I just got finished watching Judge Hatchett. I rarely watch these court shows but I picked the right time to watch.
So on this particular episode, a man and a woman are on trying to establish paternity of the woman’s son. So let the games begin.
Here’s what we know:
1) dude is already married.
2) he got drunk one night and began flirting with the woman. he and woman engaged in a little lickemhighlickemlow.
3) however, dude doesn’t actually REMEMBER having relations with her.
Da hell? He was that drunk that he doesn’t remember at all. Well, I guess thats possible..except ole girl said that he wasn’t even drunk or not even close to visibly drunk.
Hmm.
4) the relations…HAPPENED AT HIS FATHER-IN-LAW’S HOME. AND HIS FATHER-IN-LAW WAS THERE. AWAKE. SAW HIM COME IN WITH THE OTHER WOMAN.
Whoa whoa whoa. I’m sorry. I just don’t believe this for the life of me. This does not happen. Not in America, Jack. Somebody’s been bamboozled. Possibly even hoodwinked?
Has anybody seen Plymouth Rock?
There is no way in the living.squirrel.f*ck. that a man is going to allow his daughter’s husband to CHEAT ON HIS DAUGHTER knowingly AND in his own home.
Yeah. No.
Thing is. That’s what happened. Dude even said, “your honor, i wouldn’t believe it either if I wasn’t involved.”
And the coup de grace:
5) their son’s name is Dequarius. Or DeQuarious. Or DeKwhere-e-us.
We don’t believe you. You need more people. If I hadn’t seent this show with these people with mine own two eyes, I wouldn’t believe this. No way, no how, nuh uh.
Well, this particular show got me thinking about the good people of VSB.com. You see, nearly all of us have come with some kind of story that most of us, for lack of a better term, don’t believe. Folks got stories of women threatening to go play in traffic if I they were to break up with her them.
By the way, she ALSO pulled a knife and threatened to stab herself to which I replied, “you better call your ex with that BS. either that or one yourself. it’s time to sh*t or get off the pot, chicky.”
And by the way, it is the dude’s son.
In essence, nearly everybody on this site gets questioned about some of their stories. But you know what, a lot of these stories are true. Whether I believe you or not.
And with that said, good folks of VSB, what’s THE MOST outlandish relationship story you have? Or what’s the most outlandish thing you’ve done in regards to the opposite sechs? I’m talking the one that nobody believes no matter how often you tell it the exact same way. Some of you have shared whoppers, but others have been holding back.
Judge Jackson wants to know. VSB wants to know. Do it for the children. Do it for the people.
Do it for Dequarius. Or DeQuarious. Or Dekwhere-e-us.
Share.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P
am I first?
@eff yo couch, damn it! you beat me! why? why? i was so close! excuse me while i go swallow bleach
@postmodern pwnage,
Don’t do that. All you will get in your honor is an old azz egg sammich and a robo-call to A&R that Luvvie pre-recoded in Autotune to set up your funergro.
@PBG,
on the call it will be playing “Donk” in the background.
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
*not quite dead, but having chest pains*
@PBG, LOL
i have since calmed down. congrats eff!
@eff yo couch, smh
@eff yo couch,
hilarity!
OMG!! I’m too sleepy, plus I’m not prepared to give an acceptance speech. Oh what the hell . . .
First I want to thank God, without Him none of this is possible. The good people of VSB, thank you for the many hours of entertainment while I’m at work. If it was for everyone on VSB (and this flask in my desk) I’d probably would have went postal a long time ago. While I’m here I’d like to thank, Mom and Dad, they knew the time . . .
*pauses to wipe tear from eye*
Most importantly I want to thank the person who introduced to this wonderful site (the messed up part is I can’t remember who put me down . . .I guess that’s my crazy story for the day)
*the dj starts playing the wrap it up music*
Thanks and shyt!!!
@eff yo couch,
*standing ovation…contemplates throwing draws onstage…just bought a new pair at the walmarts*
@eff yo couch,
Please… go SAT DOWN. There’s a stool waiting for you. Think bout your life.
@eff yo couch, loves it! and no one deserves this more than you.
@eff yo couch,
Congrats homie. *salute* lol.
@Monk,
Yooo Monk. I responded with a defense of Xmas on P&A. Check it out. U and GK hurt its feelings
@Luvvie,
That shyt was hilarious, even though I don’t agree w/you making nice w/that buster-a$$, mark-a$$, trick-a$$ ninja Christmas.
@PBG,
whats p&a?
@shatani,
P&A is a blog that Luvvie writes w/Genius Khan.
He’s Powerful and she’s Awesome. It’s great!
@shatani,
oooooh! muy interesante! whats the link? i wanna go see!
@eff yo couch,
*stands up and claps* Woooo! Very nice speech!
Shatani, save yo draws girl, you paid good money for em and although the speech was good, it wasn’t pannie-worthy, lol. It’s a recession, dammit.
@eff yo couch, I’m surprised V.E.G. and Intellectual Hedonist aint ruin your party with their “am i first is not a real post”.
Hmph!
Congrats though friend, I’M happy for you!
@overit, you know I considered raining on eff’s parade but I had just gotten back from having a wonderful dinner, with great dessert and some wine so I was feeling great. But TODAY is a new day and EFF know’s that “am i first” is not a real post.
@ eff yo couch, you know you know better, you been here long enought to know!
snatches award first post award and storms off stage
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Nooooooo, not my award. Now I know how Vanessa Williams feels . . . this is some bullshyt . . .but it’s cool I won’t get upset, I’ll just kick a hole in the speaker, pull a plug, and then jet . . .
