Rants And Resolutions For The Day After Valentine’s Day

If this is you every V-Day, please save us the trouble  and eat some crackers

If this is you every V-Day, please save us the trouble and eat some crackers

What’s the day after Valentine’s Day without some love-related resolutions and rants from The Champ? 

Stop saying “I’m so sorry to hear that” whenever you hear about a relationship ending.

If a relationship ends it’s because two people don’t want to be together anymore. People realizing “Hey. I’m not happy anymore. Lemme go find some happiness” is a good thing. A great thing! “Something ending” doesn’t always have to mean “something bad.” You know what’s bad? People choosing to stay in shitty relationships. In fact, save “I’m so sorry to hear that” for the next time your shitty-relationshiped friend tells you they’re still trying to work things out.

If you’re in a relationship and you care more about Valentine’s Day now than you did when you were single and/or dating, you likely have a shitty relationship.

The angst some single people feel around V-Day is understandable. Annoying ass the f*ck. But understandable. Even roaches like company.

But, if you’re in an actual relationship and you absolutely need this day to be special, to prove that something is still there, to validate all the time, effort, and swallowing you’ve put into it so far, it’s probably time for you to take your relationship to the animal shelter. `

Letting everyone know every Valentine’s Day how much you hate Valentine’s Day doesn’t make you cool.

No one cares that you hate it. Really, no one cares. Collectively, we give less f*cks than Rozay’s nutritionist. Just go to Yoga, eat some lonely-ass peanut butter crackers, and watch Colbert on your phone while on the toilet at lunch like you do every other day.

If you can’t f*ck with the lights on, you shouldn’t be f*cking

Not saying everyone needs to f*ck with the lights on. Sometimes, you need the shadows to bring out the Dark Knight. But, if you always need a shroud of darkness to be comfortable enough with someone to do it, you’re not really comfortable enough to do it

There’s nothing wrong with being a hypocrite

Like whatever the f*ck you like. Just don’t be a hypocrite who complains when you’re not able to get whatever the f*ck you like.

If you’ve ever been seriously mad at someone about a ridiculously improbable hypothetical—Example: he took too long to answer when you asked him if he’d leave you if he had the chance to bone a 21 year old Pam Grier—go eat a beet

No. Seriously. Stop reading this, get up, go to your fridge, take a raw beet out of it, and eat it. If you don’t have a beet, just eat a fork. While doing this, strip naked, walk to the nearest full-length mirror, and do 25 crunches

Think about this experience—the memory of you doing crunches on a cold floor, the taste of the mouth full of beets, the shame of being face to face with your anus every time you complete a crunch in the mirror—the next time you consider getting pissed about a ridiculously improbable hypothetical

That’s enough ranting for me today. Did I miss anything?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

  • http://skrapdiggy.wordpress.com skrapdiggy

    Golden. All of it. LOL

  • jamie

    Funny. Love this.

  • RuthlessWonder

    …Well that escalated quickly.

    Anyway, I think more single people would stop complaining about the Holiday if there was some manner in which they could refocus themselves. But that’s hard to do with every other or in some cases every commercial having to do with Valentine’s. Not too mention special menus, drink specials, general advertising, radio adverts, and the like. They remind me of the atheists who get annoyed by Christmas. I don’t agree with them, but I get it. When its plastered in your face from every direction sometimes its going to cause backlash. Though they should take all that extra money, go get hammered with other single people, and it might lead to them loving the holiday the next year. Call it Villaintine’s Day, but stop complaining about it.

    • Ms. Bridget

      Idk. In Valentines past me and my other single friends would go out and have a blast; dancing the night away, go to restaurants, exchanging chocolates and gifts. We’d order those same special drinks, who said Valentines is only for lovers…

  • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    Stop saying “I’m so sorry to hear that” whenever you hear about a relationship ending. – Sometimes it’s a one-sided relationship ending. In that case, yeah, sorry.

    If you can’t f*ck with the lights on, you shouldn’t be f*cking – let’s just say I’ve heard enough horror stories that this really translates to “I’mma need to see the receipts on your gender.”

    There’s nothing wrong with being a hypocrite – Cuz wo/men suck when you’re single, and are the best thing EVUH when you’re in a relationship

    • LMNOP

      Stop saying “I’m so sorry to hear that” whenever you hear about a relationship ending. – Sometimes it’s a one-sided relationship ending. In that case, yeah, sorry.

      yeah, I think relationship endings are usually one sided. And if your friend is the dumped, sorry is the nice thing to say. Even if he was an as shole and you’re not *really* sorry that they broke up, you’re sorry that your friend is upset.

