Aside from the memory of that time last year when they were retweeted by Shonda Rhimes, there’s nothing that will more bring joy to a Bougie Black Person’s spirit than creating personalized business cards, receiving those personalized business cards in the mail, and handing out those personalized business cards to people they happen to meet.
The entire process is met with a seriousness and care similar to what samurais go through when making katanas. It starts when the Bougie Black Person receives a promotion from “Junior Assistant Social Media Engagement Initiative Co-Director” to “Lead Assistant Social Media Engagement Initiative Co-Director” and wishes to let the world know of their burgeoning status as a “change agent” or a “person with a job.” They then research fonts and custom templates, a process that can take weeks and often causes injury. After hand-delivering the cards to a recommended graphic designer — Vistaprint is for regular Blacks — they wait at home with baited breath, clearing their schedules for an entire week to make sure they don’t miss the Fed Ex man.
Now the real fun starts, as the Bougie Black Person will begin to hand unsolicited cards to everyone they encounter. Sure, their dentists definitely don’t need any professional assistance from a “Millennial Procurement Operations Specialist” or the “Modcloth Mid-Atlantic Urban Styles Lead Blogger,” but the Bougie Black Person feels good saying things like “Well, if you’re ever in a bind” and “I know some people.”
The business card also comes in handy while meeting potential romantic partners. While other people do things like “talk to each other” and even occasionally “listen to things each other are saying” to learn more about each other, Bougie Black People have no time for that, preferring to just exchange business cards crammed with every professional accomplishment they’ve made since graduating from Hampton School of Business seven weeks ago.
You see, nothing matters more to a Bougie Black Person than mattering, and a business card is the easiest way to let the guy who they were talking to in line at Chipotle know they weren’t just talking to a regular Black person. No, that overdressed stranger behind you who asked if Chipotle had gluten-free options was a person who matters.