Just like India.Arie…except a whole lot cuter.
Anyway, as a service to the world-wide community, we here at Very Smart Brothas are in the business of dispensing k-nowledge to the masses. We’re kind of like P-tolemy, or dark k-nights who wield sw-ords.
Anybody else wonder why we waste so many letters in the English language? Seriously, is that “w” necessary in the word “swords”? Methinks not.
But I digress. Our goal is to help those who need help getting through the humdrum and conundrumtastic endeavor of everyday living. And with all of that fluff said , our real goal is to help you realize when your relationship has indeed, bit the damn dust. As in its over. As in you can stick a fork in it…because its done. The Champ and I each will provide you 5 ways you can tell your relationship is Hillary Clinton.
Ouch again. Without further ado…
10 Ways To Know That Your Relationship Has Hit The Skids
1) The only time your bf/gf faces you while in bed is when you’re actually humping and then only out of obligation since you’re, ya know, humping and not looking them in the face at all would just be rude.
2) Your bf/gf would rather fly solo to things that just seem much better suited for two people, like sex. Or double dutch. Or hell, playing on a see-saw. Anytime your bf/gf doesn’t view you as the total BFF, then you should probably start saying to yourself, WTF?
3) When the cute things you used to do start to annoy the living f*ck out of them. You need an example don’t you. Okay, so say they used to find it cute that you constantly tripped over every 4th step on any staircase in the world because it made you quirky and different. Now? They just think you’re a clumsy f*ck. Hmm…that actually sucks in more than one way. Which might actually make your case better, if you could suck in more than one way, but you probably can’t, so you’re just a clumsy f*ck which is held against you twice. If that made any sense to you whatsoever, you’re probably drinking with me right now since I’m writing this from a nightclub in Washington, DC.
4) If you’re a dude and your chick starts asking you about your ambition in life, you’re on the way out. It means she thinks you have none. You have become useless to her except as a talking sex toy. And even then she might get a B.O.B. If you’re a man and have no clue what a B.O.B. is, she’s too good for you anyway.
5) If you’re a chick and your man starts asking about one of your homegirls more than he should, well he already wants to sleep with her, but now he just might do it. And she’ll probably let him because he was good enough for you, so by default, he must be alright…until he isn’t. Doesn’t matter though, you’re on the way out anyway. You might as well woosah, b*tch, because much like Sam Cooke, a change is gonna come. Except you’ll still be alive after your change. Sam? Not so much. Once again…ouch!
THE CHAMP’S LIST:
1. the usual chivalrous post-coital warm and slightly damp towel has been replaced by a box of kleenex frisbee-d at your head
2. any and every member of the opposite sex you happen to meet, from bus drivers to waitresses to your cousin’s indirectly unattractive friend to neighbors to your parole officer to the nighttime bouncer at the 24-hour wendy’s is sexier and more intriguing than your significant other
3. you start taking serious inventory of all the items (clothes, dvds, etc) in your apartment that belong to your significant other, and fantasize about the day you can sell them on craigslist your apartment will be completely rid of them
4. two words: dutch outings
5. “OHHH *insert name here*” is replaced by “dammit n-gga, you done yet?”
Play along with us. How do YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU know when a relationship is headed for the dumps?