“There’s rules to this sh*t…” ~ Notorious B.I.G. “10 Crack Commandments” Life After Death, 1997
Whether malicious or benign, we all have rules when it comes to the people we date. We’re pretty much all control-freaks who want things the way we want them, when we want them that way – which is pretty much all the time.
I want it that way.
Have it your way.
We’re a society based on our own wants and desires. Which of course makes relationships funner than three pirahnas at a church picnic eating pork chops next to Sister Sue Betty with the gawdawful church hat collection. The thing is, having rules for our partners isn’t necessarily a bad thing as long as it’s more like, “if you drop a deuce on the living room floor, I will leave you” and not so much, “if you’re not home by 7pm every night of the week, I will beat you mercilessly and then make you watch re-runs of The Walton’s goodnight sequence for 3 hours every night.”
And believe you me, that would be torture. Waterboarding has nothing on “good night John Boy 8,984 times per night”.
While controlling people pretty much make me want to dry heave, I know that they exist everywhere. They’re in the bushes right now ready to jump out with a corkboard filled with post-it notes and oddly shaped thumbtacks. Bridezilla’s are not just brides, they are everywhere and rock boy XX and XY chromosome patterns. And like I said, all rules aren’t bad. So here are a list of general relationship rules that I think all people should recognize, acceptionize, and practicize.
1. Do not put hands on people unless people put their hands on you first or pull out a weapon.
I tried to tell OJ Simpson about this one but some joker named AC Kanye’d me right in the middle of my speech, and well, you all remember how that one ended. The damn Knicks BLEW it against the Rockets in the finals back in 1994.
2. Don’t bring sand to the beach, unless you know and appreciate your own sand more than the beach’s sand.
While I know people like to go to the club together, I think most people can’t handle seeing their S.O. being ogled by somebody else. People are jealous by nature. Some couples just have that comfort level to be able to do something like that. Most, however, do not. If you know you’re jealous, save yourself an argument and a court case and club on separate nights.
3. Do not make your S.O. look dumb in front of company, family, or ninjas you do not know.
This is more of a common courtesy and applies to your homies or homies with boobs, etc. Unless somebody is just egregiously in the wrong, alienating your S.O. in front of anybody is just not the business. It makes them look foolish. And NOBODY wants Ashanti’s sideburns (which she may or may not have gotten rid of by now).
4. Oral lovin’n is required.
No grown self-respecting individuals should still think its icky. Seriously. In fact, if you use words like “icky” after somebody says, “you gon’ touch it or not?” it should be okay for you to be forced to walk home. That goes for men or women, gay or straight.
5. Everybody needs some alone time.
Even Flavor Flav and that old white lady he was dating with the odd accent needed some alone time on occasion and both of them should have just been happy to have ANYBODY. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Why you think people think so fondly of dead people. Them ninjas are absent like a motherf*cker.
Well, good people of VSB, are there any relationship rules you think should be mandated? Do you have any special relationship rules impart upon your signifcant others?
Talk to the hand.
No, really. I’m recording it all in my palm-corder.
Huzzah.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
ummm i think im first!
6. Never go to sleep mad.
Nothings worse for ur sleep sched than anger on the heart. Plus ur psyche will pull up some wacked out ish in response… have you crying/cussing/cringing in ur sleep.
how VERY timely this post is… smfh.
@JessKnowsBest,
“6. Never go to sleep mad.”
Yep. Co-sign.
@JessKnowsBest,
I respectfully disagree. Sometimes that ‘ish won’t get settled until everybody has had a good night’s sleep. Sleep deprivation adds to the snarky. Plus you may have a more positive view of things and more likely to have a compromise and resolution after some rest. You may not sleep well, but you may need to sleep and table it for later.
@legitimate_soul,
I can’t stand when my gf says “don’t go to bed mad.” Me going to sleep is only going to help me clear my head so that I don’t show my a**. Besides I hate when people try to dictate the terms of my anger.
p.s. Asking me if I’m asleep at 3:46 in the morning isn’t going to help.
@legitimate_soul,
See, not going to bed “mad” is not the same as not going to bed mad at each other… I refuse to go to bed mad period. I will chill, relax and release before I go to bed… Does that mean the issue is resolved or we have even discussed it? Nope. It just means I am saving myself a skyrocketing high blood pressure, and enjoying a good night sleep. We can still be upset with each other in the morning… but I will NOT go to bed fuming. Ever.
@Sula,
Yeah, this how I feel and shyt.
@JessKnowsBest,
I respectfully disagree as well…keepin me up past my bedtime will only lead to more unnecessary isht. Let me go to sleep and catch me in the morning when I can think straight ….and probably have forgotten what nonsense started this argument in the first place.
@JessKnowsBest,
I’ve never been a big fan of the don’t go to sleep mad thing; I happen to think it’s one of those pieces of advice people like to give in their idealistic hopes that we’ll all be able to come to a higher level of relationship humanity, but I’m still not buying it. Sometimes you need a night to sleep on it and think things over, to wrap an idea around your brain and separate yourself from whatever emotions you were feeling at the time.
@JessKnowsBest, I disagree but I agree.
Generally, you shouldnt go to sleep upset w/ the SO. However, if you feel that sleeping will help the situation that should be said and a time to discuss the issue should be arranged.
@JessKnowsBest, i’m with everybody else who thinks that there’s nothing wrong with going to sleep mad. i’m all about that. mostly cuz NOT going to sleep mad will require us to be awake arguing and praying for resolution deep into the night. which will piss me off. its just a no win.
@JessKnowsBest,
I agree with you. Me and my girl never go to bed upset. These folks must be some unhappy people.
All I have right now is a 100% cosign on your list.
@sanen85, if thats all you have in life, you’re doing way okay.
“Why you think people think so fondly of dead people. Them ninjas are absent like a motherf*cker.”
So wrong, but so flippin’ funny! My relationship rule is don’t ask my about my past if you’re not ready to hear that you’re not my first, or the best I’ve ever had, best I’ve ever had, best I’ve ever had….
@Anike Love, i’m amazed by how many people really cannot handle the fact that people do indeed have a past. i really don’t understand this insistent denial and desire to never hear anything about somebody’s past.
@Panama Jackson, yeah it’s crazy. I had an ex who basically stalked EVERY guy who I ever said I talked to. It got so effin’ ridiculous that I started to just lie. Yeah, that’s bad too, shame on me lol.
@Anike Love,
I acknowledge the fact that everyone has a past…and I generally don’t want to know EXTRA information so I don’t ask and I don’t wish for that information to be volunteered on my ears. Just seems like torture (and kind of tacky) for someone to ask all this.
@Anike Love, I see this a little differently. I want to know everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly (especially the bad and the ugly). Like P said, we all have a past. I’m sure that those experiences helped to shape your decision making process. I want to know how you came to be the person you are, that’ll also help me by knowing to avoid making the mistakes that he made or help you to avoid repeating the mistakes. I’d really like to know if the reason I get so many moving violations now is because the cop you used to date bought you this car you’ve got me driving. These nasty little surprises of yours ain’t cute.
“These nasty little surprises of yours ain’t cute.”
LMBO, yeah, that’s about respect right there too. The cop imagery is hilarious!
I think it also comes down to knowing what kind of man you are. If you’re secure enough in who you are to not feel threatened or turned off by her past, than you might deal better at hearing about what or whose she’s done. I just have a problem when guys ask about past rltshps, then start dry heaving from anger. I mean, you asked!
@Caballeroso,
If it’s something that directly affects your life and well-being, I understand wanting/needing to know certain things. If not, asking certain things is just being nosy. If you’re 30+, revealing info on ALL of your exes, folks you’ve bedded, dated, etc. just seems like a bit much.
@Anike Love,
I agree with you addition and extend it to say “don’t ask me a question unless you really are ready and want to hear the answer.”
I know that we often ask something because we think we want to know (either about someone’s past or what they are really thinking or feeling) and people need to realize that sometimes things aren’t shared because the person doesn’t want to hurt you. So if you are going to poke and prod until you get the answer, be ready for what you might hear.
@Anike Love,
COGISN ALL THE WAY!
God it irks me to no end when ninjas just keep prying about your past
The way I see it,
Unless I’ve been with everybody and they daddy (which I haven’t)
Unless I had a thing with your friend (which I didn’t)
And unless you’re at risk of receiving an STD from me (which you aren’t)
My past is my past! Leave it there!
Whew.
@lh, oooh, that thing about talking to a guy’s friend in the past is a sensitive issue, dudes die a little inside when they find that out lol
@Anike L?ve,
lol I know and I think that might be why that’s something I wouldn’t trip about if a dude wanted to know. Better sooner rather than later and him dying figuratively rather than me dying literally when he throws a b*tch fit cause he found out from ole dude lol
i co-sign on your entire list except for number 2. i think i could do it depending on my level of comfort in my relationship. good list.
nothing to add here.
@Tunde, see, you THINK you could do it, but you aren’t sure. go party separately. lol.
@Panama Jackson, true. i’ll continue to do that for now. lol
#6987 Speak ya damn mind!
If something is off to you, be it a situation, mood, feeling.. throw in your damn towel, wave the flag, and let it be known there’s some nonsense going on that needs to be rectified. I know it’s futile telling women this,(without having to shake it out of them) but it’s also ridiculous being told 8 months later WTF is up. What the?
I love a woman who will call me out on my f*ckery, than be too intimidated to say something.
Amen.
@Officer Ricky, men aren’t immune to this either. lol. there are a lot of people who hate confrontation running amok.
@Officer Ricky,
I have to friggin’ co-sign this rule… Speak your d@mn mind!
I have very, extremely low tolerance for passive-aggressive ish… You will get dropped if you persist in your pass-agress ways. You have been warned, you.
Shyt its your best bet to let me go to bed mad. When I’m mad I need some
Time to get it together. Everything is better after some good sleep.
Oh and yeah I think oral is gross. Sue me. Hell I think tongue
Kissing is gross but hey sometimes you gotta suck it up.
My rules are short n sweet
Don’t cancel my dvr recordings
Don’t drink the last of the kool aid and not make more
Don’t lie
Clean the tub when you get out
Don’t wake me up for no bullshyt
@shay-d-lady,
“Don’t cancel my dvr recordings
Don’t drink the last of the kool aid and not make more
Don’t lie
Clean the tub when you get out
Don’t wake me up for no bullshyt”
#cosign lol
@shay-d-lady, oral is gross…both ways? or just you providing the exam?
i’ve heard PLENTY of women be on some, i’ll take it but i aint giving it bullmalarkey.
@Panama Jackson, both ways
@shay-d-lady,
In this day and age, it may be difficult to find a S.O. who will subscribe to your feelings about the oral (……although not impossible). I do know someone who thinks that kissing is gross though.
@shay-d-lady,
“Don’t cancel my dvr recordings”
I would say don’t touch my DVR period. You are just visiting anyway. Sure Alfie has been on there since November, and I have yet to watch it, but you had no right to erase it to make room for Lost.
@shay-d-lady, I am co-signing on the cleaning the tub. My rules are sorta identical to your list minus the kool aid (don’t drink it) and the oral sex bit ( it has its’ pro…it gets a him to STFU, when you do it you’re in a position of power, and he’s vulnerable and it i think its fun!).
Cosign
But also,
Do not ask your S.O. to do anything that you yourself would not be willing to do and actually be able to do.
