Quiz: Exactly How Black Are You? » VSB

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Quiz: Exactly How Black Are You?

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1. If at a cookout, what’s the most important question you can ask?

A) Is the meat ready yet?

B) Who made the potato salad?

C) You were supposed to bring the foil. Why do you never remember to bring the foil?

2. Have you seen 12 Years a Slave yet?

A) Yeah, I saw it when it was in the theater.

B) No, and I have no plans to either.

C) I keep trying to — it’s on HBO now — but I know I’d have to call off of work that week because I’d be too angry at White people to do my job, so I’ll probably just wait till Christmas break in 2017 or something when I have enough PTO days.

3. Which year was the best year for light skinned Black men?

A) 1988

B) 2016

C) Whichever year it was that Shemar Moore had the cornrow wig in Diary of a Mad Black Woman

4. If you happen to see an attractive Black woman and you want to get her phone number, what’s the best way to approach her?

A) Say “Hi.”

B) Tell her you’re new in town, and you’re trying to find out where to “brunch.” (Not “go to brunch.” Just “brunch.”)

C) Be Idris Elba, and don’t be anyone other than Idris Elba.

5. What do you do when the Wobble comes on?

A) Sit or take the opportunity to get a drink.

B) Wobble, of course!

C) I don’t know. I rarely hear that song when I go out.

6. Nigerian weddings are…

A) Literally the best time you will ever have, especially if you’re not Nigerian and this is your first Nigerian wedding.

B) Cool, I guess? I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been to one.

C) Why I won’t marry a Nigerian.

7. Do you have a niece who can sing better than Rihanna?

A) Yes

B) This is kind of a trick question, because I’m assuming everyone has a niece who can sing better than Rihanna.

8. You have a Facebook account, but you’ve given serious thought to shutting it down because…

A) Everyone’s on Twitter and Instagram now.

B) My cousins keep posting stuff from The News Nerd and telling everyone it’s real, and I keep getting mad when all their internet-challenged friends believe them.

C) I really only use it to stalk exes.

9. How many scented candles are currently in your place of residence?

A) A couple, maybe

B) 12 to 24

C) Over 25

10. Have you ever purchased clothes, DVDs, mixtapes, appliances, home owners insurance, or pornography while at the hair salon or barbershop?

A) Yes

B) No

Answer key: B, C, B, A, B, A, B, B, C, A

Results: 10 — You are Marcus Garvey playing dominoes with Audre Lourde in Compton. You cannot possibly be any more Black.

7-9 — You’re in the perfect Blackness sweet spot. Black enough to never have it questioned, but not so Black that your Blackness makes less Black Blacks insecure. Basically, you’re Don Cheadle.

4-6 — Still safe, but you should probably learn how to Wobble.

3 or below — How did you even find this quiz?

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Keisha Rhines

    Score: 2! How I even find this site? HAHAHA! I need to get more in touch with my people. I thought I accomplished that by going to a HBCU! Wrong! LOL

    • Andrea

      Deuces!

    • Rachmo

      And your name is Keisha. KEISHA!!!

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        No its not. Its Quantalisharihanna now.

  • Mari

    LMAOOO! I literally recited option b for #1, without even looking at the options. As a result, my 4 counts for some damn thing! :-) Dominicans put anyone’s potato salad through high scrutiny.

  • Charlisia Nwachukwu

    I got 4. “4-6 — Still safe, but you should probably learn how to Wobble. “< — I love the wobble and it has crossed over … we wobbled at Cinco de Mayo and the last "white" wedding I went to. I think a better question is if you do the regular wobble or if you have adopted these fancy turns and foot work I see added lately. hahaha

  • CamCamtheGreat

    4 seems to be an early trend. Add me to the list.

    I have serious problems with #8 tho! I can’t with the News Nerd and these non-researching ah heauxs out here. Just believe every-damn-thing because it’s online.

