its been 25 years since a midnight viewing of the monolith monsters shook the young champ so much that he refused to walk on pebbles and anywhere else where swarms of rocks were present. this extreme b*tchassness ended six months later when i entered first grade, and realized that the pebbles near the swings where were all the cute girls hung out at recess.
most men have similar stories, where they learned how to deal with what scares them after realizing that visible fear is the most surefire female repellent. fear never goes away though, just what it is that scares us. pebbles, poodles, and puddles eventually change to police, prison rape, and burnt p*ssy.
as another example of the verysmartbrothas.com commitment to fighting crime, here’s nine things that every man is scared to death of.
1. committing to the wrong person
although the idea of hell usually includes some combination of pitchforks, sulfur, and soulja boy cd’s on loop, most men consider the idea of being in a long-term relationship with the wrong person as even worse.
obviously, women have this same fear, but since most of us feel that “being in a faithful relationship” is the antithesis of our latent nature, we feel like we have to “change” more than women do for a relationship to work. its almost like we have to alter a portion of our dna. because of this, finding out that we made a huge commitment (ie: marriage, home ownership, dual bally’s memberships etc) with the wrong person makes us feel like we’ve taken two l’s instead of one.
and divorce? and child support? shiiiiiiiiit. just seeing those words probably induced chills on half the vsb’s reading this.
2. getting a “one trillion” in life
used to denote a (basketball) player who has played one (or more) minutes without recording any other statistic. the term takes its name from its appearance in a box score, as it reads as one followed by twelve zeros – the conventional american rendering of “one trillion.”
because the box score shows that you basically made the exact same contribution to the game as the popcorn venders, this is one of the most humiliating things that can happen to a ballplayer.
there aren’t many things that scare a man more than the prospect of getting a “one trillion” in life, dying and leaving no evidence whatsoever that you were even alive
3. having an extremely unattractive daughter
while we’d love a mud duck daughter just as much as a cute one, this scares us because we all remember how the ugly girl in school was (mis)treated, and we wouldn’t wish that on our worst enemy.
with that being said, we’d still rather deal with this than the prospect of…
4. having an early “developed” and hotpants daughter
basically, we just hope that any daughter we have will be a nerdy tomboy with a cute face who doesn’t grow breasts or booty until she’s 22.
- there’s a reason she’s the vsb’s favorite cp3
5. being wrongly accused of a crime
because of the helplessness you’d feel, and the fact that it could eventually lead to this…
6. prison rape
“I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile – prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Andy would show up with fresh bruises. The Sisters kept at him – sometimes he was able to fight ‘em off, sometimes not. And that’s how it went for Andy – that was his routine.”
lets just say that we’d all love to go through our lives without morgan freeman uttering those words about us
7. getting “b*tched” or made to feel helpless in front of your woman
for those unsure of what i’m referring to, just watch this scene again
8. knocking up a jump-off
an unexpected pregnancy is bad enough, but an unexpected pregnancy from the hoodrat applebee’s waitress you met at the cut-rate is enough to send any sane man to an insane asylum. seriously, thinking about sh*t like that makes you want to invest in kevlar rubbers. or, you know, actually start wearing them
9. the “unfaithful”
for those who’ve never seen this movie, the “unfaithful” occurs when you’re in a seemingly happy relationship, with a seemingly happy and content woman, and she cheats on you with a jim jones doppleganger. i know cheating hurts women too, but because many of you all expect men to cheat anyway, most of you have support systems and sh*t already in place as well as the “he was a dog” perfunctory fall back.
when a woman cheats though, the guy is out there by himself. no support systems, and he doesnt want to even tell anyone about it because the prevailing thought will be “well, if he was taking care of stuff in the bedroom, it wouldn’t have happened”
this usually leads us with one option: murder
i’m sure i’m missing a few. is there anything else that puts a universal chill down the spine of men (or women)?
also, besides the idea of another solo diddy album, what in particular scares you?
the carpet is yours and sh*t
—the champ
For Women
1.Not getting married
2. Not being able to have children
3. Unexpected Menstural Cycle Accidents….
Its a few more but im tired
@MizThickaDenThick, My missing number 5 was supposed to be not being able to have children of my own. I guess I’m a cliche. At least I’m not fanatical about any of my fears.