What I mean is, do not ask your S.O. to do thinks like stop talking to their exes if you would not be willing to do the same thing…just doesn’t make any sense. (this shouldn’t be an issue in a healthy relationship anyway but I’ve witnesses this mess this creates)
@lh,
Good one!
@lh,
agreed!
@lh,
I’m not the jealous type. You can talk to your exes all day for all I care. I am on good terms will all official ex-girlfriends, and still hang out and talk to them from time to time because we are still friends. Cutting them off would shrink my close peeps pool by half,and that is not going to happen.
@Dash,
exes? like plural? like a bunch? i just read down there that most of your friends are women… but their exes too? lawd. ahhh that seems like a mess waiting to happen.
lol. were they all okay with you hanging with the one who made made your bedrock prior to them while you were dating?
@Dash,
See, I am the same way! I am still on good terms with most of my exes… It didn’t work out, but life goes on, we are friends. Shoot, I even try to recycle some to other girlfriends… So this little tidbit of not talking to all exes and what not, always goes above my head… as in, why? It’s not like we call/text/talk to each other every day… but if they send me a happy birthday note or we find ourselves at the same party, I am not going to shun him just cause…I mean I can understand if it’s a leery ex who is on some type of rebound and does not understand boundaries, but otherwise, it’s kind of a bad cliche…
Good thing the SO is not too gung ho about that kinda stuff… and my exes are respectful enough to be appropriate at all times.
@Dash,
For me its not really about jealousy. I’m not really the jealous type either. I’m proud as a mutha*ucka though and so would feel extremely stupid if I ignored the fact that my S.O. talked to their exes all the time and the next thing you know somebody’s pregnant and it aint me…
And also you have to realize that MOST people are jealous by nature so I’m speaking to what’s most likely to happen given how people usually are.
@lh,
I agree that this shouldn’t be an issue in a healthy relationship, & that you shouldn’t ask you S.O to do something that you wouldn’t. So I will have to blame my youth & experience for my disagreement with the whole ex situation for your example. I am by no means a jealous young woman, completely secure and confident. However, SOME people can’t just be friends with the ex.
@TheFuture,
Exactly
Some *cough* most *cough* most can’t be JUST friends with their exes
@TheFuture,
Exactly
Some *cough* most *cough* can’t be JUST friends with their exes
@lh, Some *cough* most *cough* can’t be JUST friends with their exes
In the lexicon of Madea HALLELUJER
I very much agree with your list. The only thing I can think of is don’t think your partner is Miss Cleo or Psychic Friends. Quit thinking he or she “already knows” when you never communicated a thing to them.
@legitimate_soul, -cosign big time-”Quit thinking he or she “already knows” when you never communicated a thing to them.” I think this is one that folks STILL don’t get, and it would make everything so much easier .I practice this on the regular with everyone……:-)
@legitimate_soul, yeah, i’ve been guilty of that one before. i’ve had to work on that myself. lol.
Nice list!
I say, don’t hit below the belt. If you know your partner well, you know what makes their blood boil. Do not say or do something trifflin’ in an argument to get back at them. Low blows are a no-go, they only make things worse. I would even say it messes up the trust in the relationship.
Also, don’t tally. Don’t count the times your S.O did something wrong, sure make a mental note of it the first time. But I feel if you are tallying things, you put on your gloves for a match. If what they did is so bad, nip it in the bud, and keep it moving.
Might I add, this article is frighteningly timely in my life…
almost to the minute.
@blackpearl,
I agree with the low blow sentiment. Don’t push buttons for the sake of pissing someone off intentionally…that’s just evil and I can’t fathom why someone in a loving relationship would do this. Not a good look.
@Monk,
Plus this is the kind of thing that could cause a person to black out on you.
I don’t advocate that, but I can understand.
@blackpearl, lol…you’ve got a superhuman list.
i know folks who can’t HELP but hit you with the lowblow. i also think it depends on just how far your buttons have been pushed. i’ve definitely pulled a Luda when boxed into a corner before.
@blackpearl,
Agreed. Below the belts attacks are for the kids and it just nudges away at the fabric of the relationship… and it’s all around no bueno.
@Sula,
Someone needs to actually tell this to quite a few politicians.
@Monk,
Word!
@blackpearl,
Definitely co-sign on the “no tallying”. My ex kept a running list of my mistakes. It eventualy made me leave; then he begged me to stay. But who wants to be with someone who is constantly judging you. No can do!
LOL at bringing up the 1994 NBA Finals.
I thought the #dearfuturehusband or #dearfuturewife tweets on Twitter spruned this topic to be debated and sh*t. Well I have a rule buried somewhere between Don’t Eat Everything In The House & Not Replenish It and BET Can’t Be Your Favorite Channel.
…353. If You’re Gonna Add Books to The Book-Shelf, Do Not Let Them All Be Written By Zane.
Sorry, do you know how hard it is to meet a woman who can at least name four books off her head that she’s read AFTER college? That at least hold some literary weight?
@Brando
“Sorry, do you know how hard it is to meet a woman who can at least name four books off her head that she’s read AFTER college?”
Um, no offense, but you are talking to the wrong humans. *kanyeshrug*
@KayBeezy, Word…
@KayBeezy,
Co-signature.
@KayBeezy, yeah, i agree with this statement like my life and Lil Wayne’s life depended on it.
@KayBeezy, Agree. This doesn’t apply for myself or the ladies I hang with. Not so sure where Brando is meeting his women…
@Brando,
i too must co-sign with kaybeezy!
if you SAW my bookshelf (which is actually a staircase in my bedroom)…you’d like i robbed a library and sh*t…
@Keisha Brown,
I cannot tell if u robbed a library for the books or for the money they collect from late fees based on this comment. lolol jk jk
PS What did you mean to say?
@Plain Ole Peyso,
bruhahaha…
i meant to say i got a lot of books. like.. ALOT of books.
i typed too fast and was still half-asleep.
*sheepishly walks away.
@Brando,
wow, where do you meet women??
…cause around here… we read books and sh*t. lol
@Muze, and she’s in the D!!!
no shots fired. lol.
@Panama Jackson,
“no shots fired. lol.”
I’m in the D and I wasn’t offended at this at all.
@Panama Jackson,
bwahahaha.
that was so a shot fired. but whatever. we rock out to “read a book, read a book, read a muthaf*ckin BOOK!” here in the D. cause we’re intellectual and such. lol
@Muze,
Love that song…lol!! Lil’ John has to be proud.
@Muze, That’s what I want to know lol
@Muze,
Are you telling me there are women outside the internet that read books outside of the typical “urban erotica”, “TD Jakes”, “black woman sorrow” topics?
@Humble_One,
LOL at the TD Jakes books. hey, some of his are good (well the two i’ve read).
i just can’t get with the whole urban erotica/ zane/ baby mama drama movement some ladies are so enthralled with nowadays. i feel like it kills braincells. and it’s not that i don’t understand writing about such topics, but i really think any book you write as an adult should have some sort of literary value. like, at least write that smut well. gosh.
if reading that is your mindless entertainment then fine, but if you call yourself a reader and can only name Zane novels… notsomuch.
and yes, there are. *smiles*
@Humble_One,
Are you telling me there are women outside the internet that read books outside of the typical “urban erotica”, “TD Jakes”, “black woman sorrow” topics?
YES! There are women who read Ernest Gaines, Zora Neale Hurston, Edward P Jones, and other authors. You should expand your cyber circle of friends.
@ no one in particular,
Who said Zora Neale Hurston? Love her. And there will always be one novel in particular of hers, that I hold near and dear to my heart.
A girlfriend of mine recommended Ayaan Hirsi Ali (Magan’s) book “Infidel”. Amazing read…I had to read it twice.
@Brando, naw, Twitter didn’t inspire this. i dont really spend THAT much time on twitter. i heard an argument on the radio the other day that inspired this.
@Brando,
Sorry, do you know how hard it is to meet a woman who can at least name four books off her head that she’s read AFTER college? That at least hold some literary weight?
I have to co-sign with my VSSs above… you need to diversify your circle, son. Word. Life.
Sorry, I’m in Texas – surrounded by college folk who can only comprehend what they may see on BET, MTV or hear on the radio or in beauty shops.
I think I mentioned to a chick that I read books for intellectual purposes (aka for fun) and she thought I was the Holy Grail or something.
I definitely need to change my circle up, because hanging around magazine women will only drive my blood pressure up and shorten my life expectancy.
*sigh & four grumbles*
@Brando,
Um…Sula and I are in Texas as well.
“I definitely need to change my circle up, because hanging around magazine women will only drive my blood pressure up and shorten my life expectancy.”
Thank you and good night.
@Brando,
Yeah, what miss t-lee said (*nods head, Hey Chica!*)… We both hail from the great state of Texas.
You might want to stray a bit outside of that circle… just a little bit. Lol!
@Miss T-Lee
Thanks, lol. Did you go to SXSW this year?
Mine is pretty much the opposite of “Never go to sleep mad.” Sometimes I think you just need to get away from an argument. Take a time out. Go saddown somewhere and think. I think it keeps the argument from escalating to the point where one or both of you is just saying hurtful things to the other in an effort to “win” the argument as opposed to being focused on coming to an understanding or finding some common ground.
@Yonnie3k,
yeah. sometimes it’s best to go to sleep mad. or take a drive or something. ,
because otherwise, i might stab you.@charli skipper,
*because otherwise, i might stab you*
lmbaoooooooooooooooooooooooooo
@charli skipper,
LMAO
@Yonnie3k,
Sometimes I think you just need to get away from an argument…
…unless your SO is Chris Henry…. (Too soon?)
@Sula,
STOP!!!!!!
*small giggle*
@Sula,
I’m ordering you a hand basket right now. At least you can go down below in style! Rotflmao
LOL and smh at the list…especially #’s 2-4.
And here are a few more:
* You CAIN’T hop your just-out-of-the-shower-fresh-n-so-clean-irish-spring-buck-nekkid-azz in the bed with me and expect me not to want to literally TAKE IT from you…
* You CAN domineeringly, yet firmly grip my neck in the midst of some good love makin’…but you CAIN’T…naw, you bet’not squeeze!
* If I CAN cook, you CAN volunteer to wash the dishes…I should not have to ask…and vice versa.
* (Regarding # foh’)….look hun, we’re both grown….oral is a beautiful thang, especially when its being recvd. And thank you for the compliments, yes, yes…sweetie, I love you too…but you CAIN’T expect this kind of treatment all damn night…what do I look like? The energizer bunny? I’m not really trying to see how many licks it takes to get to the center, nor am I trying to develop lockjaw. Beckies are to be given in increments, got it? ….shyt, I’m bout ready for an intermission. Break!
(….and Panama, fiyah dome….or rather dome period is not a given. Everyone CAIN’T be privy to that kind of treatment. That there goes hand-in-hand with the word TRUST and they’re BOTH to be EARNED.) Sowwwy….
….and lastly….
***I realize we all need one or two ace boon-coon(s) to lay it all out to, however, neither one of your confidants CAN be yo’ mama. Period.
And that’s all I have to say about that…for now.
@Ms. Butta’sWorth, * You CAIN’T hop your just-out-of-the-shower-fresh-n-so-clean-irish-spring-buck-nekkid-azz in the bed with me and expect me not to want to literally TAKE IT from you…
*Died, My S.O. just said “See!! you this all the time, u pervert”
Damn you VSS’s stop giving my S.O. verbal ammo!!!!
