Road Tripping To SXSW: Part One

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The Champ, as he contemplates every decision he'd made in the previous 72 hours

The Champ outside of the Austin Convention Center, as he rued every decision he’d made in the previous 72 hours

4:30PM Thursday: As I sat in my car, ready to begin my journey to the film/interactive portion of SXSW in Austin, Texas, I was reminded of the fact that while I have many great qualities—I can eat an entire pound of bacon and watch three episodes of Luther right afterwards, I can pee in the shower without splashing any on whoever might be in there with me, and, while I haven’t tried to do this in some time, I’m pretty sure I can dunk a tennis ball—one quality I do not possess is the ability to not procrastinate, even when I know said procrastination will cost me money.

I first learned I would be a panelist at SXSW a few months ago, and could have very easily purchased a plane ticket to Austin while the rates were still reasonable. (I don’t remember exactly how much it was, but I know it was in the ballpark of $350-$400) Naturally, I didn’t purchase them then, and as the weeks passed, the rates continued to climb. When I checked back a couple months later, they’d nearly tripled.

After seeing this, I began to talk myself into driving.

“I always wanted to make a long road trip. I’d save money, get to drive through a bunch of states I’ve never even been to before, and if the Gay Reindeer came with me, it would be fun! Plus, what’s the point of buying a Charger if you’re only going to drive it to LA Fitness?”

 

After a couple days of this, it sounded better and better. So what if Pittsburgh to Austin is a 1,400 mile, 20 hour long trip? So what if between the pre-road trip checkup I got on my car, the gas, and the food we purchased while driving, I’d really only end up saving a couple hundred dollars? And, while I enjoy the Gay Reindeer’s company, so what if 50 hours of car time together in an 100 hour span could potentially turn us into Iago and Othello? I was convinced this was a great decision.

5:30PM: After sitting in Pittsburgh rush hour traffic for an hour, and realizing we still had at least 20 hours of driving to go, I began to regret my decision. Luckily, the Gay Reindeer purchased a bunch of snacks and drinks before leaving, and I began to drown my regret in a cascade of granola bars and Naked juice.

11:00-ishPM: I take the wheel from the Gay Reindeer as we make it Kentucky and do our first scheduled driver switch. Highlights so far:

***A theme throughout the trip would be my surprise whenever we’d stop at a gas station or drive thru and see Black people. Basically, I was the stereotypical northerner who’d never been south and assumed that everywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line could pass for a deleted scene from Mississippi Burning. But, not only are there Black people everywhere, the White people we encountered on the trip were exponentially friendlier than the White people I’m used to. Like, suspiciously “They’re not really cannibals, are they?” friendlier.

***I talk occasional shit about Cincinnati—I’m a Pittsburgher, so I’m contractually obligated to do so—but I have to say that it’s a very pretty city at night.

***Being from PA, a state where most highways have 55mph speed limits, the 65s and 70s we’re seeing as we head farther south is taking some getting used to. It almost feels like a ploy to punk out of towners into speeding tickets.

2:00AM Friday: I felt myself getting a little groggy while somewhere in the middle of Tennessee, so I turned up the music and started violently and excitedly singing along in my seat. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work very well when listening to Forrest Gump, so I needed to find something more appropriate.

2:03AM: “Deez niggas won’t hold me back!!! Deez niggas won’t hold me back!!! Deez niggas won’t hold me back!!! Deez niggas won’t hold me back!!!”

2:05AM: This outburst wakes up the Gay Reindeer, who starts freestyling as soon as she opens her eyes.

“Wack niggas wanna wake me up!!! Wack niggas wanna wake me up!!! Wack niggas wanna wake me up!!! Wack niggas wanna wake me up!!!”

