PSA: 5 Rules of Public Restroom Etiquette

Posted on 13 November, 2009 by Panama Jackson

public restroom I know a lot of people swear they don’t use the bathroom at work. Quite frankly I think they’re full of sh*t.

Pun.

The fact is, everybody at some point ends up having to use a public restroom. Nobody likes doing this, but it is a necessary evil (as somebody pointed out yesterday). Since it’s a necessity, wouldn’t the world be a better place if there were rules of common decency that everybody was forced to abide by? Better yet, what if they were actually enforceable?

I’m getting excited just thinking about it.

Well, lucky for you, Panama is a humanitarian whose sole wish in this life is to heal the world and make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race. Without the intense physical facial deformity and all.

So because I love you, here are some rules to this sh*t, this public restroom sh*t (by the way, I wrote me a manual).

Please paste these rules up in your place of employment. Though people should know these things from common sense…apparently some sh*t just needs to be said.

Rule 1: Wash your hands because I don’t want to do the Balkan Sea Scratching Dance

It amazes me how many nasty motherf*ckers there are in the world. People that will walk into a crowded restroom, use it, then walk right out touching whatever their hearts desire without even a drop of water touching their tainted flesh. And folks wonder why there are people out there walking around with face masks and rubber gloves on the street.

Cuz nasty motherf*ckers LIVE.

Rule 2: There is no love in the champagne room, and there should be no talking in the bathroom UNLESS we are BOTH at the sink washing our hands (see Rule 1).

I don’t know about you, but if I’m standing at a urinal handling my business (or squatting at a stall for my ladies out there), I really do not want to have a conversation about the Miami Heat, swine flu, or Lady Gaga while I’m making piss hearts on the porcelain. I want to be able to concentrate in peace. There is no matter on Earth THAT pressing that it must be spoken of while another grown ass man/woman is handling toiletries. Only if Jesus has just showed up in the office elevator should you speak to me.

You know what, let’s take this a step further. If I’m sitting in a stall and you recognize my shoes, do not speak to me. I do not like that sh*t.

Rule 3: If you are in a bathroom where there are available stalls, always make sure there is a one stall buffer between you and the person next to you, if possible.

This perplexes me. Let’s be real, taking a sh*t is a very personal thing. It’s bad enough that you decided that you couldn’t wait until you got home, but the fact that somebody sat next to you makes the situation even worse. It makes you claustrophobic AND it pisses you off because you know there are available stalls.

Look, just don’t sit in the stall next to somebody. It just isn’t right.

And speaking of bathroom habits…

Rule 4: Taking a crap should not sound like you’re going into labor at work. It just shouldn’t.

It’s been established that taking a crap is a personal thing. There is no reason in HELL I should feel like I’m in the stall with you coaching and coaxing you to the finish line. Nothing makes me feel more uncomfortable than to walk into the bathroom to a bunch of grunting, wheezing, and heavy breathing. It’s just not right. I know sometimes you just don’t feel good and you gotta go. However, be a little more considerate. I don’t want to be forced to hear a loud grunt then a big plop in the water. Give me one or the other but preferably neither.

Thank you.

Rule 5: After stanking up the whole bathroom, do not, I repeat, do not spray on any body spray in hopes of masking the sh*t laden stench your pores are emitting.

Word to the wise…sh*t+body spray smells like sh*t+body spray. The two never mix the way you think they do. You will offend people and make me talk about you. You’re lilac body spray never quite covers up the smell of ass monkeys.

You just smell like LILAC SH*T.

I simply cannot emphasize this enough.

So good proprietors of VSB, are there any other rules to bathroom etiquette that need outlining?

Share. But ta-ta, don’t share too much (see Rule 4).

