Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists

rsvp deez: five faux pas of house party hooking-up

saturday night, the champ was among approximately 30 or so very smart brothas and sistas (plus a token white guy, invited just in case hbo ppv required that someone with good credit co-signed the purchase of the pacquiao fight) gathered for march’s “game night”, a monthly rotating house party/excuse for pittsburgh-area professional black people to drink juice-box coronas and eat homemade meatballs while playing spades and taboo.

as you can imagine, game night is also a prime hook-up opportunity for many in attendance, as well as a great chance for those already coupled up to observe the multiple social etiquette faux pas committed by those actively looking for their next ex.

here’s a few of my favorite.

1. mr. or ms. “i haven’t figured out yet that i’m wasting my time trying to hook-up with someone who’s clearly not that interested in me”

whether its because of the alcohol or the (relatively) polite setting, there always remains a couple people so unaware of social cues that they continue with their full-court man-to-man press even though the other team is already back at the fucking hotel.

***btw, vsb’s and vss’s, if you ever think you’re in this situation, be mindful of one thing: laughter. basically, if you’re having one of those “i’m exchanging meaningless words with this person just to gauge their interest” convos and they haven’t even cracked a nervous smile or chuckled once, chances are that they probably think a wii directions manual is more interesting then you***

2. ms. “i probably should have either worn a belt or lotioned her butt crack if i planned on sitting like this all night”

a faux pas only rivaled by ms.i have giant boobs and i’m giving all the guys too familiar hugs on the list of “relatively harmless things that will get a woman a seriously strong collective side-eye in a roomful of sistas”

3. mr. “i’m rocking enough unforgivable to suffocate a fuckin moose ox”

usually, this is also the same guy rocking an outfit specifically chosen to accentuate his gold bracelets, as well as the too competitive guy sweating through his shirt while playing charades

4. the “we just now realized that we’ve been talking to/sleeping with the same guy” twins

one of my favorites, along with their close cousin,

5. mr. “i should have looked at the invite list and realized that both of the chicks i’ve been sleeping with were coming so i could have stayed my ass at home

anyway, people of vsb.com, i’m sure i’m missing a few. can you think of any other faux pas of house party hooking-up?

the floor is yours and sh*t

—the champ

Filed Under: ,
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://keepittrill.blogspot.com/ Kit (Keep It Trill)

    Mr. Weedman or Mr. Coke Dealer shows up, not realizing this is a drug-free party.

    Ms. Jailbait, trying pass for18, attends.

    The probation officer for both is there, and he’s your friend. You beg him in a desperate whisper in the kitchen, not to do a bust in your house ’cause you don’t even know those ninjas, while Mr & Ms. Vegetarian complain that y’all forgot the veggies and the landlord below is thumping a broomstick on his ceiling about the music being too loud.

    • Ivyette

      @Kit (Keep It Trill),
      “…while Mr & Ms. Vegetarian complain that y’all forgot the veggies”

      Ohhhh…the food snobs. They look at you all funny and say ish like “you eat that? I don’t because.blah blah it causes diseases blah blah it’s bad for the environment blah blah children are starving everywhere blah blah blah….

      • Satya

        @Ivyette, lol. I threw my friend a baby shower in June and only 1 person was a vege n she just ate whatever didn’t have meat. but her fat a*s niece complained about how i didn’t take everyone into consideration. wtf if your vege n you know the event is thrown by carnivores bring your own dam veggies! don’t be a pain in my rump! if there aren’t at least 4 vegetarians coming I am not going out of my way to make a dish especially for you. you better load up on spinach dip

        • PartyArdie1

          I know that is right. I’m a Raw Food Vege n so that means I always bring baggies and my own bottle (water, green drinks etc..).
          Live and let live but don’t forget your buffalo wings when you come on my side of town. LOL

      • OrangeStar616

        @Ivyette, I’m a food snob, don’t judge me LOL and weed is legal in alot of states now for medicinal purposes of course ;-)

        • TreeTop

          @OrangeStar616,

          speaking as a food snob myself, i always eat before going to parties….

