Yesterday we had depth. Today, we go practical.
Lions, tigers, and bears? Mere childsplay.
Having automotive problems in a low-income community where the population has a combined annual income of 37 cents and a stick of gum? Sounds like pure sunshine.
Having the tongs of Thor clamp down on my nether regions in the universe’s most intense game of “Uncle”? I scoff at such displays of plebianism.
Pissing of a Black woman? I’d rather eat my spleen with Captain’s Hook and Iago’s beak.
I know grown men who are deathly afraid of Black women. Now, that’s not to say that we’re afraid of them in general, it’s more the wrath of a nubian queen when she’s tested by somebody she doesn’t deem worthy of handing out Scantrons. And that’s just when your order is wrong at a restaurant. Heaven (only knows) forbid you ask her a dumb question! You’re looking at a possible full on embarassment with a side of “somebody musta done told you wrong.”
By the way, this is not just something white people do. This transcends race as people of all spectrums have gone wronger than MC Hammer at H&R Block. Take a gander, but leave my money, beeeyotch.
1. “Girl look at your a**, your a** is so phat!”
Aside from the general uncouthness here, unless you’re on a pr0n video shoot, there’s no good reason to just utter this out of the blue. Well, not directly anyway. Yelling from afar where it is difficult to discern who said it is probably the best time to do that. Now that I think about it, if you are able to tell how phat a girl’s bootay is from at least 300 paces, I definitely think that you should call attention to it as a sort of community service. Fine hind parts are to be admired and respected, and shared with the viewing public. Oh and if the chick’s name includes -qua, ‘, *, or a number (or any combination thereof), you can totally say this to her and it will be received well.
Liiiiiiiiike, “Hey Qua’qua*qua0, girl, look at your a**, your a** is so phat!”
“Oooooooooooooh, Steveandoorestadojuan, I know. You ain’t gon’ touch it though, you got the cooties.”
2. “B*************tch!”
Unless you’re another Black woman, this is frowned upon more than Amy Winehouse at a Mother’s Against Looking Like Sh*t meeting (MALLS). Plus this one almost GUARANTEES a response. God forbid she’s of Latino descent because you’re going to get cursed out in syntax you’ve never dreamed of.
3. “You are so ghetto.” <—See how I enunciated that? I speak so well. Bumaye Obama.
Especially if you aren’t Black. Not sure when white people started to think they knew what “ghetto” was – probably after the South Central LA movie rush of the early 90s and then anything starring Mo’Nique thereafter – but that’s one of the worst things you can call a Black woman. For one, you’ve probably never seen ghetto…until that moment. You see, some of us Black people have misplaced priorities. We like to enlighten the endarkened whenever possible. So if you call a Black woman ghetto, well, she just might show you ghetto. And it generally starts with your face meeting the ground and ends with two girls one cup.
4. “That’s why he’s dating white women.”
Ouch. If you are ever in earshot of this comment and there are Black women present, grab your Orville Redenbacher, move your chair and watch the fireworks. I envision this conversation would go look something like a pirahna attacking a teddy bear holding a picture of a starving kid from Colombia or Compton. You see, in a Black woman’s mind, there is no good reason why he’s dating a white woman, but you for DAMN sure don’t know why. And lawdhelpyou if her name is Qua’qua*qua0.
5. “You smell like chicken.”
Unless of course she does in which case, bite her.
6. “Black women have too much attitude.”
Do not poke the bear. Speaking of bears, was Winnie the Pooh gay? Or just eternally high?
7. “Your child looks Lavar Burton.”
Them’s fighting words.
8. ” Oh my gosh! Your hair is so rough!”
I actually can’t think of a single time this could ever have a positive spin to it. I mean, it might hurt my feeling if somebody said to me, “Panama, your hair looks like a brillo pad threw up and had triplets on your head”. And I’m bald. Chemo. Just don’t do it. Mel Gibson doesn’t hate Jewish people as much as that Black woman will hate you.
9. “If you will suck my soul, I will lick your funky emotions.”
Cuz, like, ewwwww.
10. “You look like the Earth.”
Unless she has on a headwrap. At which point, just start singing, “pick yo’ afro daddy, because it’s flat on one side.”
Okay, don’t do that.
Anyway, good folks of the VSB, what are some other things you should never say to a Black woman?
Someone stop the world!
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
Number 2 is my ultimate deal-breaker and if anyone, man or woman, utters it in my direction… hell hath no fury like Spinster scorned.
@Spinster, just an utterance?
like what if there just so happens to be a chickdog running the streets right by you and dude yells it out b/c perhaps he’s uber scientific and sh*t?
“Unless she has on a headwrap. At which point, just start singing, “pick yo’ afro daddy, because it’s flat on one side.”
Dead! That is all for now
*well you said you were gonna take me to a wu tang concert…*
@Satya, i told a chick with a perm to pick her afro once. she didn’t get it.
so i sang a song of sixpence and pull some rum out of my pocket.
@Panama Jackson, lol I love that song. When I used to work retail one of my coworkers joined in singing it with me. Mind you he’s the whitest man you’ve ever seen lol
One that grinds my gears to no end…
“You speak so well! Were you really born and raised in *insert some hood phi hood city here*?”
Good post though. All of these sitches awaken the eye buckin’ (though I can’t), finger pointin’, neck rollin’ beast in many.
@Beez (is back from under the shroud of darkness,
I get the you speak so well, are you sure you are from the hood comment from Black people as well. It is one of those things that those with excellent diction must endure.
@Beez (is back from under the shroud of darkness, you cant blame the white man though, you know you darkies can’t talk.
i mean have you LISTED to wacka flocka flame speak?
or what about Reh Dogg?
just saying.
@Panama Jackson,
and what is a wacka flocka anyway…lol
@Beez (is back from under the shroud of darkness,
When I get that whole “you speak so well” comment from whites, I love to see them struggle to find a P.C. response when I ask, “Why wouldn’t I?”
@Caballeroso,
This is totally something I would say. LOL
Then watch ‘em squirm.
@Caballeroso, my response usually is as follows:
Ritz: oh but you speak so well…
Me: [whispers]…” oh and I’s can read good too, and Columbia University gimme mes a de-gree. I’s real smart. oh shhh my masta comin…”
@Beez (is back from under the shroud of darkness, or the look of disdain wen people find out i can speak spanish, arabic, and italian. As if ebonics is the only language I was exposed to…
@Tahirah,
You showoff!
You kind of look like that chick from The View…not the chuuby one…the one with no eyebrows.
@Ms. Smart, i seent you. i’d be offended as hell if anybody ever said that to you.
now if you mean in general. anybody being called whoopi should be fighting words.
i mean, SHE AINT GOT NO EYEBROWS!
@Panama Jackson, Nobody’s said that to me. But I’ve seen it. It didn’t end well.
@Panama Jackson,
“anybody being called whoopi should be fighting words.”
Man, even Whoopi himself would be insulted by that insinuation.
@Cheekie,
LOL!
Good List!!
Two to add…
1. To piggy back off your #8, anything related to a black womens hair is pretty much off limits. Can I touch your hair? Is it real? What does it feel like?? Why are you natural? Is that all yours?
– A woman hair is a sworn secret between her and stylist and her supplier. Save yourself by not going there.
2. That’s a womens job.
–Seriously??
3. Asking for head in a round about way.
–”You better get your mother to suck your dick!”
@JumpOnIt, 2. That’s a womens job.
–Seriously??
what, you don’t think there are such things as woman’s jobs? like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and enduring daily sexism? sounds like woman’s work to me. maxwell just had that sh*t ALL wrong…or whatever the chick’s name is that wrote the song.
@Panama Jackson, Kate Bush. Which version do you like better? I know a lot of people who like hers better. I love Maxwell’s of course, and not cause he’s my husband and I have to support him. He’s just good.
loll.
@overit, i prefer maxwell’s version. something about the way he walks really slowly thru NY singing just lends a real visual.
then the whole water thing. like…slow motion falling in water? so hot.
@overit,
Yeah Kate Bush’s version is a good one, but I think Maxwell topped it.
@overit,
Maxwell.. sooo not your husband.. no offense to your relationship, but we def got a thing going. I saw him last year at the Festival.. O My Gawd!!
Anyway… his version is great.. but I heard the original on an episode of either Cold Case or Without A Trace… and whoa she killed it. So it depends on which version I am listening to.
@JumpOnIt,
1. To piggy back off your #8, anything related to a black womens hair is pretty much off limits. Can I touch your hair? Is it real? What does it feel like?? Why are you natural? Is that all yours?
As a VSS with loc’s I smiggitysmackin’ HATE when mofo’s ask “if it’s mine” combined with “Do you wash it?”
