Lists, Theory & Essay

shake and bake: 7 surefire ways to make yourself seem much more important than you really are

yeah, b*tch. i know you see those feathers.
yeah, b*tch. i know you see those feathers.

in order to efficiently survive a recession, a time putting excessive strain on employment, friendships, romance, and finance, you need to be able to sell yourself better than karrine stephens.

today, as another example of how seriously the verysmartbrothas take our crime-fighting ideals, the champ has decided to bless the vsb pulpit with seven recession-proof ways to make yourself seem much more important than you really are.

take notes and sh*t

1. initialize yourself

be creative. don’t let thomas dexter jakes and john pierpoint morgan have all of the fun.

for instance, if you’re sadly deemed cephus tyrone jackson on your drivers license, but your pops last name was smith, think of how much more aka and delta snatch you’d get with c.t. jackson smith on your business cards or stitched into your shirt cuffs.

while professional b*tches merely like the smiley face, they love upwardly mobile initialed n*ggas

2. dress unnecessarily and excessively formal

bowtie-nigga

walking to the market district giant eagle to pick up some milk? throw on that $75 $500 suit you copped at banana republic‘s 85 percent off end of summer sale last week

first fridays at the club? two words: bowtie, b*tches.

if that doesn’t work? next time, three words: tux with tails

casual day at work? f*ck no. for you casual day doesn’t exist. be casual when you’re dead. so what if its 93 degrees and you’re at the company summer beach volleyball game, you’re damn important, and your sandy khakis and tweet blazer soaked in seven gallons of your important as hell sweat proves it.

3. rock lapel pins

champ

as the champ continues to prove, nothing says “i’m important, b*tch. you must hire or fellate me immediately” like a shiny faux gold or aluminum pin attached to your suits. who cares if the pin itself actually came from a bulk pack of good & plenty’s, nobody pays attention to what those sh*ts actually say anyway

4. always put people on hold when they call

so what if you’re about as busy as black rob and and no one has actually called you in 197 hours, putting people immediately on hold as soon as they call you lets everyone know exactly how important you are.

this also gives them the pleasure of knowing that while your important ass has other important sh*t to do, they’re important enough to make you momentarily pause your important ass activity. a win win for all involved.

5. use big-ass words

why say hey, i thought of a couple new ideas for work” when “hey, i metacognitivately allocated a novel paradigm shifting construct to augment our professional purlieusworks even better??

who cares if you’re likely to frequently induce aneurysms for your audience, you’re important dammit, and its their unimportant ass duty to figure your important ass out

6. organize meetings and sh*t

while you’re definitely important enough to do things by yourself, unnecessarily inviting other people to witness and participate in mundane sh*t only adds to your importance aura.

organize a group carpool to the dry cleaners. invite a dozen people over to watch espn desportes. call a staff meeting to discuss office fridge freezer ice replacement. make an 8 way group conference call to discuss the time of the next conference call.

the possibilities are endless

7. always use a goblet

as an expert in fabricated self-importance, i carry a goblet on me at all times.

it doesn’t matter if the only things i’ve actually drank in the last week were brita, vitamin water, and raspberry kool-aid, nothing says, “damn, that’s obviously an important ass muthaf*cker” than the look on a confused chic-a-fila cashier’s face when you ask if she can fit your entire peach milkshake in a quarter liter goblet with “le champ” embroidered near the rim.

there you have it. seven surefire ways to always keep your bed warm, your inbox full, and your ass employed.

i’m sure i’m missing a few. any additions?

—the champ

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • eff yo couch

    If you come dressed to the club in a tux, I think you get might more sales for bean pies and Final calls, then numbers

    • overitinNYC

      @eff yo couch, lmao!!! bean pies are the ish. the original though, i don’t do all the fancy flavors…but hey, according to this post maybe i should.

      but..im not sure ANY kind of bean pie would be deemed that important, lol. oh well, i’ll sit my non-important arse on a bunch somewhere eating a bean pie.

      i’ll be back in the am with more ways to be important.

      • Gem of the Ocean

        @overitinNYC,

        *smh* a black muslim hype about bean pie. could you be any more stereotypical??

      • Gem of the Ocean

        @overitinNYC,

        *smh* a black muslim hype about bean pie. could you be any more stereotypical??

