Shit Bougie Black People Love: 27. Unprotected Sex » VSB

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Shit Bougie Black People Love: 27. Unprotected Sex

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Bougie Black People are known for many things. Selfies on bike trails. Coed kickball games. Groupon. Alcoholism. Day parties. Running for Congress. Pescetarianism. Tapered jeans. Delta fundraisers. Working for The Root. 

But while it’s true that BBP partake in many of these activities because they find them pleasurable and/or profitable, it’s also true that the opportunity to meet people they’re romantically interested in and the opportunity to make themselves more attractive to people they’re romantically interested in matters just as much.

This in itself doesn’t distinguish them much from others. What differentiates Bougie Black People is that while most others spent their late teens and early 20s doing things like “fucking” and “having sex with people,” BBP were “carrying actual books in bookbags” and “taking full advantage of professor office hours” and “volunteering at panels and shit.”

The result is a bunch of 28-to-35 year olds, finally unencumbered and (relatively) free, attempting to replicate the sexual behavior of 18-to-25 year olds.

Unfortunately, Bougie Black People cannot stop being Bougie Black People. Since they cannot stop being Bougie Black People, the same assumed uniqueness and the same tendencies to overthink things and outsmart themselves that’s associated with their non-sexual selves also applies to their sexual selves.

And, this is how a bottle of Merlot turns “We should use condoms” into “Well, she just got out of a three year relationship — which means she’s only been with one other guy in the last three years — and she works for Booz Allen. And I know Booz Allen makes its employees take regular drug and blood tests because of their government contracts, so if she had something, she’d know it. Plus, she’s on the praise team at her church, and I’m great at pulling out. So yeah, no condom.”

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Angel Baby

    Haven’t you written something like this before? Stop promoting this! (I may or may not be bougie bc of this) This is so not safe though don’t let people think it’s ok! I remember I once forgot drugs were illegal bc of how many times Lindsey Lohan kept getting off and not being sent to jail. That’s how much influence bad behavior can have on a mind. LOL That’s hilarious but true. I wasn’t out here doing drugs but with all the celebs not going to jail so much but being in court I remembered actually reminding myself that *** is bad for you!

    • T.Q. Fuego

      “Haven’t you written something like this before? Stop promoting this!”

      I legit laughed out loud at this lol

      • Andrea

        What’s your opinion on push-up bras?

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Salt-N-Pepa

        • T.Q. Fuego

          Well honestly, I’d prefer if the ladies let me be the one to push em up instead. That way they could save money and cut the middle man out all while gettin a free massage #winwin

          • Andrea

            Dope!

          • I’m here for this. Also, bras are expensive :-(

    • Wild Cougar

      I made this point last time and they attempted to drag me for being on my high horse, but you cannot drag the superheauxbish, so now seem like errybody hopping on the train I done been on since…… *looks at calendar…….before a lot of you were in puberty

  • MeridianBurst

    lmao. But didn’t we all determine the other day none of us are bougie? That means we all love protected s*x by default, yes?

    Unprotected s*x goes hand in hand with marriage. Or birth control and regular testing. Unprotected s*x is not something you do casually, with people whose activities/s*xual wellness are not monitored and tracked, or with people who are exposed to high volumes of other people.

    If you f*cked your way through life you gotta strap up. If you only f*cked your way through life a little bit you might can get a pass if you’re up to proving you’re all good in the hood.

  • Lisa

    this is where I get off the train… YES. you need a condom. I been unbougied..

    • Me too. Me too. And as an employee of said company, I’ve heard no such thing.

    • MeridianBurst

      lmao. That delivery was flawless though. Just slid the topic right on in there and sh*t.

  • Pinks

    Only been in two relationships, and in both of em, the glove was abandoned once we’d both been tested.

    Ain’t nobody got time for my joint to be chafing cus of some latex and spermicide. I was dating my husband right after graduating, so I still made a couple of trips back to my alma mater, where condoms – even name brand joints are 10 for $1. I spent $5 on magnums one time and when the brown paper bag they came in was empty, we were both like WELP.

