shake and bake: 7 surefire ways to make yourself seem much more important than you really are
in order to efficiently survive a recession, a time putting excessive strain on employment, friendships, romance, and finance, you need to be able to sell yourself better than karrine stephens.
today, as another example of how seriously the verysmartbrothas take our crime-fighting ideals, the champ has decided to bless the vsb pulpit with seven recession-proof ways to make yourself seem much more important than you really are.
take notes and sh*t
1. initialize yourself
for instance, if you’re sadly deemed cephus tyrone jackson on your drivers license, but your pops last name was smith, think of how much more aka and delta snatch you’d get with c.t. jackson smith on your business cards or stitched into your shirt cuffs.
while professional b*tches merely like the smiley face, they love upwardly mobile initialed n*ggas
2. dress unnecessarily and excessively formal
walking to the market district giant eagle to pick up some milk? throw on that $75 $500 suit you copped at banana republic‘s 85 percent off end of summer sale last week
first fridays at the club? two words: bowtie, b*tches.
if that doesn’t work? next time, three words: tux with tails
casual day at work? f*ck no. for you casual day doesn’t exist. be casual when you’re dead. so what if its 93 degrees and you’re at the company summer beach volleyball game, you’re damn important, and your sandy khakis and tweet blazer soaked in seven gallons of your important as hell sweat proves it.
3. rock lapel pins
as the champ continues to prove, nothing says “i’m important, b*tch. you must hire or fellate me immediately” like a shiny faux gold or aluminum pin attached to your suits. who cares if the pin itself actually came from a bulk pack of good & plenty’s, nobody pays attention to what those sh*ts actually say anyway
4. always put people on hold when they call
so what if you’re about as busy as black rob and and no one has actually called you in 197 hours, putting people immediately on hold as soon as they call you lets everyone know exactly how important you are.
this also gives them the pleasure of knowing that while your important ass has other important sh*t to do, they’re important enough to make you momentarily pause your important ass activity. a win win for all involved.
5. use big-ass words
why say “hey, i thought of a couple new ideas for work” when “hey, i metacognitivately allocated a novel paradigm shifting construct to augment our professional purlieus” works even better??
who cares if you’re likely to frequently induce aneurysms for your audience, you’re important dammit, and its their unimportant ass duty to figure your important ass out
6. organize meetings and sh*t
while you’re definitely important enough to do things by yourself, unnecessarily inviting other people to witness and participate in mundane sh*t only adds to your importance aura.
organize a group carpool to the dry cleaners. invite a dozen people over to watch espn desportes. call a staff meeting to discuss office fridge freezer ice replacement. make an 8 way group conference call to discuss the time of the next conference call.
the possibilities are endless
7. always use a goblet
as an expert in fabricated self-importance, i carry a goblet on me at all times.
it doesn’t matter if the only things i’ve actually drank in the last week were brita, vitamin water, and raspberry kool-aid, nothing says, “damn, that’s obviously an important ass muthaf*cker” than the look on a confused chic-a-fila cashier’s face when you ask if she can fit your entire peach milkshake in a quarter liter goblet with “le champ” embroidered near the rim.
there you have it. seven surefire ways to always keep your bed warm, your inbox full, and your ass employed.
i’m sure i’m missing a few. any additions?