@Mr. Gundam,
“stog giving my S.O. verbal ammo!!!”
Whatchu’ mean, stop??? What do you expect her to do? Rollover? Ha!
You all need to stop crawlin’ in the bed with not a dayum thang on but the smell of soap, while being slightly wet and having the nerve to think I will not stop reading this book as soon as I get a whiff. Cuz it’s about get real “biblical” in this piece…don’t start none, won’t be none.
But really…you all know what you’re doing! LOL
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
*** “I realize we all need one or two ace boon-coon(s) to lay it all out to, however, neither one of your confidants CAN be yo’ mama. Period.”
Yaaaaassssss!
I had to side eye a lot of the shit my ex use to tell me about him and his mom’s relationship. IMO, she was a huge enabler, and the relationships she had w/ him & his bro were unhealthy.
My head almost did a 360 when me and him were having an argument one time and he said “Well Mama thinks…”
Where they do that at?!
@I’llgiveitatry,
You, know “we” can’t stand that kinda mess! And don’t get me wrong, I really like to see men have positive/respectful relationships with their mothers and fathers, for that matter.
I just think its so inappropriate and disrespectful to go mom’s with OUR relationship ills…especially since its likely that she’s biased. You’re her son. And it puts your woman in a difficult situation, since it’s likely with certain mothers, you can’t win for losin’. And next thing you know, while at Sunday dinner…the whole dayum family know what’s up…Aunt Irma and Aunt June all in our shyt …not to mention folks like to exaggerate the truth, while making a situation out to be the worst when in reality, it isn’t.
…like I said, Mama is the wrong one to pick as a confidant, when it solely comes down to you and your lady.
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
“* You CAIN’T hop your just-out-of-the-shower-fresh-n-so-clean-irish-spring-buck-nekkid-azz in the bed with me and expect me not to want to literally TAKE IT from you…”
how YOU doin? lol
But yeah, I agree…well, the fresh out the shower thing isn’t paramount. Basically, if I make it to bed first…and you climb in….chances are…..you finna get got. Yes, fin-na.
@Saule Wright,
What up, Saule?…and how YOU doin’ ? LOL silly.
“Basically, if I make it to be first…and you climb in…chances are…you finna get got.”
Yep…and its finna go down and you finna get the business! Lmao.
Checked out the blog, real nice setup there. As a matter of fact, a lot of you folks have some nice spots. :
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
Why thank you sugatoosh!
@Saule Wright,
You’re welcome…
let me stop….
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
“(….and Panama, fiyah dome….or rather dome period is not a given. Everyone CAIN’T be privy to that kind of treatment. That there goes hand-in-hand with the word TRUST and they’re BOTH to be EARNED.) Sowwwy…. ….and lastly….
***I realize we all need one or two ace boon-coon(s) to lay it all out to, however, neither one of your confidants CAN be yo’ mama. Period.”
If you’re in a relationship with someone, hopefully you would have enough trust to give/receive oral. If you don’t trust them, I’m not sure why you would want to be in that relationship. Also, friends is a must but I disagree with the “lay it all out to” to your ace and so forth. Everything in a relationship isn’t meant to be shared…somethings should be exclusive to those in the relationship, in my opinion. Maybe I’m just a private individual, but I don’t need my girl’s bestie to be priviledged to EVERYTHING.
@Monk,
Why are you reading into it so deeply, though? Of course the trust would have been establish to some degree once the greenlight is given on “slappin’ bellies”, cuz you know the protection (condoms) are right there between us….but with oral “pleshas” folks usually want that sans the sheep skin. Cuz look here, I’m bout to wrap my mouf around this man, whom I must trust with my life that he’s not infected with some shyt that could compromise my well being….you know, sharing your medical records/test results helps a helluva lot, but it does not help me detect some shyt that can otherwise be untraceable for six months, before “the situation” flares up or shown at your next “test” which wont be for anutha SIX WHOLE months.
I’m just sayin’…everyone I’ve dated in the past didn’t get some (Ooochie nor The Beckay) and honestly, one ONE so far has been able to get bof’, yes bof! It was not delivered until I was completely comfortable…and once I finally felt free to let my hair down and my mind was at ease, I dayum perfected the presidential skills to a bonafide pro! ROTFLMAO
It’s just that with all that going on out here now, I’m a little shook up on eva doing that again with my future significant other. This shyt is wild out here.
Oh and it’s a given that EVERYTHING is not to be shared with everyone else, when it comes down to a relationship. But I honestly believe everyone has that ONE person, whom they trust with their lives, whom they are comfortable speaking with on more personal matters….NOT how yo’ fine azz buck nekkid ‘ol guhl served you last night on the way home from a dinner party or that little thing she does with her tongue. Come On!….you’re nit-pickin’ my previous post, sweetie.
I’m clearly speakin’ on “grown man shyt”. And grown azz men, who respect and value their gems at home don’t speak about their ladies in that manner to anyone. He keeps that kinda shyt to him dayum self. The last thing he needs is anuth mutha-funucka visualizin’ “his woman”. Not to say, this couldn’t happen, but he damn sure wouldn’t lay out the red carpet for anutha man to do so….I would certainly hope not!
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
I’m by no way suggesting that EVERYONE that you deal with should be priviledged to such things. I’m saying that if something is “serious”, then that trust should (theoretically) be there.
“…I’m a little shook up on eva doing that again with my future significant other. This shyt is wild out here.”
Hopefully, you’d deem your future significant other significant enough to build that trust where you’ll feel comfortable about it.
And of course I’m not talking about trivial things such as how one’s mate “put it down”, c’mon now. I’m just a believer in that a relationship is between two people (unless one is into other things…lol!) so certain things of an intimate (not just sexual) nature shouldn’t be discussion material for my woman and her girlfriend in the same way I’d respect her privacy and not tell my boy a play-by-play on everything that goes on in our relationship. That’s just being an adult.
@Ms. Butta’sWorth, this comment seemed very exciting for some reason. i think its all the asterisks and commas.
@Panama Jackson,
“this comment seemed very exciting for some reason”
Well that was the desired effect. LoL j/k
But really, I’m extremely visual, so I just had to paint a picture for somma ya’ll to “get it.”
And I wuddn’t no asterisks, it was simply the topic of “that beckay.” ….which YOU started! Lol
@Panama Jackson,
“this comment seemed very exciting for some reason”
Well that was the desired effect. LoL j/k
But really, I’m extremely visual, so I just had to paint a picture for somma ya’ll to “get it.”
And it wuddn’t no asterisks, it was simply the topic of “that beckay.” ….which YOU started! Lol
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
Absolutely, positively cosign this list.
*_________Sula____________*
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
LOL!!!! Major CoSignage for:
* (Regarding # foh’)….look hun, we’re both grown….oral is a beautiful thang, especially when its being recvd. And thank you for the compliments, yes, yes…sweetie, I love you too…but you CAIN’T expect this kind of treatment all damn night…what do I look like? The energizer bunny?
@CNotes,
LOL. You know they want it like that pink bunny….it keeps going and going…and going….
In that case, I demand that you stay down there until you give me 30 reps of 50 with the very tip of tongue with a little biting at the end of each rep….and report to me how your tongue feels and the end of the workout. Hurt much? Too bad Icy Hot is for external use only and that they don’t make heating pads especially for sore tongues.
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
Our friends relationships are not barometers for our own relationship. I don’t expect you to walk around in nothing but baby oil like Deonte’s girl, Starkeisha, does and it’s completely unreasonable for you to expect me to buy you 5 Gucci bags this week because LaTargetta’s lifetime boyfriend, Man Man, did.
ESPN is not a channel, it’s a lifestyle.
@Saule Wright, I’m so upset with these names, lol
@Yonnie3k- cosign on the names thing…*DEAD @MAN MAN
@Yonnie3k,
lol, it happens.
@Saule Wright, sadly… i know a Starkeisha… lol
@Saule Wright,
Co-sign
Your friend’s lives may look great but may actually suck to high hell behind closed doors. People only let you know what the want you to know.
@Saule Wright, Man Man & La Targetta?! LMFAO
I co-sign to the 3rd on your statement! I had to convince my S.O. at one point that just ‘cuz his boy Eddie caught his girl Glitterlashes in bed w/ some vague dude from the gym. For reals, he was like “When you’re practicing kata stances at the gym, you’re only with women in the room, right?”
Funky situations w/ friends’ relationships will cause weirdness= Paranoia, the destroyer…
@GeekChicness,
let the chuuch say aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen-t.
@Saule Wright,
i can’t with these names!! lmbo.
so true though. a friend’s relationship should be no gauge. the grass always seems greener when you’re standing in the brown patches.
@Saule Wright,
LaTargetta? LaTargetta, really fam??
You cuttin’ up!!! Bwahahaha!
@Sula/Saule,
Um, yeah….you’re killin’ us with these names. lol
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
It’s funny ’cause it’s true.
@Saule Wright,
I know it is….
….and you’ve just reminded me of this chick I knew back in high school who named her daughter Terrantanisha Dikesha Ly’Philia Hunt. <— Top Dat! …or the dude who's first name was Natural (last name: Youngblood). What was his folk smokin' that night! LMAO!
@Saule Wright,
“Our friends relationships are not barometers for our own relationship. ”
Co-Sign. As I once read stated, sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence ’cause the lawn is full of shyt.
….oh, and never be hesitant to give it to me raw….unadulterated, shoot straight from the hip, no chaser. I need that from you, no matter how much it may hurt my feelings. Lets keep it 100% and between us.
…which led me to think of this: “Bring it to the wood.” Don’t keep that isht bottled up, only to give me one helluva tongue lashing later on down the road. Don’t get me wrong, we all need a minute to collect ourselves at times….however, if I’ve pissed you off? Offended you? Oblivious to your needs/wants (which I feel is never purposely nor is it a habit)…let me know….let me know.
It’s almost impossible to improve in certain areas, when you’re shown NO sign of errors. I’m not perfect, but I’ll definitely put in the effort to make sure the issue is resolved going forward.
Effective communication works wonders.
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
“…which led me to think of this: “Bring it to the wood.” Don’t keep that isht bottled up, only to give me one helluva tongue lashing later on down the road. Don’t get me wrong, we all need a minute to collect ourselves at times….however, if I’ve pissed you off? Offended you? Oblivious to your needs/wants (which I feel is never purposely nor is it a habit)…let me know….let me know.”
get outta my head! I swear you were a dayum fly on the wall in my last relationship. I can’t begin to express how annoyed I was that this negro was keeping a laundry list of shit I do/ did that he didn’t like. Man up and say that shit, don’t come at me no 3 months later talking about how I cut you off repeatedly while we were having a convo about MY problems.
@I’llgiveitatry,
“don’t come at me no three months later”
^^^ Exactly! That’s child’s play! Tombout, rememba that time when….wth?!
Betta gone on with all that…brewing over something that happened last Chrimmus! Its bad for your health. Stress is another silent killer.
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
I stopped reading after “give it to me raw”…….don’t judge me.
@Saule Wright,
You wrong, man….now just for you, Saule: (Ms. Butta now crankin’ up some Busta as he sings…”Ooooo, baby I like it rawwwww, Ooooo, baby I like it rawwwww”. Hahahaaaa…
But of course, I AM referring to open communication.