        • miss t-lee

          @ TreeTop,

          Yep!!!! :)

    • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Dash

      @Kit (Keep It Trill),
      Ms. Jailbait, trying pass for 18, attends.

      I remember how hard it was for me when I was underage, and my play mate used to drag my obviously 16 year old ass to social events. Everyone there always knew that my mama was sitting on the couch waiting for me to come home.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Kit (Keep It Trill),

      Mr & Ms. Vegetarian complain that y’all forgot the veggie

      one of my friends is a serious vegan and sh*t, and its amazing how many times per conversation she has to let someone know that all types of meat (and seafood) are gross, even if we’re not talking about food. we could be having a convo about kill bill and she’ll still find a way to fit a “damn, how the hell do you eat shrimp? that shit looks so gross” in there

  • Ivyette

    Faux Pas…

    1. Ms/Mr I have to start every sentence with “we as black people” and then pontificate on how to solve every problem American blacks face (sheesh….can we just play spades and enjoy the wings?)

    2. Mr/Ms I am too good for these gatherings, but I decided to bless ya’ll with my presence

    You know the dude/girl who brags about all the things they could have been doing (but that event was magically canceled so they end up sitting right next to you). Their conversation usually starts with “I was supposed to be going to ____ club for _____ release party”…..(then go there ninja and quit talking to me)

    3. Mr/Ms Overdressed to Kill
    It’s just a smedium sized gathering of people;must you wear 11 inch stilettos that require you to take steps smaller than an oompa loompa? Dude, must you continue to wear that fedora or “stingy brim”?(lol…always wanted a reason to use that term) Caveat: this person is known to talk about “haters” and how “they” are watching

    • Ivyette

      @Ivyette,

      Side note/post corruption for Champ’s entry

      Did anyone catch how SNL used the term “ninja” in that sketch advertising a trailer park-like outdoor concert/monster fest?

      • It Figures!

        @Ivyette,

        Yes. I wondered if they meant ninja like it is used here.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Ivyette,

        Did anyone catch how SNL used the term “ninja” in that sketch advertising a trailer park-like outdoor concert/monster fest?

        yeah, they run that commercial/skit pretty frequently. its one of the few legitmately funny things are snl nowadays (and no, i dont think they meant to use ninjas in the substitute for niggas since, but in the lithe cats wearing all black sense)

      • Humble_One

        @Ivyette,

        Yeah I saw it. It was funny but at the same time I was trying to figure out the context in which they were using it.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Ivyette,

      your one, two, and three often happen to be the exact same person

    • Humble_One

      @Ivyette,

      Why does #2 and #3 like to show up at cookouts in someones backyard? Why do they feel it’s necessary to tell us that they had something better to do?

      • Ivyette

        @Humble_One,
        “Why do they feel it’s necessary to tell us that they had something better to do?”

        They think people really care when we surely don’t. It’s also meant to slight whoever is around. As in, you guys aren’t really good enough for me. Insecurity is a mutha!

  • sharde

    mr. “i act single 24/7 but im bringing my girlfriend tonight”
    don’t get mad at me when i make a joke about how you tried to holla at my roommate last week! if you acted like you had a girlf, i wouldn’t have “slipped up” and made her hate you the rest of the night.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @sharde,

      even worse is the mr./ms. “my significant other is here, but i’m still going to act like i’m single”

    • Ivyette

      @sharde,

      Notice how this same person becomes strangely quiet and places an imaginary fence around him and his lady. Like he’s scared that if they get too friendly, he’ll get busted.

  • root

    ‘3. mr. “i’m rocking enough unforgivable to suffocate a fuckin moose ox” ‘

    Hilarious post!

    Mr. “Imma try to get at you even tho I just failed at getting your girl’s number”
    No dice!