I DON’T roll my neck but the teeth sucking gets VEHEMENT before I pop off…”Do you wash your va~jay~jay?!!”
Freakin’ twit…it’s HAIR not a gremlin…I CAN wet it if I want!!!!
@Tenchi,
I’m natural, and between the offers to ??touch it?? what is it an exhibit?? Or the questions…
Seriously… I choose not to have my hair chemically processed. What is the big deal or the confusion?
3* to add…
– A woman hair is a sworn secret between her, her* stylist and her supplie
I can’t believe you outed Winnie like that!
Only thing i would add: making unsolicited sexual comments in a completely non-sexual context. As my grandmother would say, ain’t no need to be talking up under folks clothes
an example? my pleasure:
On an airplane, tired, headed home from trip #3421, seat mate is a middle aged white guy that I have never seen before
Him: so you headed home or leaving home?
Me: Happily, going home
Him: are you wearing a thong?
Me: Who the ^&^%#^* ^*%$# and what the ^*&&*&# the next time )*&^%! Nasty MF!!!
Him: Ms. Flight attendant, would it be possible for me to change seats?
@EbonyI, if you cant ask that question on a plane, where can you ask it?
@EbonyI,
UGH! And you gotta sit next to him for the whole flight?! lol Yeah, I would most definitely have to change seats as well. His snake (on the plane) needs to be stuffed back into his pants. Nasty arse!
@EbonyI,
Was he high? Or did he want a re-enactment of Up in the Air? Was he CRAZY?!?!?!
never diss the cooking. or act lukewarm about the cooking. anything along the lines of, “i dunno baby, i think there might have been a little too much salt in there” is liable to get a man cut where i come from.
@puff, YEP!
@puff, ok I aint black and neither is my mama but the other day I told her she put a little too much salt in some food. I think the only thing that spared me getting chopped up with a butcher knife is that I was holding her youngest grandson in my arms. We Hispanic/Latinos dont do well with you criticizing our food either. Unless you about to say “this is good/great/the bomb” keep your mouth shut or prepare for the wrath
@puff,
If you’ve got good heath insurance and need a vacation, try saying “Yeah babe, your broccoli casserole is good, but it ain’t like my mom’s.”
@Caballeroso, ive done that before. chick cold stopped cooking for me AND i never heard the end of it.
@Panama Jackson,
Exactly. That’s how it should have gone…lol
@Panama Jackson,
Serves you right! Hmph!
@Panama Jackson,
I stopped cooking for the dude who said something similar. You gonna compare my cooking to that of your female relatives? Boy, let them fix you a meal then! Pffft!
@puff,
I get away with dissing women’s cooking all the time, but I am a special case. I am the lovable d-bag, and I am often not forced to observe a lot of social mores.
@Dash,
This comment made me chuckle.
@puff, i think there might have been a little too much salt in there” is liable to get a man cut where i come from.
so he should just take the high sodium death and be happy he’s eating?
@Panama Jackson,
Die slowly later, or painfully now.
Do NOT under any circumstances say something bad about her mama. Even if she is trash talking about how much she hates her mama… just don’t go there, unless you would like a punch to the nuts… a nutpunch ain’t worf it son… it ain’t worf it…
@naturallyalise1, you know, i kind of assumed that men jumped bad harder if you talked about our mothers.
oh wait, we just end up more dead. women just yell it out.
What the hell is “Qua’qua*qua0″ and how do you pronounce it?
I couldn’t read anything after that. Lol!
@meka, it’s prounced like “christina”
@Panama Jackson,
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________^^^^________________…*flatline*
@Smiley Face,
I flatlined after Panama’s name, then double flatlined after his pronounciation, then triple flatlined at your infinity flatline, Smiley Face. lmfao That line is the dayum Energizer Bunny.
@Panama Jackson,
Funniest thing I’ve read all week. I totally need that. Thank you.
@INFJgurl, you’re welcome.
re #3: White people thinking they know “ghetto” is the reason I do not talk to any non-Black person about anything pertaining to Black people.
re #4: As I’ve learned from my Southern mother and her sister, you’re better off just not saying anything positive at all about white people.
re #6: At least once a week, my girlfriend will talk about my boy from high school, who is Black and who only dates white girls. He said that ONE TIME (not to her). Whether or not I agree with his attitudes toward and choice of women (I don’t), this incident happened like 5 years ago yet she still treats him like he’s the scum of the gotdamn earth for it; I’m thoroughly convinced she’ll never get over this for the rest of her life. Sh*t, I might break up with her the next time she brings it up, just cuz. But then she’d probably think I was leaving her for a white woman and vilify me the same way.
@P., That white girl comment will follow a ninja around like a bad smell.
And I don’t blame women, cause I do the same thing. If any black person says they don’t date black people, I never forget. We could be hooping one day, and I just might not pass you the ball ’cause you ain’t down with the chocolate.
Solidarity now!
@Big Man,
I’m too through with you. You won’t even share the pill? Fa real!
Ok first of all, I had to take a 5 minute breather after reading this from laughing so hard & wrap my elbow after hitting it on the wall due to blindness of tears from said laughter. I love you Panama! you f*ckn rock & sh*t…
One thing u prolly shouldn’t say to Black women is that we’re all crazy. Thas jus not coolsies.
The end.
@chan, why thank you kindly ma’am. i try to incite at least one injury per day and i’ve been worried about my numbers so thanks for the esteem booster.
welcome and sh*t (i think)
shhhhyallareallcrazyshhh
11. Can I C*M on your…
Never, ever, ever, ever attempt to ask a black women this, unless you think hospital visits are a good way to spend the rest of your night because if she doesn’t chomp down on you like jaws did that white girl in the movie, she just might try and mollywop yo a$$ …
or do what I’ve done do and say “O baby, my bad, you ok?” (shifty eyes) lol
@Brklyn2Chi,
Idk Imma gangsta with mine I dont ask. I just aim and fire. The last chick told me not to let it go to waste.
Pac said, “Real N!ggahz do what they wanna, b!tch n!ggahz do what they can.”
@Brklyn2Chi, I let one person do that one time and you know what happened…..that mess got in my eye! It burned like battery acid!
My entire eye, the entire sclera was blood red! When I turned the light on and asked him to look at my burning eye, he grabbed the car keys talking about, “we going to the E.R., I couldn’t have done that baby, you may have had a stroke or somethin’…..
@Name changed to protect my own guilty azz, this comment made me laugh WAY harder than i should have.
@Name changed to protect my own guilty azz,
*________________________*
This should be the comment of the day…lol
@Name changed to protect my own guilty azz,
“we going to the E.R., I couldn’t have done that baby, you may have had a stroke or somethin’…..
BWAHAHAHAAHAHA! That whole comment done me in, but his excuse for it resurrected me then killed me dead.
@Name changed to protect my own guilty azz,
LOL I swear this story has been told on VSB before…damn I wish I could remember who told it.
@8th Wonder,
Apparently this ish happening is an epidemic.
@Name changed to protect my own guilty azz,
Guuurrrl, I feel you. No ER trip necessary, but facials are NOT as simple as they appear. Really, how hard is it to avoid hair, eyes and nostrils? Apparently, it’s dayum near impossible.
@Lil’T, that’s why i support the swallow.
@Lil’T, @Name changed to protect my own guilty azz, I wasn’t expecting it go dead in my eye….and who ever had the same experience could tell you…IT BURNS!
@Name changed to protect my own guilty azz,
I think you were supposed to keep your eyes closed.
Dang! Guess I told on myself!
@Name changed to protect my own guilty azz, LMFAO good call, cause i showed this story to my co-workers. We all voted that was the best excuse of all time.
@Name changed to protect my own guilty azz,
I been laughing for at least 10 minutes straight at this comment and I will probably continue to laugh about it the rest of this afternoon into the evening.
Pure hilarity!!!
@Brklyn2Chi,
Who asks? Back shots and facials for everybody!
@Brklyn2Chi, yeah, you’re not supposed to ask that one. you just do it and apologize afterwards.
do it enough time and she’ll move.
You got’s birthin’ hips!
You would look so much hotter with a curly weave and green contacts!
You don’t do (insert any freaky degenerate sex act here) ?, My ex Shaquita did! *This one will get to cut….for real!*
Don’t cook my steak babe, I’ll cook my own when you’re done…
*Wtf? I’m gonna burn that steak and you will eat it and pretend you love it!*
I think your butt is getting a little too big!
@WonderWoman,
I call shenanigans on the last comment. I have never heard a single BM every say some BW’s bootay is too big. NEVER EVER EVER.
Now he might say something else is too big but not the derriere. We don’t believe you…you know the rest.
