Theory & Essay

Plus De Personnes.

I just got finished watching Judge Hatchett.  I rarely watch these court shows but I picked the right time to watch.

So on this particular episode, a man and a woman are on trying to establish paternity of the woman’s son.  So let the games begin.

Here’s what we know:

1)  dude is already married.

2) he got drunk one night and began flirting with the woman.  he and woman engaged in a little lickemhighlickemlow.

3) however, dude doesn’t actually REMEMBER having relations with her.

Da hell?  He was that drunk that he doesn’t remember at all.  Well, I guess thats possible..except ole girl said that he wasn’t even drunk or not even close to visibly drunk.

Hmm.

4) the relations…HAPPENED AT HIS FATHER-IN-LAW’S HOME.  AND HIS FATHER-IN-LAW WAS THERE.  AWAKE.  SAW HIM COME IN WITH THE OTHER WOMAN.

Whoa whoa whoa.  I’m sorry.  I just don’t believe this for the life of me.  This does not happen.  Not in America, Jack.  Somebody’s been bamboozled.  Possibly even hoodwinked?

Has anybody seen Plymouth Rock?

There is no way in the living.squirrel.f*ck. that a man is going to allow his daughter’s husband to CHEAT ON HIS DAUGHTER knowingly AND in his own home.

Yeah.  No.

Thing is.  That’s what happened.  Dude even said, “your honor, i wouldn’t believe it either if I wasn’t involved.”

And the coup de grace:

5)  their son’s name is Dequarius.  Or DeQuarious.  Or DeKwhere-e-us.

We don’t believe you.  You need more people.  If I hadn’t seent this show with these people with mine own two eyes, I wouldn’t believe this.  No way, no how, nuh uh.

Well, this particular show got me thinking about the good people of VSB.com.  You see, nearly all of us have come with some kind of story that most of us, for lack of a better term, don’t believe.  Folks got stories of women threatening to go play in traffic if I they were to break up with her them.

By the way, she ALSO pulled a knife and threatened to stab herself to which I replied, “you better call your ex with that BS.  either that or one yourself.  it’s time to sh*t or get off the pot, chicky.”

And by the way, it is the dude’s son.

In essence, nearly everybody on this site gets questioned about some of their stories.  But you know what, a lot of these stories are true.  Whether I believe you or not.

And with that said, good folks of VSB, what’s THE MOST outlandish relationship story you have?  Or what’s the most outlandish thing you’ve done in regards to the opposite sechs?  I’m talking the one that nobody believes no matter how often you tell it the exact same way. Some of you have shared whoppers, but others have been holding back.

Judge Jackson wants to know.  VSB wants to know.  Do it for the children.  Do it for the people.

Do it for Dequarius.  Or DeQuarious.  Or Dekwhere-e-us.

Share.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • eff yo couch

    am I first?

    • postmodern pwnage

      @eff yo couch, damn it! you beat me! why? why? i was so close! excuse me while i go swallow bleach :(

      • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

        @postmodern pwnage,

        Don’t do that. All you will get in your honor is an old azz egg sammich and a robo-call to A&R that Luvvie pre-recoded in Autotune to set up your funergro.

        • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Relax, Relate, Alise

          @PBG,

          on the call it will be playing “Donk” in the background.

          • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

            @Relax, Relate, Alise,

            *not quite dead, but having chest pains*

        • postmodern pwnage

          @PBG, LOL
          i have since calmed down. congrats eff!

    • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

      @eff yo couch, smh

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @eff yo couch,

      hilarity!

    • eff yo couch

      OMG!! I’m too sleepy, plus I’m not prepared to give an acceptance speech. Oh what the hell . . .

      First I want to thank God, without Him none of this is possible. The good people of VSB, thank you for the many hours of entertainment while I’m at work. If it was for everyone on VSB (and this flask in my desk) I’d probably would have went postal a long time ago. While I’m here I’d like to thank, Mom and Dad, they knew the time . . .
      *pauses to wipe tear from eye*

      Most importantly I want to thank the person who introduced to this wonderful site (the messed up part is I can’t remember who put me down . . .I guess that’s my crazy story for the day)

      *the dj starts playing the wrap it up music*

      Thanks and shyt!!!

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @eff yo couch,

        *standing ovation…contemplates throwing draws onstage…just bought a new pair at the walmarts*

      • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

        @eff yo couch,

        Please… go SAT DOWN. There’s a stool waiting for you. Think bout your life.

      • charli skipper

        @eff yo couch, loves it! and no one deserves this more than you.

      • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

        @eff yo couch,
        Congrats homie. *salute* lol.

        • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

          @Monk,

          Yooo Monk. I responded with a defense of Xmas on P&A. Check it out. U and GK hurt its feelings

          • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

            @Luvvie,

            That shyt was hilarious, even though I don’t agree w/you making nice w/that buster-a$$, mark-a$$, trick-a$$ ninja Christmas.

