayjorcolmar Taylormay

        socks just scream i have relationship issues/ i can’t get no love/ i don’t give a dan because i’m rich (-b*tch)/i live in my mom’s basement reading comic books all day and i own 72 Hawaiian beach shirts

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      ninjas rocking uptowns or coke-whites signals crazy outside? thats news to me

      • Taylormay

        yep. they’re usually the same ones with a gun just waiting to shoot somebody over dumb ish.

  • Misty Knight

    The Good Lord knows my troubles.
    I have met and dated, Married and been stalked by some exceptional banana cream pies. In retrospect there were always some red flags, maybe not always real red, but like a dusty rose, maroon …or magenta. But there were always signs some include but are not limited to:

    1. Adult thumb sucking. I went through a “thug stage” as a teenager, and one thing I noticed bout all those tatte’d up, negros was that they sucked thier thumbs when they slept, a lot of them abandonment issues with their mama, and all them niccas was crazy.

    2. Anal, methodical, obsessive,cleanliness- He irons his draws, places his cans labels in alphabetical order, washes his hands 20+ times a day, and his house always smells like bleach. Run.Like.Hell,- He has bodies in his basement.

    3. He makes bold affirmations on your future together: Oh you might think he is joking when he TELLS YOU- you’re gonna be his wife, and bear his babies. You might even think it’s cute, and manly staking his claim. But that nicca is serious like a heart attack,
    Let’s say, one fine evening ,you go on his computer to check your email, and stumble upon a word document, that happens to be a timeline of your relationships milestones. Everything from the 1st date , till the present moment, is a result of meticulous, methodical planning.
    Then you might see that this nicca has BEEN PLANNING THIS BEFORE YOU KNEW HE EXISTED!!! He peeped you out months ago, started to ask around about you,who knew you, what type of guys you like or dated in the past, your interests, hobbies, where you were from, what school you went to, who you hang with. Molding himself accordingly, next thing you know this negro done swept you off your feet!
    It’s uncanny how much he “gets” you, you have so much in common, suddenly you find yourself wearing nuthing but his old Bulls Championship t-shirt, while he’s off on a munchie run, looking at your projected conception date, and the names of your two unborn children staring back at you on his computer screen!

    This is by no means a comprehensive list…..
    The Lord Knows My Story :(

    • Princes_jasmen

      This Right here will give me nightmare tonight.

    • Dee

      Did you ever read “She’s come Undone” by Wally Lamb? The protagonist works in a photo lab, sees a cute dude, stalks him, and starts a relationship….

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        YES. Wally Lamb is AIRthang. I love “I know this much is true” the bestest.

    • http://www.thefriendraiser.com jenifer daniels

      i knew an anal retentive dude. he always lived in a 2 bedroom apt and he clothes & shoes stayed in one room.

      dude took longer to get dressed than me. and i had relaxed hair at the time.

    • Cayenne

      Oh WOW! :-o

      This sounds like a psychological thriller on Lifetime. Glad you made it out alive….

    • legitimate_soul

      Co-sign on #2!

      1. On your #2, I went to high school with some gangstas that ironed their sweat pants, so YES!

      2. Road Tripped in college to visit my roommate’s high school best friend and while hanging with her we went to a dudes house who’s house smelled very, very, very strongly of bleach.

      3. *Patting myself on the back for leaving the dude alone that said he wanted to lock me down and get me pregnant after only one dance at a Christmas party*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      so this entire comment was the plot line for the movie N-Secure.

    • Sula

      Oh yes, your number 2 is so true… #nightmares

  • http://naturallyalise.com/blog/2011/01/05/all-words-everything-day-3feculent/ Naturally Alise

    He is crazy if on the first date he is all on some jealousy time mess. But it is usually subtle, it be on some:

    Waiter: M’am are you ready to order?
    Woman: Can you give us a few minutes…
    Waiter: Ah yes, of course.
    *waiter walks away*
    Crazy Dude: So where you know him from, y’all used to talk or something?

    You know that fool is shell, find the nearest emergency exit and pray crazy dude doesn’t know your last name. I didn’t heed and ended up in a 3 year reign of pure crazy terror. Ms. Sophia, it ain’t worf it.

    • http://twitter.com/bsquared86 BSQUARED86

      LMAO @ this! yessss . . . if he’s jealous and ya’ll barely know each other . . . RUN!

    • afro_in_the_wind

      CO-SIGN! If on the first date he’s asking you “So are you dating someone else?” with a little base in his voice, you’re in for trouble.

      Good post, Panama. Hilariously true.

    • Madame Zenobia

      Crazy Dude: So where you know him from, y’all used to talk or something?

      ***DEAD****

      That’s hilarious….and oh so true.

      • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com/ Sage of Silence

        thats a completely reasonable question. sheez. Gettin’ all friendly and stuff. What? A brotha can’t ask a question? Fine, I’ll stick to making assumptions and call them deductions.

        • http://naturallyalise.com/blog Naturally Alise

          But the thing is the waiter was doing his job, not flirting, all he asked was to take her order… why would someone assume you knew the waitstaff…

          • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com/ Sage of Silence

            oh, I got it, I was just being sarcastic…that is all. It doesn’t even make sense to be that insecure. lol
            You thought I was really crazy ahhahhahahaha

    • WIP

      LOL, yes. My first crazy would constantly accuse me of knowing people and flirting with people just because I looked at them!

      • legitimate_soul

        I know. They not happy unless you looking on the ground. Da fugg?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      so i’m gonna go ahead and say if it was a 3 year reign of terror, 2 years and 6 months of that was your fault.

      • http://naturallyalise.com/blog Naturally Alise

        lol, i agree… I was young and dumb.