Lists, Pop Culture, Race & Politics

Seven Reasons Why I’m Totally Not Upset About Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” Movie

1. I realize it’s blasphemous for an educated and “enlightened” black person to say this in an open space, but I don’t dislike Steve Harvey. In fact, all of my Steve Harvey-related experiences — watching his act on Def Comedy Jam, seeing him when the Kings of Comedy came to Pittsburgh, listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Show in the way to work, rocking a purple suit to my middle school semi-formal, etc — have been positive ones¹. And, while I haven’t read either of his books, the excerpts I’ve seen have actually been ***ducking thunderbolts from Bentley, the black God of self-righteousness*** on point.

Even if he’s a shameless, opportunistic, zootsuited, hypocritical chickenhawk, being a shameless, opportunistic, zootsuited, hypocritical chickenhawk doesn’t make “waiting three months to give up the cookies” a wrong concept. Plus, lets not kid ourselves. As the questions I receive at Madame Noire each week prove, there are women who do need to hear things like “If he’s serving a life term, maybe you should consider dating other people” and “He’s probably just not that into you if you found him in bed with the Sears delivery man.

Since this is true, I can’t be mad at the upcoming “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” movie — starring Chris Brown (more on him in a sec), Michael Ealy, Gabrielle Union (What? You thought there was a chance in hell that she wasn’t going to be in this movie?), and others. Hell, I might even break my self-imposed black movie box office boycott² and buy a ticket.

2. I kind of suspect that I’m the shit. Actually, this is a lie. I’m pretty damn certain that I’m the shit, but I just need a little more evidence to cross the line from “pretty damn certain” to “100% convinced.”

Why am I bringing this up? Well, if Chris Brown is set to star in what will most likely be a completely contrived romantic comedy with predictable casting and (probable) Christian overtones in the same year that I invented a screenplay where…Chris Brown starred in a completely contrived romantic comedy with predictable casting and Christian overtones, this is all the proof I’ll need to be fully convinced that I am, indeed, the shit.

3. My two favorite tiny funny black men — Kevin Hart and Romany Malco — are in this movie, which means they might possibly reenact one of my favorite movie scenes of all time.

(You know what the funniest part about this scene is? Well, the funniest part aside from “we f*ck dwarfs in the ass?” It’s not actually in the movie. This is a deleted/extended scene. In the theater version, all the gang jibberish is cut out, and Kevin Hart only has like three lines. )

4. Meagan Good has also been cast, which means that she’ll probably break the Guinness record for “Most Consecutive Screen Appearances As A Big-Tiddied Hoodrat“— a title currently held by (tie)Paula Jai Parker and Jennifer Tilly. Godspeed, Meagan. Godspeed.

5. Back to Blonde Breezy. Although I’ve been very critical of Chris Brown’s “redemption” in the past, I think I’ve officially reached the “not a single f*ck was given” point regarding whatever the hell happened that infamous night on the way to the Grammy’s. Apparently, time heals all wounds and all self-righteous indignations.

But, what remains completely fascinating is how both him and Rihanna have gotten progressively weirder and progressively more famous since that night. Maybe instead of a fight that night, they actually went through the Illuminati’s application and pledging process. Who knows?

I do know, though, that somewhere out there (probably on Mars), Andre 3000 and Erykah Badu are kicking themselves. They already had the weird part down pact. Who knew that all they had to do to keep people actually buying their albums was jab each other a couple times while riding in one of their spaceships?

6. I have a male (and presumably straight) friend (“John”) who — in the middle of an all-male spades game a few years ago — was trying to think of Michael Ealy’s name, couldn’t, and just referred to him as “the n*gga with the eyes.” When his statement made the record screech on the entire party, he followed it up by saying “Come on. I aint gay or anything, but y’all act like I aint the only n*gga who noticed he has some pretty ass eyes.

Needless to say, I have a personal stake in Michael Ealy continuing to get movie roles just I can continue thinking of new and creative ways to tease John about his man eyes crush (not that there’s anything wrong with having a man eyes crush). I’ve even started calling him “Hazel.” Seriously, I’m like one of those comedians who wanted Bush to stay in office forever just so they’d never run out of material.