@MizThickaDenThick,
3. Unexpected Menstural Cycle Accidents….
Its a few more but im tired
you know, up until a couple years ago, i didnt even know this was possible. i thought all women knew like the exact date and time that their cycle would begin
@The Champ,
You do if you’re on BC or if you are regular. Then you have some type of idea when it’s showing up.
Other times, that ish is a total suprise…lol
@miss t-lee,
That surprise sucks balls!
You’re fine one minute, then WHAM murder scene!
@SunEone,
lol @ murder scene
yeah the great thing about BC, besides controlling
unexpectedbirths, is that it allows you to know the day and TIME (of day) the womb excretion is to begin so no accidents happen@SunEone,
Yeah the murder scene is a no go!!! For the last 2 years since I went off the BC I’ve been experiencing these “suprises”.
Thanks Mother Nature, ya bald headed scallywag.
@t-lee,
“ya bald headed scallywag”
Should paid ya light bill. You bought a outfit! (ALright, alright!)
@ me fail english?,
Good save.
I’m not even in a hip hop mood today.
@The Champ,
I used to have it down, but lately it’s been fluctuating a bit…Aunt Flo visits like an unexpected annoying auntie…who always brings fruitcake.
@The Champ,
“you know, up until a couple years ago, i didnt even know this was possible. i thought all women knew like the exact date and time that their cycle would begin”
i just started counting recently. just makes life easier. but i usually know when its coming soon. i just get a feeling…..
@MizThickaDenThick,
Ummm…..
1. Impotence
I went to the doctor recently and he asked me about side effects for this medicine he prescribed. I said I was cool, there was a pause, and the doc then said “No problems with impotence, right?”
Personally, I felt like smacking him for not mentioning earlier that this particular medicine might cause impotence. While I’ve never had that problem, the mere possibility terrifies me so much that I would have risked the medical problems that could have occurred by refusing to take the prescribed medicine. I’m still taking the medicine, but any sign of the Jimmy wilting and it’s curtains.
2. Gay son
Sorry, this would be bad for me. Not just a gay son, but a flamboyantly gay son who liked to dress like a Morehouse man would be a problem. A real problem. That makes you question every decision you made as a father.
I completely agree about the committing to the wrong person fear, it’s one of my top three fears. This is my list in order:
1. Losing a child (once I have one) or one of my nieces or nephews.
2. Losing a sibling or significant other
3. Committing to the wrong person. Again.
4. I’ll admit that I’m scared of not finding the right person and dying alone.
5. Being stuck on a deserted island with Flava Flav and New York.
@SaneN85,
I’ll second #4. and unfortunately that could lead to #3 just to avoid that. sucks ass, lemme tell you.
@SaneN85, Re: #5 – LMBAO!
@SaneN85,
damn. each of these are scary as hell. eli roth should just say “f*ck it” and incorporate all of this in the screenplay for hostel 3
@SaneN85, that is a pretty scary list. man. i need to go call my mother or Miss Cleo.
call me now!
@Panama Jackson, I was one of the first to respond, and I guess I came out on a more serious tip. I really am not that morbid, but these are my biggest fears. I wasn’t tryin to have Ms. Cleo’s phone ringing again for the first time in a decade, and I wasn’t trying to be today’s wet blanket.
@SaneN85,
aw I’m scared of all of those things too. yo, if i eva lost my mom…. dayum… i cant even imagine my life without her or my baby sis….
Things that scare me sh*tless:
*Lil Wayne & other Roaches – I saw a roach like 5 feet in front of me. Instead of going in for the kill, I hopped up and down in the same spot, flailing my arms and saying “EEEEKKK!! It’s a rooooaaacchhh!!” for at least 30 seconds.
*The Dark – What’s there? I don’t know. EXACTLY! Don’t judge me.
*Horror movies – “Poltergeist” is the reason why I’m afraid of…
*Clowns – Between the chalky white face, the red lips painted in a perpetual smile and the receding hairline, clowns are just an all around NO.
@Luvvie,
the dark–i hear you.
