Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists

Rearranging The Deck Chairs On The Titanic of Love

rearrange-deckchairs-and-ignore-sinking-1I have a friend. Not just one friend…I mean I have lots of friends. But for the sake of this discussion I have a friend. Now this particular friend was in a relationship that, quite frankly, resembled what happened when Iyanla Vanzant attempted to fix DMX’s life.

Exactly.

One person wants to sue and the other person still has the name Iyanla. I’m sure that means something in some language (a quick Google search teaches me that Iyanla has no etymology – nope, it’s just what happens when mama takes a shot before the doctors give clearance after birth). Point is, nobody wins.

In their relationship, it seemed like a constant race towards the bottom. But not the kind of bottom that Drake speaks of in “Started At The Bottom”. For Drake, you start at the bottom and get here. Oh the places we will go. This couple would often find ways to make life hard for one another. I didn’t doubt that love was there. It’s just that their definition of love was different than others. No Ike and Tina, Bobby and Whitney, or Shaq and Kobe…more like a Facebook status relationship after Homecoming: It’s complicated.

See, I’ve classified their relationship as basically rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. The ship is going down anyway, no matter what you do. Some relationships just aren’t meant to work. #realnwordtalkingshutthefworduphword

I’ve had the unfortunate experience of being privy to many a relationship that was on its last legs where folks attempted to make some changes that just were too little too late. Here is a list of too little too late gestures one the ship is already going down.

1. Flowers and sweeping romantic gestures

Do you all watch Nashville? The television show? I love it. It’s riveting. It’s got dysfunction. It’s got a plot. It’s got sex, drugs, and country music. And the music is great. Well there is a couple in Nashville, Gunnar and Scarlet (by the way, I love the name Gunnar. If I can come back reincarnated as a white dude, I totes want to be named Gunnar). Gunnar has lost his way in life and pushed Scarlet away after his brother died. He stole his dead brother’s music, tried to become an outlaw and went to jail and missed her big debut at the Grand Ole Opry. Even if you know jack sh*t about country, you know that the Grand Ole Opry is like performing at the Apollo. Or an Asian Karaoke spot. Either way, Gunnar realizes it too late, Scarlet is over it and Gunnar attempts to win her back with flowers. Which is totes not his thing, but she intimates to him that its not enough. She’s out of there. Or at least she might be..we got a cliffhanger on their relationship for next season. And yes, this is what I watch instead of Scandal. At the end of the day, showing the affection and giving a f*ck after you haven’t for so long is not going to right the ship. Sometimes its just too little too late.

That was a lot. Let’s make the next one shorter.

2. Proposal

This will not right the ship. If anything it may speed up the demise of the ship. Except it starts going so fast that you may think the velocity is going to change everything. It won’t. In fact…its kind of like….

3. Getting pregnant

Ladies, getting pregnant won’t keep a man that doesn’t want to be there. What you may discover is how great a father the man who doesn’t want to be a good man to you can be. This will make you want to murder something. I’M KILLIN’ THESE BYTCHES.

4. Getting a tattoo of the other person’s name/face/SSN to show commitment

There are few worse ideas than getting the name of a person who you don’t share blood with (or in the case of non-blood, significant step ties) permanently inked on your body. That’s almost the best way to make sure it doesn’t work out. I’d rather get my schlong trapped in an elevator where the cables violently snap while Brad Paisley and LL Cool J serenade me while a mime does Rosie Perez’s “Fight The Power” dance from Do The Right Thing than get a woman’s name tatted on my body that I don’t call “momma”. Or daughter. I know a couple who decided to show each other how real they were to one another (after a string of f*cktasticness that would make Bill Clinton blush) by getting tats of one another’s names. Not their initials. Their full names. This really happened. They’re not together anymore. They are attempting to figure out how to remove those tats. They did it to show each other how down for one another they were. They went down like Rose Royce.

Those are four things that will not save a relationship. What are some other things that won’t save a relationship once its on the its last legs?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GET GONE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • Cherika

    So I’m normally a lurker…just wanted to say hi *waves* oh yea First!!!

    • GypsyCurl

      #5- Moving in together (personal experience; I will stop right there b/c I still can’t talk about it)

    • SweetSass

      Welcome.

  • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

    First things first, I absolutely love Nashville and am hoping that Avery settles in with Juliette and Scarlett and Gunnar work out. Not even gonna talk about Rayna and her drama.

    I’d add “saying or doing something that person had been asking you to do but now seems to be the perfect time to do it now that there’s a hole in the bucket and sh*t.” At that point, it’d be obvious you’re just doing/saying that thing to get them to either stop fighting or to not leave which, y’know, won’t work.

    • GypsyCurl

      I love Nashville and have not caught up. Y’all are spoiling my “when I have nothing else to do on a weekend, so I will catch up on Nashville ready with extra buttery popcorn.”

      And PJ you can watch Nashville (Wednesdays) AND Scandal (Thursdays), so there is no excuse to not be on the Scandal bandwagon.

      And yes Nashville music be bangin’. I downloaded “Wrong Song”; that bees my jam.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        I just prefer Nashville to Scandal. The music lover in me appreciates it more. Plus I hate politics. So anything with a political bent never really draws me in. Even though I know that Scandal is clearly a “for the people” show.

        • Kema

          I just figured out that this is why scandal doesnt do it for me. I hate political or military movies, shows or books.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          No “Boss”? I used an entire free preview weekend and watched all seasons 1 and 2 (don’t judge). Kelsey Grammer is a beast.

      • LMNOP

        I need to start watching this Nashville show… to get me through my scandal-less summer.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          the season just ended last week!!! you got to start form the beginning. it rocks.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          You should get on Nashville. Just enough drama. Kids trying to make it in the business. And good music.

      • southernsweetness

        +1 on “wrong song”. Also love Maisy and Lennon Stella “ho hey”…..I can’t believe they actually write music that totally soothes the soul… theyre so young. :)

    • SweetSass

      Country music is unnatural. It makes my ears bleed.

      • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

        i heart Patsy Cline ~*~

      • Malik

        *starts SweetSass’ country mixtape*

        • SweetSass

          What did I ever do to you?

          • Malik

            I’ll throw in some bluegrass

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        you should give it a real chance. dope music is dope music.

        • southernsweetness

          cant nobody argue with that. #truth

  • Malik

    mixtapes

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      i regret i missed the mixtape courting era….sending spotify playlists dont have the same effect

      • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

        burn a CD ~*~ make cover art ~*~ send it in the mail ~*~ oo la la

      • Charlie

        Make a usb cassete mixtape
        http://goo.gl/kCrWT

        • Mo to tha

          Forget the post…this link made my day! I shall be making one of these this weekend.

      • http://www.terryodis.wix.comtodis Micthemessenger

        But that SOUNDCLOUD tho…

    • Breezy

      Malik: This just made me LOL because its so darn juvenile. Surely no one over the age of 15 is still doing this.

      • camilleblu

        lol…breezy u silly!

      • Malik

        You’ve never heard one of my mixtapes.

        • K. Marie

          I would be so flattered to receive a mixtape! It means someone understands my musical taste! Lol

          • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

            or wants to share of themselves, their vibes, their energies ~*~ i love when people tell me a song reminds them of me. it’s deep ~*~

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      Wait…you mean making somebody a mixtape as a bandaid to temporarily fix a situation?

      • Malik

        Yessir. In the “thinking about you” type of vein.

  • nillalatte

    Um, I don’t know what it is for dude’s, but for women, once she has emotionally let go of the relationship (even if y’all ain’t yet officially called it quits), ain’t nothing can revive that biotch…. except, maybe time.

    • Sahel

      What about money. Will that help

      • Charlie

        lol

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          is that a no?

      • Kema

        How much we talking? Like did dude just win the lottery? Maybe we can work things out. :-)

        • LMNOP

          I mean, if they have enough money, you can ask them to build you your own house, maybe on a tropical beach and then if you don’t have to see each other anymore, you won’t be fighting.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      Men typically can see the writing on the wall early but will keep it ongoing until it becomes an inconvenience, #lovehoarders

      • Kinghenry

        hhahahahaha, i feel right there!! lol lol

      • AYFKM

        ^That explanation right there. Genius.

