Shit Bougie Black Girls Say
Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock or one of Rick Ross’ breasts for the past month, you’ve undoubtedly seen, read, or heard about “Shit Girls Say”Â and the dozens of increasingly contrived spin-offs it’s spawned. (Seriously, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if went on YouTube and saw “Shit Gay German-Ethiopian BoysÂ Say To Baltimore Strip-Club Bouncers”)
As a friend and I were discussing these videos earlier in the week, she half-jokingly complained that no one made a video about things her demographic — the biracial woman — says. I corrected her, saying that “Shit Bougie Black Girls Say” would definitely be moreÂ appropriateÂ for her “Hampton undergrad, Harvard grad”-ass ass.
Her response wasÂ predictable. First, she did what every single black person who’s ever been accused of being bougie by anyone at any time always does first: deny the fact that she’s bougie. Then, she denied the fact that bougie black girls even say or do anything “special enough” to warrant an entire video for them.
As you’ll begin to see in the next paragraph, I disagreed.
“Does he own a passport?”
If you’re ever in doubt as to whether a black girl is truly bougie, ask her if she’d date a guy who didn’t own a passport. If she says something normal likeÂ “I guess. I mean, I don’t see why not.”Â she’s probably not. But, if she recoils in fear, breaks out in hives, and starts running in circles while crying and screaming “NONONONONONONONO!!!!!!” you’ve probably found yourself a bougie black girl.
Bougie black girls reading this, can you explain something to me? What is the big deal with the passport? I mean, I understand loving to travel and wanting your potential beau to be able to travel with you, but what’s preventing you from just asking him to get one.Â Seriously, the conversation would go exactly like this:
“Hey, I want to go to Spain this summer, and I’d like you to come with me. Do you have a passport?”
“No, nubian princess, God of my Earth, but I’d love to make that trip with you, and I can get one.”
(See how easy that was?)
“That’s my favorite ThaiÂ restaurant”
For whatever reason, Thai food hasÂ catapultedÂ past all other international cuizines as the bougie black girl’s default food of choice, leavingÂ EthiopianÂ food, Indian food, and p*ssy juice in it’s curry-scented dust.
Perhaps the collective decision to be Thai food philesÂ occurredÂ in one of those mysterious early Saturday morning meetings Delta chapters love to have. If that’s true, it helps to explain why they each have to devote like 30% of their yearly income to Delta dues. They’re not giving back to the main office. They’re putting their money together to fund all these gotdamn Thai restaurants popping up all over the damn place.
Also, note how the bougie black girl says “that’s my favorite” — a linguistic trick letting the listener know that her bougie ass has been to enough Thai restaurants to be able to deem one her favorite.
“I’m not bougie”
I referenced this before — bougie motherf*ckers never seem to want toÂ acknowledgeÂ their bougieness — but, the more I think about it, the more I think this denial is inauthentic. I think they enjoy being thought of as bougie because it assigns a certain social status to them. But, since they know it’s not sociallyÂ acceptableÂ to relish that status, they verbally deny it while doing mental jumping jacks of joy. (“He called me bougie! This means that he thinks I’m worth some effort! Lemme pretend not to be bougie so he doesn’t think I’m too siddity“)
Panama’s already touched on this,Â but bougie black girls love brunch more than fat crackheads love Home Depot.
“I’m so ratchet.”
Sign #318 that you’re definitely,Â unequivocally, absolutely,Â unmistakably, positively, andÂ emphatically NOT ratchet: You refer to yourself as ratchet.
“Wait, who’s going to be there?”Â
It doesn’t matter if they’re going to a party or just going out to the front lawn to pick up the newspaper, bougie black girls don’t even consider going anywhere unless they know exactly who else is going. Now, finding out that some of the “wrong” people are going doesn’tÂ necessarilyÂ stop them from going, but it does influence their attire, mode of transportation, intoxication level, tph (tweets per hour) count, and whether the guy she invites back to her house later “adds to her number.”
“Is he Greek?”
“Greek” can also be replaced with “from here,” done with school,” “driving that,” or “gay”
“Where’d you get that?” “Target, girl.” “OH MY GOD!!!”
You haven’t lived until you listened to two bougie black girls practically orgasm with surprise over a recent purchase one of them made at Target. What makes it even better is the fact that they have the exact same convo with the exact same orgasm of surprise each time at least once a week.
Anyway, people of VSB.com, that’s it for me. Can you think of any more shit that bougie black girls (or guys) say?
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)