  • That Ugly Kid

    I’ve hated Valentine’s Day for about 7 years now. Ironically, I was in a relationship during 6 of those years, with this year being the first time that I was actually single during V-Day. And that hates stems from whoever I was dating at the time doing some f*cked up stuff ON V-Day (like cheating, being unappreciative, etc), or during the span of that week. A trend that happened for 6 years. Which also majorly contributed to me not being able to trust women.

    However, despite this, I’m not one of those bitter people who goes on anti-V-Day rants on Twitter and Facebook. It’s a waste of energy. All I did was play videogames and listen to Kilo Kish. And I had a f*cking blast.

    Oh and as for all the jaded, single b*tches who were posting “Jesus is my Valentine”? Ew. So, your valentine is over 2,000 years old? That’s pretty gross. But what the hell, if Hugh Hefner can get away with it, why not Jesus?

    • nillalatte

      Awww… will u be my Valentine TUK? Muwah! <3

      • That Ugly Kid

        Never been with a white woman before. Could be a nice experience. Do you know how to cook Soul Food, though? Because if not…I don’t think this can work…

        • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

          If Kim K can make Collard greens anything is possible

        • nillalatte

          TUK, I’m southern dear, of course I know how to cook soul food & more. And, you would need plenty of energy ’cause when mamas cooking, things in the kitchen get fire code violation status! :D If u can’t handle the heat, betta stay out of my kitchen! lol

    • Todd

      Oh and as for all the jaded, single b*tches who were posting “Jesus is my Valentine”? Ew. So, your valentine is over 2,000 years old? That’s pretty gross. But what the hell, if Hugh Hefner can get away with it, why not Jesus?

      #shotsfired

      And leave Hef alone. He’s one of the hometown heroes from your city. LOL

      • camilleblue

        Hef = gag reflex….and not the “good” kind…

        • Negro Libre

          Why does he make you gag?

          • IcePrincess3

            Rite! My sugar daddy is 75 yrs old. I love & adore him. It’s not romantic love, but over the years I’ve grown to really care for him. I’m proud to be seen on his arm in public; I see everyone giving us the side eye, but I don’t care! He’s hands-down the smartest person I kno, & that’s incredibly sexy to me! We don’t have sex, (he’s physically incapable, but he f*cks my MIND, and I love it!

            • camilleblue

              @Ice – girl…by all means…make it do what it do….If you love him, then I like him….ijs…it’s just not my thing…

          • camilleblue

            @Negro….he just always seems like he’s doing the most…I know that cenetarians need/deserve love too, but that love isn’t going to come from me…and honestly…some older people just don’t seem that old, but he does – to me – …just my personal feelings

            • camilleblue

              *centenarians*

            • Negro Libre

              But what does that have to do with him making you gag though?

              • camilleblue

                He makes me gag b/c it just seems like he’s trying to hard to hang on to his playboy image, and it’s just not attracative/appealing to me at all…when I see him on tv all hugged up/kissing on multiple women..it just turns my stomach. There is nothing in those scenarios that makes me wish I was one of those women…I don’t take away his empire by any means…I’m just saying that for ME, Hugh Hefner makes me gag.

              • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

                BM,

                Don’t you feel like gagging when he is up thurr kissing his great, greater, and greatest grand children?! I’m all for older gentlemen dating younger ladies, BUT,you’ve got to be physically appealing. His skin seems like it can be stretched across the Atlantic. Listen, he is just yucky. God bless his heart I respect his hustle, A LOT!

                hEEYYY camilleblue!! :)

                • camilleblue

                  *waving*….heeeeyyyy CBBL we>>>here<<< on that…yuck!!

                  • Kema

                    I’m right with you two. Yuck!

                • namia

                  Skin stretching thats a new one..when i see him i think of wrinkled b%lls.there is no getting past that!

                • Negro Libre

                  I got no problem with it. But I’m a guy, and it’s easy for me to put myself in his shoes. When I see him, I see a man living out the dream of every man. He’s an inspiration.

                  • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

                    The dream here being what exactly?!

                    Being surrounded by young ripe beautiful women who don’t give a phakk about you but your money 24/7, 365? Ok.

                    Or having access to a delictable selection of ‘fresh’ [in age, i.e.] poonani?!

                    • Negro Libre

                      They’re not there for the money (they can’t get it) They’re there for the lifestyle.