      • Rewind

        Damn…that’s accurate as hell.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      I agree with this. I think guys can be the same way. People think dudes will just dip out…naw, sometimes we stick around even when we know we shouldn’t.

      • Kinghenry

        hear hear!..that we do

  • http://www.twitter.com/mcnairian5 McNairian

    Getting a mutual Facebook account won’t help much. Giving your s/o your passwords won’t help much either.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      why would anybody who isn’t married get a mutual facebook account. why would anybody who IS married even do that? i still need my own life to exist.

      • http://www.twitter.com/mcnairian5 McNairian

        There are folks who do it. I don’t understand the true purpose. All I know is that I would not.

        • camilleblu

          meeee knee-ver!

  • IcePrincess

    Finally agreeing to that threesome.

    • msdebbs

      lol…+1

    • nillalatte

      For some reason, I think you ALWAYS have sex on the brain, girl. You need to handle dat. :P

      • Kema

        *shares a brain with ice*

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      well yeah the relationship is still doomed but u still got an experience out of it

    • Todd

      I’ve run into women who did that…and it doesn’t work. Often times, one member of the couple will use the threesome to transition into another relationship or to just being single. Worse case scenario? Well, I knew a woman in the swing scene who had to leave her husband because after they played together, and he got jealous, he decided to Layeth The Smacketh Down…complete with missing teeth. *smh*

      • Sahel

        The threesome game aint for the fainthearted man You gotta be ready to let go of the possessive nature that comes with a normal relationship

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      Hmmm…interestingly that never crossed my mind, but it makes so much sense now that you type it out loud.

  • P. J.

    Therapy or counseling. Once you have checked out telling someone about it for $150′permhournto confirm it is just going to leave you checked out and $500 to $700 lighter on your checking account.

    • Jay

      Waiting for VSS’s to require more people of you…

      • Kema

        I think therapy helps in situations where both have decided leaving is not an option. So not with the bf… but husband definitely!

    • Todd

      That’s a definite maybe. It depends on whether people have some issues they need someone outside of the relationship to help them sort through and (here’s the big one) whether people are going to take responsibility for their own actions. The biggest reason why marriage counseling fails is because people don’t want to own up to their own issues. Yeah, people do check out without having issues, but at least they can say why in a controlled environment, preferably without handy weapons. :)

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        I’m with you. I think it depends on how much folks are willing to work on some sh*t. If you are both at least committed to trying, it can definitely work. Or not. But its worth the old college try I suppost.

        Yes I spelled it like that on purpose.

    • http://www.cornerpolitics.net Breazy Taylor

      Yeah if one or both people have checked out, counseling is not going to help you extend your reservation. If anything it’s point out some things that you should have done and will hopefully do next go round.

  • nillalatte

    Stalking. Definitely stalking a person will not save a relationship. But, it might begin another — with the police. :P

    • IcePrincess

      *sets a boiling pot of rabbit on nilla’s stove*

      • nillalatte

        LOL… you’s a fool!

    • Todd

      Well, a certain VSS has some experience with that. Even decided to go to Mexico…to learn Spanish. ;)

      • Kinghenry

        wow!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      How many of you people have actually “stalked” somebody before. It’s okay, open up. #judgementfreezone

      I can’t say that I’ve ever stalked anybody. I’m too arrogant for that sh*t. But I think nearly every woman I know has done so. And with social media it’s almost unfair how much Recon work women do nowadays.

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        I got too much ice water running through my veins to “stalk.” If anything, I’ma stalk somebody’s liquor store and make sure I forget dude’s name.

        • Todd

          The Three Wise Men of Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker and Jim Beam are very, VERY wise. :)

          • http://www.terryodis.wix.comtodis Micthemessenger

            might as well add the homie Jameson and make it a Four Horsemen.

        • nillalatte

          Like. I prefer the Caribbean myself. The more Rum the better. :)

        • nillalatte

          Like. I prefer the Caribbean myself. The more Rum the better. :)

      • Wild Cougar

        Stalking is pathetic. Makes you look like a loser to the person you are stalking. Makes you look like a super loser to other people who see you stalking. Keeps the person you should be forgetting in the front of your mind. Counter productive in every possible way. I don’t stalk.

