Selfies Are Stupid Trash Shitty Pictures And We Need To Stop Taking Them » VSB

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Selfies Are Stupid Trash Shitty Pictures And We Need To Stop Taking Them

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For the last week or so, there’s been a trend on Facebook where people post statuses asking their friends to list their most unpopular non-political opinions; a prompt that has resulted in threads occasionally stretching hundreds of replies long. This has both amused and annoyed me, mainly because (approximately) 98% of the replies are people just ranting about stuff that annoys them (“I hate it when women have false eyelashes!“) or saying stuff that really aint all that unpopular at all (“I like apples more than I like pancakes!“); ultimately turning the thread into a social media circle jerk (“Word? I like apples more than I like pancakes too!!! Let’s go to an orchard together!!!“).

Also, many of these unpopular opinions are in fact political. If you think men shouldn’t wear pink — an actual reply I read — that belief is likely based on your retrograde and Crayola box-based politics. Because Cam’ron already proved to us that pink is an awesome color.

That said, I recognize that revealing a truly unpopular opinion is difficult to do. Mostly because most of the stuff we believe is also believed by millions of people. We tend to think we’re snowflakes, which is cute, but mostly we’re drops of water from a leaky pipe collecting in a bucket under the sink. And also because truly unpopular beliefs tend to be too unpopular and too uncomfortable to publicly admit. Saying you believe the Knowles family is overrated might start an “argument,” but no one is going to think much differently of you. Some will even agree. But “I think everyone should fuck at least one polar bear, just for the experience” probably won’t get too many likes and might get you deported.

Anyway, for the last couple of days I’ve been trying to think of an unpopular opinion I possess that 1) is actually unpopular, 2) I haven’t read anywhere else, and 3) manages to be unpopular without being abhorrent. And I think I found one that might qualify!

Selfies are stupid trash shitty dumb pictures.

Now, my feelings about the selfie have nothing to do with any distaste for selfie culture. It is not an indictment of pervasive narcissism — shit, I’m a pervasive narcissist — and you will not see the word “Kardashian” typed in any sentence other than this one. Instead, my belief is simple and practical. I hate selfies because I think they’re easily the least flattering perspective. They make everyone look 20 to 40 percent worse than they actually do. Its as if every selfie uses the same filter, and that filter is “make me look 10% less human and 12% more mongoose.” They’re also insanely difficult to take, and we look unfathomably stupid taking them. And yes, group selfie, I’m talking to you too. No one in the history of history has ever said “look at how cool those 18 people over there trying to fit themselves on a 3×5 inch screen look!

I also believe we all believe this too, even if we don’t want to admit it. Which is why every selfie is preceded by approximately 48498p34u8p93 attempts to get the selfie correct. I’d bet 95% of deleted cell phone images in 2016 are the corpses of dead selfies, and that 78% of the phone storage space of 60% of the people reading this is comprised of yet-to-be-murdered selfies. It’s like selfie takers are J Cole fans, attempting to convince themselves they’re not being put to sleep while pausing between each track to take a shot of espresso.

Now, I get why people take them. They seem like they should be easy to take, and they seem like they should be flattering. But, we’re just not meant to take pictures of ourselves. It’s like masturbating with gloves on. You think the H&M faux leather won’t chafe your skin, but afterwards you’ll just wish you waited for a partner. It’s science, man.

To recap, the next time you’re tempted to take a selfie, take your phone, pour gasoline on it, set it on fire, throw it in a toilet, throw that toilet in a dumpster, and then pee on the dumpster.

(And yeah, I guess this qualifies as a rant too. Oh well. I tried.)

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • OSHH

    True most selfies aren’t very flattering at all which is why I rarely take them.

  • miss t-lee

    “To recap, the next time you’re tempted to take a selfie, take your phone, pour gasoline on it, set it on fire, throw it in a toilet, throw that toilet in a dumpster, and then pee on the dumpster.”

    https://media.giphy.com/media/3o72EVJcAWOA1jaFLW/giphy.gif

    • United_Dreamer

      x One thousand

  • I want to beat people who take selfies with a selfie stick.

    • Kylroy

      And they even come equipped with a convenient beating implement!

      • Lol, let me rephrase that: I want to beat people who take selfies WITH a selfie stick. Preferably their own.

    • miss t-lee

      Yeah…selfie sticks are atrocious.

    • Man, the selfie stick saves me when I travel alone. I could not imagine Dubai or my latest Jamaican trip without it. Granted, I attempted to use it sparingly (mainly in midsize foreign groups or overcrowded streets), because nothing says “rob me, I’m a tourist” like a selfie stick in the dark.

    • KeyBrad

      Just got home from a cruise and I swear everyone had a selfie stick…bleh

    • Other_guy13

      I have a homeboy who pulled one out at a festival last year. As soon as he counted to three for the shot we all walked away. He got the message.