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @PBG,

              whats p&a?

              • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

                @shatani,

                P&A is a blog that Luvvie writes w/Genius Khan.

                He’s Powerful and she’s Awesome. It’s great!

              • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

                @shatani,

                oooooh! muy interesante! whats the link? i wanna go see!

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @eff yo couch,

        *stands up and claps* Woooo! Very nice speech!

        Shatani, save yo draws girl, you paid good money for em and although the speech was good, it wasn’t pannie-worthy, lol. It’s a recession, dammit.

      • overit

        @eff yo couch, I’m surprised V.E.G. and Intellectual Hedonist aint ruin your party with their “am i first is not a real post”.

        Hmph!

        Congrats though friend, I’M happy for you!

        • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

          @overit, you know I considered raining on eff’s parade but I had just gotten back from having a wonderful dinner, with great dessert and some wine so I was feeling great. But TODAY is a new day and EFF know’s that “am i first” is not a real post.

          @ eff yo couch, you know you know better, you been here long enought to know!

          snatches award first post award and storms off stage

          • eff yo couch

            @Intellectual Hedonist,

            Nooooooo, not my award. Now I know how Vanessa Williams feels . . . this is some bullshyt . . .but it’s cool I won’t get upset, I’ll just kick a hole in the speaker, pull a plug, and then jet . . .

            • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

              @eff yo couch,

              “Now I know how Vanessa Williams feels”

              LMAO. Eff… YOU STOOPID

            • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

              @eff yo couch, hold on there microphone Fiend….at least you got an award even if it was unceremoniously revoked…LMAO

              oh and
              Now I know how Vanessa Williams feels”
              BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    i dont really have any outlandish stories…im a pretty mild mannered chick. i will say though, i believe your story about the “i hate you, dont leave me” chick…ive seen that a lot in my line o’ work. in this age of terrible parenting, that kind of crazy is more common that most folks think!

    i do have a story about the time i made so many poor choices on a first date that i couldve easily ended up on the side of a milk carton! i think back on that and shudder at the utter stupidity. *smh*

    • Princess Duvet

      @shatani, “i dont really have any outlandish stories…im a pretty mild mannered chick.”

      me too… Charles Kuralt was half crazy when he said “everybody has a story”.

      lookin up toward the heavans..no errybody don’t Charles..no errybody don’t (yes don’t)..

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @Princess Duvet,

        thats why i just really never got the ABW stereotype…cuz generally, most of the negrettes that i know are also pretty mild mannered chicks.

        • Princess Duvet

          @shatani”thats why i just really never got the ABW stereotype…cuz generally, most of the negrettes that i know are also pretty mild mannered chicks.”

          me neither…btw..”mild mannered negrettes” is actually coming on the hallmark channel next month its a four part series. I heard its a lot crying going on…but not narry one of them gets ABW.. not one.

          • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

            @Princess Duvet,

            that ish is gonna get NO ratings!

          • Luvtheshoes

            @Princess Duvet,

            It plays at the same time as the Bad Girls Club to counteract all that foolishness

            • V Renee

              @Luvtheshoes

              Ummmmmm I have a confession. I LOVE the Bad Girls Club. I can’t get enough of it!!!!!!!

              “The devil called. He wants yall to come home………..BYTCHES”

              • http://www.pbghappenings.blogspot.com PBG

                @V Renee,

                I effin’ LOVE Bad Girls Club and I am not ashamed to admit it. Everybody already knows how much I love ig’nance…just look @ my e-crew: Alise & Luvvie! LMAO!!

                And my crew is NIIICE!

        • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

          @shatani, I think everybody has a story..things that seem normal and run of the meal to you might be totally wild and ridiculous to someone else. You never know…the stories I tell you guys aint shyt compared to the stories I could tell of my family shyt I am the boring one to them….

          • Princess Duvet

            @Shay-d-lady, “I think everybody has a story”

            i do to…i was e-lyin on Charlie..sorry shatani :(

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @Princess Duvet,

              lmao! its alright…i think everyone has a story as well…i just dont think my story is particularly interesting. it aint bestseller list material and shyt.

  • jana.love

    i’mma be right back. i have to go construct my shizz. it’s a novel. my bad to the hooked on phonicers who can’t go pass 3 paragraphs. just move on.