    & Mr/Ms “Waaayyy too eager to get faded”
    Never a good look.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @root,

      Mr. “Imma try to get at you even tho I just failed at getting your girl’s number”
      No dice!

      see, i was just talking to my girl about that this weekend. even though it seems like an optimum hook-up setting, its tough for guys to navigate it sometimes because if everybody pretty much knows everybody else, if you make the mistake being interested in three women, but trying to holler at the wrong one first, you’re basically f*cked (or…not)

    • Gem of the Ocean

      @root,

      Mr/Ms “Waaayyy too eager to get faded”

      at least 50% of our pgh game nights are made up of that guy/gal lol

      #kanyeshrug

  • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

    Here’s a few:

    Mr./Ms. Life Isn’t All About Fun And Games – Like really? It’s a social gathering with having fun as the main theme. Save the overly-seriousness, conspiracy theories, and wet blankets.

    Mr./Ms. Know It All – C’mon Son…no one wants to hear your opinion on EVERYTHING! You’re not really that deep.

    Mr./Ms. I’m Too Good To Be Here – If it isn’t your type of crowd or venue, get the fugg out.

    Mr. And Ms. We Brought The Arguement We Had Earlier To Share With Y’all – Keep your private issues private. No need to ruin the mood with the bickering and tension.

    • http://keepittrill.blogspot.com/ Kit (Keep It Trill)

      @Monk, “Mr. And Ms. We Brought The Argument We Had Earlier To Share With Y’all”

      *dying*

      Been to a few of those, the funniest (in a sad way, of course) was an outdoor cookout that led to a rolling in the grass brawl between a couple that got too drunk to swing accurately at one another.

      • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

        @Kit (Keep It Trill),

        Dang. Why do I picture some people standing around talkin’ ’bout, “Let them fight…nobody break it up,” just to get a kick out of it?

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @Monk,

          “Dang. Why do I picture some people standing around talkin’ ’bout, “Let them fight…nobody break it up,” just to get a kick out of it?”

          Same reason I pictured the same thing, I guess. Only I envisioned “people” to be “Babs from Making the Band”.

      • Lil’T

        @Kit (Keep It Trill),

        I don’t know where you hang out, but I need to visit. With my video camera, lol.

      • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Dash

        @Kit (Keep It Trill),
        Dang. Why do I picture some people standing around talkin’ ’bout, “Let them fight…nobody break it up,” just to get a kick out of it?

        I got the same picture because I have seen this myself. Everyone was instigating, and everyone wanted homie to let go, and finally checks his mouthy girl.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Monk,

      Mr. And Ms. We Brought The Arguement We Had Earlier To Share With Y’all – Keep your private issues private. No need to ruin the mood with the bickering and tension.

      in my opinion, this is usually one of the most entertaining parts of the evening. its almost like you’re watching one of thse super awkward moments on “the office” right in front of you

    • Gem of the Ocean

      @Monk,

      Mr. And Ms. We Brought The Arguement We Had Earlier To Share With Y’all – Keep your private issues private. No need to ruin the mood with the bickering and tension.

      LOL a house gathering is the perfect place for the drama to unfold — in the crowd are multiple relationship refs. the winner is picked and they get bragging rights, extra dip, and first game pick. win win win.

  • legitimate_soul

    -Mr and or Mrs. I wanna run sh*t-Can be socially awkward and after a lil’ drank, they standing on chairs and tables trying to get everyone’s attention to listen to them and and get everybody at the party to do something that makes no sense.

    -Mr. or Mrs. Way Too Thirsty-They are flirting and coming on to everything moving. Leave your partner for sec to use the restroom and they all in their face EXTRA HARD. They tend to be wayyyyy too comfortable. Curling legs and feet in another’s lap, taking shoes off when no one else, including the host has taken theirs off, Feeding people of the opposite sex, sticking their fingers in food and trying to seductively lick it off. Generally, doing the most.

