Sh*t Bougie Black People Love

Shit Bougie Black Girls Say

The bougie black girl's patron saint

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock or one of Rick Ross’ breasts for the past month, you’ve undoubtedly seen, read, or heard about “Shit Girls Say” and the dozens of increasingly contrived spin-offs it’s spawned. (Seriously, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if went on YouTube and saw “Shit Gay German-Ethiopian Boys Say To Baltimore Strip-Club Bouncers”)

As a friend and I were discussing these videos earlier in the week, she half-jokingly complained that no one made a video about things her demographic — the biracial woman — says. I corrected her, saying that “Shit Bougie Black Girls Say” would definitely be more appropriate for her “Hampton undergrad, Harvard grad”-ass ass.

Her response was predictable. First, she did what every single black person who’s ever been accused of being bougie by anyone at any time always does first: deny the fact that she’s bougie. Then, she denied the fact that bougie black girls even say or do anything “special enough” to warrant an entire video for them.

As you’ll begin to see in the next paragraph, I disagreed.

“Does he own a passport?”

If you’re ever in doubt as to whether a black girl is truly bougie, ask her if she’d date a guy who didn’t own a passport. If she says something normal like “I guess. I mean, I don’t see why not.” she’s probably not. But, if she recoils in fear, breaks out in hives, and starts running in circles while crying and screaming “NONONONONONONONO!!!!!!” you’ve probably found yourself a bougie black girl.

Bougie black girls reading this, can you explain something to me? What is the big deal with the passport? I mean, I understand loving to travel and wanting your potential beau to be able to travel with you, but what’s preventing you from just asking him to get one. Seriously, the conversation would go exactly like this:

“Hey, I want to go to Spain this summer, and I’d like you to come with me. Do you have a passport?”

“No, nubian princess, God of my Earth, but I’d love to make that trip with you, and I can get one.”

“Cool.” 

(See how easy that was?)

“That’s my favorite Thai restaurant”

For whatever reason, Thai food has catapulted past all other international cuizines as the bougie black girl’s default food of choice, leaving Ethiopian food, Indian food, and p*ssy juice in it’s curry-scented dust.

Perhaps the collective decision to be Thai food philes occurred in one of those mysterious early Saturday morning meetings Delta chapters love to have. If that’s true, it helps to explain why they each have to devote like 30% of their yearly income to Delta dues. They’re not giving back to the main office. They’re putting their money together to fund all these gotdamn Thai restaurants popping up all over the damn place.

Also, note how the bougie black girl says “that’s my favorite” — a linguistic trick letting the listener know that her bougie ass has been to enough Thai restaurants to be able to deem one her favorite.

“I’m not bougie”

I referenced this before — bougie motherf*ckers never seem to want to acknowledge their bougieness — but, the more I think about it, the more I think this denial is inauthentic. I think they enjoy being thought of as bougie because it assigns a certain social status to them. But, since they know it’s not socially acceptable to relish that status, they verbally deny it while doing mental jumping jacks of joy. (“He called me bougie! This means that he thinks I’m worth some effort! Lemme pretend not to be bougie so he doesn’t think I’m too siddity“)

“Where’s brunch?”

Panama’s already touched on this, but bougie black girls love brunch more than fat crackheads love Home Depot.

“I’m so ratchet.”

Sign #318 that you’re definitely, unequivocally, absolutely, unmistakably, positively, and emphatically NOT ratchet: You refer to yourself as ratchet.

“Wait, who’s going to be there?” 

It doesn’t matter if they’re going to a party or just going out to the front lawn to pick up the newspaper, bougie black girls don’t even consider going anywhere unless they know exactly who else is going. Now, finding out that some of the “wrong” people are going doesn’t necessarily stop them from going, but it does influence their attire, mode of transportation, intoxication level, tph (tweets per hour) count, and whether the guy she invites back to her house later “adds to her number.

“Is he Greek?”

“Greek” can also be replaced with “from here,” done with school,” “driving that,” or “gay

“Where’d you get that?” “Target, girl.” “OH MY GOD!!!”

You haven’t lived until you listened to two bougie black girls practically orgasm with surprise over a recent purchase one of them made at Target. What makes it even better is the fact that they have the exact same convo with the exact same orgasm of surprise each time at least once a week.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, that’s it for me. Can you think of any more shit that bougie black girls (or guys) say?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • SororSalsa

    Bougie sistahs unknowingly correct their less bougie friends’ pronunciation of designers (ahem…maybe that was just me). When I first got to college, I thought that “Ag-ner” was some brand I had never heard of. It was 3 weeks before I realized my roommate and her friends were talking about Aigner.

    Yeah….I’m bougie.

  • Dom

    I love Thai food!

  • http://www.twitter.com/brotherjames ChaoticDiva

    I want royalties for you using my likeness. Just saying. Don’t hate this bougie nerd tomboy crazy girl.

    Yeah, I run the gamut, Frys, and the shoe department. And the fridge. Step away from the fridge.

    *continues to drink Nyquil*

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    The passport thing, while not my requirement, is I guess understandable. See, we want a man who is well-traveled. Sure he can get a passport to go on a trip with me but that’s not the point. The point is, have you been anywhere outside of the country? Has it ever crossed your mind to make it happen before I met you?

    LMAO at ‘I’m so ratchet.’ Yes. THIS. I hate the word, mostly cuz bougie ppl use it in place of “ghetto” but seem to think they’re taking some moral high road because of it.

    There are many more things bougie Black girls talk about. Like, making plans to go to the Vineyard (but make sure it’s not during the weekend when The Negroes are all there), talk about maintaining appearances (which liquors can and can’t be imbibed in public, which foods can and can’t be eaten in public, etc)…and other bougie topics. Not that I’m bougie or anything.

  • http://www.twitter.com/brotherjames ChaoticDiva

    And its Burmese, not Thai. Okay, anything with Asian noodles. Okay, anything that tastes good.

  • CMc

    “Those are your [cousins / people].”

  • xLadyTx

    I’m 3 out of the 8 on the list. Guess I’m not bougie. Sweeet. Boughetto, on the other hand…totally different story.

  • aponda

    Thai food is… Target is not… I’m not… Okay, you got me.

  • Iamnotakata

    Bougie?? Nooo…..I can’t stand a so called “Bougie black person” Really any individual that comes at me with that behavior most certainly will get the side eye. I will quickly return them to reality. By the way how is a love for Target Bougie? I happen to love!!!Target and live there part time. Its just a great store! Back to my post, any who there are a lot of mistaken, I want to act bougie folks in Houston and I can’t understand why? Have they seen this city?…Hardly qualifies for that behavior.

  • http://www.twitter.com dame

    My addition has to go right after “I’m not bougie”…..and that addition, ironically, would be…

    “Oh, don’t let the bougie fool you!”

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