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Significant Moments In Black History That Never Really Happened Pt. 2

Back in the days after I was a teenager and well after I had a Skypager (I never had a Skypager) I wrote about significant moments in Black history that never really happened. By no means a definitive list, it included such landmark and hallmark moments as the death of Ricky on the streets of South Central Los Angeles in Boyz N The Hood and Dwayne and Whitley getting married on A Different World. These things mattered and always will. Ricky taught dudes that if you’re running from somebody with a gun, you best hit that zig zag motion and be unpredictable. Don’t zig when you need to zag, my G. And for heaven’s sake, do NOT run in a straight line from the gunfire.

But there are TONS more moments that have had an impact on the community that never actually happened in real life. Because they’re fictitious. Because they aren’t real. Because fiction.

Well guess who’s back in the motherfuckin’ house with some more significant moments?!? I noticed you noticing me. So I wanted to put you on notice that I noticed you too.

1. James dying on Good Times and Florida adding to the Black lexicon

One of the most significant moments in Black history that never really happened was James Evans, Sr’s death in an automobile accident in Mississippi. He had gone down there to find work. Turns out he got that work. Okay, that was a bad pun. My bad. Point is, James death wasn’t like, the worst shit to ever happen. Niggas die everyday, b. I mean it sucked royally for their family as James was a stand up guy just trying to do well by his family. And it was super sad. They read that letter at a party. Talk about your mood dampener. But what made it super significant was what happened when Florida had her breakdown moment in the kitchen. She uttered words that have lived on in the Black community since 1976, “DAMN DAMN DAAAAAAAAAMN”. I wasn’t even alive when this happened and I say it like that whenever the opportunity presents itself. Outkast threw it in a song. White people remember it. If somebody ever asks you where that saying came from, you should rip them apart with vicious rhetoric.

2. Big Red dangling Bird over the balcony in The Five Heartbeats

This is important (and significant) for a few reasons. 1. Bird deserved an award for his acting in that scene. It really seemed like they dangled his ass over the balcony. 2. It led to the greatest notification of office hours of all time. All business whose office hours are from 9 to 5 should use that recording. When I open my own business, the office hours will be from 9-5 ‘pacfically so I can say, “my office hours are from…” and have some little voice saying…”9..to…sob…5…” 3. This scene was part of what led to the death of Jimmy Potter which, fuck Eddie King, Jr. for that one as a staff, as a label, and as a motherfuckin’ crew. Honestly, The Five Heartbeats has so many monumental moments (Eddie singing “…nights like this I wish, raindrops would fa-aaaaaaaaaaa-aalll…” to the soundtra…wait a minute)..

2b. The Five Heartbeats Soundtrack sucking major nuts

Bruh. Who in the hell thought it would be a good idea to take the songs from the movie that we all LOVED and remix then make them shitty? Do you know why that was significant? It was the first time a soundtrack based on a movie about music fucked up SO badly that nearly everybody hated the soundtrack. The vocals in the movie were so good why not just release that? But noooooooooooooooooooooooo. Turrble. Just turrble.

3. Those suckas got served in You Got Served

3. Kane dying in Menace II Society

Fictional deaths are a real cottage industry in Never-Really-Happened Black History. I took Kane’s death pretty hard. It was because of his voiceover. See, earlier in the movie his grandfather asked him if he cared if he lived or died. He wasn’t sure in that moment. Turns out, yeah, he did…but now it was too late. Kane gone. Our nigga dead. Poor Shareef. Didn’t even know who Willy Lump Lump was – none of us do – and caught a bad one. Ricky dying was just unfair. It hurt. Kane dying was showing how a kid who decided to try to do right after doing SO MUCH WRONG still can’t make it out of LA. It also introduced us to Samuel Monroe, Jr aka Ilena’s cousin that got stomped out by Kane and O-Dog who came back blasting. Since that killing, he got Stony’s little brother killed in Set It Off and raped Ebony in The Player’s Club. I saw a meme about him online and it was so true. The gist? On God…I wouldn’t trust that nigga in real life, fam. Truer words were never spoken.

