Featured, Race & Politics

Sean Spicer Is What Happens When You Give Mediocre White Men Microphones

Currently, my 16-month-old daughter’s single favorite thing to do is watch Elmo’s World. And say Elmo in anticipation whatever I crack open my laptop or turn on a TV. And pick up my phone, place it to her ear, and try to call Elmo on it.

Her second favorite thing to do is to grab things that are inside of other things, remove them, and place them neatly in another location. If there’s a purse or an attache laying around, she will open it, remove the contents small enough for her to be able to move — old receipts, wallets, lip gloss, etc — and place them all on a couch. Or my hand. Or the dog, if he’s sleeping nearby.

Sometimes, however, she gets too ambitious and attempts to grab something she’s not yet tall enough to safely reach or strong enough to comfortably move. Which is what happened yesterday evening, when she attempted to pull the diaper bag sitting on the dresser on to the floor. But the bag was too big and the dresser was too high, so she couldn’t quite handle it and would have pulled it on top of herself and totally fell backwards with it if my wife hadn’t noticed her struggling and stopped her mid-pull.

Anyway, I thought of my daughter this afternoon when Sean Spicer added the signature piece to his burgeoning and sublime collection of remarkable gaffes. (Seriously, this dude has enough gaffes to make leftover gaffe sandwiches and stew a hearty gaffe soup.) While attempting to frame the atrocities committed by Bashar al-Assad, he suggested that Hitler (Yes. That Hitler.) didn’t use chemical weapons during WWII or against his own people. Apparently the gas chamber — only the single most infamous device of murder wielded by the Nazis — was just a big room with some secondhand Newport smoke it in. Not really all that different than the check cashing place next to the Rite-Aid on East Ohio Street in Pittsburgh.

Of course, for those who’ve studied the peculiarities unique to the culture of White Mediocrity — the anthropological subcategory exclusively comprised of candy corn-ass White people who’re convinced they’re king-sized fucking Snickers — none of this is a surprise. This is what happens when they’re promoted above their abilities and allowed statuses they haven’t earned and platforms they don’t deserve. They reach for shit their mediocre-ass arms are too short to grab. Just as a tiger is going to eventually just go tiger, because that inevitability is coded into his DNA, an aggressively mediocre White man is going to go mediocrewhiteman as long as he’s able to.

If the world were truly just, Donald Trump would be hocking 17-year-old Hyundais in a vacant Youngstown, Ohio lot and Sean Spicer would be his mascot on the sidewalk, holding a “No Credit, No Problem” sign, dressed in a giraffe costume, and using his lunch breaks to masturbate in the bathroom of the Arby’s across the street. But life aint fair, and White Mediocrity rules Washington, so all we can do is hide the diaper bags.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • ForeveryMountain

    Spicy’s attempt to clarify which is in no way better
    https://twitter.com/BraddJaffy/status/851869869142401024

    • “M”

      He says this EVERY TIME he issues some sort of Holocaust-denial-adjacent statement.

      Every single time.

      • ForeveryMountain

        I wonder if he is implying the Jews deserved it by the use of the word “innocent”?

        • “M”

          I’m sure he is. He’s a neo-Nazi apologist if he’s not the genuine article.

  • D A

    Words fail! Except its not just the diaper bags, someone needs to grab the nuclear codes!

  • Miles

    You know how the president ages over years of his term. I promise this dude has aged 10 years in the past 3 months. KellyAnne Conway too is looking especially haggard. Darth Cheetos…he looks about the same. Probably all the fresh air he gets on the weekend golfing. But those two will resemble walking dead zombies by December if the same rate of decay prevails.

  • After Melissa McCarthy roasted him on SNL I just can’t take him seriously!! lol

  • laralaw

    It’s not just ineptitude, though. I mean, the inept part is being a public spokesperson who’s so tone deaf he doesn’t realize how offensive a statement like that would be considered. But the idea that Hitler didn’t gas “his own people” — I am sure in the minds of the current administration and its lackeys, Jews who were born and raised in Germany didn’t qualify as real Germans. It’s part of the same mindset behind their constant efforts to dog-whistle a distinction between real Americans and not-so-real.

  • TheUnsungStoryteller

    My thought when I read what he stated in the news: NIGGUHHH…did you NOT pay attention at all in middle school classes during the Holocaust unit???

    I learned about the horrors of Auschwitz in the 8th grade and never forgot about that messed up mess. What kind crap is he trying to pull???

    • “M”

      He didn’t think he had to pay attention.

      Open your Mirriam-Webster to “mediocre” and his picture will be right there doing the illustrating.

  • LMNOP

    Cute baby anecdotes but no picture! I see how it is.

    Also, that story about her climbing to get a diaper bag off the top of a dresser made me think of a random but important safety thing I recently learned. It is very dangerous to put a TV on top of a dresser, a kid climbing to turn it on can knock the TV off the dresser, and the weight of a TV falling from that height can kill a child. I had no idea about this until very recently. ~~~* The more you know.

  • Hugh Akston

    Godwin’s law is still present

  • “M”
  • Rastaman

    Now we know the long term effect of swallowing cinnamon gum, idiocy.
    But seriously, I am not shocked by these inane statements coming out of the mouths of any Trump appointee like there boss they know very little of the world outside there immediate selves. God forbid he hires one of those “pointy head” intellectual types.
    After they fire Spicer, Trump should just hire Oswald Bates, his BS fits rights in with the WH

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