I guess this would be a good time to explain how the Gay Reindeer got her name. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m prone to spontaneous bouts of ridiculously off-beat and off-color freestyle rapping. During one of these sessions a couple months ago, I encouraged the Gay Reindeer to try. She’d never done it before. But, as I explained, I’ve been doing it for a decade and even though I still sound like I’ve never done it before, I feel like I’m getting better. And, feeling like you’re getting better is all that matters. Just ask Dwight Howard.

She agreed. And, surprisingly, she was able to stay on beat and even rhyme a few times in a row. But, she did something with her voice where she tried to change the pitch, but it ended up sounding something like a bigger, drier, lisp-heavy chipmunk—basically, a Gay Reindeer. From that moment on, the Gay Reindeer has been her “rap name.” (My rap name? Well, it changes every couple of months. But, right now it’s “Monster Shits.”)

8:00AM: We wake up after napping for a couple hours at a rest stop. Before stopping, we’d left Tennessee, crossed the Mississippi river, and made our way into Arkansas, the wackest state ever made.

Why exactly is Arkansas the wackest state ever made?

8:30AM: We see a sign for Arkadelphia, the most prominent example of Arkansas’ wack tendency to hijack another name, put “Ark” in front of it, and pretend like the name wasn’t hijacked from another name. The entire state even did this to Kansas!!!

9:45AM: To say that our car has begun to smell, um, “interesting” would be an understatement. Without getting too graphic, let’s just say that it seems like the Gay Reindeer and I started playing a game called “Fart, Burp, or Both?”

10:30AM: After passing “Arklanta” and “Arktimore,” stopping at an Arkdonald’s, and mentally preparing ourselves for the longest single straight stretch of the trip—a four hour long trek between Arkansas and Texas—a few things began to dawn on me

1. This trip started roughly 15 hours ago and we still have 8 f*cking hours to go.

2. This trip started roughly 15 hours ago and we still have 8 f*cking hours to go.

3. This trip started roughly 15 hours ago and we still have 8 f*cking hours to go.

10:31AM: “F***********************************CK!!!!”

***Go here for Part 2***

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

265 thoughts on “Road Tripping To SXSW: Part One”

  1. Props for having so much patience. I’ve only made one cross-country roadtrip, and I did it as an infant. Shoot, if the drive is more than 3 hours, I’m trying to fly there. I don’t care if it’s one of those planes that’s basically and enclosed hang glider – I am not here for traffic.

    And speaking of Arkansas – why is it that people from there pronounce it Ark-kansas, not Ark-in-saw?

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    • Flying is okay if you’re in a rush. Otherwise it’s just a pain. And, for me it’s the journey that’s the fun part. I love going through cities I’ve never been to. That’s just so exciting to me. I have a serious case of wanderlust.

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      • I’m with Val on this one. I can’t get enough traveling. I’ve driven back and forth across the US several times, using several different routes. It never gets old.

        Most of the time, though, I don’t have someone else in the car. That makes all the difference.

        Also, I’ve done a weekend road trip from Austin to Chicago and back, just for a booty call. I LOVE road trips!

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    • And speaking of Arkansas – why is it that people from there pronounce it Ark-kansas, not Ark-in-saw?

      I’ve lived here for several years and have never heard anyone pronounce it “Ark-kansas.”

      Maybe you’re thinking of how we identify a person who lives or is from here… which would be an “Ar-kan-sen”.

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    • i am with you IAYP… i am known to fly everywhere… including from NYC to upstate NY, from NYC to DC… i hate being in a car for any amount of time i dont care about the music or company i just want to get to my destination!!

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    • After reading all of the comments, I am surprised that it didn’t become a let’s bash Mississippi (besides a few commenters). And besides SC, y’all were pretty tame on the other deep south states. But I will say this anyway, “Leave the south ALONE! Prejudice is everywhere. And just bc you drive through a place….” ok imma stop myself now. (fans self with my big church lady hat) Imma stand by MS just as hard as detroiters stand by Kwame Kilpartrick.

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        • I have some ridiculous conversations with some Detroiters. It is sad to say, but even after being convicted and going to jail, he would probably still be re-elected.