@eff yo couch,
“Now I know how Vanessa Williams feels”
LMAO. Eff… YOU STOOPID
@eff yo couch, hold on there microphone Fiend….at least you got an award even if it was unceremoniously revoked…LMAO
oh and
Now I know how Vanessa Williams feels”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
i dont really have any outlandish stories…im a pretty mild mannered chick. i will say though, i believe your story about the “i hate you, dont leave me” chick…ive seen that a lot in my line o’ work. in this age of terrible parenting, that kind of crazy is more common that most folks think!
i do have a story about the time i made so many poor choices on a first date that i couldve easily ended up on the side of a milk carton! i think back on that and shudder at the utter stupidity. *smh*
@shatani, “i dont really have any outlandish stories…im a pretty mild mannered chick.”
me too… Charles Kuralt was half crazy when he said “everybody has a story”.
lookin up toward the heavans..no errybody don’t Charles..no errybody don’t (yes don’t)..
@Princess Duvet,
thats why i just really never got the ABW stereotype…cuz generally, most of the negrettes that i know are also pretty mild mannered chicks.
@shatani”thats why i just really never got the ABW stereotype…cuz generally, most of the negrettes that i know are also pretty mild mannered chicks.”
me neither…btw..”mild mannered negrettes” is actually coming on the hallmark channel next month its a four part series. I heard its a lot crying going on…but not narry one of them gets ABW.. not one.
@Princess Duvet,
that ish is gonna get NO ratings!
@Princess Duvet,
It plays at the same time as the Bad Girls Club to counteract all that foolishness
@Luvtheshoes
Ummmmmm I have a confession. I LOVE the Bad Girls Club. I can’t get enough of it!!!!!!!
“The devil called. He wants yall to come home………..BYTCHES”
@V Renee,
I effin’ LOVE Bad Girls Club and I am not ashamed to admit it. Everybody already knows how much I love ig’nance…just look @ my e-crew: Alise & Luvvie! LMAO!!
And my crew is NIIICE!
@shatani, I think everybody has a story..things that seem normal and run of the meal to you might be totally wild and ridiculous to someone else. You never know…the stories I tell you guys aint shyt compared to the stories I could tell of my family shyt I am the boring one to them….
@Shay-d-lady, “I think everybody has a story”
i do to…i was e-lyin on Charlie..sorry shatani
@Princess Duvet,
lmao! its alright…i think everyone has a story as well…i just dont think my story is particularly interesting. it aint bestseller list material and shyt.
i’mma be right back. i have to go construct my shizz. it’s a novel. my bad to the hooked on phonicers who can’t go pass 3 paragraphs. just move on.
whoooooo.
my cousin, love her to death, is one of the most retarded females i have ever met. chick is BEAUTIFUL, mixed with spanish, chinese, black AND from the caribbean, so she got quadruple exoticbustanutness about her. but man, the shit she’s caught up in right now is just bonkers.
came to ny in 2001, located 3 guys and a girl she went to school with, started hanging out and having a good time with her homies. met her friend’s grumpy cousin, and “hung out” with him even more. it worked well, everybody chilled, they hooked up, he was from florida, chillin in ny for a bit. cool beans. she likes said grumpy guy and wanted a bit more, but he did have a young child[and a WIFE in FL]. he called her baby mamma and said they were over, but of course my cuz didn’t know they were married [and still together]. but you would think the fact that he did not give you a number and only called you blocked [in the wee hrs of the morning] was a hint. nope. she sucked it all up.
i’m not gonna lie, dudes are really smart. he never once called her his gf or anything similar to that, he always said they were “friends” and she was the only one that understood him blah blah blah. so when the “wife” umm, calls your phone and cusses you out a few times a yr, that was what you went with. “we’re just friends
”
fast foward to 2006 when grumps said he was coming to ny to look for a job and needed a place to stay. oh yeah, you guessed it. she was helping out a “friend” for a few weeks and let him move it for “2 weeks”. dem 2 weeks turned into 1 and a half AND he didn’t pay your rent AND he worked [as an accct] and was never really out a job [he has a degree!]. hmmmmm. and in this time he called you AND your mamma out her name AND said you were worth nothing, but you ain’t kick him out?? oh good god.
let’s speed it up again. in sept you tell me you’re breaking the lease and moving out, not bothering to sublet and were “positive” that company wasnt gonna sue you for the next 3 months rent. do i look i stick peanut butter in my nose? i ain’t stoopid!! i said, fine, what ever, YOUR LIFE, not mine. of course, she later confessed that she left HIM the apt cuz he wanted his daughter to move to ny [awwwwwwww] to be with him.
with the WIFE in tow. HA! so you go to YOUR apt where this NINJA is stayin with his WIFE and child and you’re pissed? i’m sorry, why? oh btw, the wife works and he’s agreed to pay the rent while he was there, yet, he’s late with rent 2 months in a row and didn’t even pay the full amount! you pay the rest AND the late fee? hello? two working adults coming up short? don’t make me blow a gasket….
the finale…
so she decides she gonna move BACK into the apt when the lease renews in dec (instead of turning it over to him). and she gets some BALLS and goes over there to tell him he needs to move out NOW (aka nov 15thish) and take his shiz with him, because he didn’t even pay the rent, so jus call it even. what does this sucka say?? “i ain’t movin one flying $#*& till dec 15th and if you try to get me out i’ll tear this place apart.”
her response? “oh ok.”
thank god i work and go to school and i’m 3 hrs away. cuz i was damn near ready to put my braids in a scarf, get my sweats on, go whoop some ass, then call the cops and a locksmith. i been in a boxing class recently, i been yearning for a good ol whoopass session.[to test mah skills an ish]
but i can’t do what someone doesn’t want to do.
