What’s the day after Valentine’s Day without some love-related resolutions and rants from The Champ?Â
Stop saying “I’m so sorry to hear that” whenever you hear about a relationship ending.
If a relationship ends it’s because two people don’t want to be together anymore. People realizing “Hey. I’m not happy anymore. Lemme go find some happiness” is a good thing. A great thing! “Something ending” doesn’t always have to mean “something bad.” You know what’s bad? People choosing to stay in shitty relationships. In fact, save “I’m so sorry to hear that”Â for the next time your shitty-relationshiped friend tells you they’re still trying to work things out.
If you’re in a relationship and you care more about Valentine’s Day now than you did when you were single and/or dating, you likely have a shitty relationship.
The angst some single people feel around V-Day is understandable. Annoying ass the f*ck. But understandable. Even roaches like company.
But, if you’re in an actual relationship and you absolutely need this day to be special, to prove that something is still there, toÂ validateÂ all the time, effort, and swallowing you’ve put into it so far, it’s probably time for you to take your relationship to the animal shelter. `
Letting everyone know every Valentine’s Day how much you hate Valentine’s Day doesn’t make you cool.
No one cares that you hate it. Really, no one cares. Collectively, we give less f*cks than Rozay’s nutritionist. Just go to Yoga, eat some lonely-ass peanut butter crackers, and watch Colbert on your phone while on the toilet at lunch like you do every other day.
If you can’t f*ck with the lights on, you shouldn’t be f*cking
Not saying everyone needs to f*ck with the lights on. Sometimes, you need the shadows to bring out the Dark Knight. But, if you always need a shroud of darkness to be comfortable enough with someone to do it, you’re not really comfortable enough to do it
There’s nothing wrong with being a hypocrite
Like whatever the f*ck you like. Just don’t be a hypocrite who complains when you’re not able to get whatever the f*ck you like.
If you’ve ever been seriously mad at someone about aÂ ridiculouslyÂ improbable hypothetical—Example: he took too long to answer when you asked him if he’d leave you if he had the chance to bone a 21 year old Pam Grier—go eat a beet
No. Seriously. Stop reading this, get up, go to your fridge, take a raw beet out of it, and eat it. If you don’t have a beet, just eat a fork. While doing this, strip naked, walk to the nearest full-length mirror, and do 25 crunches
Think about this experience—the memory of you doing crunches on a cold floor, the taste of the mouth full of beets, the shame of being face to face with your anus every time you complete a crunch in the mirror—the next time you consider getting pissed about a ridiculously improbable hypothetical
That’s enough ranting for me today. Did I miss anything?
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)