- yeah, b*tch. i know you see those feathers.
in order to efficiently survive a recession, a time putting excessive strain on employment, friendships, romance, and finance, you need to be able to sell yourself better than karrine stephens.
today, as another example of how seriously the verysmartbrothas take our crime-fighting ideals, the champ has decided to bless the vsb pulpit with seven recession-proof ways to make yourself seem much more important than you really are.
take notes and sh*t
1. initialize yourself
be creative. don’t let thomas dexter jakes and john pierpoint morgan have all of the fun.
for instance, if you’re sadly deemed cephus tyrone jackson on your drivers license, but your pops last name was smith, think of how much more aka and delta snatch you’d get with c.t. jackson smith on your business cards or stitched into your shirt cuffs.
while professional b*tches merely like the smiley face, they love upwardly mobile initialed n*ggas
2. dress unnecessarily and excessively formal
walking to the market district giant eagle to pick up some milk? throw on that $75 $500 suit you copped at banana republic‘s 85 percent off end of summer sale last week
first fridays at the club? two words: bowtie, b*tches.
if that doesn’t work? next time, three words: tux with tails
casual day at work? f*ck no. for you casual day doesn’t exist. be casual when you’re dead. so what if its 93 degrees and you’re at the company summer beach volleyball game, you’re damn important, and your sandy khakis and tweet blazer soaked in seven gallons of your important as hell sweat proves it.
3. rock lapel pins
as the champ continues to prove, nothing says “i’m important, b*tch. you must hire or fellate me immediately” like a shiny faux gold or aluminum pin attached to your suits. who cares if the pin itself actually came from a bulk pack of good & plenty’s, nobody pays attention to what those sh*ts actually say anyway
4. always put people on hold when they call
so what if you’re about as busy as black rob and and no one has actually called you in 197 hours, putting people immediately on hold as soon as they call you lets everyone know exactly how important you are.
this also gives them the pleasure of knowing that while your important ass has other important sh*t to do, they’re important enough to make you momentarily pause your important ass activity. a win win for all involved.
5. use big-ass words
why say “hey, i thought of a couple new ideas for work” when “hey, i metacognitivately allocated a novel paradigm shifting construct to augment our professional purlieus” works even better??
who cares if you’re likely to frequently induce aneurysms for your audience, you’re important dammit, and its their unimportant ass duty to figure your important ass out
6. organize meetings and sh*t
while you’re definitely important enough to do things by yourself, unnecessarily inviting other people to witness and participate in mundane sh*t only adds to your importance aura.
organize a group carpool to the dry cleaners. invite a dozen people over to watch espn desportes. call a staff meeting to discuss office fridge freezer ice replacement. make an 8 way group conference call to discuss the time of the next conference call.
the possibilities are endless
7. always use a goblet
as an expert in fabricated self-importance, i carry a goblet on me at all times.
it doesn’t matter if the only things i’ve actually drank in the last week were brita, vitamin water, and raspberry kool-aid, nothing says, “damn, that’s obviously an important ass muthaf*cker” than the look on a confused chic-a-fila cashier’s face when you ask if she can fit your entire peach milkshake in a quarter liter goblet with “le champ” embroidered near the rim.
there you have it. seven surefire ways to always keep your bed warm, your inbox full, and your ass employed.
i’m sure i’m missing a few. any additions?
—the champ
If you come dressed to the club in a tux, I think you get might more sales for bean pies and Final calls, then numbers
@eff yo couch, lmao!!! bean pies are the ish. the original though, i don’t do all the fancy flavors…but hey, according to this post maybe i should.
but..im not sure ANY kind of bean pie would be deemed that important, lol. oh well, i’ll sit my non-important arse on a bunch somewhere eating a bean pie.
i’ll be back in the am with more ways to be important.
@overitinNYC,
*smh* a black muslim hype about bean pie. could you be any more stereotypical??