  • jana.love

    whoooooo.

    my cousin, love her to death, is one of the most retarded females i have ever met. chick is BEAUTIFUL, mixed with spanish, chinese, black AND from the caribbean, so she got quadruple exoticbustanutness about her. but man, the shit she’s caught up in right now is just bonkers.

    came to ny in 2001, located 3 guys and a girl she went to school with, started hanging out and having a good time with her homies. met her friend’s grumpy cousin, and “hung out” with him even more. it worked well, everybody chilled, they hooked up, he was from florida, chillin in ny for a bit. cool beans. she likes said grumpy guy and wanted a bit more, but he did have a young child[and a WIFE in FL]. he called her baby mamma and said they were over, but of course my cuz didn’t know they were married [and still together]. but you would think the fact that he did not give you a number and only called you blocked [in the wee hrs of the morning] was a hint. nope. she sucked it all up.

    i’m not gonna lie, dudes are really smart. he never once called her his gf or anything similar to that, he always said they were “friends” and she was the only one that understood him blah blah blah. so when the “wife” umm, calls your phone and cusses you out a few times a yr, that was what you went with. “we’re just friends :)”

    fast foward to 2006 when grumps said he was coming to ny to look for a job and needed a place to stay. oh yeah, you guessed it. she was helping out a “friend” for a few weeks and let him move it for “2 weeks”. dem 2 weeks turned into 1 and a half AND he didn’t pay your rent AND he worked [as an accct] and was never really out a job [he has a degree!]. hmmmmm. and in this time he called you AND your mamma out her name AND said you were worth nothing, but you ain’t kick him out?? oh good god.

    let’s speed it up again. in sept you tell me you’re breaking the lease and moving out, not bothering to sublet and were “positive” that company wasnt gonna sue you for the next 3 months rent. do i look i stick peanut butter in my nose? i ain’t stoopid!! i said, fine, what ever, YOUR LIFE, not mine. of course, she later confessed that she left HIM the apt cuz he wanted his daughter to move to ny [awwwwwwww] to be with him.

    with the WIFE in tow. HA! so you go to YOUR apt where this NINJA is stayin with his WIFE and child and you’re pissed? i’m sorry, why? oh btw, the wife works and he’s agreed to pay the rent while he was there, yet, he’s late with rent 2 months in a row and didn’t even pay the full amount! you pay the rest AND the late fee? hello? two working adults coming up short? don’t make me blow a gasket….

    the finale…
    so she decides she gonna move BACK into the apt when the lease renews in dec (instead of turning it over to him). and she gets some BALLS and goes over there to tell him he needs to move out NOW (aka nov 15thish) and take his shiz with him, because he didn’t even pay the rent, so jus call it even. what does this sucka say?? “i ain’t movin one flying $#*& till dec 15th and if you try to get me out i’ll tear this place apart.”

    her response? “oh ok.”

    :|

    thank god i work and go to school and i’m 3 hrs away. cuz i was damn near ready to put my braids in a scarf, get my sweats on, go whoop some ass, then call the cops and a locksmith. i been in a boxing class recently, i been yearning for a good ol whoopass session.[to test mah skills an ish]

    but i can’t do what someone doesn’t want to do.

    • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

      @jana.love, this just made me angry. but i don’t know who i’m more angry with…your cousin or the dude. shoot, i’m about to call the police long distance. sheeeeeeit.

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

      @jana.love,

      about every third sentence i was uttering an audible “Aw hayle NAW!!!”

      I’m mad at your cousin for being stuck on some ol silly stupid sh*t.

      I’m extra mad at dude for being so damn triflin… but then again, she LET him be triflin. Some dudes will get away with whatever you accept from them. So I’m back to being mad at your cousin again….

      Aight. I’m ALSO pissed at wifey because she KNEW she had a triflin ass husband and stayed married to him. Granted there was a child in the mix, but that’s no freaking excuse. Then again, given her “I work but I ain’t payin for sh*t and I’mma slide up in the side jawn’s bed” mess, she trife too…

      ohhh… this is just tooo much! Got my pressha up…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @jana.love, well, damn.

      sad to say, we all know this woman. hell, i got a cousin who was that same girl. let her dude run all up and over her. bought dude a car, put it in her name under the condition he’d “make the payments”…which he never did once he realized that if he paid it or not his name and credit would be fine. her’s? not so much.

      so what does she do after her credit goes to the crapper (and it cost her a job too)…she gets this ninja an APT in her name too…lol.

      hayseuss be a credit counselor and therapist.

    • http://www.museacdonline.etsy.com pgh muse

      @jana.love,

      tsk tsk tsk **shaking head real slow** she’ll get good and tired one day…

    • Gem of the Ocean

      all i can say is WOWSERS.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @jana.love,

      this is one of the few 500 plus word comments ive ever read that was actually worth the 500 words.

      damn

      • jana.love

        @The Champ,

        lol, thanks champ. of course you know that is hardly the half man!!

        coincidentally, the “baby mamma” and her were on the same flight and the the baby moms cursed my cousin out infront of the whole flight callin her a wh0re and a sl&t and a home wrecker and she said nothing!!

        and then when they arrived at the airport, he was there to pick up his wife and child in a car, while you took a cab home…..BTW, they were still living together!! he straight up walked passed her and got their suitcases!!

        i’ve stopped praying for her and have accepted her stupidity. said thing is, she may say she is “over” him, but the minute he steps back and wants to be “best friends” again, she’ll be there open arm like a dayum fool and i know it.

  • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

    Oh girl! I can’t believe you did that!

    That’s just some shyt we be sayin’. Nobody really means it.

    I don’t have any stories that aren’t believable, because the next broad done been there and done worse. May not be ready to admit that mess, but the same chick w/the look of shock and amazement on her face is quietly reliving her own extreme ho sh*t as you recount yours.

    The things we all do in an oxytocin-induced craze. *smh*

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @PBG,

      i sure could go for some oxycontin right na….

      *wistful*

  • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

    VSB folk in the MD/DC area, what y’all doing Fiday night? I am in town and yes will be on the town. what’s up?!!

    • IVR

      @Intellectual Hedonist, “VSB folk in the MD/DC area, what y’all doing Fiday night? I am in town and yes will be on the town. what’s up?!!”

      Party @ layla lounge Friday night!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @IVR, well IH, there you go…celebrate IVR’s birthday in style at Layla Lounge…

        if my ENTIRE FAMILY wasn’t coming into town i’d come out and celebrate too for at least a little bit…

        • IVR

          @Panama Jackson, “if my ENTIRE FAMILY wasn’t coming into town i’d come out and celebrate too for at least a little bit…”

          It’s all good P . .. u know ill be up in Bohemian Caverns. . .holla @ ur boy!

      • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

        @IVR, happy belated birthday IVR!!!

        • IVR

          @Miss Patterson, “happy belated birthday IVR!!!” Gracias

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    can i just say, i cant wait for veggie and shay-d to show up!! they have the best stories EVER!

    • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

      @shatani, pullin up a chair next to Shatani

    • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

      @shatani, I am hesitant because I have shared what I thought where mild joints and you guys were blown away.. Ihave two very very ridiculous stories..I mean if I wasnt there I wouldnt have beleived them….one of them involves a mirror and morris day ( the man not an album or song)..LMAO no Im serious….

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @Shay-d-lady,

        *pulls out tray of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and big glass of milk…sits cross-legged on the carpet with teddy bear and blanky*

        please, do tell!! i would love to hear about your jungle love!

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @Shay-d-lady,

        Morris Day? Oh yes, PLEASE do tell. Was yall doin “the bird”?

      • charli skipper

        @Shay-d-lady, morris day!? you had chex with morris day? did he do that mating call thing at his pivotal moment? you didn’t sweat his perm out did you? details!

        • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

          @charli skipper, naw I didnt.. umm he had s.e.x with himself and a mirror…. but I shant give any more details… but yeah this was also at the nasty a## strip club I worked at right after college…..and before michael baisden allowed him to frequent more upscale booty clubs…

          • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

            @Shay-d-lady,

            why is a young lady with a college degree workin at a nasty azz strip club??? shouldnt your bachelors earn you much more upscale accomodations?

            • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

              @shatani I thought so.. but it didnt..
              I ended up there because of problems at home so I went to live with my cousin who worked at said club….at first it was cool because I could come in when I wanted to and leave whenever….and the I m in college stick made many men but on there captain save em capes and give me big tips I mean I was making 100 dollars or more a night during the week with very little effort..but shyt I learned there is always a high price for easy money

              • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

                @Shay-d-lady,

                daaaaang….i could use some 100 dollar tips!

                oh wait…maybe i shouldnt have stopped reading there! lmao

              • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

                @Shay-d-lady, it was cool at first for real.. I mean you have to be real stern cause of all the ho.es and after the choke out I learned to tell pimps immediately and let them know off top..no for real JUST a waitress….but the longer I worked there the more that lifestyle became ..normal..and that shyt was crazy..I mean it became normal to see biatches fighting but naked, raids, people doing so much coke their jaws became LOCKED literally and could no longer moves.. the murder the over doses….it was like a ghetto hood version of what happened when alice went to wonderland..I had to get out when that started to become routine and college seemed like a dream…so off to the call centers I went

              • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

                @Shay-d-lady, well I moved on to bigger and better strip clubs and then call centers….

              • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

                @Shay-d-lady,

                was life any different at the bigger and better strip clubs?

              • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

                @Shatani, was life any different at the bigger and better strip clubs?

                I mean the quality was better…I mean there were acutal doors on the stalls in the bathroom, the VIP activities are done outside of the club, higher tippers, way less likely that the lap dance involves actual penetration..but underneath its all still the same……

          • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

            @Shay-d-lady,

            The very thought of that lil’ freckled face negro pleasing himself w/himself in a crunchy floor-a$$ skrip club is just nauseating.

