Sean Spicer Is What Happens When You Give Mediocre White Men Microphones » VSB

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Sean Spicer Is What Happens When You Give Mediocre White Men Microphones

Currently, my 16-month-old daughter’s single favorite thing to do is watch Elmo’s World. And say Elmo in anticipation whatever I crack open my laptop or turn on a TV. And pick up my phone, place it to her ear, and try to call Elmo on it.

Her second favorite thing to do is to grab things that are inside of other things, remove them, and place them neatly in another location. If there’s a purse or an attache laying around, she will open it, remove the contents small enough for her to be able to move — old receipts, wallets, lip gloss, etc — and place them all on a couch. Or my hand. Or the dog, if he’s sleeping nearby.

Sometimes, however, she gets too ambitious and attempts to grab something she’s not yet tall enough to safely reach or strong enough to comfortably move. Which is what happened yesterday evening, when she attempted to pull the diaper bag sitting on the dresser on to the floor. But the bag was too big and the dresser was too high, so she couldn’t quite handle it and would have pulled it on top of herself and totally fell backwards with it if my wife hadn’t noticed her struggling and stopped her mid-pull.

Anyway, I thought of my daughter this afternoon when Sean Spicer added the signature piece to his burgeoning and sublime collection of remarkable gaffes. (Seriously, this dude has enough gaffes to make leftover gaffe sandwiches and stew a hearty gaffe soup.) While attempting to frame the atrocities committed by Bashar al-Assad, he suggested that Hitler (Yes. That Hitler.) didn’t use chemical weapons during WWII or against his own people. Apparently the gas chamber — only the single most infamous device of murder wielded by the Nazis — was just a big room with some secondhand Newport smoke it in. Not really all that different than the check cashing place next to the Rite-Aid on East Ohio Street in Pittsburgh.

Of course, for those who’ve studied the peculiarities unique to the culture of White Mediocrity — the anthropological subcategory exclusively comprised of candy corn-ass White people who’re convinced they’re king-sized fucking Snickers — none of this is a surprise. This is what happens when they’re promoted above their abilities and allowed statuses they haven’t earned and platforms they don’t deserve. They reach for shit their mediocre-ass arms are too short to grab. Just as a tiger is going to eventually just go tiger, because that inevitability is coded into his DNA, an aggressively mediocre White man is going to go mediocrewhiteman as long as he’s able to.

If the world were truly just, Donald Trump would be hawking 17-year-old Hyundais in a vacant Youngstown, Ohio lot and Sean Spicer would be his mascot on the sidewalk, holding a “No Credit, No Problem” sign, dressed in a giraffe costume, and using his lunch breaks to masturbate in the bathroom of the Arby’s across the street. But life aint fair, and White Mediocrity rules Washington, so all we can do is hide the diaper bags.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • This is wonderful.

  • Val

    Nice read, Damon.

  • Furious Styles

    Spicer is an abused dog. But he knew what he was signing up for.

    • Val

      Spicer is an abuser.

      There, fixed it for you, Furious.

  • ForeveryMountain

    @disqus_QGKOTi1oX5:disqus @disqus_COadNnnOVt:disqus
    https://youtu.be/FuahDpdsKsQ

  • Will dive into this after dinner, but wanted to shout out VSB for giving the culture 3x in a row to jump in on the convo. If you came to the party 1299 comments too late earlier, because of work and ish, this is your moment. Lol

    • ForeveryMountain

      Yeah. I was so happy to see a ” free” post.

    • LMNOP

      I haven’t been on VSB much the past few weeks and looking through the million comments here I’m just thinking “who are half of these people?”

      • Spicy Kas

        All the letters looking down her nose at new booty. Tsk, tsk, tsk

        • LMNOP

          New people are great and all, but it’s a surprising amount of unfamiliar faces.

      • A.G.

        I noticed that too! And I’ve been on here everyday this week.

  • CrayolaGirl

    Thanks for this post. Spot on.

    Plus I love reading about your daughter.

  • I_AmU

    His statement was not a gaffe. It was a view into his and the WH’s psyche. His statement is a dog whistle:Hitler was human and those who follow Judaism are not. Therefore, ignore the gas used to exterminate Jewish people was a chemical. Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are the exceptions because they’re the boss’s family. But if Bannon had his way they would disappear. Literally.

    • Duncan Frame

      And the holocaust was a technicality…

      To be fair his entire base has that same systemic removal from reality.

  • CrankUpThe_AC

    He is SO bad at this job though. Like laughably bad. His WHOLE job is to speak to people? Can’t be.

    • Alessandro De Medici

      Lol to be fair, how could someone be good at this job, working for Trump?

      This is a guy who makes his own staff guess what he is thinking lmao.

      • ForeveryMountain

        I thought their job was to interpret into “normal” what 45 says, even if it requires using alternative facts

        • Alessandro De Medici

          The job usually has been to spin events and comments (to a lesser extent) into the administration’s favor, if we’re being cynical. It’s rare, in past administrations that the press secretary was considered a “translator.” Even Bush for all his gaffes and idiocy, was coherent and didn’t require a linguistic analysis to make sense of what he was talking about.

          • ForeveryMountain

            So a baby babble translator then?

          • CrankUpThe_AC

            What I’m hearing right now is we need a translator for the translator. That’s problematic.

    • Val

      He’s a parody of himself he’s so bad. I mean, do we really need Melissa McCarthy? SNL should just air video of Spicer.

    • CrayolaGirl

      I’m wondering how he got the job. He’s never prepared or relax. He can’t spin to save his life. If anything, he should know what not to say.

