Shit Bougie Black People Love: 31. Unnecessary Hashtags » VSB

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Shit Bougie Black People Love: 31. Unnecessary Hashtags

Bougie Black People are always doing things. In college, while the rest of their classmates were doing things like “listening to Sisqo” and “fucking on twin beds,” Bougie Black People spent the bulk of their time “writing spoken word poetry they’d never perform” and “vacillating between ‘hating White people’ and ‘dating White people.

As they transitioned into adulthood, they continued doing things, often for the sake of just having a thing to do. This is a phenomenon commonly referred to as “doing the most.” They don’t just juice for a month. They juice every 4th meal for the first three weeks of June. They take 17-person selfies while on elevated train platforms. They make vacation plans for the summer of 2019. They found unnecessary non-profits just so they can make additions to their Linkedin profiles. They have twerk contests at couscous recipe parties. They spend more time editing Facebook statuses 17 people will read than they spent actually doing the thing they’re writing the status about. They eat Ethiopian food. And (voluntarily) listen to Travis Scott.

Of course, Bougie Black People want you to know they’re doing the most. But they don’t want to tell you they’re doing the most, because that would be rude. And the only thing worse than being rude is being a Kappa.

Fortunately, social media has provided them a loophole; a quasi witty way to signal that they’re doing the most without actually articulating it: The unnecessary hashtag. Now, instead of just being at brunch, they can remind everyone that they’re #blessed and that they #waitedtoolongintheomeletline but #theomeletwasstillrightthough and that #theguyatthewafflestationlooksjustlikedamianlillard. Instead of just being in an Uber with friends, they’re letting everyone know that they’re #ridingtothegapwithmywoes and #cantwaitforthefoodcourt because #chickfilassugarfreelemonadeisfire and #itsevenbetterwithnoicecubes but #youstillmightneedtheicecubestobalanceoutthesweetness.

Even doing literally nothing, like sitting at home on a Monday night, becomes an opportunity to inform that they’re doing something, because it’s #takecareofmemondays and #youneedsomealonetimesometime and the #sharktankmarathonisoncnbc.

The run-on-sentence-on-a-meth-bender nature of the Bougie Black Person’s hashtag does not come without negatives. It can be especially difficult for a demographic who spent entire summers in libraries diagramming the sentences in Seventeen Magazine to condition themselves to publish such poor grammar. But they’ve made peace with that dilemma. Because there’s no point in doing the most unless it is chronicled in some way.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • miss t-lee

    Have you seen the hashtag stories The Game leaves under his thirst traps?

    Don’t answer that.
    *snickering*

    • Kat

      I’ve seen them and his fake toy. He needs love and a cup of oodles of noodles.

      • LadyIbaka

        His dyk is fake?!?!?

      • miss t-lee

        I don’t think it’s fake. Looks like legit beef to me.
        Anyway…I appreciate it.
        Random story: we showed my auntie these pics at Thanksgiving just to get her reaction.

        • LadyIbaka

          Game minus the tattoo and the inverse teeth is bae. He baeiiiish, right now.

          • miss t-lee

            I ain’t even looked above the shoulders…lol

            • LadyIbaka

              He is thuggish cute.

            • Quirlygirly

              Bwhahaha-Are you calling his a buttaface?

              • miss t-lee

                I mean…

          • PaddyfotePrincess

            “Inverse teeth”

            Your comments keep me laughing.

        • Aly

          My mom was the one who sent them to me! She really enjoyed them lol.

          • miss t-lee

            My auntie was hype. We showed her Ibaka’s sweatpants pic and she screamed.
            Good times.

            • LadyIbaka

              Mmmmmmmmmmh. Ibaka’s ? had me at #howyoudoin

        • Kat

          And….you can’t leave me hanging. What Aunty say?

          And why he always holding it in a pair of lycra shorts, ain’t the material holding it? This leads to my fake thought process. And trust you me…I’ve seen real and fake.

          • miss t-lee

            hahahha. You got me re-thinking now.

            Anyway, my auntie ended up disclosing that she’d never seen one that big. Which lead to us all feeling real uncomfy because her and my uncle been married a whole long time.
            Trust me, some things you just don’t need to know about your family…lol

            • Quirlygirly

              I laughed but it was an uncomfortable one cause you aunt done told you something about your uncle you didn’t want to know. She kept it all the way real.