@Stank-0, Well, sorry to say…I know one…
matter of fact he’s sitting next to me right now watching the Michael Vick project….I just looked over at him and smiled…he smiled back…but looked at me a little funny cause’ I’m typing….
@WonderWoman,
You took mine. NEVER EVER tell me what your ex-girlfriend did that I’m not doing. I. Will. Kill. You. Bet your ex didn’t do that either.
@8th Wonder, We can help each other bury the bodies of the men that are stupid enough to open their mouths and say this type of crap!
@WonderWoman, You got’s birthin’ hips!
that’s such a compliment.
@Panama Jackson, hell yeah that’s a compliment!! LOL.. I love it when guys (read: black) say that to me
@Panama Jackson, When the person saying this has gold teeth and is wearing turquoise woven mandals (not a typo) and a matching rayon short suit, (jacket but no shirt) and knee highs (yes knee highs)….and is rubbing his package and his nappy beard at the same time….it does not feel like a compliment….
PS: For some reason it seems the big hips and booty are only acceptable on women on other races now…on them its thick and she looks good…but it seems the sistas get more criticism for those features than celebration….just sayin’
Way too many obscure references in this post.
@O-Sauce, really? i didnt think they were that obscure at all.
hell, every post i WRITE has at least 10 music references and one or two implied references to rick james and/or robert duval.
1. D^mn your (insert her family member) got a fat azz.
2. What you won’t do another will. (which would be proceeding by a “what!”, then azzwhooping.)
3. I slept with your mom, sister, lil cousin.
4. I had a child by another chick. (Aw and it’s your first child)
5. I came inside of you, my bad it was just so good.(personally, this is the dumbest one yet.)
6. Try disciplining their children. (Shhheeeeeeeiiiitt)
7. Can I get some “me” time = you maste(u)rbating
8. Well, Imma talk to you later = “why u getting off the phone”, “what you about to do”, “you dont wanna talk”
9. You must like drama (cursed out)
10. It was aight (if referring to anything she directly had involvement with, you will never hear the end of it)
11. That’s why you cant keep a man now. (CUT)
12. Did you ever think you were the problem. (SHOT)
13. You try to act holier than thou, when you just like these other strags. (FUNERAL)
14. Her Head was better.
15. She f6cked me better.
16. I’m in love with another woman.
17. You got the bill. ROTFL
18.You not as bad as you think you are.
19. Give contradictive advice about her already weak azz relationship.
20. Question her religion. (I dare you, I double dare you, I double dog dare you. First she will start off calm and then she will stone you.)
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
Your list is HIGHlarious. True and HIGHlarious. Hoep you didn’t learn all of these from personal experience.
@INFJgurl,
I aint never scared. Black women dont intimidate me.
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
Yes they do.
@Cheekie,
Click on my name.
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
Are you tryin’ to intimidate me by demanding me to click on your name? *neckroll*. Aw, hellllll naw.
lol, yeah, I’ve been to your blog before. Is there a particular post I need to read?
@Cheekie,
Yes Cheekie. Please Read “She, Her, and I”
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
Will do.
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
Funny!!!
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
That’s one intensive study you’ve conducted. But d@mn iffen it ain’t the truth… And yet, somehow, I know you still luvvvs us To Death!!!
P.S. And I bet you’d still say some of that shii just to get us fired up. Evil genius.
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
my boyfriend did hat just last weekend.
Now why did this fool say that only Roman Catholics are Christians…The WAY everything just went silent, I honestly couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
I am telling you now, that conversation there almost ended our relationship. damned fool…
@Dope Fiend,
Religion should never end a relationship.
Like a mason to me, its only two things in the world good and bad. If your man is genuinely a good guy, then it shouldnt matter abou his religion.
Religion is really just an economic system made to impose who you do your business with
@TheHallway/TheSunk, Religion is really just an economic system made to impose who you do your business with
this should be number 21 on your list
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
You’re right religion shouldn’t be the end of a relationship. I’m christian too. But the fact that he thought No-one else, no Jehovah’s Witness, no baptist, no methodist, no protestant could be classed as Christian as well deeply offended me.
There’s good and bad, but in a relationship there’s also common ground. Where would we get married, how would our children be raised, what kind of school would they go to, here in UK religion denotes all of that, sad but true.
@Panama Jackson,
*kanye shrug* + *diddy glance over the sunglasses*
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
Wow!! You hit it right on the nail! Every example listed I had a face cringe like “Oh– hell no!”
@Panama- Winnie the Pooh isn’t gay, he’s just the nice and snuggly guy thats always placed in the friend zone. He’s humble, articulate, mature, sweet a stand up guy… who you wouldn’t want to have sex with
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
20. Question her religion. (I dare you, I double dare you, I double dog dare you. First she will start off calm and then she will stone you.)
A friend of mine has had a really good relationship go to hell because he and his girl got into a religious debate. He wants to dump her because she used the most nonsensical argument to prop up her faith.
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
On 20, I may be in the minority but religion is not that big a deal… I can talk about it, discuss it, question it and everything… Then again, I claim “spiritual” rather than “religious”…
@TheHallway/TheSunk, These are great!
LOL. This list is funny. To be fair, this list would probably offend most women.
Oddly enough, I had a dream last night that the VSB crew were all Chinese guys writing this stuff up.
I think I spend too much time on this blog
*leaves*
@8thWonder,
Ummm…who the hell is this?
@8th Wonder,
Oh whoops! I had just woke up when I wrote this and thought the name popped out of my imagination. Clearly 1)it had not and 2) I was not awake enough….blame it on the dream, lol.
But seriously, can’t we share?
@8thWonder,
Yeah….nah we can’t, lol.
@8thWonder, Sorry. It’s in the VSB bylaws, you can’t share names.
@8thWonder,
“But seriously, can’t we share?”
Nope, not cool. Folks will get confuddled and ish.
Possible Other Names:
– Eighth Wonder (too close, probably…lol, it’s subtle though)
– Wonderful Eight
– Ninth Bedazzlement
– The Eight That People Wondered About
*kanyeshrug*Just tryin’ to help…
@8th Wonder,
WTF…ANOTHER doppelganger?
@Cheekie,
Yep, apparently it’s my turn, lol.
@Cheekie,
Thanks for the suggestions. I will work on something ‘original’ when I come back. This is not how my first comment was meant to go down.
@8thWonder, uh oh…do we have another case of 2 girls, 1 name?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
and i’m not a chinaman. i just play one on television.
@Panama Jackson,
Glad to have confirmation.
the 2nd 8thWonder (the 9th?)
@8thWonder, bwahahaha- yeah roll with 9th… for the record- this exchange brought me much joy… thank you to all of its participants.
@8thWonder,
I’m w/ Yeah…SO!?! that this convo here was a delight. Cheekie suggesting names, the “9th wonder” suggestion…. all of it- too funny.
@Yeah…SO!?!,
I’m working on it.
“If you will suck my soul, I will lick your funky emotions.”-Wow, you really took it wayyyyy back there. dayum…..any who-****Never anything remotely questioning my intelligence like * DUMB *STUPID etc., or any sentence that begins with “you would look better with” (insert random ass thing here) eg* short hair, longer hair, straighter hair, hgher heels, shorter skirt…well you get the picture no? *Please note-unless I ask for your opinion, please don’t supply it just because you feel like it.,
@bajanflchick- sorry I forgot the one that really gets me beyond angry, specially when it comes from a YT…..here’s how it goes
YT- what are you ?
bajanflchick- scuse me?
YT- i mean what are you , you are exotic looking ?
bajanflchick- what am i?
YT- i mean what nationality are you?
bajanflchick- nationality , American…but if you mean ethnicity…I’m Black
YT- oh really??
bajanflchick-*blank stare that leads to side eye, that leads to DEEP SIGH*
Just sayin do i have to look like “Qua’qua*qua0? in order to be Black….DAYUM..
@bajanflchick,
OOOOMG i get this soooo much from black men and white men. i’m clearly black. a curly fro does not automatically make you an island girl. if i had a penny. lol.
i remember this white dude came up to me one time and he’s just staring and smiling. do you know this fool starts speaking in preschool english like i wouldn’t understand him and then said “well i know you’re probably not from here right?” hand signals and all. i was working at the bank he came into… wth?
so, i broke into a STRONG (albeit prob not so good) island dialect and hissed at him like i was cursing him. lol. that moment was submitted in the top funniest moments of Charter One.
@Muze- it is truly amazing…and of course if you weren’t from here pre-school language would make it all better, right wth?..I’m sure it was HIGHlarious…and the hissing…*love that as an added extra
@bajanflchick, so um, what are you?
@bajanflchick,
Pretty much.