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
you had me at hello….
@Saule Wright,
I couldn’t judge you, even if I tried.
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
I think on the interwebs, what you just said was a proposal. I accept.
@Saule Wright,
LMAOffff! LOL (Cole) You stooopid….
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
Please, someone give that girl a talk show… I hear Tyra and The Oprah are retiring!
@Sula,
LOL. I’m just sayin’. Shyt, we grown!
@Ms. Butta’sWorth,
“Effective communication works wonders.”
This is pretty much my relationship rule. If the communication is open and honest, it cuts out a lot of the shullbit.
@Monk,
I wish a lot more people understood this particular concept.
You must speak a foreign language fluently.
You must have a passport and for God’s sake, a LIBRARY CARD.
@The Tall One,
done and done and done!
(although, i’m starting to lose my french because i don’t use it as often as i used to).
@Keisha Brown,
Don’t lose your French. French is widely spoken throughout the world. I used to tutor French using Petit Nicolas, or you could also check out French news sites.
@The Tall One,
french is one of our national languages, but i don’t live in the nations capital anymore (went to school there), where you couldn’t even work mc’ds unless you were bilingual. im back in toronto, where i should learn an arabic/middle eastern or asian language. french is not really spoken here. but reading french news sites is a good idea! (or shall i say une bonne idee!)
@The Tall One,
so… your pictures are extradope. that is all.
i’ve been doing shoots for folk but i am trying to get into more photography of the elements and surroundings and such. always admire a good camera wielder. lol
@Muze,
Thank you, Muze. I love interior design and good flow when I enter a room, a building, etc. Sometimes it’s not so much about the chair or colors, it’s about how I feel when I enter a certain space. Photograph what you love and you’ll be amazed.
@The Tall One, a foreign language fluently? that’s an actual rule you have for a potential mate???
sad to say, more than half the folks i know don’t seem to know how speak English fluently…degrees or not.
@Panama Jackson,
are you serious? Yes, you are and I am as well. We all know people whose grasp of the English language is not so tight. I’m certainly not looking down on them. Speaking a foreign language fluently lets me know several things about a person:
1. He is interested in cultures other than his own.
2. He loves the art of communication. Speaking any language well, is a form of art, well, at least to me.
3. He commits himself to the task at hand. It’s not easy learning another language, it takes a lot of time and dedication.
4. It’s sexy as hell when I can speak to an American man in French. Don’t get me started on foreign men speaking English well. Fiyah!!!!
@The Tall One,
I am curious though… why a foreign language? I want to understand the thought process behind the perceived value of a foreign-language in a relationship (asides from “they can help if you travel to said foreign place”)… Inquiring minds and sh!t.
@Sula, Yeah, I thought I was being extra by
requiringpreferring that a man have a passport. Travel is very central to my life and I figure that at this point (30 y/o) if you don’t have a passport, then travel is NOT central to your life.@Sula,
Yonnie3K said it in a nutshell. Travel is central to my life. I’m always living and working somewhere in the world. I come “home” two months at a time (if I’m able) otherwise, I’m location independent. If travel to a potential means spending a week or two in the Bahamas once a year (if he’s accrued that much time) then that relationship is not going to work out. I’m the kind of person who likes to live and/or work abroad. That two-week vacation mess after working for a company five years, etc. is for the birds. Speaking a foreign language tells me a lot about him as a person and usually those things are quite positive.
1. Do not put hands on people unless people put their hands on you first or pull out a weapon.
You can say that again. I have been through this before. Not cool at all.
4. Oral lovin’n is required.
Ok maybe I am just nasty LOL. But that is a must! And they must be able to do it right. Practice makes perfect! LOL
@GinaMarie, you’re not nasty. you’re grown.
@Panama Jackson, True enough. I can’t people that claim they don’t do it. C’MON SON. It’s 2010 for me it”s the norm.
Regarding #4,
I think its implied you meant a Significant Other. I don’t know any guys who will get into a relationship with a woman who won’t give head( and I do mean PROPER head, not that bs 90 second “my jaw is starting to hurt” head)
Its 2010 dammit! Suck it like you mean that shit!
@Its2010dammit, Its 2010 dammit! Suck it like you mean that shit!
LMAO. that’s so funny.
@Its2010dammit,
“suck it like you mean that sh!t”
Hollarin’!
But under one condition: You CANNOT…under no circumstances grab me by the head, in the process…try it, and you’ll miraculously wind up with “blue ballz”…and you won’t be able to p!ss for 72 hours. Face-effin’ ain’t sexy.
It just looks wrong.
@Ms. Butta’sWorth, Really? I love that. Positive reinforcement. Its like a gold star at the top of my paper. Not face-effin’, just a gently placed hand.
@Yonnie3k,
I literally laughed out loud with the calm reply of —> ” I love that”…and “positive reinforcement “bout dun kilt meh tho”… Too funny!
“just a gently placed hand” …okay well that sounds more like it…gentle strokes, running his hands through my hair, while I watch him from down below, as he gets off…eyes rolling to the back of his head…yeah, I can get with that.
But just pure-dee stabbin’ in the face, like I’m some mechanical blow up doll, lacks intimacy and sensuality….almost as if he wouldn’t care a dayum whether or not I was “breevin’ ” . Just don’t treat me like you’re hunchin’ a stuffed animal, suffocating the shyt outta me.
I may be the one on my knees, like a devoted concubine to the High Priest, but respect my shyt.
***Servants are but masters in disguise.***
That ^^^ was my happy thought when I was first introduced such an erotic act…and it still is. LOL
Now, there’s GOTTA be a way we can submit an alternative to rule #4…..sorry, but the thought of slobbin’ down someone’s peestick just does not appeal to me…maybe I can get you a beer or somethin’?
@MzPW,
You do realize that you are so far in the minority that in order to find a compatible male(one who doesn’t care for head) you are limiting yourself to about 3 or maybe 4 guys worldwide.
Good luck with that
@MzPW,
Really? I’ve been with my s.o since 06 and sometimes just the thought of going down on him can get me nice and wet…hell I think 95% of our sessions include both of us giving some oral. I don’t know, maybe I’m lucky that we are that comfortable with each other….
@MzPW,
Sorry, the orals are not a suggestion, they are a requirement.
@MzPW,
“maybe I can get you a beer or somethin’?”
Let me know how that goes.
I don’t think there is any substitute for that.
@MzPW, yeah. no. ain’t no grown ass man gonna be okay with NEVER getting any oral.
i mean, do you think you’re funny enough, cute enough, or smart enough to NOT do it?
@MzPW,
Maybe you can see why it bothers you so much? Sometimes it can go deeper than just “simple repulsion”…. Could it be religious bias?
But then again, you don’t want to do what you don’t want to do… just let the person know ahead of time, so they know what they are getting… or not getting as is the case here.
Oh, and also good luck!
@Sula & all above,
Seriously speaking, is it that big a deal? Orral that is? Because people talk a lot about how important IT is, and I kinda see it as just one of those things that you do during s3ks. So true talk please. Is it really that big a deal, or is it more one of those “must love dogs and play an instrument” (sounds good- but will be waived). Or is it a stance taken because of the many, many women/ men who would not give hed a while back?
@wwwwwwwwoosah,
“Seriously speaking, is it that big a deal? ”
Yes. It’s that serious to me.
I’ve broken up with kats who refuse to get down. C’mon now. We’re all adults. It’s cool if a dude doesn’t want to do it, but he needs to be with a chick who isn’t expecting it. That chick would not be me.
@wwwwwwwwoosah,
Hell yeah it’s that serious! Giving and receiving! Not with any and everyone. But for me, when in a relationship, I don’t really believe in limitations in the bedroom (outside of pi$$ing and shyting – that’s just gross). And besides oral (both sides) is foreplay to me and d@mn near a requirement. Lol
@wwwwwwwwoosah, i’ll tell you why it’s a big deal. it’s an assumed part of the experience. so when you find a person who DOESN’T do it, it seems so egregious like they just called your mama a b*tch. like people who don’t do it are almost saying something about you. at a certain point/age, it should be an expected and acceptable part of the boudoir booty blast, b/c grown folks do what it takes to make the other person happy, on both sides of the aisle.
plus, i don’t know how i’d feel if i was the dude who had the chick who refused to do that. or vice versa. for most people the grass only SEEMS greener. in this instance, the grass actually is motherf*cking 3D alice in wonderland greener.
@wwwwwwwwoosah,
yes! tis.
i recently had a convo with a guy friend and he admitted that he absolutely DOES NOT do that. and i explained to him that that’s probably the reason why he can’t keep a woman. i mean, it’s twennyten and ish. if he’s not doing it… someone else is. and that’s not a good look.
and this “for most people the grass only SEEMS greener. in this instance, the grass actually is motherf*cking 3D alice in wonderland greener.”
just killed me. lmbo.
@wwwwwwwwoosah,
Yes, it’s a big deal. It allows for a new level of bonding with your S.O. It gives me the opportunity to explore and determine exactly what she likes which I can then deliver to ensure that she is satiated, and vice versa. How can you ever know each other if you’re not willing to get to KNOW each other?
@Muze,
“i recently had a convo with a guy friend and he admitted that he absolutely DOES NOT do that. and i explained to him that that’s probably the reason why he can’t keep a woman.”
I’m glad you told him. It was your civic duty.
@ PJack
“for most people the grass only SEEMS greener. in this instance, the grass actually is motherf*cking 3D alice in wonderland greener.”
You’re like Bobby Womack in this jump.
Mayne!!
@ upthread folks,
Hmmmm. OK. I get that it might be unAmerican to give hed. But my take was that it’s “one of those things” that one does as part of one’s repertoire. So one can give hed or “other comparable activity”. But from what you say, “comparable activity” is a cop out in your books and is the mark of a true deviant LOL. But still I wonder if it’s the act itself, or is it more to do with what Panama says i.e. everybody gives it (or says they do!) and so, no one wants to be on the straggly looking lawn looking at the green Alice in Wonderland lawn (ha!). So, is no hed is as deal breaking as say, someone deciding to become celibate?
@ …
I guess in fewer words, my real question is: Is or isn’t hed way over-rated. It’s good, yes. But Second Coming good? That is the question.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(and yes, I’ve been heard from pretty cunning linguists but eh…again, I live to learn).
@MzPW, What is so wrong with oral? The thought of doing that to my partner turns me on completely. Do like to receive? A man is gonna want oral period. Get with it! LOL It’s not that bad in fact it rather fun!! LOL @Its2010dammit That shit was hella funny LMFAO!
@GinaMarie,
…and how YOU doin? lol
@Saule Wright, LOL
i cosign on #5. hell, sometimes, you just need to give me a damn minute.
also, don’t bring up to your significant other how other people–especially exes or old classmates/co workers–have been coming on to you. i mean, sometimes, this might come up in general conversation…..but it probably shouldn’t. it creates unnecessary suspicion and, if it’s somebody i’m dating bringing that sh*t up to me, he might just mess around and get his feelings hurt.
oh, and don’t call your mate a “b*tch.” that’s always bad. i learned that the hard way when i went through this phase of really enjoying hearing (or calling) a grown man being called a b*tch when he’s acted in a such a fashion. well, ok, i still haven’t really learned my lesson, but i definitely wouldn’t call a man that unless i’m already fully expecting that relationship to be OVER
and perhaps a minor choking incident.oh, and as far as having to walk home goes: that’s happened to me. meh, it’s not so bad. i mean, it sucked at the time, but all these years later it makes for great sparkling dinner conversation.