4. The entire movie of Belly

Have you seen this shit? Belly is the worst kinda good movie of all time. I’d stake my life on this. Well, maybe not my life. But perhaps my spleen. It’s a music video parading as a movie. If it was billed as a long form music video, like Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” it might be the greatest long form music video of all time. But it’s a movie. And almost a kinda good but not really one. Yet it gave us classic lines like, “Africa? That’s far.” and “When’s the last time you read anything, man?” “Never, motherfucker.” Brilliance. Women all seem to love the uber-aggressive sex scene with DMX and that tall drink of chocolate milk, Taral Hicks donning the most ubiquotous hood name ever, Kisha. Tyrin Turner playing the version of Kane that didn’t die and made it out of LA only to move to Nebraska, get a perm, eat lots of bananas and wear really thick glasses. The scene with the honorable minister…its classic. Oh, what makes it significant?

It was the first time they never should have given you niggas money.

5. “Until you do right by me…everythings you think about is gonna crumble.”

Miss Celie took back her power. He wasn’t worth it. And we were all happy. I still do the finger sometimes. It ain’t real if you don’t do the fingers that she threw at Mister on the way out the door.

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • Sigma_Since 93

    I couldn’t resist.

  • NoPlaysOff

    The Black Awareness Week Pageant changed my life forever……

    • Lea Thrace

      This one is tops for me.

      Sexual Chocolate! *stamps foot*

      • Thats the equivalent of Clifton Powell as “Pinky” on Friday stompin’ his feet and spinning in a circle, lol.
        I’m Pinky nugga!

    • Sigma_Since 93

      I learned it was ok to put a chicken bone in the offering plate.

    • Amazonian Midget

      My brother presented me at my Debutante Ball (shout out to all children of divorced parents), and I think the presenters (mostly fathers) did a little pre-gaming. This caused my brother to whisper, through his teeth, “Randy Watson!” and “Sexual Chocolate” during my presentation. I’m so glad no one heard him. lol

      • Sigma_Since 93

        I’ve gotta get one of these now

        • miss t-lee

          I want this shirt.

        • I had one… Pretty sure an ex stole it

        • NoPlaysOff

          I have this one, a McDowells shirt, a Soul Glo shirt and a Mission College hoodie. They should’ve never gave me access to donkeytees.com!

          • HeyBooHey

            I’ll now be copping a Soul Glo shirt post haste

          • Shhhh can’t be letting everyone get hip

      • NoPlaysOff

        Awesome! Yea, anytime there’s something that can double as a microphone and a stage, someone in my family will perform this scene, leaving someone else to yell “that boi good!”

        • I may or may not have said that to myself after particularly enthusiastic relations. LOL

          • NoPlaysOff

            HA!!!

          • Sigma_Since 93

            You should have told her to get in the kitchen and make those tacos!

            • DiamondIsMyRealName

              I have sent gifs and youtube clips of the beat it up right dance a few times lmbo

          • PhlyyPhree

            I DEFINITELY said that to someone after an extremely vigorous round of chexy time. I give props where they’re due

        • Boo Radley

          We do the same thing with “Sista” and “God is Trying to Tell You Something.”

    • Ah Coming to America. RIP to the McDowells Wendy’s on Queens Boulevard!

      • HeyBooHey

        I used to point it out to everyone I brought to town. “That’s the McDowells!”

        • Since it was right by the subway stop for my high school, I used to hang out there some. I was pissed when they tore it down for condos

          • Julie Mango TheGladiator Staff

            NYC is tearing everything for condos or storage places!!! :(

          • HeyBooHey

            Smh damn shame. That whole area is condos and apartment buildings, how many more do they need??!

  • veryaveragebrotha

    When Bodie got shot.
    When Stringer got shot.
    When Omar got shot.

    • Man, all because McNulty had to make it hot…RIP Bodie.