@jana.love, this just made me angry. but i don’t know who i’m more angry with…your cousin or the dude. shoot, i’m about to call the police long distance. sheeeeeeit.
@jana.love,
about every third sentence i was uttering an audible “Aw hayle NAW!!!”
I’m mad at your cousin for being stuck on some ol silly stupid sh*t.
I’m extra mad at dude for being so damn triflin… but then again, she LET him be triflin. Some dudes will get away with whatever you accept from them. So I’m back to being mad at your cousin again….
Aight. I’m ALSO pissed at wifey because she KNEW she had a triflin ass husband and stayed married to him. Granted there was a child in the mix, but that’s no freaking excuse. Then again, given her “I work but I ain’t payin for sh*t and I’mma slide up in the side jawn’s bed” mess, she trife too…
ohhh… this is just tooo much! Got my pressha up…
@jana.love, well, damn.
sad to say, we all know this woman. hell, i got a cousin who was that same girl. let her dude run all up and over her. bought dude a car, put it in her name under the condition he’d “make the payments”…which he never did once he realized that if he paid it or not his name and credit would be fine. her’s? not so much.
so what does she do after her credit goes to the crapper (and it cost her a job too)…she gets this ninja an APT in her name too…lol.
hayseuss be a credit counselor and therapist.
@jana.love,
tsk tsk tsk **shaking head real slow** she’ll get good and tired one day…
all i can say is WOWSERS.
@jana.love,
this is one of the few 500 plus word comments ive ever read that was actually worth the 500 words.
damn
@The Champ,
lol, thanks champ. of course you know that is hardly the half man!!
coincidentally, the “baby mamma” and her were on the same flight and the the baby moms cursed my cousin out infront of the whole flight callin her a wh0re and a sl&t and a home wrecker and she said nothing!!
and then when they arrived at the airport, he was there to pick up his wife and child in a car, while you took a cab home…..BTW, they were still living together!! he straight up walked passed her and got their suitcases!!
i’ve stopped praying for her and have accepted her stupidity. said thing is, she may say she is “over” him, but the minute he steps back and wants to be “best friends” again, she’ll be there open arm like a dayum fool and i know it.
Oh girl! I can’t believe you did that!
That’s just some shyt we be sayin’. Nobody really means it.
I don’t have any stories that aren’t believable, because the next broad done been there and done worse. May not be ready to admit that mess, but the same chick w/the look of shock and amazement on her face is quietly reliving her own extreme ho sh*t as you recount yours.
The things we all do in an oxytocin-induced craze. *smh*
@PBG,
i sure could go for some oxycontin right na….
*wistful*
VSB folk in the MD/DC area, what y’all doing Fiday night? I am in town and yes will be on the town. what’s up?!!
@Intellectual Hedonist, “VSB folk in the MD/DC area, what y’all doing Fiday night? I am in town and yes will be on the town. what’s up?!!”
Party @ layla lounge Friday night!
@IVR, well IH, there you go…celebrate IVR’s birthday in style at Layla Lounge…
if my ENTIRE FAMILY wasn’t coming into town i’d come out and celebrate too for at least a little bit…
@Panama Jackson, “if my ENTIRE FAMILY wasn’t coming into town i’d come out and celebrate too for at least a little bit…”
It’s all good P . .. u know ill be up in Bohemian Caverns. . .holla @ ur boy!
@IVR, happy belated birthday IVR!!!
@Miss Patterson, “happy belated birthday IVR!!!” Gracias
can i just say, i cant wait for veggie and shay-d to show up!! they have the best stories EVER!
@shatani, pullin up a chair next to Shatani
@shatani, I am hesitant because I have shared what I thought where mild joints and you guys were blown away.. Ihave two very very ridiculous stories..I mean if I wasnt there I wouldnt have beleived them….one of them involves a mirror and morris day ( the man not an album or song)..LMAO no Im serious….
@Shay-d-lady,
*pulls out tray of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and big glass of milk…sits cross-legged on the carpet with teddy bear and blanky*
please, do tell!! i would love to hear about your jungle love!
@Shay-d-lady,
Morris Day? Oh yes, PLEASE do tell. Was yall doin “the bird”?
@Shay-d-lady, morris day!? you had chex with morris day? did he do that mating call thing at his pivotal moment? you didn’t sweat his perm out did you? details!
@charli skipper, naw I didnt.. umm he had s.e.x with himself and a mirror…. but I shant give any more details… but yeah this was also at the nasty a## strip club I worked at right after college…..and before michael baisden allowed him to frequent more upscale booty clubs…
@Shay-d-lady,
why is a young lady with a college degree workin at a nasty azz strip club??? shouldnt your bachelors earn you much more upscale accomodations?
@shatani I thought so.. but it didnt..
I ended up there because of problems at home so I went to live with my cousin who worked at said club….at first it was cool because I could come in when I wanted to and leave whenever….and the I m in college stick made many men but on there captain save em capes and give me big tips I mean I was making 100 dollars or more a night during the week with very little effort..but shyt I learned there is always a high price for easy money
@Shay-d-lady,
daaaaang….i could use some 100 dollar tips!
oh wait…maybe i shouldnt have stopped reading there! lmao
@Shay-d-lady, it was cool at first for real.. I mean you have to be real stern cause of all the ho.es and after the choke out I learned to tell pimps immediately and let them know off top..no for real JUST a waitress….but the longer I worked there the more that lifestyle became ..normal..and that shyt was crazy..I mean it became normal to see biatches fighting but naked, raids, people doing so much coke their jaws became LOCKED literally and could no longer moves.. the murder the over doses….it was like a ghetto hood version of what happened when alice went to wonderland..I had to get out when that started to become routine and college seemed like a dream…so off to the call centers I went
@Shay-d-lady, well I moved on to bigger and better strip clubs and then call centers….