@charli skipper,
and i’m not talking about telling your s.o. about stuff that somebody else DID that you need to get off your chest to preempt some confusion–like in that movie “obsessed”, cuz that dude shoulda told his wife from jump! if somebody shows up naked in your car or is stalking you, then by all means, tell your partner. but don’t go up to your girl talking about, “babe….i saw courtney today. she kept lickin her lips at me and asking if i was happy….invited me to dinner tonight…” um…..ho sit down.
@charli skipper, i had a chick try to make me walk home once. lol. and then the heffa got MAD at me b/c i didnt get back in her car. i was like…cool. it was on some Poetic Justice sh*t with her just driving along trying to get me to get back in the car.
it was nice outside though. her L.
Panama -”The damn Knicks BLEW it against the Rockets in the finals back in 1994″- this still is stuck in my craw as well…..nodding head in agreement, just some things you can’t let go of *SIGH
@bajanflchick, if you’re a NY fan. you shouldn’t ever let go of that. lol.
Panama, except in a long term, committed relationship, I don’t agree with the oral sex rule. It’s otherwise a rule that benefits horny guys who want too much too soon and that they usually don’t deserve, and turns young women into c0ck$uckers who think they have to behave like whores to get or keep or boyfriend. What man really wants to marry a chick that’s had gawd know how many pipes in her mouth?
I think this is why 70% of black children are born to unwed mothers, and the marriage rate in our community is abysmal. All this anything goes sex in bed prior to love, actually runs counter to what a man wants in a woman, and leaves little, if anything, left for the two of them to discover.
And none of what I’ve said addresses the fact that nearly half of the adult population is estimated to being infected with herpes and HPV. Frankly, taking a risk of getting sores on your lips and warts in your throat for what usually amounts to one of many a short term flings is just plain stupid. Get yo’ freak on if you want, but there are prices for both to pay in too many ways to count.
No disrespect, but I’m just sayin’…
@Kit (Letters To A Young Sista),
Yeah no one’s saying you have to do this to EVERY guy that you meet. Of course some discretion must be used. We’re just talking about once you’re in the relationship. Look – if I guy didn’t want to go down on me, I’m not going down on him. If he doesn’t want to go down on me, then we wouldn’t be in a relationship ya dig?
REAL MEN EAT P*SSY
@BKSweetheart,
Yeah…what you said.
@Kit (Letters To A Young Sista),
We ain’t talking about slobbing down random kats at will, but in a relationship? That is to be expected. Just like he’s expected to give tongue lashings early and often.
All is fair.
@miss t-lee, c/s both you and BK
Plus… the STD’s the author mentioned can be contracted by physical contact alone….no penetration even has to go down. There’s no such thing as safe sex…
@BKSweetheart,
“REAL MEN EAT P*SSY”
I’d wear that T-shirt! (around the house)
@Caballeroso,
It will be cute to wear it while doing it… Ha!
@Kit (Letters To A Young Sista), yeah, i feel you. that’s deep and all.
but the premise of my post is relationship based anyway. not just some knucka youve been with for 2 days whose last name you scribbled all over your notebook.
plus it goes both ways.
so while i appreciate the wet blanket approach, it really just sounds like a long way of saying you shouldnt be expected to give head.
@Kit (Letters To A Young Sista),
As it has been stated: you’re speaking random, we’re speaking exclusively.
And check this: being in a marriage and/or committed long term relationship does NOT exempt one from getting infected. Cuz its most likely, once folks are married/exclusive etc…protection for the man goes out the door and both parties are simply going by TRUST, HONESTY, LOYALTY AND RESPECT (and of course the LOVE) they have for each other…based on the premise that neither one of them would bring the outside madness into their relationship and otherwise put one another in danger.
Grown folk automatically know: Relationships are a gamble. You have zero chance of winning if you choose to sit along the sidelines and not play. Its called being grown enough to take ownership of your actions instead of complaining and hanging on to the negative aspects.
And there’s no reason sitting around wondering why you’re (not you, just in general) are single, but you scared.
Ladies, if you’re only 25 and can count the number of guys of both hands you’ve given head to, you’re either a risk taker and like it, and that truly is your business, or you just might be deluded over the so-called committed and exclusive relationship you thought you had.
Call me a wet blanket if you want, but this promotion of no oral sex is a rule breaker serves far more single men than single women, and I’ll bet every one of you got some of stories to tell. What so many of the men won’t tell you is a centuries old idea: why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
I read a post here about another blog recently that was really interesting. This guy, Roissy of Citizen Renegade, said that men love freely, women love desperately. For the most part, he was right, and the sex revolution is the reason why: Women have been turned into free Dairy Queens.
For those to whom this applies and you know who you are: I’m not saying never do it, just be damned sure you’re doing it to and for someone who really loves you, otherwise there’s nothing funny about that rule, not on even on this blog.
@Kit (Letters To A Young Sista),
mmm…dairy queen….(*drools a la Homer Simpson). i can’t wait for summer…
back to the message at hand..
Kit, i so hear what you are saying – but there are there NO hard or fast rules on what one should and shouldnt do, when they should and shouldn’t do it anymore. i wish there were, but there are always going to be rule breakers and those that don’t play fair. the ONE rule that EVERYONE should follow is: know thy medical history and status prior to engaging in any type of sexual relations. and hopefully that of the other person.
Sandra Bullock, Elizabeth Edwards, hell even Elin Woods were sold. their husbands owned the cow. (to go with your analogy) yet, some other heifer(s) came along with offers of free milk that they didnt want to pass up. what to say to that?
i understand your message, but it rings insincere at times. you don’t want to come across as judging, but in essence that it what you are doing. what is a deal breaker for some, isn’t for others.
yes, there are some females who lie to themselves about the type of relationship they THINK they have, but can you place blame on those who have been lied to? you don’t get to pick and choose who, when, why, where and how you fall for another person. and trust me, no matter how smart and educated you are, some people’s game is just that on point. (ie: me ending up in a relationship with a drug dealer…). it’s not fair to label women as either loose with their morals or naive, not leaving room for any other variables and explanations.
i have many wishes for the sisterhood, the black community, young folk and the world at large…i wish we lived in a global village, i wish i could slap the sh*t outta some young punks that clearly arent getting disciplined at home, i wish 7 year olds didn’t know about oral sex, i wish trey songz didn’t think he invented sex, i wish BET was about the empowerment of Black people, i wish more credence was paid to drs, teachers and miliary people than the Kardashians and Hiltons. i wish kids would go to school to learn books the way they are on youtube learning dance moves, i wish i wish i wish (#norkelly)..but alas..
i can only change the world, 1 person at a time. i will start with the ones in my life that i influence by living my life as best i can and the only way i know how – as a human with flaws that makes mistakes. and if im ever blessed to have a daughter, i will tell her that her body is hers alone, that no one has a right to. i hope to arm her with real and truthful information, so that she can make an informed decision.
i’ll end by saying that i’m 30 and lost my virginity at 21. in 9 years, i’ve had numerous experiences. some good, bad and some ugly. but i dont regret a single one. i know the number and name of every person i’ve been with. they have all made me smarter, wiser, more knowledgeable of my body, my sprit and heart. somethings you just have to learn by doing.
@Kit (Letters To A Young Sista),
I can’t speak for everyone, but I sincerely doubt anyone is trying to pressure you into performing intimate acts, especially if its not something you’re 100% comfortable with, especially considering what’s out here (ref’ing back to my previous post).
Like I’ve stated, there was only one particular (committed) relationship that comes to mind, that made me feel completely comfortable enough to fully embrace “what was already in me…just took the right man, b/c it was always there. And thankfully, we both respected each other more than enough to prevent us from compromising the other person’s health.
But my point is: All it takes it one time. And that’s for any and everybody…to include yourself. Orally, vaginally or anally. Of course, you already know this. So to pass judgment on someone else who feels that is very much a requirement and therefore a deal breaker IMHO is quite prude. We all know oral is not the only way diseases can be transmitted. Hell, to come into contact with someone whose got that Herp2 doesn’t take very much, with or without an outbreak in plain view. And sadly, there are spouses (not just bf/gf mind you) who’s selfishness jeopardizes their husbands/wives’ lives everyday by the transmission of HIV/AIDS. So I say all of this because I didn’t quite get the previous lectures…especially when most folk were quite specific with their responses. Cuz you could contract something from the next dude you’re in a relationship with, whom you’re committed to….heyal…even married to; even if it isn’t doesn’t materialize until the next five years….then what? (…and I mean no harm in that).
If a person’s actions are aligned with there words and they’ve given you no reason to doubt them, well hun….all that anyone can do in this type of situation is trust. And if you have trust issues, then “your” best bet is to remain abstinent until then. Celibacy is a bit of a stretch since that more like a vow to God to abstain from sex for the remainder of your days (and a lot of people like to pride themselves on being celibate and truly have no idea what it really means).
***simply one reply to another, whether it applied to me or not, nevertheless, I do understand where you were coming from…my bottomline was and IS STILL that none of us – are exempt.***
That is all.
@Keisha & Ms Butterworth,
I hear where you two are coming from, although I will say one of you credited me with a whole bunch words that didn’t come from my keyboard.
Also, there’s a difference between being judgmental and using judgment. I said in my earlier two comments that they apply only to those who think it should. We’ve all seen to many young ladies who only wanted to be loved, do more than they wanted to and then feel trashed afterwards. (Yeah, fellas, I know y’all feel like this too, but it’s more about haven’t some chick smoke your wallet than sex, eh?)
I’m also not anti-oral sex. But, I’ve been working with a lot people over many years in counseling settings, and seen how Bill & Monica paved the way for 15 year boys think it was okay to demand this from 15 year old girls who ain’t get jack in return. This is why I cringe at any hint of it becoming a “rule”, ’cause the rule makers will have the power if you let them.
And for the lovers out there where oral is truly in your comfort zone, enjoy this not so oldie but goodie song.
@Kit (Letters To A Young Sista),
Not to go back and forth with you, but I could not resist…
“…and turns young women into c0ck$uckers who think they have to behave like whores to get or keep or boyfriend. What man really wants to marry a chick that’s had gawd know how many pipes in her mouth?”
-AND-
Frankly, taking a risk of getting sores on your lips and warts in your throat for what usually amounts to one of many a short term flings is just plain stupid.
Then you respond with:
Also, there’s a difference between being judgmental and using judgment….I’m also not anti-oral sex
The first two examples above are judgmental, but then you contradict yourself with a portion of your last response. Hate to put it out there, but you’re doing a lot of flip floppin’.
You don’t particularly care for oral sex…its obvious…and guess what, its okay. You’re an adult. However, so are the folks here and whatever they get themselves into is their own weight to carry. To say that you choose not to get down for your own reasons is cool, however IT IS prudish and judgmental of you to knock another person’s choice based on their own personal reasons…see where I’m going with this?
