Lists, Race & Politics

Protect Your Neck: Things You Should Never Say To a Black Woman.

Yesterday we had depth. Today, we go practical.

Lions, tigers, and bears? Mere childsplay.

Having automotive problems in a low-income community where the population has a combined annual income of 37 cents and a stick of gum? Sounds like pure sunshine.

Having the tongs of Thor clamp down on my nether regions in the universe’s most intense game of “Uncle”? I scoff at such displays of plebianism.

Pissing of a Black woman? I’d rather eat my spleen with Captain’s Hook and Iago’s beak.

I know grown men who are deathly afraid of Black women. Now, that’s not to say that we’re afraid of them in general, it’s more the wrath of a nubian queen when she’s tested by somebody she doesn’t deem worthy of handing out Scantrons. And that’s just when your order is wrong at a restaurant. Heaven (only knows) forbid you ask her a dumb question! You’re looking at a possible full on embarassment with a side of “somebody musta done told you wrong.”

By the way, this is not just something white people do. This transcends race as people of all spectrums have gone wronger than MC Hammer at H&R Block. Take a gander, but leave my money, beeeyotch.

1. “Girl look at your a**, your a** is so phat!”

Aside from the general uncouthness here, unless you’re on a pr0n video shoot, there’s no good reason to just utter this out of the blue. Well, not directly anyway. Yelling from afar where it is difficult to discern who said it is probably the best time to do that. Now that I think about it, if you are able to tell how phat a girl’s bootay is from at least 300 paces, I definitely think that you should call attention to it as a sort of community service. Fine hind parts are to be admired and respected, and shared with the viewing public. Oh and if the chick’s name includes -qua, ‘, *, or a number (or any combination thereof), you can totally say this to her and it will be received well.

Liiiiiiiiike, “Hey Qua’qua*qua0, girl, look at your a**, your a** is so phat!”

“Oooooooooooooh, Steveandoorestadojuan, I know. You ain’t gon’ touch it though, you got the cooties.”

2. “B*************tch!”

Unless you’re another Black woman, this is frowned upon more than Amy Winehouse at a Mother’s Against Looking Like Sh*t meeting (MALLS). Plus this one almost GUARANTEES a response. God forbid she’s of Latino descent because you’re going to get cursed out in syntax you’ve never dreamed of.

3. “You are so ghetto.” <—See how I enunciated that? I speak so well. Bumaye Obama.

Especially if you aren’t Black. Not sure when white people started to think they knew what “ghetto” was – probably after the South Central LA movie rush of the early 90s and then anything starring Mo’Nique thereafter – but that’s one of the worst things you can call a Black woman. For one, you’ve probably never seen ghetto…until that moment. You see, some of us Black people have misplaced priorities. We like to enlighten the endarkened whenever possible. So if you call a Black woman ghetto, well, she just might show you ghetto. And it generally starts with your face meeting the ground and ends with two girls one cup.

4. “That’s why he’s dating white women.”

Ouch. If you are ever in earshot of this comment and there are Black women present, grab your Orville Redenbacher, move your chair and watch the fireworks. I envision this conversation would go look something like a pirahna attacking a teddy bear holding a picture of a starving kid from Colombia or Compton. You see, in a Black woman’s mind, there is no good reason why he’s dating a white woman, but you for DAMN sure don’t know why. And lawdhelpyou if her name is Qua’qua*qua0.

5. “You smell like chicken.”

Unless of course she does in which case, bite her.

6. “Black women have too much attitude.”

Do not poke the bear. Speaking of bears, was Winnie the Pooh gay? Or just eternally high?

7. “Your child looks Lavar Burton.”

Them’s fighting words.

8. ” Oh my gosh! Your hair is so rough!”

I actually can’t think of a single time this could ever have a positive spin to it. I mean, it might hurt my feeling if somebody said to me, “Panama, your hair looks like a brillo pad threw up and had triplets on your head”. And I’m bald. Chemo. Just don’t do it.  Mel Gibson doesn’t hate Jewish people as much as that Black woman will hate you.

9. “If you will suck my soul, I will lick your funky emotions.”

Cuz, like, ewwwww.

10. “You look like the Earth.”

Unless she has on a headwrap. At which point, just start singing, “pick yo’ afro daddy, because it’s flat on one side.”

Okay, don’t do that.

Anyway, good folks of the VSB, what are some other things you should never say to a Black woman?

Someone stop the world!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • Spinster

    Number 2 is my ultimate deal-breaker and if anyone, man or woman, utters it in my direction… hell hath no fury like Spinster scorned.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Spinster, just an utterance?

      like what if there just so happens to be a chickdog running the streets right by you and dude yells it out b/c perhaps he’s uber scientific and sh*t?

