Serena Williams Drinks, Bathes In, And Makes Lemonade With White Tears » VSB

Featured, Race & Politics, Sports

Serena Williams Drinks, Bathes In, And Makes Lemonade With White Tears

Serena Williams just beat Maria Sharapova. Again. Because that’s what she does. Chew bubble gum, beat Maria Sharapova, and win majors. And I have no doubt that, as long as she doesn’t become too distracted by the emojis Drake is texting her right now, she will beat Garbine Muguruza in the Wimbledon final.

There is a particular type of person who will read that last paragraph and become very angry. Whose soul is nicked with every one of her victories. And this tickles me. I am motherfucking tickled. Because it’s almost as if Serena Williams was specifically and intentionally created with the intention of pissing off the most racist sports fans possible. Her entire existence is an elaborate troll for White tears.

Be from Compton? Check. Dominate a sport traditionally dominated by conventionally attractive and affluent White women? Check. Do this while being “so thick that everybody else in the room is so uncomfortable“? Check. Rock literally every hairstyle every Black American woman has ever rocked, and sometimes all at the exact same time? Check. Despite endless attacks on her looks and “masculinity”, continue to have some of the most eligible Black bachelors in the country (literally) fight over her? Check. Have an active dad who gives no fucks about what White people think? Check. Do absolutely nothing remotely criminal or even rude, making the tearjerkers scour the Earth for shit to criticize? Check.

The saucer she uses to mix the tears

The saucer she uses to mix the tears

Are you tickled too? Because this is some tickling-ass shit.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Trill Nye

    I don’t care what anybody says, Serena is fine.

    • miss t-lee

      He gave the right one that body, because I’d act a complete and total fool.

      • Lea Thrace

        Listen. I would use that body as a weapon on a daily basis! My morality will be out the window if I had her body! Just damn!

        • miss t-lee

          You wouldn’t be able to stop me, only hope to contain me.

        • Madame Zenobia

          You know how celebs are all, “I’m not a role model”? I definitely would not be your child’s role model if I had Serena’s money and body…Not at all.

          • Cori Hoston

            Just naked…just thongs and heels…special occasions?.. Sparkly thongs

            • HeyBooHey

              “special occasions?..sparkly thongs”
              I swear, I just howled in this office! And am in total agreement lol

            • Me as well

            • Leigh

              Sparkly thongs tho!! I JUST WHOOPED!!!! Thy name shall be THOT on HIGH!!!

              • KMN

                I JUST FELL OUT ON THIS!!! LMAO THOT on HIGH…>LMAOOOOOOOO

            • JanuaryBabe

              I know right! And walking around all casual like you dressed to see the Queen! LOL!!!!

            • VVV

              No you did not say sparkly thongs….LMAO

        • Wild Cougar

          I’d be on the pole. You’d have to peel me off the pole. Only thing getting me off the pole would be an extremely wealthy sugar daddy. I’d have several sugar daddies.

          • Dr McD

            I quite literally laughed my a$$ off at this. It would be me. I’d be on the pole. With clear heels and “Anaconda” as my theme music.

        • Leigh

          YASSSSSS! A weapon of mass distraction! I would have no morals and no f*ucks to give! Serena and her donk is my hero. And I’m a hetero woman. LOL

          • KMN

            Listen…gay men have fallen to the donk…straight women…the donk is mesmerizing…UGH I wish I had one like that seriously…the damage…LAWUD the damage I’d cause and leave in my path…

      • Madame Zenobia

        I agree, her eyebrows tend to bother me though.

        • miss t-lee

          I’ve seen them look good at times, some days they’re off.

        • I will thread them dayum eyebrows for her. I will knead the cramps out her legs and butt after every match. I’d braid her cornrows and then give her a sew-in. I’d change diets AND Gods.

      • KMN

        LISTEN!!! Girl I’d have ALL my bills paid hear me!! ALL OF THEM!!

        • miss t-lee

          I grocery shop in a bikini and sit my azz all over the produce.