@overitinNYC, “im not sure ANY kind of bean pie would be deemed that important,”
You have to be dressed up while eating the bean pie, with a large ring on whatever hand you eat with, while pretending to be on a conference call on a bluetooth. For guys the Malcolm X glasses (whose frame happen to match your tie) helps.
@overitinNYC,
“bean pies are the ish”
They ARE tasty. I remember as a kid, I thought they would be gross (because “bean pie” sounds like the soy equivalent of “mince meat pie”), but they are yummy. Haven’t had one in a hot min, though because it’s a recession.
@eff yo couch,
If you come dressed to the club in a tux, I think you get might more sales for bean pies and Final calls, then numbers
maybe its just a pittsburgh thing then, because we i happen to go out now i see groups of cats in there dressed like they were just in a wedding
@The Champ,
dudes did the bowtie thing hard core in ATL too. i know quite a few guys who live in diff parts of the country who rock them too.
@Gem of the Ocean, bowties are definitely the tie of self-absorbed i think i’m fly ninja.
i just can’t seem to tie mine right.
(joking, i actually don’t have a single bowtie and pretty much hate them…unless its in my pasta)
@Panama Jackson, bowtie pasta, eh? I’m a penne guy myself.
@Gem of the Ocean,
…guilty.
@Gem of the Ocean,
You would probably need one of Big Boi’s suits from Idlewild to pull off the bow-tie.
@Omar,
*sniggling*
@Gem of the Ocean,
not in my neck of the woods we dress hella casual wit jordans/nikes, jeans anda shirt wita collar fuqa bow tie wha i look like taye diggs
@BLUNTBLAZER,
“wha i look like taye diggs”
lol
@The Champ,
i think the nonsense is spreading. one of my boys had a rooftop party last summer. besides the fact that it was a ROOFTOP party, the evite jokingly had attire listed for ladies (heels, short shorts, etc.) and guys (no shorts sets).
why were there guys there in full on suits?!?!?!? i asked my boy about it, thinking maybe they had come straight to the party from somewhere else, trying to cut them some slack. nope. they were roasted endlessly. they wound up staying inside most of the night.
@SouthernGirl,
why were there guys there in full on suits?!?!?!? i asked my boy about it, thinking maybe they had come straight to the party from somewhere else, trying to cut them some slack. nope. they were roasted endlessly. they wound up staying inside most of the night.
they obviously all just came from somewhere extremely important
@The Champ,
I think should do a lesson on bowties.
1) If you have over a 20 inch neck, there is a reason it is difficult to find bow ties in your size, they know it looks dumb on you.
2) Bow ties already scream, “Hey look at me!”. When you wear a loud one it screams, “Hey, I’m the arsehole wearing a loud behind bow tie.”
3) And if I see another kneegrow in the club w/ an ascot on, I might fight.
@Peysonic Temple,
What in thee fook is an ascot?
A dude wearing one because of the name of said apparel alone is 84% gay.
@Dante_Alexander,
an overpriced scarf
@Peysonic Temple,
Wait… So not only is it called an “Ascot”, which in and of itself is a name that creates its own dirty imagery, but also a SCARF?
Dear Lord…
@Dante_Alexander,
Let me help you out…LMAO.
These have been envading around these parts also…*shaking my head*
http://www.bensilver.com/style04/knots_ascot.htm
@Dante_Alexander, think the red thing coming out of the shirt of Fred from Scooby Doo.
@Dante_Alexander,
I sometimes dab random chicks brows off with my scarf, and walk off like I did nothing. The facial expressions I get from this are priceless.
@Peysonic Temple,
Ascot’s should only be worn by people with british accents and titles of nobility. If one feels the need to fabricate said accent and title make sure your business cards have your (made up)title on it in front of you initials.
@Peysonic Temple,
3) And if I see another kneegrow in the club w/ an ascot on, I might fight.
luckily i havent seen this happen yet, because if i did i’d be tempted to beer spray that cat like the chick in the “nuthin but a g thing” vid
“can fit your entire peach milkshake in a quarter liter goblet with “le champ” embroidered near the rim.”
You are country and sh*t, Champ.
