Theory & Essay

Roses.

Over the course of every relationship, there are a bunch of different levels you reach. There’s the first kiss, the first time you see each other naked, the first time you meet the parents, etc. Relationships are one big ass video game where you keep trying to beat levels to get the ultimate prize.

I’m not actually sure what the ultimate prize is but we’re all socialized to believe that there is one after you get married so let’s just assume that actually happens. Mmkay?

Mmkay.

Now most of those levels are attained together and even without a verbal confirmation, both parties generally understand that you’ve just beat the last villain and have moved up a difficulty.

However, there is one level that isn’t achieved together in a traditional sense. It’s one that calls into question exactly how two individuals might view one another.

It’s all about that real (hip-hop).

Follow me now.

Say the two of you (man and woman) are sitting on the couch watching television. You’re playing those funny little cutesy games where you pretend you’re wrestling for wrestling sake but its really all just foreplay. You both are drinking beers and eating chips and watching Ocean’s 13 when she looks right into your eyes, then looks at the television, lifts her left leg and poots like its nobody’s business. In fact, forget the euphemistic term “poot”…she straight up farts. Loudy. Manly.

And it ain’t a silent-but-deadly here. Nope. This one packs a punch.

People, the dog leaves the room.

As a human, we all understand that men and women both get a little gassy and have to release the hounds on occasion. But honestly, some men just aren’t ready to handle it. And similarly, some women are never ready to let a man know they actually renegade the twalet.

Most women want men to think that they sh*t flowers and poot daffodils and have cutesy, tiny burps. And most men are happy with women letting them think this. There are those women who come at you off top with this whole, “I’m a real person” mantra who will burp in front of you and pass BP and stuff. Thing is, I know some guys who “appreciate” that…to a certain point. At the point where you’re having impromptu undesired competitive burping contests, it might start to get a little annoying.

This is that interesting level where things get sticky. Men, we like to think of our women’s icky bathroom activities kind of like graffiti-esque stretchmarks and Monica Lewinsky’s dirty dress – we know it exists, but we’d just prefer to never see it and pretend it didn’t. At the point where you introduce the funk to the P, I have to determine just how comfortable I am with my “lady” being less “ladylike”. For me, it’s not that big a deal, but then again, I’ve never actually dated a chick who’d try to pull a Dutch Oven on me. And really, I’m not sure how I’d handle it. But I do know some dudes who would let a chick go who was too free with herself and her not-solid-not-liquid emissions.

I did date one chick who let one rip so effervescently that I still remember it to this day. And she was sleep and it kcuffed up my WHOLE day. I just wasn’t ready. We got over it…mostly because it woke her up out of her sleep and she had to leave the room too. She was embarrassed and I couldn’t stop talking about it. Just a bad combination.

But still, I remember it to this day.

So anyway, good people of VSB.com, at what point do you women feel its okay to just be free like Deniece Williams? To my brohams, do you prefer a woman who seems too dainty and sh*t to let it rip? Or do you want “such a f*cking lady?” who’s motto is “better out than in!”

Inquiring minds would like to know.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Filed Under: ,
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • http://www.seventeencents.blogspot.com QB

    i think it is equally unattractive for men to fart/belch/what have you as it is for women

    i dont think there is a specific time in a relationship where it becomes “acceptable” to just let one rip in the middle of the living room. if you can lift your leg to let it out you can walk to the other room.

    • Raqi

      For some weird reason it’s like a man’s right to do so.

  • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

    See, that’s the thing. I have to have that “homie lover friend” type vibe with you before you release the hounds out the gate. I can’t be going gaga over your babydollness and you drop that bass on me. It kinda fucks up the sweet, innocent, sexy thoughts…cause the smell is on that …you have to let it linger. do you have to, do you have to? no matter, it does.

    Now, one lady I was dating would faht, as I call it, whenever she laughed hard. THEN she would laugh harder. I swear, those times were cute and fun…another chick I dated would fart and keep walking like it didn’t happen…as the paint ran down the wall bedhind her. I say, poots are good until I see the bits, once I see the bits, you can start farting…WE can start farting. At least then we know if it’s worth braving the green fog to get a kiss, or just float…float on.

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      “Now, one lady I was dating would faht, as I call it, whenever she laughed hard. THEN she would laugh harder. I swear, those times were cute and fun…”

      This is totally acceptable. It’s an uncontrollable, natural reaction at this point and it can add to the humor if you’re already laughing hysterically.

      *wait for bias comment with disclaimer*

      I Do This…time to time. But then again, I’m a man.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        ““Now, one lady I was dating would faht, as I call it, whenever she laughed hard. THEN she would laugh harder. I swear, those times were cute and fun…””

        you had me at “faht”

    • Raqi

      That’s why I always tried to avoid being tickled. It tends to push the button. TMI

      • Genius Khan

        tickle tickle Raq the fart monster…

    • miss t-lee

      “release the hounds out the gate”

      Never heard this term before, but it’s hilarious! :)

    • ForReal

      ThicFlair, love the Cranberries and The Floaters references :-)

      • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

        ForReal? ahem, THANK’ YA kindly.

    • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

      love the name
      woooooooooooooo!

      • miss t-lee

        To be the man, you gotta beat the man!!!
        Woooooo!!!

        • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

          Stylin and Profilin
          Woooooooooo!

          • Conscience

            LOL. Yall Killin me with the Ric Flair comments.

            “Wooooooo To be the man you gotta to beat THE MAN Woooooooo!”

            • miss t-lee

              “Whether you like it or not, learn to love it, because its the best thing going. Wooooo!”

              • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

                you flair fans are warming my heart. I’m going back to space mountain.

              • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

                by the way, I meant RIC not THIC…

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      I can’t be going gaga over your babydollness and you drop that bass on me. It kinda fucks up the sweet, innocent, sexy thoughts…

      ahhhhhhhhhh…not drop the BASS!!! too through…

  • http://www.singleblackmale.net Single Black Male

    Damn … the dog left the room though ?!?!

    I say she should be comfortable, but it needs to be silent and deadly. I don’t need you letting your insides rot because of some mental image you want to keep “unblemished” in my head, but if you make no attempt to hide the noise and actually cock up your leg … well … you might get pushed off the couch.

  • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

    I think after it occurs during sex, it’s pretty much fair game anytime else.

    That and when she does it forgetting you’re there and you finish laughing, not at the fart, but at how embarrassed she’s acting because you realized that it was no real big deal after all.

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      “I think after it occurs during sex, it’s pretty much fair game anytime else.”

      Exactly what female body part are you referring to? Just asking…

      • Raqi

        A queef. ooooh.

        • shay

          i tend to laugh at that point and just keep going.. but for some reasons those dont come out until its getting really good…

          • miss t-lee

            This is true.

          • JBoogie

            True dat…

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “A queef. ooooh.”

          first t-shirt quote of the day

          • Raqi

            AH!!!! I finally got a t-shirt. (sniff)

        • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

          “Queef” always makes me giggle.

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      I think after it occurs during sex, it’s pretty much fair game anytime else.

      @kamakula…

      first off I am JUST realizing that your name is a play on dracula…I feel so “short bus” for that…lol…

      secondly…queefing and butt thunder arr two completley different things…no?

      • The Queen

        “secondly…queefing and butt thunder arr two completley different things…no?”

        LMAO Butt thunder is only okay if you are sick, really sick.

        Queefing…totally okay. What goes in must come out. It’s part of good sex.

        • http://www.blackfemmefatale.wordpress.com Jolie Fatale

          I’ve never actually seen “queef” written out. Its funnier and funnier everytime I read it..

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “I’ve never actually seen “queef” written out. Its funnier and funnier everytime I read it..”

            queef is the gift that keeps on giving

      • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

        lol, sorry to disappoint, but it’s not a play on dracula. You were never on the short bus :)

        And actually, I was talking about the thunder ;)

        • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

          good to know…well then spell it out phonetically for a sister…cuz in my head I thinking.. kuh-mack-yoo-lah

      • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

        butt THUNDER, hot damn. Well as long as there is no lightening, you are good right? I mean, we DEF’ don’t want no showers….*shudders*

  • http://www.myspace.com/datfya BigBuck

    I think it all depends on the situation. Sometimes it’s cool, sometimes it isn’t. Accident….ok, full on blast and laugh…….not. Farting for amusement is a very manly thing, example, at the club me and a couple other bouncers have a little game we play. We walk up to each other and simply say “You don’t smell nothing?” which lets the other one know we have just farted and they should move before someone blames them. Or we purposely lay a cloud of funk and then move and watch people walk into it. If women started this behavior it would be very disturbing. Not that it’s not disturbing for us to do it but you get the point. Bottom line is I don’t want to smell hers but I will make her smell mine with pride! It’s a double standard I am happy to uphold……because i’m nasty.

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      The code lingo is always a plus. There have been times when I’ve approached someone after letting one go and I kindly changed their direction on some, “hey, let’s walk this way…you don’t wanna go THAT way.” lol.

      • miss t-lee

        I did that to my homegirl one time. She didn’t follow my instructions and she was pizzed…lol

        • ForReal

          She just wasn’t picking up what you were putting down. :-)

          • miss t-lee

            Haha!!! Yes ma’am. :)

    • http://www.myspace.com/allaboutcharacter Monnie

      “Or we purposely lay a cloud of funk and then move and watch people walk into it. ”

      …So… Not… Right.

      LOL!