          • KMN

            in stiletto heels just to amplify the donk…

            • miss t-lee

              You know!

            • Sigma_Since 93

              can we request that Poisson be your theme music??

              • KMN

                listen…poison, back dat a$$ up…thong song…i’ll walk into a room with ALL of em lmaooo

              • miss t-lee

                nah, that’s too classy.

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  Slow Motion by Juvie??

                  • miss t-lee
                    • KMN

                      Sweet baby white blue eyed Jesus on the rock!! Where has this been all my life?!! Yes this is the walk in music right hurn lmao

                    • miss t-lee

                      Glad I could help. :)

                    • Madame Zenobia

                      Me, upon every entrance into Wimbledon….https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znUS2KqPYCw

                    • I love me some Beat King

                    • miss t-lee

                      *daps*

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Why is this the first time I have heard this? It warms the ratchet part of my soul.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Probably because he’s a Houston underground artist.
                      He’s got a bout 5/6 mixtapes out. All good.

              • Brass Tacks

                I approve of Sigmas selection.

              • Epsilonicus

                If I was dating Serena though…

                • miss t-lee

                  I just let out the ugliest laugh…lol

                  • Epsilonicus

                    Ijs. I’d find a way for us to go together forever

                    • miss t-lee

                      i’m not even much mad.

                    • KMN

                      lmao that’s so cute…go together forever

                • h.h.h.

                  gif game so accurate lol

                • Bruh. I bet Common AND Drake tried to shoot up the block.

        • JanuaryBabe

          Bills? What Bills?

          • KMN

            LMAO RIGHT!!!

      • Keisha

        You and me both!!! You wouldn’t be able to tell me nothing…I’d be a monster. I’m talking about wearing belly shirts in the middle of winter and everything…just because I could. :-)

        • miss t-lee

          AWREADY.

          • Leigh

            THAT’S WHAT’S UP!!!! Sup HTown?!!

            • miss t-lee

              HEE HEE.
              I’m from Texas, but I can’t claim the H. Although I have plenty fam and friends from there.

              • Leigh

                LOL!! It’s ok if you can’t claim the H. We still fam tho. That’s what’s up!!!

                • miss t-lee

                  You already know, being from Texas we already fam!

    • Illumina

      Her coach certainly does. I swear every picture I see of them during their down time his hand is always on dat azz….

      Can’t blame him.

      • KMN

        are they dating??

        • Illumina

          As much as his hand is on her azz I would assume so, LOL.

          It’s not mentioned much, but when she and Sharapova had that aforementioned blowup, where Serena said some things that ended up getting published, and Sharapova mentioned (during a PRESS CONFERENCE) that people were talking about her and her coach’s relationship.

          So yeah, unsubstantiated rumors are that they have been together for a while. But Venus and Serena NEVER talk about their private life, so I doubt you’ll ever hear anything. I just happened to get a peek at some photos (this was a couple of years ago), and they looked very much together.

          • KMN

            ooh thank you for that bit of tea…I remember hearing something about Sharapova saying something out of the side of her neck about Serena’s relationship with her coach or whatevs…but yeah they are PRIVATE. I was just doing a search on him and saw some very cozy pics of her that only couples or drunk college girls take

          • Question

            Is it true Venus got married over the weekend? She was playing Serena with a ring on *that* finger.

          • sh8896a

            Serena used to date Maria’s current boyfriend Grigor Dmitrov and she made a comment about it in Rolling Stone magazine. That’s why sharapova went off about Patrick Mouratoglou, Serena’s coach. He has been separated from his wife for years, but there are rumors that he and Serena are romantically linked.

        • miss t-lee

          I thought I read they were, and he previously dated Sharapova?

          • Illumina

            I know too much about this, LOL. I watch too much tennis and the analysts are gossipy.

            Anyway….you’re thinking of Gregor Dimitrov, player on the ATP tour, who was supposed to be the root of all the animosity. He dated Serena before moving on to Maria.

            • miss t-lee

              ahhhhhhh.
              Good lookin’ out.

            • Question

              *waving* Another tennis junky!! Love it!