The one thing that will certainly send me into the stratosphere and back with a fury bigger than well, fury is condescension. DO NOT PATRONIZE ME!! Ugh! I hate this isht like the plague and AIDS rolled up in one. I can’t stand being patronized and will flip a switch (read turn batsh!t crazy) in a minute.
@bajanflchick, this is the straight truth. I’m a southern girl that moved “up north” way back when and for the longest time I had African, West Indian and White people cursing my mama’s grave because I was “in denial” of my other, exotic heritage.. You know there are plenty of American Black people with high cheek bones and slanty eyes. Just saying. *SMDH*
Along with #8 needs to be that you never walk up and just touch a black woman’s hair because you want to see what it feels like, then make some comment about how different it is from your nice smooth naturally straight hair.
@Kali, i ran up on a chick and sprayed some soulglo in her dry ass curl once. she need it though.
@Panama Jackson, now… if your hair is so dry that it need to be sprayed by a stranger… you get what you deserve on that one!
@Kali,
What if it looks like it feels like velvet?
@Dash, that’s only on if you’re talkin about a dead lion on a king’s shoulder… in that case… feel away haha
Things to not ever say-
1. You don’t look like you got your hair done
2. You eat more than me
3. You look like _____(insert black celebrity where the only thing you have alike is skin color)
4. That’s why you’re single
5. I usually don’t date black women, but ______ (insert explanation that is meant to make you feel sooooo grateful that this person is making an exception for you)
6. Wow! You’re not from the islands/African country? (this is usually asked when trying to figure out how in da hell an American black woman or man for that matter, can be polite and speak well-maybe it’s just a regional thing)
@Ivyette, *doin’ my church dance while reading list*
-I am not a trained animal= yes, I can speak properly, just like you YT! HAAHA!
-And yes, I do eat! My mami would otherwise bug me by saying “Mija, nobody wants a Boney-Maroni for a wife!”
-Double co-sign on being told I look like some vague black celebrity w/ an afro aka: “No, for the last time, I AM NOT Macy Gray or Nneka!!”
@GeekChicness, “No, for the last time, I AM NOT Macy Gray or Nneka!!”
i think Nneka is going to be really happy that you called her a vague Black celebrity. if you ask 100 people to point her out in a crowd, 99 couldnt do it.
@Panama Jackson,
The one that could is probably her momma.
@GeekChicness,
*hopping in the aisle with you*
“And yes, I do eat!” Okaaaay? Isn’t that why we cook or order food? To eat it?
“I AM NOT Macy Gray or Nneka!!” LOL!
@Ivyette,
I learned about your number #1 the hard way. Back in ’97 I had a co-worker who I was real cool and comfortable with. So comfortable that, without thinking, I walked up to her at work one morning and casually said, “Bad hair day, huh?” Let’s just say she was not amused.
@Caballeroso,
“Back in ‘97 I had a co-worker who I was real cool and comfortable with. So comfortable that, without thinking, I walked up to her at work one morning and casually said, “Bad hair day, huh?” Let’s just say she was not amused.”
And you lived to tell the story? This must be recorded in the annals of history.
I’m guilty as charged in some of these. But some shyt just needs to be said.
As someone mentioned up thread, I co-sign with the notion that you can’t tell a Black woman how to raise her child(ren). There’s been plenty of times when I’ve wanted to snatch some kid up whom their mother left in the barbershop like it’s a daycare, find them in Rainbow or any wherever they are in the WestEnd mall doing hood rat shyt, and hold the child up by their collar and be like, “Is this f*cker YOURS?” before I hurl the little boy at her.
@Monk,
Shooot…I find myself wanting to do that more often than not. LOL
@miss t-lee,
Yes, like every day.
@8th Wonder,
Wait is this my e twinny, or an imposter?!
LMAO!
@8th Wonder,
This is your twinny, lol. I’m trying not to be petty by changing my name to “8th Wonder (Ya know, the real one)”
@8th Wonder,
LOL!
It’s not petty…it’s just what we do.
hey gurl *waving*. Did you get at me on the email?
@8th Wonder,
lmfao, you’re gonna have to add like “official” to your name or some sh*t.
@Cheekie,
Right! Let me find out I gotta certify my ish. Every night I gotta prove my love….
@8th Wonder, “Every night I gotta prove my love…”- bwahahaha
@miss t-lee,
I did, I did. I’ma email you today. I keep looking for you on gchat, though. I’m on there all day, spittin foolishness all over the interwebs
@8th Wonder,
Alrighty chick
@Monk, before I hurl the little boy at her.
child hurling could be a very popular sport in the Negrolympics
@Monk,
I suppose the African brethren (especially my people) haven’t read that memo… They will be all up in your business about how you should raise your kids… which could be good or bad, depending…
@Monk,
“As someone mentioned up thread, I co-sign with the notion that you can’t tell a Black woman how to raise her child(ren).”
Somebody needs to! With the amount of phuckery that I see kids getting away with now-a-days and parents sitting back smiling talking ’bout “Isn’t that cute.” Hell no; it ain’t! Sh*t that, had I done it as a kid, I would not have made it to adulthood. I hate sounding all “back-in-my-day’ish”, but damn, sh*t done changed.
How about we tie all girl’s tubes and give boys vasectomies at birth and make them take classes to get a parenting license and bonded (bonded = the debt security type) before the surgeries could be reversed? I know, it’ll never happen, but sometimes I wonder if we’d be better off.
Oh yeah, the photo at the top reminds me, don’t call an angry Black woman an “angry Black woman”. Even though she may be by literal definition, doing such will only make her an “angrier”…Black woman.
@Monk,
OMG seriously! i HATE being labeled abw, and going to PWI did not help. im an outspoken person and they take that isth as being an abw? what i cant speak my mind? gtfoh
@the girl, slow down, why you being so angry?
@Panama Jackson,
touche
See you gotta differentiate between a black and white when it comes to this…. Black men can get a way with just a littttle bit more.. Imma have to delve into this when I get to work, but quick story for you all:
My boss is a 49 year old Italian guy from New York. However, he’s mad cool and we get along really well. So we were talking about Jersey Shore one day, and I said, “Well you know there’s this big controversy over the show because those kids are running around calling each other “guido” and “guidettes” – I thought that was a derrogatory term for Italians?”
He says, “Yeah, it was when I was growing up but you know, they’re trying to take the word back… kinda like black people calling each other n*ggers” – (yes, he pronounced the “er” at the end!!!!)
Me: *blank stare*
Laaaaaaawdhamercy……. I think that might have been the first time I’ve heard a non teen or 20 something white person say the N word so casually. Not that its ok, but I know he’s not a racist, matter of fact, he’s probably the coolest boss ive ever had in my life. But I just wanted to tell him, you know, just cause me and you are cool like that doesn’t mean you can just be dropping N bombs and sh*t, what the f*ck!!!!!!
@BKSweetheart, you know I had a long conversation with several students; black, white and hispanic about their use of “N”. Some inner city kids have adopted it, I find it just as offensive when they use it.
“But I just wanted to tell him, you know, just cause me and you are cool like that doesn’t mean you can just be dropping N bombs and sh*t, what the f*ck!!!!!!”
You should have told him this, because now he may feel that he can use it around you, and the next time he does you should check him on it
@BKSweetheart, you know, i’m not even 100 percent sure how i’d handle that.
so i’d just go get an angry black woman and let her do it for me.
@Panama Jackson, man I had to really hold it together!! It really struck a chord inside me – my skin felt all hot and prickly for a second… But I had to play it off cause its my freakin boss and I know he didn’t mean any harm by it.. Hell, he’s damn near like a father to me… but c’mon now, he should have known better.
@BKSweetheart,
I was at a Jay-Z concert on Monday… When “Jigga my Ni99a” came on, there was a couple of 2520 ladies with a lame a$$ black dude (I actually don’t care about Inter racial dating but that dude was really LAME, but that’s another post)… Can you believe those girls were throwing the word out with wreckless abandon. Wreckless abandon I tell ya! I was like, since when is this ok? Y’all better stop with the madness… *smh*… People are just too damn relaxed these days…
@Sula, Hell yeah, I don’t care if Chris Rock told 2520′s in his last stand up special that its ok for them to say the N word if its part of a rap song… F*ck that!!!
@Sula,
Yeah…they try to get a little wild with it erry now and again…I’m suprised he let that slide. Shoulda been some checkin’ goin’ on.
My homeboy just gave me his review of the show this morning, ya’ll definitely got a much better show than we did.
@miss t-lee,
The show was AWESOME!! Whew! He def brought it! The Toyota Center was sold out!
@Sula,
When I went to see Jay, I was side-eyeing the 2520′s next to me HARD when that song came on…they knew thier roles, though, so nobody got hurt, lol!
@Sula, I blame Jigga for making a song like that for the masses to begin with.
okay so LMBOO at this whole post. lol
number 2 will get you slapped with immediacy.