@Luvvie,
“It”–the movie– is the reason why I don’t like clowns. Not really scared, but I can do without a clown in my life. Especially killer clowns chasing me and my friends….
@insomN.I.A.,
“It”–the movie– is the reason why I don’t like clowns. Not really scared, but I can do without a clown in my life. Especially killer clowns chasing me and my friends….
so i guess you werent a fan of “killer klowns from outer space” then?
@The Champ,
I was scared of “It” and I LOVED “Killer Klowns”. I feel like that used to come on HBO like every morning at 6am for years.
@Me fail english?,
Nah that was Cinemax…lol
HBO wasn’t showing that ish!!!!
ha!
@The Champ,
Killer Klowns was that ish! They never show that movie anymore. I tried to find the dvd, but no luck.
@BlkBond,
Ok! I still find popcorn and cotton candy portentous and spooky.
@insomN.I.A., IT was freaky. but then I read the book–why I do that? I’on know. lol. Pennywise the clown was soooooooo spooky. Killer Clowns from outer space was hilarious to me though.
@Luvvie, Oh damn! Don’t bring up Poltergeist. That sh*t still has me shiverin’!
@Champ>Other womanly fears:
1. Getting “Vince Vaughned”: you know how Vince Vaughn was the cool dude in Swingers (“money baby!”) and now he’s like..Al Bundy Jr.? Lord help the chick who ends up with a dude like that…
2. I’m afraid of stank. Not stink as in ‘the garbage stinks a bit, please take it out..” but as in footstank, breathstank etc..
3. Losing my man in some weird accident: like getting hit by a speeding ambulance or something… AAHH! Freak ish like that..
@GeekChicness,
Getting “Vince Vaughned”
**adding term to daily vsb lexicon**
@GeekChicness, getting hit by a speeding ambulance would have to rank as one of the most ironic deaths ever. i’m sure its happened before but yeesh.
btw, alanis morrissette shoudl revisit her song “ironic” and base it around this premise so that there would be some actual irony in the song.
and all you people saying the song is ironic bc nothing in the song is actually ironic are insane and need jesus.
that sounds stupid to me.
@Luvvie,
What the duece happened to the hyperlink of my name??? VSB is playing bald-headed games!
@Thuggie Luvvie,
hyperlink deez
Contracting a incurable disease and dying a horribly painful death….
Sorry, didnt mean to be so morbid. Oh and commiting to the wrong person.
@niteshiftnurse,
welcome and sh*t.
@niteshiftnurse,
“Contracting a incurable disease and dying a horribly painful death….”
So umm… you’re not gonna be sleeping w/ Lil Wayne no time soon huh? I’m CONVINCED that his crotch harbors weapons of mass diseases. Can’t nobody tell me otherwise.
@niteshiftnurse, well since you mentioned it, there really are a lot of quite morbid people on this comment list today.
i think death should be like a given.
then of course, i always thought losing virginity would be a given too until i started watching day time television.
@niteshiftnurse,
YES!!! That scares me every time I have off the cuff sex…you just dont know now and days. People don’t tell you they have an incurable disease like how they tell you they can lay some good pipe.
@niteshiftnurse,
yay for nurses! lol
Number 1 is number 1 for a reason. It is terrifying. Number 8 has kept me from sleeping with a lot of less than attractive girls. I swear every time I even think about it I can see my mom’s face when I come home and have to tell her this wildebeest is the mother of her future grandchild and it scares the **** out of me. Let’s just say my mother doesn’t hide her true feelings very well and the look of disdain would be biblical.
Also I’m afraid of foreign insects and animals… not animals we have here in America for the most part but animals from the amazon and the desert. Since I was in the Air Force, my friends would always tell me about camel spiders. I’ve never seen one in person but I seen pictures and trust if I did see one in person I’m OUT!
