Featured, Race & Politics

Sean Spicer Is What Happens When You Give Mediocre White Men Microphones

Currently, my 16-month-old daughter’s single favorite thing to do is watch Elmo’s World. And say Elmo in anticipation whatever I crack open my laptop or turn on a TV. And pick up my phone, place it to her ear, and try to call Elmo on it.

Her second favorite thing to do is to grab things that are inside of other things, remove them, and place them neatly in another location. If there’s a purse or an attache laying around, she will open it, remove the contents small enough for her to be able to move — old receipts, wallets, lip gloss, etc — and place them all on a couch. Or my hand. Or the dog, if he’s sleeping nearby.

Sometimes, however, she gets too ambitious and attempts to grab something she’s not yet tall enough to safely reach or strong enough to comfortably move. Which is what happened yesterday evening, when she attempted to pull the diaper bag sitting on the dresser on to the floor. But the bag was too big and the dresser was too high, so she couldn’t quite handle it and would have pulled it on top of herself and totally fell backwards with it if my wife hadn’t noticed her struggling and stopped her mid-pull.

Anyway, I thought of my daughter this afternoon when Sean Spicer added the signature piece to his burgeoning and sublime collection of remarkable gaffes. (Seriously, this dude has enough gaffes to make leftover gaffe sandwiches and stew a hearty gaffe soup.) While attempting to frame the atrocities committed by Bashar al-Assad, he suggested that Hitler (Yes. That Hitler.) didn’t use chemical weapons during WWII or against his own people. Apparently the gas chamber — only the single most infamous device of murder wielded by the Nazis — was just a big room with some secondhand Newport smoke it in. Not really all that different than the check cashing place next to the Rite-Aid on East Ohio Street in Pittsburgh.

Of course, for those who’ve studied the peculiarities unique to the culture of White Mediocrity — the anthropological subcategory exclusively comprised of candy corn-ass White people who’re convinced they’re king-sized fucking Snickers — none of this is a surprise. This is what happens when they’re promoted above their abilities and allowed statuses they haven’t earned and platforms they don’t deserve. They reach for shit their mediocre-ass arms are too short to grab. Just as a tiger is going to eventually just go tiger, because that inevitability is coded into his DNA, an aggressively mediocre White man is going to go mediocrewhiteman as long as he’s able to.

If the world were truly just, Donald Trump would be hocking 17-year-old Hyundais in a vacant Youngstown, Ohio lot and Sean Spicer would be his mascot on the sidewalk, holding a “No Credit, No Problem” sign, dressed in a giraffe costume, and using his lunch breaks to masturbate in the bathroom of the Arby’s across the street. But life aint fair, and White Mediocrity rules Washington, so all we can do is hide the diaper bags.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Roz

    I honestly don’t think he is happy with this job. He can’t be.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      Betting he’s making these gaffes to get fired. He’s a mainline Republican

      • Roz

        He may be the one behind the Anti Donnie account on twitter, hiding in plain sight. He is a walking Trojan horse.

        • cedriclathan

          At least a walking Trojan…

    • NonyaB?

      He must be or he would have resigned if he had any semblance of integrity left (and I’m sure he wouldn’t have lack for opportunities after). He just is a horrible person.

      • I think he doesn’t like it, but doesn’t have the integrity to step down from a prestigious position. His eyes just get redder and redder. I don’t feel for him at all though. If he wants to give himself a stroke and die, then let him die.

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      Not the way he be looking half the time…CONSTIPATED REGULAR JOE SCHMOE looking ahh…

      • Brown Rose

        With a face that red he definitely in apoplectic territory. A stroke may well be in his future.

        • Gibbous

          Apoplectic! (Tee hee!)

    • Jennifer

      If that’s true, I would be surprised.

      I think that dead glaze in his eye some may read as shame, is just a sore lack of communication skills.

    • SororSalsa

      I’m sure he isn’t but what else is he going to do? I don’t think he’s got enough money to ride off into the sunset. He’s going to need a job if he quits, but who’s going to hire him at this point? He probably does want to get fired.

  • Madame Zenobia

    “While attempting to frame the atrocities committed by Bashar al-Assad, he suggested that Hitler (Yes. That Hitler.) didn’t use chemical weapons during WWII or against his own people. Apparently the gas chamber — only the single most infamous device of murder wielded by the Nazis — was just a big room with some secondhand Newport smoke it in.”
    Still can’t figure out if he was saying Hitler’s methods were “different” chambers v. flyovers OR if he was saying Hitler didn’t gas “his people”. That he only gassed Jews living in countries other than Germany OR that Jews living in Germany weren’t really Germans. Lordt, typing all that made my head hurt. Especially because he probably believes all of the above.
    In the words of someone else, “Is it really a gaffe when it’s what you actually believe?”

    • Diego Duarte

      This why I can’t call Alt-Righters “trolls”, because trolls are supposed to be aware of the difference between reality and perception. These sub-mediocre white males are just beyond fucking stupid and a clear indication that, if such a thing as racial superiority existed, they would be at the very bottom of that scale.

    • Charlito Brown

      Unrelated comment: I so dig your handle. May Silky Slim and his masked goons never rob your after-hours spot Uptown at gunpoint.