@Shay-d-lady,
was life any different at the bigger and better strip clubs?
@Shatani, was life any different at the bigger and better strip clubs?
I mean the quality was better…I mean there were acutal doors on the stalls in the bathroom, the VIP activities are done outside of the club, higher tippers, way less likely that the lap dance involves actual penetration..but underneath its all still the same……
@Shay-d-lady,
The very thought of that lil’ freckled face negro pleasing himself w/himself in a crunchy floor-a$$ skrip club is just nauseating.
@Shay-d-lady, wait. so there’s a house full o’ strippers and this fool is in the mirror “tippin” himself? selfish bastid.
@charli skipper, nope he had chosen my cousin to assist in the festivities…..and thats it no more details..
@Shay-d-lady, eww!! to assist in the festivities!? nasty bastid!
i can’t watch the micheal baisden show no mo. although it only had those 4 episodes anyway, so.
@charli skipper,
Is it just me, or does Baisden look like an improved version of Tavis Smiley’s ole stank ass? Cause I think they could very possibly be first cousins according to looks.
-Apologies to Tavis fans, but he’s just way too stank to me since he tried to sabotage Obama.
I been giving Tavis the side eye too since then…. but ur ah I always thought of Michael as the po mans steve harvey with his tired jokes and shyt
@Shay-d-lady & RedBeanzRice
he tried to sabotage obama? wait a minute! i’ma need that story on desk in the morning. and where, by the way, have i been.
oh, also, lol @ “tavis smiley’s old stank ass.” m. baidsen kinda does look like a less stank-breathy, corny tavis. (all it took was the mere mention of him sabotaging obama for me to turn on tavis. yes, i’m fickle like that.)
@Shay-d-lady,
Maybe wit the tired jokes, but Baisden ain’t got Steve’s horse-mouf grill, which is a blessing, lol.
I actually kinda like Baisden a lil bit – true his jokes are tired, and yeah, he got Morris up there lookin like an “extra spicy” order of hot wings, but I dig his interview style. Very down to earth (except for when Sheryl Lee Ralph was on the show..ugh)
@charli
tavis was being a whiney b*tch because obama had the audacity to NOT come on his little PBS/basic cable talk show. he would come on tom joyner on tuesday mornings talkin smack about obama and then when the audience lashed out at him and called him a hater, tavis decided he wouldnt be talking about obama no mo. he stopped comin on tom joyner for a good long time, cuz really nobody wanted to hear his bullsh*t. and this was early on…like primaries time.
@charli skipper
He got ran up outta his radio morning show (Tom Joyner) when he started talkin sideways bout Obama while he was running for office. See, Tavis was a Hillary supporter, and he had no good things to say about Obama; only questionings of his integrity and intelligence and such.
He started getting hate mail, nasty on-air phone calls, and personal threats. He claims he left on his own volition, but truth be told, he basically got BOOED off the air. Story at:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/11/AR2008041103056.html
Sorry I couldn’t find the actual story that Tom Joyner told, cause he told the real reason about why Tavis “left”; (i.e. the hate mail and such) guess they removed it.
Tavis likes to think he quit, but he knows damn well he was no longer wanted (by Joyner, staff or the listeners) after his shenanigans.
@Shay-d-lady,
Tavis dug his own hole.
I didn’t get to hear it 1st hand since they no longer play TJMS here, but I kept up with the saga.
Hilarious.
*sighs* It’s times like these that I wish I wasn’t such an ordinary relationship person. The only outlandish relationship story I have isn’t really as much outlandish as it is strange.
I dated this guy Brooks for about 5 months or so. Very nice guy, but quirky. Because of his quirkiness, it took me a long time to sex him up; I just couldn’t wrap my head around his odd verbal outbursts. I mean, we’d be at the movies, and when something funny would happen, instead of laughing he’d shout “Zowie” or “Zonkers”, or anything equally as lame, which of course would make me scoot further down in my seat trying to shield myself from anyone who might possibly see me on a date with him. *sighs*
Well, since he was otherwise charming, I decided to get past his touret’s syndrome, and give him some. It wasn’t pretty.
So we’re all hugged up, gettin ready to throwdown, and right when we start gettin it on this fool starts singin to me. SINGING, like he’s his own mix tape and sh*t.
I did everything I could to fight back my laughter, I mean he sang the whole damn time.
And not no Luther, or Pendergrass either; this fool was singin Full Force. Smdh. (I used to like them an all, but it was 1998 and they’d been out of rotation for a good 10 years or more) Who does that? Needless to say, that was pretty much the beginning and the end of the sexcapades, and the relationship.
@RedBeanzNRice,
zowie? zonkers? are you sure you werent dating tv’s “the bat man,” adam west?? or that pot head shaggy from scooby do?
POW!
@shatani,
I know right? lmao. It was ridiculous as hell.
@RedBeanzNRice, you had me at “zonkers.” that’s all the outlandish you need.
oh, wait, i just got to the singing. how very ‘silence of the lambs’ of him. just be glad he didn’t cry.
@charli skipper,
“you had me at “zonkers.” that’s all the outlandish you need.”
I’m literally laughin out loud at that statement, but it’s just so sad. Kinda makes me wonder who he’s dating and/or married to now, and if she has to suffer through his lameness. Ah well, glad it ain’t me, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice,
hopefully she is equally as odd in other ways so as to compliment him perfectly!