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  3. I’ve been on 2 real cross country trips. :-) West Coast to the East Coast! I did it by rail a few years ago. It was great! We had a sleeper car and had a really great time watching the scenery go by, eating (they actually bring you all of your meals in the sleeper car!) watching dvds and other stuff. ;-) Next I want to travel across Canada by rail.

    And, when I was 19 I took Greyhound from NY to Seattle. I met a bunch of people on the bus. When we got to Chicago we sneaked some liqueur on board and the party was on. Lol. We annoyed the bus driver so much he kicked us out in Montana, I believe it was. Right on the side of the road! In the middle of nowhere.

    Of course he radioed back and told the next bus to stop for us. Which we didn’t know. We had to wait about 90 minutes. We actually started walking. I’m not sure where we thought were going. Anyway, it was fun. But, when the next bus came we calmed are azzez down. Lol.

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  4. I do that length of a trip twice a year from Orlando to Kansas City and back. I don’t know if even I could handle it having to go through Arkansas though. Of course the alternative would probably have you going through Oklahoma and St. Louis on the way back. So just as bad if not worse(no one should be forced to see St. Louis. Let alone St. Louis traffic) On the upside…eh nevermind, God speed and good luck!

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    • He could also drive through northern Louisiana, central Mississippi, over to Birmingham, and then up. Honestly, I’m not sure if that’s any better than driving through Arkansas.

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      • I read your comment but all I see is “We could make him have the most boring drive ever and see if his car blows its engine to put itself out of its misery.” Why would you curse the man like that?

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        • Your reasoning is unassailable. I guess Arkansas is the lesser of two evils. Actually, I think that’s the state motto.

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          • Yes, you would be correct about the state motto. We’re SO much better… than Mississippi.

            But, I do have to say that I’ve made the drive from Little Rock to Omaha several times and the scenery is actually really, really beautiful in the northern part of the state, especially in autumn. The colors of the trees take your breath away.

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  5. Road trip! Heck yeah, let’s DO it! I’m a seasoned pro bruh. :) I actually prefer to travel alone, but there is an advantage to having company.

    The last long trip I took was for the kids spring break a couple of years back. I rented a van & happened to luck up on a town & country with a DVD player with headphones, captains chairs in the rear, & Serius radio. I mapped out 7 to 8 hour drives from Vegas to South Padre Island for our 10 day trip. We KOA hopped & cabin camped through AZ, NM, & TX. I packed up camp at daybreak & made the kids sleep on the road. By the time they were coherent we only had about another 3-4 hours of driving left. We’d get to the next location with enough time left to swim or whatever.

    They complained most of the trip, but they’ve not forgotten it & laugh with good memories.

    My next trip I want to go to Yellowstone… in August… for a month! … when the desert is 120 degrees!

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  6. OH MY GOD! Speaking of road trips, the most fundamental thing is NOT rest, it is……..wait for it!

    There was this one road trip, some years back that I took which involved six people packed into a car like sardines in the dead of the winter. Just picture the Atlantic, a boat, and African immigrants. It was a 15 hour trip with both a designated and relief driver. Oh, and the conversations were very loud, AIRY, and lively. There was just toooooooo much love being spread in the air.

    Halfway across our pilgrimage, during a pit stop that involved Burger King and lots of cigarettes, the drivers decided to swap. *cue the Archangel Michael*!!. The designated driver had to seat with the rest of us in the back, as the person who occupied the passenger seat in the front had a broken leg.

    THIS immediately led to a permanent shift in the universe and a dangerous chemical imbalance which prompted me to call on the God of Elijah and chariots to take me home, like He did His servant! Neither one of us in the back could breath, except for him-the dd. The oxygen had been cut off, like I’m talking gone with the wind fabulous, now twirl, twirl, twirl.

