For the last week or so, there’s been a trend on Facebook where people post statuses asking their friends to list their most unpopular non-political opinions; a prompt that has resulted in threads occasionally stretching hundreds of replies long. This has both amused and annoyed me, mainly because (approximately) 98% of the replies are people just ranting about stuff that annoys them (“I hate it when women have false eyelashes!“) or saying stuff that really aint all that unpopular at all (“I like apples more than I like pancakes!“); ultimately turning the thread into a social media circle jerk (“Word? I like apples more than I like pancakes too!!! Let’s go to an orchard together!!!“).
Also, many of these unpopular opinions are in fact political. If you think men shouldn’t wear pink — an actual reply I read — that belief is likely based on your retrograde and Crayola box-based politics. Because Cam’ron already proved to us that pink is an awesome color.
That said, I recognize that revealing a truly unpopular opinion is difficult to do. Mostly because most of the stuff we believe is also believed by millions of people. We tend to think we’re snowflakes, which is cute, but mostly we’re drops of water from a leaky pipe collecting in a bucket under the sink. And also because truly unpopular beliefs tend to be too unpopular and too uncomfortable to publicly admit. Saying you believe the Knowles family is overrated might start an “argument,” but no one is going to think much differently of you. Some will even agree. But “I think everyone should fuck at least one polar bear, just for the experience” probably won’t get too many likes and might get you deported.
Anyway, for the last couple of days I’ve been trying to think of an unpopular opinion I possess that 1) is actually unpopular, 2) I haven’t read anywhere else, and 3) manages to be unpopular without being abhorrent. And I think I found one that might qualify!
Selfies are stupid trash shitty dumb pictures.
Now, my feelings about the selfie have nothing to do with any distaste for selfie culture. It is not an indictment of pervasive narcissism — shit, I’m a pervasive narcissist — and you will not see the word “Kardashian” typed in any sentence other than this one. Instead, my belief is simple and practical. I hate selfies because I think they’re easily the least flattering perspective. They make everyone look 20 to 40 percent worse than they actually do. Its as if every selfie uses the same filter, and that filter is “make me look 10% less human and 12% more mongoose.” They’re also insanely difficult to take, and we look unfathomably stupid taking them. And yes, group selfie, I’m talking to you too. No one in the history of history has ever said “look at how cool those 18 people over there trying to fit themselves on a 3×5 inch screen look!”
I also believe we all believe this too, even if we don’t want to admit it. Which is why every selfie is preceded by approximately 48498p34u8p93 attempts to get the selfie correct. I’d bet 95% of deleted cell phone images in 2016 are the corpses of dead selfies, and that 78% of the phone storage space of 60% of the people reading this is comprised of yet-to-be-murdered selfies. It’s like selfie takers are J Cole fans, attempting to convince themselves they’re not being put to sleep while pausing between each track to take a shot of espresso.
Now, I get why people take them. They seem like they should be easy to take, and they seem like they should be flattering. But, we’re just not meant to take pictures of ourselves. It’s like masturbating with gloves on. You think the H&M faux leather won’t chafe your skin, but afterwards you’ll just wish you waited for a partner. It’s science, man.
To recap, the next time you’re tempted to take a selfie, take your phone, pour gasoline on it, set it on fire, throw it in a toilet, throw that toilet in a dumpster, and then pee on the dumpster.
(And yeah, I guess this qualifies as a rant too. Oh well. I tried.)