      • Omar

        @overitinNYC, “im not sure ANY kind of bean pie would be deemed that important,”

        You have to be dressed up while eating the bean pie, with a large ring on whatever hand you eat with, while pretending to be on a conference call on a bluetooth. For guys the Malcolm X glasses (whose frame happen to match your tie) helps.

      • Omar

        @overitinNYC, “im not sure ANY kind of bean pie would be deemed that important,”

        You have to be dressed up while eating the bean pie, with a large ring on whatever hand you eat with, while pretending to be on a conference call on a bluetooth. For guys the Malcolm X glasses (whose frame happen to match your tie) helps.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @overitinNYC,

        “bean pies are the ish”

        They ARE tasty. I remember as a kid, I thought they would be gross (because “bean pie” sounds like the soy equivalent of “mince meat pie”), but they are yummy. Haven’t had one in a hot min, though because it’s a recession.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @overitinNYC,

        “bean pies are the ish”

        They ARE tasty. I remember as a kid, I thought they would be gross (because “bean pie” sounds like the soy equivalent of “mince meat pie”), but they are yummy. Haven’t had one in a hot min, though because it’s a recession.

    • overitinNYC

      @eff yo couch, lmao!!! bean pies are the ish. the original though, i don’t do all the fancy flavors…but hey, according to this post maybe i should.

      but..im not sure ANY kind of bean pie would be deemed that important, lol. oh well, i’ll sit my non-important arse on a bunch somewhere eating a bean pie.

      i’ll be back in the am with more ways to be important.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @eff yo couch,

      If you come dressed to the club in a tux, I think you get might more sales for bean pies and Final calls, then numbers

      maybe its just a pittsburgh thing then, because we i happen to go out now i see groups of cats in there dressed like they were just in a wedding

      • Gem of the Ocean

        @The Champ,

        dudes did the bowtie thing hard core in ATL too. i know quite a few guys who live in diff parts of the country who rock them too.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @Gem of the Ocean, bowties are definitely the tie of self-absorbed i think i’m fly ninja.

          i just can’t seem to tie mine right.

          (joking, i actually don’t have a single bowtie and pretty much hate them…unless its in my pasta)

          • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

            @Panama Jackson, bowtie pasta, eh? I’m a penne guy myself.

          • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

            @Panama Jackson, bowtie pasta, eh? I’m a penne guy myself.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @Gem of the Ocean, bowties are definitely the tie of self-absorbed i think i’m fly ninja.

          i just can’t seem to tie mine right.

          (joking, i actually don’t have a single bowtie and pretty much hate them…unless its in my pasta)

        • AkShone

          @Gem of the Ocean,

          …guilty.

        • AkShone

          @Gem of the Ocean,

          …guilty.

        • Omar

          @Gem of the Ocean,

          You would probably need one of Big Boi’s suits from Idlewild to pull off the bow-tie.

          • miss t-lee

            @Omar,
            *sniggling*

          • miss t-lee

            @Omar,
            *sniggling*

        • Omar

          @Gem of the Ocean,

          You would probably need one of Big Boi’s suits from Idlewild to pull off the bow-tie.

        • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

          @Gem of the Ocean,
          not in my neck of the woods we dress hella casual wit jordans/nikes, jeans anda shirt wita collar fuqa bow tie wha i look like taye diggs

          • Honey Bee

            @BLUNTBLAZER,

            “wha i look like taye diggs”

            lol

          • Honey Bee

            @BLUNTBLAZER,

            “wha i look like taye diggs”

            lol

        • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

          @Gem of the Ocean,
          not in my neck of the woods we dress hella casual wit jordans/nikes, jeans anda shirt wita collar fuqa bow tie wha i look like taye diggs

      • Gem of the Ocean

        @The Champ,

        dudes did the bowtie thing hard core in ATL too. i know quite a few guys who live in diff parts of the country who rock them too.