@An Uninspired Muse,
country deez
@An Uninspired Muse,
lol now that you highlight that comment i also remember that i wanted to ask the following: “how does one embroider something on nonfabric material, such as plastic, for your so-called goblet?”
@Gem of the Ocean,
He glued a piece of fabric on there first, duh
@Gem of the Ocean,
lol now that you highlight that comment i also remember that i wanted to ask the following: “how does one embroider something on nonfabric material, such as plastic, for your so-called goblet?”
you can engrave and sh*t also, although you risk the chance of being clowned at the engraving store because you asked them to engrave your name on a giant faux glass dave and busters goblet
@ the champ
and you can add being first to comment on VSB to the list
@eff yo couch, I have yet to pull that off cleanly…I gotta come with a post of substance and that digesting the initial post properly.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
a few months ago it was a literal death match, with multiple people leaving “first” comments at 12:02 until liz scared them away.
moral of the story: liz is important
I was feelimg this post till you said a goblet. A goblet? That’s very new to me, but I feel I’ve been following this for a while, I would add: if someone ask you an important question give an open ended word answer, it makes the person think alot more and gives you a regal look, trust me it works.
@Toussaintthefree,
or answering a question with another question
@Toussaintthefree,
That’s very new to me, but I feel I’ve been following this for a while, I would add: if someone ask you an important question give an open ended word answer, it makes the person think alot more and gives you a regal look, trust me it works.
what works even better is when someone is asking an extremely important question, and you walk away in mid-sentence. this show’s them that the question obviously isnt more important than you
@The Champ,
lmao
@Gem of the Ocean,
this famous coach did this to brian and i seven or so years ago while we were working at his camp. just turned around and walked away while brian was in mid-sentence. he also had cuffs on his khaki shorts, so that made him uber important
@Toussaintthefree, “gives you a regal look”
Or makes you look crazy. lol. I knew a guy who did this- it was so frustrating trying to talk to him.
@Toussaintthefree, yo son, my goblet game is vicious.
just yesterday my girl was like, what do you think you need to make your life better and i said, a new goblet with some blue diamonds around it. and it needs to say, chuuuch, in yellow diamonds.
yes, that would make my life complete.
@Panama Jackson,
The whole goblet thing just reminds me of Lil Jon!
@Ms. T,
Where is Lil Jon is he still alive?
He seems to have faded to obscurity right when the mess he helped spawn is at an all-time high…
Rappers with no lyrics should pay homage to Lil Jon.
@Omar,
“Where is Lil Jon is he still alive? ”
HAHA!
*Lil Jon pokes his head out of obscurity*
WHAAAAT?!
@Omar,
4real this is the first summer in hella years without a lil jon or nelly track wtf is up wit that
@ BLUNTBLAZER,
For some reason, I’m really okay with this.
@Omar,
Lil Jon said he came on the scene for just a couple of years to get some money screaming on records. Now he is just going to watch his paper stack! LOL
Real talk though, one would figure Lil Jon would just do like other producer cats: give his beats a new bounce and go for another run sliding them to others for a few more years.
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Salutations, my good man! It would appear that this list was perchance pilfered from the Morehouse Orientation Self-importance Seminar. Heretofore, especially #’s 2 and 5. Your matriculation was clearly several fortnights ago, however. You forgot:
8. Speak with a British accent. Especially if the license plates on your box-body say “Stars fell on…” Everybody has to respect a colored Englishman from Alabama. Especially on 24′s.
9. Post pics of your vacation on the facebooks in carefully timed waves. Makes it seem like you go to the Islands damn near every bloody month. And since all beaches look the same, you can claim you were anywhere, even if you were just in Daytona. “Shole is a lotta ni**az in the South of France. Who knew.”
10. Carry a copy of the Financial Times with you at all times. The Wall Street Journal says you own a couple of shares GE. If you got the pink paper from London, though, you’re a player. Karachi, Istanbul, Prague, whatever. You got holdings there. You wipe your a$$ with 100 Euro notes.