          • charli skipper

            @Shay-d-lady, wait. so there’s a house full o’ strippers and this fool is in the mirror “tippin” himself? selfish bastid.

            • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

              @charli skipper, nope he had chosen my cousin to assist in the festivities…..and thats it no more details..

              • charli skipper

                @Shay-d-lady, eww!! to assist in the festivities!? nasty bastid!

                i can’t watch the micheal baisden show no mo. although it only had those 4 episodes anyway, so.

              • RedBeanzNRice

                @charli skipper,

                Is it just me, or does Baisden look like an improved version of Tavis Smiley’s ole stank ass? Cause I think they could very possibly be first cousins according to looks.

                -Apologies to Tavis fans, but he’s just way too stank to me since he tried to sabotage Obama.

              • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

                I been giving Tavis the side eye too since then…. but ur ah I always thought of Michael as the po mans steve harvey with his tired jokes and shyt

              • charli skipper

                @Shay-d-lady & RedBeanzRice

                he tried to sabotage obama? wait a minute! i’ma need that story on desk in the morning. and where, by the way, have i been.

                oh, also, lol @ “tavis smiley’s old stank ass.” m. baidsen kinda does look like a less stank-breathy, corny tavis. (all it took was the mere mention of him sabotaging obama for me to turn on tavis. yes, i’m fickle like that.)

              • RedBeanzNRice

                @Shay-d-lady,

                Maybe wit the tired jokes, but Baisden ain’t got Steve’s horse-mouf grill, which is a blessing, lol.

                I actually kinda like Baisden a lil bit – true his jokes are tired, and yeah, he got Morris up there lookin like an “extra spicy” order of hot wings, but I dig his interview style. Very down to earth (except for when Sheryl Lee Ralph was on the show..ugh)

              • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

                @charli

                tavis was being a whiney b*tch because obama had the audacity to NOT come on his little PBS/basic cable talk show. he would come on tom joyner on tuesday mornings talkin smack about obama and then when the audience lashed out at him and called him a hater, tavis decided he wouldnt be talking about obama no mo. he stopped comin on tom joyner for a good long time, cuz really nobody wanted to hear his bullsh*t. and this was early on…like primaries time.

              • RedBeanzNRice

                @charli skipper

                He got ran up outta his radio morning show (Tom Joyner) when he started talkin sideways bout Obama while he was running for office. See, Tavis was a Hillary supporter, and he had no good things to say about Obama; only questionings of his integrity and intelligence and such.

                He started getting hate mail, nasty on-air phone calls, and personal threats. He claims he left on his own volition, but truth be told, he basically got BOOED off the air. Story at:
                http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/11/AR2008041103056.html

                Sorry I couldn’t find the actual story that Tom Joyner told, cause he told the real reason about why Tavis “left”; (i.e. the hate mail and such) guess they removed it.

                Tavis likes to think he quit, but he knows damn well he was no longer wanted (by Joyner, staff or the listeners) after his shenanigans.

              • miss t-lee

                @Shay-d-lady,
                Tavis dug his own hole.
                I didn’t get to hear it 1st hand since they no longer play TJMS here, but I kept up with the saga.
                Hilarious.

  • RedBeanzNRice

    *sighs* It’s times like these that I wish I wasn’t such an ordinary relationship person. The only outlandish relationship story I have isn’t really as much outlandish as it is strange.

    I dated this guy Brooks for about 5 months or so. Very nice guy, but quirky. Because of his quirkiness, it took me a long time to sex him up; I just couldn’t wrap my head around his odd verbal outbursts. I mean, we’d be at the movies, and when something funny would happen, instead of laughing he’d shout “Zowie” or “Zonkers”, or anything equally as lame, which of course would make me scoot further down in my seat trying to shield myself from anyone who might possibly see me on a date with him. *sighs*

    Well, since he was otherwise charming, I decided to get past his touret’s syndrome, and give him some. It wasn’t pretty.

    So we’re all hugged up, gettin ready to throwdown, and right when we start gettin it on this fool starts singin to me. SINGING, like he’s his own mix tape and sh*t.

    I did everything I could to fight back my laughter, I mean he sang the whole damn time.

    And not no Luther, or Pendergrass either; this fool was singin Full Force. Smdh. (I used to like them an all, but it was 1998 and they’d been out of rotation for a good 10 years or more) Who does that? Needless to say, that was pretty much the beginning and the end of the sexcapades, and the relationship.

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @RedBeanzNRice,

      zowie? zonkers? are you sure you werent dating tv’s “the bat man,” adam west?? or that pot head shaggy from scooby do?

      POW!

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @shatani,

        I know right? lmao. It was ridiculous as hell.