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Satya

Please flush as soon as the kids fall in the pool. Do not allow the poo to linger and carry on your stench!
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @Satya,
  
  “allow the poo to linger”
  
  this sounds like the hook on a bass or house music track
  - http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
    
    @The Champ, or a cranberries spoof song…
    
    “…do you have to let it linger…doyou have to, do you have too…”
  - http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie
    
    @The Champ,
    
    LMAO. It does.
- cam1ll3
  
  @Satya,
  
  AMEN. that was the absolute first thing i thought of. dunk n flush is what i like to call it. if you’re really tight with your sh*t (guffaw), you’ll dunkflushnspray–and spray should be antiseptic aerosol like lysol linen or oust. bath and body works ain’t got the strength for bm’s resulting from the chipotle burrito you scarfed down at lunch. thank you. and tell a friend.
http://Ifollowyall...findme. LittleMissStrange

Printing out as we speak……

I do the one stall space because of the talking…Heifers at my job will talk through the whole pissing process…while taking a sh!t.

My company is off….just off. But then, the strangest, skanky, chicks rock the ladies room. I think that room is zoned for drama and coonery.
- http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.
  
  @LittleMissStrange,
  
  At my old gig, a chick I could not stand decided to talk to me while she was in the stall next to mine. Then I smelled an odor. I was out done on so many levels.
  - http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
    
    @V.E.G., I was out done on so many levels.
    
    i cant decide if this is a pun or not.
    - http://stickwityocat.blogspot.com V.E.G.
      
      @Panama Jackson,
      
      It was not.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @LittleMissStrange,
  
  welcome and sh*t
  - http://Ifollowyall...findme. LittleMissStrange
    
    @The Champ,
    
    Thanks and sh!t. Im a regular, just changed the name.
http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

Important rule: Flush w/ ur feet if possible. I ALWAYS do it. I get all stretchy when it’s time for that. I DO NOT touch them public flushes. But the bottom of my shoe does.

Also: Get some strong hamstrings. Squat. Booty shouldn’t touch the toilet seat. You may F around and get foot & mouth disease if it does. UNCLEAN!!!
- A-Town Genius
  
  @Luvvie,
  
  I don’t squat cause usually if I just HAVE to go and do it at work it’s gonna be a minute. However I will use a half roll of toilet tissue just to cover the seat before I even sit down. I almost feel like an artist when I’m done covering that seat
  - http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
    
    @A-Town Genius, a minute huh…
    
    i’m often tickled at the folks who i see walk into the bathroom with a newspaper or book with no shame whatsoever…
    - http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie
      
      @Panama Jackson,
      
      LOL!
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @Luvvie,
  
  Flush w/ ur feet if possible.
  
  this sounds gay
- cam1ll3
  
  @Luvvie,
  
  yeah squatting is the move. people sprinkle the seat and don’t wipe. i ain’t with mr. kelly…i don’t like pee on me.
http://Ifollowyall...findme. LittleMissStrange

Oh yeah. Please dont take your old WEAVE out your sweaty, need to be washed hair….

Your stray weave balls are getting caught in my dress shoes, thanks.
- http://lizburr.com Liz
  
  *dead*
  - http://Ifollowyall...findme. LittleMissStrange
    
    @Liz,
    
    The next hairball Im posting up for you
- http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.
  
  @LittleMissStrange,
  
  On a somewhat related note, some sista in my office is shedding hair like crazy. It’s all over the toilet seats, in the sink. It’s ridiculous.
  - http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
    
    @V.E.G., you know, i’m starting to think that the women’s restroom is nastier than most women think the men’s bathroom is
    - Miss Patterson
      
      @Panama Jackson, it is. trust me. it is. you might rethink your s3xual preference after taking a tour of a random ladies room.
    - The One & True GEM… of the Ocean
      
      @Panama Jackson,
      
      ive encountered some pretty gross women’s restrooms. but ive never encountered a clean men’s restroom or a men’s restroom that was actually cleaner than the women’s. men tend to just nasty pissers by default. so if you have really nasty men, then it just compounds the issue. ugh.
    - cam1ll3
      
      @Panama Jackson,
      
      ain’t no maybe. we’re notoriously gross unfortunately.
http://www.thesoleblog.com TheSoledad

Amen to rule 5. Masking the problem doesn’t work…event if it’s OUST. Public restrooms are definitely a necessary evil.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @TheSoledad,
  
  welcome and sh*t, i think
Happy Meal

and of course there’s always the “if you tinkle when you sprinkle rule”.
- The One & True GEM… of the Ocean
  