11. Pay your office admin an extra $10 to tell incoming callers and visitors “The Colonel will see you now.”
@Brandon St. Randy,
the british accent works greatly. its also good to learn a few french cuss words like the merovingian in the matrix
@The Champ,
British dude on 24′s in the country lol im thinkn undercover piggy
@BLUNTBLAZER,
lol
@Brandon St. Randy,
Co-sign on the Financial Times
@Brandon St. Randy,
dead @ “Everybody has to respect a colored Englishman from Alabama.”
i love faking a british accent. i’ve heard mine is quite convincing. and not only do i SOUND more important, i FEEL more important.
and you are spot on about this~~> “It would appear that this list was perchance pilfered from the Morehouse Orientation Self-importance Seminar.”
@Gem of the Ocean,
i love faking a british accent. i’ve heard mine is quite convincing. and not only do i SOUND more important, i FEEL more important.
whenever i try to do it i end up sounding like a n*gga from pittsburgh who spent a summer in australia.
@The Champ,
AHAHAHA!
I have a soft spot for the cockney, myself. ‘Allo govnah’ type mess.
@Brandon St. Randy, MFs in the office always reading the pink paper….. I LOL when you see them carrying it to the toilet. It’s so major you gotta read it in the john
@Brandon St. Randy, 8. Speak with a British accent. Especially if the license plates on your box-body say “Stars fell on…” Everybody has to respect a colored Englishman from Alabama. Especially on 24’s.
you must have known me at morehouse. lol.
@Brandon St. Randy, The accent thing….YES! I think everyone with a British accent is smart & important LOL!
@Brandon St. Randy,
“8. Speak with a British accent. ”
Stringer Bell knows this. I mean, I know he was already sorta smart cuz he went to college and worse glasses and ish, but when he broke out that real life Idris Elba voice? He became a Mensa member. All refined and ish. *swoon*
Hell, British homeless folks are classier than us. “Would you be a peach and spot me a quarter, good sir?”.
I have a few, and some of them are observed while others actually have worked…
1. Never say anything concretely. Sheet, it works for politicians, right? “I can neither confirm nor deny these reports” “Preliminary indications are that we cannot ascertain the exact location of the artifacts which you speak of” and sheet.
When someone asks you a question, you say something like “I cannot fully describe what it is you’re asking me to describe. The exact location of said answer lies not with me” or some sheet… Never mind the chick asked you where the bathroom was.
2. Have a lackey. Seriously. For whatever reason, that lil bitty dog on Looney Tunes thought Spike was big and tough. But he’d never actually SEEN him fight or some sheet. Then when the lil doggie beats the lucky cat, Spike won’t stop being a lil beetch and doing whatever he says. Get you one of those. Why? Nothing says “powerful dude” like watching him emasculate another dude. TELL me Diddy ain’t drop a few draws JUST by bossing a homosexual Farnsworth Bentley around. You do something like THAT in a crowded place and don’t get your arse whooped… hell you MUST be important.
3. Say nothing, but carry a shiny arse Platinum Card and a nice smile. Just trust me. Whipping out your knot of “big faced Huuuunnnnniiiiiits” ain’t actually the biz, chief, unless you at the Body Tap… and them chicks ain’t gunnin for YOU, homie. Especially when it’s to pay for your white wine spritzer you lil beetch. Try a breath mint, and a Visa.
4. Give Daps and Pounds to random arse people. I’ve SEEN this work. When you talk to the bouncers and get in, dap em up. When you get a drink, dap up the ‘tender. When you get waited on, if the waitstaff’s hands aren’t full or covered with wasabi and Gin, dap him/her up. For some reason, it’s still all about who you know, so even if you don’t know anybody, you win. Really. As long as you don’t give an elongated and/or gay shake with only your fingertips or some sheet and the people you dap look at you like “That was the gayest handshake ever”. That would be counterproductive.
