Shit Bougie Black People Love: 28. Full Beards » VSB

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Shit Bougie Black People Love: 28. Full Beards

Everyone knows that if you were to happen to encounter a random pack of Bougie Black People in the wild — perhaps at a gallery crawl or a Delta Sigma Theta potluck — and you wanted to make a good first impression, the best way of doing so would be to find a woman (any woman, literally) and ask her about her natural hair journey. Maybe she’ll regale you with tales of what inspired her to make the big chop. Or perhaps she’ll weave through a yarn about the look her White manager gave her the first time she went to work after the big chop. And maybe she’ll weave through a yarn about the look her great aunt gave her the first time she went “back home” after the big chop. Either way, she’ll be happy to talk to you, and she might even let you touch her copy of Americanah.

What’s not as widely known is that asking literally any woman or literally any man in that pack for their feelings about beards would produce the same wide-eyed mirth and glee. Bougie Black Girls swoon at just the thought of impeccably bearded Black men with degrees and apartments with updated appliances, while Bougie Black Guys — well, the Bougie Black Guys actually able to grow full beards — will happily volunteer the make and model of the clippers they keep in their dashboards and attaches.

It hasn’t always been this way. Even as soon as a decade ago, the only people BBP praised for their beards were Black Thought and Jesus. Since then, the beard has undergone a renaissance, as guys left out of the natural hair fun Bougie Black Girls were having decided to have some hairfun of their own.

But while the beard has some obvious aesthetic value, it also serves a practical purpose for the Bougie Black Person. Aside from driving a Tahoe or dating someone from Detroit, there aren’t many ways for the Bougie Black Guy who happens to be navigating corporate America to make his Blackness distinguishable. But nothing says “Hey, you. I’m authentically Black” louder than a Black man with a full beard, and nothing says “Hey, you. I’m authentically Black…and I have a W-2” louder than a Black man with a full beard that’s not full enough to scare White co-workers but is full enough to convincingly head nod to Kendrick Lamar.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Yellow Tail

    A few thoughts…

    1) It’s 2015 Champ…why does the man have cornrows?
    2) My father has always told me never trust a black man without a mustache/facial hair…this advice has never failed me.
    3) Can we talk about the poop particles in dude’s beards? I think it’s more of a “cultural” thing if you get what I’m saying but yeah…poop, smh.

    • 3. These “dirty beard” studies were all conducted by dudes who can’t grow beards as the first step in a multi-layered anti beard propaganda campaign.

      • miss t-lee

        Yeah. It’s a smear campaign, by the folks who can’t get their ish to connect.
        I’m convinced.

        • Anthony Hamilton bee dee bee beard having a**es.

          • miss t-lee

            “bee dee bee” has me *cackling*
            Please believe.

    • Damon Young

      “1) It’s 2015 Champ…why does the man have cornrows?”

      i put that image in there because the one I wanted for the post wasn’t sizing/uploading properly. but i figured it out, so the original pic is there.

      • Yellow Tail

        Definitely an upgrade.

      • PhlyyPhree

        I came back just to say thank you for updating the picture. That…is just…yea.

        • Lea Thrace

          Girl, I know. I know.

    • miss t-lee

      “2) My father has always told me never trust a black man without a mustache/facial hair…this advice has never failed me.”

      Pops gave me the same advice.
      It’s solid.

      • DiamondIsMyRealName

        #Facts… I think men without facial hair all look like pedophiles *shrugs* judge me, idc! lol

        • miss t-lee

          Well sh*t…lol

    • Black men without facial hair cant be trusted….except Obama….for now.

  • CrankUpThe_AC

    Might as well grow what your daddy gave you. #BeardGameStrong

    • PunchDrunkLove

      Nice pic, but grow no further! Lol

    • TeeChantel

      Nice pic. That’s acceptable.

    • *swoons, then faints*

    • oh we hot todding now

      • TeeChantel

        he’s allowed to. lol

        • Oh but yall wouldnt flourish on the boob post…..hypocrisy lol

          • miss t-lee

            Hush.

          • TeeChantel

            boobs are a lot different than beards, obv lol.

          • PhlyyPhree

            Do you even OWN a pair of grey sweatpants? Oh. Ok. Hi kettle

            • Boxer briefs count?

              • K Lust

                Mmmm boxer briefs to count actually.

          • Katlego

            Patriarchy’s a bitch.

            • You’re reading too much into this

              • Katlego

                I was being funny, as in, patriarchy cuts both ways.

                • oh ok, as you were then lol

    • Freebird

      I up voted you for shooting. Well played.

    • Veleda Briggs

      Nice…very handsome

    • HeyBooHey

      YES! #BeardOnFleek

    • MzzPeaches

      *Wall slides to the flo*

      Damn damn damn! Why I had to do my field work on a day where beards where put on parade?!

