its been 25 years since a midnight viewing of the monolith monsters shook the young champ so much that he refused to walk on pebbles and anywhere else where swarms of rocks were present. this extreme b*tchassness ended six months later when i entered first grade, and realized that the pebbles near the swings where were all the cute girls hung out at recess.
most men have similar stories, where they learned how to deal with what scares them after realizing that visible fear is the most surefire female repellent. fear never goes away though, just what it is that scares us. pebbles, poodles, and puddles eventually change to police, prison rape, and burnt p*ssy.
as another example of the verysmartbrothas.com commitment to fighting crime, here’s nine things that every man is scared to death of.
1. committing to the wrong person
although the idea of hell usually includes some combination of pitchforks, sulfur, and soulja boy cd’s on loop, most men consider the idea of being in a long-term relationship with the wrong person as even worse.
obviously, women have this same fear, but since most of us feel that “being in a faithful relationship” is the antithesis of our latent nature, we feel like we have to “change” more than women do for a relationship to work. its almost like we have to alter a portion of our dna. because of this, finding out that we made a huge commitment (ie: marriage, home ownership, dual bally’s memberships etc) with the wrong person makes us feel like we’ve taken two l’s instead of one.
and divorce? and child support? shiiiiiiiiit. just seeing those words probably induced chills on half the vsb’s reading this.
2. getting a “one trillion” in life
used to denote a (basketball) player who has played one (or more) minutes without recording any other statistic. the term takes its name from its appearance in a box score, as it reads as one followed by twelve zeros – the conventional american rendering of “one trillion.”
because the box score shows that you basically made the exact same contribution to the game as the popcorn venders, this is one of the most humiliating things that can happen to a ballplayer.
there aren’t many things that scare a man more than the prospect of getting a “one trillion” in life, dying and leaving no evidence whatsoever that you were even alive
3. having an extremely unattractive daughter
while we’d love a mud duck daughter just as much as a cute one, this scares us because we all remember how the ugly girl in school was (mis)treated, and we wouldn’t wish that on our worst enemy.
with that being said, we’d still rather deal with this than the prospect of…
4. having an early “developed” and hotpants daughter
basically, we just hope that any daughter we have will be a nerdy tomboy with a cute face who doesn’t grow breasts or booty until she’s 22.
- there’s a reason she’s the vsb’s favorite cp3
5. being wrongly accused of a crime
because of the helplessness you’d feel, and the fact that it could eventually lead to this…
6. prison rape
“I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile – prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him – sometimes he was able to fight ‘em off, sometimes not. And that’s how it went for Andy – that was his routine.”
lets just say that we’d all love to go through our lives without morgan freeman uttering those words about us
7. getting “b*tched” or made to feel helpless in front of your woman
for those unsure of what i’m referring to, just watch this scene again
8. knocking up a jump-off
an unexpected pregnancy is bad enough, but an unexpected pregnancy from the hoodrat applebee’s waitress you met at the cut-rate is enough to send any sane man to an insane asylum. seriously, thinking about sh*t like that makes you want to invest in kevlar rubbers. or, you know, actually start wearing them
9. the “unfaithful”
for those who’ve never seen this movie, the “unfaithful” occurs when you’re in a seemingly happy relationship, with a seemingly happy and content woman, and she cheats on you with a jim jones doppleganger. i know cheating hurts women too, but because many of you all expect men to cheat anyway, most of you have support systems and sh*t already in place as well as the “he was a dog” perfunctory fall back.
when a woman cheats though, the guy is out there by himself. no support systems, and he doesnt want to even tell anyone about it because the prevailing thought will be “well, if he was taking care of stuff in the bedroom, it wouldn’t have happened”
this usually leads us with one option: murder
i’m sure i’m missing a few. is there anything else that puts a universal chill down the spine of men (or women)?
also, besides the idea of another solo diddy album, what in particular scares you?
the carpet is yours and sh*t
—the champ
For Women
1.Not getting married
2. Not being able to have children
3. Unexpected Menstural Cycle Accidents….
Its a few more but im tired
@MizThickaDenThick, My missing number 5 was supposed to be not being able to have children of my own. I guess I’m a cliche. At least I’m not fanatical about any of my fears.
@MizThickaDenThick,
3. Unexpected Menstural Cycle Accidents….
Its a few more but im tired
you know, up until a couple years ago, i didnt even know this was possible. i thought all women knew like the exact date and time that their cycle would begin
@The Champ,
You do if you’re on BC or if you are regular. Then you have some type of idea when it’s showing up.
Other times, that ish is a total suprise…lol
@miss t-lee,
That surprise sucks balls!
You’re fine one minute, then WHAM murder scene!
@SunEone,
lol @ murder scene
yeah the great thing about BC, besides controlling
unexpectedbirths, is that it allows you to know the day and TIME (of day) the womb excretion is to begin so no accidents happen@SunEone,
Yeah the murder scene is a no go!!! For the last 2 years since I went off the BC I’ve been experiencing these “suprises”.
Thanks Mother Nature, ya bald headed scallywag.
@t-lee,
“ya bald headed scallywag”
Should paid ya light bill. You bought a outfit! (ALright, alright!)
@ me fail english?,
Good save.
I’m not even in a hip hop mood today.
@The Champ,
I used to have it down, but lately it’s been fluctuating a bit…Aunt Flo visits like an unexpected annoying auntie…who always brings fruitcake.
@The Champ,
“you know, up until a couple years ago, i didnt even know this was possible. i thought all women knew like the exact date and time that their cycle would begin”
i just started counting recently. just makes life easier. but i usually know when its coming soon. i just get a feeling…..
@MizThickaDenThick,
Ummm…..
1. Impotence
I went to the doctor recently and he asked me about side effects for this medicine he prescribed. I said I was cool, there was a pause, and the doc then said “No problems with impotence, right?”
Personally, I felt like smacking him for not mentioning earlier that this particular medicine might cause impotence. While I’ve never had that problem, the mere possibility terrifies me so much that I would have risked the medical problems that could have occurred by refusing to take the prescribed medicine. I’m still taking the medicine, but any sign of the Jimmy wilting and it’s curtains.
2. Gay son
Sorry, this would be bad for me. Not just a gay son, but a flamboyantly gay son who liked to dress like a Morehouse man would be a problem. A real problem. That makes you question every decision you made as a father.
I completely agree about the committing to the wrong person fear, it’s one of my top three fears. This is my list in order:
1. Losing a child (once I have one) or one of my nieces or nephews.
2. Losing a sibling or significant other
3. Committing to the wrong person. Again.
4. I’ll admit that I’m scared of not finding the right person and dying alone.
5. Being stuck on a deserted island with Flava Flav and New York.
@SaneN85,
I’ll second #4. and unfortunately that could lead to #3 just to avoid that. sucks ass, lemme tell you.
@SaneN85, Re: #5 – LMBAO!
@SaneN85,
damn. each of these are scary as hell. eli roth should just say “f*ck it” and incorporate all of this in the screenplay for hostel 3
@SaneN85, that is a pretty scary list. man. i need to go call my mother or Miss Cleo.
call me now!
@Panama Jackson, I was one of the first to respond, and I guess I came out on a more serious tip. I really am not that morbid, but these are my biggest fears. I wasn’t tryin to have Ms. Cleo’s phone ringing again for the first time in a decade, and I wasn’t trying to be today’s wet blanket.
@SaneN85,
aw I’m scared of all of those things too. yo, if i eva lost my mom…. dayum… i cant even imagine my life without her or my baby sis….
Things that scare me sh*tless:
*Lil Wayne & other Roaches – I saw a roach like 5 feet in front of me. Instead of going in for the kill, I hopped up and down in the same spot, flailing my arms and saying “EEEEKKK!! It’s a rooooaaacchhh!!” for at least 30 seconds.
*The Dark – What’s there? I don’t know. EXACTLY! Don’t judge me.
*Horror movies – “Poltergeist” is the reason why I’m afraid of…
*Clowns – Between the chalky white face, the red lips painted in a perpetual smile and the receding hairline, clowns are just an all around NO.
@Luvvie,
the dark–i hear you.
@Luvvie,
“It”–the movie– is the reason why I don’t like clowns. Not really scared, but I can do without a clown in my life. Especially killer clowns chasing me and my friends….
@insomN.I.A.,
“It”–the movie– is the reason why I don’t like clowns. Not really scared, but I can do without a clown in my life. Especially killer clowns chasing me and my friends….
so i guess you werent a fan of “killer klowns from outer space” then?
