Seven Things To Do When You’re Still High From The Cavs’ Victory And You Don’t Know What To Do With Yourself
Last night, the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors 93 to 89. It was game seven of the NBA Finals, and if you win game seven of a series, it means you win the series. This means the Cavs, not the Warriors, are the NBA champions.
I am happy about this. So happy that I’m currently eating a slice of lukewarm pizza that I…
A) ordered last night and didn’t bother putting way before bed because I was so high off of the Cavs’ win that I just didn’t do it because nothing else mattered
B) didn’t even bother microwaving this morning because the Cavs won; which means you can make anything true if you believe it hard enough…which is how I’m convincing myself that this 64 degree pizza is actually warm
Anyway, if you are like me and you can’t quite figure out what to do with yourself this morning, here’s a few relevant to the moment suggestions.
1. Re-watch Lebron’s other-worldly chasedown block
The only thing I can really say about this is that I’m confident no other human on Earth could have done this. A hawk, perhaps. Maybe even Donald Trump after a lab experiment gone awry turns him into arch supervillian Cheeto Jesus. But no other human being.
Also, if you happen to live within a three mile radius of Pittsburgh’s Northside, and you happened to be sleep at approximately 10:30 pm last night, and you also happened to be jolted awake by a hysterical yelp bouncing through the sky, my bad. In my defense, the scream was a perfectly understandable and justified result of seeing this play. So sorry. But I aint sorry. Sorry. I aint sorry.
2. Find and read shitty takes published two weeks ago on Kyrie Irving
My favorite is this one from Deadspin’s resident Warriors sycophant Kevin Draper. In his piece, aptly titled “How Good Is Kyrie Irving, Really?“, Draper questions whether the Cavs are better without him. The best part is this sentence:
Despite this, he has a max contract, a signature shoe deal, three All-Star games, an appearance on the 2014 FIBA Basketball World Cup team, and all the other trappings associated with being one of the league’s superstars.
Here, Draper suggests that Kyrie isn’t deserving of the accolades he’s received so far in his career, and it’s phrased in a way to imply he was gifted these things. And, to make his point even stronger, he conveniently neglects to mention that Kyrie was named MVP of one of those All-Star games and that his “appearance” on the 2014 FIBA Basketball World Cup team led to him being named MVP there too.
3. While you’re at it, find the first recorded instance of me mentioning Kyrie’s name on VSB
I’ll save you the trouble. It’s here, in a 2011 piece about the 30 for 30 Fab Five documentary and Grant Hill.
(Edit: Shit, I was wrong. I mentioned him even earlier than that, in a 2010 piece about season four of The Wire. Moral of the story: I’m so right that I’m even righter than I thought I was.)
4. Think of creative ways for Skip Bayless to doubt Lebron’s greatness and/or throw shade on his legacy
Because you know he’s going to do it. (Shit, he did it already last night.) So why not beat him to the punch?
5. Get verklempt at J.R. Smith’s emotional press conference
Someone must be cutting some onions or something nearby. Please, whoever is cutting those onions, please stop cutting those onions because I can’t take it!
6. Get pissed when remembering that the Cavs are owned by Dan Gilbert, one of the three or four worst people in professional sports
Because what’s not to love about a roach twat of a man who made his billions through predatory loans and is the author of the single worst (and most entertaining) piece of 21st century literature?
7. Get whiplash at how quickly the general public sentiment has turned on the Curry family
The country placing the Currys on a pedestal and then kicking them off it at the first sign of “Hey, maybe these people are just nice and normal and flawed people and not the perfect post-racial family we elevated them to be” is just as predictable as it is problematic. And nothing encapsulates this sudden change better than this Vine of Dell Curry (father of Steph) getting dabbed on after last night’s game.
Either you die a villain, or you live long enough to be at the wrong end of America’s predilection for depedestalization.