Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Pop Culture

Say It Ain’t So, Santa! Kim K Is Getting a Divorce!

Look, I know I don't belong here, but until she figures it out, I'M RICH BEEEEYOTCH!

Well, if you had 72 days in your office pool, consider yourself a beast. Or a goon. Or a motherf*ckin’ prophet goblin. As the world discovered yesterday, Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce from her goofy husband-beard combo man of 72 days.

Hey, did you know that the average gestation period for a dog is 58-70 days? A cat is 58-65 days. A wolf is about 68 days. The more you know.

*ding*

Back to Kim and Kris. Nobody thought this marriage was going to last. Hell, I’m sure most of couldn’t quite believe it was happening. Kris Humphries included. And I’m not sure if it was because we were surprised that that ninja pulled Kim K. or because we couldn’t believe that a woman whose entire comeup was due to one wayward sex tape would ever convince a man to marry her. Sure, men fall in love with strippers all the time. But Ray J made her famous. Fan or not, that’s a tough pill to swallow.

Real talk, if I sent them a wedding gift I’d ask for it back. I wonder if all along Kim just wanted to have a wedding and knew that no sane individual with money would actually waste his time wifing her, and she’d never date a regular guy anyway so her chances of ending up married were probably slim, so she said f*ck it and planned the only wedding in history that actually MADE money. Which might be a first given that like it or not, Kim K is a good lookin’ woman. It’s reminiscent of the Lauren London effect. Knowing that she let Lil Wayne knock her up somehow reduced her stock to Netflix status.

Conventionally speaking, the Kardashian sisters teach us some interesting lessons about life. The most banging one, Kim, is the one I think most of us would least like to marry and it has sh*t to do with her. She doesn’t seem to have much personality to speak of anyway but some men could deal with that. But again, she was Willie Jr’s jumpoff and nearly all men think we have more game than Ray J despite the fact that it’s obviously not true. There’s a possible post in there but I’ll hold off on that. Khloe is debateably attractive. And by debateably I mean not very. She’s got a certain half man/half amazing face going on that I’m just not sure I’d ever be comfortable waking up next too. Luckily Lamar Odom doesn’t mind that so much. But yet, she’s the married one…like ACTUALLY married. Kourtney is my favorite and she got knocked up by a white dude. That despite his dbag status is the kind of guy nearly all Black women would love to hang with.

It’s really quite confounding. The Kardashians really are some ninjas.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Kris Humphries not only saw this coming but didn’t give a f*ck either. Again, my guess is that he couldn’t believe it was happening anyway. So he rode that pony until he couldn’t anymore. One day he woke up and was like, “holy sh*t, I’m actually about to marry motherf*ckin’ Kim Kardashian.” So instead of trying to make this farcical wedding work, he just decided to party it up and live good on her dime while the good times rolled. He had no business in that role anyway. And I’m with him on that. I’d be throwing that Kardashian money around, making it typhoon on hoes in Singapore and Tokyo…at the same time. I’d send one of my boys to Tokyo and we’d do a synchronized money drop just because we could. The ignorance would be impressive.

The one thing to note here is that not only is nobody surprised, I’m guessing nobody cares. Not even Kim’s sisters. Not Lamar Odom. Not OJ. He actually just wants freedom. Not a cat in a hat. Not a bat chasing a rat who scats like that like this or like that, and uh. The fact that you could call a wedding off after a mere 72 days means you weren’t every officially into the sh*t to begin with. Short of finding out that your man smanged your mother’s labridoodle while singing “The Saints Go Marching In” and cooking breakfast for your best friend twice removed, there shouldn’t be SO much turmoil that early in that you have to get a divorce. That’s what makes it look even more ridiculous. Even by Hollywood standards that’s too short. At least make it to a year, Kim. Make us believe love did live there at some point. Plus, what a douche. He’s out of a job and his job sucked in the first place. Way to kick a man when he’s down, Kim. You trollop.