    • Raqi

      “Farting for amusement is a very manly thing”

      That’s one of those double standards that just is. And one along with many others that I don’t care to compete for.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      this is a close cousin of the “silent fart in packed elevator” game, which my dad and i still play to this day.

      my dad is 61, btw

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      I think after it occurs during sex, it’s pretty much fair game anytime else.

      @Buck…that is just mean…man gas is a beast…that is a game I don’t want to play…EVER…lol…that double standard can remain in tact! fo’true!

      • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

        my bad the “copy and paste” acted up…lol… it was supposed to have this exerpt…

        “we purposely lay a cloud of funk and then move and watch people walk into it.”

  • http://www.myspace.com/womannaofgod utc115

    I have always been told that it was unladylike to fart or burp. But I can control my burping. Farting is something else. I wouldnt dare cock my leg up. Holding it in isnt an option. Acid reflux is REAL. I have had it and if u would rather hold it in to impress a man and have a trapped gas that feels like u are having a heart attack……..do u. I would rather get up and walk outside. But men are we supposed to sit and endure your funk or will u dismiss yourselves…

    i do have a funny story. I was on the phone with this guy I was dating but I had on my earpiece and you know that a earpiece can pick up a pen dropping on carpet. But we are talking and I let one rip (long) and he is like did u just fart. I was like No that must have been the T.V. WThay…….u heard that. I laughed silently.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      acid reflux makes you fart? for me, it just gives me really bad heartburn.

      ***btw, this comment is todays first nominee for the daily “comment that probably should have been a private text message” award***

      • ForReal

        LOL!

      • http://www.myspace.com/womannaofgod utc115

        and i would accept the award. I thought we were here to keep it real so I will refrain and keep comments to myself. WOW thanks

  • soulfirelp

    @ utc115
    you have me rolling over here…lol

    I have to agree, I too was taught that ladylike behavior doesn’t include releasing toxic waste out loud. Ditto…raising up her leg to release is way too far. I mean really! Be classy and hold it in until you can make a break for the nearest restroom or open air space. Then let go and be free.

    I also don’t think that men should go blurt their toxicness out either. My last BF did that once while we we’re sleeping. I leaned over to cuddle and got a stankbomb. OMG!! It was the most horrible smelling cloud of funk!!! I made him get up immediately and spray, open windows, prepare to evacuate, etc. I’m saying guys, show the same respect that you want from a lady.

    • http://www.myspace.com/womannaofgod utc115

      evacuate……………………thats bad.

    • Raqi

      “Be classy…”

      The worst however most humorous times were when we would be at a hotel and I would go into the bathroom and turn on the water in the sink and shower while flushing the toilet at the same time if I felt I had one with a voice coming.

      Sometimes he would call me out on it. But I always denied.

      • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

        ahhh the courtesy flush…what about when it’s more than a fart? when you gotta “chunk the deauce” as it were?

        I have always had two bathrooms in my domiciles…one is for #1 and one is for #2…back when I had weekend cum-pany I just made the designation clear and we were golden…lol…

        • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

          How you gonna house break the company lol

          • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

            just like I do…well…did…and they did as instructed in an effort to remain cum-pany…that weren’t no typo…lol

            • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

              bwaaahahahaa that’s some serious hahhaha tooo funny though

    • http://www.myspace.com/satindolldiva SatinDoll

      Too funny

  • http://myspace.com/ezra504 Uninspired Muse

    @ utc115
    That was the funniest thing Ive read on this page!

    And I have to agree, throwing a leg up and letting go something that scares the dog isn’t kosher. Take it elsewhere with an open space and circulating air.

    Burping is kinda different. I wouldn’t let let a big one out in a fancy restaurant but in a extremely casual situation like “Thirsty Thursdays” at the ballpark out here with 1$ beers on tap, expect a burp from me, but you know a cute one.

    …with an “excuse me” because I’m a friggin’ lady here! :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “…expect a burp from me, but you know a cute one.”

      what exactly is a cute burp?

      • Cheryl

        I guess one that doesn’t make her epiglottis do the harlem shake.

        • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

          Cheryl, thank you for bringing the word “epiglottis” into my vocab. I owe you. lol

      • http://myspace.com/ezra504 Uninspired Muse

        One you wont hear across the ballpark.

        I could never compete in purping contests :)

  • aja

    Ok check the scenerio…

    Ladies, you have just finished a fabulous meal at your local mexican resturant and ur now at your boyfriends place..chilling on the couch watching TV. About 15 mins into the show you get the bubble guts and realize that a refried/black
    black bean burrito was a bad idea.

    Do you..
    A. Excuse yourself to the bathroom, pray he has air freshener and toilet paper in there..
    B. Say screw it…time he saw the “real me”
    C. Say..”Dang i gotta get up early” and bounce out to ur crib n let it rip in the car on the way home.

