Roger Goodell Is A Turducken Of Shitty » VSB


Roger Goodell Is A Turducken Of Shitty

In one of the emails in Deadspin’s Funbag this week, someone brought up a wacky teacher who’d give students 95s on multiple choice tests if they got every answer wrong. Get one or two right, though, and you’d get your real grade. Obviously, the implied rationale is that if you’re able to intentionally get every answer wrong, you have a mastery of the material, and deserve a good grade.

Roger Goodell will make more money doing his job this year than you will make in your entire lifetime. (And by “you” I mean “everyone reading this, myself included.”) He is also worse at his job. I say this with complete certainty, despite the fact that I have absolutely no idea how well any of you perform your jobs. Because if you were as bad at your job as Roger Goodell is at his job, you would not have a job. Your place of business would not be able to afford to keep an employee who wrote “Still, tho” on all the annual reports. Or fried the fried chicken with cat urine instead of Crisco.

Which makes me believe his bosses — the NFL owners — are that wacky teacher. And all of Goodell’s progressively and impressively shitty statements and decisions — on Tom Brady, on domestic violence, on concussions, on Ray Rice, on Adrian Peterson, on literally anything else he’s done in the last three years — are proof to them that he actually knows what he’s doing. Because it’s so statistically improbable to get everything wrong that it must be intentional. A long con. Maybe, they believe, he’s Danny Ocean allowing himself to get made and caught on the casino floor while his crew takes the vault. And, maybe, they’re right.

Despite the league and its commissioner having worse p.r. than Jared Fogle, they continue to print money at record rates. Which probably isn’t Goodell’s doing. A nutless monkey with mouth gout could probably run the NFL at this point. But, they’re not 100% certain that it’s not his doing, so he keeps his job, and keeps discovering and inventing new layers of shitty.

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at Or don't. Whatever.

  • Twitter is having a riot over this major L Goodell just got.

    The judge even offered him a deal to reduce the suspension and save face, but he went ahead and acted like the white folks of Yonkers in Show Me a Hero.

  • miss t-lee

    Don’t sully the good name of turducken by mentioning Goodell…lol

    • st george doesnt exist

      thank you.. especially with its done right

  • Like a gracious winner I will say this in defense of Roger, during the lockout the players were thirsty and was basically like yeah yeah whatever you need Roger just turn the lights back on. They figured hey sure we render some of our players helpless, but in the moment they wasn’t thinking about Tom Brady they was thinking about the Tank Johnsons. They gave Roger this absolute and basically illegal power with the knowledge that if and when he used it it would only hurt the troublesome black athlete.

    While I do think Roger needs to go home, I can’t help but roll my eyes at the NFLPA because they turned on their players, and sacrificed the needs of the few for the needs of the many. They’re lucky it was Tom Brady, because if it was the Jacksonville Jaguars this L would not be noticed and Roger would keep on cooking

  • Talk about power going to one’s head!

  • YeaSoh

    Oh ya’ll taking bout football… *exits to Idris post*

  • Pinks

    I literally get disgusted every time I see his pink face.

  • Brass Tacks

    I hav to agree with what Tristan said downstream. The NFLPA gave up their rights, because they wanted to get back to making money and ignored the potential ramifications of giving Goodell all that power.

    Sure, he’s a Jerk. But, I would argue he’s just doing what he feels best with the powers that were afforded to him by the owners and players.

    • I’m not so sure about that.

      Back in the day when Stern passed the Dress Code or the anti-Iverson rule, you could tell he was straight up trying to reconstruct the image of the league, especially after the brawl at Auburn Hills. I didn’t like it, but the long term effects are pretty obvious, and the fact that bum players are now set to make 15 million a year due to favorable TV contracts shows he had the right plan.

      The “deflategate” thing was a complete mess, and Goodell should have squashed it when they realized the best they could do was say “Brady more likely than not knew about it”, also it should have been squashed. When it’s all said and done football is king, and all Goodell needs to do is not rock the ship, but he keeps fumbling…and God only knows how he’s going to lead the reaction to that “Concussion movie” that’s coming out in a couple months.

      • Brass Tacks

        I personally hold The Stern Code responsible for ruining Allen Iverson. So he gets no love from me on that one. But, I would be lying if I said the league wasn’t better overall, for having established it.

        I never cared one way or the other concerning Brady. I think Goodell wanted to make an example out of someone of Brady’s stature. Kills those rumors alleging him to be be harsher in his sentencing of (black) a particular group of players.

        • I’m a huge A.I. fan, I was pi$$ed at it. He had bad timing, because there’s players in the league today who have egregious sets of tattoos littered all over them, and it barely registers in people’s minds.

          But yeah, business is business man. Players are getting paid, even though they didn’t get as good a CBA deal as they could. I honestly think they have the second best contract in sports after the MLB. NFL players have the worst.


    Gooddell is a heavyhanded oaf whose too big for his britches. The star players should be the face of the league. Not its head suit.

    With that said- everything the Patriots have accomplished is tainted in my eyes. Yes, they’re a well oiled machine. But they always have to do something underhanded to secure their victories like a WWF heel.

    • brothaskeeper

      This analogy. They’re the Triple H of the NFL, with a sledge hammer under the ring skirt or some clandestinely placed brass knuckles in the turnbuckle pad. I’m not hating completely, though, because they still have to play the game….and nobody forced Russell Wilson (my Simp shirpa) to pass on 3rd and goal….jussayin….

      • tblack301

        You’re right nobody forced him.


        Everyone on earth would have run the ball there.EVERYONE. Seattle seemingly didn’t want to run a play from the 2 and ended up calling time out when they needed to score AND run time off the clock.
        Everyone including Marshawn is expecting run…except the Patriots.

        Trust it. There is NOTHING they would not do to win. Nothing. They have tainted years of NFL ball for sure including last night against the Steelers.

  • st george doesnt exist

    First f uck brady and robert kraft former booty buddy of Roger bish a ss.

    second, do anyone believe if this was anybody but brady, that the judge would have done the right thing?
    third, f uck roger again
    fourth, f uck daniel synder and Jay gruden,, they are some fuckbois period.
    and lastly F uck roger again.

    From a saints fan.

  • mzpw2015

    The title of this article along deserves an award! I’ll be back to actually read it later, but still…

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