Shit Bougie Black People Love: 19. Business Cards » VSB

Featured, Sh*t Bougie Black People Love

Shit Bougie Black People Love: 19. Business Cards

iStock

 

Aside from the memory of that time last year when they were retweeted by Shonda Rhimes, there’s nothing that will more bring joy to a Bougie Black Person’s spirit than creating personalized business cards, receiving those personalized business cards in the mail, and handing out those personalized business cards to people they happen to meet.

The entire process is met with a seriousness and care similar to what samurais go through when making katanas. It starts when the Bougie Black Person receives a promotion from “Junior Assistant Social Media Engagement Initiative Co-Director” to “Lead Assistant Social Media Engagement Initiative Co-Director” and wishes to let the world know of their burgeoning status as a “change agent” or a “person with a job.” They then research fonts and custom templates, a process that can take weeks and often causes injury. After hand-delivering the cards to a recommended graphic designer — Vistaprint is for regular Blacks — they wait at home with baited breath, clearing their schedules for an entire week to make sure they don’t miss the Fed Ex man.

Now the real fun starts, as the Bougie Black Person will begin to hand unsolicited cards to everyone they encounter. Sure, their dentists definitely don’t need any professional assistance from a “Millennial Procurement Operations Specialist” or the “Modcloth Mid-Atlantic Urban Styles Lead Blogger,” but the Bougie Black Person feels good saying things like “Well, if you’re ever in a bind” and “I know some people.”

The business card also comes in handy while meeting potential romantic partners. While other people do things like “talk to each other” and even occasionally “listen to things each other are saying” to learn more about each other, Bougie Black People have no time for that, preferring to just exchange business cards crammed with every professional accomplishment they’ve made since graduating from Hampton School of Business seven weeks ago.

You see, nothing matters more to a Bougie Black Person than mattering, and a business card is the easiest way to let the guy who they were talking to in line at Chipotle know they weren’t just talking to a regular Black person. No, that overdressed stranger behind you who asked if Chipotle had gluten-free options was a person who matters.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • i hatechu for this, Damon. I just ordered new business cards two weeks ago. And yes, I am too good for Vistaprint’s logo on my isht. And you will get these cards when we meet. All of you will. lol! BECAUSE I MATTER, DANGIT!

    • Kozy

      Marketing emailed me about ordering business cards and, I promise you, I squealed a little bit.

    • Wild Cougar

      Vistaprint will send you cards without their logo. Zazzle has better designs. My new cards from Zazzle should be in my mailbox any day now. They are positively snazzy. Bougie Black people in DC don’t like designs. Beige cards with Arial font only. So you look like a senate staffer.

      • one more reason for me not to move to DC….

      • PhlyyPhree

        I got fancy and went to Moo Cards for new cards because my company said I could….BEST. DAY. EVER!!!!!!

        • Wild Cougar

          I gotta check out this Moo. I hope they don’t have snazzier designs than Zazzle. But I didn’t spend a lot, cuz business card design is apparently cheap. heavy card stock, however, is not.

          • PhlyyPhree

            They doooo!! Front and back. and I think you can even do the transparent card thingy too! I love Moo.

            • Wild Cougar

              Tuh. Well, they do look raaather bougie. A little better than Zazzle but just by a tad. Is ok. My business is new. As soon as I get through these 250, I’m gonna get some new designs. LOL. as if…..

            • Boo Radley

              Moo is all things. Did you see the ones they have with the NFC chip in them? You don’t even pass them out, you just hand them to a person, watch them be impressed as they wait for their phone to pick up your info.

              • Wild Cougar

                oooooooh!

        • Shay-d-Lady

          that’s where I got my dad’s cards made. he is a musician and the design was SICK! for a really great price. he felt so important lol

    • So what would be the Black equivalent of Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel? Would it be Lionel Richie, Frankie Beverly and Kool & The Gang? LOL Just don’t hack me to death. :)

      • I have no idea what on earth you’re talking about. lol.

        • It’s an American Psycho reference, to go with the American Psycho clip on business cards.

          • ahhhhhhh!

            I’ve never seen American Psycho, unfortunately lol.

      • It might actually still be Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel. You know Bourgie folk loooove to speak on how “diverse” their musical tastes are.

        Mind you, this is coming from someone who has both artists in her top ten favorite songs ever. ( ._.)

  • NomadaNare
    • Tish Harris

      This video just made my entire day.

    • miss t-lee

      I love this movie…lol

    • Heavens2Murgatroid

      This was way better than Batman

    • In light of the whole Elliot Rodger situation, I can’t enjoy the movie as much as I used to, since dude jacked American Psycho’s whole aesthetic for his series of whiny videos. Still, scenes like that make it a classic.