Look, if you’re sexually active, you’re at risk. Period. Rubbing and stroking each other’s genitals is just enough to open the flood gates for genital herpes. And kissing him in or around the mouth (in reference to your comment about the # of genitals that has been in old girl’s mouth)…you and I both know, whoever you decide to ucfk, you’ve also decided to take the risk of catching whatever was left on him by the last woman….and then whomever she decided to lay with…so on and so forth. Same with simply kissing, even if there are no open sores visible. I know you already know this…
…but it is ridiculous to say or assume one can only contract open sores from oral alone. Whoever believes that is foolish indeed. And one more thing: it is also foolish to assume that women who not only enjoy receiving oral but give it, are doing it out of desperation, low self esteem, blah, blah, blah…get this: its sexually stimulating for her as well if/when she performs and she enjoys it. Simple as that.
Last shocker: Not all cows are ready nor want to be bought. Some folks actually lead fulfilling relationships without all the legalities and validation of societal views and opinions.
1. Know thyself.
2. Be thyself.
3. Take your meds. (U know who u are)
@Melissa M.,
i’m sorry.. but this is hilarious. i know a few who MUST be skipping their daily dosage, for real.
Let folk walk away when they’re angry.
When they tell you something that bothers them, DON’T brush it off because it doesn’t bother you.
Keep your folks (read: especially nosy parents) out of your business….walking into the dining room for Sunday dinner only to hear “Smiley Face so how’s your (insert problem here) with (insert person here) going? Here’s what I think you should do…” will only lead to a silent car ride home and a much more difficult week for you. O_o
@Smiley Face, When they tell you something that bothers them, DON’T brush it off because it doesn’t bother you.
hard lesson to learn for many a person.
@Panama Jackson,
True Story.
Don’t go out to the club with your SO and tell them to dance and mingle with others and get mad if they are talking and dancing with someone else.
@Deeds, This is so diffuclt to do that it makes going to the club together nigh impossible to do successfully.
Lol I love this list….
1. Do not, and I repeat do not wear matching outfits….i shouldn have to explain this one
2. Don’t use my toothbrish and sh*t. We share each other yes but I do not want to share gingivitis, germs, and tht piece of brocoli with u.
3. If it’s your place I will not be upset if you leave the toilet seat up. My place…do not do tht
@Tahirah,
dead at your whole list.
ew at sharing bits of chewed up broccoli.
truth and nothing but the truth.
@Tahirah, 2. Don’t use my toothbrish and sh*t. We share each other yes but I do not want to share gingivitis, germs, and tht piece of brocoli with u.
you know, while i’ve heard numerous people say shit like this, it’s always struck me as odd considering that people will swap bodily fluids, move downtown kiss afterwards, and then get mad cuz a ninja used your toothbrush?
please explain that to me.
@Panama Jackson,
then get mad cuz a ninja used your toothbrush?
LOLing at Tahirah. I think it’s having second hand broccoli while you very well know you ordered the garden salad
Don’t get into name calling, nothing good ever comes from it.
Don’t have hang out with your friends of the opposite sex. It creates suspicion.
Don’t put family in your business. I don’t need to hear from your boy or your sister about what I need to do and vice versa.
Thats all for now.
@QueenT, Don’t have hang out with your friends of the opposite sex. It creates suspicion.
does this mean period or unless the sig/other knows about it before hand?
@Panama Jackson, Even if they know and sign off, it creates suspicion, especially if he/she used to date the person….
I’ve tried to be cool about SO’s and friends with ex’s..but, deep inside I had a problem with it..and it created suspicion and doubt in my mind…maybe, you just have to be really secure and I wasn’t…but I still stand by my list.
@QueenT,
Most of my friends are female. So my significant other would have to get over it.
@Dash, I should have said ex’s. However, I have a problem with men who have very few male friends and just kick it women all the time….that doesn’t seem healthy to me. That by itself is a red flag……
@QueenT,
I think I have to disagree with not hanging out with friends of the opposite sex. Like ever? I had friends before you, is that supposed to change because I’m in a relationship now? And what’s a relationship without trust? Not that I’m out making new guy friends
while touchin’ my toes in the clubon a regular basis, but there were male friends there before you. Two of my BEST friends are guys and I’m not going to trade my time with them because it makes you uncomfortable. Frankly, I think S.O.’s should be thankful for their mates opposite sex friends. Sometimes it provides insight into the minds of the other sex which can benefit your relationship in the end.@Toni Childs, I have male friends, some are married, some have SO’s, we don’t meet up for drinks and coffee or what not….we keep in touch via phone or the net..it suits me just fine and we are still friends….no love lost.
mutual respect for one another and each others boundaries..all healthy relationships abide by this, whether familial or romantic……
Be honest but don’t use truth as a weapon.
Be compasssionate, kind, empathetic, considerate and selfless when necessary.
Be thoughtful.
and I agree with pretty much all of Panama’s list, cept I don’t really do clubs, I do events, functions etc………
@OrangeStar616,
This is on point.
Don’t be disrespec’ing me.
When couples go to the club together, everyone is worse off. Each one is possessive and jelly. And everyone else in the club has to worry about said jelly boo waiting to crack a ni99gren’s head open for trying to dance with/flirt/buya drank/hollerate.
Here’s what the club *should* be: a place where everyone is fair game for a fun evening that night, there in that place, right at that moment. If s/he doesn’t want to dance/talk/drank/hollerate back, it should be because they just don’t, not because their boo wouldn’t approve. I think the rules of dating ethics bend a little in the club. As long as no bodily fluids are swapped, and no overt palmage or grabbing goes down, it’s all good honest fun and should be allowed.
This sounds like a political platform. I think the New York State Democratic Party needs to holler at me for that Governor’s gig – I think I could win with this.
@Scipio Africanus, as bas as Patterson’s ratings are, you probably could. shit more folks hate than Bush.
trust.
respect.
communicate.
plain and simple.
@Keisha Brown, that’s all grown and sh*t
@Panama Jackson,
thanks! i try. every so often.
i’m still a toys-r-us kid.
6. Do not expect me to be happy to see you all the damn time. There are days when I want to come home to an empty house, a spliff and a bottle of wine all to myself.
7. I do not have to tell you every single detail of my life.
@Pinks,
No, you don’t have to share every single detail of your life, but we also shouldn’t be hanging with your friends or your family and ya’ll start talking about something and I’m lost and everybody’s like, “Oh Pinks didn’t tell you about that?”
“I tried to tell OJ Simpson about this one but some joker named AC Kanye’d me right in the middle of my speech, and well, you all remember how that one ended. The damn Knicks BLEW it against the Rockets in the finals back in 1994″
mi dead!!
Keep your family in check, it’s not my job…
*Your sister who thinks I’m “Funny acting because I talk white”
*Your mom who is 14 years older than us, and asks me the first time I meet her, if we had sex yet, how much money I make a year, and if this is my real hair.
Don’t make our last night’s argument your Facebook status, thinly veiled as a hypothetical question.
That’s it because I’m getting pissed….
@HeLovesMe,
My best friend just filed for seperation because of his wife’s family and her inabilty/refusing to show her family the door. Granted this wasn’t the only issue but it was a major one.
@HeLovesMe,
Dayum. Mom sounds off the tracks for real….lol
@HeLovesMe, LOL @ “don’t make last night’s argument a facebook status, thinly veiled as a “hypothetical” question”
Girl…guilty of that for real. But, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve decided that’s not the best way to handle stuff. Now I blog about it.
@Mo, I haven’t been in a relationship since I’ve been on FB (it saddens me too) but I can understand both the urge to do this as well as all the “no good” that could come from it.
@Yonnie3k,
The urge is VERY real… and yes no good can come out of it… Lol, but to Facebook’s credit there is also the power of an inside joke that can diffuse an otherwise tense situation…
DON’T FORGET THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE!!!
If you’ve ever been caught cheating… or even suspected of possibly having a piece on the side. HIDE THE GRITS!!
If you are a cheating mu fka or have crazy ass spouse that accuses you of looking at the neighbor’s poodle funny. Get rid of the grits, oatmeal, cream of wheat, Malt o Meal.. and all other hot sticky substances that could possibly fuck you up in the shower.
I have a crazy ass girl, so in this house the only breakfast foods that are allowed are cold cereals. That b*tch can throw Raisin Bran at me til the cows come home. Just don’t heat that shit up. hahaha
@Brettandthecity,
Raisin Bran?!?!?!?
*cackles*
@Brettandthecity, Hey, how did you get your pic to go directly to your blog (if someone clicks on it)
@Brettandthecity, You bring up the poodle…again o_O.
@GATribe,
bwaahahaha. i thought i was the only who noticed. he must really like that lil dog. lol
If you are a grown ass man, don’t EVER ask me for any money.
@I’llgiveitatry,
Damn, I cant borrow $20? BUt you can borrow $20 from me? Its like that? smh
@Plain Ole Peyso, Word…everybody need a lil help sometimes
@I’llgiveitatry,
really? even if you’ve been together for a lonnng time? or what if he just doesn’t have cash on hand and wants to buy something from the street vendor in NYC and the atm is alllll the way down the block and there’s a line and he forgot the pin for the actual card that he uses for petty spending?
lol
@Plain Ol Peyso,
The way I was raised, it’s weak ass hell for a dude to ever ask a female for money. From the mouth of my father figure, “If I ever need money, I will never ask my woman. I’ll get it by hook or crook, but I will never ask my woman for money.” His words, not mine.
@Muze & Peyso….I’m not talkin “babe lemme hold $20 for gas money” or “Dude at the barbershop got Brooklyn’s Finest, lemme get $5″. That’s not that big
but I will be expecting my $20 backI’m talking “Man, I need $225 for my car payment” or “I owe Craig $1200, but I need $700, can you help me out?”That just makes me think dude can’t manage his money. If you work everyday like I work and don’t have extreme popups to pay for, what are you doing with your money?
@I’llgiveitatry,
for a dude to ever ask a female for money.
Well, it’s not “a” dude now is it? It’s your significant other… The person you are supposedly building a life with… If that person can’t rely on you when times are hard, then what are y’all doing together in the first place?
@Sula,
S.O. or not, I’ve learned that things get very sticky when money is involved. When you say S.O. do u mean bf/gf/baby daddy scenarios?
If it is my husband, then it would be crazy for us not to have shared finances. In that situation, we are a family. For me to expect whats his to be mines, and whats mines to be mines would not work out.
Now I have been in relationships where I clearly saw my S.O. was struggling w/ a financial matter and I offered financial assistance, and they declined and would not take my money. I’m not that cold. I have also been in situations where someone was trying me by asking me for money for trivial shit.
Me not opening up my wallet for something I feel like a man should be able to handle on his own does not make me unreliable.
@I’llgiveitatry,
“I’m talking “Man, I need $225 for my car payment” or “I owe Craig $1200, but I need $700, can you help me out?” That just makes me think dude can’t manage his money.”
While I understand the sentiment of weaka$$edness in asking a woman for money, I must say that this can go both ways: unless there are some extenuating circumstances, such situations would make me think that my woman can’t manage her money either.
@I’llgiveitatry,
Rule #1 when it comes to my money is that I never lend out money that I’m not prepared to lose. Family and SO get a pass. Random dudes and chicks, not so much.
@I’llgiveitatry, If you are a grown ass man, don’t EVER ask me for any money.
