Shit Bougie Black People Love: 33. Drinking Room Temperature Water » VSB

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Shit Bougie Black People Love: 33. Drinking Room Temperature Water

If you happen upon a group of Bougie Black People in the wild — organizing Trap Kayaking trips or attempting to convince people they’ve “been on SZA since See.SZA.Run” — and you truly wanted to engage them in conversation, ask them about when they discovered that fruit juices and sodas were evil, and listen to them expound on how they haven’t had a Pepsi since 2007. Pay attention as they articulate the myriad ways processed sugars wreak havoc on your body, and try very, very, very hard not to say “You know mimosas include orange juice, right?” or “You do realize a shot of Honey Jack is like 300 calories?”

Since BBP cut juices and sodas out of their diets, it’s no surprise that they’ve developed an affinity for water. They drink nothing but it at restaurants, and if you happened to be at a Bougie Black Person’s home and you requested something to drink, your only available options would be water, wine, and whiskey. And, if you happened to choose water, the BBP will say “Sure!” and will ask you to choose a bottle from a pack sitting underneath a couch. Or perhaps they’ll disappear into the kitchen, and return with a glass filled with water that feels like it was heated up for tea like a day ago and never taken out of the pot.

Of course, since you’re used to glasses of water with ice in them and bottles of water not distilled from a sauna, you might be confused. Perhaps you’ll even wonder if your Bougie Black friend is experiencing some secret financial hardships and just can’t afford ice. But don’t be alarmed! They’ve just gone post-cold water, and naturally assumed you shared their affinity for lukewarm Aquafina.

There’s still no definitive explanation for why BBP prefer room temperature water. The best guess is that ice cold water reminds them of flaccid penises and Taylor Swift, but that’s still just a theory. For now, however, just accept their offers of 90 degree water on an 80 degree day as a kind gesture. And either drink it or use it to take a really quick bath.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • This sounds terrible. Room temp water? Who raised them?!

    • What’s the point of drinking warm water if you don’t have to do so.

      • miss t-lee

        Reminds me of drinking out the water hose in the backyard.
        Blegh.

        • I did that as a small child

          • Fond memories of doing that.

          • miss t-lee

            We did too. Every summer when we didn’t wanna go inside and be forced to do housework…lol

          • UrbanNortheast

            Me too, in summer when me and the other kids in the neighborhood got thirsty but didn’t want to go inside.

        • True. Even then I let it run until the water cools down.

          • miss t-lee

            Indeed.

          • mochazina

            was there another way? LOL

          • Cheech

            Or until mom or dad yelled about letting it run.

      • Please let me know when you find out.

      • miss t-lee

        Yeah, that’s some pure necessity type sh*t.

      • Leonard Washington

        how hot is y’all houses? room temperature don’t necessarily mean warm. lol

    • miss t-lee

      Wolves.

      • I feel like wolves live in northern climates and prefer the chilled water of streams and such.

        • miss t-lee

          Ha!

        • Bah Debo

          I distinctly remember seeing wolves at the El Paso zoo…they must have previously existed somewhere in that haute-as-hell region of North Amurrica

          • There’s a polar bear at the zoo in Columbia SC. I have no answers for you.

      • I better not ever have a friend hand me some hot a s s cup of tap water…

        • miss t-lee

          Not unless I’m gonna make some tea.

    • MsCee

      I like my water cold…but not with ice. Lol

      • I love cold water. I have to be on the brink of death to drink room temperature anything.

        • MsCee

          It’s weird because I like my water and food about the same temperature. Not too hot not too cold…Lukewarm, I guess.

    • MsSula

      I was raised by perfectly fine parents thank you very much. Lol. It’s just that I prefer my water at room temperature, or slightly warm. It’s just a preference.

      I drink cold sparkling water. But plain water is room temperature.

      As you were.

      • I am yet praying for you as well.

        • MsSula

          I will be praying for you as well dear Ruby. For you to discover the beauty of room temp water.

          • N E V E R

            • MsSula

              Come over to the nice (no-ice) side. Loll.

    • Jennifer

      I must be rebelling against my mother. She only drinks ice water and she chills red wine. SMH

      • Chilled red wine? That’s a hate crime.

        • Jennifer

          I love my mother despite her faults.

        • Cheech

          A friend of mine, when he was first getting into wine, bought a bottle of Bordeaux he couldn’t really afford beause he wanted to impress a particular professor who he knew was going to be at a particular party.

          He wanted to let the wine breathe so it would be perfect, so he got to the party early, opened the bottle, and hid it behind the coffee maker in the host’s kitchen. (He was a noob, so didn’t know how ineffective that was, or anything about decanters.)

          As the party was in full swing, he ducked into the kitchen to check on his wine. He found a drop dead beautiful young woman with the bottle in her hand — she had just emptied half of it into a stadium cup. With ice.

          And that is how he met his wife.

          • MsSula

            I absolutely love this story!!!

            • Cheech

              They were my upstairs wine/scotch/cigar neighbors in grad school. Really nice people.

          • Hahahaha. It’s only because he was a wine neophyte when he met her. I think I may have started a very loud argument if I were in his shoes.

            • Cheech

              You probably would have stopped when you saw her. Beautiful women get away with a lot.

          • Wine and ice? I probably would have had to walk away to prevent myself from strangling her.