        • Rewind

          Yea but stalking is just another manifestation of ignorance. People try to turn negative into positive by ignoring the facts and sticking solely to the reality they want. Even when they are literally hurting someone, they are convinced the pain can lead to joy and happiness. The ego is scary as hell when it is bruised and a person doesn’t have the mental control to keep sh*t in check.

      • nillalatte

        Coming in late, but there are different types of stalkers: the just want to see yo’ face, hear yo’ voice type & then there are the psychopath I’m boiling yo’ rabbit & killing your family so we can be together type. I have admittedly been the first type, even when I’m the one that called it quits. That’s a heart /mind conflict.

      • Kinghenry

        i dont see nothing wrong with a little bit of recon though-or is “recon” glorified stalking?

    • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

      Of course, Stalking has an evolutionarily adaptive purpose along mating lines; I present the words of Prof. David Buss:

      “Those who succeed in breaking up and leaving are sometimes stalked by former partners—typically men who know or sense that they will never again be able to attract a woman as valuable as the one they have lost. Studies I’ve conducted in collaboration with Dr. Joshua Duntley reveal that as many as 60% of women and 40% of men have been victims of stalking. Many stalkers are sustained by the false belief that their victims truly love them, but they just don’t realize it yet. Stalking, like intimate partner violence, too has a disconcerting functional logic. It sometimes works in luring the woman back.”

      The Mating Wars
      http://edge.org/response-detail/23862

      In a word: Stalking, often WORKS.

      I’m just sayin’…

      O.

      • SweetSass

        You stalking women doesn’t surprise me at all.

        • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

          @Ms. SweetSass:
          LOL. Nice try, but no, I’ve never stalked a Woman.

          On the other hand, I have been stalked. One Woman in particular, kept calling my place of work and really weirded me and the rest of the crew out. I wound up having to call the police and they told me that if she did indeed show up at my work to call them immediately. Fortunately, she didn’t show up.

          I’ve had a few close calls with situations like that, so I can vouch for what Buss is saying when he reports some 40% of Men experiencing such things.

          I am a part of that number.

          Oh, and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if you were a stalker; you seem to have all the markings of one…

          O.

          • camilleblu

            @O…she must have gotten a good look at your cane and decided #shelikey

            ;)

            • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

              @Ms. CamilleBlue:
              LOL, I don’t doubt it! Ms. SweetSass is a walking, breathing endorsement and confirmation for all of the teachings of Game…

              O.

  • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    Busting the windows out his car will not save a relationship. Strangely, it may not destroy it, which means you’re in serious trouble. I’ve heard.

    • nillalatte

      That doesn’t work? Huh. I guess keying his ride won’t work either then, huh? What about a candy bar in the gas tank? No? Wow… men be so mean not to see all that love. *snickers

      • Todd

        I saw what you did there Nilla. Good one. LOL

      • Chocolatte

        lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      I’ve come to realize that if you can continuously do property damage to somebody’s sh*t and neither party vacates the premises…the likelihood somebody will go to jail increases by at least 87 percent.

    • SweetSass

      It makes for awesome song lyrics though.

  • http://www.wddij.com The Ruthless Wonder

    Vacation is the one I’d add to the list. I know you think a hotel room(or cruise ship), some sandy beaches, and some tropical drinks will make you two be drunk and fall back in love, but in the best case is you’ll end up fighting or stewing because you each think the other is checking out the waitresses, trainers, other vacationers(which you are) while having time supposedly together. In the worst case your cruise ship gets disabled and you’re stuck for a week with overflowing toilets, no fresh water, little food, decidedly miniscule alcohol for the situation, AND the person you’ve fully realized you really have a seething hatred for that could fill the floating Sh!tbox you’re on. Do yourself a favor, book that vacation for you and your friends to Vegas, or Amsterdam, or Portugal, or French Polynesia. Just make sure you’re ready for them to have moved out before you leave.

    • IcePrincess

      This sounds like it was written from personal experience lmao

      • Breezy

        Okkkk Ice…I was thinking the same thing…lol

      • http://www.wddij.com The Ruthless Wonder

        Nope not personal. The cruise bit I just threw in since there was another fire on one yesterday.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      That’s that real advice right there.