      • miss t-lee

        Bwhahahha.
        I just pictured this and I’m so tickled.

        • Other_guy13

          He tried himself on that one

          • miss t-lee

            I just imagined y’all parting like the red sea…lol

      • MsCee

        Lmfao…I really hate male selfies

  • HouseOfBonnets

    First shoutout to killa cam, second J. Cole shade (even as a fan I laughed and given the full dissertations since Thursday night it’s welcomed because I can’t even enjoy the album). Third I’m sending this to everyone on snapchat because it’s draining and fourth for the culture because killa cam that’s why: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d6612c16f84b69fd2131db19050e1de64f125e42ded3225a9a615b7d822d2eeb.jpg

    • Damon Young

      are we sure that’s not big sean?

      • HouseOfBonnets

        So we’re just gonna insult cam and overhype big sean in one statement? ???

        • Lea Thrace

          the man has a point tho…

        • Janelle Doe

          Wait did I miss a post? There were J Cole dissertations?

          • HouseOfBonnets

            I’ve been seeing them on my social media since Thursday, I’m sure we’ll have a post we’ll maybe lol

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Despite both having an affinity for pink, Big Sean would tell us if a killer lived next door unlike Harlem World.

        • MsCee

          Due to the flip phone I’m gonna say that’s Cam…

          • Blueberry01

            Got ’em…

  • Negro Libre

    I thought selfies and emojis were going to die a well-deserved death ages ago…

    Yet everyday I’m reminded:

    http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/da/da174a982b9bb205affa68a8a677ce37a014347a646627327dd261ea98c12c50.jpg

  • DCFem

    How is this an unpopular opinion? Selfies are the actual worst. I don’t know anyone who likes how they look in selfies.

    • I don’t get how they are the Worst? Particularly with folks using front facing cameras…etc…being able to see what your doing. At least you know what crazy facial expressions you are making :)

    • miss t-lee

      My angle work is on point. I like the way I look just fine.

    • BmoreLikeLA

      as long as the lighting is there, my selfie game is glow-geous

  • Lea Thrace

    “It’s like masturbating with gloves on. You think the H&M faux leather won’t chafe your skin, but afterwards you’ll just wish you waited for a partner. ”

    I HAZ QUESTIONS DAYMOAN.

  • Brandon Allen

    This is probably a 50/50 split. Not an Unpopular Opinion. A lot of people don’t like selfies.

    People who take a lot of selfies. It makes your head look big and your face like a big spoon. Stop.

  • Giantstepp

    I don’t mind the occasional selfie from someone, but what annoys me is that person that drops one (or a few) daily for any reason and from any place!. I’ve literally checked IG pages when I notice this– and ratio is something like 8 out of every 10 pics is selfie, and at least one out of the two left has you in the pic, possibly with friends. And the 10th pic is some generic inspirational quote that I know you don’t believe or live by. That’s when I quietly hit the “unfollow” button. There are very few exceptions too. Excuse my rant. But I hate internet narcissist.

    • miss t-lee
      • OSHH

        hahahaha
        why for come dude???

      • esa

        this is kinda great.

        • miss t-lee

          He’s really a master at this.

      • cyanic

        His two car photos are the best.

      • Malaika Jabali

        I feel like this is performance art tho

        • miss t-lee

          Almost feels that way, right?

        • LetEarthReceive

          I think that is me because I have not mastered the art, so when I do, most of them get deleted and I do not publish my selfies.

        • Tasha Lawrence?

          Lmao!!!!

      • Giantstepp

        HAHA. This is insane, like seriously. How can this bruh NOT see it’s literally the same pic over and over and over. lol

        • miss t-lee

          I think that’s the beauty of it honestly…lol

      • Blueberry01

        Wow…

    • I am biased about guys/cats/dogs/penguins…. doing it unless they wear makeup. If I can find a new lipstick inspo color Idc how many the penguin drops.

    • BmoreLikeLA

      I have a friend like that. She posts “waking up and not trying to get outta bed” selfies, followed by “in the car…but fighting traffic” selfies, then “hope this coffee wakes me up” selfies and by the time the day is over, we’ve all seen 15 unnecessary images. I prolly post one every few months

      • Yahmo Bethere

        What’s up with people ranting in their cars? Seat belt on and they’re looking down at their console-mounted phone.

        If I were going to rant, I’d set up a home studio.

    • Blueberry01

      Nice avi…

  • I’m not sure what’s up with the current Facebook trend- “Drop a selfie and we’ll rate you.” These status’ have hundreds of comments and dozens of active participants.

    • MsCee

      Lmfao those selfie FB games are the absolute worst…I can’t believe grown adults actually participate and rate each other lmfaoooooooo

    • Vanity in Peril

      See, the way my self esteem is set up…nawl.

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