          • Mary Burrell

            That’s hilarious

    • Every now and again I crave, CRAVE, ice cold water. But normally drink it room temp or slightly warm. I always have case in my trunk and will drink it no matter the weather.

      Well, I live in MN so sometimes it is frozen. And of course now it’s only been 65-70ish degrees so the trunk doesn’t get TOO hot…

    • D-Nice

      I’m convinced this isn’t actually a SBBPL thing. I’m sure some bougie blacks may drink room temp water, but is it really an identifiable trend? Obviously, not ALL bougie black folk are going to do any of the things in this column, but I’ve never, ever heard this talked about or joked about as an aspect of bougie black life until today; a lot of the other things I have. Maybe I don’t know bougie blacks like I thought I did.

  • *In Gilbert Dauterive’s voice
    I, myself prefer a tall glass of cool ice water when I’m feeling parched. I honestly didn’t know this was a thing, Champ. I learn more about bougie ninjas through you than actually talking to bougie, ninjas.

    flaccid pe*nises and Taylor Swift <—- the connections between these two things are numerous and self explanatory.

    • miss t-lee

      ” I learn more about bougie ninjas through you than actually talking to bougie, ninjas.”

      Also.

      • ~*V. von Schweetz*~

        Same

    • Tiebaby

      I don’t know you, but I love you for throwing out that KOTH reference.

  • miss t-lee

    I only drink ice water. Like fill the cup up completely and then pour ice over, ice water.
    Room temp? Ewwwww.

  • KMN

    Aquafina is such trash water…ugh

    • I only drink Essential and LFE water now, so good!!

      • KMN

        I need to check those out…I’m usually a Fiji, Evian or Dasani drinker..do those have electrolytes in them?

        • You drink Dasani? Of your own free will?

          • KMN

            ROFL yes…it’s better than Aquafina…and it depends on where I’m at…Dollar Tree and need a cold water…Dasani…walgreens Fiji or Evian…or LaCroix if I want something ‘sweet’

            • I will pray for you…..

              Dasani tastes terrible

              • B-Dot Willz

                It tastes like regret in liquid form

            • miss t-lee

              How do y’all drink LaCroix? All I taste is salt. Yick.

          • miss t-lee

            The water out of my faucet tastes better than Dasani…and that ain’t saying much.

            • G I R L!!!!

            • Mr. Mooggyy

              You can clean a car battery post with Dasani water!

              • miss t-lee

                I believe it. It is made by the Coca Coca company after all…lol

              • KMN

                ROFL stop it

              • LMFAO.

            • KMN

              ROFL I don’t have issue with Dasani…But I’ve had 80% of my tummy taken out which altered my taste buds as well so yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah lmao

              • miss t-lee

                LOL!

        • But these water brands I named have lower pH values

          • KMN

            thank you…I wasn’t sure…I never heard of them and they sound like they have something ‘special’ in them or about them lol

            • Yeah, my friend put me on a few months back. I get the Essential brand from Publix grocery store. You can find LFE water everywhere.

              • KMN

                huh..thank you :)…I’m gonna look for that

    • miss t-lee

      It’s not as bad as Desani.

      However, Ozarka or nathan.

      • KMN

        OMG I haven’t heard Ozarka in a MIN…I need to go back home lol

      • you like Ozarka… It tastes weird to me!!

        • miss t-lee

          LOVE Ozarka. Gotta be the spring…that “drinking” water is terrible.

        • JennyJazzhands

          Ozarka tastes like spit to me. Water shouldn’t have an aftertaste.

      • Emily Harris

        Dasani tastes slimy to me. It’s gross.

        • miss t-lee

          It is gross.

    • KeciB

      It’s so gross!

      • KMN

        it’s so metallic tasting ugh

  • InstaRaeN

    Tepid water is the way to go.

  • Francesca Kasper

    They could have sensitive teeth lol

  • GLAMCAM

    Yo, this is me. I keep water by my bed and will drink it at whatever temp it is. So refreshing. LOL

  • MsCee

    The fact that I legit haven’t drank soda in years though. I’m over here cracking up! You don’t know my life Daymoan.

  • LOL Hilarious

    I like room temp water but only after my ice melts LOL

    I guess I’m like 47.3% bougie

    • well i like expensive water (essentia), but it’s gotta be cold. so i’m like 66%?

      • oh at least…..you might be in the mid 70s…….74.6 rounded up to 75 lol

        • HAHAHA!

          • and that water is expensive as hell….sheesh! LOL

            i need to try it now….So I can feel above these meek peons of life

            • i only buy it from amazon. it really is the most reasonable price i have found.
              i used to like smart water, but it’s hard to find in 1L+ bottles i like.

              • Duly noted

                to Amazon Prime I go….

  • Ess da 5’6″

    Funny enough, I started drinking room temperature water because of former (former former–it was, like, three jobs ago) colleague who was from Karachi. I was teaching at the time, and working summer camp (because broke). Since she couldn’t leave the classroom, she asked me to bring her water on my way back from the kitchen. And she asked that I fill her cup about half cold water and half hot water from the Dear Park fountain in the kitchen.

    It took me a bit, but then I started doing the same. Now, I can’t drink ice cold water. My Brita stays on the counter in the kitchen, and I will offer to put ice cubes in drinks for my guests. I’m not a savage.

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