Theory & Essay

Roses.

Over the course of every relationship, there are a bunch of different levels you reach. There’s the first kiss, the first time you see each other naked, the first time you meet the parents, etc. Relationships are one big ass video game where you keep trying to beat levels to get the ultimate prize.

I’m not actually sure what the ultimate prize is but we’re all socialized to believe that there is one after you get married so let’s just assume that actually happens. Mmkay?

Mmkay.

Now most of those levels are attained together and even without a verbal confirmation, both parties generally understand that you’ve just beat the last villain and have moved up a difficulty.

However, there is one level that isn’t achieved together in a traditional sense. It’s one that calls into question exactly how two individuals might view one another.

It’s all about that real (hip-hop).

Follow me now.

Say the two of you (man and woman) are sitting on the couch watching television. You’re playing those funny little cutesy games where you pretend you’re wrestling for wrestling sake but its really all just foreplay. You both are drinking beers and eating chips and watching Ocean’s 13 when she looks right into your eyes, then looks at the television, lifts her left leg and poots like its nobody’s business. In fact, forget the euphemistic term “poot”…she straight up farts. Loudy. Manly.

And it ain’t a silent-but-deadly here. Nope. This one packs a punch.

People, the dog leaves the room.

As a human, we all understand that men and women both get a little gassy and have to release the hounds on occasion. But honestly, some men just aren’t ready to handle it. And similarly, some women are never ready to let a man know they actually renegade the twalet.

Most women want men to think that they sh*t flowers and poot daffodils and have cutesy, tiny burps. And most men are happy with women letting them think this. There are those women who come at you off top with this whole, “I’m a real person” mantra who will burp in front of you and pass BP and stuff. Thing is, I know some guys who “appreciate” that…to a certain point. At the point where you’re having impromptu undesired competitive burping contests, it might start to get a little annoying.

This is that interesting level where things get sticky. Men, we like to think of our women’s icky bathroom activities kind of like graffiti-esque stretchmarks and Monica Lewinsky’s dirty dress – we know it exists, but we’d just prefer to never see it and pretend it didn’t. At the point where you introduce the funk to the P, I have to determine just how comfortable I am with my “lady” being less “ladylike”. For me, it’s not that big a deal, but then again, I’ve never actually dated a chick who’d try to pull a Dutch Oven on me. And really, I’m not sure how I’d handle it. But I do know some dudes who would let a chick go who was too free with herself and her not-solid-not-liquid emissions.

I did date one chick who let one rip so effervescently that I still remember it to this day. And she was sleep and it kcuffed up my WHOLE day. I just wasn’t ready. We got over it…mostly because it woke her up out of her sleep and she had to leave the room too. She was embarrassed and I couldn’t stop talking about it. Just a bad combination.

But still, I remember it to this day.

So anyway, good people of VSB.com, at what point do you women feel its okay to just be free like Deniece Williams? To my brohams, do you prefer a woman who seems too dainty and sh*t to let it rip? Or do you want “such a f*cking lady?” who’s motto is “better out than in!”

Inquiring minds would like to know.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • http://www.seventeencents.blogspot.com QB

    i think it is equally unattractive for men to fart/belch/what have you as it is for women

    i dont think there is a specific time in a relationship where it becomes “acceptable” to just let one rip in the middle of the living room. if you can lift your leg to let it out you can walk to the other room.

    • Raqi

      For some weird reason it’s like a man’s right to do so.

    • Raqi

      For some weird reason it’s like a man’s right to do so.

  • http://www.seventeencents.blogspot.com QB

    i think it is equally unattractive for men to fart/belch/what have you as it is for women

    i dont think there is a specific time in a relationship where it becomes “acceptable” to just let one rip in the middle of the living room. if you can lift your leg to let it out you can walk to the other room.

  • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

    See, that’s the thing. I have to have that “homie lover friend” type vibe with you before you release the hounds out the gate. I can’t be going gaga over your babydollness and you drop that bass on me. It kinda fucks up the sweet, innocent, sexy thoughts…cause the smell is on that …you have to let it linger. do you have to, do you have to? no matter, it does.

    Now, one lady I was dating would faht, as I call it, whenever she laughed hard. THEN she would laugh harder. I swear, those times were cute and fun…another chick I dated would fart and keep walking like it didn’t happen…as the paint ran down the wall bedhind her. I say, poots are good until I see the bits, once I see the bits, you can start farting…WE can start farting. At least then we know if it’s worth braving the green fog to get a kiss, or just float…float on.