  @Happy Meal,
  
  there’s nothing worse than seeing urine sprayed all over a toilet seat. even tho my @$$ never comes close to touching the seat, i still dont want to SEE some one’s piss.
  
  which also reminds me… if you take a crap, flush all the remainder away!! i should never have to see your residual in the toilet cuz you weren’t courteous enough to get rid of it all. uugghhh that’s soooo gross!!
  - http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
    
    @The One & True GEM… of the Ocean, there’s nothing worse than seeing urine sprayed all over a toilet seat. even tho my @$$ never comes close to touching the seat, i still dont want to SEE some one’s piss.
    
    wait…this happens in the women’s restroom? women have aim problems???
    - Miss Patterson
      
      @Panama Jackson, YES. women have terrible aim. think about it. we don’t have a shooter.
      - http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
        
        @Miss Patterson, but you start with an advantage of hovering DIRECTLY over the hole, which in my countries, is fairly damn big. you dont need a shooter to drop a quarter in the ocean.
    - The One & True GEM… of the Ocean
      
      @Panama Jackson,
      
      yes, this happens ALL the time. its probably from women who squat. some women spray, apparently, instead of having a single, neat stream. either way, clean up after yourself!!! no reason for you not to wipe the seat you just peed on!
It’s Me

To add on to the last rule
A) drop and flush. As soon as it drops flush
B) while body spray doesn’t cover the smell. Sulfur does a decent job, so strike a match before during(multiple times) and after.

6.To all that use the stalls (mainly women) Please check behind yourself. That means turn around and make sure you left that joint in the same or better conditions than you left it.
- charli skipper
  
  @It’s Me,
  
  “That means turn around and make sure you left that joint in the same or better conditions than you left it.”
  
  yes! i love it. “be the change you want to see in the world.” lol
  - http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
    
    @charli skipper, yay for inspiration in the restroom.
- http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.
  
  @It’s Me,
  
  As gross as it sounds, I have been known to clean up a ladies room stall the best I could just b/c it was soooo nasty, I didn’t want another woman walking in on the mess I walked in on. This is all before I go (and, of course, after I’ve surveyed and found no clean stalls).
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @It’s Me,
  
  B) while body spray doesn’t cover the smell. Sulfur does a decent job, so strike a match before during(multiple times) and after.
  
  who carries matches though?
  - http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like
    
    @The Champ,
    
    who carries matches though?
    
    a) Smokers?
    b) Same people who bring their own hot sauce everywhere.
    
    Choose your own adventure.
    - V Renee
      
      @Stuff Ghetto People Like,
      
      ::snickering::
- http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie
  
  @It’s Me,
  
  “A) drop and flush. As soon as it drops flush”
  
  Yes, this is a must in public bathrooms. You can eliminate at lot of the stinky with this method. lol
overit

I don’t want to be forced to hear a loud grunt then a big plop into the water.

OMG, lol…this happened to me while i was watching my hands TODAY. i hate it cause then i end up trying to rush out trying to avoid an awkward scene. it has been my observation that some races are just comfortable with farts, etc. like, some folks will fart, shoot you a breezy (pun) “scuse me!”, and bound away all chipper. meanwhile, you’re like…how is that OK??

luvvie was on point with the flushing with your foot thing, co-damn-sign.

people are rude and uncouth.
- charli skipper
  
  @overit,
  
  it makes me really uncomfortable when people make sounds. i feel like an odor is soon to follow. like, even if i don’t smell anything, i get in a panic and rush out.
  “couth” is one of my favorite words, though.
- Caballeroso
  
  @overit,
  
  …if you can’t rip one in the crapper, then where can you?
  - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
    
    @Caballeroso,
    
    thats what im thinking. i guess she’d rather people start taking dumps on her desk
- http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
  
  @overit, OMG, lol…this happened to me while i was watching my hands TODAY.
  
  why were you watching your hands in the bathroom?
  - Anj…
    
    @Panama Jackson,
    
    STOP IT!!! I am at work… they keep asking me what’s so funny…mind ya own, that’s what!!
- cam1ll3
  
  @overit,
  
  a few years back i was in a stall waaaay in the corner and another lady came in. i heard the passage of wind (loudly), a grunt and then she mumbled “come on, gas!”
  
  why are we talking out loud to our poots?
  - NiazDad, enjoying the sandbox..
    