      • SouthernGirl

        @The Champ,

        i think the nonsense is spreading. one of my boys had a rooftop party last summer. besides the fact that it was a ROOFTOP party, the evite jokingly had attire listed for ladies (heels, short shorts, etc.) and guys (no shorts sets).

        why were there guys there in full on suits?!?!?!? i asked my boy about it, thinking maybe they had come straight to the party from somewhere else, trying to cut them some slack. nope. they were roasted endlessly. they wound up staying inside most of the night.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @SouthernGirl,

          why were there guys there in full on suits?!?!?!? i asked my boy about it, thinking maybe they had come straight to the party from somewhere else, trying to cut them some slack. nope. they were roasted endlessly. they wound up staying inside most of the night.

          they obviously all just came from somewhere extremely important

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @SouthernGirl,

          why were there guys there in full on suits?!?!?!? i asked my boy about it, thinking maybe they had come straight to the party from somewhere else, trying to cut them some slack. nope. they were roasted endlessly. they wound up staying inside most of the night.

          they obviously all just came from somewhere extremely important

      • SouthernGirl

        @The Champ,

        i think the nonsense is spreading. one of my boys had a rooftop party last summer. besides the fact that it was a ROOFTOP party, the evite jokingly had attire listed for ladies (heels, short shorts, etc.) and guys (no shorts sets).

        why were there guys there in full on suits?!?!?!? i asked my boy about it, thinking maybe they had come straight to the party from somewhere else, trying to cut them some slack. nope. they were roasted endlessly. they wound up staying inside most of the night.

      • Peysonic Temple

        @The Champ,

        I think should do a lesson on bowties.
        1) If you have over a 20 inch neck, there is a reason it is difficult to find bow ties in your size, they know it looks dumb on you.
        2) Bow ties already scream, “Hey look at me!”. When you wear a loud one it screams, “Hey, I’m the arsehole wearing a loud behind bow tie.”
        3) And if I see another kneegrow in the club w/ an ascot on, I might fight.

        • http://www.twitter.com/jalexanderh Dante_Alexander

          @Peysonic Temple,

          What in thee fook is an ascot?

          A dude wearing one because of the name of said apparel alone is 84% gay.

          • Peysonic Temple

            @Dante_Alexander,
            an overpriced scarf

          • Peysonic Temple

            @Dante_Alexander,
            an overpriced scarf

          • http://www.twitter.com/jalexanderh Dante_Alexander

            @Peysonic Temple,

            Wait… So not only is it called an “Ascot”, which in and of itself is a name that creates its own dirty imagery, but also a SCARF?

            Dear Lord…

          • http://www.twitter.com/jalexanderh Dante_Alexander

            @Peysonic Temple,

            Wait… So not only is it called an “Ascot”, which in and of itself is a name that creates its own dirty imagery, but also a SCARF?

            Dear Lord…

          • miss t-lee

            @Dante_Alexander,

            Let me help you out…LMAO.
            These have been envading around these parts also…*shaking my head*

            http://www.bensilver.com/style04/knots_ascot.htm

          • miss t-lee

            @Dante_Alexander,

            Let me help you out…LMAO.
            These have been envading around these parts also…*shaking my head*

            http://www.bensilver.com/style04/knots_ascot.htm

          • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

            @Dante_Alexander, think the red thing coming out of the shirt of Fred from Scooby Doo.

          • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

            @Dante_Alexander, think the red thing coming out of the shirt of Fred from Scooby Doo.

          • http://twitter.com/ReverendDrDash Legendary Dash

            @Dante_Alexander,
            I sometimes dab random chicks brows off with my scarf, and walk off like I did nothing. The facial expressions I get from this are priceless.

          • http://twitter.com/ReverendDrDash Legendary Dash

            @Dante_Alexander,
            I sometimes dab random chicks brows off with my scarf, and walk off like I did nothing. The facial expressions I get from this are priceless.

        • http://www.twitter.com/jalexanderh Dante_Alexander

          @Peysonic Temple,

          What in thee fook is an ascot?

          A dude wearing one because of the name of said apparel alone is 84% gay.

        • Omar

          @Peysonic Temple,

          Ascot’s should only be worn by people with british accents and titles of nobility. If one feels the need to fabricate said accent and title make sure your business cards have your (made up)title on it in front of you initials.

