That's it. I can't keep a man because I'm pretty.

This might sound sort of Tiiiimmmmy, but I actually feel bad for really pretty women sometimes. Sure, feeling bad for pretty women is like feeling bad for rich people. Drake. But you know, problems are problems, no matter how stupid.

And everybody’s got issues. Jet.

I can honestly say that I know a lot of really pretty women. I also know a lot of formerly pretty women, which has given me both a control and an experimental group for my observational delight. Yes, unknowing and unintentional subjects run rampant on the streets because much like the rain or reign, you cannot stop time. Yes, time keeps on slipping…into the future. Poignant.

Back to pretty women and their problems. Because they’re pretty, generally, nobody gives a f*ck about how hard they may have it. And pretty chicks have it plenty hard. For instance, you know how busted chicks get hollered at by homeless men that owe the dentist teeth and generally unambitious, lazy drug dealers and former Bad Boy artists? Well pretty women have to deal with all those same ninjas PLUS all the rest of the men that have nothing to lose by hollering at a chick whose sole value seems to be her looks.

Here are a few pretty girl problems.

1. Quality control

How are you supposed to find a good man when you literally have to sift through ALL men? I know all women seek attention. But of course, there’s usually an inverse relationship between how much attention you get and how much you might actually want. That has to be overwhelming. I see rather unattractive light skint women getting major sweats frequently. Poor hot chick, though. She has to deal with twelve times that attention. Of course, its better than the alternative. She could be Precious and have folks taking pictures of her at basketball games with captions like, “YO, PRECIOUS ACTUALLY HAS A MAN, Y’ALL. YOU GOTS TO SEE THIS SH*T”

2. Sworn Enemy of the Hater Association That Eats Raspberries Society

That acronym worked better in my head than on paper. Either way, pretty chicks have more haters than a little bit, and for doing nothing more than being born pretty. Sure a lot of pretty chicks have attitudes and make songs like “Pretty Girl Rock” where they talk about being cuter than anybody else. And yes, occasionally they deserve to have a cupcake thrown at them. But the truth is, all pretty chicks ain’t stuck up hussies. A lot are just pretty and want to be loved and liked by people from 8 to 80 from various socio-economic classes. But they can’t get that love. Because people hate on things that look better than them. Actually, this is mostly chicks.

3. Nobody wants them on Jeopardy

Jeopardy is the great brain equalizer. Busted women of the world have descended upon that stage and become somebody important for 30 minutes during the week. We value their brains and are impressed by their acumen. Place Tyra Banks on Jeopardy and we’re surprised that she can spell her name without adding a heart to it. And that’s sad. There are a lot of really smart pretty girls out there and nobody cares. Which is again, an odd problem to have. But its a problem nonetheless. If nobody ever valued me for my brain I’d probably get a chip on my shoulder too and want to always talk about deep sh*t like Black Holes and John Cougar Mellencamp. Poor pretty girls.

4. Esteem issues

It’s odd to think of pretty chicks having esteem issues, but it happens all the time. Seeing as a lot of pretty chicks rarely ever have to develop an actual personality, they almost devalue themselves by playing up on their attractiveness or not expecting anybody to expect much out of them. That creates an inner turmoil since, again, there is no personality or real person underneath all of that gooey goodness. A lot of pretty women struggle with identity issues and esteem issues because they’ve never had anybody take an interest in them outside of their looks. That’s sad. It’s kind of like watching those animals on the ASPCA commercials that just want a home. Next time you see a pretty chick, offer to adopt her. She just wants to come home like Diddy.

(Sidenote: My goodness, Jim Jones song “Perfect Day” might be the gayest song I’ve heard in a long time right after Nelly’s “Just a Dream”. My God man.)

Pretty ladies, I feel for you. You have problems too. All you want is somebody to love. And somebody to care about you as a person.

Pretty ladies, speak out, let me hear your plight.

And ladies, I think you’re all dimes.

On the real though, do pretty girls have it hard? Or is it all just blown smoke?

Do pretty girl problems matter when so many busted jawns need our help?

Talk to me, VSB. What it is?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

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