                      And the ability to just hand over a model to your boy, right after he broke up or got a divorce is golden.

    • dmcmillian72


      Oh and as for all the jaded, single b*tches who were posting “Jesus is my Valentine”? Ew. So, your valentine is over 2,000 years old? That’s pretty gross. But what the hell, if Hugh Hefner can get away with it, why not Jesus?


      This quote made my day! I am STILL laughing! Thank you, TUK! =)

  • Malik

    Jackie Brown > Foxy Brown Pam Grier.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      Say it ain’t so!

      • Malik

        I mean it’s STILL Pam Grier so you can’t go wrong with either. But there are far more women that look like Foxy Brown Pam Grier than look like Jackie Brown Pam Grier.

    • DB

      No.

  • Lyneka

    Isn’t this whole post essentially about about not liking Valentine’s Day? Pre, post or during Valentine’s Day rants are best reserved for the young ‘uns. Like, really, who cares? I am proud to have aged to the point that there is no V-day hate in my walking life. The whining about why do people care about Valentine’s Day? Womp. The jokes about getting candy half price after Valentine’s Day? Double Womp if you’re an adult worried about candy. Epiphanies around Valentine’s Day? Wompity Womp womp. I’m riding on team love. Disdain for Valentine’s Day should be limited to under 25 year olds. Go find someone and tell ‘em you love ‘em.

    • annette_b

      “The jokes about getting candy half price after Valentine’s Day? Double Womp if you’re an adult worried about candy.”

      There is no age limit for appreciation of half-price chocolate, however that happy circumstance comes about.

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      Too cool and mature to care about Valentine’s day:
      Wompity-Womp-Womp-Womp :)

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      “Disdain for Valentine’s Day should be limited to under 25 year olds. Go find someone and tell ‘em you love ‘em.”

      Try telling that to those who have been hurt, LMAO!

      • Lyneka

        Everyone gets hurt. It’s called life. Folks can either be a victim or experienced. There’s no room for both. While hurt definitely shapes how you deal with circumstances, and naturally teaches you lessons, there’s no medal for being a victim.

        If infants gave up walking because they fell and bruised their knees, then there would be a lot of adults not walking. And, if a burn kept us away from the stove or fire, a lot of us would starve. You take these things and learn a lesson. What you do with it is an indication of who you are and not the person that did the hurting or harming.

  • Toria

    Dont complain about presents on facebook. Your bouquet of roses, chocolates, jewelry and tickets to Beyonce should NOT be accompanied by the caption “well I really wanted pink roses instead of red and were taking back the necklace tomorrow, but I guess he did good enough. At least he remembered to get me a gift, right?” All the while your money is still in your wallet cuz “sex should be enough.”

    Women like that really make me wish I could punch somebody thru the computer. Happens every holiday too. Be grateful dammit. If you don’t like the gift, exchange it ir whatever. But there’s no reason to shame someone like that to everybody. Its rude and ridiculous.

    And if you do that to me, not only am I taking back said gift but its also the last one you receive.

    • AfroPetite

      I honestly don’t understand how females (because obviously this day is about us) can complain about what gift they didn’t get on top of the gifts they actually did receive. It’s not like you got your significant other anything besides the promise of the same chex you give him any other day of the year.

      • Yoles

        this is what annoyed me the very most… selfish and ungrateful two very BIG warning signs in a partner… but she got a phatty though, so it’s all good 0__o

        • That Ugly Kid

          “but she got a phatty though, so it’s all good”

          Now you’re learning….

        • Todd

          You and AfroPetite gave me life this morning. There are some ungrateful female dogs out there, and a good chunk of said female dogs has either some preferred body parts or some great, ahem, “knowledge”. The smart man realizes how much body parts and “knowledge” are worth, which isn’t that much when attached to a female dog. :)

          • Toria

            Fr. Except in this case she really isn’t cute or adventurous enough to be pulling this mess. Just my opinion.

  • nillalatte

    Man, I ain’t a holiday person at all anyway, too damn much emphasis put on any one day when folks should be & showing love for peeps all ready all day. I don’t need a special day to tell folks that I love that I love them (or buy flowers or chocolate). So anyways,

    Que music…. every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end….

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xGytDsqkQY8

  • Secret Sauce

    If you’re complaining about Valentines Day on social media all day, then it’s a dead giveaway as to why you’re probably single and smell of peanut butter crackers.

    • Todd

      Church!

    • Breezy

      Peanut Butter crackers doe….LMBO!!!

      Ewwwww