I have a friend. Not just one friend…I mean I have lots of friends. But for the sake of this discussion I have a friend. Now this particular friend was in a relationship that, quite frankly, resembled what happened when Iyanla Vanzant attempted to fix DMX’s life.
One person wants to sue and the other person still has the name Iyanla. I’m sure that means something in some language (a quick Google search teaches me that Iyanla has no etymology – nope, it’s just what happens when mama takes a shot before the doctors give clearance after birth). Point is, nobody wins.
In their relationship, it seemed like a constant race towards the bottom. But not the kind of bottom that Drake speaks of in “Started At The Bottom”. For Drake, you start at the bottom and get here. Oh the places we will go. This couple would often find ways to make life hard for one another. I didn’t doubt that love was there. It’s just that their definition of love was different than others. No Ike and Tina, Bobby and Whitney, or Shaq and Kobe…more like a Facebook status relationship after Homecoming: It’s complicated.
See, I’ve classified their relationship as basically rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. The ship is going down anyway, no matter what you do. Some relationships just aren’t meant to work. #realnwordtalkingshutthefworduphword
I’ve had the unfortunate experience of being privy to many a relationship that was on its last legs where folks attempted to make some changes that just were too little too late. Here is a list of too little too late gestures one the ship is already going down.
1. Flowers and sweeping romantic gestures
Do you all watch Nashville? The television show? I love it. It’s riveting. It’s got dysfunction. It’s got a plot. It’s got sex, drugs, and country music. And the music is great. Well there is a couple in Nashville, Gunnar and Scarlet (by the way, I love the name Gunnar. If I can come back reincarnated as a white dude, I totes want to be named Gunnar). Gunnar has lost his way in life and pushed Scarlet away after his brother died. He stole his dead brother’s music, tried to become an outlaw and went to jail and missed her big debut at the Grand Ole Opry. Even if you know jack sh*t about country, you know that the Grand Ole Opry is like performing at the Apollo. Or an Asian Karaoke spot. Either way, Gunnar realizes it too late, Scarlet is over it and Gunnar attempts to win her back with flowers. Which is totes not his thing, but she intimates to him that its not enough. She’s out of there. Or at least she might be..we got a cliffhanger on their relationship for next season. And yes, this is what I watch instead of Scandal. At the end of the day, showing the affection and giving a f*ck after you haven’t for so long is not going to right the ship. Sometimes its just too little too late.
That was a lot. Let’s make the next one shorter.
This will not right the ship. If anything it may speed up the demise of the ship. Except it starts going so fast that you may think the velocity is going to change everything. It won’t. In fact…its kind of like….
3. Getting pregnant
Ladies, getting pregnant won’t keep a man that doesn’t want to be there. What you may discover is how great a father the man who doesn’t want to be a good man to you can be. This will make you want to murder something. I’M KILLIN’ THESE BYTCHES.
4. Getting a tattoo of the other person’s name/face/SSN to show commitment
There are few worse ideas than getting the name of a person who you don’t share blood with (or in the case of non-blood, significant step ties) permanently inked on your body. That’s almost the best way to make sure it doesn’t work out. I’d rather get my schlong trapped in an elevator where the cables violently snap while Brad Paisley and LL Cool J serenade me while a mime does Rosie Perez’s “Fight The Power” dance from Do The Right Thing than get a woman’s name tatted on my body that I don’t call “momma”. Or daughter. I know a couple who decided to show each other how real they were to one another (after a string of f*cktasticness that would make Bill Clinton blush) by getting tats of one another’s names. Not their initials. Their full names. This really happened. They’re not together anymore. They are attempting to figure out how to remove those tats. They did it to show each other how down for one another they were. They went down like Rose Royce.
Those are four things that will not save a relationship. What are some other things that won’t save a relationship once its on the its last legs?
Talk to me. Petey.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GET GONE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3