    Ain’t seen a nary one since and I’m better of because of it. Also got knocked up twice because of it, but that’s neither here nor there. Wrap it up.

  • See nawl. Nope. NAH. Condoms are a MUST cuz Im not here for stranger danger, cooties or the willies. Dangit Damon, quit taking me on this emotional rollercoaster….one min you make my day, then the next you do this….THIS!!! *grabs suitcase again and hails cab*

  • miss t-lee

    Um…
    Champie bout to have ya’ll out here catching things you can’t throw back.

    http://ewtvrecaps.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/jlo_scrunch_face_haley.jpg

    • Angel Baby

      This is the exact face I just made to a new coworker!!!! When the new coworker makes a joke to you about you and they don’t really know you like that!!! bwhahahahaha Please don’t have my Black girl come out at you lil boy. They don’t know me around here like that and I’ve been here eight years. I think the face explained it all! LOL

      • LOL at Black Girl come out …….. I very distinctly remember two hostile situations in a professional environment where my Black Girl came out. I was so enraged that I don’t know what I said but I did see a coworker looking at me with her mouth open and white as a sheet. I had to ask her did I yell …. she said no. I asked did I curse …. she said no. She said it was your TONE …. and she whispered ….. The look on your FACE ….. LOL

        • Marcie

          I have had this happen to me before! It didnt help that fact that I am West Indian and my accent made its debut! lol

    • Im not here for taking condomless $ex advice from a man in a committed married damb relationship lol

      • miss t-lee

        Always consider your source.

  • TeeChantel

    I can’t be a part of the no-condom crew. Unless you have papers, we’re in a monogamous relationship, and getting tested on the regular the condom does not come off. No mas. SN: There’s been a few BAH references made in the comments section (and in Damon’s post) this week and I’m curious to know what I obviously don’t know. What’s the stereotype? Can someone help me out?

    • Rachmo

      Cosign. I need condoms and what not if we’re not dating.

  • Damon Young

    to everyone in the comments: don’t shoot the messenger. and by “don’t shoot the messenger” I mean “cats be frontin. maybe not you in particular. but cats. be. frontin.”

    • MeridianBurst

      >>> is presently crying laughing <<<

    • From my observation….its the folks playing fast and loose that wear condoms religiously cuz #noSTDs….its them heauxs in committed relationships riding raw and free with bae lol…..so im not saying you need more ppl…..but maybe you just need BETTER ppl lol

      • Wild Cougar

        It’s the heauxs who are in “committed” 3 month relationships 3 times a year that got me worried. They never use condoms, period and they think every dude they get with is their man because they are doing it raw when it never was than kind of party and everybody is just lying to themselves and spreading bugs and oops babies.

    • uNk

      super frontin!!!
      In every serious or almost serious relationship i have had, once we got tested together and made that relationship official, condoms was out the door…..and im childless and since birth been STDless…so im glad to say “There maybe bugs on some of you mugs, but there aint no bugs on me” – Lil Lab Da Gawd

  • cakes_and_pies

    Let me cover up this here Bougie Black Girl tank lest random men think they can put their mayonnaise all up in my ham wallet cuz no.

    • O_o ham wallet!

    • miss t-lee

      Ham wallet? I’m weak .

      • cakes_and_pies

        I am Boar’s Head Bougie, not Oscar Meyer pedestrian.

        • miss t-lee

          LMFAO

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Wow.

          No wonder the fancy stuff is costly at the deli.

        • PunchDrunkLove

          Definitely

    • LEE007

      LMAO

    • Skegeeaces

      Mayonnaise and ham wallet?! ::Clutches pearls::

    • BOL haahaahaahahahahaa i cant stop crying and heaving and laughing owww my tummy hurtssssss

    • Lea Thrace

      I am conflicted about giving you my upvote.

      Cause on the one hand: Heefrickinlarious

      On the other hand: Ham wallet is just the best worst description.

