Relationship Downfall Week: Say Heffa Say What?

Posted on 6 May, 2008 by Panama Jackson

One of my favorite saying is this: Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of f*cking her.

That statement alludes to myriad things and quite possibly unlocks the keys to the male/female universe, similar to how Kurt Cobain’s lyrics were the key to everlasting life, which is why James Earl Ray was re-hired to force him to commit suicide in 1994.

It alludes to a woman’s ability to maintain herself, usually to keep her man happy, which means that the woman is sacrificing her time and energy remaining who the man wants her to be. And as most will tell you, women are nurturers and sacrificers for the greater good of a relationship—or at least definitely moreso than men. On the other half of comma, it alludes to man’s roaming nature and inability to recognize and hold on to a good thing while he has it.

Face it, she won’t be beautiful for long. If anything, he’s tired of smurfing her way to soon. He should at least wait to be tired of smurfing her when she looks like the veggie section of the grocery store.

Men are impatient and prone to cheating. Men are unable to recognize a good thing while we have it. We don’t recognize the hard-work and sacrifice of women. Men basically suck.

And for this reason men are usually at fault when relationships go bad. If he just tried harder to do what he said he’d do or gave her a little more time and treated her like the queen that she is, she wouldn’t be the bitter bitch beauty queen that she is today.

It’s thinking like this that is just downright screwing up relationships left and right with the speed of a 2-second man. As a man growing up with three sisters, I’ve heard how much men suck and how all of their problems are rooted in some man’s inability to “just damn act right.” That’s all it takes. Just act right and all will be well.

Fiddlesticks and bullocks. Fact is that men suck. I know. I am man. Grr.

But I have to wonder why women never really take any credit for tanking the very relationships that they claim would be just fine if the man did what?

Class???

Act right.

If you let the magazines tell it, all women walk into relationships baggage-free and ready to tackle the world anew and be every woman like Chaka Khan. Truth is, many women are more like Whitney. So how come when (if) things go South it’s always the man driving the car? I actually want to know why women don’t claim ownership of any bad relationship they’ve ever been apart of.

Admittedly, men aren’t perfect and a lot of us have a lot to learn. It’s true. But how is it that women are all perfect until a man comes into the picture and kicks dirt in your sandbox. Let’s take it one step further. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Women are crazy. Some men just tend to expose your craziness more than others-but the crazy is there.

Yet, somehow, you only keyed his car because he didn’t act right. How in the hell does him not doing what he said he’d do justify taking out a windshield?

I’ve had a chick tell me she couldn’t get into Heaven without me by her side.

That is insane. So how come I think there’s a chick out there who would think that was sweet and that I should appreciate having that woman by my side?

Because a chick DID tell me that.

Why come she doesn’t realize that’s a reason to run?

And how come when she tells her friends that we broke up, it’s my fault that relationship tanked?

I believe it was the great philosopher Jadakiss who said it best…

…why?

-PANAMA

http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

These things are complicated. A lot of us are still going through periods of self discovery and realization. We are learning things about ourselves that we didn’t think was important before, we are realizing that certain behaviors and activities just don’t work well.

My last LTR started when we were roughly 19 and ended about 3.5 years later. We definitely changed a lot during that time but the impending graduation and us realizing that what we individually wanted for our lives at the time was not compatible ultimately led to the end of the relationship.

Certainly, there was some BS from both of us. I’m sure if we wanted, we could easily cast blame on each other and point to certain issues being why the relationship ended. But I know otherwise and hope she does too.

When you let yourself dwell on excuses like that, and not the truth – that ones values, outlook, plans, religion, desires, just didn’t match up, then you can become bitter about potential future relationships and it’s easy to lump all men or women into some category.

That being said, I’m sure there are crazy people out there on both sides so what I’ve said here may not apply to all situations. (this is a full 2 cents Champ).
EE

It takes two people to have a relationship but only one person to f*** it up–whether it be the man or the woman.
http://www.jarrodhalsey.com Jarrrod Halsey

“Men are impatient and prone to cheating. Men are unable to recognize a good thing while we have it. We don’t recognize the hard-work and sacrifice of women. Men basically suck.”

I think its funny that when we men admit out faults, women are quick to co-sign and even commend said men for adimitting to the faults. But the second we point out women’s faults, we get hit with the same line “You can’t generalize all women that way.”