              Carry on.

          • KMN

            OOOOOOOOOOOOH so Sharapova got dissed for da donk?!! Ok ok…I get it now…I get it…

        • MsSula

          Yup. They are pretty official. Making all them white French girls mad as fcuk. and I am here for ALL OF IT!!!

          • KMN

            Chile listen….#teampetty I love it lmao

    • Yonnie

      She is my boyfriend’s celebrity crush and I love him even more for that.

      • MsSula

        He is a good dude. :)

  • skinnynow

    Earlier this week we had a cheetah and a penguin walking through our office. The cheetah looked like every other cat (I can’t be bothered with you humans). The penguin waddled around the office. Both gave me the giggles.

    That was then. Now, I can’t get enough out of people who are actually pissed that the No. 1 athlete in her field beat the snot out of the No. 4…again…for the 17th straight time. It’s like watching “The Sixth Sense” over and over and expecting a different outcome.

    As MJ said…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPVpMxVn6mk

  • “Because it’s almost as if Serena Williams was specifically and intentionally created with the intention of pissing off the most racist sports fans possible. Her entire existence is an elaborate troll for White tears.”

    She’s the official embodiment of, “You mad? Stay mad.”

    • Lea Thrace

      This gif NEVER gets old. Like NEVER!

      • miss t-lee

        EVER.

        • SirKnows DevoidofPunk

          “Not neva!”-Katt Williams

      • Love me some bay area comedian & actress Miss Diane Amos!

    • Ms George Zip

      I love the Pine Sol lady (sorry so Becky). Old but interesting interview http://www.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/Profile-Diane-Amos-Making-a-tidy-living-as-2874386.php

    • Makeda Sylvester

      My husband says you can get glad in the same drawers u got mad in lol.

      • Keren Jeanne

        lol

      • I will use that line FOREVERMORE!

    • L – Moderator #3541

      This article is blatant racism.

    • bae_bae

      This has been a monumental week for salty white tears. Serena pissing off white media and tennis fans by her sheer brilliance on the court. Then we have, my girl Rihanna getting various white feminists crying very bitter tears, and spitting blood over a damn music video. Just beautiful

      #BLACKEXCELLENCE

      • L – Moderator #3541

        Lol…. once again blatant racism. Two wrongs don’t make a right miss.

        • Creative Thoughts

          This is what we call Black Pride! Don’t fear it, embrace it, try to understand it, cause it’s based in love. For you to read this and not understand that make you the racist!

          • Makeda Sylvester

            Funny how people try to absolve their actual racism….what the Williams sisters face constantly, by flipping it back on us. It’s tu quoque…old tired thing.

            • Barryfromkenya

              They earned their treatment by being nasty ghetto bitches

          • flimbus

            Gloating’s an anthropological universal… in this case, earned. Enjoy!

          • Barryfromkenya

            No, it’s based on “in your face!”

        • Makeda Sylvester

          Nah…you need to look up the definition of racism.

          • Keren Jeanne

            true –who’s in power?…im just learning what true racism is…

            • Shelia Van

              God is in power.

              • Keren Jeanne

                thats a huge given…but the Lord is not fond of US’ institution of Racism. That institution which = economy is in control of why we are where we are in an ideological sense.

              • Keren Jeanne

                The one who run the economy is in control. We KNOW God is in control, but he gave us free will to do right; some people choose to do what is wrong…

        • Lari Townsend

          I don’t think of Serena as a black tennis player. I think of her as the most dominant athlete in any sport today. Her race matters not one iota as to the magic she brings to the court. She is a phenomenal woman period.

          • L – Moderator #3541

            Touche to you.

          • Lari Townsend, when we wilfully ignore a black person’s colour, we wilfully ignore that person’s lived realities as a black person. We whites can ignore race all that we want, but we shove it in black people’s faces all of the time with oppressive discrimination, micro-, and macro-aggressions. If black people can’t get a break from the fact of race, then we shouldn’t insist on taking a break from it, either. Insisting on it, in fact, is racist. See Eduardo Bonilla-Silva.