      • Bodie was going to die anyway. He showed his a** at Little Kevin’s crime scene. Being seen with McNutty just expedited the merking.

      • Bodie was going to die on that block whether it was then or 5 years from then. That was his choice.

    • Chris Cash

      Wallace tho. I almost shed a real tear when he got shot. If it wasn’t for Wallace being killed I wouldn’t have become fan enough to make it through season 2 and witness the rest. Wallace’s murder set a precedent for the show. IMO

      • How so?

        • Chris Cash

          By killing off a likable character in a realistic way. I thought they were building up Wallace because he was going to become a major character. He got handled like snitches really get dealt with. I didn’t think they were actually going to do it.

    • Medium Meech

      Different coast, but when they shot Ricky. Also, when his brother made one of the most important statement about the media and black people “either they don’t know, don’t show, or don’t care what’s going on in the hood”.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      Wallace……Where’s Wallace????

      • BART police killed him

        • Julie Mango TheGladiator Staff

          Fruitvale Station had my eyes sweaty

          • That little girl said wheres Daddy, I got all the allergies

            • Sigma_Since 93

              When his momma said I told him to take the train…..mayne I had to go to the basement and pound the heavy bag into submission like Bruce Leroy did.

            • Julie Mango TheGladiator Staff

              Michael B Jordan really should’ve gotten an Oscar nomination for that role

    • MzzPeaches

      So yesterday I preceded to tell my home boy that I’ve never seen The Wire and was gone watch it since it’s on my HBO onDemand, and then this Micky Ficky says “yeah and Idris Elba killing his character off blah blah blah”

      I was like “wait a min muhfukka! Why would you tell me that?! I didn’t know!” Yeah I’m behind, but damn…

      • celinad6

        You kinda just did the same thing you’re complaining about. I haven’t seen it yet either.

        • Jennifer

          With all due respect, ladies, that show went off 7 years ago. All bets are off.

        • MzzPeaches

          Damn damn damn! Sorry fam ????

  • anotherredhead

    I’d add Smokey and Craig almost losing their lives over $200. Well maybe not that significant but certainly indicative of how real it was in ’95.

    • It was the principality tho

  • Dilon Wilson

    When Kane got shot it messed with me as a kid. Jada became my girlfriend after that movie. I wonder what happened to that lil boy tho

  • Leigh

    Once of the baddest lines EVER mentioned in a movie comes courtesy of that blaxploitation classic The Mack:

    “Listen Mr. Pretty Tony, I mean you know the rules. I mean, your b****
    chose me. Now we can settle this like you got some class, or we can get
    into some gangsta s***”.

    • I may have nearly used that line in real life. LOL

      • Madame Zenobia

        I have used that AND “Shut the f*** up when you hear grown folks talking, you hear?” Also, “Shade tree ninja. You a rest haven for heauxs.”

    • Julie Mango TheGladiator Staff

      ^^^THIS^^^^

  • 1. I have a theory that James ain’t die he just wanted away from that horrible family
    2. Suge doing it in real life > Red doing it > Jamal Lynn doing it
    2b. I refuse to accept that Five Heartbeats is an awful movie
    3. Kane had it coming
    4. I still think Nas thinks Africa is a country, and T Boz thinks she dated him in real life
    5. The Miss Celie curse….. Because it’s immoral to pray bad things happen to people

    • panamajackson

      Rebuttal to 2b. You mean the Five Heartbeats soundtrack? In my estimation, The Five Heartbeats is one of the greatest movies of all time.

      • My mistake, yeah only Haven’t Finished Yet I acknowledge was sung in a bedroom not fit for them grown a** people

    • MzzPeaches

      5. Nah son, Mister had that one coming. All the fam I got in this world is my sister, you try and rape her, send her away when she fought back, then cut off all communication and beat my azz for 20+ yrs. He better be glad she didn’t bake a sweet potato pie that would have killed him in 3 days.