@The Champ,
I was scared of “It” and I LOVED “Killer Klowns”. I feel like that used to come on HBO like every morning at 6am for years.
@Me fail english?,
Nah that was Cinemax…lol
HBO wasn’t showing that ish!!!!
ha!
@The Champ,
Killer Klowns was that ish! They never show that movie anymore. I tried to find the dvd, but no luck.
@BlkBond,
Ok! I still find popcorn and cotton candy portentous and spooky.
@insomN.I.A., IT was freaky. but then I read the book–why I do that? I’on know. lol. Pennywise the clown was soooooooo spooky. Killer Clowns from outer space was hilarious to me though.
@Luvvie, Oh damn! Don’t bring up Poltergeist. That sh*t still has me shiverin’!
@Champ>Other womanly fears:
1. Getting “Vince Vaughned”: you know how Vince Vaughn was the cool dude in Swingers (“money baby!”) and now he’s like..Al Bundy Jr.? Lord help the chick who ends up with a dude like that…
2. I’m afraid of stank. Not stink as in ‘the garbage stinks a bit, please take it out..” but as in footstank, breathstank etc..
3. Losing my man in some weird accident: like getting hit by a speeding ambulance or something… AAHH! Freak ish like that..
@GeekChicness,
Getting “Vince Vaughned”
**adding term to daily vsb lexicon**
@GeekChicness, getting hit by a speeding ambulance would have to rank as one of the most ironic deaths ever. i’m sure its happened before but yeesh.
btw, alanis morrissette shoudl revisit her song “ironic” and base it around this premise so that there would be some actual irony in the song.
and all you people saying the song is ironic bc nothing in the song is actually ironic are insane and need jesus.
that sounds stupid to me.
@Luvvie,
What the duece happened to the hyperlink of my name??? VSB is playing bald-headed games!
@Thuggie Luvvie,
hyperlink deez
Contracting a incurable disease and dying a horribly painful death….
Sorry, didnt mean to be so morbid. Oh and commiting to the wrong person.
@niteshiftnurse,
welcome and sh*t.
@niteshiftnurse,
“Contracting a incurable disease and dying a horribly painful death….”
So umm… you’re not gonna be sleeping w/ Lil Wayne no time soon huh? I’m CONVINCED that his crotch harbors weapons of mass diseases. Can’t nobody tell me otherwise.
@niteshiftnurse, well since you mentioned it, there really are a lot of quite morbid people on this comment list today.
i think death should be like a given.
then of course, i always thought losing virginity would be a given too until i started watching day time television.
@niteshiftnurse,
YES!!! That scares me every time I have off the cuff sex…you just dont know now and days. People don’t tell you they have an incurable disease like how they tell you they can lay some good pipe.
@niteshiftnurse,
yay for nurses! lol
Number 1 is number 1 for a reason. It is terrifying. Number 8 has kept me from sleeping with a lot of less than attractive girls. I swear every time I even think about it I can see my mom’s face when I come home and have to tell her this wildebeest is the mother of her future grandchild and it scares the **** out of me. Let’s just say my mother doesn’t hide her true feelings very well and the look of disdain would be biblical.
Also I’m afraid of foreign insects and animals… not animals we have here in America for the most part but animals from the amazon and the desert. Since I was in the Air Force, my friends would always tell me about camel spiders. I’ve never seen one in person but I seen pictures and trust if I did see one in person I’m OUT!
@A-Town Genius,
ooooh.. I’m not normally scared of insects, but there’s this spider that I swear smirks at me (outside the veranda of my house). It also rubs its middle part lovingly with extremely hairy feet and it’s HUGE!! Don’t know its name, don’t want to. I fear waking up and finding it cuddling next to my pillow one morning.. *shivers*
@Wanjiru,
“It also rubs its middle part lovingly with extremely hairy feet and it’s HUGE!’
i might have to edit this list now and put “seeing a giant masturbating spider” at number 1
@Wanjiru, this is hilarious on so many levels
@Wanjiru,
HAHA! I just got a visual of the spider in a top hat and monocle. Whenever I hear about public “consternation” I envision the guy in this outfit
@A-Town Genius,
I swear every time I even think about it I can see my mom’s face when I come home and have to tell her this wildebeest is the mother of her future grandchild and it scares the **** out of me. Let’s just say my mother doesn’t hide her true feelings very well and the look of disdain would be biblical.
see, my parents probably wouldnt say anything to me, but they’d definitely start a telephone game with my uncles and aunts. by the time it got back to me it would be “the champ went crazy and married two horses”
@The Champ,
My dad would be the one to start the telephone game and my brother would post pics on facebook
@A-Town Genius,
Dude, I jut goggled camel spiders…holy shyt!!! They look like prehistoric arachnids that possibly killed off small dinosaurs.
…and the after effects of their bite? Whoa…this is on my list of shyt to stay the f*ck away from.
@AkShone, I had the same reaction but your comment is hilarious.
@AkShone,
I’ve actually been to Kuwait and Camel spiders are a reality, however some of those pictures are exaggerated. The biggest I saw was about 2.5″. I’ve seen the bites that they give too…nasty. Don’t believe the hype on those pictures showing them to be the size of a mans palm…it’s not true.
@AkShone,
Is it bad that I’m so scared of spiders I won’t even look? Trust…you don’t wanna be there if I see one in person. Even the tiniest one…NO BUENO.
@AkShone,
That famous pic is shady. Look at it again, the camel spiders aren’t that big.
@A-Town Genius, the genius in me just googled “camel spiders” because I evidently like to torture myself for shats and giggles.
That spider would be enough to make me go AWOL
@Nicki Sunshine,
Yeah you know anytime an insect is named after some other animal, there’s bound to be problems (see also Dragonfly)
@Me fail english?, You ain’t never lied .lol
@Me fail english?,
Hilarious I just spit on my keyboard!
@A-Town Genius,
Camel spiders???? *faints*
iCan’t.
@Thuggie Luvvie, Yeah, I just scratched Iraq off my list of places I wanna see before I die
@Anger Management,
lmao
@A-Town Genius, “Also I’m afraid of foreign insects and animals… not animals we have here in America for the most part but animals from the amazon and the desert. Since I was in the Air Force, my friends would always tell me about camel spiders. I’ve never seen one in person but I seen pictures and trust if I did see one in person I’m OUT!”
I am with you on that one . . . i remember that forward that was going around the air force with the two big @ss camel spiders linked together. . . .Nah yo!
@IVR,
That photo was debunked. Check it out on Snopes.
@IVR,
Yeah I remember that email. I had people tell me they weren’t as big as they looked but I didn’t want any part of them regardless. I might actually be more scared of the scorpions because everytime I saw vids of the marines having camel spider/scorpion UFC fights that scorpion won!
@A-Town Genius,
Never heard of camel spiders. Just GoogleImaged it.
I’m scarred for life.
Also no one is more scared of number 6 than Tom Dubois
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qjyIzrZGK0
@A-Town Genius,
this still cracks me up every time i see it
well about 15 minutes ago, i had a panic attack when i typed in verysmartbrothas.com and it said “nothing found”. for a second i thought that maybe i just woke up after an 18 month long departure from my real life. perhaps my mind created this alter-ego named “miss patterson” in order to cope with the brewing insanity that overflowed as a result of five and a half years of LA, several loveless pursuits, and a year and a half of grad school. i never finished school, i never moved to pittsburgh, i’m just sitting here on the floor of a sparsely decorated livingroom, with imaginary friends named goodeness, intellectual hedonist, and overit and typing in an address to a blog that doesn’t exist. but then…i refreshed my browser and voila! i’m back. yay. dear vsb gods, please don’t scare me like that again. you are my insomnia blankie. thank you and goodnight.
@Miss Patterson,
Lemme get this straight, you woke up and thought that you hadn’t moved to Pittsburgh and weren’t friends with overit and IH and this was a BAD THING????
@Dorian G.,
***shots fired***
wait…i live in pittsburgh too, and am also friends with those two.
bodymore bastard.
@Dorian G.,
Dorian stop frontin’, you know you wish you were from and/or lived in the Burgh. Sixburgh, baby!
@Miss Patterson,
Who knew there were other intelligent beings in Pittsburgh– I thought the entire black/latin community in Pittsburgh was too busy at Krobar and selling drugs/having sex with drug dealers and birthing more little welfarians!!! Loves it!!!
@Miss Patterson, what the f*ck is vsb?
@Panama Jackson, vsb=very strange brothas
I am not afraid of ‘big’ things. You get what you are gonna get out of life.
But clowns, possums, down escalators, midgets and albinos terrify me.