@shatani, yes…sometimes i just stare at the young lady who is dating my ex-lame (see, i knew he was lame but thought he was nice. so that’s my excuse.) and just wonder, “girl, can’t ya do better, chile?”
on a semi-related note: he would just bust out and start scatting for no apparent reason. which would have been cool if he wasn’t lame, but he was lame. so it wasn’t cool. also, the first–and only–time we got into it, he asked–dead serious like he wanted to pull out a pencil and take notes–”so. are you THE KIND OF PERSON that likes to be _________ or ______.” i was like um…….so are you my accountant now? clap on!
@charli skipper,
hahahah…i cant knock the note-takin hustle…some folks are more visual learners! lmao!
@shatani,
She would hafta be, lol. Cause otherwise there’s no way in hell he could have a long lasting relationship if she wasn’t.
@charli skipper, I would love a chick that scream zowie, and pow and any other forms of onomatopoeia when i boinked her
@Peyso b/c I get money in all currencies,
FREAK!
*giggling like a fool*
@Peyso b/c I get money in all currencies,
The fact that you used the word “onomatopoeia” in its right form and spelled it correctly makes me want to bat my eyelashes at you. Hell, the fact that you even know what that word means gives you hella cool points
I love Black Nerds
@Luvvie,
me too…i need a t-shirt that says as much!
@shatani,
If the VSB staff doesn’t get on top of these tee-shirts and soon, ya’ll will soon see the PBG subsidiary on the intrawebs somewhere. There will be all sorts of shirts, mouse pads, mugs and tote bags w/VSB one liners on them. I will have more than enough Margarita and new Bible money!!
@Peyso b/c I get money in all currencies,
i’m with Luvvie. i sooooo e-<3 you for using onomatopoeia.
@RedBeanzNRice, “singin Full Force.”
as in the 80s group???
you could have been his Lisa Lisa…i think thats kinda cute..
Zowie!!!! thats cute too LOL…
@Princess Duvet,
i would feel differently if the zowie! zoinks! pow! happened doing the horizontal mambo….i would probably find that endearing. lol…im so effing odd.
@shatani, for some reason, i can kinda feel what you’re saying. “zowie” during a movie=weird. “zowie” at the pivotal moment=quirky and celestial. lol.
@charli skipper,
“celestial”
what a fyukin a word…i haven’t seen it in a good 10 years (outside of tea bags)…not e-lyin. are people having celestial se@x now??
where can i e-sign up lol
@Princess Duvet,
“as in the 80s group???”
Yep, the very same.
Shatani, Princess D thinks it’s cute. We FOUND his match, lol. Just kidding Princess, I wouldn’t wish him on my second worst enemy – seriously.
@RedBeanzNRice, tell him to meet me in the linen closet and he betta be ready wit my favorite duet by lisa lisa and nem “head to toe”..
@Princess Duvet,
ROFLMAO @ the linen closet – you’s a nut fa real! Your favorite ain’t “All Cried Out”? *sighs* Girl, we gotta get you some therapy, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice, actually on second thought its “take you home”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4uI88uu67w&NR=1
….but
head to toe seems more dustle ruffle appropriate.
@Princess Duvet,
*sighs*
Sadly, I think “All Cried Out” would be more appropriate, lol. But since his “zowie” turned you on, you’re right – “Head to Toe” would do it..lmao. But would you really want him to sing it to you while doin the Bankheadboard Bounce?? lol
@RedBeans
“Sadly, I think “All Cried Out” would be more appropriate, lol. But since his “zowie” turned you on, you’re right – “Head to Toe” would do it..lmao. But would you really want him to sing it to you while doin the Bankheadboard Bounce?? lol”
LOL…you killed the imagery..bankheadboard bounce is givin me a little too much Celie in the color purple and a little less me on the vera wang pillow top.
with that said i withdraw my request for mr. Zowie to meet me in the linen closet..cause im justnotgoinbeabletodoit…and its all mental first anyway.
@Princess Duvet – Ummmmm are you Comeback??
@ V Renee
“Ummmmm are you Comeback??”
good question. lol
does anybody really know who they are? i actually outed my dust ruffle two weeks ago.
@Princess Duvet
Hahahahaha. Yesterday I thought to myself, I haven’t seen Comeback around here lately. And then this right here “cause im justnotgoinbeabletodoit…and its all mental first anyway.” had Comeback all over it.
V Renee@, i think shatani knew who i was on day 1. when i wanted to comeback as gentler duvet heiress.
@Princess Duvet,
i sho nuff did! you wasnt foolin nobody….
except v renee! lmao
@RedBeanzNRice, i’d very much like to be witness to somebody yelling out “Zoinks!” in a movie theater. i cannot tell a lie.
“Zowie” would definitely be a close second. i can’t imagine that this wouldn’t make any comedic movies 10 times funnier for everybody within a 10 foot radius.
@Panama Jackson,
“i can’t imagine that this wouldn’t make any comedic movies 10 times funnier for everybody within a 10 foot radius.”
Except it didn’t. *sighs*
@RedBeanzNRice, I got sidetracked towards the end of your story and started thinking what if a man yelled out Zowie or Zonkers in the middle of doing the do…I don’t think I could contain myself.
@The Queen,
“…if a man yelled out Zowie or Zonkers in the middle of doing the do…I don’t think I could contain myself.”
It would have to be some EXTRA good lovin; I mean the kind that’s so good it takes a full week to uncurl your toes.
@RedBeanzNRice,
Why does that whole story make me picture Bilal singing during the slow dance scene in House Party?
@Luvtheshoes,
Lmao – not Bilal.
@RedBeanzNRice,
he need to stop bumpin the table!