4. Be the designated driver, but have at least one drink in your hand. This may sound confusing, but make sure the group you’re going out with is HAMMERED drunk. Make sure there are a couple females in the group, too. Tell them you’ll hold onto all their money the whole night so they don’t do anything stupid. They’ll come to you throughout the night to cop the drinks and everything, and people will take notice, because they are nothing but gold diggers who want the ninja with the most cheese. After a while, people will come up to you as if you are a boss of some sort and strike up convo. This only works in clubs with small VIP sections, by the way. If they have a large one and you’re not in it, you’re just a douche designated driver.
@Dante_Alexander,
LOL! That list right there…so true. I think that’s a prerequisite for graduating from 830 Westview Drive SW. Come on cuz, why are you dappin’ the bathroom attendant…(smh)
Bond.
@BlkBond,
Because the bathroom attendant graduated from that very address a few years earlier. This is his “Side Hustle”.
Which should also have gone on my list…
@Dante_Alexander,
bathroom attendent? i thought those were only in the movies
@BLUNTBLAZER, hell, I thought those were only in L.A. clubs.
@BLUNTBLAZER, they are all over DC…. can’t dry your hands without feeling a guilty pang about not tipping the chick for handing you a paper towel
@klysha, I strictly get my own towel, because I ain’t tippin’ SHET to some dude standing in a restroom. And no, I don’t want to buy gum or candy in the restroom either.
@Dante_Alexander,
10 points for working ‘wasabi’ into this post.
@Dante_Alexander, The dap thing is true.
@Dante_Alexander,
pray-tell, if you’re a cat who prefers to always hold two drinks at the same time, how do i dap everyone?
btw, using “pray-tell” in a sentence is 63.7 percent gay
@The Champ,
If you insist on carry two drinks at once, you must follow these instructions:
1. Always START sipping one as soon as someone approaches and even LOOKS at you. IMportant people only care about their drink instead of live personal contact.
2. When someone walks up to you whilst you’re drinking, lean towards them with your off elbow and extend. They should oblige.
OR, you can extend the elbow you’re drinking with towards them, but that is only reserved for people you actually KNOW. It is also 76% gay when you do it this way to another dude. Why you want him all close to your face, b?
@Dante_Alexander,
2. When someone walks up to you whilst you’re drinking, lean towards them with your off elbow and extend. They should oblige.
this works, as does the slight head-nod of “i know im important, but you’re important enough to acknowledge” importance
@Dante_Alexander,
We might as well pack up and go home now, you just shut this post down.
Especially with the dap thing, I thought I was the only one who knew/did that lol
@Dorian G., definitely not the only people. i’m notorious for doing this.
though one of my boys topped this. freshman year we’re walking down the strip in the AUC and this fool sees a group of 6 chicks walking towards us.
what does he do?
opens his arms like he’s going to hug one of them. only problem is, he didn’t know any of them and none of them realized he didn’t know any of them either. so they parted liek the red sea while they wre trying to figure out who he was trying to hug…LOL. me and my boys died laughign as one of the chicks said, “ewww, who does he think he is…”
i think it fits.
@Dante_Alexander,
LOL @ your dissertation on how to seem more important even if you’re not. i mean the detailed description of the level of commitment you have to have to pull these things off is impressive.
cheerio.
@Gem of the Ocean,
Nothing says “I’m more important than you” like approaching how you’re going to falsely elevate your status like an assassination attempt on the president.
Discipline and wearing Prada to the Piggly Wiggly is what gets you noticed.
@Dante_Alexander,
You said it all. This is the list. This list is the reason that I seem so much important than I really am lol
I had one of them peach milkshakes yesterday…them joints is fiyah!
Oh and I almost choked on my coca cola @bowtie bitches
@shay-D-lady, Yeah peach milkshake are delicious. Have you tried the cookies and cream milkshake?
@Lr1127, have I tried them? s hyt I had to go through a 12 step program to move on to peach joint! LOL
@Lr1127,
The cookies and cream is the junk.
IDK—the thought of a peach milkshake is making my stomach turn.
@miss t-lee,
4real peach milkshake? dam yall cuntry lol
@BLUNTBLAZER,
Call Chick Fil-A country…not me…lol
(even though I am hella country at times)
@miss t-lee, girl that peach milkshake is delicious..not at all what you picture..