      • Val

        “I’m wondering how he got the job.”

        He’s White. That apparently was the only requirement.

        • CrayolaGirl

          That’s the sad part of it all…it was the only requirement. White man. SMH

        • Duncan Frame

          And he didn’t turn it down I guess was the other one.

        • Duncan Frame

          And no shame.

        • cedriclathan

          What was he doing before he was thrust, like a limp pinas, towards the face of the public?

      • CrankUpThe_AC

        I just don’t get it. He makes me anxious every time he speaks. Even when he’s not objectively offensive. The way he tells time would probably make me want to meditate.

        • CrayolaGirl

          I haven’t watched him since they rolled out the Trumpcare plan. When he reached over, placed his hand on the papers and said “look at how much smaller this plan is compared to Obamacare.”

          My eyes almost stayed in the back of my head from rolling so hard. MFer, if it’s smaller that mean you guys left out a whole bunch of important details! GTFOHWTBS!

        • Brass Tacks

          Spicer’s style of communication comes across as condescending and abrasive at the best of times.

          It’s almost as if he wants to fade his entire audience.

          • ForeveryMountain

            Do you blame him. At this point I wonder what they have on him which is preventing him from resigning?

            • Brass Tacks

              I agree he’s in a difficult position, but he agreed to the job.

              Communicating effectively on that platform is essential to disseminating the latest presidential policies, reforms, and musings to the masses.

              He’s not even attempting to do that well.

              I’m surprised he hasn’t been replaced.

              No I’m not.

              • Mr. Mooggyy

                Sean sold his soul during this campaign! At what point do you look out for self? He’s definitely not thinking long term when it comes to life after the White House!

                • cedriclathan

                  He has to be banking his money and saving to live in some other country after this is over. Maybe on the other side of Lil’ hands wall.

              • ForeveryMountain

                Make no mistake, I have no sympathy for him, but I wonder why he is still at the job

          • CrankUpThe_AC

            I’m just waiting for a reporter to steal off on him

      • ForeveryMountain

        He probably needs to get his own ganja plantation by the time he leaves this job

      • One of these days, he’s just gonna lose it, and bolt from the room screaming, “save yourselves!”

  • Alessandro De Medici

    Eh, compared to most of his gaffes, the chemical weapon one is technically forgivable. You could argue that the gas chambers were used for experimentation, as opposed to the context of chemical weapons in WW1 which were used by the Germans in WW1 (The Great War doc on PBS was on last night and it was pretty good). Then again, why go there though?

    That being said, I don’t think anyone with competence works for Trump, and if they have even a tinge bit, like some of the Generals he brought on, they just ignore him and he shuts up.

    • Hugh Akston

      So Spicer’s post might be open are you applying?

      Heck I heard a lot of posts were still open your talent is needed

      • Alessandro De Medici

        Since it’s a clown show, as long as I’m paid good, I don’t mind doing it if I get to wear a panda mask and have my identity hidden from the public.

        https://media.giphy.com/media/hKhyOTd6NeFrO/giphy.gif

        • ForeveryMountain

          We wouldn’t know it’s you. Lol

          • Alessandro De Medici

            Y’all aint the only ones I’m worried about.

        • Hugh Akston

          I mean we do need someone to steer the ship ? properly sir

          I think it was Dimon who said (paraphrasing) “when you’re in a plane you root for the pilot” but that’s a scary analogy thinking about this lol

          We need to see your face sir

          • ForeveryMountain

            Will you reveal yours?

            • Hugh Akston

              How are you Tam?

              • ForeveryMountain

                I am good Father Hugh. How have things been going ?

                • Hugh Akston

                  Things are cool taking it day by day

          • Alessandro De Medici

            Welp, sheit, if that’s the case…I’d rather pull a Titanic:

            http://i44.tinypic.com/9r63a0.gif

    • esa

      Then again, why go there though?

      dog whistle on one of the holiest holidays of the year. he ain’t slick.

  • Mizwest

    Bannon looks like he drinks scotch during the WH meetings, at lunch, at home and such. The red nose, rosy cheeks and unkempt appearance are a dead give away the he takes one too many back regularly.

    • Val

      And he prolly does a little meth too. You know, like his supporters.

      • Mizwest

        Trumps cabinet consists of his “boys club” and golf buddies. I can’t even bring myself to listen to Spicer’s press conference’s. I’m just like is this really happening? Yes bih, YES!

        • CrayolaGirl

          That’s why it’s crumbling at his feet. He appointed people that think like him: I’m in the highest position. Y’all do the work and make me look good.

          Main problem: If you don’t know the basics of your roles/responsibilities, the people that work for you can create all types of fu€Ksh!t and chaos.

          Has he even hit the 100 day mark?

          • Mizwest

            Disco inferno plays in my head on the daily.

        • cedriclathan

          I can only watch the SNL Spicer reenactments, and only those as highlights. Haven’t been able to watch a whole SNL in decades. I don’t find Baldwin’s, Drumpf, funny. The telling of what he said is funnier than watching it live, to me, anyway.

      • Duncan Frame

        Apparently Hitler was well into meth.

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        His face looks the part. Like dude. You are clearly on something…

    • cakes_and_pies
    • Brown Rose

      Bannon has a classic alkie face. All that bloat and red.

    • NonyaB?

      He’s been known to have drugs n drank problems in the past, so…

      • Mizwest

        Go figure…

    • KNeale

      Bannon looks like a walker.

    • AProst

      He just looks like a corpse. Like half of the other bozos on his staff.

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