@RedBeanzNRice, Hey i just found this site a few weeks ago and i Luv it and i’ve been reading but never posted but i just had 2 for this.
@RedBeanzNRice,
yo i seriously know that guy, i’m pretty sure. he’s in a frat and he and his bros are totally crazy and they do the most random crap and i def have witnessed some of the antics that u described. It has to be the same guy! there can be 2 crzy mofos like that just running around like that lol. small world!
@PrincesMo,
“It has to be the same guy! there can be 2 crzy mofos like that just running around like that lol”
Welcome and sh*t. Yeah, this is a great site – The Champ and Panama really got a good thing goin.
But nah, I don’t think it’s the same guy cause that happened 10 years ago, lol. It’s too funny that you know somebody just like him though; and here I didn’t think that was possible, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice,
Yeah, this is a great site – The Champ and Panama really got a good thing goin.
awww, thanks and sh*t
@The Champ,
You’re welcome and sh*t.
@PrincesMo,
welcome and sh*t
@The Champ,
Thanku kindly.
it uploaded twice
Picture it Chapel Hill, NC 1999, summer, a perfectly coiffed thicka than snicka chick named Alise,( you may know her as Naturally Alise or Alise in Chains ) was working at the fine dining establisment known as Miami Subs. On a unicorn of a non humid vanglorious evening a fine young specimen with long flowing locs and dressed to perfection came in and spat the most intoxiccating game and acquired her number and a date for the evening all within 90 seconds.
The lovely Alise who was a carless wonder makes arrangements (still intoxicated from game spittage) with Mr. Awesome Locs to pick her up from her home after she rides home with a coworker so she can change. So now within 120 seconds he also has her home address.
Well to make a long story longer, Mr. Awesone Locs picks Alise up and they have a fantabulous romantic, and expensive date. Mr. Awesome Locs gets Alise (intoxicated still from the game and underage drinking of multiple Margaritas) to go back to his crib. They pull up to the house, but wait it’s not a house, it’s a trailer (NTAIWWT). The awesome haired couple enter trailer, and Alise quickly heads for the bathroom, Mr. Awesome Locs tries to get her to slow down and it screaming out something but she doesn’t hear. And then CRASH!!!!! She fell through the floor of the ragelly azz trailer. WOMP!
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
That’s what yo’ lil’ grown fast a$$ get.
@PBG,
….He still was an Ol’ 8 Mile Lookin’ Boy
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
N E plastic surgeons in the blog. Cuz I think my jaw dropped to the Gallery Mall and I’m on the second floor of ARA. Do Jesus
@WuDaMan,
cole.
u stupid.
@Relax, Relate, Alise, That shyt was funny as hell.. I literally have tears in my eyes…..
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
bwahahaaha!!! i cant even think of anything to say! i think i might start to choke!!
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
Ok I just cackled so loud I may get evicted. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I believe yall have A&R on speed dial. Tell em my funegro arrangements must be sped up.
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
and again bwhahahahaahah. 3 drops…
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
my mate just gave me the looonng mean side eye for waking him up with my cackles and guffaws!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
@blackberry molasses,
lmao!! its funny to imagine him giving you that look!
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
“vanglorious” – I ain’t heard that term since X-Clan, lol. It really should be used more.
Are you kidding? You FELL through the damn bathroom of the trailer? No wonder dude had slick game, he knew damn well all he could really offer was outdoor plumbing.
@RedBeanzNRice,
To the East my brother to the East…lol
Sissies!!!!!!
@miss t-lee,
You was right there wit it too – lmao! Now It’s gonna be in my head all dang day – SISSSSSIEEEES!
@miss t-lee, I so appreciate that y’all got the reference, that makes my e-heart smile!
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
Who could forget “vanglorious”? I still say that from time to time to see if anyone catches it…lol
@Relax, Relate, Alise, i was not ready for that. why did i just bust out laughin? you need to put this story on a business card.
@charli skipper,
lmao! now thats a surefire way to not get no damn business!! thats the opposite of networking! how to lose friends and alienate people and shyt!
“now thats a surefire way to not get no damn business!!”
I jsut cackled.
@Relax, Relate, Alise, LMFAO.
that’s without a doubt one of the funniest things i’ve read in quite some time.
@Relax, Relate, Alise, LMAO I’m sure that ruined the mood. Clearly he wasn’t shy about his busted azz trailer if he brought you back there in the first place.
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
CHAPEL HILL STAND UP!!!
…that’s all
@A Plus,
Woo hoo for NC!!!!, but I don’t live in Chapel Hill now, but I did for a couple years, but I am still right up the road…..
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
That was priceless. Priceless.
I would give anything to hear what came next.
@Ms. Sula,
first born?
Well, I laughed until tears as he lifted me out of the trailer crater I had created, then dude got an attitude bc I wanted him to take me home, and continued to call me for months afterward. Hosh*t never prospers.
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
“Hosh*t never prospers.”
A t-shirt I can believe in.
@PBG, I haven’t gotten a tshirt nod in a minute!
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
Wait… i just read this!!! Wooo Saaa… I have to breathe in and breathe out b4 i grab an O2 mask. That may be the hands down funniest story (u and peyso’s is a tie) today. Whooo…
I don’t know that I would call it outlandish, but I packed up my Apt in Seattle and moved back to California all within two days unbeknownst to my semi live-in.
He came back and found an empty apt.
@Jeandra, got.damn.
so i take you all weren’t on good terms. lol.
@Panama Jackson,
he exhibited some behavior i found suspect. so on the low, i applied for a promotion at my then job. i convinced them to do phone interviews with me. i got it, called my homegirl over, packed it up and moved it out. We weren’t on bad terms, but I wasn’t going to chance some Bullsh*t going down.