    • Katlego

      There aren’t enough likes for the love I’m feeling for this beard.

    • CrankUpThe_AC

      My beard and I thank you all lol.

    • NICUGRAD2016

      Look fine (Wink Wink)

  • IsitFridayyet?

    I haven’t a bougie bone in my body, but I am absolutely positively here for bearded Black men and their melanin- deficient counterparts (multiple degrees not necessary).

    • miss t-lee

      Me too. I don’t care the ethnicity.

  • “Even as soon as a decade ago, the only people BBP praised for their beards were Black Thought and Jesus.”

    My Jesus isn’t a BBP he’s got a carpentry shop down near the port terminals by the paper mill and gives away fish dinners on Fridays.

    • Damon Young

      true. jesus wasn’t a bbp. although he did have day parties and drink a lot of wine

  • miss t-lee

    Far, from bougie, but I love a beard. *swoon*

    • I’m not letting these bougie ***ks have beards. They’ll try to take breathing next.

      • miss t-lee

        tell em Wu. They can’t have it!

  • Detroit Skater

    lawd yes! i am here for the bearded brotha…. i take the time to compliment a well groomed beard.

    • IsitFridayyet?

      A well-groomed beard is the equivalent to the bosom conversation held yesterday. If I see a man with one will stare and commit it to memory.

  • Beauty In Truth

    I’m actually not a fan of grizzly beards on men. Mustaches or a little goatee hair, but I don’t like the full ons. Sorry.

    • miss t-lee

      More for us. :)

      • Beauty In Truth

        I like a cute face and I don’t want it hidden under a Brillo pad of hair.

        • miss t-lee

          I like both.
          A beard doesn’t cover up cute, it enhances it.

          • Beauty In Truth

            TOTALLY disagree. Exhibit A:
            Picture (1) or Picture (2)???
            2 For the Win!!!

            • miss t-lee

              What picture are you referring to?

              • Beauty In Truth

                In my comment above

                • miss t-lee

                  Maybe I missed something? I’m not seeing anything…lol

                  • Beauty In Truth

                    It’s two pics of Ryan Gosling one with a beard and one without.

                    • miss t-lee

                      I had to refresh. I see it now.
                      Ryan Gosling doesn’t do a thing for me, beard, or no beard.
                      So…I can’t relate…lol

                    • Beauty In Truth

                      Just used it as an example. No beards for me.

            • He looks bloated in the second one.

              • Wild Cougar

                He look like he smells of sewage in the second one.

            • K Lust

              Ryan is always better without a beard. Some men just can’t pull off the beard.

            • PunchDrunkLove

              #1

        • its a complement not a competition

          • Beauty In Truth

            I’m aware there is no competition. But some people like to make it that way…..But that’s none of MY business tho.

            Thanks for your piece “Brotha Scruff.” With love :)

      • K Lust

        Yepppp!

    • PunchDrunkLove

      Me either. Nicely trimmed mustache and/or goatee kewl, but Grizzly Adams? Naaaaah. I’m funny about hygiene and stuff, and if I gotta wonder (cause I will) about what’s stored in your facial bush, I become distracted. Lol

  • K Lust

    Beards are my kryptonite. Ain’t nothin’ like a fine ass man with a beard like Zeus. Mmmm

    • miss t-lee

      I need this on a shirt.

    • yes you may

      • K Lust

        Welllll helllo!

    • MsSula

      Look! This is my truth right there.

    • Angel Baby

      I want this as art on my bedroom wall!!!! LOL I’ve missed ya’ll!!!!!!!! I haven’t been on here for like 6 weeks bc of new hours!!!!

  • Can’t grow a beard which is a shame because apparently beards give you extra 2 points on the attractiveness scale and apparently they’re good for hiding weak chins according to some women.

    • Agatha Guilluame

      9 out of 10 times a nucca got a full beard to hide a weak chin or a fat neck while at the same time showing off his last meal. Yuck.

      • ED

        9 out of 10 though? lol

        • Agatha Guilluame

          I mean it’s based on an empirical study but still.

      • Im a 10 percenter

        • Agatha Guilluame

          Everyone thinks they’re a unicorn.

          SN: Has Heyboo booked her ticket yet?

      • Damon Young

        the beard truthers are out today

    • LMAO WEAK CHINSSSSSSSSS. Well, they didn’t help our friend so I suppose there are always exceptions to the rules.

  • uNk

    I got enough hair to complete the connection from sideburns to my mustache and beard, but not enough to fully grow an all out one. I think ill survive

    • Damon Young

      i’m sure you will

    • LMNOP

      Especially if we have a zombie apocalypse, because you know the zombies go after the full bearded guys first.

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