Everything else? Meh.
@V.E.G.,
“down escalators”
Muahahahahaha!!! I got caught in an escalator when I was little. Sucked!
@Me fail english?, “Muahahahahaha!!! I got caught in an escalator when I was little. Sucked!”
Me TOO! In an Alexander’s (when they were around) mom dukes had to go buy me some new sneakers from payless . . . talk about embarrassment
@Me fail english?,
lol my grandma got stuck on the escalator…well actually it was going up and some kid messed around and it start going down and now she refuses to get on them. it was kind of funny tho but she’s really scared of them now.
@V.E.G.,
The down escalator is scary. However, falling down a flight of un-moving stairs scares me to death. And the fall just might kill me. One of hte reasons I hated running the bleachers in HS… we always had to come down.
@N.I.A. naturally,
lmao! I fell down some bleachers of the local high school when I was 12…in front of EVERYBODY. It was hilarious (in retrospect). Surprisingly though, nobody laughed. My crazy ass sister was threatening to beat ppl’s asses for so much as smirking. Thank Jeebs for ultra-violent big sisters
@Me fail english?, lol. This is cute. I think I’ve only recently stopped threatening people over my sister. Like in the past 3 years. I guess it was time.
@all y’all, you all should stop being so clumsy.
@V.E.G.,
so an albino midget clown carrying a possum down an escalator would probably just make your head explode, huh?
@The Champ,
I literally have a recurring nightmare where I am at the top of an escalator and the only way to escape the albino midget clown that is chasing me is to get on and ride down. But wait…there is always a possum at the bottom of the escalator.
@V.E.G., yes I am afraid of the down escalator too! I always get nervous as I get close to the bottom of it. seriously.
@V.E.G.,
lol my mom doesn’t like down escalators either. she’ll let 10 steps pass before she commits to setting her foot on one.
1. Having a child that is a loser. I.E. A crackhead kid, a high school drop out, or a flighty kid that wants to be a clown.
2. Being stuck in a marriage because we want to give our children a proper family.
3. Learning we’re infertile.
4. Being Susie Homemaker, ‘sted of Michelle Obama pre-2009.
5. Having a spouse or boyfriend that cheats and passes on an STD or the package.
6. Finding out our lovers teh gay.
7. Committing to the wrong man.
8. Being a member of the poors.
9. Looking old and haggard instead of old and sexy.
10. Being a statistic of any kind.
11. Having a kid to an asshole and having baby assholes.
12. As much as we love them, becoming our mothers.
13. Losing friends and alienating relatives.
14. And, everyones greatest fear: Death.
@Persona,
RE: #12, I’ve heard SO many women say this even if there mother is a very decent woman. Why is that?
RE: #14, I don’t fear death so to say, but I do fear dying a painful death. And the only thing worse than a painful death – a SLOW, painful death.
@Persona,
11. Having a kid to an asshole and having baby assholes.
this sounds like it would really suck. i cant imagine not liking your entire family.
welcome and sh*t, btw
@The Champ, i was thinking the exact same thing. i’d hate to hate my kid.
@Persona,
I don’t fear death. Now a slow and painful death, yeah….that would hurt.
Bond.
@Persona,
lol @ “being a member of the poors”…. i just thought your choice of words was funny although this situation itself is not.
okay, now that i’m back in a world with vsb. hmmm, let’s see. what scares pattiecakes?
1. well, i have a reoccurring dream that echoes fear #1. i dream that i am getting married to the wrong person. it is a really frightening image. i’m walking down the aisle, knowing that i’m about to be stuck with the wrong person for the rest of my life. it’s comfortable, it’s routine, it’s passionless, it’s a death sentence. that’s it. i wake up in a panic and i’m back to reality. funny thing is, i’ve never even been close to getting married.
2. i’m scared of sagging and/or deflated boobs.
3. i’m scared that one day i’ll buy a pair of mom jeans and not know. (i think this may have already happened.)
4. i’m scared that one day i’ll like candy corns, and that i’ll be like other candy corn lovers and push them onto unsuspecting trick or treaters.
5. i’m afraid that one day i might actually become a morning person, and become annoyingly chipper before dawn.
6. i’m afraid of mastitis and other deadly tales of breastfeeding.
7. i’m scared of episiotomies.
8. and lastly, i’m afraid of losing my childhood diaries.
@Miss Patterson,
I am pretty damn scared of the day I find myself tucking my t-shirt in and realize I’m dressing old or I wake up and put on a full linen suit with sandals… chills
@A-Town Genius,
Yep. I try my best to stay away from dressing like my father, but I see my wardrobe slowly morphing into his for some odd reason. Not a good thing.
“full linen suit with sandals”
I think this is universally the uniform for black men born between 1960 – 1973 (give or take a year depending on region) when they “go out”, lol!
@AkShone, this is funny because the last dude i dated was about 6 years older than me and fell into this birthyear bracket. and he too loved the linen suit for fancy occasions. maybe that’s why i broke up with him. hmmm…
You may have dodged a bullet. You know he would have got the baby linen suit for your unborn baby boy…and the baby gators, too.
http://www.hotfrog.com.au/Uploads/PressReleases/Baby-Christening-Suits-32663_image.jpg
Linen mini-me.
@AkShone,
*adds life-like dolls to list of scary stuff*
@Miss Patterson,
“i’m scared of episiotomies.”
True. I’m terrified of childbirth. I need more money so I can get a surrgoate. In fact, I’m really scared of everything that goes on in hospitals. It’s like a death factory that cranks out disease as a bonus. Everybody who checks in winds up experiencing some type of terrible pain and is usually unable to care for themselves for some time following release. I’d rather do a year in prison than 3 months in a hospital. Seriously.
@Me fail english?, “In fact, I’m really scared of everything that goes on in hospitals. It’s like a death factory ”
You must be talking about the hospital of my birth . . .good ol’ kings county. Patients dying in waiting rooms and being recorded and sh!t.
@IVR,
Lol. That’s where my parents were born too. I was born at Booth Memorial (now Queens General?) and that ish is pretty scary too. I effin hate them bishes. Dont get me started on Sloan-Kettering (Maimonides) which killed my good grandfather. Bad grandpa, on the other hand, is still ticking. Know why? Cuz he refuses medical treatment!
@Miss Patterson,
“8. and lastly, i’m afraid of losing my childhood diaries.”
Just make sure your step-mom doesn’t find them and make copies of it and try to blackmail you with the info.
*This may or may not be a true story.
@Miss Patterson, 6. i’m afraid of mastitis and other deadly tales of breastfeeding.
7. i’m scared of episiotomies.
Awwwww… you don’t have to get an episiotomy. I didn’t. Nor did I have an epidural. lol. Breastfeeding is torture for about the 1st 2 weeks… then it’s a breeze (unless you have a child who doesn’t want to wean then it’s torture again lol). You’ll be fine when the time comes
@Miss Patterson,
3. i’m scared that one day i’ll buy a pair of mom jeans and not know. (i think this may have already happened.)
LOL
@Miss Patterson, so you’re all about Obama’s health care reform then, huh?
@Panama Jackson, yeah if it includes hiring a surrogate & wet nurse at no additional cost to me. i’ve had the unfortunate experience of living vicariously through my friends who have had 36 hour labors and a host of post delivery horror stories. i pray for their boobs and hoo-has.
@Miss Patterson,
“hoo-has”
I just imagined you saying this with cadence and inflection of Al Pacino in “Scent of A Woman”. It was awesome.
i’ve only got 2 majors:
#1. committed incorrectly (we’ve covered that, right?)
#2. not being committed and doomed to a life void of love and companionship aka being known as “the crazy cat lady”
the minors?
the dark–yes. still.
zombies–i’m so sincere.
@cam1ll3,
Gotta invest in that Zombie Survival Guide. Best $12 I ever spent
@cam1ll3, #1. committed incorrectly (we’ve covered that, right?)
my first thought when reading this was being committed like to a sanitarium incorrectly b/c that would scare the living f*ck out of me. you can’t just get out of those places.
i feel like if i were forced to spend an inordinate amount of time around insane folks, i’d too become insane. or would i? do i even know?
is today loveday?