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      “Now, one lady I was dating would faht, as I call it, whenever she laughed hard. THEN she would laugh harder. I swear, those times were cute and fun…”

      This is totally acceptable. It’s an uncontrollable, natural reaction at this point and it can add to the humor if you’re already laughing hysterically.

      *wait for bias comment with disclaimer*

      I Do This…time to time. But then again, I’m a man.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        ““Now, one lady I was dating would faht, as I call it, whenever she laughed hard. THEN she would laugh harder. I swear, those times were cute and fun…””

        you had me at “faht”

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        ““Now, one lady I was dating would faht, as I call it, whenever she laughed hard. THEN she would laugh harder. I swear, those times were cute and fun…””

        you had me at “faht”

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      “Now, one lady I was dating would faht, as I call it, whenever she laughed hard. THEN she would laugh harder. I swear, those times were cute and fun…”

      This is totally acceptable. It’s an uncontrollable, natural reaction at this point and it can add to the humor if you’re already laughing hysterically.

      *wait for bias comment with disclaimer*

      I Do This…time to time. But then again, I’m a man.

    • Raqi

      That’s why I always tried to avoid being tickled. It tends to push the button. TMI

      • Genius Khan

        tickle tickle Raq the fart monster…

      • Genius Khan

        tickle tickle Raq the fart monster…

    • Raqi

      That’s why I always tried to avoid being tickled. It tends to push the button. TMI

    • miss t-lee

      “release the hounds out the gate”

      Never heard this term before, but it’s hilarious! :)

    • miss t-lee

      “release the hounds out the gate”

      Never heard this term before, but it’s hilarious! :)

    • ForReal

      ThicFlair, love the Cranberries and The Floaters references :-)

      • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

        ForReal? ahem, THANK’ YA kindly.

      • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

        ForReal? ahem, THANK’ YA kindly.

    • ForReal

      ThicFlair, love the Cranberries and The Floaters references :-)

    • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

      love the name
      woooooooooooooo!

      • miss t-lee

        To be the man, you gotta beat the man!!!
        Woooooo!!!

        • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

          Stylin and Profilin
          Woooooooooo!

          • Conscience

            LOL. Yall Killin me with the Ric Flair comments.

            “Wooooooo To be the man you gotta to beat THE MAN Woooooooo!”

            • miss t-lee

              “Whether you like it or not, learn to love it, because its the best thing going. Wooooo!”

              • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

                you flair fans are warming my heart. I’m going back to space mountain.

              • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

                you flair fans are warming my heart. I’m going back to space mountain.

              • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

                by the way, I meant RIC not THIC…

              • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

                by the way, I meant RIC not THIC…

            • miss t-lee

              “Whether you like it or not, learn to love it, because its the best thing going. Wooooo!”

          • Conscience

            LOL. Yall Killin me with the Ric Flair comments.

            “Wooooooo To be the man you gotta to beat THE MAN Woooooooo!”

        • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

          Stylin and Profilin
          Woooooooooo!

      • miss t-lee

        To be the man, you gotta beat the man!!!
        Woooooo!!!

    • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

      love the name
      woooooooooooooo!

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      I can’t be going gaga over your babydollness and you drop that bass on me. It kinda fucks up the sweet, innocent, sexy thoughts…

      ahhhhhhhhhh…not drop the BASS!!! too through…

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      I can’t be going gaga over your babydollness and you drop that bass on me. It kinda fucks up the sweet, innocent, sexy thoughts…

      ahhhhhhhhhh…not drop the BASS!!! too through…

  • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

    See, that’s the thing. I have to have that “homie lover friend” type vibe with you before you release the hounds out the gate. I can’t be going gaga over your babydollness and you drop that bass on me. It kinda fucks up the sweet, innocent, sexy thoughts…cause the smell is on that …you have to let it linger. do you have to, do you have to? no matter, it does.

    Now, one lady I was dating would faht, as I call it, whenever she laughed hard. THEN she would laugh harder. I swear, those times were cute and fun…another chick I dated would fart and keep walking like it didn’t happen…as the paint ran down the wall bedhind her. I say, poots are good until I see the bits, once I see the bits, you can start farting…WE can start farting. At least then we know if it’s worth braving the green fog to get a kiss, or just float…float on.

