Shitty Candies That Trump Voters Can And Should Claim Instead Of Skittles » VSB

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Shitty Candies That Trump Voters Can And Should Claim Instead Of Skittles

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Assuming that I haven’t yet woken up from what I was thoroughly convinced was a fever dream, we are less than 50 days away from Election Day 2016. Labor Day has come and gone, and we are facing a credible possibility that the next four years of the American executive branch will be led by the sentient chunk of peach fuzz by the name of Donald J. Trump.

At this point, there have been millions of words written about the Trump campaign, its supporters, Trump himself, and how it has made a collective mockery of the media cycle and general politics writ large, spurning the presumptive necessity of things such as accuracy, grasp of policy, and general human decency. We passed the “facts don’t matter” train several months ago, and we’re riding this scam all the way to November 8th. The Trump Foundation is a big gofundme hoax? Sure! Trump is stumping at Black churches with the anthromorphized toilet bowl of Fox News? Why not! Trump claiming he laid the birther scandal to rest, a narrative that was about as effective as Chris Christie’s lap band surgery? Have at it!

HOWEVER, I draw the line at candy. Confectionary sweets the likes of Skittles have no place in political propaganda — especially nonsensically constructed metaphors equating them to Syrian refugees.

Besides getting into the fact that Americans engage in culinary behavior that brings them closer to death every day, rendering the analogy moot (see: me with hot wings), Skittles are too decent of a candy to be co-opted by the Make America Great Again ilk of America. Not to say that they’re an exceptional candy, per se. They’re decent enough to be passable in small doses, but still overrated for its quality. Skittles are the Survivor’s Remorse of candies – mediocre, but still too good for Trump/Pence 2016.

That said, there are plenty of trash candies we can gladly trade for to retain the rights to the Skittle brands with the greater American public. If Trump’s fanbase insists on claiming a set of candies for their very own, I would suggest one of the following:

1.  Tootsie Rolls

They’re shaped like poo and the disgusting aftertaste never seems to go away, no matter how much water you drink. They’re also constantly in the candy dish of every annoying Black great-uncle who’s a secret Republican.

2. Candy Corn

Because Candy Corn is the devil and so is Trump’s hairstylist. It also shares qualities with Trump’s face with respect to its wax consistency. If you like Candy Corn you are guaranteed to not like nice things, like immigration rights or equal rights for women. Off to Trump you go.

3. Twizzlers

Does anyone under the age of 60 eat Twizzlers? I don’t know why gnawing on tart rope is a beloved pasttime of the denture-laden community, but that candy can get out of my Caucasian house and scam it’s way into theirs. YES RED VINES COUNT TOO. Licorice is nasty and I rebuke it. Debate your aunties that still think homosexuality is a lifestyle they have the right to disagree with, and send them along to the GOP with that trash ass candy.

4. Marshmallow Peeps

Peeps are God’s silent retribution for the centuries of pillaging that was done in the name of Christianity, I swear it. Every Easter until the end of time, scores of children are forced to endure the abominable tradition of eating multiple artificially flavored sponges shaped like bunnies, as if politely taking a bite of the deacon’s wife’s sweet potato pie after service isn’t enough. I believe that children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way…and then drop kick that affront to our collective tastebuds right into Trump Jr’s smug face.

Honorable mentions: Sweet Tarts , Smarties, whatever the hell these are.

Make the candy aisle great again — and don’t ever disrespect the high fructose corn syrup gods by comparing their treats to human beings.

Shamira Ibrahim

Shamira is a twentysomething New Yorker who likes all things Dipset. You can join her in waxing poetically about chicken, Cam'ron, and gentrification (gotta have some balance) under the influence of varying amounts of brown liquor at her semi-monthly blog, shamspam.tumblr.com

  • Other_guy13

    Stopped reading after Candy Corn….they are beautiful tasty candies and I will not stand for such slander

  • Epsilonicus

    Tootsie rolls are delicious. Simply delicious!