My only real fear is settling down with wrong guy or having that man change after getting married (seen it happen to my friends)
@Leila,
someone upthread coined this phenomenon “the vince vaughn”
Domestic Violence (b/c of what Leila said)
Being in a deep sleep, having someone kick in my door and rob me at gun point (i don’t even know if i should have typed that, i don’t what to jinx myself. lol, but not really)
Trust #5 is a huge fear for me and i’m a woman, i ain’t made for the pen, especially b/c i think what they show on t.v. is child’s play compared to real life penitentiary sh*t
And yeah committing my life to the wrong man and finding out only after having multiple children with the rat bastid
@lovin’ me,
Being in a deep sleep, having someone kick in my door and rob me at gun point (i don’t even know if i should have typed that, i don’t what to jinx myself. lol, but not really)
someone’s been listening to too much biggie.
welcome and sh*t, btw
@The Champ,
The song I was thinking of was
C-Murder/UGK’s “Pulla Kick Door”.
@miss t-lee,
What’s funny is that, this song possibly was part responsible for the increase of home/dorm invasions back home around that time…or maybe it just highlighted the fact that it was going on.
R.I.P Pimp C
@AkShone,
Everybody wants to be gangster…lol
‘Til you run up in someone’s spot and get waylaid.
I’ve always thought kats who pulled home invasions were some of the most brazen and stupid folks to ever walk the earth. Especially when the law is always on the homeowner’s side(I know it is here in TX at least).
I agree RIP to the Pimp!!
@miss t-lee,
Little known fact I learned when applying for my own license (in what has to be the least gun-friendly place on the planet), we’re actually on the homeowner’s side too. Other than that pesky retreat law which says we can’t pop folks while they’re leaving, we pretty much have a right to kill any unwanted, weapon-wielding guests…provided we have the right to own and operate the gun in the first place which is where it gets sticky…
@lovin’ me, “Being in a deep sleep, having someone kick in my door and rob me at gun point (i don’t even know if i should have typed that, i don’t what to jinx myself. lol, but not really)”
I had a dream like that recurrently before my S.O moved in… I used to wake up in the middle of the night and check the peep hole and doors.
@lovin’ me, Being in a deep sleep, having someone kick in my door and rob me at gun point (i don’t even know if i should have typed that, i don’t what to jinx myself. lol, but not really)
being robbed by gunpoint when you’re awake is no walk in the park either. especially when its your family doing the robbing.
@Panama Jackson, LMAO!
@Panama Jackson,
This is madd funny, because I envision you saying, “D@mn, grandma put the gun down…I would’ve just gave you $20…and grandad, take the ski mask off, I know it’s you!”
@AkShone,
dead.
x x
—-
I often wondered how men felt about having an ugly or hot pants daughter. I’ve seen the faces of a few when you meet their family and some have this look. Women are the same.
Even though he’s in the dog house right now with a lot of women, I love Lil’ Wayne and listen to his music on the regular; he’s so damn talented and
straight-talking that he cracks me up, but the first thing my own daughter said when she saw a pic of his daughter was, “Hmmm, lucky for her she looks like her mother.” I don’t think he’s really that unattractive, but I was thinking the exact same thing.
But since beauty is only skin deep but being passed around like a blunt is rep a girl rarely lives down, I agree, having a daughter that’s too free with her stuff is an embarrassment for any parent.
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
But since beauty is only skin deep but being passed around like a blunt is rep a girl rarely lives down, I agree, having a daughter that’s too free with her stuff is an embarrassment for any parent.
its not so much the embarrassment part, but the perpetual headache (at least from a mans standpoint).
with that being said ‘thats why your daughter’s a ho” might be the single worst insult you can give a guy
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
i’m with you lil wayne….
@Kit (Keep It Trill), yeah, its a very real fear i have right now. like i can raise my daughter “right” all i want but the factors out there are real.
my father spent a lot of time gunshopping b/c he kept telling my mother that one of my sisters was going to make him kill somebody.
two of my sisters actually nearly put that theory to test. which is my father finally decided against the firearm b/c he thinks he would have used it at one point and currently be in prison, which as he puts it, “is no way to legislate”
@Panama Jackson, “my father spent a lot of time gunshopping…”
*chuckling* Now there’s a tat any dad can give his daughter…
@V.E.G.
#4 Hilarious, but VERY TRUE!!!!! My roommate has already turned into that person *cringe*
Okay let’s see……what am I scared of????
*Whales (not killer whales, just regular old whales)
*Using cellphones during a thunderstorm (hey you never know what could happen)
*The kid in high school who had double rows of teeth
*Puppet Masters (all of them)
*Not fulfilling my destiny
*Of lonely
But most of all I’m scared of wasting my youth and then looking back and being like what happened, then looking at my husband in disgust, and saying what happened again *shudders*
@Naturalbarbie,
“*Using cellphones during a thunderstorm (hey you never know what could happen)”
LOL!!!! I still do this, I blame my Grandma.
“*The kid in high school who had double rows of teeth”
__________________________
(gasping for air laughing, then flatlining)
@Naturalbarbie,
*Using cellphones during a thunderstorm (hey you never know what could happen)
i didnt stop being scared of lightning until like 5 years ago. and by five years ago i mean “ummm, never”
@The Champ,
i didnt stop being scared of lightning until like 5 years ago. and by five years ago i mean “ummm, never”
coupled with your fear of pebbles, you sound like a rescue dog.
@Miss Patterson,
*snort*
Personally i have a fear of geckos and other slimy ass reptiles ***shudder***
Prison rape is the reason i would pay mine and my sister’s taxes.
Getting tested for chylamedia, or anything that involves sliding a long ass rod up my johnson.
Getting maimed or seriously injured – dying is a part of life but going through life seriously f*cked up by a car accident or a fire, that’s some scary sh*t.
Bagging a bangingest shorty and not bringing it- that’s an epic fail like winning a $100 million lotto and not spending the money. You gotta split that ass in 2 parts and take the bottom part of that ass home. (Shout out to Leon on Curb)
@Da Iceman,
Bagging a bangingest shorty and not bringing it- that’s an epic fail like winning a $100 million lotto and not spending the money. You gotta split that ass in 2 parts and take the bottom part of that ass home. (Shout out to Leon on Curb)
even worse is having, ummm, “technical difficulties”
@Da Iceman, Getting tested for chylamedia, or anything that involves sliding a long ass rod up my johnson.
i think catheter fear belogns in every man’s top 10 realest fears ever, possibly right behind getting Bobbitted.
@Da Iceman,
lol Leon is the best!!!!! he hasnt been on the last 2 or 3 epis. i miss him!!
1. Wendy Willams
2. Not being able to provide for my family
3. S3x with fat girls (200 pounds and over)
4. Going on a talk show, just to find out the baby isn’t mine
5. Unexpectedly making the following your girlfriend or wife:
Neighborhood gardening tools
Gold Diggers
He/She’s
@eff yo couch,
How do you unexpectedly wife a tranny?
@Dorian G., man apparently they got some tranny dudes that are on they game….Cali, Vegas, Miami, NY, Brazil, DR, they out there son!
@eff yo couch,
Your #5- I’m guessing then that there was nothing amusing in the “There’s something about Miriam” reality show- where the bachelorette was actually a trans-woman…
@eff yo couch,
What’s so scary about wifing a gold digger. Dont give her your money and she’ll go away *shrugs*
I dread the day the internet Gods take VSB away!
@eff yo couch,
me too, eff. me too
@The Champ,
Me three.
1. Getting pregnant and not being prepared for it.
2. Spiders
3. Moving into a house and finding it infested with spiders
4. Having a family and not being able to provide for them.
5. Being drowned or suffocated.
Additional:
I have a fear of being put to sleep.
@Nicki Sunshine,
how about being broke and pregnant and being suffocated by spiders?
@The Champ, Kill myself. lol
@Nicki Sunshine,
ugh #3 gave me chillz
male fears:
1. being in a relationship with a hot babe. going to meet her parents. her mother looks like she swallowed a refrigerator. yikes
2. having a sun that will NOT play with G.I. Joe, he insists on making pancakes in the little pink oven. the horror
3. going to talk to your personal banker and one of your best friends is robbing the joint and asks you if you want a piece of the action. see: prison rape
4. sleeping with a hot babe and you have a dream about having to “useit” and you “useit”… end of story and end your life for that matter.
5. falling asleep in a meeting and pooting. *everyone has done it. twice
6. walking in baltimore (bodymore) or dc (dirty crime) and a group of tall middle school gangbangers jump you and your chick. there’s no coming back from that.
7. going to work and there’s a new name on your office door…
@Islama-Loans,
LOL @ there’s no coming back from that
@Islama-Loans,
Oh God@ #5… That would suck- esp. if the noise is what wakes you up
@Islama-Loans,
smh @ your #2. What if your son wants to be a chef? It’s on you to lead your son in the right direction without making him feel like he is doing something wrong. There’s nothing wrong with owning your own restaurant and being the chef of said restaurant. See how I did that?