          • Carrie

            Please do her justice and think of her as a phenomenal black tennis player. I do appreciate your comment, but to leave out her race discredits that history is being made by this gifted, talented black woman.

          • Irish78623

            Don’t worry about what people say, you have been caught in the catch 22 trap, If you had said that you thought she was a “wonderful black tennis player” the would be asking why you had to point at that she is black.

        • Lavern

          Another whiny, arrogant puissant little bitch that just can’t STAND Negroes ever feeling good about themselves longer than time allowed. Fuck off troll asshole.

          • L – Moderator #3541

            I love Serena Williams. It’s actually how I ended up here, I’ve loved tennis for around 7 years. She is probably my favorite tennis player male or female. Don’t get your anger confused with your ignorance.

          • joe

            Could you be any more salty over nothing?

      • nsuviolin

        …Rihanna’s music video = black excellence? Seriously? I don’t know whether to LOL or SMH

        • Cliff Vasseel

          NO IMAGE OF YOU, WHY TOO UGLY

      • ReadU

        Hear, hear! Folks getting their panties in a bunch over a damn video.

      • Jeff Peimer

        Swap the word ‘black’ with the word ‘white’ and see how it reads. It will probably sound as ignorant and racist as it does in its original form.

        • donalda

          Your attempt at equivalency is false.

          • Barryfromkenya

            How so?

      • jovent

        Black women, I am really beginning to be perplexed as to what route
        you are taking and what goals you are trying to achieve with your off
        key, strange and outlandish behaviour. You black women who see sense and
        who are not part of the ratchet clic had better start speaking out for
        yourselves, separating yourselves from the scum hoodrats and declaring
        openly that you are not a part of this contaminated group of cohorts.

        With the weave it is obvious, you are trying to look like white women
        to please your new father the so called white man. Many of us as black
        men now understand that the majority of you have fixed it inside your
        minds to attempt to topple the white woman and replace her as the white
        man’s number one choice for a mate. Now, I have already told you before
        that this is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN and the pipe dream
        of marrying a white man will only be realised by a handful of black
        women. For the majority of you, it again WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

        Weaves, blue, green and grey contact lenses, body, tongue, eye and
        mouth piercings, fake eye lashes, fake nails, tattoos, butt
        implants(yes, you black women are the largest purchasers of butt
        implants………………….and I thought that black women already came
        pre-installed with ample sized butts) and other attachments of fakery.
        Now, I do not see white women putting on afro weaves and walking down
        the streets yet I see you putting on European style weaves and trying to
        justify your actions by stating either “white women wear weaves too” or
        “this is a protective hairstyle”.

        Number 1, white women use EXTENSIONS THAT LOOK LIKE THEIR OWN HAIR,
        they do not use weaves. Number 2, if you were really trying to protect
        your natural hair underneath that mop top, why would you specifically
        use hair that looks nothing like your own? The lies have gone far
        enough, you are simply trying to mimic your idol, the so called white
        woman which automatically by your own emulations places her in a
        position of superiority. Yes black women, by copying and imitating the
        white woman, you are declaring that she is superior to you, that she is
        actually the queen and that you are in fact the peasant and the lowly
        vagabond.

        • CalJ

          FYI, Black women have NEVER wanted white men! So nothing we do, or have ever done has been to please THEM. Idiot!

        • Yomama

          LOL! How silly! You must be into comedy or a frequent poster on The Coli… ????

        • Drgulla

          “Now, I do not see white women putting on afro weaves and walking down
          the streets.”

          Two words for you, genius: Rachel Dolezal.

          Now stop lecturing people, you tedious scold, and worry about your own behavior. Nobody cares what a cranky fool who wastes his time criticizing vast swaths of the population thinks.

          • anonymous

            She is not a collective of women though. She is just one woman

        • BKLYNite

          SMH..thats bullshit..u have more black men who date white women than the other way around. the main reason u see black women wearing weaves is because they are tryna PLEASE a black man who makes fun of their NATURAL hair. So stop it with the wanting to marry white men because the average black woman wants a black man!!