        • Omar

          @Peysonic Temple,

          Ascot’s should only be worn by people with british accents and titles of nobility. If one feels the need to fabricate said accent and title make sure your business cards have your (made up)title on it in front of you initials.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Peysonic Temple,

          3) And if I see another kneegrow in the club w/ an ascot on, I might fight.

          luckily i havent seen this happen yet, because if i did i’d be tempted to beer spray that cat like the chick in the “nuthin but a g thing” vid

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Peysonic Temple,

          3) And if I see another kneegrow in the club w/ an ascot on, I might fight.

          luckily i havent seen this happen yet, because if i did i’d be tempted to beer spray that cat like the chick in the “nuthin but a g thing” vid

      • Peysonic Temple

        @The Champ,

        I think should do a lesson on bowties.
        1) If you have over a 20 inch neck, there is a reason it is difficult to find bow ties in your size, they know it looks dumb on you.
        2) Bow ties already scream, “Hey look at me!”. When you wear a loud one it screams, “Hey, I’m the arsehole wearing a loud behind bow tie.”
        3) And if I see another kneegrow in the club w/ an ascot on, I might fight.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @eff yo couch,

      If you come dressed to the club in a tux, I think you get might more sales for bean pies and Final calls, then numbers

      maybe its just a pittsburgh thing then, because we i happen to go out now i see groups of cats in there dressed like they were just in a wedding

  • eff yo couch

    If you come dressed to the club in a tux, I think you get might more sales for bean pies and Final calls, then numbers

  • http://myspace...iguess An Uninspired Muse

    “can fit your entire peach milkshake in a quarter liter goblet with “le champ” embroidered near the rim.”

    You are country and sh*t, Champ.

    :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @An Uninspired Muse,

      country deez

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @An Uninspired Muse,

      country deez

    • Gem of the Ocean

      @An Uninspired Muse,

      lol now that you highlight that comment i also remember that i wanted to ask the following: “how does one embroider something on nonfabric material, such as plastic, for your so-called goblet?”

      • Peysonic Temple

        @Gem of the Ocean,

        He glued a piece of fabric on there first, duh

      • Peysonic Temple

        @Gem of the Ocean,

        He glued a piece of fabric on there first, duh

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Gem of the Ocean,

        lol now that you highlight that comment i also remember that i wanted to ask the following: “how does one embroider something on nonfabric material, such as plastic, for your so-called goblet?”

        you can engrave and sh*t also, although you risk the chance of being clowned at the engraving store because you asked them to engrave your name on a giant faux glass dave and busters goblet

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Gem of the Ocean,

        lol now that you highlight that comment i also remember that i wanted to ask the following: “how does one embroider something on nonfabric material, such as plastic, for your so-called goblet?”

        you can engrave and sh*t also, although you risk the chance of being clowned at the engraving store because you asked them to engrave your name on a giant faux glass dave and busters goblet

    • Gem of the Ocean

      @An Uninspired Muse,

      lol now that you highlight that comment i also remember that i wanted to ask the following: “how does one embroider something on nonfabric material, such as plastic, for your so-called goblet?”

  • http://myspace...iguess An Uninspired Muse

    “can fit your entire peach milkshake in a quarter liter goblet with “le champ” embroidered near the rim.”

    You are country and sh*t, Champ.

    :)

  • eff yo couch

    @ the champ

    and you can add being first to comment on VSB to the list

    • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

      @eff yo couch, I have yet to pull that off cleanly…I gotta come with a post of substance and that digesting the initial post properly.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

        a few months ago it was a literal death match, with multiple people leaving “first” comments at 12:02 until liz scared them away.

        moral of the story: liz is important

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

        a few months ago it was a literal death match, with multiple people leaving “first” comments at 12:02 until liz scared them away.

        moral of the story: liz is important

    • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

      @eff yo couch, I have yet to pull that off cleanly…I gotta come with a post of substance and that digesting the initial post properly.

  • eff yo couch

    @ the champ

    and you can add being first to comment on VSB to the list

  • Toussaintthefree

    I was feelimg this post till you said a goblet. A goblet? That’s very new to me, but I feel I’ve been following this for a while, I would add: if someone ask you an important question give an open ended word answer, it makes the person think alot more and gives you a regal look, trust me it works.