@N.I.A. naturally,
C’mon son…you know what he means.
@AkShone,
Haha. My sister’s best friend’s son used to play with an E-Z Bake Oven til he was like 12. Then he grew out of it. He’s a rather masculine 17 year-old and I’d be surprised if he came out of the closet.
@Islama-Loans,
6. walking in baltimore (bodymore) or dc (dirty crime) and a group of tall middle school gangbangers jump you and your chick. there’s no coming back from that.
LOL
@The Champ,
punkass middle school kids robbed my ride….10 damn times!
and held neighborhood watch folks up at gun point….
somethings i don’t miss….lol
@Islama-Loans, 1. being in a relationship with a hot babe. going to meet her parents. her mother looks like she swallowed a refrigerator. yikes
i have a running joke amongst my boys about the fact that i was messing with a really hot chick that i kept mentioning seemed to be on the “verge”. none of my boys agreed. now?
i was right. she fell off that cliff, i dodged a bullet.
btw, i met her moms which tipped me off that the verge was more like being on the cusp…and the cusp was disappearing.
@Panama Jackson, Damn I think we dated the same chick……she told me flat out she aint tryna work out…..her mother was like……she only gonna get bigger….SMH
@Islama-Loans,
“falling asleep in a meeting and pooting. *everyone has done it. twice.”
Um, no. We haven’t. But do tell, please.
Spiders. THEY’LL KILL US ALL!
@Gem,
by “spiders” do you mean “gem of the ocean” after you all have a deathmatch to see whose gonna keep their vsb name?
@The Champ,
i’m just sayin… i’ll drown a bish.
Most of mine have been mentioned above but being unable to provide for my family is a big one for me. Also, having a child and that child dieing a tragic death before I check out gives me the chills.
@Monk,
Also, having a child and that child dieing a tragic death before I check out gives me the chills.
me too and sh*t.
You really could just end the post at having an ugly daughter, or an overly fine fast one. And of course getting the late text from a jump (ugly or otherwise).
@Dorian G.,
how about having an unattractive or overly fine fast daughter from the jump-off pregnancy? just typing that made my fingers sweat
@The Champ, i’ll tell you why that should care you…in order to find out you have an overly fine fast daughter or an unattractive one, your jumpoff became a permanent part of your life.
that’s scary. its REALLY hard to explain public confirmation of certain jumpoffs.
- Being hacked/ burned to death
- Rape / gang rape by militia
- Realizing 0.03 seconds after I depart this life the truth about eternal damnation ’cause eternity, unlike diamonds, is truly forever
- sorta similar to # 7, but having my husband turn into everybody’s punchline and lil’ bytch … you know “hey, go grab us a beer Mr. X and keep the change while you’re at it”…
- At a wedding I went for, the mother of the groom was less than quick with the tampons and she was up there dancing, until someone saw and pulled her aside. Now, *that* is a scary thought…
- Childhood fear that’s never gone away- our cleaning lady once told me about this girl who used to not wash her knickers and one day she put it on and there was a hairy caterpillar on the knickers so I guess, hairy caterpillars/ spiders in my knickers
@Wanjiru,
- Being hacked/ burned to death
- Rape / gang rape by militia
lol, damn. someone’s been reading too many news stories about bosnia and rwanda
@Wanjiru,
“- Rape / gang rape by militia”
I just read Ishmael Baeh’s memoir of being a child soldier in Sierra Leone (A Long Way Gone…I recommend it!) and even the brief one-sentence accounts of this consumed me with fear. That is probably the scariest most degrading acts, IMO…
and getting guinea worms *off to shower*
@Wanjiru,
OMG!!! I just googled guinea worms.
*heebie jeebies*
things that scare me(in no particular order)….
1. Getting pregnant out of wedlock–yes, I am old-fashioned. I want to be married before I have a baby…
2. Losing my job
3. Having a miscarriage when i get pregnant
4.Losing a family member, specifically, losing my mom. I think I would just die if my mother passed before she got a chance to see me married with children.
5. Being the victim of rape, or any other violent crime.
on a lighter note….
5. roaches
6. the “It” clown. If you don’t know who he is, then take a looksie here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7Oe62FKlac
When I first saw this movie, I was a kid, and scared sh*tless. And it’s still kinda freaky.
7. Frankie and Neffe
8. Elderly drivers
9. Teenage drivers
10. taxes
@N.I.A. naturally,
lol, each of your lighter scares are pretty serious to me
@N.I.A. naturally,
Re: “It”
Man this is some cosmic timing ish, because right before I came to VSB this morning, my coworkers and I were engaged in our little morning chit-chat and today’s topic was “It”. We segued into that by talking about how scary it is that 75 registered child molesters could be withn a 5 mile radius (that missing girl in the news…they interviewed all of the molesters)…then we started talking about “Homey the Clown”…an alleged guy dressed as a clown who rode in a white van kidnapping kids. Why he decided to use an In Living Color character, I don’t know…but anyhow…I think it was mainly a Chicago thing but it consumed SO many elementary schools. We were afraid to go to recess and ish.
But yeah, “It” is extremely scary. And I feel especially sorry for folks that were already afraid of clowns and saw that movie or even just the previews.
Scary stuff:
-My husband getting another woman pregnant
-Losing my hair, eyesight or ability to move my arms and legs
-Having an unhealthy child
-Having someone threaten my child’s life or safety (as this would surely land me dead or in jail).
-Getting “Locked Up Abroad” (I think I can handle a US pirson)
-Closed-in spaces (i’m a weeeee bit claustrophobic)
-Homelessness (I was in the fitting room of Forever 21 on 34th Street and that is the nastiest isht I’ve ever seen. I felt like I was taking off my clothes in an abandoned subway station. I wouldn’t even let my socks touch the floor).
-Being lost at sea would blow also, but I dont think about it enough to call it one of my worst fears…
@Me fail english?,
i assume most new yorkers could handle prison. i mean, you’re already in a closed, cramped, densely populated space surrounded by water, crazy police, and even crazier people. how must different would prison be?
@The Champ,
My sentiments exactly.
@The Champ, that’s cooooold blooded..
@Me fail english?,
Girrrrl, you ain’t lyin’ about Forever 21′s dressing room. And I think that’s their…trademark…no matter the city. SMH. Why their floors so dingy and gross?! WTF is up with that mess?
@Cheekie,
Ugh! There was gum stuck to the mirror and what I assumed to be bloodstains on the wall. Plus all the dustbunnies on the floor. I wanna storm HQ Erin Brokovich style just to
say “They’re called boobs, Ed.”give them a piece of my mind.@Me fail english?, similar to losing eyesight, (im already going blind…lol…really not really) i’m afraid of losing my hearing.
i cant imagine life without music or the sounds of the city again.
i can’t imagine a life of silence.
@Panama Jackson,
well you’re prob more likely to lose inner hair cells than the average person. just be careful listening to music via headphones
@Me fail english?, getting locked up abroad is a fear of mine…bad enough gettin raped in english….now u gettin raped with subtitles…..damn
@Blacklaw,
or worse! Getting raped to overly emotive voiceovers with poorly selected musical accompaniment. *shudders*
Things I’m scared of
Living through another unexpected death of an SO
Having a slip-up and having to make “that decision”
Being in a loveless/s*xless marriage
Not being able to see my children grow up
Moving back home with my folks due to circumstances beyond my control
Really big cockroaches (waterbugs, whatever you call them…lol)
Scorpions
Drowning
@miss t-lee,
all extremely scary sh*t
@miss t-lee, definite difference between waterbugs and roaches
@Blacklaw,
Word?
I’ve always thought that they were one in the same.
*snickering at myself*
@Blacklaw,
they’re the same thing. its just a different type of roach
@The Champ,
Yeah, I’ve actually read that waterbugs are referred to as the “roaches of the outdoors”.
@Cheekie,
If it runs like a roach, creeps me out like a roach and has me running in the other direction like a roach…guess what?
Roach!!!! lol
Real Fear: Losing another child…I can get over anything else but that. I don’t see me coming back from loving and then losing another.
Things that make me flinch: BUGS (except ants and butterflies)
@Smiley Face,
wow. i’m sorry to hear that
@Smiley Face,
“Real Fear: Losing another child…I can get over anything else but that. I don’t see me coming back from loving and then losing another.”
Aw, Smiley. *hugs*
I can’t even fathom that pain…
@Smiley Face, Damn that’s real. Sorry to hear that.