          • Shelia Van

            That stuff is too uncomfortable to wear for anybody other than yourself. I have decided that I will not wear another wig in my life, in order to look good for somebody else. If I decide to wear another wig, it will be for me. So black man, if u want to be with me then it is what it is. I am natural and wearing it proudly. I might get it pressed from time to time, but as of right now, I do not want another straightner/perm on my scalp/head.

            • donalda

              Sister, I applaud you. As black women we are ENOUGH! We are beautiful the way God intended. I started wearing my hair naturally three years ago and have never, ever looked back. It’s easy to care for, style and it goes with my face. BTW, many white men love black women’s natural hair and sadly are more accepting than some of our own brothers. I hope that will change. You don’t need someone else’s texture on your head to be beautiful because you already ARE.

        • Lee Hill

          This is all BS, right? Pls stop because you’re exposing yourself as an idiot. Black women look good in nature hair, straight hair, weaves, whatever. All those different hair textures look good against the smooth, flawless brown skin of their face. Just because you don’t appreciate that, women, whether black, white or brown always want to change up their look. You’re exposing how little you know about women because most black women are not looking for white men. Get in the game, buddy, you’re so off base with this foolish screed

          • Shelia Van

            Most beautiful, natural, black women are looking for supporting black males. Who will love us regardless of the length or texture of or hair. I AM NOT MY HAIR. yes, I am grateful that my texture of hair is fairly manageable, but it still takes hard work every day and night. No, most black women are not looking for white or black men. We are waiting for a real man to pursue us. Believe it or not, most women still enjoy the chase (not stalking) just courting, And most men still know how to enjoy the catch I hope.

            • Darcampb

              Yes, sis and lmao at the disclaimer you issued, “not stalking”. Just to be clear.

          • anonymous

            You sound like a dummy. What that guy said is the truth. It is NOT about these women wearing weaves, it is about them wearing straight hair weaves. I mean look at Tina Turner for example, she could have rocked her OWN hair or better yet, a natural hair textured weave. Obviously, they look up to their fathers and mother’s (white people) by wearing straight hair weaves, bleaching their skin, e.t.c. Like the person above said, why can’t white women wear afro textured weaves?

        • Stephanie ‘Miz Jenkins’ Barnes

          We are everywhere, you choose, like most of society, to not validate us because in seeing and acknowledging us requires you to change; to step up… You like society are not ready, so you look past us to below us. Look up and you will see me.

        • Stephanie ‘Miz Jenkins’ Barnes

          We are everywhere, you choose, like most of society, to not validate us because in seeing and acknowledging us requires you to change; to step up… You like society are not ready, so you look past us to below us. Look up and you will see me.

        • New_Clear_Waste

          Mixed-race couples spreadin’ the love around and having beautiful kids, and there’s NOTHING you haters can do to stop the love!!!

        • jan

          What makes you the judge of any woman? Shut up and sit down, unless you’re applauding Serena.

    • Serena’s father needs to write book about his methodology and hand it to every black mother and father in the USA. I expect it would contain several volumes, then so be it.

      • She Boom Project

        He can’t take credit for much other than handing Serena over to his ex-wife, their mom, Oracene. Serena and her sisters are first and foremost Oracene’s daughters. He thought Serena was crazy and unmanageable, so Oracene trained her. He could write a book for teaching them pride and how to persevere but ORACENE is the one with the real influence and trade secrets.

        • Uncontainable Spirit

          Completely untrue. Give credit where credit is due. Richard Williams is the man. Can a man get ANY credit at all?