@Jeandra,
no note or nothin?
@The Champ,
i put the word on the street via a male friend of mine. “she had to leave town suddenly.”
**pokes head in the room, reads the post, looks around…sits in the chair alllllll the way in the back of the room next to the Prayer Cubicle**
Imma be commenting on y’alls foolishness like a mug. Cause I don’t do outlandish relationship shyt.
@blackberry molasses,
somehow, i dont believe you!
@shatani,
hush up nah!
** innocently sips her chamomile tea**
@shatani,
** innocently sips her chamomile tea**
Is code for Long Island Iced Tea.
BBMo, you ain’t foolin nobody, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice,
it aint even code…we all know her chamomile is spiked with henny! aint foolin no-damn-body!
@shatani,
lmao @ her thinly veiled “tea”. I know she got a story, and I wanna hear it!
PS. The prayer cubicle can’t help you now, BBMo, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice,
I haven’t the slightest idea what either of you are talking about.
*sips Italian coffee (tea wadn’t doing it) while leaning up against Relationship Crypt door to keep bones from falling out*
@blackberry molasses,
Uh huh – I knew it! Come on girl, tell your story – we ain’t gone tell nobody. Promise.
craziest story in a nut shell.. worked as a waitress/.bartender at a nasty a$$ ho strip masquerading as a strip club. a midget blaxican pimp in a yellow and blue easter suit with matching top hat thought i “chose” him.. the resulting misunderstanding ended in me being attacked and subsequently choked out by a midget, who had at this time also donned a patchwork “fur” hooded jacket with light brown, dark brown and black patches ,(well I dont know what height makes you a midget but I am 5 ’3 and he was shorter than me…) .. and then the security gaurds almost laughed themselves to death …
@Shay-d-lady,
i think 4’11 and under is the criteria….
and i need more info. please elaborate on “chose him” and also…did he just take a running leap at you? i cant handle nutshells, shay! i need detail! lmao
@shatani,
Oh hot dayum…how did I miss this before I fell asleep last night??
Ya’ll mean to tell me and half my genetic compadres are technically midgets???
Jesus be an injection of the human growth hormone.
@shatani, omg, a running start? rotflmao i had to come out of lurking just for that.
@shay,
lmao!!! im always happy to drag a lurker out into the open to play with us!
@Shay-d-lady,
COLE.
you stupid.
(that was friggin hillarious)
@Shay-d-lady,
I really couldn’t read past the “I got choked out by a midget” sentence for a good lil’ while there. Seriously, I had to just roll over on one side and rock in my laughter. Me and hilarity had a moment, thanks to you and lil’ Patchwork Pimpin’.
@Shay-d-lady,
so you gave him the ho* signal that you wanted to be in his stable… mo details are definitely needed here
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
@Shay-d-lady, to answer all questions below.. He might not have been a full midget because he might have been like 5’2 but imagine a midget version of el debarge..porn stache and all….but with a box fade s-curl(it might have just been extra greasy) now to be true this club was a ho strip…all the strippers were like for real prostitutes..and apparently some of the waitresses didnt mind giving VIPS as well..apparently a lot of waitresses were strippers that could no longer afford pay out..the way it works is as such there were no paid wages.. (nobody got paid including me) strictly tips but the dancers had to pay the club 75.00 per night and 125 on weekends while waitresses didnt pay shit but they didnt get paid an hourly wage and it was tips only ..no food, no real alcohol it was BYOB,beer and coolers with a 2 drink minimum….I found all this out AFTER the choke out..apparently by just looking at his a$$ and being cordial i “chose” him….so when it was time to go….he walked up and was like…yeah you look like the kind of biatch that can cum by just closing her eyes… I was like WTF? who the f!@ck you ta..thats as far as I got for that ninja grabbed snatched my arm.. I was caught off gaurd…tried to jerk my arm back…I cant really remember but I know I slapped his a$$ and he choked the shyt out of me……security was laughing and shyt..I had to reach down and grab the shyt out of his nuts to get him to let me go…..
@Shay-d-lady,
.the way it works is as such there were no paid wages.. (nobody got paid including me) strictly tips but the dancers had to pay the club 75.00 per night and 125 on weekends while waitresses didnt pay shit but they didnt get paid an hourly wage and it was tips only ..no food, no real alcohol it was BYOB,beer and coolers with a 2 drink minimum
was this place in america? you weren’t in indonesia or some sh*t, were you?
@Shay-d-lady,
I think it’s 4’9″, cause my gramma used to always say if she was just 2 inches shorter she would qualify. But it may have changed over the years, lol.
I really hate to laugh, cause you got choked out, and that’s never cool. But damn, by a MIDGET? ROFLMAOOOOO
I mean damn, you couldn’t just grab his lil baby legs and fling him offa you? *no offense to midgets around the world, I think you’re lovable* : )
@RedBeanzNRice, please dont be fooled them llittle ninjas strong as he.ll…..I thought that too but I learned a lesson that day… notice I have never chimed in on the whole fear of midget convo…shyt yall right to be scared….
@Shay-d-lady,
well, damn, i wasnt scared before but now….
@Shay-d-lady,
Still ROFLMAO! Thank you so much for the warning, cause their size is DEFINITELY deceiving.
But I swear fo gawd, if a midget ever got hyphey wit me and I couldn’t handle his lil ass – I’d track him down and bring another midget wit me to whoop the stank offa him while I watched from the sidelines. Fool me once…lol.