    • charli skipper

      @RedBeanzNRice, you had me at “zonkers.” that’s all the outlandish you need.

      oh, wait, i just got to the singing. how very ‘silence of the lambs’ of him. just be glad he didn’t cry.

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @charli skipper,

        “you had me at “zonkers.” that’s all the outlandish you need.”

        I’m literally laughin out loud at that statement, but it’s just so sad. Kinda makes me wonder who he’s dating and/or married to now, and if she has to suffer through his lameness. Ah well, glad it ain’t me, lol.

        • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

          @RedBeanzNRice,

          hopefully she is equally as odd in other ways so as to compliment him perfectly!

          • charli skipper

            @shatani, yes…sometimes i just stare at the young lady who is dating my ex-lame (see, i knew he was lame but thought he was nice. so that’s my excuse.) and just wonder, “girl, can’t ya do better, chile?”

            on a semi-related note: he would just bust out and start scatting for no apparent reason. which would have been cool if he wasn’t lame, but he was lame. so it wasn’t cool. also, the first–and only–time we got into it, he asked–dead serious like he wanted to pull out a pencil and take notes–”so. are you THE KIND OF PERSON that likes to be _________ or ______.” i was like um…….so are you my accountant now? clap on!

            • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

              @charli skipper,

              hahahah…i cant knock the note-takin hustle…some folks are more visual learners! lmao!

          • RedBeanzNRice

            @shatani,

            She would hafta be, lol. Cause otherwise there’s no way in hell he could have a long lasting relationship if she wasn’t.

      • Peyso b/c I get money in all currencies

        @charli skipper, I would love a chick that scream zowie, and pow and any other forms of onomatopoeia when i boinked her

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

          @Peyso b/c I get money in all currencies,

          FREAK!

          *giggling like a fool*

        • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

          @Peyso b/c I get money in all currencies,

          The fact that you used the word “onomatopoeia” in its right form and spelled it correctly makes me want to bat my eyelashes at you. Hell, the fact that you even know what that word means gives you hella cool points

          I love Black Nerds

          • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

            @Luvvie,

            me too…i need a t-shirt that says as much!

            • http://www.pbghappenings.blogspot.com PBG

              @shatani,

              If the VSB staff doesn’t get on top of these tee-shirts and soon, ya’ll will soon see the PBG subsidiary on the intrawebs somewhere. There will be all sorts of shirts, mouse pads, mugs and tote bags w/VSB one liners on them. I will have more than enough Margarita and new Bible money!!

        • Gem of the Ocean

          @Peyso b/c I get money in all currencies,

          i’m with Luvvie. i sooooo e-<3 you for using onomatopoeia.

    • Princess Duvet

      @RedBeanzNRice, “singin Full Force.”

      as in the 80s group???

      you could have been his Lisa Lisa…i think thats kinda cute..

      Zowie!!!! thats cute too LOL…

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @Princess Duvet,

        i would feel differently if the zowie! zoinks! pow! happened doing the horizontal mambo….i would probably find that endearing. lol…im so effing odd.

        • charli skipper

          @shatani, for some reason, i can kinda feel what you’re saying. “zowie” during a movie=weird. “zowie” at the pivotal moment=quirky and celestial. lol.

          • Princess Duvet

            @charli skipper,

            “celestial”

            what a fyukin a word…i haven’t seen it in a good 10 years (outside of tea bags)…not e-lyin. are people having celestial se@x now??

            where can i e-sign up lol

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @Princess Duvet,

        “as in the 80s group???”

        Yep, the very same.

        Shatani, Princess D thinks it’s cute. We FOUND his match, lol. Just kidding Princess, I wouldn’t wish him on my second worst enemy – seriously.

        • Princess Duvet

          @RedBeanzNRice, tell him to meet me in the linen closet and he betta be ready wit my favorite duet by lisa lisa and nem “head to toe”..

          • RedBeanzNRice

            @Princess Duvet,

            ROFLMAO @ the linen closet – you’s a nut fa real! Your favorite ain’t “All Cried Out”? *sighs* Girl, we gotta get you some therapy, lol.

            • Princess Duvet

              @RedBeanzNRice, actually on second thought its “take you home”

              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4uI88uu67w&NR=1

              ….but

              head to toe seems more dustle ruffle appropriate.

              • RedBeanzNRice

                @Princess Duvet,

                *sighs*

                Sadly, I think “All Cried Out” would be more appropriate, lol. But since his “zowie” turned you on, you’re right – “Head to Toe” would do it..lmao. But would you really want him to sing it to you while doin the Bankheadboard Bounce?? lol

              • Princess Duvet

                @RedBeans

                “Sadly, I think “All Cried Out” would be more appropriate, lol. But since his “zowie” turned you on, you’re right – “Head to Toe” would do it..lmao. But would you really want him to sing it to you while doin the Bankheadboard Bounce?? lol”

                LOL…you killed the imagery..bankheadboard bounce is givin me a little too much Celie in the color purple and a little less me on the vera wang pillow top.

                with that said i withdraw my request for mr. Zowie to meet me in the linen closet..cause im justnotgoinbeabletodoit…and its all mental first anyway.