7. If movies like this and “Jumping The Broom” keep getting green-lighted and continue to be successful, the “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” major motion picture can’t be too far off, right?

Right?

¹I realize that this statement contradicts approximately 2245 different anti-Steve Harvey VSB entries. To that I say, “So what? I’m the shit.

²A free copy of “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” to the first person to guess the last “black” movie I saw at the theater. You have until 12:00 pm

—The Champ

***Check out “The Charger and The Nerd” — The Champ’s latest at The Good Men Project. It’s worth the read, just so you can tease Champ for eating pheasant.***

Many custom essay writing service are not bad

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • ThatOneAKA

    what the hell?!?! this is going to be a movie…seriously?

    • http://www.twitter.com/brotherjames ChaoticDiva

      My thoughts exactly. And this article make me hack the whole way through.

      • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

        Stop hating

    • tgtaggie

      Hell, Hill Harper’s book (The Conversation) could have been a better book turned into a movie. I can’t knock Steve’s hustle but the dude is winnin’ at life at the moment.

      • LoveJones

        I was thinking the same thing about “The Conversation”

    • MzThang

      I said the same thing a few wks ago when this came out… and this cast is breaking hilarious. anybody can make a movie if this sh*t got greenlighted.

      • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 herbetteroption

        Waits for TBS to greenlight “Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man” sitcom

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      what the hell?!?! this is going to be a movie…seriously?

      it’s not all that far-fetched. stranger things have happened and sh*t, and steve harvey aint all that worse than nicholas sparks

      • Yoles

        HEY!!!!!!!!
        A Walk to Remember
        &
        The Notebook
        are excellent movies… pure romantic/cinematic genius
        hmpf

        • http://thatdamnafrican.wordpress.com/ That Damn African

          I remember laughing at the end of The Notebook. It was a good, hearty laugh too.

          • Yoles

            TDA we are supposed to be e-soulmates… don’t mess up the dream by not loving love… :(

          • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

            I laughed too.

          • http://twitter.com/MzNinaSoul NinaFontaine

            Ya’ll are not right for laughin I was in full blown tears!

            • karmellkreem

              I thought I was the only person to laugh @ the end. HARD. while wondering aloud, “does he read that damn book every night?” but, hey, I laughed @ titanic too.

        • MizzCam

          ^5 Yolie

        • kid video

          yoles
          walk to remember/the notebook

          I guess u left off, on golden pond, beaches, and terms of endearment…lol

          #extrasurupyromanceflix

          • Yoles

            see we can watch movies together anytime kid video ;)

            • kid video

              yoles

              yeah…we can watch “Rappin” starring Mario Van Peeples and a pre-“Coming to America/ER” Eric Lasalle.

              • DQ

                “Rappin” was almost as bad as “Solo”. How Mario Van Peebles continued to work in Hollywood is a mystery to me.

        • Andi

          “A Walk to Remember” = Cinematic genius…..?

          Yoles I just shed like 5 e-tears for you.

          • Yoles

            Andi you apparently don’t love love :(

            • kid video

              yoles
              …you apparently don’t love love

              Didnt En Vouge make a song with this title.

              • http://moacn.wordpress.com Sir Fariku

                A walk to remember and Notebook = Cinematic Genius? Where dey do that at? smh.

              • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

                I believe it was “Love Don’t Love You”. And It don’t. Sorry Yoles.

            • k-steez

              exactly…..”It’s not over! It was never over!” …that scene stopped my heart, lol!

        • RG

          If you’re a bird, I’m a bird…#dontjudgeme

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

          Ugh.

          #LoveHater

        • http://www.twitter.com/constancelovesu TheOpinionated1

          @Yoles

          I agree…I own both The Notebook and A Walk To Remember and they are both really good movies IMO. I just love a romantic movie…:) Loves Jones makes me melt…

    • Ivy St.

      I thought it was another VSB joke when I first read this. Even after looking it up I am still kind of skeptical. I remember what happened when Champ wrote about Tyler Perry remaking “Love Jones.” lol

  • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    PLEASE let this be the sequel to the VSB satiremageddon. PLEASE.