    • Shay-d-Lady

      lol it even has a watermark!!

  • Kozy

    Guilty.

  • h.h.h.

    apparently i need a business card because i do stuff…since everyone does vistaprint, i’ll have to be a rebel and go w/ moo

    • moo is the biznass.

    • AlwaysCC

      i just discovered moo. i have used erin condren in the past…everybody doesn’t get one of those cards, they’re too expensive lol

    • CamCamtheGreat

      I have business cards that I don’t even use. You can have mine.

      And props to you for the Tobi avatar. Good job, sir.

  • Phax only. Also, why does everyone with 1000 followers seem to self identify as “social media consultant”

  • I only think of American Psycho when I see and hear of business cards.

  • PunchDrunkLove

    I’ve changed roles three times since 2004 and each role came with company ordered business cards. Never had anything going on personally that would call for business cards. And danggit I better not meet that person that doesn’t have a business going, but handing out cards…lol I NEVER hand out my cards, outside of business. Well, wait…..I keep a few in my purse for former acquaintences I have encountered or may encounter. Their first inclination was to reach for their business card. With that gesture, I offer mine in return. So, yeah, some in my purse.

    The last batch ordered came from my manager mandating a new batch be ordered by our AAs. Currently, my business cards are sitting to the side in a corner, (again) a few in my purse, and a stash in my leather porfolio case for when we travel and/or do client visits….heck I have yet to finish the last box. The only time I see a true exchange is during client visits where cards are getting handed out and passed around. Whatever client we’re visiting does the same…they come stocked with business cards. Otherwise, so not a big deal.

  • cakes_and_pies

    My job gave me 2,000 business card. Due to the nature of what I do, I’m bound by law to not discuss most aspects of my work before they are made public. So now I have 1,700 shot and wine glass coasters and “Hold on, let me find something to write on” personalized note cards,

    • PunchDrunkLove

      I feel ya

    • So are you a member of S.H.I.E.L.D.

      • cakes_and_pies

        Shh…Don’t tell anyone.

  • Lea Thrace

    I got 2000 new business cards with the new company 2 years ago. I still have 1950 of those cards. My mother has like 30 of them. (Dont ask).

    I need to find environments that lend themselves to business card exchanges.

    I want to matter darn it!

    • I would ask for one but then we would have to exchange information electronically and then well that defeats the purpose now doesn’t it

      • Wild Cougar

        I honestly would rather you just add me on Linkedin. You give me your card and the next day I’m probably gonna be wondering who’s card this is and it will eventually end up in the trash.

        • times have changed, im much more likely to peruse a linked in or personal site on my phone than flip thru a rolodex which is literally on my desk as a decoration

        • True! I was at a networking event a couple days ago punching people into my LinkedIn app, no commercials, NO MERCY!!!

  • I must be on some other bourgie level….because I have calling cards.
    And thank you note cards.

    • cakes_and_pies

      I have Thank You note cards too. I didn’t think that as usual, but it is.

    • miss t-lee

      I have thank you cards, unlike the biz cards, I actually use them…lol

    • PhlyyPhree

      Ahhhh, but do you have special thank you cards and calling cards on egyptian papyrus with hand lettered font and monogram? Because if not…..

      • Wild Cougar

        I should go to moo and get some calling cards, but no phone number. Just my email and linked in and a fabulous picture of me. I’ll call it my social card. So when I go to boring bougie happy hour brag fests, I can say, would you like my social or business card?

        • PhlyyPhree

          Bwhahahahahaaha!!! I think that’s about to be the new wave. As a Leading Social Media Consultant and Emerging Innovation Analyst, I think that I too should invest in a social card.

          • AlwaysCC

            people here just say “here’s my information” even in the mom circles, they pass them out. kids’ names/info and family email account

          • Wild Cougar

            Did I just start something? Oh Jeebus I better get mine now before they get too “common”

        • I had social cards. They really only work with the 2520 set, so I swapped them in lieu of the calling cards. Same info, no picture.

          • Wild Cougar

            ……I don’t understand…..

            • You ever watch “Millionaire Matchmaker”? She suggests having a “social” contact card that includes a picture so people (read: potential suitors) can remember you and have more incentive to keep contact. When I was involved in more entertainment-related stuff (pageants, hosting, etc) it was useful..but it was also a completely different audience..and a lot uh..brighter. I brought those around our folk and was perceived as mightily pretentious.

              • Wild Cougar

                ohhhhh. Welp. Good information.

    • AlwaysCC

      i have notecards with my name on them to be used for any purpose i deem fit…i LOVE them!

More Like This