    @cam1ll3, LMAO….wow…that had to be hella funny to hear though…
    - cam1ll3
      
      @NiazDad, enjoying the sandbox..,
      
      it is now. not so much then.
charli skipper

can we talk about how mike tyson just got arrested?

kidding….i just wants my award, The Champ.

um….but re: the topic
:
–i just want women to not be triflin. if there are certain biological needs you need to take care of, please be discreet. i don’t want to see pads strewn about the bathroom instead of in the little waste basket! i always feel so sorry for the cleaning people when grown a*s women get out of pocket.

–i can’t cosign the hand washing issue enough. um……………i don’t want to talk about race. but…..i just need everybody to wash the hands with soap. hell, at least respect me enough to pretend and do a 3 second vanity sprinkle.

–unless it’s an emergency or you’re just going into the bathroom to have some privacy, i don’t think people should be talking on cell phones in bathrooms. it bothers me to hear somebody “making” while carrying on a full conversation. cuz that’s that same nasty bastard that will do a 3 second vanity sprinkle, then come back to the lunch table and slam that filthy a*s cellphone down next to my iced tea.

–also, i don’t know if this can be a rule, but it annoys me to no end when ill-a-formed lookin 2520 girls that think they’re cute block the mirror & sink space. take a glance, realize those split ends aren’t goin anywhere and then move , waynch. like, why do i have to use this bathroom break as an opportunity to teach you about the limitations of time and space?
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @charli skipper,
  
  can we talk about how mike tyson just got arrested?
  
  kidding….i just wants my award, The Champ.
  
  award deez
- http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson
  
  @charli skipper, –i just want women to not be triflin. if there are certain biological needs you need to take care of, please be discreet. i don’t want to see pads strewn about the bathroom instead of in the little waste basket! i always feel so sorry for the cleaning people when grown a*s women get out of pocket.
  
  at my club, we used to a lesbian party. i can’t tell you how bad i felt for our cleaning crew at the end of the night up in the women’s bathroom and all the pads and nastiness all over.
  
  yech.
- cam1ll3
  
  @charli skipper,
  
  lol@vanity sprinkle!!
  
  yeah…can folks leave the stall in a fashion where i don’t know why you were in there, just that you were in there? walk with some lady wipes or something…please. i don’t want to receive your nasal memo about any visitors you have (hint hint nudge nudge)
MzKang

Oh man, I have serious germ & OCD issues around public bathrooms. Co-sign on all the aforementioned rules. My blanket rule is get in and out with touching the least amount of things possible. I’ll go ahead and keep it at that so too much info is not shared, lol.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @MzKang,
  
  My blanket rule is get in and out with touching the least amount of things possible.
  
  this is exactly how i feel during my nights at luvvie’s
  - HUPirate in NY
    
    @The Champ, My blanket rule is get in and out with touching the least amount of things possible.
    
    this is exactly how i feel during my nights at luvvie’s
    
    Funny for taking shots @ luvvie LMFAO!
    i tend to use the same rules, although i cant get down with the “squatting” thing. decorating the seat with as many layers as Possible never fails. And i also do use the “flush with your foot” method, its very affective and you actually get a full flush!
    Lastly when washing your hands i take the towel i used to dry my hands to open the door then throw it in the trash. I had to do this cause i was in the bathroom w/my boss and noticed he doesnt wash his hands(grossed me out- i never want to shake his hand again or take any papers from him)
    for monday’s post, cant you pleeeease discuss work etiquette(personal calls, printing, small talk, elevator rules, etc.) i alway’s have to hear personal phone calls from the women behind me(one speaks in hebrew- soooo annoying) if you post it i’ll print it and give it to her