My greatest fears are:
-Being powerless to help my kids – ever.
-Marrying the wrong person.
-Being destitute.
@pgh muse,
-Being powerless to help my kids – ever.
-Marrying the wrong person.
-Being destitute.
not to clown our city, but this list does read a bit like “things that are more likely to happen if you live in pittsburgh”
@The Champ, lol
@The Champ, lol. Ugh.
@The Champ, yay. i’m so glad i moved back. btw, step into my office, because your f*ckin’ fired!
@The Champ,
lmao exactly why i’ll be on the first thing smokin when the dissertation defense is complete.
1. Snakes
2. I would agree with ugly daughter and hot pants daughter
Another solo Diddy album definitely does not scare me. I am actually excited about that one.
@Martin and Gina,
Another solo Diddy album definitely does not scare me. I am actually excited about that one.
you scare me
i would agree with you on:
-committing to the wrong person
-having a “hotpants” daughter
-the “unfaithful”
i would go on to add:
-not being able to provide for my family
-not being successful
-losing any of my siblings
-dying before 80
-drowning/suffocating
@Tunde,
80? damn, thats optimistic. most guys just think “i hope i make it to 60″ and by “60″ i mean “36″
@The Champ,
lol. i’m nigerian. my grandfather died in his mid 80′s and thats only because of poor health care. my grandmother is still pushing into her low 90′s. i think with proper healthcare i could at least make it to 95 (could be 100 but i drink too much), that is forbearing an accident or murder.
This might be the most insightful and best list I’ve ever seen from you guys.
I definitely hear you on the daughter points, too. I’m an only child, so I didn’t see a girl being raised, in the home, up close and personal, and I think I’ll be just guessing if I have a girl. I’m pretty sure I haev the bases covered for my son(s). I was a nerdy dork, so I’ll know how to guide him if he turns out that way, and if he’s popular and cool, making sure he doesn’t get wayward shouldn’t be *that* hard.
But with the girls? I hope their mother has a good way of keeping that in check.
@Scipio Africanus,
thanks and sh*t. and yeah, thats why its so important to not be with an asshole chick. someone needs to handle the daughter stuff
#4……. babygirl don’t even realise how she walkin!!
and grandma…if you buy her one more pair of applebottoms….we will have words.
i walk in the dark…every mornin..to the river..watch the stars…have my lion king moment…..ain’t nothin ate me…..yet
@kingpinenut,
and chuckie…..smh
@kingpinenut,
and grandma…if you buy her one more pair of applebottoms….we will have words.
LOLOL
I’m afraid that when I die I won’t go to Heaven.
I’m afraid something bad will happen to my children.
Anything else I can deal with.
LMAO@ Champ on being afraid you are going to have an ugly daughter. If you are an attractive man just have kids with an attractive woman…lol. If you’re not that attractive then it could go either way then…lol.
@QueenT,
LMAO@ Champ on being afraid you are going to have an ugly daughter. If you are an attractive man just have kids with an attractive woman…lol
lol, that doesnt make anything 100 percent certain
@The Champ, is right because there are definitely some attractive men with daughters that look exactly like them.
The problem: Their face doesn’t translate well as a girl.
@Persona,
yeah. i definitely don’t need no daughter with a goatee
@Persona,
are those the women referred to as “handsome”? LOL
im petrified that i may wake up one morning without “wood” and then i won’t be able to achieve “wood” ever again. im afraid that i may have to order non-regulated drugs off line to help me achieve “wood”. im scared that i may marry a hot babe and will not able to share my “wood” with her.
*im staring out my office window and all i see are trees. im sad.
@Islama-Loans,
just imagine life before viagria though, when cats with that issue just had to deal with it.
@Islama-Loans, still shaking my head…….and saying a little prayer before I sleep that it never happens to the kid…….I dont have many joys….life without putting a hurtin on a buhgina is more than I can take
1. Losing my great-grandmother- I know, she’s old and we all gotta go sometime but she’s my rock and the head of the family.
2. Having to make “that choice”- I’m halfway thru my second-to-last semester in college and I would just be so pissed off and frightened.
3. Losing anymore really close/childhood friends to drugs. After 3 in my freshman year, I cannot do it again.
4. Rape- esp since most are acquaintance-rape. So it’s doubly scary.
5. Waking up to find i’m hitched to the lamest ninja on two K-swisses
6. Never reaching my goals.
7. Finally reaching my goals and then being like-is this all?
8. Being broke foreverrrrrrrrrrrr
9. The inevitable day I have to start paying these student loans *shudders, then faints*
@VeronicaCorningstoneD,
“If you were a man, I would punch you right in the mouth.”
sorry. i’m just tempted to say that every time i see your name
@The Champ,
LOL! you’re a dirty pirate hooker
The Clock Spider puts the fear of gawd into me even though they’re friendlier? (I imagine friendliness is a foreign concept for spiders) than Camel spiders… http://www.fazed.org/blog/view/1/clock-spider/
Also, whoever said “full linen suit with sandals” my stepmother’s boyfriend wore this exact outfit in April 2009 at my brother’s graduation dinner. I’m not even gonna mention his “curls”. We spent all night talkin’ bout “Slide me some skin!”
@Gem, slide me some skin….hahahahahahahah
@Gem,
Now, I consider myself a manly-man, but I probably would scream like a little b*tch if I saw something like that on my wall.
I mean…who do you call to get rid of that? Do you put on a snow suit and mask and go into battle with it? What if you missed it at first strike and lost where it jumped to…the horror!
So many questions…and sleepless nights.
@AkShone,
Oh hellz nah.
I just saw the pic of that thing, and I would just have to move.
FOH.
@Gem,
Ok, I never heard of the Clock Spider and that ish just made me have a daymare. Like I’m imagining what I would do if I saw that. (Answer: Faint until forever..aka “die”).
It reminds me though of probably the scariest pic of a spider (lol..um…spiders) that I’ve seen. I still occasionally check the corner of my walls because of this dayum pic. I saw it at some funny (wtf is funny about it I’ll never know) picture website and under the pic was the caption: “Oh sh*t”. LOL…Ok, so the caption is funny, but not if you have to live it.
View with caution: http://media.photobucket.com/image/spider%20on%20wall%20with%20lots%20of%20babies/Bixarre223/spider-that-could-probably-eat-you.jpg
@Cheekie,
Please tell me that is photoshopped! I wouldn’t even call the exterminator. I’d just start bustin shots.
@Me fail english?,
“Please tell me that is photoshopped! ”
For the sake of humanity, I hope so. I never wish for that to be possible in real life.
@Gem,
Clock spider – I am not well after seeing that. I’d just leave. It could have the house.
Um, your stepmother has a boyfriend? How does your dad feel about that?
“for those who’ve never seen this movie, the “unfaithful” occurs when you’re in a seemingly happy relationship, with a seemingly happy and content woman, and she cheats on you with a jim jones doppleganger. ”
O_o @ “jim jones doppleganger”. Champie, I know Oliver Martinez, and Jim Jones is NO Oliver Martinez. I need to know what you meant by this. lol
What Cheekie is a-scared of:
- house centipedes (I’ve always called them silverfish, but in googling to try to get rid of ‘em, I figured out the actual name — silverfish are different — and was thusly grossed out at the pics I found. Google with caution. *shudder*)
- Dick Cheney
- Aunt Flo visiting on a day I happen to be wearing light colored pants. lol
- Falling in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way.
- Meeting Flava Flav. He seems to be the type that talk to you .2 centimeters away from your face — especially if you’re an attractive chick — and it looks like his breath stanks hella bad.
- Walking alone in the dark. Why does everybody happen to stare/glare at you when you’re outside walking? I get my speed-walk on like a mug. lol
@Cheekie,
you know what, an ex girlfriend shook hands with flavor flav once before, and she told me he had the softest and warmest hands she ever felt. maybe that explains his appeal and sh*t
@The Champ,
Soft hands? LOL, cute, but still…no. Yeah, he might appeal to a Charmin commercial. Soft hands does not outweigh the fact that he looks like Gollum with a helluva tan.
@Cheekie,
“Gollum with a helluva tan”
*donezo*
I know one thing I WAS scared of:
We’re at a family get-together around the 4th of July. A young and naive 6 yr old SC is just playing with firecrackers, doing him. He goes into the house where his older cousins are watching a bootleg copy Child’s Play on VHS. It’s intriguing to young SC at first… “Ohhhhh, look at the cool looking doll!” Yeah… until Chucky starts murkin’ nikkas left and right… including trying to off the 6 yr old boy who owned him in the movie! Talk about shook!