          • ReadU

            They both should get credit but her Dad was making sure that Serena & Venus trained well both physically and mentally for competitive tennis. I actually give him most of the props on that end! Also they stayed together as a family unit which I love. Fwiw there is a you tube video of Venus getting interviewed and the interviewer asked her why she was “so confident” a few times after she already said that she is confident on winning, subsequently Richard shut him down stating that he is talking to a child and she already answered him! Look at the video if you have not seen it because it pretty much sums up the fear of black excellence…

            • Barryfromkenya

              This alleged fear of black excellence is proven false by how well loved people like Michael Jordan have been

              • Bruce G

                For Serena, the hatred and fear of her success stems from the fact that she is dominating a sport which used to be a preserve of whites whereas there weren’t that many successful
                B-ballers who came before M Jordan. Also, the quality of the whites who watch basketball is higher (they relate to blacks traditionally without prejudice) while the whites who follow tennis are traditionally from a mid-income to rich background hence the fear of letting go”accepting that a black lady is dominating ‘their’ sport”

                • Barryfromkenya

                  Wow, that’s a lot of projection

                • Darcampb

                  Yea, basically.

              • donalda

                But MJ was staying in his “lane” he was the right “sort” Not so much for those like Misty Copeland, Tiger Woods, Serena Williams…

                • Barryfromkenya

                  Fuck your projection. It’s not skin color, it’s behavior.

                  • donalda

                    The f*** you know about it?? F*** you, who has never experienced racism in your f*** life trying to lecture to me what it is. You have no f*** idea so STFU and open your ears.

                    • Barryfromkenya

                      Hahahaha!!!!!! Like I said, behavior! Fucking animal

                  • Aliya Tyus-Barnwell

                    Classy. “Fuck your projection” ; “fucking animal”…. awww we hwurt your wittwe feewings.

                    • Barryfromkenya

                      No hurt feelings, just sick of the endless whining from black people, STFU already

                    • step

                      Man, this article is talking about you… wow

                    • Barryfromkenya

                      You have very poor reading skills

    • Shuwanna Aaron

      i love this gif!

    • Carrie

      Priceless!

    • New_Clear_Waste

      No, I don’t think the point of Serena’s existence is to piss off racists, it’s to be the best tennis player anywhere. She has class, she’s above the whole us-against-them bitterness dynamic.

  • Yellow Tail

    I am here for alllllll of this! Just wow, I love it! Idk where she falls as one of the greatest American Athletes of all time…possibly greatest Athletes in the history of all sports around the world but we need to have this discussion!

    She bathes in lakes of white tears, that’s why her skin is so flawless.

    • Question

      ESPN named her the athlete of the decade. Go ‘Re…

  • miss t-lee
    • Val

      And where can I purchase that mug?

      • miss t-lee

        I just found a few on zazzle. :)

    • Rogerderp

      Gotta love the “White Tears” When as soon as something bad happens to nignogs they call on “White priviledges and Racism”. Sheboon you gotta stop living in a lie.

      • miss t-lee

        LOL

  • iamnotakata

    Come through Queen Serena???????????????? I Stan for her so much!! The paragraph is accurate!

  • “Despite endless attacks on her looks and “masculinity”, continue to have some of the most eligible Black bachelors in the country (literally) fight over her?”

    [100 emoji] [fire emoji]

    She dated Common before he was #HandInLove Common. I bow dow down to Miss Serena.

  • thebayarean

    Which is why I’m a super fan of hers and Venus, though Serena gets extra points for having the same waistband gap problem as I do!!! Love her to pieces and tickled silly over this article.

  • Cori Hoston

    OMAGAAAAA….I LITERALLY SPIT MY GUM ACROSS THE ROOM TO KEEP FROM CHOKING TA DEATH!!!!… SO DAMN FUNNY…and her daddy give less fucks…I mean he gives less fucks than a freshly fucked fox eating on a not hot hot dog in a forest fire…I mean just chewing cold meat with fire less than six inches away…he just don’t give a fuck…

    • miss t-lee

      Daddy Williams been devoid of f*cks since the late 70s I’m sure.

      • Cori Hoston

        Yasss..he like what u say to me ya cracker ass cracker?… Ijc…google his interviews…

        • miss t-lee

          Oh yes! I remember!

    • MsSula

      You will not kill me Cori Hoston!! Bwahahahaha!

  • Baemie St. Patrick

    I think I have a new role model.

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