    • OrangeStar616

      @legitimate_soul, uhhhh at the super parched folk..get them a glass of water please LOL….that makes me think of Dre 3000, LOLnucca said he need a glass water to chase the hate away LLS…ahh we need another dose Dre!!!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @legitimate_soul,

      Mr and or Mrs. I wanna run sh*t-Can be socially awkward and after a lil’ drank, they standing on chairs and tables trying to get everyone’s attention to listen to them and and get everybody at the party to do something that makes no sense.

      i call these cats the “whatever niggas” because after about 10 minutes of their foolishness, everybody in the room is thinking to themselves “aiight. whatever, nigga”

      • Ash

        @The Champ,

        “i call these cats the “whatever niggas” because after about 10 minutes of their foolishness, everybody in the room is thinking to themselves “aiight. whatever, nigga”

        Hahaha @ Whatever, nigga!! That is too true – I’m going to use that in a sentence in the next week just cause.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @The Champ,

        “i call these cats the “whatever niggas” because after about 10 minutes of their foolishness, everybody in the room is thinking to themselves “aiight. whatever, nigga””

        Haha. Perfection.

      • OftenConfused

        @The Champ,

        **i call these cats the “whatever niggas” because after about 10 minutes of their foolishness, everybody in the room is thinking to themselves “aiight. whatever, nigga**

        I’m so using this!! I just know the opputunity will show itself soon.

  • P.

    Mr./Mrs. “I just dropped in real quick to see/do such-and-such” who ends up staying the entire time and telling this to everyone they speak to. If your ass says this and isn’t out of there in an hour, then stop frontin like you got other things to do homie, you obviously don’t.

    Mr./Mrs. “I decided to come a social event yet I’m on the phone the whole time and not actually talking to anyone at said event.” You could’ve done that ish at home. I’ll be damned if you show up and eat people’s food and ish while you’re on the phone acting like nobody’s around.

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @P.,
      “Mr./Mrs. “I decided to come a social event yet I’m on the phone the whole time and not actually talking to anyone at said event.” You could’ve done that ish at home. I’ll be damned if you show up and eat people’s food and ish while you’re on the phone acting like nobody’s around.”

      The phones and technology has really gotten things out of hand. Having text conversations, updating your facebook/twitter statuses every 5 minutes, sending pictures to said social networking sites while still there, etc. has to take away from the fun at some point. I have a hard time believing that something is so “off the chain” if you have time to do all of that.

    • miss t-lee

      @P.,
      “Mr./Mrs. “I decided to come a social event yet I’m on the phone the whole time and not actually talking to anyone at said event.” You could’ve done that ish at home. I’ll be damned if you show up and eat people’s food and ish while you’re on the phone acting like nobody’s around.”

      This is just so rude. I swear technology has folks forgetting their home training (if they had any to begin with).

      Last year one of my co-worker had a dinner party for her b-day. Why did one of the girls sit at the table all night with her face glued to her iphone? Didn’t talk to anyone, barely ordered her food, the whole time she was engrossed in her phone.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @P.,

      Mr./Mrs. “I decided to come a social event yet I’m on the phone the whole time and not actually talking to anyone at said event.” You could’ve done that ish at home. I’ll be damned if you show up and eat people’s food and ish while you’re on the phone acting like nobody’s around.

      even worse is the socially awkward asshole who does this, but takes pics with his/her phone and posts and tags them on facebook

  • charli skipper

    Ms. “I can’t stop/won’t stop bragging about how I can drink any man under the table (and outman a man in any other way, in general). But I want a man and don’t understand why I don’t have one AND I’m really bitter about it.” —This is that girl that complains when the object of her affection arrives with a feminine girl who’s bubbly and goes with the flow. She shows up to the party to drink hard liquor and brag about how nobody will ever be able to get her drunk because, apparently, she missed the memo that a) nobody is trying to, b) everybody here already knows that you can’t afford to get drunk because you drove yourself here alone. and you’ll be driving yourself home, and c) um……who else is really trying to get THAT drunk tonight? it’s thursday. you don’t deserve a cracker for that wack accomplishment.

    ms. “i know you brought me along to have a good time at this party with your work/school friends, but i’m just going to be rude and make it awkward for you by dragging you to a corner and insisting we conduct a private conversation there all night about all the drama that i have caused in my own life this week. oh, wait….who is this girl trying to speak to us….let’s be really obvious and make fun of her”

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @charli skipper,

      All of this is gospel.