What makes it worse is that I had one of those My Buddy dolls (eerily similar to the Good Guys Dolls in the movie) that were hot around that time… mine was black of course… but soon as I went home, me and Eli had to have a “talk.” It was either him or me, but one of us had to go! LOL… That movie scarred me for years!
@SouthernCharm, Oh goodness, I hated my My Buddy doll after Chucky and still cannot stand to see one. *shudders*
Another toy that just creeps me out – that damn WuvLuv. Who made that ish, seriously?
Also, the Burger King guy is creepy.
@Sanen85,
Burger King Dude= major cosignage. I actually forgot about him on my list… I was trying to get that smirk outta my head at the time.
@SouthernCharm,
“What makes it worse is that I had one of those My Buddy dolls (eerily similar to the Good Guys Dolls in the movie”
Hahahah!!! I had a Kid Sister. She and I didn’t play much.
@miss t-lee,
she was pro’lly plotting on you. lol
@SouthernCharm,
lol, wow. i wonder if the my buddy people ever sued the makers of childs play. i know their sales must have went in the toilet after that movie came out
@The Champ,
For real. I feel like that movie was at least financed (if not created) by a rival toymaker.
But why the hell was SC playing with dolls?
@Me fail english?,
Say what you want, but My Buddy was a toy, my dude… a toy! lol… part of my assortment of g.i. joe’s, he-man action figures, thundercats, and ninja turtles.
@SouthernCharm,
@ least you ain’t say no gay (nttawwt) ssa teddy ruxpin.
Remember silver hawks?
@The Champ,
i think there were some protests against the movie when it came out…
5 sequels later though… lol
1. I finally bag a chick who is badder than bad…she has it all, does it all and loves her some me and…she gains 50lbs and looks like a mudcake within the first year.
2. I find out the woman I’ve been dating for 3 months has kids and she states that she wasn’t “trying to scare me off.”
3. Fear that my daughter will be the little chubby girl with self esteem issues.
4. Fear my son will be a little weirdo that gets his ass kicked and likes to carry purses instead of backpacks.
5. I fear that I abandon my cynical views on marriage, open myself up, take the plunge only to have my wife decide “she’s not feeling it anymore.” Begin raping…
6. I’ll have to start over again financially after keeping my credit above 700 for the past 10 years.
7. I go back to school, get another degree only to find out that all the jobs have gone to New Delhi.
I think that’s it for now.
@CPT Callamity,
5. I fear that I abandon my cynical views on marriage, open myself up, take the plunge only to have my wife decide “she’s not feeling it anymore.” Begin raping…
lol, damn. rape?
@The Champ, well damn CPT!!!
I feel you on the daughter with self esteem issues mainly cuz u r helpless to do anything…..recall the young philosopher Kat Williams…..”it’s called self-esteem, esteem of yourself! how can I affect how you feel about you?!”
@The Champ,
I.E. Raped in court. I know I’m not the only one who believes these laws are bassackwards.
@CPT Callamity,
2. I find out the woman I’ve been dating for 3 months has kids and she states that she wasn’t “trying to scare me off.”
I hear this happens alot and when I say “happens alot”, I mean happened to me.
@AkShone,
Ditto. Early 20′s for me — I played it on some simp shit and damn near drove myself crazy. F**ked up learning experience haha.
@CPT Callamity,
Co-sign your whole damn list.
OH yeah…CPT Callamity’s Roach Killing Techniques:
1. Look up and invest in a $3 bottle of boric acid. Learn how to make your own sprays and traps. This stuff works.
2. Buy a plastic spray bottle, fill with water and add a teaspoon or so of dish detergent. Spray directly on the roach. Kills or incapacitates them in seconds. Flush dead roach down toilet. (This is good for those with pets and small children).
3. Use Steel wool or spray foam to close cracks and crevices in your kitchen and bathroom.
4. Keep things cleaned and wiped off and watch where clutter accumulates.
Thank me later…
@CPT Callamity,
lysol kitchen spray works too
@CPT Callamity,
Yeah, folks, don’t sleep on that boric acid. My mama’s basement used to flood all the time and bring waterbugs every single time it rained (HATE!) and she sprinkled that ish all over the basement and after a couple days, that basement looked like a waterbug warzone aftermath. And I never saw anymore there again. *fist pump*
@CPT Callamity,
How does one close a crack with steel wool?
I’m scary of a lot of things… but since I’m a thug from East St. Louis, I won’t reveal them all.
1- Stairs I can see through (a terrifying experience at the Eiffel Tower helped kind of conquer this. And by kind of conquer, I mean I still hold on to the railing with both hands and hold my breath like I’m getting a shot.)
2-The feeling that something’s crawling on you… *Sideshow Bob shudder*
3- Being shot or stabbed… for some reason the thought of that pain just seems unreal.
4- Marrying someone that ends up being exactly like my father.
5 and 6- Never being able to have children, since Beezy luhh the kids. Adopting a child like Esther (from Orphan) – crazy bish.
7- Having something happen to me that would greatly decrease the quality of life I enjoy today… paralysis, a lost limb, etc. Sure, I’d get past it, but initially, it would be terrifying.
@Beez,
there’s internet access in east st. louis? who knew?
@The Champ,
There is, but I made it out…
I like how whenever I find someone else from my ol’ hometown, we talk about how we “made it over” like we just got our freedom papers signed.
I would say being permanently paralyzed either from the waist down or completely. I don’t know if I could even go on.
Knowing that I’m sterile. That removes the option of choice about children, my genes have decided for me.
Marrying someone I love and then them preceding me in death. I would be all alone.
Having shif’less children…especially a son. Nothing worse in my family (both sides) than a lazy man.
Having children with an incurable disease, i.e. Down’s Syndrom, autism, etc.
Having a daughter with low self esteem. It would hurt my heart to watch her go throught that.
To know that I’m dying and there’s nothing I can do about it. I wouldn’t accept it I would deal with it.
@Stank-0,
reading all of this just made me want to go sit in the shower.
thanks.
@Stank-0, Damn I need a hug after this list
@Stank-0,
Hm, you just made me realize what’s worse than having shif’less children . . . having shif’less stepchildren.
@Stank-0,
Having a daughter with low self esteem. It would hurt my heart to watch her go throught that.
That is the most beautiful reply… ‘it would hurt my heart’…. awwwwwwww makes me wanna kiss yooooouu.
some of these were already mentioned, my fears:
not going to Heaven
dying a painful slow death
finding out I cant conceive
drowning-I can’t swim
losing a child
getting the “monster”
@Reecie,
this sounds like the premise for a lifetime movie
“bumps in the night: the story of ellen johnson and her long battle with sterility, aids, and stillborn babies, before her deal with the devil and sudden drowning”
@The Champ,
The Omen?
@The Champ, I shouldn’t have laughed. lol. but that is one movie I would NEVER watch!
@Reecie, for some reason….not going to heaven being on your list….gave me a chuckle……not that I disagree……just sayin
@Blacklaw, it was on someone elses list first! LOL. all of mine I stole from other people.
ya’ll all mentioned and ugly or fast daughter but what about the dumb as rocks son? What if you have a fool that can chase a football but can’t sniff out a gold diggin skank? Thats worse! U can get the ugly daughter some corrective surgery and ship the fast one off to big momma to get straigtened out…but that stupid boy? Dont be late with the child support son…
@SxyScientst,
I fear a stupid son only for the sake of my grandkids. The mothers and their families almost always have more contact and influence over the babies. I can’t imagine my stupid asz son letting some stupid asz woman steer my grandbabies wrong. I’d probably kidnap them and move to Brazil.
Fear of
_Personally experiencing some of the worse cases of police brutality
_being wrongfully accused, tortured and held captive indefinitely with possibility of capital punishment
_being caught inside a burning house/ plane/ car unable to escape
_ Hurricanes [Jeanne & Katrina style], being buried alive by mud slides
_Drowning [especially by car/ plane crash then fall in deep water senarios]
_residing in a country at full blown war [the singsong of flying bullets, bombs dropping left and right, blood and bodies everywhere you turn]
_the continuation of Jim Crow violence
@SnijanaFleur,
_ Hurricanes [Jeanne & Katrina style], being buried alive by mud slides
this would suck. seriously, even if i went to heaven afterwards i’d still approach God like “why’d you have to take me out like that??? i thought we were cool!!”
I can think of a few things.
1. Dying old, alone, and unaccomplished.
2. My (future) Tyrese look alike husband slowly becoming impotent. I cant spend the rest of my life calling CVS for a weekends supply of viagra.