*dead* at “Unless you’re another Black woman, this is frowned upon more than Amy Winehouse at a Mother’s Against Looking Like Sh*t meeting (MALLS).”
i don’t even understand how your brain processes these thoughts. lmbo
@Muze, i’m sexxy. my brain is sexxy. sexxiness is what sexxiness does.
@Panama Jackson,
lol. ahhh my b. i keep forgetting the 3 sexxiness.
@Muze,
Funny how it’s THREE sexxiness. Maybe there is some truth to the “girl he a 3″ urban legend…
@Cheekie, well you know, being a 3 is what it is. i just make the best of the life i was given.
@cheekie
yeah giiiiiirrrrl these men are some sexxy threes.. lol
1. Hair Comments- if you’re not buying, supplying, dyeing, or frying it, do me a favor and STFU. Exceptions are made for those who are genuinely interested and aren’t asking a bunch of fcuk-ass questions. Currently having this issue with my 2520 bf and its. really. starting. to. make. me. upset. -_-
2. “You remind me of (black chick’s name here).” No I don’t.
3. “Can I hold $30?” Ummm….what?
@VeronicaCorningstoneD,
“2. “You remind me of (black chick’s name here).” No I don’t.”
RIght?!?!?
@miss t-lee, I can’t agree with this one enough. My name is Chavon. But somehow…someway…damn near on a daily basis I get called Tyra or Ciara.
@La Bakir,
Gurl…I’ve heard much worse. It’s really not a compliment if you compare me to someone I don’t resemble in the least.
@miss t-lee, EXACTLY…b/c I damn sure don’t look like Tyra Banks. And not that I don’t think she’s beautiful…but it’s like “come on brother…that’s the best you could do?”
@La Bakir,
*snickering*
@La Bakir,
Could it be that you remind him of Tyra because he feels that both of you have beauty in common? When he see’s you, you remind him of everything that’s beautiful, one of which is Tyra or Ciara…just pondering over here.
@VeronicaCorningstoneD,
yup my latino bf was hyping about my hair last week…”Oh i liked it the other way, why’d you take it off?”
I took out the weave and I’m gonna surprise him with a mini afro…see wtf he says then. b!tch
@Dope Fiend, hold up. There are Latinos in the u.k.??? what part are you from.
@VeronicaCorningstoneD, Currently having this issue with my 2520 bf and its. really. starting. to. make. me. upset. -_-
how you gonna be mad at your pink boyfriend. of everybody he should be able to ask those questions. i mean he don’t know. lol. do the community a favor and answer them so he doesnt ask anybody else. he’s YOUR responsibility now. lol.
2. “You remind me of (black chick’s name here).” No I don’t.
what about saying that you remind me of a jeep. r kelly did that and sold millions.
@Panama Jackson,
PINK BOYFRIEND???!!!
Cover me with butter and stick a fork in me. Completely and totally done. I am through with you Panama Jackson.
@Panama Jackson, I blame you for the Diet Coke that just shot out of my nose!
If I have to pay to get the keys of my new laptop un-stuck I’m sending you the bill!
@Panama Jackson,
iDIED @ “how you gonna be mad at your pink boyfriend”
That’s real though, lol. Each one teach one!
@VeronicaCorningstoneD,
I am with Panama on this one, girl. You have to teach him… It’s part of the “cultural exchange”…
When I was dating across the aisle, I had to justify spending 4-5 hours in a chair to have my hair braided… he just couldn’t wrap his brains around the concept of it.
Champ, I think #1 is all in the delivery. In my day, I know I’ve said and gotten away with #1 more than I should have. It’s almost involuntary.
I would add making any commentary about parenting and/or children’s behavior. Might want to strap on the riot gear for that one.
@Stank-0, *knocking* panama wrote this.
RIF.
@Panama Jackson,
“RIF.”
LMAO
@miss t-lee,
I love how I’m seeing this acronym all over the internets.
@Cheekie,
I know right…I’m glad to see it’s making a comeback.
@Panama Jackson,
Glad we got that correct. Exclude Champ, insert He a 3, Panama, or whatever name you go by and continue with my comment.
@Panama Jackson,
I think you mean DIF for Differentiation.
@Stank-0, naw pretty sure i meant RIF for “reading is fundamental”
@Panama,
This had to be explained?
I love how you started the post with Wu-Tang and ended with Maxwell…lol
“Qua’qua*qua0″ ‘da heyll? IDK, but it’s funny…lol
“what are some other things you should never say to a Black woman?”
Please stop asking every 5 minutes if you can try that thing that you saw on the flick. Word to the wise, if you stop pestering, maybe, just maybe we will try it.
@miss t-lee, i dont know…they say that a closed mouth don’t get fed.
@Panama Jackson,
True- but begging like a four year old will definitely not get you any closer to your goal.
oh, and some that i hate are:
-why you trippin? (when it’s something totally valid that he should be OVERconcerned with)
-is it that time of the month? (or any variation thereof)
-you’re so sensitive
-you’re fine but you’d be a 10 if you just gained a little weight/straightened your hair (umm did i ASK you negroid)
-damn your little sisters are FINE! (yes, a grown arse 29yo man said this to me about my 19 and 20 yo Littles. you can guess how that conversation went.)
-she’s just my friend. (following a 3am text that said “hey {insert mushy nickname} what you doing?” and usually preceded by Why You Trippin?)
i will cut you. that is all.
@Muze, you’ll cut a dude?
you so sensitive. must be that time of the month. stop trippin. you’d be finer if you didn’t trip so much. like your sister.
@Panama Jackson,
LOL *pulls out rusty swiss army knife i keep for occasions like these*
Don’t forget:
You act just like your mom!
@Stustustudious, yeah, that one usually doesnt bode well.
even if it is true.
@Stustustudious,
“You act just like your mom!”
LOL, word. I mean, you just insulted two Black women with one stone! And on the flip side, he bet not compare his chick to HIS mama, either. No, “Can you make it the way Mama makes it?”. Naw, nicca go live with her with your Oedipal a*s. lol
That last line made me have a Maxwell moment!!!
***scrolling thru iPod to BLACKsummersnight to listen to Stop The World***
I’ll be back with some things not to say after I read the replies as not to duplicate.
@OftenConfused, well thank you for being so considerate of everybody else’s time.
@Panama Jackson,
I try
@OftenConfused,
“That last line made me have a Maxwell moment!!!”
Same here. Like, how can you NOT read that line and either start singing it and/or go listen to it?! lol
Laser beams will come out of my eyes and destroy you if you say/inquire the following in my presence:
1. I bet you can sing gospel/R&B, rap like “name of famous Negrette here”
2. How come you don’t have any fake nails? (umm.. ‘cuz they’d get in my way while I was trying to choke your dumb azz)
3. That thing you did/said was ‘so ghetto’> an older 2520 colleague of mine seemed to think it was cute to say that after a certain procedure didn’t go as planned. I proceeded to curse him out in a slight Cockney accent (I tend to turn into a character from EastEnders when I’m extremely upset, don’t know why) screaming sh*t like “Ghetto? GHETTO? What do you know about the ghetto, man! Is your sole purpose on this Earth to annoy the hell outta me, or what?” …. Oh yeah, this all occurred while aforementioned laser beams were coming out of my eyes…
@GeekChicness, I have long nails naturally and ppl always ask “are they real?” followed by ” how do you type with those things?” and my all time favorite ……….. “how do you wipe yourself?” asked by an adult when I was in hs
@GeekChicness, you still have that job?
@Panama Jackson, *EastEnders accent still ‘on’* Bloody right I still have that job, mate!
@GeekChicness,
lmao. off topic did you watch the live episode?
@WonderWoman, I hate…hate…hate hip comments. Like really, some people actually have the nerve to call me “Hips” to get my attention.
@La Bakir, i like hips.
@Panama Jackson, Yes, hips are cool and all but I don’t like the attention that they garner…some of the comments are just crude and sometimes rude (these comments come from women)
@La Bakir,
“I hate…hate…hate hip comments. Like really, some people actually have the nerve to call me “Hips” to get my attention.”
I’m not sure if you are aware of the VSB rules regarding comments like this and pics. Panama may be able inform you.
@Humble_One, Nah, I’m not aware of the VSB rules….enlighten me
@La Bakir, basically, your comment is useless without pictures. lol.
you see, when you womenses claim things that us menfolks love, we’d like to help verify such things like why you’d be called ‘hips’
@La Bakir,
LOL i get “Legs” all the time. i was told i was being an arsehole for not being flattered… but who yells that out at someone while they’re walking into an establishment?
guess they’ve been reading VSB, cause i had no clue who said it. i looked back and they all were just standing there giving me “come hither” looks. lol
@Muze, LMAO! I can’t!