@shay_d_lady,
The jury is still out…I might get brave and try it one day.
@shay_d_lady,
that peach milkshake is delicious..not at all what you picture..
strangely enough, i heard the exact same thing about…
…wait, nevermind. its a thursday. im gonna play nice
@shay-D-lady,
you know, i still havent actually tried the peach either. i refuse to move from cookies and cream
@The Champ,
yo tambien.
@The Champ, grown ass mean drinking a cookies and cream milkshake?
41.8 percent gay
peach HAS to be like 64 percent gay straight up
@Panama Jackson,
Milkshakes and grown men are suspect no matter the flavor. Grown men should also not drink Rootbeer floats.
@Legendary Dash,
Milkshakes and grown men are suspect no matter the flavor. Grown men should also not drink Rootbeer floats.
i agree, but thats a bit of gayness im willing to swallow
that sentence was 92.7 percent gay, btw.
@shay-D-lady,
Speaking of milkshakes and how ghey they are:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmOCYNlJa5g
That is proof that they are ghey.
Ok, I’m over here rollin’. WHY did he squeeze his man tig ol’ bitties together…he’s making it worse! Idiot…lol
always look down at people. even if you’re shorter than everybody.
@charli skipper,
so true. i’m 5’2, but i do this sh!t all the time.
nothing makes a b!tch feel smaller.
those of you in the ap section, try it sitting down. that makes it work-suitable.
@charli skipper,
“always look down at people. even if you’re shorter than everybody.”
lol, this reminds me of the glorious Bernie Mac “Milk and Cookies” segment when the short little sister who ran everything (“Where the cookies and sh*t”) looked Bernie Mac up and down “like [he] was short”. lmao
Ladies get Overly Dressed complete with oversize sunglasses, BlackBerry and a oversize bag on your wrist (because you have no job), to go to places like Starbucks. And talk on your phone while placing your order, nothing says important than the person who can walk into Starbucks and order a Venti, Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte with three splenda hold the whip. And you must say it fast like you drink these everyday.
@JamaicanGirl, Whoa…You cut deep with the lack of job thing. Thank goodness I don’t drink coffee!
@JamaicanGirl,
……………..i’m so ashamed…..except for the talking on the phone or having a blackberry, i did this all the time before i graduated last month…….and what! lol
@charli skipper, I admit i am guilty of some of this but i am only dressed up because i have somewhere to go after i leave there. The sunglasses and the BB is a staple to every outfit.
@JamaicanGirl, females have that phone sh*t down pat…whether it’s looking like they must not be interrupted when the phone is to their ear or blacking out completely like an X-Man as they dive into their texts or sweet tweets. Very self-important and very douchey.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
I hope they realize it makes them a target for violent crimes.
Both because they really have no fooking idea what’s going on about them from being distracted by the phone convo, or the fact that they’re speaking loudly about trivial dumb sheet that makes everyone else want to murder them eee-mee-jate-lee.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
whether it’s looking like they must not be interrupted when the phone is to their ear or blacking out completely like an X-Man as they dive into their texts or sweet tweets
lol, what kills me are the chicks who’ll be on the train texting away at 7:30 on the way to work. “who the hell can they possibly be talking to this early???” is usually the message i immediately post on twitter
@The Champ, we’re here on that, fam. Same women who don’t want any men not their bf to hit them up a minute before noon. I think a lot of them just like the act of texting. Maybe it’s akin to this Blackberry addiction I keep hearing about…
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
“Same women who don’t want any men not their bf to hit them up a minute before noon”
please, that’s being nice. i don’t want nobody, male or female, calling my house before 11 am. if you ain’t seen me nekkid, you don’t get the sexy morning voice. it’s rules and regulations to this sh!t, lol.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, Dante, & The Champ
um…bitter much? don’t be like that.
The hit dog charli skipper must be the girl who engages in this behavior
@charli skipper,
bitter deez