Featured, Race & Politics

Quiz: Exactly How Hotep Are You?

Earlier today, B.o.B. submitted a first-ballot entry into the Hotep Hall-of-Fame with a diss track directed towards Neil Degrasse Tyson where the Atlanta “rapper” doubled down on his assertion that the world is, in fact, flat and not round. (And yes, this means he also believes Earth has an actual edge. Like a cliff. And you can fall off the edge. Of the Earth.)

Everything about this song is peak Hotep. The conspiracies about 9/11 and the Holocaust. References to Free Masons and the Illuminati. A bar where he calls science a “cult.” Which is like calling gravity a “nice idea.” I’m 99% sure he recorded this while rocking a tinfoil beret.

Anyway, while there’s no question B.o.B. is basking in his hotepian glory, as one of America’s most prominent HHNCs (head Hoteps in charge), he merely represents one end of the spectrum. Which begs the question: How exactly does one determine exactly how Hotep one is? Is there a rubric? A guidebook? If you suspect you possess some latent or Darth Hotep tendencies, how can you be sure?

I don’t have any answers to any of these questions. (I’m apparently not Hotep enough to know everything.) But I do have a 10 question quiz! When done, check out your score to see where you rate!

1. How often do you say the word “coon” or its several derivatives?

A) I don’t know. I don’t really use it that often. (-5 points)

B) Whenever I talk to one of my ace boon coons. (0 points)

C) At least twice in the morning before I brush my teeth, and approximately 22 to 37 times a day after that. (7 points)

2. The Willie Lynch letter is?

A) A letter some guy named Willie Lynch wrote, I guess. Maybe to his wife or something.(0 points)

B) Often cited, but proven fake. (0 points)

C) The reason why shows like Empire exist today. (12 points)

3. How do you feel about the country-wide conspiracy to emasculate and effeminize Black males?

A) The what to what and what??? (-10 points)

B) Is effeminize even a word? (0 points)

C) If you spell “saggin” backwards, it’s niggas. Which is how all these young brothas have been brainwashed into showing the White man they brown asses. (17 points)

4. Jaden Smith is?

A) Weird, but whatever. I’d probably be too if I grew up rich enough to live in a home with disappearing walls. (1 point)

B) My spirit animal. (-22 points)

C) Proof that the plot is working. (14.5 points)

5. EBONY Magazine is…

A) The only magazine my great aunt still subscribes to. (2 points)

B) Still a great place for nuanced, relevant, and vital conversations about Black life, love, politics, and culture. (0 points)

C) White owned. (9 points)

6. Where did you purchase the last documentary you watched?

A) Netflix, I think. I don’t really remember. That’s such an oddly specific question. (-7 points)

B) I don’t watch documentaries that often. Unless you count LAHH reunion shows. (-10 points)

C) From a guy in my barbershop, while I was also buying car insurance and Booty Talk 92. It was three-for-one deal day. (25 points)

7. What is a Negro Bed Wench?

A) I have no idea. (0 points)

B) A term that doesn’t really have much historical connection to slavery, and was invented rather recently for certain people to label Black women who happen to be feminists. (-2 points)

C) A Black feminist. (11 points)

8. How ashy are your ankles right now?

A) Huh? (1 point)

B) It’s kinda dry in this Panera I’m sitting in, so they’re probably ashy. My girl’s coming over later though, so I’ll lotion up before then. Can’t have more than five consecutive hours of ash. Because then it becomes chronic. (0 points)

C) I don’t do anything White: Women. Swine meat. Plastic sporks. Piano keys. Polar bears. And yes, that includes lotion. (17.8 points)

9. Homosexuality is…

A) Natural. Why are you even asking this question? (-5 points)

B) Not really my thing, but I don’t think about it much. Shit, I don’t think about it at all. I literally never think about gay people. Unless someone asks me about gay people. (2 points)

C) A European plague that’s spreading across the globe. Like One Direction. Or cottage cheese. (19 points)

10. Exactly how awake are you at this moment?

A) It’s the middle of the afternoon and the workday is almost over, so I guess I’m a little tired. (o points)

B) I’m rushing through this long-ass quiz so I can finally take a nap. (1 point)

C) I never sleep. And you wouldn’t either if you knew what I knew. (2737 points)

0-10 points: Your shins are likely lotioned, and you probably enjoy sleep. Which means you’re totally not Hotep.

11-25 points: You’re not Hotep. But you’ve definitely encountered Hoteps in the mist, and you gave up eating bacon for three weeks in the summer of 2008.

25 points or more: Your woke level is on 18,000 cups of espresso. You literally can not even blink your eyes because of the chance that you might be brainwashed again. And, there’s a slight possibility you might actually be B.o.B.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • AlwaysCC

    that damned question #3 got me lol but my shins are still shiny though…

    • KNeale

      Anything with the word “effeminized” should be very clear. Don’t get got!

  • Junegirl627

    -6 Y’all!!!!!