@A-Town Genius,
ooooh.. I’m not normally scared of insects, but there’s this spider that I swear smirks at me (outside the veranda of my house). It also rubs its middle part lovingly with extremely hairy feet and it’s HUGE!! Don’t know its name, don’t want to. I fear waking up and finding it cuddling next to my pillow one morning.. *shivers*
@Wanjiru,
“It also rubs its middle part lovingly with extremely hairy feet and it’s HUGE!’
i might have to edit this list now and put “seeing a giant masturbating spider” at number 1
@Wanjiru, this is hilarious on so many levels
@Wanjiru,
HAHA! I just got a visual of the spider in a top hat and monocle. Whenever I hear about public “consternation” I envision the guy in this outfit
@A-Town Genius,
I swear every time I even think about it I can see my mom’s face when I come home and have to tell her this wildebeest is the mother of her future grandchild and it scares the **** out of me. Let’s just say my mother doesn’t hide her true feelings very well and the look of disdain would be biblical.
see, my parents probably wouldnt say anything to me, but they’d definitely start a telephone game with my uncles and aunts. by the time it got back to me it would be “the champ went crazy and married two horses”
@The Champ,
My dad would be the one to start the telephone game and my brother would post pics on facebook
@A-Town Genius,
Dude, I jut goggled camel spiders…holy shyt!!! They look like prehistoric arachnids that possibly killed off small dinosaurs.
…and the after effects of their bite? Whoa…this is on my list of shyt to stay the f*ck away from.
@AkShone, I had the same reaction but your comment is hilarious.
@AkShone,
I’ve actually been to Kuwait and Camel spiders are a reality, however some of those pictures are exaggerated. The biggest I saw was about 2.5″. I’ve seen the bites that they give too…nasty. Don’t believe the hype on those pictures showing them to be the size of a mans palm…it’s not true.
@AkShone,
Is it bad that I’m so scared of spiders I won’t even look? Trust…you don’t wanna be there if I see one in person. Even the tiniest one…NO BUENO.
@AkShone,
That famous pic is shady. Look at it again, the camel spiders aren’t that big.
@A-Town Genius, the genius in me just googled “camel spiders” because I evidently like to torture myself for shats and giggles.
That spider would be enough to make me go AWOL
@Nicki Sunshine,
Yeah you know anytime an insect is named after some other animal, there’s bound to be problems (see also Dragonfly)
@Me fail english?, You ain’t never lied .lol
@Me fail english?,
Hilarious I just spit on my keyboard!
@A-Town Genius,
Camel spiders???? *faints*
iCan’t.
@Thuggie Luvvie, Yeah, I just scratched Iraq off my list of places I wanna see before I die
@Anger Management,
lmao
@A-Town Genius, “Also I’m afraid of foreign insects and animals… not animals we have here in America for the most part but animals from the amazon and the desert. Since I was in the Air Force, my friends would always tell me about camel spiders. I’ve never seen one in person but I seen pictures and trust if I did see one in person I’m OUT!”
I am with you on that one . . . i remember that forward that was going around the air force with the two big @ss camel spiders linked together. . . .Nah yo!
@IVR,
That photo was debunked. Check it out on Snopes.
@IVR,
Yeah I remember that email. I had people tell me they weren’t as big as they looked but I didn’t want any part of them regardless. I might actually be more scared of the scorpions because everytime I saw vids of the marines having camel spider/scorpion UFC fights that scorpion won!
@A-Town Genius,
Never heard of camel spiders. Just GoogleImaged it.
I’m scarred for life.
Also no one is more scared of number 6 than Tom Dubois
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qjyIzrZGK0
@A-Town Genius,
this still cracks me up every time i see it
well about 15 minutes ago, i had a panic attack when i typed in verysmartbrothas.com and it said “nothing found”. for a second i thought that maybe i just woke up after an 18 month long departure from my real life. perhaps my mind created this alter-ego named “miss patterson” in order to cope with the brewing insanity that overflowed as a result of five and a half years of LA, several loveless pursuits, and a year and a half of grad school. i never finished school, i never moved to pittsburgh, i’m just sitting here on the floor of a sparsely decorated livingroom, with imaginary friends named goodeness, intellectual hedonist, and overit and typing in an address to a blog that doesn’t exist. but then…i refreshed my browser and voila! i’m back. yay. dear vsb gods, please don’t scare me like that again. you are my insomnia blankie. thank you and goodnight.
@Miss Patterson,
Lemme get this straight, you woke up and thought that you hadn’t moved to Pittsburgh and weren’t friends with overit and IH and this was a BAD THING????