    • http://www.shesoflyy.blogspot.com Muze

      @charli skipper,

      brought that second one to a gathering once. neva eva again.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @charli skipper,

      your first one is exactly why we’re not inviting liz to the vsb bbq

  • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Dash

    Well the Divorced couple who showed up with their rebound mates has to be the most explosively awkward situation followed by the “Love Web”, the convoluted drug addled big sister to the Love Triangle. I went to a movie night, where everyone seemed have slept with at least two of the 15 people who were there in that crowded living room.

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @Dash,

      I wonder is it ever reallycool to invite a divorced couple (or long term relationship-broken up couple) to the same event knowing that this awkwardness would occur. I know that they may know the same circle of friends and after a good amount of time, both may be mature enough to handle the situation, but it still seems like it wouldn’t be a good look.

      • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Dash

        @Monk,
        I used to be even more awkward when divorced parents used to show up to events related to the youth sports I coached. I eventually got chewed out because I had all of the fathers’ numbers and used to give them the correct times and dates of games and outings because their ex-wives would constantly lie to them about them and try to make them look bad when they did not show up.

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @Dash,

          Those ex-wives sound like they’re beyond trifling…that’s just straight up evil.

      • Dash

        @Monk,
        This behavior crosses ethnic, racial, and socioeconomic lines. It has happened everywhere that I have coached. From the mean streets of Birmingham to the roadkill strewn roads of Wakullah County, Florida. Scorned women love using their kids as weapons.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Dash,

      I went to a movie night, where everyone seemed have slept with at least two of the 15 people who were there in that crowded living room.

      oh yeah, everyone has to attend at least one “damn, is there anybody here who hasn’t hooked up with someone else here?” event, just to see if you can make it out unscathed.

      • Humble_One

        @The Champ,

        “oh yeah, everyone has to attend at least one “damn, is there anybody here who hasn’t hooked up with someone else here?” event, just to see if you can make it out unscathed”

        I’ve been in this situation too many times. It tends to happen with those people that only deal with people in their circle. I see this more with women than men in these groups. Men are usually equal opportunity. The women will only talk to you if you are friends with someone in the group they see often or you have slept with a few women in the group.

      • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Dash

        @The Champ, To make matters worse we were watching “Why Did I Get Married”, which coupled with alcohol, and the general assholishness of me and my friends, led to a bit of a dust up between a couple members of the web.

  • QueenT

    LOL! I haven’t been to a houseparty in so long. I just hate when nobody wants to dance. Everybody is standing around the wall, like it needs their body to hold it up. If they are playing music, Dance! I hate to be the only one with my date out on the floor getting our swerve on……

    • OrangeStar616

      @QueenT, with or without date….I love to dance!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @QueenT,

      I hate to be the only one with my date out on the floor getting our swerve on……

      sound like you’re definitely a ms. “even though this clearly isn’t the time or place for dancing to occur, if there’s even a little backgrouund music playing i’m going to awkwardly grind with somebody”

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @The Champ,

        lol

        Even though I love to dance, I’m definitely never the one to “start” the dancing. I make sure there are at least a few other people dancing. I’m not a “start the slow clap” kinda chick.

      • Gem of the Ocean

        @The Champ,

        LOL fa real. that was tt’s last summer for dr. s’s going away party. after hours, the lights went dim and the grinding music was turnt all the way up.

        p.s. at what age range do your guests need to be for them NOT to think a house party means a “dance party”?? game/movie/dinner nights should not be a bootleg club scene, just a club alternative.