  • http://www.singleblackmale.net Single Black Male

    Damn … the dog left the room though ?!?!

    I say she should be comfortable, but it needs to be silent and deadly. I don’t need you letting your insides rot because of some mental image you want to keep “unblemished” in my head, but if you make no attempt to hide the noise and actually cock up your leg … well … you might get pushed off the couch.

  • http://www.singleblackmale.net Single Black Male

    Damn … the dog left the room though ?!?!

    I say she should be comfortable, but it needs to be silent and deadly. I don’t need you letting your insides rot because of some mental image you want to keep “unblemished” in my head, but if you make no attempt to hide the noise and actually cock up your leg … well … you might get pushed off the couch.

  • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

    I think after it occurs during sex, it’s pretty much fair game anytime else.

    That and when she does it forgetting you’re there and you finish laughing, not at the fart, but at how embarrassed she’s acting because you realized that it was no real big deal after all.

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      “I think after it occurs during sex, it’s pretty much fair game anytime else.”

      Exactly what female body part are you referring to? Just asking…

      • Raqi

        A queef. ooooh.

        • shay

          i tend to laugh at that point and just keep going.. but for some reasons those dont come out until its getting really good…

          • miss t-lee

            This is true.

          • miss t-lee

            This is true.

          • JBoogie

            True dat…

          • JBoogie

            True dat…

        • shay

          i tend to laugh at that point and just keep going.. but for some reasons those dont come out until its getting really good…

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “A queef. ooooh.”

          first t-shirt quote of the day

          • Raqi

            AH!!!! I finally got a t-shirt. (sniff)

          • Raqi

            AH!!!! I finally got a t-shirt. (sniff)

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “A queef. ooooh.”

          first t-shirt quote of the day

        • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

          “Queef” always makes me giggle.

        • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

          “Queef” always makes me giggle.

      • Raqi

        A queef. ooooh.

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      “I think after it occurs during sex, it’s pretty much fair game anytime else.”

      Exactly what female body part are you referring to? Just asking…

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      I think after it occurs during sex, it’s pretty much fair game anytime else.

      @kamakula…

      first off I am JUST realizing that your name is a play on dracula…I feel so “short bus” for that…lol…

      secondly…queefing and butt thunder arr two completley different things…no?

      • The Queen

        “secondly…queefing and butt thunder arr two completley different things…no?”

        LMAO Butt thunder is only okay if you are sick, really sick.

        Queefing…totally okay. What goes in must come out. It’s part of good sex.

        • http://www.blackfemmefatale.wordpress.com Jolie Fatale

          I’ve never actually seen “queef” written out. Its funnier and funnier everytime I read it..

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “I’ve never actually seen “queef” written out. Its funnier and funnier everytime I read it..”

            queef is the gift that keeps on giving

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “I’ve never actually seen “queef” written out. Its funnier and funnier everytime I read it..”

            queef is the gift that keeps on giving

        • http://www.blackfemmefatale.wordpress.com Jolie Fatale

          I’ve never actually seen “queef” written out. Its funnier and funnier everytime I read it..

      • The Queen

        “secondly…queefing and butt thunder arr two completley different things…no?”

        LMAO Butt thunder is only okay if you are sick, really sick.

        Queefing…totally okay. What goes in must come out. It’s part of good sex.

      • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

        lol, sorry to disappoint, but it’s not a play on dracula. You were never on the short bus :)

        And actually, I was talking about the thunder ;)

        • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

          good to know…well then spell it out phonetically for a sister…cuz in my head I thinking.. kuh-mack-yoo-lah

        • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

          good to know…well then spell it out phonetically for a sister…cuz in my head I thinking.. kuh-mack-yoo-lah

      • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

        lol, sorry to disappoint, but it’s not a play on dracula. You were never on the short bus :)

        And actually, I was talking about the thunder ;)

      • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

        butt THUNDER, hot damn. Well as long as there is no lightening, you are good right? I mean, we DEF’ don’t want no showers….*shudders*

      • http://WWW.THICFLAIR.BLOGSPOT.COM THIC FLAIR

        butt THUNDER, hot damn. Well as long as there is no lightening, you are good right? I mean, we DEF’ don’t want no showers….*shudders*

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      I think after it occurs during sex, it’s pretty much fair game anytime else.