    Kinda knew that already but I took the test anyways.

  • Ari

    I would post this on my FB feed, but I have too many HOTEP “friends.” I’ll just sit back and read the comments.

    • cryssi

      I give zero f*cks and my brother might be hotep, lol.

      • Ari

        (In general) Neither do I, but today I am not in the mood for the pseudo-dialogue. This is the beginning of a good week! Lol.

        • cryssi

          Lol, I always reply with the blank stare emoji.

      • Me

        I’m seriously waiting for VSB to do a piece on how to survive life while being related to a Hotep Prince. I seriously avoid an entire state in this here union because of my sibling. Every time I visit this dude got a new theory on life, the economy, and the interpretation of God’s ACTUAL thoughts while penning the Bible.

        • cryssi

          I like to have fun with them and test how far their nonsense goes. I have a cousin who’s limits do not exist. The foolery is endless.

          Between my brother, cousins, and the fools I befriended in college, my Facebook time line stays on maximum hotep. Tariq Nasheed is their supreme Pharoah leading a coalition to go back to the “country” of Aafrika.

        • AshAlly08

          Yesss… I could’ve used that piece over the holidays. My Hotep uncle was too much.

        • Mary Burrell

          lol

    • MysteryMeat

      I posted it to mines out of shade from an arguement I got into yesterday at work. hehe…

      • Londa

        That’s Gabrielle Union level shade, right there. Good stuff. :-)

    • brothaskeeper

      I just wanted to upvote your avi. Nola Darling ushered me into puberty in a major way (I’ll spare the details)….

      • Ari

        Bol.

  • Agatha Guilluame

    I had 17 points right up until the last question cuz I stay woke.

  • Junegirl627

    All jokes aside, what is a willie lynch letter and do I lose black points because I don’t know. I mean I know i’m not woke. I don’t refer to commitment as Yoked. I don’t like sweet potatoes and I’ve seen an episode of the wire. So I get worry about my standing in the black community and I don’t want to get thrown off the island.

    • KNeale

      No sweet potatoes, no entry. sorry! ;)

      • Junegirl627

        Nah homie…. I make the yellow potato salad at barbecues and I still add ham hocks to my greens. I am appealing your decision and asking for probation ;P

        • KNeale

          ham hocks in the greens….you’re in

    • DBoySlim

      It was a letter that detailed the most effective ways to control black slaves. It was evil genius.

    • -h.h.h.-

      the willie lynch letter was an somewhat accurate letter on how whites can stifle black unity (in slave times, yet accurate for modern times) that may or may not have been written in the past (apparently no person by the name willie lynch exists).

    • [Insert Creative Name Here]
    • Furious Styles

      A hoax letter that became popular after Farrakhan read it in the Million Man March. All of the reasons it is a hoax are outlined here:
      http://manuampim.com/lynch_hoax1.html

      If you never go to the link, what you need to know is that (a) nobody ever found the original document. (b) no historians who have studied slavery for a living ever alluded to it before the 90s (c) many hoteps know that it is a fake document but keep referring to it in order to “wake up” black folk (consciously lying to black folk when it’s convenient) (d) white people aren’t omnipotent gods that gave a speech two centuries ago that caused us to be unable to “get right” since then (e) it ignores the resistance, creativity, and institution building we have done since then (f) knowing this speech or repeating it has done nothing to affect marriage rates, murder rates, graduation rates, or any other social problem.
      I guess “woke” is relative.

      • Cha Cha Slidivan

        Yaaaasssss! Come through with the truth, Furious Styles! Come through!

        • Furious Styles

          Just doing the knowledge.

    • Elle J.

      You’re good with me queen! We all like what we like & thats ok. And whenever stuff like this interests you just check out google! I’ve formed all of my book lists & knowledge bases from google searches. I am so grateful that we are in the tech age because it makes ‘waking up’ so much easier! Best wishes for your higher/expanded learnings sis ?????

  • KNeale

    I was at -13! Which means I’m too sleep. But really if you think about it on the cycle of extremities I’ve met right back up with the hoteps.

  • PDL – Cape Girl

    Cackling at these questions. I’ll have to come back later and read

  • L8Comer

    This made me LOL “If you spell “saggin” backwards, it’s n i g g a s. Which is how all these young brothas have been brainwashed into showing the White man they brown a s s e s. ”

    Also, I never understood why people say homosexuality is unnatural when it occurs in nature all the time… QTNA

    ETA: Oh yea, – 15 y’all. Although I did go through a Hotep-ish phase when I was a preteen, sans the misogyny.

    • Gbadebo

      Why would someone pay attention to something as inconsequential as nature or science when talking about homosexuality?!?
      C’mon son.

  • Madame Zenobia

    -26. I’m Hotep Deficient. I feel good about that.

  • Shay-d-Lady

    bruh. LMAO

    BRUH!!!!

    Wait.
    I cant breave!!!!!!!
    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More Like This