Interesting.
- http://www.verysmartbrothas.com Panama
  
  Tell it.
http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

“I actually want to know why women don’t claim ownership of any bad relationship they’ve ever been apart of.”

ummm…yeah. me too. i think we’ll be waiting forever for this answer though
- Ms. Freckles
  
  @ The Champ – The women you are speaking of when you say they “don’t claim ownership of any bad relationship they’ve ever been apart of” are more than likely filled with an ego that will not allow them to show their faults to others which is why they don’t take ownership of their part. It’s a sign of vulnerability and they more than likely don’t want to portray anything outside of being “a great woman” when it comes to others. To avoid judgement SOME women will make it as though they were the victim and the man was the rat-bastard that betrayed and hurt them.
  - Wise Diva
    
    Yep, Ms. Freckles beat me to it. I was going to say ego, for sure. To add another angle to the ego being a reason, we don’t like to think that we chose wrong, overlooked red flags, or wasted time, so it’s much easier to play the martyr, the victim, the delicate flower who was just ripped from a field of daisies by some brute *eyeroll*. We definitely play our roles in the demise of a relationship, whether we want to woman up or admit it or not.
  - http://www.verysmartbrothas.com Panama
    
    As happy as I am that you all are wise enough to know that women’s ego plays a large part in it…how come that sentiment won’t play outside of this forum?
    
    Very rarely, and I mean RARELY, have I come across women who actually say, “you know what? that was on me…” or “you know, I just didn’t work hard enough”
    
    And I’ve spoken to leagues of women at length about that. 9 times out of 10, when this convo comes up, it always ends up with what a man isn’t doing to keep his relationship and that we’ll realize it when we lost our good woman.
    
    This makes no sense to me.
    - Wise Diva
      
      so you are saying that women should shout that I effed that up, as much as, if not more than, when we declare men ain’t shit?
      
      so, our dating fuckups need better PR?
      - http://www.verysmartbrothas.com Panama
        
        No. Though that it is funny. I think that in any conversation with women about their prior relationships, its always the assumption that if not for the man, you all would be in wedded bliss and we all know that shit ain’t true.
        
        You know, this brings up another point. Basically, if not for men and their fuck-ups, you all would be married to the first man you entered into a relationship with, right?
        
        I do think that women need to take more ownership for the demise of a relationship that didn’t directly involve cheating and outright disrespect.
        
        Teacia
        
        Well to answer your question probably so…and here’s why. Women are more tolerable than men are. We love every ounce of you, even the part of you that ain’t shit. Men on the other hand don’t want to be bothered with something or someone who annoys them.
        
        If men did understand our plight and how we think and how to relate to us and respect us appropriately, I do think more women would be married…maybe not this woman but definitely more women.
        
        I do agree though that women are just as trifling if not more trifling than some men and it is not always the fault of men.
        
        And I strongly believe that the women race as a whole could put this shit on lock if we just tightened up. But those days are long behind us, with the fierce competition in dating, women are doing just about anything to get and keep a man these days. Which is in turn ruining it for the rest of you who hold our men to traditionally higher standards.
        
        http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
        
        WHOA NELLY! hold your nuptial horses! as a happily divorced individual…I will be the first to admit that marriage isn’t for everyone! now in my case…I played my part in the demise of a marriage that should have never come to fruition to begin with…real talk, what GOD put together, let no man put asunder…but what MAN put together? BURN BABY BURN! I hate when I hear a woman romanticize a less that savory connection and pretend like she wasn’t following him from work in her homegirl’s car, with a hoodie and shades on in the middle of the night! Most of the time the relationship lacked healthy trust, communication, and balance, so it was gonna die eventually anyway…be honest!
        