    • Ms. My2Cents

      +1

    • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      Oh, my last black movie guess is, “Fakin’ the Funk.”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      Oh, my last black movie guess is, “Fakin’ the Funk.”

      nope. try harder. think like a man and sh*t

      • http://www.comeupchicago.com Shogun

        Trois……where can I claim my prize

        • http://twitter.com/fixedwater fixedwater

          Was Trois EVER in theaters? It couldn’t have been, I thought it was a straight to DVD movie *disbelief*

          • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

            Hell, I thought it was straight to TV.

      • http://twitter.com/queennaima Naima

        Waiting to Exhale? LOL I’m kidding. Crooklyn is my guess!

      • Giving an answer

        Players club

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

        “nope. try harder. think like a man and sh*t”

        (goes to a corner and concentrates really hard to grow a smaller head to think with)

        • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          LMAO!!

        • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

          GONE TO GLORY!

        • Kema

          Hah!

        • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

          HA!!!

        • Chocolatte’

          Flatlined

        • keisha brown

          BOOM!

    • http://fatgrlatheart.com fatgrlatheart

      seriously lol

  • Ms. My2Cents

    Venturing a guess with “For Colored Girls…”? Being the Tyler Perry stan that you are. ;)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      you almost made me choke on my midnight brisket and pineapple cubes

      • http://twitter.com/kjnetic peter parker

        no leftover pheasant omelettes i see…lol

  • tgtaggie

    ¹A free copy of “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” to the first person to guess the last “black” movie I saw at the theater. You have until 12:00 pm

    I would assume Jumping the Broom?

    I just can’t understand why they cast Chris Brown. I mean there are some black actors that can actually act. I remember watching This Christmas a couple of years ago, and I cringed whenever I saw a scene with Chris Brown in it.

    • h3avensent08

      he was young back then & goofy.
      i havent watched Takers, but by the trailers i’ve seen, his acting seems promising… i’m going by the trailers alone.
      i wish Idris Elba could’ve been in this movie, but i know he’s too good for that.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        i wish Idris Elba could’ve been in this movie, but i know he’s too good for that.

        too good for this? elba’s my man, but that n*gga was just in Thor. idris is arabic for “pay me in cash”

        • http://twitter.com/fixedwater fixedwater

          idris is arabic for “pay me in cash”

          ha!

        • http://www.twitter.com/h3avensent08 h3avensent08

          lmaoooooo!!!!!
          Thor was not a mediocre Romantic Comedy though, which this will be

          • coldsweat3

            LOL C’mon though Natalie Portman was in Thor so that was a good move. i figured IT was also done to help get Elba into the eyes of white audiences($$)

            • Sweet Sass

              Oh, he is already in white audience eyes… The Wire (cha-ching $$$).

        • Chocolate Amber

          I am going to guess that the last black movie that you saw was “Why did I get married?” The first one. I bet Lady Champ made you go see it. Am I right?

        • http://moacn.wordpress.com Sir Fariku

          Hahaha, Idris is Arabic for “pay me in cash”, Come on, cut Idris some slack, dude will always be Stringer Bell to me or Mumbles from Rocknrolla. Classic Roles. He is allowed to take a stinker once in a while, even Deniro got some stinkers.

        • Cali

          LMAO @ “pay me in cash”!! Don’t forget he was in the magnificently awful OBSESSED w/ Beyonkaswank, that will forever be his low of all lows!

        • RG

          Dude, I cant breathe over here.

        • Adara

          I just died laughing, scaring my Caucasian roommate, whom I don’t know well enough to explain this to. It’s even better because I just started watching The Wire on DVD last night. Really bad idea when you’re studying abroad : )

          I’ve been lurking for a few months. You guys make me laugh every time I log on, thanks.

      • Mo-VSS

        Takers was TRASH…casting was purely for the purposes of looks only. Good plot, TERRIBLE acting!

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

          Basically.

        • http://uphereoncloud9.wordpress.com/ Wu Young, Agent of M.E.

          Takers was “Gang Of Roses” with dudes. Everything about that movie was pure f**king trash Mo. Little known fact: T.I. went back to jail because his acting was a parole violation.

          • LuckBALady

            iDied

    • http://thatdamnafrican.wordpress.com/ That Damn African

      “I just can’t understand why they cast Chris Brown.”