    OH, MY GOD. The dd had THE most STANK, STANKER,STANKEST, STANKIFIED breath in the ENTIRE universe!!!!!! It was a combination of onions, mildew from accumulated cigarette smoke breath over the years-I figured. Being that he was my elder, it would have been rude of me to have been direct, and soo unAfrican to straight tell him his breath was going to put us in the ER, if not six feet under. Instead, I offered him gum and candy. Sadly, he took only ONE skittle, but of course, it did nothing.

    Aiyaiyai. Ya’ll it was such a tragic crisis!! To make matters worse, he EXHALED the most air, with his loud laughter and vibrant story telling. Listen the lesson of this story is this, if you are going on a road trip keep your breath FRESH. Carry Listerine, toothbrush, paste, aFRICAN MINT twigs, you name it. Do watchugorra do to save lives!! :)

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    • This! I took a road trip from Houston to Memphis once and had to stop in Little Rock. I had two tires that needed to be plugged from all the miscellaneous bullshat that permeates the interstate in Arkansas!

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      • When I moved from TN to NV, my dad drove the moving truck while I followed behind him in my car. When we got in Arkansas the road was so bad it looked like the truck was walking/ waddled side to side. The weather didn’t help none either.

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        • The folks at the tire shop was wondering if I had heard that I-20 was rated the worst interstate in America…smh. If I would have heard that would I have driven on it? Needless to say I took I-55 home through Mississippi and La. then 12 and 10 to Texas.

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    • This! I took a road trip from Houston to Memphis once and had to stop in Little Rock. I had two tires that needed to be plugged from all the miscellaneous bullshat that permeates the interstate in Arkansas!

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  8. When I was a kid we always went on driving vacations. Every other year we drove from Philly to Chicago in one stretch. The only good thing about the good old days is that the cars were bigger and you could really stretch out – at least until my brother was born. He was a lot younger, but I remember us fighting in the back seat all the way from Philly to Atlanta. Those trips to Florida were hell. The only thing that kept it mildly entertaining were the billboards for South of the Border. Are they still there?

    I was pretty much put off by long driving vacations because of our awful, yearly vacations. My dad would drive 15 hours in one day to avoid an extra night in a hotel. He could afford it, but was too cheap. That and he refused to plan in advance and make hotel reservations. We all had to sleep in the car in Nova Scotia because the hotels were full. I think that’s why I plan our family vacations down to the minute and book our flights and hotels well in advance.

    Our family driving vacations were only memorable because of how miserable they were. We still talk about those bad vacations and laugh. We rarely talk about the good times because the bad times were so funny.

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          • No way you crossed the state line and didn’t see it. It is right on 95 after you cross over from NC into SC. Actually, if you take 85 to get into SC you wouldn’t have passed it. 85 takes you to the upstate.

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            • lol….i must have mentally blocked it out b/c i made that drive every year growing up and i swear i don’t remember it…my fam was in columbia, spartanburg, and eastover….where’s your fam from??

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              • All of my family is actually from NY. My mom transplanted herself down to SC. I am from the Pee Dee region of the state.
                http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pee_Dee

                You def passed the SofB. Crazy that you don’t remember it. They have signs for like 100 miles out it seems leading you there.

                Your mind did the right thing by blocking it out. Wu Young and I are from SC and have never been there.

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                • ah…one of my boys from college is from florence…since you’re in the dmv area now are you going to the vsb event next month? i think you should – especially since you had kema thinking y’all had already met an’ stuff…lol..

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      • I LOVE South of the Border! It is the ultimate tourist trap, and a blast to hang out for a few hours before you get on the road. South of the Border is South Carolina’s gift to roadtripping NYers and Floridians. :)

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        • I never been but I have passed it over 20 times. I feel like I might come up missing if I gett off that exit.

          Nonetheless, I enjoy the billboards from 80 miles out and when I see the big azz sombrero ahead I know I’m closer to my destination.

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    • Yep. Those stupid signs are still there. I don’t understand how the place stays open since the state outlawed video poker.