I agree with this rule if this dude is someone you’re dating and not yet officially yours. I had this happen to me before. Mothaflower I was dating asked me to borrow $150 and didn’t want to give it back by saying “it was a gift”. Lucky for me, I saved all evidence and called him to court when I realize he was trying to play me all along…So yea this rule applies for people you are “talking to” or chilling with…
@T,
Maybe I should have made that clear from jump. If we are just dating or bf/gf, that money thing is quite sketch.
However, if you are my husband, then we are a family unit, and our finances would be combined anyways.
That’s just how I see it. I’m not about to be acting like “wifey” on certain fronts w/ someone who I’m dating or is just a bf.
@DG,
Duly noted.
and lol @ mothaflower…
@I’llgiveitatry,
“I’m not about to be acting like “wifey” on certain fronts w/ someone who I’m dating or is just a bf.”
Cosign on this. It helps to distinguish what kinda SO we’re talking ’bout. Spouses/fiances are a whole ‘nother category…
You can’t be expecting spouse privileges when you’re still in gf/bf status…some ppl don’t know their boundaries…
@I’llgiveitatry, That’s just how I see it. I’m not about to be acting like “wifey” on certain fronts w/ someone who I’m dating or is just a bf.
Totally agree…
Panamanian Devil, this post gave me the boost I needed to get through the day. That said, I agree 100% w. the list but see a few more worthy items to add:
- Be honest does not=be all hard-assed/cruel: tell the truth (in private) if you don’t like your S.O.’s cooking/outfit/choice of music/choice of movie etc.., but don’t proceed to make a fool of/ridicule/ call out your S.O. in front of friends/homies/cuzzins ‘n shit just to ‘make a point’.
-Your stank needs to STAY your stank: no I don’t think it’s ‘cute’ to smell your workout musk immediately after a good practice, so don’t rub up on me like an old St.Bernard after the game. SOAP=LOVE.
-ALL grown men and women still LOOK at other grown men and women> and this is ok,,,, as long as it stays at looking: if me and my dude were to lie to each other every summer and say>
“Oh baby, I didn’t even notice that fine piece of ass that looked like [fill in fantabulous male/female fantasy being here] walking down the street”= we’ve either both gone gay, or turned into asexual robots, or Diane Keaton….*shudders
@GeekChicness, Panamanian Devil, this post gave me the boost I needed to get through the day.
glad i could be of some service to you…
Don’t call me out my name.
@SexyCool, Hold up! What if you are in character? Lol just playing
@WuDaMan,
Well….in that case…….
Dang…did I get stuck in moderation?!? <<<<slightly bitter. So I'll repost! lol
My rules are don't ask me about my past unless you want to find out that you're not my first or the best I've ever had, best I've ever had, best I've ever had..
(I thought it was funny the first time around :-/)
Clip your toe nails regularly. Please and thank you. I don’t want tiger stripes up and down my calf.
Don’t compare me to someone from your past, let’s focus on the present please.
Try to be at least midly engaged in some of the things I like, as I will do the same for you.
AND FINGERNAILS! I don’t want them things scratching up my luscious walls of love!
@Anike L?ve, I just had to muffle some serious laughter b/c of you!
However…..I agree!
@LaBakir,
“Clip your toe nails regularly. Please and thank you. I don’t want tiger stripes up and down my calf.”
You don’t want to sleep with Wolverine?
@Humble_One, Hell no! I’m gonna keep that pinky toe to be under control b/c that tends to be the most deadly
@LaBakir,
Is the pinky toe worse than the guy with the coke finger?
@Humble_One, LMAO!!!!
Nah, coke finger is worse b/c that’s always visible.
@LaBakir, @Humble_One,
“Is the pinky toe worse than the guy with the coke finger?
Nah, coke finger is worse b/c that’s always visible.”
This whole exchange sounds like some hopper code from “The Wire”
Great Post Panama. That’s the old pepper sauce @ The ARSONIST. Everybody pay close attention to number 4 quatro.
@WuDaMan, thank you sir. i try every so often to make it do what it do.
Love the list!!
1.)Don’t call my family after an argument and try to tell on me
2.)If you have to come home with the sun stay where you are
3.) And if I have a day off don’t call me every hour to see “what I’m doing now”.
hmmm
do not be overly jealous or insecure. it’s a repellent for me.
believe me when i say something; take it for face value. i am not speaking in ‘code’ and i love you does not mean i’m still pissed about that argument from last week when you said i don’t say it enough.
do not try to deter my writing time. we won’t work. understand that it is akin to breathing to me and as such is a must.
do not let me walk all over you, intentionally or unintentionally. please. it is also a repellent. lol.
give lots of hugs. lol. i swear there is almost nothing more soothing than a manhug. check the data, it’s been tested. lol
do not expect of me, what you are not willing. and i don’t mean traditional gender roles like cooking, etc… i mean if you expect me to either join you in marvel or leave you alone while you watch UFC, be prepared to do the same when Gossip Girl comes on. yep.
@Muze,
“do not expect of me, what you are not willing. and i don’t mean traditional gender roles like cooking, etc… i mean if you expect me to either join you in marvel or leave you alone while you watch UFC, be prepared to do the same when Gossip Girl comes on. yep.”
Cosign 100%
“do not try to deter my writing time. we won’t work. understand that it is akin to breathing to me and as such is a must.”
I had a similar issue with this. I use to like to be in a certain setting when I studied and my ex did not understand that. She would figure out all type of ways for me to be around her while I studied. This really bothered me. Why can’t you let me go into my cave and do me? I’ll be over to see you later.
@Humble_One,
right. i understand the want and need to be around each other, but i mean… 2 hours of uninterrupted me-time isn’t asking a lot i don’t think.
@Muze, believe me when i say something; take it for face value.
THIS!! I cannot tell you how much it urks me when someone tries to tell me what I mean or what I feel. When they try to decode men. NO MUFUGGA!! Listen to what I’m saying to you!! Ugh!
I’m going to need a little trust and benefit of the doubt. If I didn’t answer my phone, don’t assume that I’m out doing dirt. Talk to me, then decide if you feel you need to cop an attitude.
Don’t give me an ultimatum. Pride is a mofo; you will lose.
If I said something that could be taken offensively, rest assurred that I meant no offense by it. If I meant to offend you with what I said, you will have no doubt that I meant to offend you. Otherwise, it was innocent mis-speak.
If you said you are going to do something, please do it, or let me know in advance that you won’t be doing it…not at the last minute.
Sidenote to the above: know that when we agree to meet at 11:30 for lunch I consider it like a verbal contract. Chances are I’ll be there at 11:10 to be on the waiting list so you won’t have to wait when you get there. I don’t expect you to be as anal-retentive as me; I’ll give you until 11:35. If you are going to be late please call (and not as a habit / every time). Know that 11:45 is unacceptable without calling first. Otherwise, I can’t trust you to do what you agreed to.
@Caballeroso,
Lawd! Men and their weirdo timekeeping habits. It’s
taken metaking me a while to figure out that 11.30 does not mean “any time starting 11.30″. And that 11.29 means you’re early and 11.31 means you’re late. In my defense, I’ve stopped saying “Hey at least I got the a.m. part right” as it wasn’t funny the first time or the following threehundredtimes after that. I’m a work in progress, what can I say?@wwwwwwwwoosah, yeah, i’d probably fight you.
time is one thing i do not play with.
@Caballeroso,
Sidenote to the above: know that when we agree to meet at 11:30 for lunch I consider it like a verbal contract. Chances are I’ll be there at 11:10 to be on the waiting list so you won’t have to wait when you get there. I don’t expect you to be as anal-retentive as me; I’ll give you until 11:35. If you are going to be late please call (and not as a habit / every time). Know that 11:45 is unacceptable without calling first. Otherwise, I can’t trust you to do what you agreed to.
*breaks the letters: C O S I G N on her keyboard.
With SOOOO many ways to communicate (call, text, bbm, IM, email, pay phones..(wait do they still make payphones?) you can’t tell me you are late? and there is a difference between lateness not in your control (accident, day-after-tomorrow monsoon) as opposed to LEAVING late. and those people KNOW who they are…
whew. breathing…. nothing gets an event planner going than messing with a schedule. time = money. period.
@Caballeroso,
“If I said something that could be taken offensively, rest assurred that I meant no offense by it. If I meant to offend you with what I said, you will have no doubt that I meant to offend you. Otherwise, it was innocent mis-speak.”
man o man. i’m not in a relationship, but i know someone who has said this to me a thousand times. lol.
“If you said you are going to do something, please do it, or let me know in advance that you won’t be doing it…not at the last minute.”
…and this. lol. calls me “the girl of empty promises.” sigh. hurts mi feelings.
guess i need to work on it. lol
@Caballeroso,
Why am I not surprised… Lol! Engineers… *rolleyes*
@Sula,
Whats wrong with engineers? We aren’t as bad as artists.
We can’t be living together and your mama still does your laundry…
I need some validation on this one cause I’m constantly made to look as if I’m crazy for saying this…
Thoughts?
@Lo, He needs to get on with that nonsense. Any grown man past the age of 16 (ok maybe 18) that does not know how to do laundry gets a big o_O, it is not cute…a man that can take care of himself is chexy and makes me want to do all in my power to take care of him better than he can. Mama is doing your laundry, Mama will probably be all up in your business, Mama will be in my marriage affairs…no thank you.
@Lo,
i broke up with a dude who was not self-sufficient. i loved him and he treated me like gold..but could not cook, clean, lauder for himself. i couldn’t move to another country to become someone’s momma! even if it was living away from home while in school with roomies, there is something to be said for the growth that happens when you have to do for yourself..
@Lo,
OMG cosiiiiign!
been there, done that. neva eva again.
…she was still buying his drawers and asking which i liked, let alone washing them. omg the thought just makes me shudder now.
@Lo, thign is…how does that happen? like what happens when you questioned him about this?
or have you?
maybe you should just do his laundry. lol.
Be able to deal with being given a lot of space, and giving me a lot of space. I don’t need anyone up under me constantly.
Enjoy silence.
Don’t cry wolf. If something is not an emergency or serious calamity don’t hype it up like it is. That gets you tuned out.
My past is my past. Asking about it will more than likely get your feelings hurt.
When the Cowboys are playing tis best not to disturb me.
@Dash, with the exception of the Cowboys thing, this list is that gospel….”slow clap”
@DG,
isn’t a slow clap a sarcastic clap?
have i been applauding people in the wrong manner?? lol.
@Keisha Brown,
No, the slow clap (in its purest form) was a cinematic tactic made popular in the mid 80′s in such movies as ‘Teen Wolf’ and ‘Sixteen Candles’(and other John Hughes-esque films). It was often used to signify rousing approval and support of the protagonist of the film, usually in his/her accomplishment or success over seemingly insurmountable odds.
@Dash,
“Be able to deal with being given a lot of space, and giving me a lot of space. I don’t need anyone up under me constantly.”
My girlies constantly say I think like a guy for this one…but seriously. GET A LIFE (or atleast something to occupy your time when I’m not around). I know that was not the politest way to say it, but it’s what I mean. I don’t expect to be there for your every breath. And how much do we have to talk about if we are together for ever moment? Leave, go, come back with a story to tell! (sorry for the rant, this one is just one of my ‘peeves)
“When the Cowboys are playing tis best not to disturb me”
Can we agree to take turns re-filling the chips and dip and grabbing the next beer. You don’t want to miss a play…and neither do I!
@Dash,
Don’t cry wolf. If something is not an emergency or serious calamity don’t hype it up like it is. That gets you tuned out.