Thoughts, if any, on the big news? Are you surprised it lasted only 72 days? What was your original guess for their marriage’s demise? And even more interesting, is Kim K marriage material?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I WOULDN’T MARRY HER aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

[***AdminNote: For the DC ninjas, come party this Saturday, November 5, 2011 at Liv Nightclub (2001 11th Street, NW) as VSB brings you another edition of REMINISCE, the party dedicated to all 90s everything. Free before 11pm ($10 after); open bar from 10-11pm (real talk); and no dress code. Party wit’ ya folk. Doors at 10pm.***]

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • Gigi Young

    Hmm…I saw this as purely a publicity stunt (that worked), but I don’t get why her sex tape with Ray J (her boyfriend) would keep a man from marrying her. Especially when she’s been married before. Personally, I think Kim likes the fairy tale aspect of a wedding, as well as the publicity that comes her way when she’s dating, but doesn’t care about being tied down.

  • naturalista88

    I thought it would be at least 6 months before we got this “news.” Btw, really liking the new look of the website, I feel rather important coming on here now *lol*.

  • Tx10inch

    I have to say, I’ve taken showers longer than her marriage. smh.

    Don’t know about everyone else, but I actually thought Humphries was an ok dude. Sham relationship or not he was actually the sane one in the midst of all the foolishness. *10inchshrug* just my opinion. Also, I like Kloe tha best. sue me…

  • Iamnotakata

    I had no guess about her stupid sham wedding because she is a NMFF….and I don’t support wh*res…

  • CurlyTop

    “prophet goblin.”
    “The one thing to note here is that not only is nobody surprised, I’m guessing nobody cares. Not even Kim’s sisters. Not Lamar Odom. Not OJ. He actually just wants freedom. Not a cat in a hat. Not a bat chasing a rat who scats like that like this or like that, and uh.”

    PJ, this was hilariously written! I love VSB and am happy that ya’ll are back. Love the new look and I hope you guys and keep it for longer than 72 days!!! <3

  • “Well, if you had 72 days in your office pool, consider yourself a beast.”

    LOL, we were straight up saying at work that we should’ve been doing THIS pool instead of the football.

    “But Ray J made her famous. Fan or not, that’s a tough pill to swallow.”

    This GOTTA be a pun. It is. So let it be typed, so shall it be done.

    “That despite his dbag status is the kind of guy nearly all Black women would love to hang with.”

    Wait… really? *looks for these nearly all Black women… aka more people*

    “Short of finding out that your man smanged your mother’s labridoodle while singing “The Saings Go Marching In” and cooking breakfast for your best friend twice removed, there shouldn’t be SO much turmoil that early in that you have to get a divorce.”

    *Gina from ADW voice* RIGHT ON INNNNNN, NOT OUT BUT INNNNNN!

    I seriously think the biggest news is the fact that Kim met Kris Humphries in the first place. She actually found proof that the urban legend Humphries creature actually exists!! Take that take that, Bigfoot enthusiasts! Bad boy, baby.

  • MzThang

    I saw it as a stunt too…this was a way for she and her mother to make banlieue off of E! And all those sponsors…figured she must have received her royalty check. I think the Kardashians are all about money anyways except Khloe

  • Mo-VSS

    I can imagine how the comments will be on this. I really don’t care about this news. It’s funny, ridiculous, crazy and most of all…predictable.

    I will say this. Gay people can’t get married b/c of they’d supposedly tarnish the “sanctity” that marriage. Bulls*t. Heteros have a long-standing tradition of making a farce out of marriage and this is another, very public at that, example of fact.

  • KEITY RICH

    While I’m not surprised the marriage is ending, I do in fact, think Kim is marriage material. A man could do worse. She’s (by most standards) beautiful and she makes her own money. I can’t attest to her personality but it’s not like nobody marries boring people. Her biggest flaw is being videotaped banging a greasy jerk. I don’t know any ladies who haven’t banged a greasy jerk here and there. Most just didn’t have the misfortune of the act being recorded.

  • Ennh…There have been shorter weddings (read: 24 hours), so I’m neither surprised by this nor do I truly give a care in the world. I’m just happy VSB is back up. Again. For now.

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