  • Satya

    “Unless she has on a headwrap. At which point, just start singing, “pick yo’ afro daddy, because it’s flat on one side.”

    Dead! That is all for now
    *well you said you were gonna take me to a wu tang concert…*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Satya, i told a chick with a perm to pick her afro once. she didn’t get it.

      so i sang a song of sixpence and pull some rum out of my pocket.

      • Satya

        @Panama Jackson, lol I love that song. When I used to work retail one of my coworkers joined in singing it with me. Mind you he’s the whitest man you’ve ever seen lol

  • http://hunnybeezhive.blogspot.com Beez (is back from under the shroud of darkness

    One that grinds my gears to no end…

    “You speak so well! Were you really born and raised in *insert some hood phi hood city here*?”

    Good post though. All of these sitches awaken the eye buckin’ (though I can’t), finger pointin’, neck rollin’ beast in many.

    • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Dash

      @Beez (is back from under the shroud of darkness,

      I get the you speak so well, are you sure you are from the hood comment from Black people as well. It is one of those things that those with excellent diction must endure.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Beez (is back from under the shroud of darkness, you cant blame the white man though, you know you darkies can’t talk.

      i mean have you LISTED to wacka flocka flame speak?

      or what about Reh Dogg?

      just saying.

      • Ally

        @Panama Jackson,

        and what is a wacka flocka anyway…lol

    • Caballeroso

      @Beez (is back from under the shroud of darkness,
      When I get that whole “you speak so well” comment from whites, I love to see them struggle to find a P.C. response when I ask, “Why wouldn’t I?”

      • miss t-lee

        @Caballeroso,
        This is totally something I would say. LOL
        Then watch ‘em squirm.

      • Will Slap EmWithaDegree+Frame

        @Caballeroso, my response usually is as follows:

        Ritz: oh but you speak so well…
        Me: [whispers]…” oh and I’s can read good too, and Columbia University gimme mes a de-gree. I’s real smart. oh shhh my masta comin…”

    • Tahirah

      @Beez (is back from under the shroud of darkness, or the look of disdain wen people find out i can speak spanish, arabic, and italian. As if ebonics is the only language I was exposed to…

      • Caballeroso

        @Tahirah,
        You showoff! :)

  • Ms. Smart

    You kind of look like that chick from The View…not the chuuby one…the one with no eyebrows.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Ms. Smart, i seent you. i’d be offended as hell if anybody ever said that to you.

      now if you mean in general. anybody being called whoopi should be fighting words.

      i mean, SHE AINT GOT NO EYEBROWS!

      • http://ThinkPrettySmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

        @Panama Jackson, Nobody’s said that to me. But I’ve seen it. It didn’t end well.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @Panama Jackson,

        “anybody being called whoopi should be fighting words.”

        Man, even Whoopi himself would be insulted by that insinuation.

        • lovin’ me

          @Cheekie,

          LOL!

  • JumpOnIt

    Good List!!

    Two to add…

    1. To piggy back off your #8, anything related to a black womens hair is pretty much off limits. Can I touch your hair? Is it real? What does it feel like?? Why are you natural? Is that all yours?
    — A woman hair is a sworn secret between her and stylist and her supplier. Save yourself by not going there.

    2. That’s a womens job.
    –Seriously??

    3. Asking for head in a round about way.
    –“You better get your mother to suck your dick!”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @JumpOnIt, 2. That’s a womens job.
      –Seriously??

      what, you don’t think there are such things as woman’s jobs? like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and enduring daily sexism? sounds like woman’s work to me. maxwell just had that sh*t ALL wrong…or whatever the chick’s name is that wrote the song.

      • overit

        @Panama Jackson, Kate Bush. Which version do you like better? I know a lot of people who like hers better. I love Maxwell’s of course, and not cause he’s my husband and I have to support him. He’s just good.

        loll.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @overit, i prefer maxwell’s version. something about the way he walks really slowly thru NY singing just lends a real visual.

          then the whole water thing. like…slow motion falling in water? so hot.

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @overit,

          Yeah Kate Bush’s version is a good one, but I think Maxwell topped it.

        • JumpOnIt

          @overit,

          Maxwell.. sooo not your husband.. no offense to your relationship, but we def got a thing going. I saw him last year at the Festival.. O My Gawd!!

          Anyway… his version is great.. but I heard the original on an episode of either Cold Case or Without A Trace… and whoa she killed it. So it depends on which version I am listening to.

    • http://keepthechangeanonymous.blogspot.com/ Tenchi

      @JumpOnIt,
      1. To piggy back off your #8, anything related to a black womens hair is pretty much off limits. Can I touch your hair? Is it real? What does it feel like?? Why are you natural? Is that all yours?

      As a VSS with loc’s I smiggitysmackin’ HATE when mofo’s ask “if it’s mine” combined with “Do you wash it?”