    • eff yo couch

      @Toussaintthefree,

      or answering a question with another question

    • eff yo couch

      @Toussaintthefree,

      or answering a question with another question

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Toussaintthefree,

      That’s very new to me, but I feel I’ve been following this for a while, I would add: if someone ask you an important question give an open ended word answer, it makes the person think alot more and gives you a regal look, trust me it works.

      what works even better is when someone is asking an extremely important question, and you walk away in mid-sentence. this show’s them that the question obviously isnt more important than you

      • Gem of the Ocean

        @The Champ,

        lmao

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Gem of the Ocean,

          this famous coach did this to brian and i seven or so years ago while we were working at his camp. just turned around and walked away while brian was in mid-sentence. he also had cuffs on his khaki shorts, so that made him uber important

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Gem of the Ocean,

          this famous coach did this to brian and i seven or so years ago while we were working at his camp. just turned around and walked away while brian was in mid-sentence. he also had cuffs on his khaki shorts, so that made him uber important

      • Gem of the Ocean

        @The Champ,

        lmao

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Toussaintthefree,

      That’s very new to me, but I feel I’ve been following this for a while, I would add: if someone ask you an important question give an open ended word answer, it makes the person think alot more and gives you a regal look, trust me it works.

      what works even better is when someone is asking an extremely important question, and you walk away in mid-sentence. this show’s them that the question obviously isnt more important than you

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @Toussaintthefree, “gives you a regal look”

      Or makes you look crazy. lol. I knew a guy who did this- it was so frustrating trying to talk to him.

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @Toussaintthefree, “gives you a regal look”

      Or makes you look crazy. lol. I knew a guy who did this- it was so frustrating trying to talk to him.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Toussaintthefree, yo son, my goblet game is vicious.

      just yesterday my girl was like, what do you think you need to make your life better and i said, a new goblet with some blue diamonds around it. and it needs to say, chuuuch, in yellow diamonds.

      yes, that would make my life complete.

      • Ms. T

        @Panama Jackson,

        The whole goblet thing just reminds me of Lil Jon!

        • Omar

          @Ms. T,

          Where is Lil Jon is he still alive?

          He seems to have faded to obscurity right when the mess he helped spawn is at an all-time high…

          Rappers with no lyrics should pay homage to Lil Jon.

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Omar,

            “Where is Lil Jon is he still alive? ”

            HAHA!

            *Lil Jon pokes his head out of obscurity*

            WHAAAAT?!

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Omar,

            “Where is Lil Jon is he still alive? ”

            HAHA!

            *Lil Jon pokes his head out of obscurity*

            WHAAAAT?!

          • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

            @Omar,
            4real this is the first summer in hella years without a lil jon or nelly track wtf is up wit that

          • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

            @Omar,
            4real this is the first summer in hella years without a lil jon or nelly track wtf is up wit that

          • miss t-lee

            @ BLUNTBLAZER,
            For some reason, I’m really okay with this.

          • miss t-lee

            @ BLUNTBLAZER,
            For some reason, I’m really okay with this.

          • Ms. T

            @Omar,
            Lil Jon said he came on the scene for just a couple of years to get some money screaming on records. Now he is just going to watch his paper stack! LOL

          • Ms. T

            @Omar,
            Lil Jon said he came on the scene for just a couple of years to get some money screaming on records. Now he is just going to watch his paper stack! LOL

          • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

            Real talk though, one would figure Lil Jon would just do like other producer cats: give his beats a new bounce and go for another run sliding them to others for a few more years.

          • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

            Real talk though, one would figure Lil Jon would just do like other producer cats: give his beats a new bounce and go for another run sliding them to others for a few more years.

        • Omar

          @Ms. T,

          Where is Lil Jon is he still alive?

          He seems to have faded to obscurity right when the mess he helped spawn is at an all-time high…

          Rappers with no lyrics should pay homage to Lil Jon.

      • Ms. T

        @Panama Jackson,

        The whole goblet thing just reminds me of Lil Jon!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Toussaintthefree, yo son, my goblet game is vicious.

      just yesterday my girl was like, what do you think you need to make your life better and i said, a new goblet with some blue diamonds around it. and it needs to say, chuuuch, in yellow diamonds.

      yes, that would make my life complete.

  • Toussaintthefree

    I was feelimg this post till you said a goblet. A goblet? That’s very new to me, but I feel I’ve been following this for a while, I would add: if someone ask you an important question give an open ended word answer, it makes the person think alot more and gives you a regal look, trust me it works.

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