Ivory Way Productions
Earlier today, B.o.B. submitted a first-ballot entry into the Hotep Hall-of-Fame with a diss track directed towards Neil Degrasse Tyson where the Atlanta “rapper” doubled down on his assertion that the world is, in fact, flat and not round. (And yes, this means he also believes Earth has an actual edge. Like a cliff. And you can fall off the edge. Of the Earth.)
Everything about this song is peak Hotep. The conspiracies about 9/11 and the Holocaust. References to Free Masons and the Illuminati. A bar where he calls science a “cult.” Which is like calling gravity a “nice idea.” I’m 99% sure he recorded this while rocking a tinfoil beret.
Anyway, while there’s no question B.o.B. is basking in his hotepian glory, as one of America’s most prominent HHNCs (head Hoteps in charge), he merely represents one end of the spectrum. Which begs the question: How exactly does one determine exactly how Hotep one is? Is there a rubric? A guidebook? If you suspect you possess some latent or Darth Hotep tendencies, how can you be sure?
I don’t have any answers to any of these questions. (I’m apparently not Hotep enough to know everything.) But I do have a 10 question quiz! When done, check out your score to see where you rate!
1. How often do you say the word “coon” or its several derivatives?
A) I don’t know. I don’t really use it that often. (-5 points)
B) Whenever I talk to one of my ace boon coons. (0 points)
C) At least twice in the morning before I brush my teeth, and approximately 22 to 37 times a day after that. (7 points)
2. The Willie Lynch letter is?
A) A letter some guy named Willie Lynch wrote, I guess. Maybe to his wife or something.(0 points)
B) Often cited, but proven fake. (0 points)
C) The reason why shows like Empire exist today. (12 points)
3. How do you feel about the country-wide conspiracy to emasculate and effeminize Black males?
A) The what to what and what??? (-10 points)
B) Is effeminize even a word? (0 points)
C) If you spell “saggin” backwards, it’s niggas. Which is how all these young brothas have been brainwashed into showing the White man they brown asses. (17 points)
4. Jaden Smith is?
A) Weird, but whatever. I’d probably be too if I grew up rich enough to live in a home with disappearing walls. (1 point)
B) My spirit animal. (-22 points)
C) Proof that the plot is working. (14.5 points)
5. EBONY Magazine is…
A) The only magazine my great aunt still subscribes to. (2 points)
B) Still a great place for nuanced, relevant, and vital conversations about Black life, love, politics, and culture. (0 points)
C) White owned. (9 points)
6. Where did you purchase the last documentary you watched?
A) Netflix, I think. I don’t really remember. That’s such an oddly specific question. (-7 points)
B) I don’t watch documentaries that often. Unless you count LAHH reunion shows. (-10 points)
C) From a guy in my barbershop, while I was also buying car insurance and Booty Talk 92. It was three-for-one deal day. (25 points)
7. What is a Negro Bed Wench?
A) I have no idea. (0 points)
B) A term that doesn’t really have much historical connection to slavery, and was invented rather recently for certain people to label Black women who happen to be feminists. (-2 points)
C) A Black feminist. (11 points)
8. How ashy are your ankles right now?
A) Huh? (1 point)
B) It’s kinda dry in this Panera I’m sitting in, so they’re probably ashy. My girl’s coming over later though, so I’ll lotion up before then. Can’t have more than five consecutive hours of ash. Because then it becomes chronic. (0 points)
C) I don’t do anything White: Women. Swine meat. Plastic sporks. Piano keys. Polar bears. And yes, that includes lotion. (17.8 points)
9. Homosexuality is…
A) Natural. Why are you even asking this question? (-5 points)
B) Not really my thing, but I don’t think about it much. Shit, I don’t think about it at all. I literally never think about gay people. Unless someone asks me about gay people. (2 points)
C) A European plague that’s spreading across the globe. Like One Direction. Or cottage cheese. (19 points)
10. Exactly how awake are you at this moment?
A) It’s the middle of the afternoon and the workday is almost over, so I guess I’m a little tired. (o points)
B) I’m rushing through this long-ass quiz so I can finally take a nap. (1 point)
C) I never sleep. And you wouldn’t either if you knew what I knew. (2737 points)
0-10 points: Your shins are likely lotioned, and you probably enjoy sleep. Which means you’re totally not Hotep.
11-25 points: You’re not Hotep. But you’ve definitely encountered Hoteps in the mist, and you gave up eating bacon for three weeks in the summer of 2008.
25 points or more: Your woke level is on 18,000 cups of espresso. You literally can not even blink your eyes because of the chance that you might be brainwashed again. And, there’s a slight possibility you might actually be B.o.B.