@Dorian G.,
***shots fired***
wait…i live in pittsburgh too, and am also friends with those two.
bodymore bastard.
@Dorian G.,
Dorian stop frontin’, you know you wish you were from and/or lived in the Burgh. Sixburgh, baby!
@Miss Patterson,
Who knew there were other intelligent beings in Pittsburgh– I thought the entire black/latin community in Pittsburgh was too busy at Krobar and selling drugs/having sex with drug dealers and birthing more little welfarians!!! Loves it!!!
@Miss Patterson, what the f*ck is vsb?
@Panama Jackson, vsb=very strange brothas
I am not afraid of ‘big’ things. You get what you are gonna get out of life.
But clowns, possums, down escalators, midgets and albinos terrify me.
Everything else? Meh.
@V.E.G.,
“down escalators”
Muahahahahaha!!! I got caught in an escalator when I was little. Sucked!
@Me fail english?, “Muahahahahaha!!! I got caught in an escalator when I was little. Sucked!”
Me TOO! In an Alexander’s (when they were around) mom dukes had to go buy me some new sneakers from payless . . . talk about embarrassment
@Me fail english?,
lol my grandma got stuck on the escalator…well actually it was going up and some kid messed around and it start going down and now she refuses to get on them. it was kind of funny tho but she’s really scared of them now.
@V.E.G.,
The down escalator is scary. However, falling down a flight of un-moving stairs scares me to death. And the fall just might kill me. One of hte reasons I hated running the bleachers in HS… we always had to come down.
@N.I.A. naturally,
lmao! I fell down some bleachers of the local high school when I was 12…in front of EVERYBODY. It was hilarious (in retrospect). Surprisingly though, nobody laughed. My crazy ass sister was threatening to beat ppl’s asses for so much as smirking. Thank Jeebs for ultra-violent big sisters
@Me fail english?, lol. This is cute. I think I’ve only recently stopped threatening people over my sister. Like in the past 3 years. I guess it was time.
@all y’all, you all should stop being so clumsy.
@V.E.G.,
so an albino midget clown carrying a possum down an escalator would probably just make your head explode, huh?
@The Champ,
I literally have a recurring nightmare where I am at the top of an escalator and the only way to escape the albino midget clown that is chasing me is to get on and ride down. But wait…there is always a possum at the bottom of the escalator.
@V.E.G., yes I am afraid of the down escalator too! I always get nervous as I get close to the bottom of it. seriously.
@V.E.G.,
lol my mom doesn’t like down escalators either. she’ll let 10 steps pass before she commits to setting her foot on one.
1. Having a child that is a loser. I.E. A crackhead kid, a high school drop out, or a flighty kid that wants to be a clown.
2. Being stuck in a marriage because we want to give our children a proper family.
3. Learning we’re infertile.
4. Being Susie Homemaker, ‘sted of Michelle Obama pre-2009.
5. Having a spouse or boyfriend that cheats and passes on an STD or the package.
6. Finding out our lovers teh gay.
7. Committing to the wrong man.
8. Being a member of the poors.
9. Looking old and haggard instead of old and sexy.
10. Being a statistic of any kind.
11. Having a kid to an asshole and having baby assholes.
12. As much as we love them, becoming our mothers.
13. Losing friends and alienating relatives.
14. And, everyones greatest fear: Death.
@Persona,
RE: #12, I’ve heard SO many women say this even if there mother is a very decent woman. Why is that?
RE: #14, I don’t fear death so to say, but I do fear dying a painful death. And the only thing worse than a painful death – a SLOW, painful death.
@Persona,
11. Having a kid to an asshole and having baby assholes.
this sounds like it would really suck. i cant imagine not liking your entire family.
welcome and sh*t, btw
@The Champ, i was thinking the exact same thing. i’d hate to hate my kid.
@Persona,
I don’t fear death. Now a slow and painful death, yeah….that would hurt.
Bond.
@Persona,
lol @ “being a member of the poors”…. i just thought your choice of words was funny although this situation itself is not.
okay, now that i’m back in a world with vsb. hmmm, let’s see. what scares pattiecakes?