      I’ma let you have it just this once…

      • cakes_and_pies

        I like euphemisms. No matter how you slice it (?!) That’s what we have, whether it be Black Forrest to Honey Ham.

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    Yall aren’t reading what Damon said.

    This is for the NERDS that NEVER GOT LAID back in the day, and now make mistakes in their late 20s-early 40s, that only 18+ should make.

    Besides…every last on of yall had that 1 AM condom decision conversation.

    Him: Yo…I’m saying…..I’m out right now..I don’t have any.
    Her: Oh come on, you’re always supposed to have one. I don’t want you to leave.
    Him: I’m saying…I don’t have to…I’ll just put the tip in…that’s it.
    Her: No we can’t. I can’t go down like that
    Him: Bae…its me *kisses neck*
    Her: *in a moment of weakness that only Gerald Levert songs and specified episodes of Scandal are known for* …damn….ok…just…just don’t….don’t….*moans*

    I dare any of you to lie to me today. .I DARE YOU.

    • TeeChantel

      *raises hand* nah. not me. never. no lie.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        I’m side-eyeing the heck out of your font right now.

        • TeeChantel

          lol. you can side-eye me all you want. i’m being very for real right now. if he had to go to the store, I’d go with him and we made a fun trip out of it. chex w/o a condom just wasn’t happening.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Hmmm. Ok. I believe you. For now. *cues dramatic music*

            • TeeChantel

              LOL

    • Angel Baby

      Why is this my first time hearing this song? I like it!!!

    • MeridianBurst

      Y’all are really coming for the nerds and prudes today huh…

      Even if you weren’t someone who was into certain things when you’re younger it doesn’t automatically mean you’ll be wildin out as you get older.

      And even if that conversation were to go down…I mean. It depends on the who “it’s me” guy is. If you say that and I have years worth of stuff to flash through my mind at that moment…

      But if it’s a casual thing?

      • Rachmo

        Yeah I agree that the who is important here. Ya’ll know I’m down for the pullout and all but not loosey goosey with someone that’s not bae. I’m no longer scared of getting pregnant but STDs freak me out.

        • MeridianBurst

          Exactly. The heat of that moment isn’t solely about the physical pleasures and sensations I’m experiencing. I’m thinking about who this guy has been to me over a period of time. If it’s casual “it’s me” doesn’t hold any weight.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            But….that’s the point…you got some training. You know better. NOW. Some people don’t. Never had the training.

            • Rachmo

              Au contraire, I’m a classic late bloomer so my first bf was at 20. I was out there being pretty reckless until…the day I met the current bae haha.

              • MeridianBurst

                Right. I wasn’t open that way until well into my college years and even then I was pretty choosey about who and what. I have my fun and all but I try to keep a good head about it. My thing has always been stimulation outside of s*x. Doing things that embody the very definition of erotic.

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  That’s what I’m saying M. You had a good start. You’d be surprised how many people DON’T get a good start. At all.

                  • MeridianBurst

                    Thanks! I lowkey feel like you’re implying there’s a stage of s*x addiction lurking around the corner, but I’m fairly sure I’m always gonna be like this.

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      Nope. You are an addict from them draws. Now go get your daily dose of Vitamin D.

                    • MeridianBurst

                      lmao. Tuh. My draws are Teflon homie.

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      That’s why Mags exist.

                    • MeridianBurst

                      *twirls my panties above my head* Still Teflon.

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                Me too!

                I have nightmares about my past…..doings…horrible horrible times.

          • Rachmo

            Right that’s my thing. There’s also other stuff we can do outside chex in the heat of the moment but I’m keeping it PG ;-)

            • Word. I always keep a plan B for those moments when the tension is too much. It’s smart dating management.

              • He who thinks before he speaks

                hahahahaha!

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Yea but info is for the people who never really had a BAE. For the people who read, heard, and talked about BAE, maybe BAE, and sidepiece BAE, but never got that far themselves back in the day…but now they got it and they like ooooooh, fun time!