      1) Marketing
      2) Better actors might have turned down these roles

      • MsEvahoney

        “I just can’t understand why they cast Chris Brown.”

        My guess is Steve Harvey will use the “redemption” and” people change” schtick on Chris’s behalf on why he was cast.

        • coldsweat3

          LMAO i feel like Chris’s actual lifestyle is going to be in such contrast to whatever role he is going to play(unless he plays a trife ninja)

        • Qozmic

          and that will be unfortunately.

          Because Chris Brown is a tickin timebomb. From the time he threw that chair out the window, it’s been obvious to me. He’s been in little problems in the news ALOT lately… Pretty soon, he will be in there on some Charlie Sheen shit soon enough.

      • Qozmic

        I think it’s brilliant casting… for the film’s producers and backers.

        If you goal is to lock in a certain demographic. And not necessarily to compete with CITIZEN KANE cinematically. C Breezy is nuclear hot right now with some folks. He was all over the BET Awards for a reason. His Q rating is off the charts.

    • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 herbetteroption

      Like the Tyler Perry movies, the solid black actors wouldnt be caught dead in it. Acting ability aside, Chris Brown can headline a movie or at least lure the young black women to the theatres who essentially the movie is made for

  • http://www.anythingbutstyle.com Shaynanigans

    “Well aim high, Willis. Aim high!”

    That is a good piece of cinematic genius right there.

    Oh and good post too! – About time for Megan Goode win something for all the theatrical ho-ing she’s done since childhood.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i dont think i’ve officially welcomed you, so welcome and sh*t. and yea, i’d totally be out in front of meagan good’s campaign. well, me and her boobs

      • http://www.anythingbutstyle.com Shaynanigans

        athankyou!

        I have a little beef with Meagan since she kissed Jett Jackson on “The Famous Jett Jackson”. So I may come to the award ceremony, but I would definitely quietly boo her as she walked up to accept.

    • Andi

      Yup, ever since Eve’s Bayou. <- My fave movie!

      And prolly the only one I can stand her in…

      • Righteous

        She was also in Friday!

        • http://twitter.com/#!/legitimate_soul legitimate_soul

          ‘Shole was….she was one of the little kids trying to buy ice cream from Big Worm. I think he took her money and drove off.

          • http://www.anythingbutstyle.com Shaynanigans

            No way! I was just about to ask what part in Friday.

            Meagan has been around, man. May have to go watch to see Baby hood Good doing what she do best.

            • GirlSixx

              Yep. I peeped that over the weekend, you have to look real hard and then BAM!! you recognize her mouf — She was still cute tho.

          • GirlSixx

            “Man, I hate him…” *sucksteef*

            lol

    • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

      Shamefully, im a proud member of team #MeaganGood.

      And yes, i like hoodrats.

  • http://www.twitter.com/fiveisthenumber fiveisthenumber

    Last Black Movie you saw in the theater…Menace to Society?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i did actually see that, but the answer came out a few years after that

      • antonio

        If no one has given the answer (thread is too long to read on a blackberry) I say the last black movie you saw in a theater was either love jones or hav plenty.

  • Mo-VSS

    For people who think that Tyler Perry is the anti-Christ, I submit to you Steve Harvey.

    Nuff said

    • tgtaggie

      Steve might actually be the Anti-Christ. B/C he has been preaching on TBN lately. lol.

      • Mo-VSS

        No negro…that makes TBN the Anti-Christ for okay-ing that sh*t. Like this dude is the ULTIMATE charlatan. I don’t want marriage or relationship advice from folks who have a rep for dogging folks out. While he can tell me traits to look for in someone who’s potentially doing me wrong, he could NEVER give advice on what makes a couple stick and stay.

        Sh*t, I don’t even take relationship advice from my divorced parents and he wants me to buy into his lame book logic??? GTFOH!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          Like this dude is the ULTIMATE charlatan.

          damn. you brought out the big christian words and sh*t. i feel like this entry has been smited

          • Mo-VSS

            LOL, I learned that word in like 4th grade and have been waiting for an opportunity to use it in a sentence since then.

            Thanks and sh*t!

            ;)

            • DQ

              You’ve had that one locked and loaded since 4th grade? Damn Mo. LOL. That is a LONG time to lay in the cut.