    • Courtney Wheeler

      Agreed…don’t bring Tootsie rolls into this.. *cries*

    • Especially the flavored ones!!!??

      • Epsilonicus

        Yes!!! I love love love love those!!!

      • MissusMaxwell

        Yes ma’am! A bag of Frooties is just childhood happiness in artificially flavored & colored goodness!

        • KMN

          YES I loved Frooties…the little sandwich bag for like 25 or 50 cent…and a quarter bag of chips and 35 cent Faygo…ugh hood days and living lol

    • MissusMaxwell

      Yes they are and I hereby move they be removed from the list.

      • Epsilonicus

        I second that motion!

    • MsSula

      I agree. I am not much of a candy person, but I do like Tootsie Rolls. :)

  • LilMissSideEye

    I’ve no time for this Red Vines slander. Slander I say!

  • Why not Jelly beans? Everyone will agree to kick the black ones out?

    • Courtney Wheeler

      I’ll gladly eat the black licorice jelly beans you don’t want

      • Way to take it for the team.

      • Karine1976

        I’ll have them. I got tired of picking them out of the bowls so I learned to love them.

      • miss t-lee

        You’re like my sister. She used to eat all the black jellybeans we refused to eat when we were kids.

        • Courtney Wheeler

          My two sisters HATE black licorice anything so they save them for me..or my mom. I guess it’s an acquired taste?

          • miss t-lee

            It’s gotta be.

          • Nik White

            I’ll eat black jelly beans but not black licorice – go figure.

      • DG

        Dry heaves…

        • Courtney Wheeler

          Someone else’s “yuck” is someone else’s “yum” my man

          • DG

            Very true…but black jelly beans taste like disappointment, heartache and street tar in candy form. Why would you subject yourself to that, beloved?

      • Cleojonz

        We always saved them for my mom. She loves black licorice.

    • MissusMaxwell

      My mama will cut you smooth for that one. Every year she looks forward to her jelly bean/peanut mix. Gotta be the salty, greasy peanuts too.

    • Asiyah

      And they were Regan’s favorite!

  • HouseOfBonnets

    Alternative suggestions:

    Banana laffy taffys
    Chico stix
    Those little candies in the toy cell phones/beepers
    Candy cigarettes
    Those strawberry and butterscotch candies that your aunt Wanda loves to sneak you in church or keep in a butter cookie tin

    • I can’t wait to be an old man. Nothing but strawberry, butterscotch and Worther’s originals.

      • NomadaNare

        Worthers originals and butterscotch taste like hot shame on my tongue

      • KMN

        Worther’s are life…my daddy used to keep them around all the time…shoot i’ll still holla at a bag or three and have them in the house, car and work lmao

        • Nik White

          That and Swedish Fish are on my momma’s dresser right now!

          • KMN

            YES Swedish Fish are everything EVERYTHING lmao

      • Cleojonz

        Worther’s are actually super delicious. That wax abomination posted above posing as butterscotch though? Nah ah.

    • Wait. I’m not here for the
      banana laffy taffy
      Chico sticks

      slander.
      WONT. STAND. FOR. IT.

    • Courtney Wheeler

      These are all terrible and reminds me of my child hood and my face of un-satisfaction when I received these gross candies.

    • Charles Johnson

      YOU AIN’T NEVER LIED

    • Lex
      • Epsilonicus

        Gross

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Your big momma didn’t love you did she???

        • Lex

          At all!

      • miss t-lee

        My stomach is turning just from this photo.

      • Nik White

        Agreed! Yuk!

      • HouseOfBonnets

        Almost downvoted out of obligation.

      • kid video

        These are usually at the bottom of an older woman’s purse…with a dime stuck to it.

        • B-Dot Willz

          I’ll just eat the dime.lol

      • B-Dot Willz

        These tastet like the plastic they come in

    • Sigma_Since 93
      • Banana flavored anything tastes like stale vomit. Stop it.