3. Loving my husband, but wishing the devil would reclaim his satan spawn Mama.
4. My butt and boobs sagging in old age. I’d like to keep it perky till I’m at least 80.
@Dom,
4. My butt and boobs sagging in old age. I’d like to keep it perky till I’m at least 80.
i dont know if the world’s ready for 75 year olds with apple bootys and perky tits
@The Champ, Im ready! bring that old heffa on….!
@Dom,
Butts sag?!
@Me fail english?,
I know, right? Like, I imagine that sight to be scarier than Gucci Mane cutting me with his lips.
@Me fail english?,
Be thankful you havent seen it.
gettin w/ a transehxual
not fullfilling my destiny
this here is tough cuz I love that bone crusher jawn never scared
Th “unfaithful” great new insight on how a man feels and handles that type of situation. I always think…he will be alright…he will bounce back. But I never thought…he is crushed.
Just one thing really, but it really scares me.
I have a friend who had to bury his son, who died due to medical complications. My friend is a stronger man than me; I don’t know if I would have survived that. That’s not the natural order of things. You shouldn’t outlive your children.
My Biggest fears…
1. Being buried alive.
2. Being a failure
3. Not able to have kids
4. Never getting married and end up being the old mean lady on the block.
5. Being in a sexless marriage
6. Any creepy crawly insects or animals. Those camel spiders were big as siht.
here’s some comic relief i’d like to share.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/10344/saturday-night-live-excedrin-racial-tension
enjoy and sh*t
@VeronicaCorningstoneD,
Oh yeah, that’s a great clip.
I fear
-spiders, (mentioned above)
-being struck by lightning
-under tow
-Alzheimer’s/dementia
-having a sagging gut (you know, the kind that sags…IN your pants?)
-feeling like I’ve failed myself in life (professionally, personally)
ah yes, and poverty. Been there once, not really tryina go back. Thanks!
Forgot some:
- Moles. I’m very afraid of any of them growing very large. Also, I find a new mole like once a year which probably is a bad thing. Why couldn’t I just get freckles like the rest of the family?
Beyond vanity and cancer I just dont want anyone doing surgery to take them off. (See above rant about hospitalization).
-Amputation, sepsis, gangrene. (See again hospitalization)
-Surgery. Aside fromthe hospitalization I just think the anesthetic will wear off before the paralysis inducing thingy
@Me fail english?,
On another note. It smells like delicious turkey in my office. I wonder where I can get a slice…
I really hope it is turkey. When things smell like something they are not I get angry.
@Me fail english?,
“Surgery. Aside fromthe hospitalization I just think the anesthetic will wear off before the paralysis inducing thingy”
The second time I had surgery was for the same accident. I broke my arm when I was 12 and my bone popped out so they had to do surgery in order to set it back instead of doing it manually. That didn’t suffice, so I had to get a metal plate inserted. Anyhow, the second time of surgery I was afraid that I’d wake up beforehand (I wasn’t so worried the first time because they did it soon after being taken into the emergency room and I was just glad I wouldn’t feel any pain…lol, I was scared to death of them setting it back…I picture this Hulk lookin’ nicca popping my dayum S-shaped arm into place…*cringe*) and lo and behold I woke up right when they were carting me back to my room. I freaked out a bit in my haziness but was thankful I just missed it. I don’t know what I would do if I woulda woke up and saw some 2520 was sewing my arm up.
@Me fail english?,
i feel you on surgery and hospitalization in general. hospitals creep me out. most nurses creep me out. funny looking doctors with names that look differently than they’re pronounced creep me out. how can i trust you if i dont even trust your language skills??
@Gem in Chicago for SFN,
“names that look differently than they’re pronounced creep me out”
Word. Like apples that taste like gasoline! I wasn’t expecting that, so Ima take it as disrespect.
im afraid of being THAT girl.
that girl that ends up with a jerk and isnt worthy of her, and everybody knows it, except her.
that girl that is 35, has a great career, a couple degrees, yet single and at happy hour every week day. getting hammered. and soliciting other HH-goers for one night stands.
that girl that still tries to act and dress like a 25yo. when she’s 35. 40. 45. watching 106th & park to keep up with the youngins so she can be forever “hip”. maybe that’s why she’s still alone and unhappy??
that girl who’s always a bridesmaid and never a bride. or a hostess (cuz she’s too old to be a decent looking bridesmaid). or just a guest at her younger colleagues/friends weddings.
that girl that does get married, has kids, a good career and acts brand new and too good for ppl. basically surrendering her former life/friends to become a Chelly O who must have “new” and better friends.
i dont ever wanna be THAT girl that loses her damn mind and becomes the queen of receiving side-eyes
@Gem in Chicago for SFN,
I assume “HH” doesn’t mean Howard-Harreld?
Some have been said but I feel the need to reiterate em:
1. Prison rape/cock meat sandwich (see Harold & Kumar go to guantanamo)
2. Testicular/prostate cancer
3. Lorena Bobbitt and her followers
4. Turkey baster using jumpoffs
5. Finding out my wife isn’t a good mother
6. Having daughters
7. Having loose/unattractive daughters
8. Losing my child/wife/mother
9. My child gettin molested
10. Having to decide whether or not to let the law handle someone who assaulted my wife or kids.
These are in no specific order…them just my fears man.
Ok, got off work got some sleep
1. Having anything happen to my child and being powerless to help them or make it better
2. having a loser as a child after killing yourself so that they can be healthy functioning members of society. (if that really exists)
3. i have a boy so please dont bring wildebeest home and sit there and tell me this fallen woman is having my grandchild by you. didnt i tell u i like the girl down the street. anyhoo…
4. prison rape (cause i would have killed said child in a fit of rage. children have a tendency to turn you into the incredible hulk or a werewolf)
1. Right now the biggest is having to make THAT decision and the worst thing I know too many girls getting pregnant 21 in the last two years. And since the beginning of the year I’ve been seeing too many cute baby girls.
2. Being poor in the States might be hell but in Kenya it’s a slow painful death. Watching people walk long distances to get part time work to feed their families.Watching your child cry because you can’t feed them The people who got displaced after the violence and that’s only a bit. I love my country but being poor here is one of the hardest things.
3. Finding out my husband is ghey or bi. iCan’t
4. Becoming an unwitting stat in a Paris Hilton type flick
5. Not being able to help my family and because I’m African this includes extended and close friends.
6. Kenya getting effed up by our obtuse, brainless, dim-witted, malevolent and criminal leaders. I love my country but hell 2012 (election year) scares me. I mean we have a vice president who wants the water minister fired because by her doing her job (getting people water) She’s undermining him. I mean WTF? Plus he’s campaigning for elections three years away when we have REAL problems to be solved….. nkt!!
7. Being that chick- the one who is so dyckmatized she let’s him rule her life morphing into a stepford wife who gets punched as a pastime.
8. Not fulfilling my potential.
9. Being an absent mother.
10 Being one of those rich,proud people who forget money’s just that money doesn’t make other’s lesser because they have less of it.
11. A male gold digger what’s the name for them?
12. Finding myself in a strange country with no money and I can’t speak the language and then getting robbed or worse.
lmao @ “this usually leads us with one option: murder” .
good post.
nothing on the list came as a surprise to me except #3… just never really thought of that one.
My (&& probably other womens) biggest fears
1. Never finding the “right” guy to settle down with for life (I worded it like that for those who aren’t into the traditional marriage thang)
2. Not being able to have children!
3. Being with a guy for YEARSSSSSSS, having kids, and then finding out he’s been cheating on you…. painful (esp. if she’s white or a he)
4. Getting pregnant in college!
5. Having your S.O. give you HIV or HPV (or any other STD)
6. Having your S.O.’s mother hate you….booo
You know, I like the champ’s list. I would add an addendum, though.
On number 8,
The even worse scenario would be the Ursher syndrome.
Get the Jump off pregnant.
Bad.
Tell yo girl.
Worse.
Do the “honorable” thing and marry her.
Stupid, but what have you got left, anyway?
Find out 5 years later that the baby wasn’t yours.
B**ch, I’mma kill you!
Also, is it just me? Or was not putting “Death” on this list appropriate since that is a lot easier to deal with than most of these, anyway.
I’m past everything except, that whole prison rape thing.
For the most part, I’ve resigned myself to believe, just about everything involving women can be resolved with money, duct tape or a jump off.
BTW
Chuck Nevitt is my all time favorite player.
Ivo… is like most dimes
great stats…
…No ring
Chucky Chz …
stats who cares…
…lots of rings.