I just get tired of hearing it…it’s like “yes, I know I have hips and an arse…I get it. Now can we talk about something else…please?”
I don’t know why people feel the need to point out that you have “legs” or I have “hips” as if we don’t see ourselves everyday,lol
@La Bakir, I just get tired of hearing it…it’s like “yes, I know I have hips and an arse…I get it. Now can we talk about something else…please?”
this specifically is a “useless without pictures” comment. lol.
@Panama Jackson,
Ahhhh, I see I said…lol
@La Bakir, I see them every day when I am stretching my jeans over them…I have to have big legs and hips to carry the booty….I an understand a quick but respectful appreciative glance if you cant help it but to comment on something I know I have and can’t really change that much…frustrates me…..I feel your pain…Lets start a support group!
“Psssst”, “Yuuuuurp”, or any other ridiculous noise to get my attention
“You’re gonna be my baby momma, watch”
@La Bakir,
LMFAO!!!!!
Or after they get turned down, hard: “well, I WOULD tear that ass up.”
@RocktheCatbox, LOL!!! Word or the bitter dude that will be like “well eff you bish!”
Or when a dude is like “Shoooortttttty”
WTF???!!! Ninja…I’m taller than you and furthermore that’s not my name. A nice “excuse me miss” would suffice.
@La Bakir,
I’ve always hated the bitter guy’s ” eff u den” or ” u ain’t that cute no way!”
I’m always like weren’t you just trin to holla at me I must of been cute enough?!?!
@La Bakir, “Psssst”, “Yuuuuurp”, or any other ridiculous noise to get my attention
are homing pigeons out?
@Panama Jackson, LOL…It’s so annoying!
I wonder if this is only a NJ/NYC occurence
@La Bakir,
Nope…
@La Bakir,
Detroit men stare women down to the point where the woman becomes uncomfortable and then get angry when you don’t walk over and talk to them. I’ve seen men punch women full in the face, Snooki style for not talking to them, and other grown men stand around and watch like it’s straight up entertainment. That’s why I don’t flat out turn men down in this town unless I have actual male friends over 6 feet, 245 in the building…too risky otherwise. I like my face.
…rereading this…I need new places to socialize.
@RocktheCatbox,
“Detroit men stare women down to the point where the woman becomes uncomfortable and then get angry when you don’t walk over and talk to them. I’ve seen men punch women full in the face, Snooki style for not talking to them, and other grown men stand around and watch like it’s straight up entertainment.”
W…T…F. Dayum that’s cold (in the D).
@RocktheCatbox,
Thank you for reminding me to not visit Detroit anytime soon, or ever.
@La Bakir,
Yeah, that was a public service announcement. Detroit is one of those places where men brag about some shit they’re supposed to do…like taking care of their kids not beating their girlfriends. LOL exaggerating but damn…sometimes…these negroes here…
@La Bakir,
““Psssst”, “Yuuuuurp”, or any other ridiculous noise to get my attention”
YES!! Boy, speak English, witcho onomatopoeia a*s.
Stabworthy statements, from black men, most of them strangers:
– you’re dark, but you’re pretty
–[stares real long at hair] you know, I’m ususally into girls with good hair, but yours is cute too.
–be quiet when men are talking [the fuck do you think you are, a pimp called slickback!?!]
–you don’t need that [reaches over, takes food off plate]. My father did this once and almost drew back a nub.
Too funny to make me angry:
From my great aunt, who I had not seen since she force-straightened my hair when I was six. We are at a funeral, she turns to me, looks me up and down and says:
“I see you are all natural and whatnot. Well [huffs] you always WERE stubborn.” Pauses, pats her balding, overprocessed hair: “I’m natural too.”
I love black people.
@RocktheCatbox, *rolls eyes at the hair comments* I was natural a few months ago….a dude (whom I went to high school w/) actually had the nerve to say something like:
“You’d be a good catch, but I’m not feeling your hair”
@RocktheCatbox, –[stares real long at hair] you know, I’m ususally into girls with good hair, but yours is cute too.
im sorry but that’s funny.
@Panama Jackson,
I’m usually into football players, but I’ll overlook your bird chest/manmarries.
Any men laughing at this?
@RocktheCatbox, hey, i didnt say it was right, im just saying its funny.
and yes, it would be funny in reverse. or in vice versa. or whatever the term would be.
@RocktheCatbox,
LOL too funny. gotta remember this next time someone has a fro comment. if i’m not wearing a curly wash n go… people always have ish to say. smh.
@RocktheCatbox,
Manmarries? Hell yeah I’m laughing at that! A clever play on words indeed, mad props to you!
@RocktheCatbox,
I HATE HATE HATE the dark-skinned comments, like, “What… dark-skinned chicks can’t be pretty?!! or the “I only date light-skinned chicks”. Well, then move the hell out my way ninja because there are plenty of men checking for my chocolate skin tone!!
@RocktheCatbox, “–[stares real long at hair] you know, I’m ususally into girls with good hair, but yours is cute too.”
LOL!! Yeah the 2520′s get me all the time with the hair comments!! I like to go back and forth between the straightened and natura lookl.. So when I show up to work with my natural curls, it’s like they’re so puzzled!! They don’t know what to say – it’s like, “Ummm you look so different!!” “Is that your real hair????” “What did you do to get it like that??”
Its my natural hair WTF I didn’t do anything to it, f*ckin idiot….
Then after months of natural, I come back with straight hair, its almost like the same round of questioning… “Is that all your real hair???” “Wow!! How did you get it like that, did you like put chemicals in it??”
Sigh…..
@BKSweetheart,
When it comes from the 2520, I am not offended (the males because the women should know that hair does change, they get curly perms)… I charge it to not knowing and I try to educate IF I am in a good mood.
It’s the ignorant black people who kill me with the questions!! Ugh.
@BKSweetheart,
LOL, Ive had more black men ask if my natural is fake, but more white men just recklessly eyeball it/want to touch it/ enact plantation fantasies with it/scream HEY BROWN SUGARRRR out of car windows. One other dude (black) said he would sweat my hair out. Which didn’t make sense because there wouldn’t be anywhere to sweat it out to… hahahahaha. Stuff that somehow doesn’t offend me: Being called porn tits (nasty perhaps, but a dude said this to me once after sex and I liked it. From strangers it might be unacceptable). Being called ass or hips is less offensive than it is just plain lazy, you have to pair it with something interesting or funny…if you are going to objectify me, be clever about it.
as someone already stated, black women apparently don’t like to hear about how sexy one of their family members are, lol.
I always get ugly looks when I tell them….
“I have no interest in ever committing to you”
@undressingHER,
gangsta.
Ok I’d like to add the following:
1. Didn’t you get paid today? asked often by my exhubs… My thought-Why are you so concerned?
2. Why you mad? (aka Telling me how I feel) This is typically said when I’m not mad but often leads to anger.
Ex. “why you mad?”….”I’m good”…”nah u mad”…”no I’m not”…”yea you are, what’s wong?”…”NOTHING!!”…”then why u yelling”…”sigh”
3. So you got this? or I don’t have any money! Said by my sister once at a drive thru window and cheap dudes
4. I ain’t trying to spend no money – response by a guy after I suggested a sports bar as a first date idea because his idea of watching the NBA finals at my house was not an appropriate first date
5. Anything that chexually inappropriate. this also applies to actions like the two guys that sent me d!ck pics (1 before we even meet and the other b4 chex was even a consideration)
6. How much does that pay?
I overheard a hilarious convo one days playdate that went like this…
Dude: so what’d you major in?
Chic:library science
Dude: what kind of major is that?
Chic: uh, library science
Dude: nah I mean like associates,BA, BS?
Chic: I have a BA in library science
Dude: so you a librarian?
Chic: no
Dude: so what do you do?
Chic: (explanation)
Dude; word, how much does that pay?
