Shitty Candies That Trump Voters Can And Should Claim Instead Of Skittles » VSB

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Shitty Candies That Trump Voters Can And Should Claim Instead Of Skittles

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Assuming that I haven’t yet woken up from what I was thoroughly convinced was a fever dream, we are less than 50 days away from Election Day 2016. Labor Day has come and gone, and we are facing a credible possibility that the next four years of the American executive branch will be led by the sentient chunk of peach fuzz by the name of Donald J. Trump.

At this point, there have been millions of words written about the Trump campaign, its supporters, Trump himself, and how it has made a collective mockery of the media cycle and general politics writ large, spurning the presumptive necessity of things such as accuracy, grasp of policy, and general human decency. We passed the “facts don’t matter” train several months ago, and we’re riding this scam all the way to November 8th. The Trump Foundation is a big gofundme hoax? Sure! Trump is stumping at Black churches with the anthromorphized toilet bowl of Fox News? Why not! Trump claiming he laid the birther scandal to rest, a narrative that was about as effective as Chris Christie’s lap band surgery? Have at it!

HOWEVER, I draw the line at candy. Confectionary sweets the likes of Skittles have no place in political propaganda — especially nonsensically constructed metaphors equating them to Syrian refugees.

Besides getting into the fact that Americans engage in culinary behavior that brings them closer to death every day, rendering the analogy moot (see: me with hot wings), Skittles are too decent of a candy to be co-opted by the Make America Great Again ilk of America. Not to say that they’re an exceptional candy, per se. They’re decent enough to be passable in small doses, but still overrated for its quality. Skittles are the Survivor’s Remorse of candies – mediocre, but still too good for Trump/Pence 2016.

That said, there are plenty of trash candies we can gladly trade for to retain the rights to the Skittle brands with the greater American public. If Trump’s fanbase insists on claiming a set of candies for their very own, I would suggest one of the following:

1.  Tootsie Rolls

They’re shaped like poo and the disgusting aftertaste never seems to go away, no matter how much water you drink. They’re also constantly in the candy dish of every annoying Black great-uncle who’s a secret Republican.

2. Candy Corn

Because Candy Corn is the devil and so is Trump’s hairstylist. It also shares qualities with Trump’s face with respect to its wax consistency. If you like Candy Corn you are guaranteed to not like nice things, like immigration rights or equal rights for women. Off to Trump you go.

3. Twizzlers

Does anyone under the age of 60 eat Twizzlers? I don’t know why gnawing on tart rope is a beloved pasttime of the denture-laden community, but that candy can get out of my Caucasian house and scam it’s way into theirs. YES RED VINES COUNT TOO. Licorice is nasty and I rebuke it. Debate your aunties that still think homosexuality is a lifestyle they have the right to disagree with, and send them along to the GOP with that trash ass candy.

4. Marshmallow Peeps

Peeps are God’s silent retribution for the centuries of pillaging that was done in the name of Christianity, I swear it. Every Easter until the end of time, scores of children are forced to endure the abominable tradition of eating multiple artificially flavored sponges shaped like bunnies, as if politely taking a bite of the deacon’s wife’s sweet potato pie after service isn’t enough. I believe that children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way…and then drop kick that affront to our collective tastebuds right into Trump Jr’s smug face.

Honorable mentions: Sweet Tarts , Smarties, whatever the hell these are.

Make the candy aisle great again — and don’t ever disrespect the high fructose corn syrup gods by comparing their treats to human beings.

Shamira Ibrahim

Shamira is a twentysomething New Yorker who likes all things Dipset. You can join her in waxing poetically about chicken, Cam'ron, and gentrification (gotta have some balance) under the influence of varying amounts of brown liquor at her semi-monthly blog, shamspam.tumblr.com

  • The Trump campaign is all chocolate covered roaches. No matter how disgusting, some people are just going to eat it up.

  • NomadaNare

    I hate Candy Corn by itself but love the idea of homemade butter fingers

    • cakes_and_pies

      Made these once. They were good.

  • God Shammgod

    All these people claiming to love candy corn. You might as well consume flavored dental dams.

    • Why is candy corn still in production????!!!

    • miss t-lee

      Basically.
      Worst candy ever. Might as well say you love those circus peanut thingies.

      • I’m glad you have great taste.

        • miss t-lee

          Anything less would be uncivilized.

      • Candy corn is like a Reliant K car. They don’t make them anymore but for some reason you keep seeing them from time to time.

        • miss t-lee

          I just let out the ugliest f*cking laugh.
          I ain’t thought about a K car in FOREVERRRRR.

          • They are still on the road. Haunting us.

            • miss t-lee

              Hard to kill.

        • Nik White

          Dude – I’m from Detroit and a K car hasn’t crossed my mind in years.

        • Epsilonicus

          I had a 1986 K car as my first car, in 2009

      • Asiyah

        If you like candy corn you hate life.

        • miss t-lee

          Agreed.

    • Other_guy13
  • 100% agree with all of these terrible candies. Honorable mention to anything with coconut in it as well.

    Trash.

    • Conrad Bess

      Ms. Ruby, I thought you was good people? How can you slander Bounty or the Dairy Milk bar with cashews and coconut like that? I’m about ready to find an old granny to rebuke you… https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4d6029e9e92b5f1310c8ab29079773019daf6bea9911c18506717396c8dcc367.gif

      • Your taste in candy is trash. End of story my man.

      • Nik White

        That’s just a waste of good cashews!

        • Conrad Bess

          Alls my life I had to fight. I will fight for the respect coconut deserve!

          • Nik White

            I’ll eat a couple of those Girl Scout cookies with coconut AND chocolate on em but dats it.

      • brothaskeeper

        Ima borrow this GIF, if’n you don’t mind ?

        • Conrad Bess

          Lol, I expect to see heavy dosages of this GIF from you!

    • Nik White

      I used to say that I was allergic to coconut when I was a kid.

      • Coconut is so gross. The texture is gross. The flavor is gross. It makes me want to throw up just thinking about it.

  • Adrienne_in_MTown

    Peeps. They can have all of them. Yellow and pink.

    • miss t-lee

      My late nephew loved them things.
      I never understood it. Blegh!

      • Adrienne_in_MTown

        It’s pure high fructose corn syrup. Straight diabetes.

        • miss t-lee

          Funny thing is I love marshmallows, but Peeps? TOO FAR.

          • Charles Johnson

            makes absolutely no sense, but i understand you though.

            • miss t-lee

              Just so you understand me, Charles. :)

    • Another trash snack.

  • Karine1976

    As a Canadian, I thank you for including Smarties on this list and I’m mad you did.
    I’m fighting you over Twizzlers though.

  • Detroit Skater

    i will not allow you to bad mouth tootsie rolls or sweet tarts…everything else however, is garbage and people who eat those candies can’t be trusted no more than trump can.

  • Sigma_Since 93
  • HouseOfBonnets
  • Natalie Chenault Dougall

    For funsies, you should read Skittles Facebook page. There are a lot of Trump supporters vowing to never eat them again because “Skittles got political” when they pointed out that Skittles are not, in fact, people.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      Further supporting the stupidity of that base tbh…

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