Shit Bougie Black People Love: 31. Unnecessary Hashtags » VSB

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Shit Bougie Black People Love: 31. Unnecessary Hashtags

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Bougie Black People are always doing things. In college, while the rest of their classmates were doing things like “listening to Sisqo” and “fucking on twin beds,” Bougie Black People spent the bulk of their time “writing spoken word poetry they’d never perform” and “vacillating between ‘hating White people’ and ‘dating White people.

As they transitioned into adulthood, they continued doing things, often for the sake of just having a thing to do. This is a phenomenon commonly referred to as “doing the most.” They don’t just juice for a month. They juice every 4th meal for the first three weeks of June. They take 17-person selfies while on elevated train platforms. They make vacation plans for the summer of 2019. They found unnecessary non-profits just so they can make additions to their Linkedin profiles. They have twerk contests at couscous recipe parties. They spend more time editing Facebook statuses 17 people will read than they spent actually doing the thing they’re writing the status about. They eat Ethiopian food. And (voluntarily) listen to Travis Scott.

Of course, Bougie Black People want you to know they’re doing the most. But they don’t want to tell you they’re doing the most, because that would be rude. And the only thing worse than being rude is being a Kappa.

Fortunately, social media has provided them a loophole; a quasi witty way to signal that they’re doing the most without actually articulating it: The unnecessary hashtag. Now, instead of just being at brunch, they can remind everyone that they’re #blessed and that they #waitedtoolongintheomeletline but #theomeletwasstillrightthough and that #theguyatthewafflestationlooksjustlikedamianlillard. Instead of just being in an Uber with friends, they’re letting everyone know that they’re #ridingtothegapwithmywoes and #cantwaitforthefoodcourt because #chickfilassugarfreelemonadeisfire and #itsevenbetterwithnoicecubes but #youstillmightneedtheicecubestobalanceoutthesweetness.

Even doing literally nothing, like sitting at home on a Monday night, becomes an opportunity to inform that they’re doing something, because it’s #takecareofmemondays and #youneedsomealonetimesometime and the #sharktankmarathonisoncnbc.

The run-on-sentence-on-a-meth-bender nature of the Bougie Black Person’s hashtag does not come without negatives. It can be especially difficult for a demographic who spent entire summers in libraries diagramming the sentences in Seventeen Magazine to condition themselves to publish such poor grammar. But they’ve made peace with that dilemma. Because there’s no point in doing the most unless it is chronicled in some way.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Quirlygirly

    I have a friend who hashtags everything. It drives me nuts. Half the time I trying to figure out what she trying to say. Just write it properly with out the hashtag and with spaces, I aint got all day to sound out words and to know what you trying to say..

    • PDL – Cape Girl

      Cackles!!!

      Edit: #forthenextfewpostsimdoinghashtags

    • Eva_baby

      “I aint got all day to sound out words”

      OMG. This is truth. Even reading this post I had to go back to third grade and read out loud.

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      For real. This is right up there with subliminal posts for me. I’m like half way to blockin’ your feed girlfriend….stop with those hashtag subliminals.

  • LongtimeLurker

    Thank goodness for hashtags, because without them, I could never turn my “nothings” into “somethings”, LOL

    #tagforwhat #becauseIcan #nevertoolatefor brunch #tagoritdidnthappen #likefetch

    • Lakyn

      #hashtagsonfleek #fleek #fleekingtonpost

      • LongtimeLurker

        #yasssbooyasss

  • Kat

    I have a few of these folks on my timeline…I didn’t know they were bougie though. More along the lines of simple. Hmmmmm I guess bougie is simple. #thatlemonaidethough

  • Tonja (aka Cheeks)

    I #pacifically (this totes works on an extra level since I’m on the Pacific coast now. #levels) get ignant with my IG hashtags in direct proportion to the folks who hashtag everything non-ironically.

    • Aly

      Your hashtags are very clever.

      • Tonja (aka Cheeks)

        Aw, thanks, Aly! <3 #honored #thankingtheacademy #butthankinggodfirst #ashe

  • LadyIbaka

    Don’t these hashtags be needing some form of reply. I stumbled across two women hash tagging their lives away with no response. What’s the need? Gimme a LOL or something.

    Pinks and or Agatha, any rachet hashtags y’all can put us on to?

    • Lea Thrace

      “Pinks and or Agatha, any rachet hashtags y’all can put us on to?”

      I love that they are your chosen curators of ratchet. So incredibly appropos

      • LadyIbaka

        Who else but them.

  • Brandon Allen

    I’m not entirely sure this is a bougie thing… still pontificating the exact demo.

    • Aly

      I don’t think it’s a bougie thing, either. Everyone does it.

    • Damon Young

      like the rest of the list, this isn’t something bbp like/do exclusively. just something bbp seem to like/do more than other people.

      • LadyIbaka

        I read bbp, as something else.

        • Junegirl627

          Big Black P E N I S?

          • LadyIbaka

            Yap.

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              Hmmmm………

              *keeps it to myself*

              • LadyIbaka

                Spit it out. Ibaka is single, no?

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  He might be. But are you prepared to fight Shamira to the death for him?

            • Quirlygirly

              HOLLERS!! I went back and re read with with those words..You are killing me today!!

              • Junegirl627

                i did too!!!!! BWWAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

            • L8Comer

              Bahahahahah!!!!!!

          • RewindingtonMaximus
        • Damon Young

          get a room. with yourself.

          • LadyIbaka

            Brass, where you at boo?

            • Brass Tacks

              #Heyboo

              • LadyIbaka

                ?!

  • TheOtherJerome

    Huge LOL! Stop man!!! Quit hatin! just cuz #youaintboutthatlife don’t give you a pass to #playahate. My #hashtaggameonfleek though.

    Question:

    What to you get when you mix the #hashtag person with “Inspirational Gif forwarder” AND sprinkle in a little “unnecessarily-ghetto-shirtless-marijuana/ illegal-weapon-picture-taking cousin”?

    Answer: Kanye West

    Thank you folks! I’ll be here all week. And don’t forget to tip the bartender!

  • When I first got on twitter I used to hashtag every noun. Then i figured out how to use them. Then I decided they were self serving and stupid. Then I stopped using them unless I was throwing gauntlets during Meet The Press because #MTP is easier to type.

  • Lakyn

    This is the first time I feel legitimately called out by one of these articles. #hurtandappalled #lightskinnedemotions #nothingwasthesame

    • Lea Thrace

      maam! lol

    • Quirlygirly

      LOL!! This was clever and the hashtags was not long.

    • Asiyah

      #fckafakefriend #whereyarealfriendsat

  • #iLikeToUseBigLetters

    • Aly

      It does make it easier to read.

    • Lol@using big letters to make it easier to read.

      • Quirlygirly

        It does cause know I know where the word begins and ends. That is my problem I don’t know what you saying because I am looking at like- did she just just misspell a few words?

    • AnswerMe

      Exactly what I do.

    • cakes_and_pies

      You gotta capitalize the first letter of the word or all I see is #abcdefghijklmnop

      • Lol

      • Gibbous

        It certainly helps.

      • LadyIbaka

        Lol

      • “i” is the exception…. maybe… I think…. because #IThinkThereforeIAm looks kinda off….. to me #shrugs

        • cakes_and_pies

          Yeah, capital Is look like partitions.

          • DBoySlim

            LOL I couldn’t help but think of Beyonce.

    • Quirlygirly

      You got the key!!

    • Detroit Skater

      #iDoToo #EasierToRead

    • Bonus points for the lower-case “i” at the beginning.

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      #I’mHereForTheCapitalizingEachWordThing

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