    • Keisha

      RIGHT!!! That has to be the most irritating thing ever. I used to show them the information they shared was false, but now I just leave them in their ignorance.

    • Those are the worst. Especially when its about someone allegedly saying something racist

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    1) D – Where’s the liquor at?
    2) D – I’m going to watch it, but I have the attention span of a 2-year old, and probably need drugs to fix that
    3) A – One name: Al B. Sure
    4) D – Impersonate an NSA agent and tell her I can make sure her calls aren’t tracked anymore
    5) D – Pull out of my phone and record, because somebody’s baby momma done made an a$s of herself
    6) B – African Mami, help me out!
    7) C – I don’t know anyone who can sing like Rihanna or better, therefore my standards are low
    8) D – I’m technically stupid when I used to be technically that N*GGA and I don’t even try anymore
    9) D – Enough to scorch the Earth 3 times over, and leave this b*tch smelling like jasmine and peppermint
    10) A

    With this I prove, I’m somewhere Black enough to know Bigge lyrics, but white enough to get along with 16-year old girls, and nobody is going to suspect anything fishy.

    • Why are you “getting along” with 16 year olds? I hope you are 16!

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        I never grew up, I just look 120.

      • I dunno what it is, but jailbait and the barely legal crowd loves them some thirty-something men. I dunno what that’s about.

        • Neptunes presents The Clones

          You know this how

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Are you sure that’s a question you’re prepared to hear an answer for?

          • Recent experience of me telling girls, “um… My niece is the same age as you, jussayin”

            • Neptunes presents The Clones

              I see

              • Meridian

                He’s lying. Young girls think older men are creepy and scary. There’s a magical age range though where older men can throw a person into heat just by having a grey in his beard.

                • Neptunes presents The Clones

                  What age is this

                  • Meridian

                    21-26. They want a daddy but also to be with someone who has it together enough to show them a thing or two. They have this “been around the world/bedroom” quality and the girls are fresh into exploring it.

                    • Um, my niece is at the bottom end of that age range. That’s my point. I have a daughter. Why do I want to hump a daughter AZ well?

                    • Meridian

                      Oh. I was referring to the “jailbait loves the 30 and over crowd” + “I have to tell girls they’re too young for me by the droves” element. There’s always a few fast girls but that’s not a normal thing amongst that age group. A daughter AZ? What do you mean by that?

                    • That should have been as well. My autocorrect is killing me. LOL

                    • Meridian

                      I hate that! It takes me so long to put up a comment sometimes because I have to go back and fix what autocorrect did. Just inconvenient as h*ll for no reason.

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      First world problems, we got so many

                    • Meridian

                      I would get an app that I could just talk to and it would type for me, but Siri would get jealous and delete it. #FirstWorldProblems

    • pls

      your number 3 is the same reason i chose 88!

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        That boy had the game on lock so bad, that I still sing his songs like they brand new

    • IcePrincess

      Your #1 is me everywhere I go, not just a cookout lol

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        We are alcoholic twins, I thought I made this clear already.

    • Neptunes presents The Clones

      Agents do not expose themselves as agents

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Hence why it would be a joke and I’d laugh my as$ off at anyone who took me seriously

  • I got 5, but I know how to Wobble, so…

  • Melvin D. Clayton

    I got 4 & I’m cool w/ not knowing how to Wobble…I can Electric Slide doe!

  • “I’m going to work on my blackness today” -Arian Foster

    I got a 4 but your auntie wants to do the wobble with me. Come at me bro

    • Meridian

      I got a 5. Yay! *takes your spot amongst our people*

  • I got 3 (hangs head in shame).

  • No way I got a 3. This quiz is rigged.

    • Wild Cougar

      I agree. I got 3 too. This is blackness as defined by Champ, which is a narrow sliver of blackness that mirrors his life cuz he needs constant validation. Cuz Pittsburgh, or something

      • guest

        lololol!

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