            • Junegirl627

              LOL!!!!!!

            • Lea Thrace

              #ChrissyTeigenface,gif

              • miss t-lee

                Totally.

            • Brass Tacks

              #wompwomp

              • miss t-lee

                Yup.

            • LadyIbaka

              *screams*!!!

              • miss t-lee

                It was bad, bad biz.

    • Glo

      I’m not gonna lie, his Valentine’s Day post cracked me up.

      • miss t-lee

        Them red draws…lol

    • Junegirl627

      The Game writes something in his thirst trap pics? I don’t even look for that dudes FACE in dem pics!!!

      • miss t-lee

        LMFAO

        • Junegirl627

          no lie I couldn’t pick the game out of a lineup if his pants is on.

          • miss t-lee

            hahahahah. The big hideous face tatts would help.

      • PaddyfotePrincess

        He writes no less than 137 hashtags per pic.

        • Junegirl627

          yeah but is the peen real?

          • miss t-lee

            Y’all really think he out here dyckfishing?

            • Quirlygirly

              WTHayle is dyckfishing?

              • miss t-lee

                Catfishing, but with someone else’s thang-thang.

                • Quirlygirly

                  *mutley laugh- Yall are killing me today..

                • Mochasister

                  Omg, Jesus please take me now.

            • Lea Thrace

              dyckfishing maam?!

              I am done. That’s a thing?

              I cant

              • miss t-lee

                I’ve heard of kats doing that.
                I mean…that takes lying on your dyck to a whole nother level…lol

                • PaddyfotePrincess

                  Smh #HighestLevelOfTomfoolery

                  • miss t-lee

                    #BoyBye

                    • PaddyfotePrincess

                      #MagnumsAintForEverybody
                      #ItsOk
                      #BeYou

                    • miss t-lee

                      #WhereIsThumbkin
                      #HereIAm

                    • AnswerMe

                      Dead.

                    • PaddyfotePrincess

                      *Hollers* Why Teesh? Why?

                    • miss t-lee

                      I’m not a nice person…lol

                    • Aly

                      Hahaha!

                    • Mochasister

                      You wrong for that!

            • Junegirl627

              I kinda think so because the Printing of the dyck is so exact.

              • miss t-lee

                IDK–I’ve ran across a perfect one a time or two.

            • LadyIbaka

              somebody would have called him out already. God sho does gift unequally.

              • Brass Tacks

                This made me laugh #HARD

              • miss t-lee

                Hmmmm.

            • Nature

              I AM DONE! Dyckfishing!!!!! Fix it Jesus. Mend it Messiah. Help us Holy Ghost.

            • Lmaoo!

          • Aly

            I think it’s real!

          • PaddyfotePrincess

            Hmmmm. Good question. Let me review the pics for…research purposes.

            • Quirlygirly

              And as your research assistant, I need to document the process…

              • Junegirl627

                Hey can I be some kind of clerk so I can stand around and watch…. I mean wait and see if you need help researching? #Jussayin

                • Quirlygirly

                  of course!!

            • Junegirl627

              of course!

        • I just went to his Ig, i think it is like 137,000.

          #YouDeserveARoseForEveryHairYouShavedOffThatVajajay

          What if you waxed? Now I’m depressed over Valentine’s day. #IMeanYouGottaPussyDontYou
          :

          • Game must be the Most BBP EVER.