        “That relationship died, for you to be born, you worth more…Than anything you could cop in a store…For you to grow he had to go so what you stoppin him for?” (Common)
        
        I am a male advocate…and while I agree that boys with men tendencies tend to sour the feminine genus on the shullbit and shenanigans of the former…I am a firm believer in the idea that good brothers with this mystical power of “act right” exist…
        
        My biggest dilemma is…WTF is “act right”? I mean it’s different things for different people…knee grows watch too much BET! We all want a healthy, balanced, loving, respectful relationship…something SUCCESSFUL! The deal is folks, “success” for one, may not equate “success” for the other…like the potential baby daddy list at Maury Povich…every single person is different…
        
        I am a sister with “act right” when I am in a ree…relay…relayshun…ah hell I can’t even type it…LOL, but you know what I mean…it would be a tragic notion believe that those of us that have learned some genuine life lessons (the hard way) are out here alone treading water in the sea of Joey Greco’s claim to fame! (BTW cheating is NOT the ONLY reason to leave a relationship, but I digress) I know there are men that have been through something real…and when you try and fail and learn from it…
        
        “THE BULLSHIT YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH BECOMES FERTILIZER FOR YOU TO GROW!” (OMG)
        
        My theory is that GROWNUPS learn from their romantic (and platonic) triumphs and tribulations and apply them to the next song on life’s soundtrack! hence…”act right” GOOD, ACTING RIGHT brothers and sisters exist…I mean I ain’t never seen a million dollars, but I know that ish is real…right?
        
        I won’t go as far to paint all men with the same “act right” deficient brush, because I don’t want that brush on me…but I feel you…newsflash, a lot of us women ain’t shit either…(chew on that!) I prefer a man that has a few miles on him and some life experience under his belt…I take comfort in it!
        
        **this concludes my dissertation…you may now return to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress!
        
        http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant
        
        “mystical powers of ‘act right’”
        
        -gotta love it
    - Treezy F. Baby
      
      “Very rarely, and I mean RARELY, have I come across women who actually say, “you know what? that was on me…” or “you know, I just didn’t work hard enough””
      
      I realize that this may be applicable to some relationships and not others, but this is one scenario of why women don’t and should take the blame. So going back to your whole first admission that women are nurturers claim…
      
      Women only go crazy when they’ve overextended their womanly nurturing tendencies to men who never deserved it in the first place and what a woman should own up to is that she shouldn’t have given so much of herself to anyone so quickly when she didn’t really know their intentions. So when said woman feels she’s given of herself…its true, she can never feel that she didn’t “work hard enough”…I’d say she worked TOO hard in fact trying to nurture a relationship that is not really for her to nurture.
      
      Women need to accept the blame that they USE their nurturing/womanly wiles to try to MANIPULATE a man into loving them. Sometimes, we need to kick back do the man thing, not pay any attention to him, shit, play some video games and really see if this relationship and this person is for us and if he really wants us and loves us like that. Minus all this mama-replacement ish we do. Because women will spend so much time doing busy work trying to manipulate, nurture, cook him breakfast, wash his clothes, co-sign for his car to MAKE a wedding happen that we don’t even spend enough time contemplating if this person is truly worth all that. This is where we go wrong! Sometimes, our gut tells us and we are dumb enough to not listen. Take the blame there too. The fact is most women know when for whatever the reason, incompatibility, different values, wrong timing, long before it happens that the relationship would end. She should blame herself for not protecting her heart.
      
      And for the record, I’m speaking in my abstract universal woman voice, cause I have myself never felt compelled to act crazy on any man (keyed car, etc.) And I personally think that the end of a relationship means that it “just wasn’t meant to be.” Also I try to put a limit on my nurturing men who aren’t my best friends or relatives or soon-to-be relatives (husband). But seeing how it is such a frequent occurrence for women to trip out, I’m not above assuming that one day I maybe perhaps snowballs-chance-in-hell will act in a crazy manner over some dude.
      
      NAAAAAAAAAAAH!
- Teacia
  
  Well, I’ll be the first to let everyone know that I’m a self sabotager and it has nothing to do with ego.
  
  I have serious abandonment issues a.k.a. “daddy issues”. My mother and father were married as I was growing up and still are for that matter, but my dad has lived a seperate life from his family.
  
  So when things start getting a little rocky and I see the nearest exit sign, I dip out. I either do something heinous or crazy to make them want to bounce or I just say fuck it and move on.
  
  I don’t know, I guess I don’t ever want to be left so I leave first. I have been engaged 6 times, well 7 but I only got 6 rings and yes they were all different men. But I found a reason to not settle, and I still to this day look for the nearest exit sign when things are going as I would like for them to.
  