              • V Renee

                @Princess Duvet – Ummmmm are you Comeback??

            • Princess Duvet

              @ V Renee

              “Ummmmm are you Comeback??”

              good question. lol

              does anybody really know who they are? i actually outed my dust ruffle two weeks ago.

              • V Renee

                @Princess Duvet

                Hahahahaha. Yesterday I thought to myself, I haven’t seen Comeback around here lately. And then this right here “cause im justnotgoinbeabletodoit…and its all mental first anyway.” had Comeback all over it.

              • Princess Duvet

                V Renee@, i think shatani knew who i was on day 1. when i wanted to comeback as gentler duvet heiress.

              • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

                @Princess Duvet,

                i sho nuff did! you wasnt foolin nobody….

                except v renee! lmao

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @RedBeanzNRice, i’d very much like to be witness to somebody yelling out “Zoinks!” in a movie theater. i cannot tell a lie.

      “Zowie” would definitely be a close second. i can’t imagine that this wouldn’t make any comedic movies 10 times funnier for everybody within a 10 foot radius.

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @Panama Jackson,
        “i can’t imagine that this wouldn’t make any comedic movies 10 times funnier for everybody within a 10 foot radius.”

        Except it didn’t. *sighs*

    • The Queen

      @RedBeanzNRice, I got sidetracked towards the end of your story and started thinking what if a man yelled out Zowie or Zonkers in the middle of doing the do…I don’t think I could contain myself.

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @The Queen,
        “…if a man yelled out Zowie or Zonkers in the middle of doing the do…I don’t think I could contain myself.”

        It would have to be some EXTRA good lovin; I mean the kind that’s so good it takes a full week to uncurl your toes.

    • Luvtheshoes

      @RedBeanzNRice,

      Why does that whole story make me picture Bilal singing during the slow dance scene in House Party?

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @Luvtheshoes,

        Lmao – not Bilal.

        • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

          @RedBeanzNRice,

          he need to stop bumpin the table!

    • PrincesMo

      @RedBeanzNRice, Hey i just found this site a few weeks ago and i Luv it and i’ve been reading but never posted but i just had 2 for this.
      @RedBeanzNRice,
      yo i seriously know that guy, i’m pretty sure. he’s in a frat and he and his bros are totally crazy and they do the most random crap and i def have witnessed some of the antics that u described. It has to be the same guy! there can be 2 crzy mofos like that just running around like that lol. small world!

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @PrincesMo,

        “It has to be the same guy! there can be 2 crzy mofos like that just running around like that lol”

        Welcome and sh*t. Yeah, this is a great site – The Champ and Panama really got a good thing goin.

        But nah, I don’t think it’s the same guy cause that happened 10 years ago, lol. It’s too funny that you know somebody just like him though; and here I didn’t think that was possible, lol.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @RedBeanzNRice,

          Yeah, this is a great site – The Champ and Panama really got a good thing goin.

          awww, thanks and sh*t

          • RedBeanzNRice

            @The Champ,

            You’re welcome and sh*t.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @PrincesMo,

        welcome and sh*t

        • PrincesMo

          @The Champ,
          Thanku kindly.

    • PrincesMo

      it uploaded twice

  • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Relax, Relate, Alise

    Picture it Chapel Hill, NC 1999, summer, a perfectly coiffed thicka than snicka chick named Alise,( you may know her as Naturally Alise or Alise in Chains ) was working at the fine dining establisment known as Miami Subs. On a unicorn of a non humid vanglorious evening a fine young specimen with long flowing locs and dressed to perfection came in and spat the most intoxiccating game and acquired her number and a date for the evening all within 90 seconds.

    The lovely Alise who was a carless wonder makes arrangements (still intoxicated from game spittage) with Mr. Awesome Locs to pick her up from her home after she rides home with a coworker so she can change. So now within 120 seconds he also has her home address.

    Well to make a long story longer, Mr. Awesone Locs picks Alise up and they have a fantabulous romantic, and expensive date. Mr. Awesome Locs gets Alise (intoxicated still from the game and underage drinking of multiple Margaritas) to go back to his crib. They pull up to the house, but wait it’s not a house, it’s a trailer (NTAIWWT). The awesome haired couple enter trailer, and Alise quickly heads for the bathroom, Mr. Awesome Locs tries to get her to slow down and it screaming out something but she doesn’t hear. And then CRASH!!!!! She fell through the floor of the ragelly azz trailer. WOMP!

    • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

      @Relax, Relate, Alise,

      That’s what yo’ lil’ grown fast a$$ get.

      • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Relax, Relate, Alise

        @PBG,

        ….He still was an Ol’ 8 Mile Lookin’ Boy

        • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

          @Relax, Relate, Alise,
          N E plastic surgeons in the blog. Cuz I think my jaw dropped to the Gallery Mall and I’m on the second floor of ARA. Do Jesus

          • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Relax, Relate, Alise

            @WuDaMan,

            cole.

            u stupid.

    • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

      @Relax, Relate, Alise, That shyt was funny as hell.. I literally have tears in my eyes…..

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @Relax, Relate, Alise,

      bwahahaaha!!! i cant even think of anything to say! i think i might start to choke!!

    • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

      @Relax, Relate, Alise,

      Ok I just cackled so loud I may get evicted. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

      I believe yall have A&R on speed dial. Tell em my funegro arrangements must be sped up.

    • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

      @Relax, Relate, Alise,

      and again bwhahahahaahah. 3 drops…

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

      @Relax, Relate, Alise,
      my mate just gave me the looonng mean side eye for waking him up with my cackles and guffaws!

      BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @blackberry molasses,

        lmao!! its funny to imagine him giving you that look!

    • RedBeanzNRice

      @Relax, Relate, Alise,

      “vanglorious” – I ain’t heard that term since X-Clan, lol. It really should be used more.

      Are you kidding? You FELL through the damn bathroom of the trailer? No wonder dude had slick game, he knew damn well all he could really offer was outdoor plumbing.

      • miss t-lee

        @RedBeanzNRice,

        To the East my brother to the East…lol

        Sissies!!!!!!

        • RedBeanzNRice

          @miss t-lee,

          You was right there wit it too – lmao! Now It’s gonna be in my head all dang day – SISSSSSIEEEES!

        • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Relax, Relate, Alise

          @miss t-lee, I so appreciate that y’all got the reference, that makes my e-heart smile!

          • miss t-lee

            @Relax, Relate, Alise,
            :)
            Who could forget “vanglorious”? I still say that from time to time to see if anyone catches it…lol

    • charli skipper

      @Relax, Relate, Alise, i was not ready for that. why did i just bust out laughin? you need to put this story on a business card.

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @charli skipper,

        lmao! now thats a surefire way to not get no damn business!! thats the opposite of networking! how to lose friends and alienate people and shyt!

        • 8th Wonder

          “now thats a surefire way to not get no damn business!!”

          I jsut cackled.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Relax, Relate, Alise, LMFAO.

      that’s without a doubt one of the funniest things i’ve read in quite some time.

    • The Queen

      @Relax, Relate, Alise, LMAO I’m sure that ruined the mood. Clearly he wasn’t shy about his busted azz trailer if he brought you back there in the first place.

    • A Plus

      @Relax, Relate, Alise,
      CHAPEL HILL STAND UP!!!

      …that’s all

      • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Relax, Relate, Alise

        @A Plus,

        Woo hoo for NC!!!!, but I don’t live in Chapel Hill now, but I did for a couple years, but I am still right up the road…..

    • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Ms. Sula

      @Relax, Relate, Alise,

      That was priceless. Priceless.

      I would give anything to hear what came next.

      • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Relax, Relate, Alise

        @Ms. Sula,

        first born?

        Well, I laughed until tears as he lifted me out of the trailer crater I had created, then dude got an attitude bc I wanted him to take me home, and continued to call me for months afterward. Hosh*t never prospers.

        • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

          @Relax, Relate, Alise,

          “Hosh*t never prospers.”

          A t-shirt I can believe in.

          • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Relax, Relate, Alise

            @PBG, I haven’t gotten a tshirt nod in a minute!

    • http://www.museacdonline.etsy.com pgh muse

      @Relax, Relate, Alise,

      Wait… i just read this!!! Wooo Saaa… I have to breathe in and breathe out b4 i grab an O2 mask. That may be the hands down funniest story (u and peyso’s is a tie) today. Whooo…

  • Jeandra

    I don’t know that I would call it outlandish, but I packed up my Apt in Seattle and moved back to California all within two days unbeknownst to my semi live-in.
    He came back and found an empty apt.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Jeandra, got.damn.

      so i take you all weren’t on good terms. lol.

      • Jeandra

        @Panama Jackson,

        he exhibited some behavior i found suspect. so on the low, i applied for a promotion at my then job. i convinced them to do phone interviews with me. i got it, called my homegirl over, packed it up and moved it out. We weren’t on bad terms, but I wasn’t going to chance some Bullsh*t going down.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Jeandra,

      no note or nothin?

      • Jeandra

        @The Champ,

        i put the word on the street via a male friend of mine. “she had to leave town suddenly.”