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      • Remember, we’re from the state that turned down Disney back in the day but allowed a useless racetrack, a nuke plant, and South of the Border. Just roll with it, Mena. #notbigenoughforarepublictoobigforaninsaneasylum

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    • There are a lot of Mexicans and Mexican-Americans in the Carolinas these days, I wonder how they feel about those South of the Boarder billboards. Especially the ones with Pedro. It was Pedro, right?

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  9. I would lose my mind driving for 20 hrs, let alone twice. I get antsy flying overseas for more than 6 hrs. I make sure my flights are booked overnight so that I can sleep and wake up at my destination.

    Your girl is a wonderful trooper.

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    • My longest flight was 19 hrs from Bahrain to Michigan(with many stops in between). International flights are pretty cool.

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      • I’ve done a 19 hour flight, and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to get off of the plane. Those seats are just incredibly uncomfortable. Every muscle in my body was trying to beat my ass when I tried to stand up.

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        • The worst part of my flight had to be when we stopped in Abu Dabi to take on more passengers and then flying into Amsterdam. I cant remember the airline but those seats were very tight. Switching to American Airlines made up for everything. I watched movies and I also believe I fell asleep on the shoulder of a U.S. Marshal. I felt bad but that was some good sleep.

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      • I took a 13 hour flight once. I mustv’e had ants in my pants because I couldn’t stop walking around the plane. I’m sure those people were sick of seeing my face.

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    • co-sign on this mena – the long road trips are a no bueno for me…i’m all about hopping on a plane any chance i get…

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      • But there is something about driving that is peaceful and helps you clear your mind and sort things out if need be.

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        • but you know…that all hinges on if it’s a smooth trip or not…when you randomly run into construction that last for MILES on end, or a big-@ss 20 car accident that shuts the highway down both ways and you have to detour at least an hour out of your way, or traffice is just backed up for #nodamnreasonatall…that shyt right there is the antithesis of peaceful…*trying to block the memories*

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              • It is! The other cool thing about road trips is the picture taking. I love photography so road trips opens me to endless possibilities.

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                  • Don’t mention the Carolinas…is it just me or does anyone else feel like driving through SC and NC feel like you are loosing 10 years of your life? Those states are never ending!!!!

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                    • NC never ends b/c of the speed limit changes. One minute it’s 70, then 65, then 55, back up to 60…

                      The worst.

                    • co-sign on mena’s comment…plus jeebus help you if you got to drive in circles thru the mountains…that shid always makes me sick to my stomach..

                    • Cosign on the speed trap that is my homestate of NC -___-

                      Driving back from DC I saw three people pulled over and laughed at them for being reckless. Not 5 minutes later do I see the swine hauling arse behind me -___-

                      *middle finger to Oxford, NC*

                    • Going to GA from VA on 95 South is 2.5 hrs through NC and the same for SC…if you do 87 miles/hr like i do with no stopping.

                    • you know what?? southern po-po can pull people over like no others…i have seen 1 officer with 4 cars pulled over before…

              • Lol. You brought back bad memories for me too. I remember coming to a complete stop on 95 south in NC, driving slow for 30 mins, then seeing the road open up. There was no signs of an accident. I was past pissed.

                OAN: Road trips are peaceful…in the beginning.

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          • Traffic for no reason makes me fight the air…or worse yet when you realize that one car going slow in the fast lane is causing miles and miles of traffic.

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      • Yes. I think Panama did a post about road trip nazi’s or either the conversation in the comments turned to them. I am a road trip NAZI! You ride with me, we aint stopping until the gas light in my car is own and we have gone 20 miles PAST the light being on. I reset my odometer EVERYTIME i refill just so i know where i am in mileage.

        I live in the DMV and fly to NYC. That’s how much I don’t like being in a car for too long.

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  10. Haven driven from Bmore to Houston a few times, I know how you feel. Did you enjoy the temperature change. Been to Austin many times, so I know you did and even if you didn’t I know you wanted to.

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