  Honestly, in some instances…maybe in most, it is the fault of the man because I play no games. I’m real and I tell you what I’m thinking ALWAYS. I don’t hint, I don’t do embarrassed and I’m a freak( quietly) so I have no problem in the dating scene. But I’m a keep it moving kind of chic these days…not to say that’s a good thing but it is what it is and I have no quams about that.
  
  My family thinks I have committment issues..DUH…but so what. I am sure that one day I will meet a man who gives me a sense of security and interests me spritually, mentally, PHYSICALLY and emotionally. But I’m not holding my breath, nor am I pouting about it.
  - http://www.verysmartbrothas.com Panama
    
    Ya know, I have a theory on chicks with commitment issues.
    
    A woman can only have commitment issues if she has the potential for options.
    
    Namely, ugly heffas shouldn’t have commitment issues.
    
    Doesn’t really relate to your comment, but I just thought I’d share my theory.
    - Teacia
      
      Well considering I’m absolutely gorgeous you’re theory just may be on point.
      
      But who knows…
    - http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
      
      I’ve heard that too…it also ties into that famous Southern saying…
      
      “if you want to be happy in your life…
      never make a prtty woman your wife…
      if you want joy your whole life through…
      find an ugly woman to take care of you!”
      - Treezy F. Baby
        
        That’s why that fool went back to Alabama! LOL. See whatta dummy I would be for blaming myself for that relationship’s demise! LOL.
  - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
    
    “hold your nuptial horses!!!”
    
    …another t-shirt
    - Ana B
      
      comedy…but I would buy it
  - Heather
    
    Hey Teacia! I saw your posting and I had to comment. I have a really interesting and exciting opportunity if you’re interested… I promise it’s for real Please e-mail me at heather@gogoluckey.com for more information!
- http://www.tiffanybbrown.com/ tiffany
  
  who said we don’t?
  
  pointing out an ex’s faults doesn’t mean we don’t understand our part in it. it just means that we’re mad at him for not acting in accordance with our version of “right.”
Ms. Freckles

The only reason most men think that women are crazy is because men do not understand the woman’s thought process. It’s easier to say “she is crazy” rather than trying to figure out where she is coming from and what HE did to provoke the “craziness”.

Bottomline is that both men and women have things that the opposite sex will never understand no matter how much they think they know.

I may even go as far as to say men may be even more “crazy” for lack of a better term than women are. They simply don’t vocalize it as much as women do. Women in general are much better communicators….men on the other hand will not tell you that instead of coming to get his clothes out your house that he’s going to slice your neck instead. Women will let you know they will “mess you up” prior to doing it…but it’s up to the man to listen.

Just my $0.01
- http://www.verysmartbrothas.com Panama
  
  Ms. Freckles – thank you for this comment. I have so many qualms with what you said I’m going to outline them:
  
  1) It’s easier to say “she is crazy” rather than trying to figure out where she is coming from and what HE did to provoke the “craziness”.
  
  Hmm…this was my point exactly. Somehow, her acting like a damn fool is completely in response to whatever a man did. Is it possible that maybe this particlar woman isn’t emotionally stable or her baggage has fucked her up in a way that she overreacts or jumps to conclusions unnecessarily? We all know women (and men) as well who do that. Though with men we expect it, but women are only reacting to what a man makes her do.
  
  Men are clearly God.
  
  2) I may even go as far as to say men may be even more “crazy” for lack of a better term than women are. They simply don’t vocalize it as much as women do.
  
  Hmm…are you really saying that men hold our crazy in? We are in so much control of our instabilities that we can just hold onto our nutcasedness so that women look bad and we look in control? Yeah, methinksnot. Crazy doesn’t get contained. It erupts.
  
  3) Women in general are much better communicators….men on the other hand will not tell you that instead of coming to get his clothes out your house that he’s going to slice your neck instead.
  
  Ya know, I actually don’t think that women are better communicators, en mass. I think women want to talk more about feelings but it doesn’t mean that actual communication of usable information occurs. Opening up your mouth and speaking doesn’t mean communicating. It just means youre talking. I think women are just as confused as men about their feelings and their thoughts but men just don’t speak on it unless we know what we want to say. Women will speak on it with no clue what they want to say.
  
