Shit Bougie Black People Love: 33. Drinking Room Temperature Water » VSB

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Shit Bougie Black People Love: 33. Drinking Room Temperature Water

If you happen upon a group of Bougie Black People in the wild — organizing Trap Kayaking trips or attempting to convince people they’ve “been on SZA since See.SZA.Run” — and you truly wanted to engage them in conversation, ask them about when they discovered that fruit juices and sodas were evil, and listen to them expound on how they haven’t had a Pepsi since 2007. Pay attention as they articulate the myriad ways processed sugars wreak havoc on your body, and try very, very, very hard not to say “You know mimosas include orange juice, right?” or “You do realize a shot of Honey Jack is like 300 calories?”

Since BBP cut juices and sodas out of their diets, it’s no surprise that they’ve developed an affinity for water. They drink nothing but it at restaurants, and if you happened to be at a Bougie Black Person’s home and you requested something to drink, your only available options would be water, wine, and whiskey. And, if you happened to choose water, the BBP will say “Sure!” and will ask you to choose a bottle from a pack sitting underneath a couch. Or perhaps they’ll disappear into the kitchen, and return with a glass filled with water that feels like it was heated up for tea like a day ago and never taken out of the pot.

Of course, since you’re used to glasses of water with ice in them and bottles of water not distilled from a sauna, you might be confused. Perhaps you’ll even wonder if your Bougie Black friend is experiencing some secret financial hardships and just can’t afford ice. But don’t be alarmed! They’ve just gone post-cold water, and naturally assumed you shared their affinity for lukewarm Aquafina.

There’s still no definitive explanation for why BBP prefer room temperature water. The best guess is that ice cold water reminds them of flaccid penises and Taylor Swift, but that’s still just a theory. For now, however, just accept their offers of 90 degree water on an 80 degree day as a kind gesture. And either drink it or use it to take a really quick bath.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • I like my water cool, not quite room temp. But, definitely not super cold.

    But, get you some essentia water. It’ll change your life. OOO and I love Perrier

    • YAAAASSS. I love my Essentia. I order it in cases from Amazon for the (low-ish).

      But I prefer cold water… I also live in a place where it’s like 95 in the shade right now.

    • MsSula

      Perrier for the win.

      • KMN

        I JUST tried their Strawberry OMG…it’s gotta be ice cold though lmao

        • MsSula

          Yup. When I go deep down into Keto life and still want to party. I sip my perrier in a champagne glass with a squirt of lemon juice. Nom Nom Nom

          • KMN

            I need to hit me up some keto soon…but that brioche bread be calling me girl lol

      • miss t-lee

        Blegh.

        • MsSula

          Miss t-lee you need to know what’s good for you. First, you turn down BM now it’s slender against perrier! Girl! LMAO

          • miss t-lee

            It’s gross. I just want reglah water.
            They had me try topo chico and I wanted to slap someone.

      • Mr. Mooggyy

        That and San Pellegrino works for me!

        • MsSula

          Sometimes I find San Pelle too salty.

        • that San Pellegrino, OMG – all the feels

      • Val

        Ever had Crystal Geyser? Good stuff.

        • MsSula

          Never had. I will look for it.

  • alioyee

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    mx player

  • Val

    And if you are really bougie, you drink your room temperature water from a copper cup.

  • cyanic

    Room temp is apparently the healthiest way to consume water. However, when it’s hot-hot room temp is nasty as frosted flakes in syrup.

    • UrbanNortheast

      Wait, different temperatures have different health benefits? For real?

      • miss t-lee

        So they say.
        I don’t believe it though.

        • UrbanNortheast

          I feel like hydrated is hydrated, right? Like if you’re drinking enough water so that you’re not thirsty, you’re probably fine no matter what temperature it is.

          • miss t-lee

            We’re >here<
            To keep it completely 100, we're lucky that we can be so particular about water…lol

      • cyanic

        Yup.

  • Junegirl627

    My black bougie bonafide is I was on SZA since seeSZArun AND I bought the willow smith 3 song album because of 9. Which is still in regular rotation on my itunes.

  • I drink room temp water and ask for water with no ice at restaurants because I’m cold natured – and it’s a dancer thing!
    I have enough sense to offer my guests ice! #Imstillbougiethough #Ievenhavetheshirts #sorrynotsorry

    • MsSula

      I get cold easily and my throat is really sensitive. And I like to dance. Lol. So yeah, room temp water for me.

    • JennyJazzhands

      You and me are here -><-

  • My wife’s entire family drinks lukewarm water and I can’t guarantee that it hasn’t affected our relationship.

  • Jennifer

    “, and if you happened to be at a Bougie Black Person’s home and you requested something to drink, your only available options would be water, wine, and whiskey.”

    Stay out of my kitchen, Damon!

  • Andrea Sease

    O.O omg this is me, but like three years ago, come on everyone knows that BBO have moved on to seltzer water, still with no ise

    • IPC

      I truly drink nothing but seltzer!

    • Jennifer

      “seltzer water, still with no ice”

      Yep. Plain seltzer or the ones with an essence of some mysterious fruit is what can be found in my purse most days.

    • I love me some seltzer. But I have IBS so there’s that.

    • UrbanNortheast

      My mom buys unflavored seltzer by the case! And she drinks it room temp. I drink the flavored kind sometimes (my supermarket brand has a blueberry lemonade flavor that is bomb) but she is SERIOUS about hers.

    • Me

      Seltzer is nasty, regardless of temperature. It’s great for morning sickness though, especially when your taste buds caught the pregnancy too.

    • Amazonian Midget

      I love seltzer water! Just plain seltzer water, thank you. With a lime garnish when I’m feeling fancy, or out to eat with the church folks that my husband needs to impress for his job.

      I think I’ve been in DC too long.

    • True! I even have one of those Soda Streams to turn my room temp water into fizzy seltzer water. Delish!

  • GayRobotsRUS

    Cold la croix, slightly cool water no ice (filtered, I’m not a heathen), wine, whiskey: these are the beverage options in my home. Ice in water is just irritating.

    • Jennifer

      What’s your La Croix flavor of choice? I’m fascinated by how quickly they have taken DC by storm.

      • GayRobotsRUS

        Pure or lime, but everyone here has one or two flavors and that’s it, won’t touch anything else. It’s so strange. What are you flavors?

        • Jennifer

          I’m about that Peach/Pear and that Pamplemousse (partly, because I just like saying pamplemousse).

      • miss t-lee

        I keep them stocked at work. Folks drink it like it’s going out of style. I cannot.

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