Chic: **side eye** enough
**not as funny after I typed it but dude was lame and had just finished going on about how his sweet tea/lemonade (that he didnt know was called an arnold Palmer)was free…he just seemed ignorant in several areas
To ditto some already stated
-why you tripping (answer usually=bc you tripping)
-any comment about the hair other than you like it or you’re about to start paying for it
- any reference to that time of the month
@OftenConfused, Chic: I have a BA in library science
Dude: so you a librarian?
i think that’s a pretty fair question. what exactly IS library science? i have an archivist homegirl who i’m pretty sure got a library science masters or something.
it thought she just mastered the art of the “shhhhhhh”
@Panama Jackson, I guess it wasn’t the dumbest question, it was just that he was quizzing her like she made up the degree or something. I think she was an archivist or something similar. He just seemed so confused by it plus like i said he had proved himself lame in so many other areas.
a. “Girl look at your a**, your a** is so phat!”
b. “If you will suck my soul, I will lick your funky emotions.”
guilty as charged…but i make them laugh…i got it like that
i like educated or accomplished “ghetto” women…they can take me in small doses. she may have an extremely successful hair salon…due to investing/saving and taking business classes while stripping in the past. maybe she went to the lottery funded state college in her town but never did let go of the “hood” (she stayed at home while going to school and worked at the mall to have money to go see gucci mane in concert)…she eventually became an accomplished accountant (cpa even) but couldn’t stand corporate america so she opened up a tax place where she grew up…might just work for the irs and live within her means…i have more examples…
these women understand a man’s inability to hold back…dudes been on her like white on rice all her life…due to her usually dark brown perfect smooth skin, beautiful white teeth (with a slight gap in the front), perfect donk, flat stomach (even though she eats flaming hot funyons erday), perfectly bowed leggs, etc…and we get along…cause i ain’t holdin back sh8t after 2 hours.
this is my unicorn…
judge me…idgaf
@atltx,
I got a soft spot for these type of women too. They are in every hood. A lot of times they end up with the mid-level drug dealer. The only problem is that sometimes they fall short on conversation similar to yesterdays topic or political issues.
@atltx,
Those chicks sound great.
@Dash, @atltx,
I was hooked at “dark brown perfect smooth skin” the rest was just icing on the cake. don’t judge me.
@Stank-0, @Dash, @Humble_One
Gentlemen…they gotta be teachable…start em off with something to read along the lines of zane but better…and cnn…before you know it…she’ll be talkin your head off.
And yes…drug dealers are always a part of their pasts…and them cats do not like to let em go…we talkin together since high school.
still…i don’t give a fugg…I will not settle down without one of these chicks man…i’ll cheat if i do.
One major thing to never say to a Black woman…who hasn’t seen her sister and years and asks if there are any more letters from her:
“Could be, could be not”.
Even the meekest, docile woman will LOSE HER COOL, grab a butcher knife sticking out of the nearest turkey/tofurkey and point it toward your nose. Then she’ll give you the two-finger curse. And everything you ever think about will — undoubtedly — fail.
@Cheekie,
CTFU
@Cheekie, you just finish watching the color purple or something?
@Panama Jackson,
Boy naw, I don’t have to. You should know from my posts here that I randomly quote that quotable movie. lol
Said to me more than once by black men and women of all shades
“You’re very pretty… for a dark-skinned girl”
“You have good hair….for a dark skinned girl”
Come on now, be serious! What do you mean “for a dark skinned girl” like dark skinned girls can’t be pretty or have “good hair”.
WTF is GOOD HAIR…hair is hair, you either look after it or you don’t.
and how ridiculous of you fool, whose grandma is probably darker than me, to be even thinking like that, let alone saying it TO MY FACE, as if its a compliment. It’s an insult!
Every time i hear this I just want to slap someone in the face. Because I know LOADS of UGLY light skinned girls with “bad hair”.
@Dope Fiend, WTF is GOOD HAIR…
can’t define it, but i know it when i see it. lol.
@Dope Fiend, Damn I was just about to say that.
I can’t stand the “Oh u pretty for a black girl” or the “You’re not a typical black girl”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Dude: “You don’t talk like a black girl”
Me: Ryu uppercut!!!
@T,
“you speak like a white girl”<<seriously?
"you dress like a white girl" <<yo, wtf?
"you act like a white girl" KMBRCT
HADOUUUKKKEEENNN!!!!
@Dope Fiend, @T,
As a scraight up Street Fighter scholar, I appreciate both of your comments. Ryu is that ninja.
@Dope Fiend,
I agree! my first college roommate and line sister (who has gorgeous skin, killer shape, beautiful smile…and just happens to have a dark chocolate complexion) gets this all the time. I used to ne offended for her.
PSA: If you value the lives of your grandchildren’s, grandchildren don’t call me a B*tch…just don’t.
I work in an office where I’m the ONLY Black woman…we had a partner from overseas do an 14 month detail here. Apparently, they do business a lil differently (they smoke in their offices, where t-shits with curse words on it, blah and blah and so forth.) So one day we were all going out to lunch and he says “Hurry up B*tch,” with a smile on his face…….
I hear “aw shiyit” from my boss and folks just scatter which leaves me alone with this FOOL who realizes just what the hell he just said! ALL THE GUYANESE CAME OUT IN ME THAT DAY!!! By the time I was finished he had tears in his eyes and his face was so red….lil punk azz mawgadog.
“was Winnie the Pooh gay? Or just eternally high?’
LMAO … I’m making this my facebook status … this might be T-shirt worthy
Anyway, good folks of the VSB, what are some other things you should never say to a Black woman?
1. You are built like a man. I told my ex’s sister that one time. She was very pissed. I don’t know why? Me and several other people have mistaken her for a man at a distance.
2. Turning down her cooking. I was helping my homeboy clean the swimming pool and backyard. His wife offered me dinner. I said no thank you I’m good. She ask several times afterwards and was questioning why I turned it her food down.
3. Telling her she doesn’t have an @ss when she thinks she has a donk.
4. Calling her a hood chic when she feels she is sophisticated. Just because you went to Everest, DeVry, or even a HBCU or PWI doesn’t make you sophisticated. Nor does a job where you have to dress professional. I made a few chics mad by saying this. If they didn’t try to play me I wouldn’t have said it.
@Humble_One,
#3 definitely stings a bit, lol. I know I’m assless though, so I don’t even lie to myself.
*sigh*
@Humble_One, I know I’m hood and not ashamed of that but thats not ALL I am, beingmultifaceted and such!
@Humble_One, LOL @ #3
My roomie SWEARS she has a fatty. I just can’t bring myself to burst her bubble and tell her otherwise.
@Humble_One, 1. You are built like a man. I told my ex’s sister that one time. She was very pissed. I don’t know why? Me and several other people have mistaken her for a man at a distance.
man. that HAD to hurt her feelings.
@Humble_One,
“3. Telling her she doesn’t have an @ss when she thinks she has a donk.”
On the real, this breaks hearts!
@Humble_One,
3. Telling her she doesn’t have an @ss when she thinks she has a donk.
Even discovering that another girl in a new circle has more donk can ruin your day a little bit… Lol! So I can’t imagine realizing you don’t have one at all, ouch!
LOL, dayum I’m in this class so I can’t get into this like I want to LLS….I’ll be back tho!
“more the wrath of a nubian queen when she’s tested by somebody she doesn’t deem worthy” …..love it
this had me rolling, but it is true
Also, in a clothing store someone should pass the memo that uh….its not good to say when we cant fit a certain clothing because and I quote, “Our sizes only run in European…” them is fighting words and although im not blessed with the thickness of chocolate pudding and the curves of a coke bottle i have witnessed this episode with many of my thick friends.
@Tahirah, you know, that’s a double standard cuz you’d ALSO be mad if they wre like, “we got our African sized racks over here…”
I have to address the Winnie-the-Pooh issue. I think he’s a drag queen who’s stage name is Winnie. Think about it, what man in their right mind would call themselves “Winnie”. Plus, he wears a short shirt where his belly-bottom is hanging. Chicks with no sense usually do that…
@T, T, this is P (of VSB P fame).
hi.
so is he a drag queen or a chick with no sense?
@Panama Jackson, Well if you ask Winnie-the-Pooh he’s both… but he’s really a dude by day chick by night. Mad confusing. Piglet is his lover btw and he’s certainly gay.
@Panama Jackson,
Wait, which P are you again??
@T,
And WTF is a “pooh”. Like, he says, “The Pooh” like we’re supposed to know what that is? Is it a royal title or some ish? Did he get knighted by the Queen?
@Cheekie, Omg good point. This calls for a board meeting…
@Cheekie, Duh, you didn’t get the memo? He was knighted by the #1 drag queen….Ru Paul. “Pooh” was a term that all the draggies would use when they effed up on their make up…”awww pooh”. Because Winnie couldn’t get his make up game quite right, he was knighted the Pooh. He was also the inspiration behind Ru Paul’s new reality show
@La Bakir,
Dayum, that’s pretty detailed. I shoulda checked Wikipedia. I bet that ish is on there. lol
@Cheekie, LMAO…I blame my imagination…who comes up with ish like that..lol
@T,
My homegirl theorized that Winnie was a pedo, who was always trying to lure Christopher Robbins back to his room for some honey and horseplay.
Sounds plausible. She also said that Piglet was completely gay. I think Tigger got his nose dirty, personally.
@Big Man,
“My homegirl theorized that Winnie was a pedo, who was always trying to lure Christopher Robbins back to his room for some honey and horseplay.”