    I would go with C.. cuz i just dont feel comfortable doin the “do” in front of a guy..i dont care who he is.. And holding it in just causes undue pain and anguish later..lol

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      Aja, you wouldn’t do the do in front of a man you’ve been in a long term relationship with? I can probably understand if you’ve just started dating, but dang, when is it ok? Marriage?

      • Raqi

        I am marriage and I still lock the door and burn a match or something. Even when I am home alone.

        • ForReal

          Forget air freshener, matches are the truth! No bathroom should be without them.

          • miss t-lee

            I never understood this…to me it just smells like burned ish…
            Call me crazy… lol

          • The Queen

            Matches do not cover up funk. I’m not sure why people ever thought they did. You walk into the person’s house/bathroom and smell matches…you know and still smell that they just took a dump.

            • LadyRed

              @Queen – NOT TRUE. The sulfur in the matches cancels out the scent of sh*t. lol

              Google It

              • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

                but then it smells like sulfur, which stinks on its own

      • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

        @monk…when I was married…there was always more than one bathroom…there is always incense and lighters in my bathrooms…and I expect everyone to use them…

        I don’t want to smell my own ish, why should you?…(I eat alot of veggies…LOL)

      • aja

        i wouldnt even if i was married to him…im funny like that..ill hold it til i go to the bathroom and let it rip..lol

        And the best way to get rid of poo poo funk is right after it plops u flush..the suction will suck up some of the smell..lol i know its gross but it works.. so get ta flushin!! lol

    • miss t-lee

      A. Excuse yourself to the bathroom, pray he has air freshener and toilet paper in there..

      I’ve done it before…lol

    • Raqi

      That’s why when dating I would watch what I eat.

      • LadyRed

        I’d say (A.) of course! Why suffer all the way home when their is a toilet near by??? That makes no sense.

    • JBoogie

      Depending on how long we’ve known each other…I’m gonna go with C, unless it’s an absolute emergency.

    • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

      Yo Roy Wood Jr. had a guest one time @ his house and he wrote a blog about it. LSS he exated his revenge @ her hous on Thanks giving w/ family present. I guess it didn’t help her case that they were just friends.

    • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

      Option D: make sure the conversation lasts long enough to use the bathroom at the restaraunt. Always carry some perfum or spray on yourself to clear the air afterward.

      I never understood people that couldnt N0 2. in a public place. I’m pretty regular 3-4 times a day and sometimes when nature calls I am not at home. (maybe that shouldve been a private IM I send to the Champ, but he aint on right now so oh well)

      • corto

        YOU BOO-BOO FOUR TIMES A DAY????

        • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

          at least 3

          my doctor said its normal. I have always been like that.

          Done hate me cause I have a healthy colon

          • corto

            Are you vegan? You did see what they wrote about teh vegan poo, no?

            • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

              nope not vegan and yes I did see what they wrote.

        • miss t-lee

          She’s not alone…I go at least 2 or 3 times…
          It’s very normal.
          I’m far from a vegan…btw.

          • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com MsSula

            I am joining in the TMI and yes I do the do at least 3 times a day…

            And no, I’m not vegan… I just shop at the Farmer’s Market…

      • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

        WOWWW!! 4 times a day?? i heard it was healthy but wow. I need to get on my game then lol

  • http://www.myspace.com/moonchyldblu Vitamin Be

    I burp. (followed by an excuse me)That’s just me… now passing gas is a completely different thing. I just leave the room… no need for my man to know what my insides smell like.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I just leave the room… no need for my man to know what my insides smell like.”

      wasn’t “i wonder what them insides smell like” one of the more regular vids on bet uncut?

      • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

        nah…it was by a group called “Black Jesus” of all things and it was called “tell me what that thang smell like” or something….I remember because I was TOO THROUGH… I thought of the same song (if you can calll it that) when I read her comment too…CHAMP…get out of my head!

        • miss t-lee

          I actually remember that.
          Too sad.
          ::shaking my head::

        • No More Heroes

          “Im tryna kick it toniiiiiiiiiiiitttee….
          so baby tell me what that THHHHAAAAAANNGGG smell liiiikke….”

          That and “I aint got no panties on, on the dance floor” were the best on uncut.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            ““Im tryna kick it toniiiiiiiiiiiitttee….
            so baby tell me what that THHHHAAAAAANNGGG smell liiiikke….””

            can you imagine someone in the studio trying to record that hook, but having to stop every 15 seconds because he was laughing hysterically?

            • miss t-lee

              I’m suprised that record got made…

            • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

              Or even worse… can you imagine someone recording it in the studio and actually VIBING to it, talm bout “This song is HOTTT!” *

      • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

        Unfortunately, BET UnCut was my background noise when going to sleep my entire freshman year in college. I know ALL them songs. *Hangs head in shame*