  • The first black-hip-hop plane, with a night club.
    https://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1f4r4Sei61rsv0iuo6_400.gif

    (For the record, life is funny: 10 years after this disgrace lol, Kevin Hart and Sofia Vegara have pretty much taken over their respected fields…good lesson to teach your kids about embarrassing moments i suppose)

    • panamajackson

      I may need to write a post about how Soul Plane gets a terrible rap for absolutely no good reason.

      • I think a lot of it has to do with a lot of black people would want to see a black-owned airline, and are kind of annoyed, that the fictional version they got was Soul Plane.

        Personally, I found it hilarious, some of my favorite comics are in it, however, it’s still a bad movie.

        • I don’t remember it being good but I think the narrative was this movie is awful and most just didn’t watch…. Also Godfrey was vastly underrated in that film

      • I’ve only seen bits and pieces of it but it’s one of those movies where the white folks I know laughed a little too hard at this ish. Kind of messed up my perception of it for me.

      • miss t-lee

        oh the terrible rap it gets is completely justified.
        Don’t let your love of bad Black movies cloud your judgement, mayne.

      • Medium Meech

        Panama, It’s a film about a black owned airline where the plane has spinners, purple candy paint, hydraulics and a NWA logo. The pilot is afraid of heights, learned to fly planes in prison and is also snoop dog. There is a club in the plane, a wigger kid, a white girl that loves black guys and Tom Arnold as Elvis Hunkee, your lovable typecast white guy. The only reason I’m not saying that movie isn’t actually a movie but more of a progression of lazy stereotypes set to music is because I just typed it.

      • NoPlaysOff

        I agree… Granted, it borderline sucked. But not “setting Black people back X amount of years” sucked. This was one of the few times I disagreed with Aaron McGruder.

    • miss t-lee

      They really did come up.

    • stmije

      Sofia Vegara has like no accent in that movie. I can’t tell if how she talks now is an affectation or if that’s her actual voice.

      • Its definitely put on, no one talks like that

        • miss t-lee

          They don’t talk about it, but it’s definitely changed.

      • I don’t know, I’ve been faking my Nigerian accent for more than 10 years now…after awhile, you forget what you sound like. My accent really only comes out when I’m speaking pidgin English or acting bush (African version of ghetto, ratchet, hood etc).

        In other words, I kind of sound like Godfrey in Soul Plane I supposed, with an accent that’s been watered down overtime.

      • She has an accent.

    • I’ve never seen more than 30 minutes of this movie.

    • Hey, if Jamie Foxx can survive Booty Call to win an Oscar, anything is possible!!!

      • AlwaysCC

        let’s not forget “held up” – it wasn’t a good moment for him or nia long lol

        • And Bait…..Djamie had a keen eye for stinkers

          • AlwaysCC

            that was the other one! lol i couldn’t remember the name (remembering the movie is bad enough)

      • miss t-lee

        This is truth.

      • stmije

        Auuuggggh, I had forgotten about that movie. The braids with the beads!

  • I think this qualifies too, even though the main character isn’t black:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9uZo236FRA

  • Sigma_Since 93

    Now that I’ve had my fun below, I’ll add:

    When Penny got burned with the iron in Good Times
    When the old dude touched Dudley in Different Strokes
    When Kevin Hill had to give the baby back to the trifflin’ (but good looking) Meghan Good in Kevin Hill
    When Andre (Larenz Tate) got jumped on the bus for his kicks while attempting to visit BAE (Maia Campbell) on South Central
    The Fresh Prince “Why don’t he want me???” moment with Uncle Phil

    • Lisa Harris

      Aww man. I forgot all about Dudley….smh!

    • MzzPeaches

      “The Fresh Prince “Why don’t he want me???” moment with Uncle Phil”

      Man, Will had me and my Granny in tears w/ that episode!

    • Why he don’t want me Uncle Phil confirmed why they needed a more passive Aunt Viv…Dark Skinned Aunt Viv would’ve cussed dude out

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