*childhood ruined*
Like, didn’t Chris Robbins wear short-shorts?
GAG.
@Big Man, *cremated*
@Big Man, Oooh so the honey was used as lubricant?
@T,
I SAID….GAH!
@Big Man,
This is HI-larious…what about Eeyore? What’s his role in all this?
@miss t-lee, suffers from manic depression after being fondled by Pooh as a youngster?
@miss t-lee, Eeyore was there for practice sex. That’s why he was always so gloomy…ever notices all those stitches around his ass. They destroyed the poor soul
@La Bakir and T
I’m so dead at ya’lls comments.
LMAO
@T, LMAO…no one wants to end up a chex slave
@miss t-lee,
Even though I am forever tramautized, I HAD to go here:
What’s wrong with Eeyore? He’s obviously butthurt….so to speak.
Do with that what you will…
@Cheekie,
I’ve never been able to figure out Eeyore’s angle. *giggle*
You know the hippies here have a birthday party for him every year? Mess, I tell you…lol
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eeyore's_Birthday_Party
@miss t-lee,
I agree with La Bakir that Eeyore was clearly depressed, but I don’t think he got fondled. Pooh liked ‘em young and pale with a hint of scrotum showing beneath their shorts.
Nah, Eeyore was pissed ’cause his friends were a permanently stoned pedo, a cokehead, a nervous, gay dude and a cranky rabbit with a Napolean complex.
Wouldn’t you be sad all the damn time if that was your clique?
@miss t-lee,
The link just took me to Eeyore’s general page. And I tried to copy and paste the whole URL, but it didn’t recognize it.
Still, the simple fact that folks have a B-day party for him — without even knowing the details — is an epic hot mess.
@Cheekie,
Google Eeyore’s birthday party, and see what comes up. Should be the 1st or 2nd link.
@Big Man,
Yep…great points all around…lol
@miss t-lee,
lmfao…ok, I googled it. Not sure why the Wiki link didn’t work in the first place because I clicked it on Google and it appeared fine.
Anywho…
What the French Toast?! Also, I’m mad how when I was typing “Eeyore’s birthday…”, Google auto-filled the rest. Which means this is pretty big because folks are often searching for it. Eff this world, on the real. lol
@ Cheekie,
Glad you enjoyed the phuckery…lmao
“Baby, I got this pre-nup I want to show you…”
“So, I was talking to my ex, and she said you’re problem might be…”
“My momma said the if you use some bleach those stains would come out…”
“That baby don’t look nothing like me…”
Duck for cover if you utter any of those phrases.
@Big Man, what a great list. truly a good job.
@Big Man,
That reminds me of why Stephen Jackson is the NBA’s most awesome personality. His fiancee waited all the way to the wedding day to decide whether or not see would sign the pre-nup in an effort to pull his card. She refused to sign the contract,and Stephen walks out snaps his fingers and his portion of the wedding party walks out, leaving the bride in tears and her family and friends stunned. It is always good to see a man stick to his guns like that.
@Dash, stephen jackson and sticking to his guns…no pun intended?
@Dash,
Damn, I knew Stack Jack was gangsta, but I didn’t know he was Pablo Escobar.
Money or bullets for real, son.
@Dash,
Wow. Epic ultimatum FAIL on ol’ girl’s part…LMAO
@miss t-lee,
I am sure she was surprised! Like you don’t know the man you are marrying was capable of such a thing? Trying to pressure him in public. Yep. Epic Fail.
@ Sula,
Yeah…she definitely should have known better.
@Dash, so did they ever work it out and get married?
@Big Man,
I’m not mad at all about the pre-nup issue. Matter of fact, as he’s handing me his pre-nup papers, I’ll be handing him mine’s. (What… like women aren’t bringing mad assests to the table?)
@Big Man, LMAO this was so on point!!!!!
@Big Man,
sheeeet ima be the one to utter “baby i got this pre nup”
@Big Man,
LMAOOO.
so dead.
and any man would be too if he said these. good list.
Another quick story… last year I briefly dated this older 2520 dude.. His bff was this lez chick (nttawwt) and he’s telling me about her new girlfriend. He’s like, “Yeah, her new girlfriend is Dominican, but she looks black. She’s not like, you know, an Alex Rodriguez, where you can tell he’s a mixture, she’s like, if you didn’t know she was Dominican, you would think she’s black.”
*Blank stare*
Now I’m not Dominican but I definitely took offense to that!! Like, he might as well have said she has big lips and nappy hair LOL.. Dominicans/PR and Hispanics in general come in all complexions, hair textures, etc. like black folk.. I just didn’t understand why he felt a need to make that distinction, like he coulda just said she was Dominican and left it at that.
*SMH*
@BKSweetheart,
Boy, be glad I wasn’t there for that. I would have tore him a new hole.
to say to a black woman without her prompting, wanting you etc..that you and your brethen from
Delaware don’t really date black women up there……that will forever put you in the certified bama category
@Orange of the good SE! Phcuk “River East” o_O,
Me and you gon fight for making my LMAO!!! Hear Hear!!!
@Smiley Face, these new “citizens” young O_o
Oh I got a good one. I know this statement is new, but since this community is about educating the public and all, all the 2520 should know to never and I say NEVER tell a black woman “My penis is sort of like a white supremacist” because you will experience the Mortal Kombat sub-zero “FINISH HIM” fatality…
*Kanye shrug*
4. Calling her a hood chic when she feels she is sophisticated. Just because you went to Everest, DeVry, or even a HBCU or PWI doesn’t make you sophisticated. Nor does a job where you have to dress professional. I made a few chics mad by saying this. If they didn’t try to play me I wouldn’t have said it
“““““““““““““““““““““““““““““`
hilarity……!
- I think you should lose some weight ( whoa..! boy if this didnt make me go through so many pu$$y embargo)
-complimenting her friend ….“i think nikki is a well dressed sista“
- Questioning the credentials of her pastor or any of those black televangelists ( insert televangelist of your choice here)
-
@oliver,
Man, this reminds me of a time I told a group of women I hated Tyler Perry and I thought they were going to rip my head off. One of them was one of those self-proclaimed bougie girls (thinks she’s professional cuz she wears 5 inch platform heels to work…thinks she’s well read because she owns the E. Lynn Harris collection…makes sure her gucci purse is showing, label out, in all of her facebook pictures). Then when I showed her an article about how he hates black women she got frustrated and screamed “Well he’s good because makes movies about real life! That’s real life!!! You don’t support black film!”
Re: Can I C*M on your…
I don’t mind special requests however most of my friends do and get highly offended. I tell my friends to ask “can I poot on your forehead” and the problem will resolve itself.
“Your child looks Lavar Burton.”
I’m done.
@TheCapriciousDevotee, I thought Lavar was kinda cute on reading rainbow…but then again I had a thing for “rugged” looking men…
Not only did I laugh hard, but I also related deeply to 2. Being half & half, I will sort between 2 languages and call you all kinds of ish if you dare say that to me.
If I don’t like you and we have prior beef and that word comes out of your mouth, chances are, it will take at least 2 people to hold me back from shoving my stiletto in your culo. Ask my male friends…most of them will distance themselves when angry.
But yea, this post was awesomely funny.
Never ask a black woman if her hair is real. Especially if it obviously is a weave. She will start shooting lasers out of her eyeballs.
So mostly for 2520′s and some BM:
Don’t ever say “You sure are pretty for a BW.”
WTF!? Like ALL BW are ugly compared to what? The millions of non-black women that God beats mercilessly with an ugly stick every time sperm touches an egg? *give me a break*
You should never start a question off to a black woman, “Why don’t you…” If so prepare for that evil glare and then duck because she is about to take your head off.
Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/
ANYTHING to do with hair- i once had a *well meaning* white friend say ‘aww you should have your hair out in an afro it would look really cool/why don’t you?’(my hair is in extensions/braids)
NO.I don’t tell you how to do your hair,i’m a real person,not afro- barbie who you can style how you like ,to look like your authentic *ethnic* friend.
OT;
Have you noticed whenever there is a ‘racially diverse’ group of friends in an advert,the black girl is always reasurringly black; (how I imagine that *friend* would have liked me to look)skinny and curly afro.Come on now,how many black women do you see like that everyday,sure some,but the majority are thicker and have relaxed/weave hair,lets be real,but why do you rarely see such women as part of a ‘chums’ magazine/tv ad set up?
Maybe you do in america,i’m talking from a british perspective,and for the record,not hating on the natural afro style,my mum rocks it, it looks good,but just sayin’ don’t think the majority of black british women have their hair like that,yet tv/magazines don’t reflect that,opting for *stock image* ‘natural sista’,instead for some reason.
10: You’re Hired.