1. well, i have a reoccurring dream that echoes fear #1. i dream that i am getting married to the wrong person. it is a really frightening image. i’m walking down the aisle, knowing that i’m about to be stuck with the wrong person for the rest of my life. it’s comfortable, it’s routine, it’s passionless, it’s a death sentence. that’s it. i wake up in a panic and i’m back to reality. funny thing is, i’ve never even been close to getting married.
2. i’m scared of sagging and/or deflated boobs.
3. i’m scared that one day i’ll buy a pair of mom jeans and not know. (i think this may have already happened.)
4. i’m scared that one day i’ll like candy corns, and that i’ll be like other candy corn lovers and push them onto unsuspecting trick or treaters.
5. i’m afraid that one day i might actually become a morning person, and become annoyingly chipper before dawn.
6. i’m afraid of mastitis and other deadly tales of breastfeeding.
7. i’m scared of episiotomies.
8. and lastly, i’m afraid of losing my childhood diaries.
@Miss Patterson,
I am pretty damn scared of the day I find myself tucking my t-shirt in and realize I’m dressing old or I wake up and put on a full linen suit with sandals… chills
@A-Town Genius,
Yep. I try my best to stay away from dressing like my father, but I see my wardrobe slowly morphing into his for some odd reason. Not a good thing.
“full linen suit with sandals”
I think this is universally the uniform for black men born between 1960 – 1973 (give or take a year depending on region) when they “go out”, lol!
@AkShone, this is funny because the last dude i dated was about 6 years older than me and fell into this birthyear bracket. and he too loved the linen suit for fancy occasions. maybe that’s why i broke up with him. hmmm…
You may have dodged a bullet. You know he would have got the baby linen suit for your unborn baby boy…and the baby gators, too.
http://www.hotfrog.com.au/Uploads/PressReleases/Baby-Christening-Suits-32663_image.jpg
Linen mini-me.
@AkShone,
*adds life-like dolls to list of scary stuff*
@Miss Patterson,
“i’m scared of episiotomies.”
True. I’m terrified of childbirth. I need more money so I can get a surrgoate. In fact, I’m really scared of everything that goes on in hospitals. It’s like a death factory that cranks out disease as a bonus. Everybody who checks in winds up experiencing some type of terrible pain and is usually unable to care for themselves for some time following release. I’d rather do a year in prison than 3 months in a hospital. Seriously.
@Me fail english?, “In fact, I’m really scared of everything that goes on in hospitals. It’s like a death factory ”
You must be talking about the hospital of my birth . . .good ol’ kings county. Patients dying in waiting rooms and being recorded and sh!t.
@IVR,
Lol. That’s where my parents were born too. I was born at Booth Memorial (now Queens General?) and that ish is pretty scary too. I effin hate them bishes. Dont get me started on Sloan-Kettering (Maimonides) which killed my good grandfather. Bad grandpa, on the other hand, is still ticking. Know why? Cuz he refuses medical treatment!
@Miss Patterson,
“8. and lastly, i’m afraid of losing my childhood diaries.”
Just make sure your step-mom doesn’t find them and make copies of it and try to blackmail you with the info.
*This may or may not be a true story.
@Miss Patterson, 6. i’m afraid of mastitis and other deadly tales of breastfeeding.
7. i’m scared of episiotomies.
Awwwww… you don’t have to get an episiotomy. I didn’t. Nor did I have an epidural. lol. Breastfeeding is torture for about the 1st 2 weeks… then it’s a breeze (unless you have a child who doesn’t want to wean then it’s torture again lol). You’ll be fine when the time comes
@Miss Patterson,
3. i’m scared that one day i’ll buy a pair of mom jeans and not know. (i think this may have already happened.)
LOL
@Miss Patterson, so you’re all about Obama’s health care reform then, huh?
@Panama Jackson, yeah if it includes hiring a surrogate & wet nurse at no additional cost to me. i’ve had the unfortunate experience of living vicariously through my friends who have had 36 hour labors and a host of post delivery horror stories. i pray for their boobs and hoo-has.
@Miss Patterson,
“hoo-has”
I just imagined you saying this with cadence and inflection of Al Pacino in “Scent of A Woman”. It was awesome.