      • HouseOfBonnets

        Who likes them? They are a disservice.

    • MissusMaxwell

      Chico stix?!! *gasp* No, no, no! That’s in the hood candy hall of fame!

      • HouseOfBonnets

        I mean if it helps I hate Ramen noodles and am considered a black rarity lol

    • Emmie

      No one can touch my chico stix!! whaaat!? they’re delicious….also those fake strawberry candies are my ish, it’s always the last one in the candy bowl and I gladly help myself

    • B-Dot Willz
    • Val

      Everything but Chico Stix. I love those.

    • FarbissinaPunim

      I looooove banana laffy taffy. #sorrynotsorry

  • Reemo

    I stopped eating Skittles when they replaced the lime with green apple. The rainbow does not taste good anymore.
    Also Twizzlers belong on this list. They are the most delicious sounding, actually terrible candy in existence.

    • UrbanNortheast

      YES. Why did they do that? Lime is my favorite flavor and apple is my least favorite. It’s like they did it to spite me.

    • Cleojonz

      I can’t understand why they did that. That green apple does NOT belong in there with those flavors.

    • Yes! Skittles betrayed me with that green apple mess. Thank god for lime flavoured swedish fish!

  • UrbanNortheast

    My grandmother’s candy dish had Tootsie Rolls and those strawberry candies, always. And peppermints.

    Candy corn and Peeps are delicious. Circus peanuts and Raisinettes are trash candy.

    • Maybe it was all those hours I spent eating peppermints at church but every time I see one I gots to have it.

      • UrbanNortheast

        Peppermints were my grandmother’s favorite because she always had sore throats, so they make me think of her. I have one whenever I see them, although I don’t buy them for myself. She would pass them to us in church too.

    • Now see, I was waiting for someone to mention Circus peanuts… you right.. they ain’t no good..

      • UrbanNortheast

        Garbage. One of my friends … Lord, don’t get her started on them. She takes them as a personal insult.

  • Brass Tacks

    Hmm.. These all still seem a bit too credible for this current iteration of the Republican party to co-op. So might I suggest a few other cavity generators as alternatives:

    -DOTS
    -Swedish Fish
    -Rasinets…

    You know, basic candies for an archaic people.

  • Darnell Lorraine

    You’re not gonna sit up there and associate those precious, delicious strawberry-lookin candies with Trump. They taste like childhood memories. You will NOT.

    Also, I will never understand why candy corn gets so much hate https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5d112e3712de969dc37955e767cdf0d1d547308d6e2ad4afcaf24361b780cdfe.gif . I wait all year for the stuff. Y’all can keep it up though. More for me!

  • B-Dot Willz

    Donald Trump is the SKOR of candy. Yeah there are people who like it and when you meet one you look at them as if they have a horn on their head and walk off muttering “but why??”

    https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/41/Candy-Skor-Wrapper-Small.jpg

    • HouseOfBonnets

      OHHHHHHHMYYYYGOOOOD the accuracy!!!

    • kid video

      I dig Skor…and Heath bars.

      Come at me bruh…pause.

      • Nik White

        Those are for refined tastes my good sir.

        • kid video

          I eat them while wearing white gloves and my most expensive monocle.

      • Brass Tacks

        Heath bars are awesome with ice cream only.

        Skor is Watchamacallits’ ugly friend.

        • KMN

          Or a DQ turtle explosion blizzard with extra pecans and caramel…get ya life lmao

        • miss t-lee

          Heath bars are awesome anytime.

        • Quirlygirly

          BT – I was gonna say something rude to you but I can’t cause that last line is hilarious

      • Quirlygirly

        KV- we are here ><

        These people just have bad taste buds

    • miss t-lee

      Ol wanna be azz heath bar.

    • BrownBearBear

      Skor: For when you need to remove a tooth but can’t afford the dentist.

      • B-Dot Willz

        That was my exact experience. I could have cleaned the tooth fairy out as a child if I had eaten 2 of them.

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