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        As a proud member of the Been A Nerd Since Day 1 Foundation, I can honestly say, this does happen to plenty of people who have never gone through awkward phases of early relationships/grown folk relationships. It happens. Its not impossible to occur, but luckily once you have some training, you stop doing these things.

        • MeridianBurst

          I think it’s about the individual. If you’re someone who is pretty straight laced than you would still be pretty straight laced even when you get into a relationship with someone and he takes it there. I don’t think if you’re straight laced as a person and you find yourself in this situation when you’re older, you’ll automatically go for it because you’ve never experienced it before. Or that you’ll all the sudden have this rush of being hypers*xual.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Of course it is up to the individual. But your character is always questioned by the choices you make in specific situations. We don’t always mean to do bad things, but based on situations we find ourselves in, we will make bad decisions at times. That’s just life.

            There’s a reason so many people have kids when they never even planned on having kids because it was with someone who never had a future with them in the first place. Doesn’t make them bad people though.

            • MeridianBurst

              S*x shouldn’t come with a sacrifice of character. I think it should be meaningful and it should happen naturally, and when it does you should still feel completely whole about it and as if it gels naturally with your genuine state. I understand that people can get excited in the moment and make mistakes. Some things are just about decision making though. I’m not gonna make one like that impulsively. I might if I was genuinely in love. If a man I loved was in my space like that? Who knows how it’d turn out. I think it boils down to what I think of you because in that moment everything about you is gonna flash through my mind. And if I think highly of you or you’ve been a good partner to me, who knows.

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                S*x doesn’t come with a sacrifice of character. People come with a sacrifice of character.

                Never met a dog or cat in my life that regretted getting some.

                • MeridianBurst

                  Okay. You got me there. But that’s beside the d*mn point! The point is you don’t regret it when you go about it in the way that feels right to you and you stick to that.

                  • RewindingtonMaximus

                    And you are correct, but that only applies to people who learned how to appreciate themselves. That’s all.

                    • MeridianBurst

                      If a man appreciates me the same way I appreciate myself, he can get awwwwl the lovin he wants in the way that he wants it.

    • PunchDrunkLove

      “This is for the NERDS that NEVER GOT LAID back in the day, and now make mistakes in their late 20s-early 40s, that only 18+ should make”

      Naaaah, homie….NO.CAN.DO. I agree, some thangs you can’t give back.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Uh..yea. That’s the point though. You know this information now. YOU KNOW IT. But does everyone else know it? No.

        • PunchDrunkLove

          I’m gonna be positive and say YES! Everybody hopefully knows this!

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Hmm.

            Ok so go visit your nearest Planned Parenthood and get back to me. Or your nearest clinic. Or your nearest anonoymous website where people b*tch about horrible experiences they’ve had.

            • PunchDrunkLove

              I know there are some folks that have made bad decisions, but not everyone.

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                No not everyone. Thankfully. But the amount of us who’ve made good decisions are mainly on the minority level.

                • PunchDrunkLove

                  Short story…..

                  Some years ago was dating this dude that I’d been hanging out with, getting cozy, and what not….dude pulling out all the stops and just impressing the heck out of me. Showing me the kind of man he was, just doing the dang thing…had a sista head over hills too. Mind you, we’d been going out for months, but no sex yet. Anyhoo, one evening he came over, I sort of knew we were at THAT point, and was feeling okay with allowing things to naturally progress. Why oh why did he come unprepared? Yes, I know in this day and age, women stay supplied up, but he wasn’t expecting me to have anything either…he wasn’t expecting to use anything….at all! So, naturally we had the no glove no love talk. He was sooo taken aback when everything got ahem “postponed”, but I was dead serious. I think that was yet one more layer (cause he was working to peel them bad boys back) to work through.
                  Everything was cool, but he left with that “you for real” expression….hahahaha. Naw homie, can’t roll like that.

    • Andrea

      I think it is better to be a nerd that never got laid. And then shine when you become Zuckerberg. Than be the homecoming King that becomes the guy people used to want in HS. In the End. Whatever mistakes the nerds make…they are probably are gonna do it with way Flyer people.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        True. I can attest to this. However, that doesn’t make the feeling of not being like everybody go away. Its a maturity thing. One day you wake up and realize its ok to be you. But until that point…IT SUCKS. It really really really sucks.