            #HappyValentinesDaySpecial #DidYouWakeUpToRoses #HowManyCauseOneDozenAintEnough #YouDeserveARoseForEveryHairYouShavedOffThatVajajay #ChocolatesAintGoneCutItThisYear #YouDeserveAChanelBag #IMeanYouGottaPussyDontYou #YouBeenLettinThatNiggaLickYouSinceLastValentines #HeOweYou #YouBeenLettinHimInsideThatWarmSummersDayLovePouchHaventYou #NiggasCryOverPussy #DieOverPussy #ItsWorthMoreThanAnythingOnTheEarth #SoAintNoWayEveryWomanInTheWorldShouldntBeLickedFromFrontToBikeToday #WhyCantYouFlossOnTheGramOneTime #DontLetYoGirlsPostFlyShitWhileYouPostingQuotesBihh #MakeYoNiggaGiveYouWhatYouDeserve #WhatIsThatYouAsk #YouDeserveRosesABagSomeShoesAndYoPussyAteWhileLovesJonesPlaysOnTheTVinTheBackground #MakesTheseNiggasPay #GodGaveYouThePower #NowOpenYaLegsAndCloseEmRealQuick #Yea #ShowEmHowASunnyDayCanTurnIntoAStormWitDatPussy #ItsYoDay #DropsMic

            • Lea Thrace

              Is this for real?

                • Lea Thrace

                  i hate life

                • Junegirl627

                  THIS IS NOTSFW!!!!!!

                  • oops

                    • Junegirl627

                      Thats ok i’ll look at it while walking to they train, ;)

                  • miss t-lee

                    Andie tryna get us all called to HR

                    • Junegirl627

                      Lol

                • PDL – Cape Girl

                  #selfieinbathroomiswhattheddielongwoulddo
                  #orangetightpantsprollynotinterestedinchickssonotcute
                  #sumthinaintright

                  #ruuuuuuuuuuns

                • Game tryna intellectualize the eggplant and it is really unnecessary #DontUseYourWords

                  • Quirlygirly

                    #NoWordsNeeded

                • Siante

                  #isitmeoristhispicphotoshopped?

                  • LadyIbaka

                    the curvature, says no.

                    • Siante

                      I’m not even looking at his eggplant (cuz #50shadesofnothankyou) it looks like the sides of his stomach have been photoshopped, cropped, e-trimmed? I dunno, lemme go somewhere & stop knocking his hustle.

              • Junegirl627

                yes it is but I just found out that there are words attached to the pics so I can’t talk.

              • miss t-lee

                Yes. That was the valentine’s day post…lol

            • …Oh my gah lol.

            • Cleojonz

              Who got time to read all that? If I see too many hastags I zone out. Next post please!

            • Agatha Guilluame

              #DontLetYoGirlsPostFlyShitWhileYouPostingQuotesBihh

              this one tho…lol

              • miss t-lee

                Probably the best one…lol

            • Siante

              this is kinda extra stupid lol

            • Hi ig is way nicer than I would have guessed. I love the hotels. #HeNeedsToHashtagTheHotelNames I really <3 hotels.

          • PaddyfotePrincess

            Lol. It’s so extra.

      • Eva_baby

        Wait… he has a face?

      • GLAMCAM

        My friend-girl sent me his thirst trap picture and lawd…. I gotta start following him. Don’t judge me.

        • miss t-lee

          Girl don’t be ashamed, I’ll follow him for the same reason.

        • LadyIbaka

          Soooo judged!

    • Tonja (aka Cheeks)

      They are GEMS

      • miss t-lee

        GEMS.

    • IsitFridayyet?

      ( ._.)

      I may have even entertained the idea of him writing a book.

      *leaves to go find a life*

      • miss t-lee

        What kinda book?

        • IsitFridayyet?

          Something for Zane’s publishing company.

          • LadyIbaka

            No, not Zane.

          • miss t-lee

            Hmmmm. That could be interesting.

    • Nature

      Hey. Don’t judge me. I love #FineNiggaFriday, as a writer of erotica I find his hashtags to be…inspiring. ;)

      • miss t-lee

        Werk.

  • -h.h.h.-

    #CoolStoryBruh

  • #readingVSBattheworkplace

  • KNeale

    Not being able to make clever hashtags has been the bane of my existence.

    • Quirlygirly

      Apparently, it does not have to be clever just think of something slap a hashtag in front and voila!

    • The Immortal

      #notabletomakecleverhashtag #baneofmyexistence #thereyougo

  • Jocelyn

    “They have twerk contests at couscous recipe parties.” That nearly killed me.

  • Courtney Wheeler

    I hate when my friends uses a hashtag within a conversation..For example.

    Me: We still on for Tacqueria after work?

    Friend: Yes I am..I definitely need a margarita.. #TURNDOWNFORWHAT.