  For the record, some women are great communicators, I know.
  - Teacia
    
    Yeah I have to agree, although provoked in some cases, I don’t think it’s fair for us to say it’s his fault we’re acting a fool.
    
    In my much younger college days, I have stood outside a guys door yelling, screaming and cursing, but there is no way that at almost 30 you will ever find me degrading myself in such a manner.
    
    I think mental stability comes with maturity, experience and a sense of self respect that was instilled in you as a child. I never dated in high school, well not really, so when I got to college I had to learn the process of how to react to certain situations.
    
    I like to believe that I’m polished now when dealing with confrontation. I think we as women have to start demanding a certain level of respect from men if we ever want to get this thing under control. But there’s always one willing to degrade herself for a few moments of his time…and then turns on the crazy when he has better things to do with his time…and of course that’s his fault…riiiight.
  - http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
    
    “Opening up your mouth and speaking doesn’t mean communicating.”
    
    this is GOLDEN!…PLATINUM, even!
  - http://www.tiffanybbrown.com/ tiffany
    
    okay, slashing somebody’s tires is crazy all day. no excuse for that.
    
    BUT i think we all have a responsibility not do stuff that you know could make somebody want to slash your tires.
    
    example: if you “broke up” with a (wo)man, but you’re still sleeping with him/her, and dating other people, you can’t really be surprised when (s)he calls you up to cuss you out. and if you know (s)he has crazy inclinations, you shouldn’t be surprised to find a brick through your windshield.
    
    i actually had to have this conversation with a dude i was dating. this dumb em effer “broke up” with his ex shortly before we started dating. then he starts telling me about how crazy she is:
    
    me: crazy like how?
    him: she called me cursing me out the other night. she pages me all the time…
    me: well are you doing to make her crazy?
    him: nah, not really.
    me: are you still sleeping with her?
    him: um… yeah.
    me: and her friend saw us out at the mall holding hands.
    him: um…yeah.
    me: well there’s your answer right there… stop sleeping with her.
    
    and yes, i stopped dating him after that conversation.
Wise Diva

But how is it that women are all perfect until a man comes into the picture and kicks dirt in your sandbox

It usually is the first relationship that a woman has that challenges her, exposes her vulnerabilities, insecurities, unhappiness, fears, the first time someone reaches to the depths of her heart, soul, body, and mind. Many times a woman is not prepared for that intensity. So it could appear (to her) that this is directly related to the love she feels for her man. I mean if she was chillin’, happy as a lark before the dude, and dude enters her life and the male-female dynamics come into play, it CAN convince her that it’s BECAUSE of him. The reality is, though, she is learning who she is within a relationship, and sometimes it can surprise even her.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  “It usually is the first relationship that a woman has that challenges her, exposes her vulnerabilities, insecurities, unhappiness, fears, the first time someone reaches to the depths of her heart, soul, body, and mind”
  
  this is all well and good, but you could say the exact same thing about a guy in his first real relationship as well. this still doesnt explain why we always get the brunt of the blame, especially since we get hurt just as much as ya’ll do.
http://thebeautifulstruggler.blogspot.com Sister Toldja

Ahem.

My name is Sister Toldja, and I have messed up a good thing (or two) in my day.

I think I am the opposite of a lot of women, whereas where they can usually find a way to blame a man for the demise of a relationship, if I am sad that it ended I will more than likely blame myself.

That said, I think that the things the Champ listed do apply to the demise of most relationships. I haven’t been in an LTR, but I have had a few “woulda beens” that ended because a guy wasn’t treating me well. And a lot of my girlfriends have exited relationships because of cheating and poor treatment.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  “That said, I think that the things the Champ listed do….”
  
  not to be nit-picky (even though i am), but p wrote this entry, not me.
  - http://thebeautifulstruggler.blogspot.com Sister Toldja
    
    Oh, yes, um, I knew that. I just decided to take your crown away and make him the new Champ. You can be the Challenger.
    - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
      
      i dont wear a crown. i just have a bevy of bejeweled belts with “the champ” embroidered on the buckle.
      
      i really dont, but, i guess i just like alliteration.
http://www.verysmartbrothas.com Panama

I have to go ahead and ask this…

Do women actually think that men ruin them? That you all are fine until a man comes in and fucks up your heads?
- Cheryl
  
  Men don’t ruin women. They ruin themselves. No one can make you become crazy, you are either nuts or have the propensity for nuttiness, or you’re normal.
- Teacia
  
  No one is born crazy, and men don’t fuck up our heads our parents do.
  