      To your comment: Yes, pretty much my thoughts exactly.

      “Never have so few owed so much to so many.”

      • Madame Zenobia

        Thank you for the well-wishes. I have asked Little Seymour Pettigrew to take over security. I’m confident we’ll be safe.

        • Charlito Brown

          Word bond. I heard he said you and him are tight. I was gonna try to holla anyway, but I chilled lol.

  • KeciB

    I met Elie Wiesel back in 2000 and heard first-hand his story of surviving the Holocaust, so for this lump of lion shyt to suggest this never happened is beyond despicable.

  • NonyaB?

    DayMoan, ya better don’t let Spicer come after you; I heard he’s real violent:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/dd1b1fae0ea20a18931cc64d383aac718e90c7747b4de7a6536b8fdd5539879c.gif

    • Just was thinking this!!!

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      She did an excellent job. And I didn’t know who Spicer was before I saw her role.

    • Glo

      He basically writes the sketch for her.

    • pamb

      So hoping Melissa is on SNL this week!

      • Duncan Frame

        They in the sketch meeting for hours with their heads in their hands “how can we ridicule this more”

  • AKA The Sauce

    I wonder how much he drinks at night to sleep

    • MsKeisha23

      gallons

    • D A

      Obviously not enough since he still wakes up

      • “M”

        I’ve been waiting for cirrhosis to take Bannon out of contention. (There are rumors.)

        Not yet.

        *waits*

        • Duncan Frame

          Rumour has it he uses Spicer’s and Conway’s livers to clean his blood while they are sleeping. Hence the premature ageing.

      • ClaymoreParamore

        Damn D A but I also agree *sips tea spiked with bourbon*

        • ForeveryMountain

          Or Bourbon spiked with tea

      • TW112

        That is the best thing I have read all day.

      • This was very mean and I am completely down for it.

  • Simon Gage

    Sean Spicer is about as spicy as boiled cauliflower w/a delicious lukewarm water sauce. Oh, & Hitler.

  • PinkRose

    I’ve only got 2 Chemistry degrees including a Masters but the last time I checked, a gas was a CHEMICAL substance.

    • ForeveryMountain

      Are you sure your science degrees are the right kind of science PR?

    • Roz

      No, not that gas..he means the other one..lol

    • Diego Duarte

      Hold on Pink Rose, I’m gonna let you have your minute on the stage in a moment, but why don’t we entertain the thought that maybe, this mediocre white man, playing Devil’s advocate, has a similar level of expertise? I mean, he’s a white man with a Youtube education, verified by Wikipedia.

      • ForeveryMountain

        cold Diego, just cold

      • Duncan Frame

        Lemme just unverify that to win the argument. Brb…

    • Hugh Akston
      • Duncan Frame

        Well played.

        • Kathleencbriseno

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          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
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      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        I wish I had the amount of confidence and assholeness it takes to tell people something is wrong with a straight face knowing damn sure they have a completely valid point and I know it but I want to uphold my pride and my assholeness so I keep my straight face and tell them that they’re wrong.

        Sadly, I just have confidence.

        • Carlettaghicks

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !mj157:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !mj157:
          ??
          ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash157HomeCoolGetPay$97Hour ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????:::::!mj157:….,….

        • Rosejjackson

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !sw237c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !sw237c:
          ??
          ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs527NetworkBetterGetPaid$97/Hour ????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!sw237c:….,……..

        • Duncan Frame

          You have to ditch the shame. It’s the sense of shame holding you back.

          • TheUnsungStoryteller

            True…shame plays a big part of it…and I don’t have the guts to lose my heart

      • Annalise Keating

        LMAO ??????

    • Mimi Dean

      So we’re just supposed to take your word for it, right? Stop shaking your head, Woman!

    • Tom

      Last time I checked everything was a chemical substance and gas was a state of matter.

      • PinkRose

        Check again DUMB A$$ because things like your brain are not chemical substances, it’s a BIOLOGICAL substance.

        More specifically you’re brain is a biological substance called a piece of $hit.

        Now take your wiki “STEM degree” and GTFOH!

        • Marilyn Evans

          A mere lowly microbiologist here, but let’s look at the hierarchy. Subatomic particles make up atoms which can make up elements which can make up chemicals which make up biological substances which can make up organisms… I could go on. The elements and chemicals (and some biological substances) can be in the solid, liquid or gaseous state. I myself am mostly solid and liquid except when I have gas.

          • PinkRose

            Ah yes the what came first the chicken or the egg argument. The word substance dictates my original response to this question, Otherwise we spend a LOT of time focused on electrons, protons, and/or neutrons.

            BTW I love micro, got a minor in it, and I’m specializing in infectious diseases. In the end, microbes will out live us all, I think.

  • ForeveryMountain

    It’s an period of alternative facts, so in his reality the gas chambers had solid pellets

  • wtf

    I logged in to say THIS MAN IS NOT MEDIOCRE…he’s less than that. Please.

    • “M”

      sub-mediocre

  • klynnindurham

    Oh my god, yes. All of this, but especially “if the world were truly just..”

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