    • Quirlygirly

      Wait- is this a spoken converation or a text/written one?

      • Courtney Wheeler

        Mostly E-mail/ G-chat…

        • Quirlygirly

          Oh cause I though she was saying “Hashtag” and then the phase. That would be awkward as hayle..

          • Hashtag what’s wrong with hastagging your thoughts out loud?

            • Quirlygirly

              BOL!!

              Isn’t that what speaking is- saying your thoughts aloud?

              • lol I just feel like as silly as communication has gotten these days it’s cool to have a little fun with it from time to time #ormaybeijustirrationallylovehashtags

                • Quirlygirly

                  I tots understand but I just become undone when the hashtags are long and I can’t figure out what is being said. It is like an inside joke and I want to know what is being said so I can laugh to..*makes sad face

                  • Yeah. Like all things, there is an art to it.

            • miss t-lee

              You had to ask? LOL

              • lol Hashtag accept me and my eccentricities

                • miss t-lee

                  #no

          • Courtney Wheeler

            I just want people to talk to me..in straight sentences..that’s not too much to ask. haha

          • cakes_and_pies

            I have a friend that does this. She speaks and writes in abbreviations and says Hashtag before the runs through the rest of the words with no pause between them. Drives me crazy.

      • When people speak the word “hashtag” out loud it makes my skin crawl.

        • Quirlygirly

          But why Sway, Why would you say that aloud. Just speak! What is going on with communication. You can speak more than 140 characters in real life. It is not a crime

        • Brandon Allen

          It’s still pound in my heart.

        • Jennifer

          Guilty, but only among friends just as corny as me.

      • Kat

        Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

        • Quirlygirly

          No not really but I just think it is crazy to verbally say Hashtag before speaking your thoughts

          • Kat

            I’ve overheard a few but it just leads to confusion in any form. Texting I’m like what part am I supposed to respond to. And they wonder why there is silence. But I’m posting on FB…lol

      • LongtimeLurker

        Confession: Sometimes I hashtag out loud, but mostly only if a friend does it first, plus it accentuates my sarcasm. Real friends let friends hashtag when and how they want! LOL

    • Tonja (aka Cheeks)

      I definitely say “hashtag blessed” in person. In fact, I’ve stopped hashtagging “blessed” in text and just say “hashtag blessed.” Because I’m a goof.

  • PDL – Cape Girl

    “Now, instead of just being at brunch, they can remind everyone that they’re #blessed and that they #waitedtoolongintheomeletline but #theomeletwasstillrightthough and that #theguyatthewafflestationlooksjustlikedamianlillard.”

    This has me laughing sooo hard that my sound has come out like Precious,the dog from that cartoon with the old lady as the owner. Remembr how he laughed? I didn’t even finish reading. I just laughed again….Lawd!

    • Quirlygirly

      LOL! I call that the Mutley from Laff Olypics laugh. I do it all the time

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        Mutley, that’s it/him!!! LOL Usually I sound like Horseshack if laughing hard, but that lil piece caught me off guard and took me some place special….LOL Probably because it is so true. Folks hashtag overkill.

  • Lauron Thomas

    this is my mom. I want to send this to her but she hates the “f” word and would just reply #wwwoooooooallthemcusswords #andthatsabigoljuicyonetoo #andnoiwontstophashtagging #hateonmehater and then I’ll break my iphone when I chunk it out the metro window on my commute home.

    • Jennifer

      #loveyourmom

  • I feel like I am nouveau bougie as I loved listening to Sisqo and f u c kin on twin beds, but I would hashtag everything including work emails if I could #tldryouremail #butIreadapostonVSB #whogoncheckmeboo

  • Lea Thrace

    #here for the kappa shade

    did I hashtag wrong? I feel like i hashtagged wrong.

    • Damon Young

      you did

      • Brass Tacks

        #Kappasarepeopletoo

        • AlwaysCC

          #false #kappasdontmatter

          • Brass Tacks

            #Damb #Whohurtyouboo?

          • Epsilonicus

            #AllKappasMatter

        • JennyJazzhands

          #obnoxiouspeoplethough
          #butstillpeopleiguess

    • DBoySlim

      That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

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