        • AfroPetite

          While he can tell me traits to look for in someone who’s potentially doing me wrong, he could NEVER give advice on what makes a couple stick and stay.

          Truth.com

          • http://www.twitter.com/ElleMarie360 L_Marie

            +1

          • Andi

            +2

          • LoveJones

            +3

      • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

        So there’s a widely accepted 2520 “Hey! Zeus!” but the Anti-Cristal has to be Maxed out on melanin? Y’all racist!
        Black Powah!
        Get with the struggle. The war Isreal.

    • http://twitter.com/queennaima Naima

      Steve Harvey is just like an old uncle who gives you bad advice, but thinks he is speaking the gospel truth.

      • KneeCee

        And that uncle is usually drunk at your cookout doling out said bad advice.

        • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

          Mmmm hmmm! Yep, thas him. Sit him down at the domino table.

  • Jay

    The Best Man???? Dead @ #4…Completely Dead @ “the n**** with the eyes”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      nope. too much taye diggs. try again

  • h3avensent08

    i knew Ms Union & Megan was going to be casted, i just knew it. i love Chris Brown(mainly his dancing & non auto-tune songs) but i wont be watching this when it hits the big screen. unless my twin sister BEGS the hell out of me. my next & finally movie for the year is coming out November 18. Twilight Breaking Dawn(F you! dont judge me! dont tell me New Moon didnt make you stop & give the film a chance…. no…? oh). i am waiting for the new batman movie to come out next year. they have a new teaser http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SlwYvkalmw&feature=share … i almost had a panic attack when i looked at the date, its still a year away…
    anyway im done with my blabber…. lol

    • Yoles

      i’ve watched the twilight movies with my mom… they are much better than the books… i’m not eagerly awaiting this last film but i will watch it 2nd or 3rd week out to close the circle… ;)

      • http://www.twitter.com/h3avensent08 h3avensent08

        i’ve watched them with my sister,,, B-)
        i wish my mom could watch it, but it’s hard having to translate everything into spanish.

        • Yoles

          watch them on cable with the SAP on
          or red box the dvd w/the spanish subtitle option or the spanish dub option

          can’t say i never did nothing for ya ;)

      • MizzCam

        ehh, I just can’t get hip. I’ve tried to watch the first Twilight movie no less than 11 times and I fall asleep before the camera pans through the trees in the beginning. Now there’s just too much hype. I’m sure I’m only in for a MAJOR letdown. =/ One of these days…

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

        E-sis…Nickolas Sparks and Twilight? Unironically?!

        Don’t worry, we will get you the help you so seem to so desperately need. Woo woo woo. Woo woo woo. Sinclair James.

        • Yoles

          e-sis The Anti-Cool

          i actually hated all the twilight books and felt that they were some of the worst books i have ever read in my entire life! i was in a book club and i’m nothing if not a trooper, as for the movies they are something that can be watched with mom and i don’t have to die a slow death like watching some of the other films i’ve picked for us in the past… i’ve never read a nicholas sparks book but i will say the movies i mentioned above are great to me! i don’t think i can be categorized as a movie buff as i tend to see movies one time only even if i like them so any movie i will watch more than once gets the yoles cinematic genius award i actually don’t even know what that terms means in real life but in my life it means i would watch the movie again no complaints

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

            (cancels the planned intervention)

            Don’t mind me. My hard heart won’t let me enjoy love and sparkly vampires but you just gone and be great Yoles. :D

          • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

            I love you both but BLASPHEMY! Twilight Saga ftw!

            • GirlSixx

              Thank You!!!

              Can’t wait for Breaking Dawn Part 1

    • http://twitter.com/fixedwater fixedwater

      I’m with you on Breaking Dawn, I just want to see how they pull off all the stuff from the book.

      • http://www.twitter.com/h3avensent08 h3avensent08

        same here

  • http://twitter.com/fixedwater fixedwater

    I can’t say I’m surprised, but I will not buy a ticket at the box office for that crap.
    I’m starting the make “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” a movie petition right now. If it put The Game back on TV we should be able to make this happen!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      thats some change i can believe in and sh*t

    • keisha brown

      signs fixedwater petition (and checks the twitter convo bout casting).
      lol.