  What we spend most of our life trying to overcome is our childhood. There aren’t enough healthy working relationship on display these days. Do you know that back in the late 60′s 3 in 4 homes had a mother and father present, working together and creating a loving and stable family environment.
  
  That statistic is now 1 out of 3 homes…66% of our country’s children don’t have 2 parents to show them how to become productive and loving society members. And while we were growing up the number was 2 out of 4, so we were screwed regardless.
  
  A working model is a very important thing, a lot of people diminish the importance of having a male and female guide your path. If you’ve never seen a healthy relationship at work, then how in the hell do you know how to be in one…happenstance.
  
  Yes men do come along, as do women and fuck up the already tarnished model we have, and letting go isn’t an easy thing. We’re all made up emotion, everything that drives up is altered by emotion. There’s no running and hiding from it, so until women and men learn to face and deal with their demons, this healthy relationship thing is lost for generations to come.
- http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant
  
  Yes.
  
  And in some cases they do. (The opposite is also true.)
  
  But it’s not the man’s fault if she stays fucked up.
  
  Think of the woman as the city of Pompeii and the man fucking her up as “liquid hot mag-ma” *channeling Dr. Evil*
  
  She may be in ruins after he’s done but it’s on her to rebuild herself to her former glory and splendor.
- http://goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
  
  I don’t think that…I know we let our men come in and remix us…we allow the insecurities to arise adn allow “baggage” to accumulate…not the man’s fault…we do it to ourselves…
- The Queen
  
  I think sometimes men do ruin women, at least temporarily. Keeping it real, women do this to men just as often. I know some good men that dealt with a shady, manipulative broad and ta da…temporarily he is a biotch. A bad relationship can influence people to change their habits and hide the best parts of themselves. The hope is that they can get past it.
  - D*stroy
    
    Queen I agree. I would compare it to men who make women insecure. The woman wasn’t insecure prior to being with the dude but once he started doing shady sh*t she became that way.
Wise Diva

I think dealing with heartbreak from love, or coping with the pain of an unhealthy relationship can take it’s toll. I don’t think there is much good in placing blame on a man for it, but a woman may feel that she has to regain power she feels she lost from a relationship sometimes.

so a man CAN eff her head up and it CAN feel as if it/he was not worth it when you are knee deep in the emotions, but saying she is “fine” is all relative.
- Cheryl
  
  I agree. I also don’t think that women allow themselves to fully heal (after said heartbreak) before moving on to the next encounter or relationship.
  
  They go into a new relationship with wounds still seeping from the last relationship. That serves no good for her (and most definitely not for the man).
Cheryl

Folks ask me why my kids father and I are no longer together after spending 10 years trying to make it work.

The answer is very simple. We shouldn’t have been together from the start. He didn’t fuck up a good thing; I didn’t fuck up a good thing. Hell we didn’t HAVE a good thing. We had a mediocre thing.

I could have saved myself those 10 years had I admitted in the beginning that he and I just weren’t cut out to be together. Thing is, we never fought or argued, no cars were keyed or property harmed or destroyed. We were like good friends that accidentally had a baby together. Then 6 years later accidentally had another baby together.

I think women get the “crazy” label because they are so pressed about getting played. They don’t want to look “stupid” because they liked a guy that was only interested in getting the goodgush. So they just get extra with shit, so they don’t look bad to whomever actually may be paying attention and caring.

Oh, and about men and cheating – I think women cheat just as much as men do. I don’t think one sex can be labeled the cheater over the other.
- http://myspace.com/time4sumakshone AkShone
  
  “I think women get the “crazy” label because they are so pressed about getting played. They don’t want to look “stupid” because they liked a guy that was only interested in getting the goodgush. So they just get extra with shit, so they don’t look bad to whomever actually may be paying attention and caring.”
  
  This is soooo true, as I’ve been finding out in my misadventures in dating (which is probably insight as to why I don’t like dating). It’s that brick wall and all the other defense mechanisms used in the initial interaction with a new woman. I understand it, but I don’t…sort of like people’s fascination with Soljah Boi (smdh).
  