      @kamakula…

      first off I am JUST realizing that your name is a play on dracula…I feel so “short bus” for that…lol…

      secondly…queefing and butt thunder arr two completley different things…no?

  • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

    I think after it occurs during sex, it’s pretty much fair game anytime else.

    That and when she does it forgetting you’re there and you finish laughing, not at the fart, but at how embarrassed she’s acting because you realized that it was no real big deal after all.

  • http://www.myspace.com/datfya BigBuck

    I think it all depends on the situation. Sometimes it’s cool, sometimes it isn’t. Accident….ok, full on blast and laugh…….not. Farting for amusement is a very manly thing, example, at the club me and a couple other bouncers have a little game we play. We walk up to each other and simply say “You don’t smell nothing?” which lets the other one know we have just farted and they should move before someone blames them. Or we purposely lay a cloud of funk and then move and watch people walk into it. If women started this behavior it would be very disturbing. Not that it’s not disturbing for us to do it but you get the point. Bottom line is I don’t want to smell hers but I will make her smell mine with pride! It’s a double standard I am happy to uphold……because i’m nasty.

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      The code lingo is always a plus. There have been times when I’ve approached someone after letting one go and I kindly changed their direction on some, “hey, let’s walk this way…you don’t wanna go THAT way.” lol.

      • miss t-lee

        I did that to my homegirl one time. She didn’t follow my instructions and she was pizzed…lol

        • ForReal

          She just wasn’t picking up what you were putting down. :-)

          • miss t-lee

            Haha!!! Yes ma’am. :)

          • miss t-lee

            Haha!!! Yes ma’am. :)

        • ForReal

          She just wasn’t picking up what you were putting down. :-)

      • miss t-lee

        I did that to my homegirl one time. She didn’t follow my instructions and she was pizzed…lol

    • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

      The code lingo is always a plus. There have been times when I’ve approached someone after letting one go and I kindly changed their direction on some, “hey, let’s walk this way…you don’t wanna go THAT way.” lol.

    • http://www.myspace.com/allaboutcharacter Monnie

      “Or we purposely lay a cloud of funk and then move and watch people walk into it. ”

      …So… Not… Right.

      LOL!

    • http://www.myspace.com/allaboutcharacter Monnie

      “Or we purposely lay a cloud of funk and then move and watch people walk into it. ”

      …So… Not… Right.

      LOL!

    • Raqi

      “Farting for amusement is a very manly thing”

      That’s one of those double standards that just is. And one along with many others that I don’t care to compete for.

    • Raqi

      “Farting for amusement is a very manly thing”

      That’s one of those double standards that just is. And one along with many others that I don’t care to compete for.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      this is a close cousin of the “silent fart in packed elevator” game, which my dad and i still play to this day.

      my dad is 61, btw

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      this is a close cousin of the “silent fart in packed elevator” game, which my dad and i still play to this day.

      my dad is 61, btw

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      I think after it occurs during sex, it’s pretty much fair game anytime else.

      @Buck…that is just mean…man gas is a beast…that is a game I don’t want to play…EVER…lol…that double standard can remain in tact! fo’true!

      • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

        my bad the “copy and paste” acted up…lol… it was supposed to have this exerpt…

        “we purposely lay a cloud of funk and then move and watch people walk into it.”

      • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

        my bad the “copy and paste” acted up…lol… it was supposed to have this exerpt…

        “we purposely lay a cloud of funk and then move and watch people walk into it.”

    • http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      I think after it occurs during sex, it’s pretty much fair game anytime else.

      @Buck…that is just mean…man gas is a beast…that is a game I don’t want to play…EVER…lol…that double standard can remain in tact! fo’true!

  • http://www.myspace.com/datfya BigBuck

    I think it all depends on the situation. Sometimes it’s cool, sometimes it isn’t. Accident….ok, full on blast and laugh…….not. Farting for amusement is a very manly thing, example, at the club me and a couple other bouncers have a little game we play. We walk up to each other and simply say “You don’t smell nothing?” which lets the other one know we have just farted and they should move before someone blames them. Or we purposely lay a cloud of funk and then move and watch people walk into it. If women started this behavior it would be very disturbing. Not that it’s not disturbing for us to do it but you get the point. Bottom line is I don’t want to smell hers but I will make her smell mine with pride! It’s a double standard I am happy to uphold……because i’m nasty.

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