        • Andrea

          I’m excited about how much more maturing I can do!! I’m constantly amazing myself by magically ending up in a place I didn’t see myself getting to. Or didn’t realize I could go. I like getting older.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Well you are a unique character. And you’re quite charasmatic. So your maturity takes you down a different path than people like myself who never had those capabilities until we learned them.

            I’m excited for my growth, but only because I like who I am now. I spent so much of my life not liking me, and that made a difference on my road to maturity.

        • CamCamtheGreat

          Yep. Alladis!

      • pls

        the nerds are the freakiest. the things i used to see in the library when i was on campus….

        i also just came in here to say i have the best comment ever this week! *toots own horn*

    • h.h.h.

      This is for the NERDS that NEVER GOT LAID back in the day, and now make mistakes in their late 20s-early 40s, that only 18+ should make.

      yeah, but when you see the drama the fun times entail, “some of these nerds” may wonder if it’s worth it…if that makes sense

      *edited to add – that’s what i’ve overheard*

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Well that’s just being human in general. But you know the truth…which is when you are the “other” and you watch everyone else make a mockery of themselves…as badly as you may want to be a part of the group just to feel like you belong….you know it isn’t worth it. You don’t know what is waiting for you if you stay true to yourself…but you know it isn’t going to be the same antics everybody else gets caught up in.

        • h.h.h.

          yeah i was trying to tell the lil homie that too..but lil cuz doesn’t buy it.

          i guess more conversation/advice is needed.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            They never do until reality punches them in the face.

        • MeridianBurst

          It’s worth it if it benefits you. Fools will be fools but you don’t have to be one of them in order to enjoy yourself. You miss out on a lot of good times but you also miss out on all the unnecessary BS as well. That’s a better trade off.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Yes but only taking the risk proves that, no one believes that by word of mouth.

            • MeridianBurst

              It’s not a risk to me if the necessary actions are taken and purposeful thought/sound judgment was exercised in mate selection. At that point it’s not just lip service or taking someone’s word for it. You know for yourself it’s okay.

      • MeridianBurst

        EXACT — I mean. *composes myself* Exactly.

        That has always, always been my thing about it. Fun is awesome and a lot of fun is even more awesome, but it also comes with a significant amount of drama, harmful experiences, and a bit of your soul. I always look at that and it repels me. If there were a way to have loads of fun and not have all that, I’d be completely down for it.

        • h.h.h.

          as my lil cuz explained to me, he believes that s*x is a wonderfully pleasurable physical experience, when done right. but there is an aspect of spirituality, mentality…as you described it, soul-sharing that gets involved. and he’s seen the ramifications of females acting crazy about dudes who didn’t care that much, and males acting like the one goal in life is to follow anything for that add*cktion. so he’s very careful in terms of not following the follies of this friends.

          and when he said that to me, i understood his mindstate.

          • MeridianBurst

            “as my lil cuz explained to me, he believes that s*x is a wonderfully pleasurable physical experience, when done right.”

            It’s also a need, a necessity, something that’s vital to the human condition. I just think there are so many factors and elements to it that go beyond the pure physicality of it. If those are right than the s*x is right. To me at least.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            My cousin was a manwhore. He gave me all the information I required when one day he told me “Jay…I just hate how these chicks be using me man”.

            Mind has been blown ever since.

    • KMN

      I’m not gonna lie…proof is in my profile pic…love her though…she’s my true bae…

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Aye….that’s real good proof though.

        You get the legit pass from me.

        • KMN

          Also, he and I were together for over 15 years when I had her…sooooooooooo there’s that lol

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            But that’s a beautiful piece of work though, so I’m not even mad at ya

    • The regular know I will straight suplex a chick over getting my raw D before she earned that title. You will be out on that track freezing playing that game with me. Hell is too cool for a woman who violates.

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