  …Now adding Goodgush to my “Great Colloquialism Terms for the Love Below”
- BigBuck
  
  I think women cheat more than we do. We just get caught more. I don’t think anyone will deny that women are better at deception than Men. But the real reason I think men get caught more is because of the other woman. She gets mad or gets jealous and the shit hits the fan. Most guys that are the side guy are content in that station and won’t do anything to expose what’s going on. Even if they get mad at you for some reason, the side guy is more likely to just cut you off and find another than to react like a woman and bring attention to the cheating. Once again I am going off into another issue, so I will save the rest for whatever day we are actually talking about that.
  - http://myspace.com/time4sumakshone AkShone
    
    And that ^^^^^ is why it is SO much easier for women to cheat…
  - Cheryl
    
    Do you think that when women cheat it is mostly due to necessity* and than when men cheat it is mostly due to wanting newgush as opposed to the same old gush they have at home?
    
    Or do you think its opposite or just random?
    
    *necessity in this context meaning the needs aren’t being met or fulfilled.
    - http://myspace.com/time4sumakshone AkShone
      
      Probably most of the time it is necessity for women. I would probably go by the 80/20 rule when it comes to this as a whole.
      
      That’s not to say that this doesn’t happen with men though.
  - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
    
    “I think women cheat more than we do”
    
    i dont agree with this. i think its equal. both sexes do an equal amount of dirt
    - D*stroy
      
      I think men cheat more frequently then women do. Statistically men have more sexual partners than women do. Not to mention that anatomically men are better equipped for the psychological aspect of sex. (Instead of being entered we do the entering.) women are also far more susceptible to STDs for this reason).
      
      I do think that women “emotionally cheat” more. When women aren’t happy at home they establish new meaningful relationships (not necessarily physical) to fill the void.
      - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
        
        “Statistically men have more sexual partners than women do”
        
        according to what stats? you hafta remember that sexual studies determining numbers are always effed up because we (men) tend to embellish our stats while women tend to, ummmm, “unembellish”.
        
        i agree with everything else you said though
        
        D*stroy
        
        That is very true. (Oh..and that statistical refence was based on an article I read in some men’s mag which was probably conducted by the University of Phoenix. But, you didn’t have to call me out though. Haa! You gotta love it when somebody points out your bullsh*t.
        
        Nonetheless I can only venture to believe that as a whole men have more partners than women–(but I don’t have any evidence to support that.)
        
        Ana B
        
        even the emotional cheaing that you said didnt exist severla blogs ago?
        
        Ana B
        
        that last post was for the champ
      - Cheryl
        
        Nah statistically women lie more about the number of men they have backed it up on.
        
        All these men that high numbers across the board (not this board but the board of umm life) are NOT fornicating with the same handful of ladyfolk.
        
        Women get it on, they just don’t want you to know and think poorly of them.
    - http://myspace.com/time4sumakshone AkShone
      
      You really think it’s equal, Champ? I mean, hey I’ll be the first to admit that I know of women who did or have done dirt…hell, I may have done it with them, but equal is a large number. Are we speaking in relative terms when we say “cheating”?
      - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
        
        i’m speaking in sexual terms. coitus. penetration. i dont think we (men) cheat as frequently as general perception would lead you to believe, its just that the ones who do cheat do it so frequently and indiscriminately that it creates the perception that “everyone” does it.
      - Ana B
        
        I think I have to agree with the champ on this one.. I know of several women friends that have stepped out of their marriage vows to romp with a man, and only know of one man (though he romped quite agressively and often). and to someone elses point the women were more successful in their deceat than the men, becuase the women’s partner kept the drama to a minimum
- Treezy F. Baby
  
  I think that’s it right there! I hear this so much from couples who have been in it for the long-haul…it was like they never took the time to make some tough hard decisions about the strength, plausibility and happiness of their relationship until the years just flew by. So sad. This is why I believe in learning from the mistakes of others. Sadly this makes me anal about making ANY mistakes at all in a relationship…I’m easing into the deep end of the pool as I grow though…reluctantly. I’m the kinda person I get a little wet with some drama and I hops out the water with a quickness!