      I DON’T roll my neck but the teeth sucking gets VEHEMENT before I pop off…”Do you wash your va~jay~jay?!!”
      Freakin’ twit…it’s HAIR not a gremlin…I CAN wet it if I want!!!!

      • JumpOnIt

        @Tenchi,

        I’m natural, and between the offers to ??touch it?? what is it an exhibit?? Or the questions…

        Seriously… I choose not to have my hair chemically processed. What is the big deal or the confusion?

  • JumpOnIt

    3* to add…

    – A woman hair is a sworn secret between her, her* stylist and her supplie

  • http://www.theaudacityofhustle.com EbonyI

    I can’t believe you outed Winnie like that!

    Only thing i would add: making unsolicited sexual comments in a completely non-sexual context. As my grandmother would say, ain’t no need to be talking up under folks clothes

    an example? my pleasure:
    On an airplane, tired, headed home from trip #3421, seat mate is a middle aged white guy that I have never seen before
    Him: so you headed home or leaving home?
    Me: Happily, going home
    Him: are you wearing a thong?
    Me: Who the ^&^%#^* ^*%$# and what the ^*&&*&# the next time )*&^%! Nasty MF!!!
    Him: Ms. Flight attendant, would it be possible for me to change seats?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @EbonyI, if you cant ask that question on a plane, where can you ask it?

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @EbonyI,

      UGH! And you gotta sit next to him for the whole flight?! lol Yeah, I would most definitely have to change seats as well. His snake (on the plane) needs to be stuffed back into his pants. Nasty arse!

    • Sula

      @EbonyI,

      Was he high? Or did he want a re-enactment of Up in the Air? Was he CRAZY?!?!?!

  • http://theyounganddisenchanted.wordpress.com/ puff

    never diss the cooking. or act lukewarm about the cooking. anything along the lines of, “i dunno baby, i think there might have been a little too much salt in there” is liable to get a man cut where i come from.

    • http://www.dedicatedtotheblackman.wordpress.com WonderWoman

      @puff, YEP!

    • http://wheresana.blogspot.com/ Intellectual Hedonist

      @puff, ok I aint black and neither is my mama but the other day I told her she put a little too much salt in some food. I think the only thing that spared me getting chopped up with a butcher knife is that I was holding her youngest grandson in my arms. We Hispanic/Latinos dont do well with you criticizing our food either. Unless you about to say “this is good/great/the bomb” keep your mouth shut or prepare for the wrath

    • Caballeroso

      @puff,
      If you’ve got good heath insurance and need a vacation, try saying “Yeah babe, your broccoli casserole is good, but it ain’t like my mom’s.”

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @Caballeroso, ive done that before. chick cold stopped cooking for me AND i never heard the end of it.

        • miss t-lee

          @Panama Jackson,
          Exactly. That’s how it should have gone…lol

        • Smiley Face

          @Panama Jackson,

          Serves you right! Hmph!

        • Sula

          @Panama Jackson,

          I stopped cooking for the dude who said something similar. You gonna compare my cooking to that of your female relatives? Boy, let them fix you a meal then! Pffft!

    • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Dash

      @puff,
      I get away with dissing women’s cooking all the time, but I am a special case. I am the lovable d-bag, and I am often not forced to observe a lot of social mores.

      • 8th Wonder

        @Dash,

        This comment made me chuckle.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @puff, i think there might have been a little too much salt in there” is liable to get a man cut where i come from.

      so he should just take the high sodium death and be happy he’s eating?

      • PoliBohoGlam

        @Panama Jackson,

        Die slowly later, or painfully now.

  • http://blackwomanlost.blogspot.com/2010/02/blog-poetry-slam-41-falling.html naturallyalise1

    Do NOT under any circumstances say something bad about her mama. Even if she is trash talking about how much she hates her mama… just don’t go there, unless you would like a punch to the nuts… a nutpunch ain’t worf it son… it ain’t worf it…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @naturallyalise1, you know, i kind of assumed that men jumped bad harder if you talked about our mothers.

      oh wait, we just end up more dead. women just yell it out.

  • meka

    What the hell is “Qua’qua*qua0″ and how do you pronounce it?

    I couldn’t read anything after that. Lol!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @meka, it’s prounced like “christina”

      • Smiley Face

        @Panama Jackson,

        _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________^^^^________________…*flatline*

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @Smiley Face,

          I flatlined after Panama’s name, then double flatlined after his pronounciation, then triple flatlined at your infinity flatline, Smiley Face. lmfao That line is the dayum Energizer Bunny.

      • INFJgurl

        @Panama Jackson,
        Funniest thing I’ve read all week. I totally need that. Thank you.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @INFJgurl, you’re welcome.