You know, this should be extended to ALL human relationships. A store running out of shoes your size, does not an emergency make. And for God’s sake do not EVER text someone with “911!!! CALL ME!!!!!” over wardrobe malfunctions, relationship hiccups, or if you’re 2.5 hours late and you think you might be pregnant. You’ll be sent straight to voicemail from that point on.
I didn’t read the comments so excuse me if this was posted already, but I have to say this one rule could single-handedly stop 95% of arguments before they begin. What am I talking about? Absolutely, positively, without question….NO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh, nothing is worse than this f-king sequence right here:
Me: You sure you’re okay? You keep saying you’re fine, but your actions are telling me something different.
Him: Naw, I’m good.
Me: Well, if you have something to say, I’m open to hearing it.
Him: Okay….
We go on about our day and then I hear from SOMEONE ELSE why he was livid about something I said to him. I confront him, and he says this BS, “yeah, I was mad, but I didn’t feel like telling you about it.”
After a little more than a year of that type of childish behavior, I left him. And he had the nerve to wonder why. I actually wrote out a list of things I felt were wrong with the relationship (from both parties) and READ IT to him so that he couldn’t have said he didn’t know why I left.
Never again. If I ask what is wrong or any question, I expect an honest answer. Even if that answer is “I don’t f-king feel like talking about it right now”, then so be it. But, to say “it’s all good” when it’s obviously not makes me see red. Nothing is worse than trying to communicate with someone who acts like a child. Passive aggressive behavior is the first cousin to bitchassness!
@Mo, I sooooo agree with this. That pisses me off as well. I hate having to guess at what made you upset. He’s sitting around with a stank attitude but refuses to say ish. Like I’m just supposed to guess what made you mad.
@Mo,
this is such a female thing to do, and it irks me to no end. luckily i don’t deal with those type of men anymore. but ugh.
@Muze, YES! That’s why I say it’s the first cousin to bitchassness. I mean, what man does this? Apparently the one I just left. It made me question his whole entire being as a man. The men I’m used to deal with are straight up and honest. That whole quality of “I’m gonna tell my friends and gossip about it and not tell you” is what middle school girls do.
Like someone else said, I was tired of talking about what real ninjas do…so I had to leave and find one.
I think #4 needs a disclaimer; oral lov’n is expected when you’re regularly groomed and smellin’ so fresh and so clean. Stressin’ the latter for the men….please baby, lscrub that soap on there, let it settle in all your natural goodness, rinse and repeat.
1) don’t touch my ish (this includes my model cars, magazine subscriptions, sneakers, and CDs) . I don’t care if you feel it doesn’t belong where it is. If you don’t like it tell me and we can negotiate a place that satisfies both of us.
1a) don’t touch any electronics that you are not familiar with
2) don’t ask me to do anything that you are not willing to do yourself.
3) don’t tell me what Rico the drug kingpin from the east side or DeJuan the blue collar ninja use to do for you. If the did all of that go back to them and leave me alone.
4) if you are not happy with something address it immediately.
5) love your partner the way she wants to be loved. In other words learn her love language. And she should learn yours.
6) do not use sex as a tool to punish, bribe, etc.
I got a few more but I think this is enough for now.
@Humble_One,
The worst thing in the world is for you to come home and try to use your seemingly indestructible GE Electric Roaster only to find out that it has been broken, and the person who broke it tries to make it seem like you did it.
@Humble_One,
you had me at 2,3,4, and 5. lol.
1 and 2 seem a little stingy. dang. …and i’m the type to pick something up just to see what you will do if i do. hehe. juvenile? maybe. but you can only do that to a man who loves you and will just give you the stern face and overlook it. lol
@Muze,
okay.. apparently i meant 1a and 1b seem a little stingy. lol.
i’m not slow i promise.
@Muze,
“1 and 2 seem a little stingy. dang. …and i’m the type to pick something up just to see what you will do if i do. hehe. juvenile? maybe. but you can only do that to a man who loves you and will just give you the stern face and overlook it. lol”
Do you have all of your fingers? You are right about the “stern face” but you have to get in good before you pull that move off.
@Humble_One,
“1) don’t touch my ish (this includes my model cars, magazine subscriptions, sneakers, and CDs) . I don’t care if you feel it doesn’t belong where it is. If you don’t like it tell me and we can negotiate a place that satisfies both of us.”
Talk about it Hoss. Please don’t comment on what magazines I read or what CDs I listen too either.
“4) if you are not happy with something address it immediately.
If you get mad on Monday, it’s best you say it on Monday. If you approach me with your issue on Thurday you may get ignored while I walk away shaking my head with the snarled Josey Wales face.
@Wuyoung Agent of M.E., Completely co-sign on number 4. I cannot stand when people just don’t own up to what they are feeling WHEN THEY ARE FEELING IT. Yes, everyone is different, but dammit…if you didn’t like the way I looked at you when you said “boo” on Monday, then it serves you and me best to address it Monday…instead of you thinking about til Friday and blowing up cuz the toasty oats are gone.
@Humble_One,
don’t touch my ish …
don’t touch any …
don’t ask me to …
don’t tell me what …
do not use …
um…is there anything a woman CAN do when she’s with you? And why you gotta be so tight with your stuff? (smile)
@Ivyette,
“um…is there anything a woman CAN do when she’s with you?”
don’t touch my ish …(I don’t need people putting chicken grease on my stuff)
don’t touch any …(depends on what you want to touch)
don’t ask me to …(depends on what you want to touch)
don’t tell me what …(depends on what you’re telling me to do)
“And why you gotta be so tight with your stuff? (smile)”
I’m not tight with my stuff. I have no problem sharing. Just don’t break, stain, or leave my stuff smelly.
@Humble_One,
That second one should be (depends on what your asking me to do)
@Humble_One, 5) love your partner the way she wants to be loved. In other words learn her love language. And she should learn yours.
I guess I’m gonna need to read this book before I get in my next relationship.
One rule for me that must be agreed upon prior to entering into a monogamous relationship with me is …
If you are mad at me, or I am mad at you, and I still want to have sex with you, sex needs to happen. That doesn’t mean I am no longer mad at you tho.
@Cheryl,
“If you are mad at me, or I am mad at you, and I still want to have sex with you, sex needs to happen. That doesn’t mean I am no longer mad at you tho.”
My name is Humble_One and I approve this message.
*although I am guilty of doing this in the past*
Yes, I text, but we need to have face to face contact. We need to be able to talk on the phone. You will not court me using text messages. Keeping me at a distance doesn’t make you any more interesting.
@Ivyette,
AAAAAAAAAAAAmennnnn
*though, as a member of the crackberry family, i do txt more than i phone..bad habit (#nomaxwell)
I’ve got a question for the fellas: If, after you ask about a woman’s past, she reveals that she has been involved intimately with a male friend/acquaintance of yours in the past (think: “For Love of Ray J ‘She Smashed a Homey’ “), is this an ultimate deal breaker? Assuming you didn’t know before hand of course!
@Anike L?ve,
Deal. Breaker.
I think a man would feel better if a stranger or dude he has never met or seen (or seen on TV) had sampled the entree before one of his boys. And knowing men – your boy would have told you about it way before you even met and liked the chick.
@Anike L?ve,
Yes this is a deal breaker. The only thing that may change is if he smashed in high school or something. No dudes wants to know that one of his boys has been with his woman. Especially since he probably told him how and when he smashed her. This is one of those situations that happens when you only date within a certain circle, group, or crowd.
@ Monk,
Regarding you’re 2:21 :
“Hopefully, you’d deem your future significant other significant enough to build that trust where you’ll feel comfortable about it.”
One can only predict what they’d do…so I guess this remains to been seen. It was done once, I’m sure I can do it again with the right one.
“And of course I’m not talking about trivial things such as how one’s mate “put it down”, c’mon now. I’m just a believer in that a relationship is between two people (unless one is into other things…lol!) so certain things of an intimate (not just sexual) nature shouldn’t be discussion material for my woman and her girlfriend in the same way I’d respect her privacy and not tell my boy a play-by-play on everything that goes on in our relationship. That’s just being an adult.”
Man, it seems to me like we were saying the same thing, really. It just depends on how one interprets what’s being said/posted.
I’d say a relationship rule I have is reveal your crazy sooner rather than later. I can deal with a lot of stuff, but I’d rather not find out at the end of a relationship that you’re certifiably insane. Everyone is crazy,or off in their own ways, just define and accept yours, or change it. For instance, if you have mother issues, let’s take two of these and talk it out,but acting like you’re cool when you’re not, nah.
Don’t turn into the FBI.
I broke off an engagement to due this (among his other insecurities).
I hate it when a man quizzes you about life, my life, etc.
Example: We’ve had a wonderful evening, hell, WEEK, and on Sunday night after dinner, he starts saying things like, “you know, on Monday you made this comment about blah blah blah, that really bothered me” What exactly did you mean by that? Why did you use that word instead of this word”? Yeah, crazy sh$t, like that. It’s like, if something is bothering you, bring it up at that moment, not 6 days from now. Don’t quiz me on my life, bringing up random hypothetical questions while I’m on the couch reading a book, at peace. In other words, don’t try to mindf%$k me, you will only succeed in getting left at the airpot. Ok?
airport, that is! Ha!!!
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*Now, by all means I’m not the perfect guy and do have many faults of my own. So read this with a grain of salt.
Hmm, rules. . .
1. You cannot on a weekly basis tell me how you worry about me cheating on you. I’m not, but hearing it all the time makes me truly wonder what you really think about me.
2. You cannot on a weekly basis tell me you are afraid I will leave you for someone thinner, smarter, etc. First, hearing this all the time starts to make me wonder myself why I’m dating you. I thought you were pretty, smart, and fun. But if you’re going out of your way to convince me there is someone better, I may start to think it – my advice – keep it to yourself. Since you already fish for compliments as well, it’s not as if you’re doing a good job hiding your concern.
3. On that end, if I want to have a conversation about where I see the relationship going and I express sentiments indicating that I’m unsure whether we will last – if your only response is immediate anger and accusation, instead of at least allowing some discussion as to how we could resolve issues, you cannot expect it will go away. What you can expect is that I will learn to stop bringing it up.
4. You have to make some effort in participating in things I like, eating places I want, etc. Asking me “what movie do you want to watch?” then saying “No” to all my choices except the one you wanted anyway in my mind is just the same as me not making a choice at all. Hint, sometimes I may say “we’ll just do what you want”, however the times I actually do bring up that we never actually choose things I would have wanted, this is a hint that it is time for you to suck it up. Do you really believe I just so happen to totally love everything you are into?
5. I know I’m a man, but I’m no longer 18 and working long hours and not sleeping means once a month, there will be a day where I’m not so interested in sex. It is not because I don’t want to have sex, it is because I’m afraid I will fall asleep in the middle or just can’t perform. Given that we have at least 7-10 days each month when you turn me down w/o any complaints from me, I’d appreciate the once a month I do the same that I not be accused of getting it on the side or there being a problem.
If you are a minority of any kind please read this article @ pureblacktruth.wordpress.com and I promise you will not be disappointed.
@JessKnowsBest I agree, but if the issue isn’t resolved st least you both were willing to work and that should help get rid of some of the anger before going to bed. The first 5 are musts and I don’t think many of us can hang if someone tries to drop one of them.