@RedBeanzNRice, LOL..i aint f!@ckin with no more midgets…you know how they say if you have a lessened or loss of 1 sense you are over compensated in another.. midgets must have super strength because of the hieght thing…. I learned not to f!@ck with a midget and to not carry on random conversation with ninjas dressed as dayum fools… he fooled me he was new to it so he hadnt perfected his rhyming game….so all the compliments about being a “good one” and me setting the world on fi! was not a wierdly out of place pep talk but ho recruitment……..
@Shay-d-lady,
well, damn he woulda fooled me too! i will make sure to have folks be REAL explicit! lol
but even then…im mad he went right for the choke out! like, sweet talk a b*tch for a little while before you start tryin to smack her around…its just common courtesy!
@shatani, girl I probably would have got some sweet talk if Ihadnt shot off when he came at me unexpectedly with that shyt..he was probably thinking I was a renegade a h.o, trying to test him cause he was short…LMAO to his credit he did try to grab me first and then I hit him ….see I was new at this time so I knew all the strippers had representation but I hadnt yet learned that the majority of waitresses were h.os too…so I figured even if he was a pimp he should have known I wasnt going, ccause i was a waitress,,,assumptions.. they make an a$$ out of you and me…
@Shay-d-lady,
“midgets must have super strength because of the hieght thing…. I learned not to f!@ck with a midget and to not carry on random conversation with ninjas dressed as dayum fools”
See? I can’t even deal wit you no more, LMAOOO. You literally made me spit my drink wit that madness right there!
@Shay-d-lady, now that’s a story…ROFLMAO
@Shay-d-lady,
LMAO @ this story. I need to go to bed. Yall are tryna kill me unsoftly, and I shant have it.
@Shay-d-lady,
“worked as a waitress/.bartender at a nasty a$$ ho strip masquerading as a strip club”
i eluv you shay d yes i do
but…
is there any place you haven’t worked…i mean you done seen it all from Home Depot to the US Treasury Department…Jesus be some kind of employment data up in here.
Lord today!!!
@Princess Duvet, LMAO I didnt work at a treasury but I have worked a LOT …I mean a LOT of jobs..I work a different retail job every holiday and summer season for extra cash(this is the first year I havent), so I have worked at macys, target, home depot, walgreens, lerner NY/NY and Co and Express but these were all second jobs high school and right after I did MCI, college summers I worked at pizza hut customer care the first summer, Nike as a temp the second. Shyt the list could go on once I got to the call center circuit..i started that after I saved up my nasty a$$ strip club money to buy a car…
@Shay-d-lady, Oh I forgot I also worked at Marshalls and TJ MAXX…LOL alsoI have been known to have a bit of a attendance problem too so if we include the list of jobs I worked at for 2 months or less it could get ridiculous…these are jobs i at least made it out the probationary period for.. but i was a good job quitting, getting fired mofo for a minute.. my current wisdom and responsibility was HARD fought and earned…people that new me before my child can hardly believe it….except for my family.. I have always been the sane one when compared to them
@Shay-d-lady & Alise…
well…i gotta give yall a dust ruffle seal of approval. I started my first job when i was 14…a little ditty by biggie comes to mine.
i’ll spare yall the opening obscenities LOL..”..everything you get you gotta work (hard) for it. i just aint workin hard for it no mo LOL.
@Princess Duvet,
ive had tons of jobs too…and im not one for working hard.
@Princess Duvet, i’ll spare yall the opening obscenities LOL..”..everything you get you gotta work (hard) for it. i just aint workin hard for it no mo LOL.
Girl I still work hard.its just mental now….
@Shay-d-lady, “Girl I still work hard.its just mental now….”
i sike myself out errymorning…with starbucks..2 or three shots of espresso makes me think I actually love some of the mental torture.
@Princess Duvet,
Girl, I too have had many jobs in my life, including in a strip club, Bojangles, McDonald’s, Miami Subs, Sephora, Hudson Belk, CVS, Little Ceasar’s, movie theater, Food Lion, Express, & Breugger’s Bagels. I have steady full time jobs, likemy current job 4 1/2 years, but I change part time jobs when I needed them through high school and college like my shoes….
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
oooooh, i wanna work at sephora!
@shatani,
Girl, I can add another job for ya: singing telegram. That’s right. For a small fee I would come to your birthday/anniversary/embarass the hell outta yo co-worker whatever in a costume and do a little song. Dressed as a pink elephant or chicken or some other ridiculous costume. My favorite was the Grim Reaper, when I would show up and point a nasty finger and announce, “We are here to mourn the passing…..of your youth!”
I shudder. But it was fun.
Seriously, though – I see why we get reputations as working wonders and sh*t. I’ve been working since 12 (babysitting and such) and have not gone more than a month since I was 16 without some form of employment. We don’t play on the j.o.b.
@Lil’T,
that is hilarious!! can i bring you outta retirement for my birfday?!?! lmao
@Lil’T,
“Girl, I can add another job for ya: singing telegram”
This is seriously too cute for cuteness..but can you sing tho??
@Lil’T, This is seriously too cute for cuteness..but can you sing tho??
Girl..thats the question cause I had a singing telegram by a non signing fake a$$ luffa in college….I think he was also a crack head….almost got us put out of O charlie’s..(yall know that was an upscale date in college..would have went to Red lobster but the wait was too long…)
@shatani, me too and they don’t even gotta pay me..I just wanna moisturmitize and foundationalize people all day.
@Princess Duvet,
well i wont go that far…mofos need to pay me! i got bills, son!
@Shay-d-lady, first of all i am so sorry that you got attacked by a midget pimp. but i want you to know that it’s 645am here on the west coast and i have had neither coffee nor breakfast and this story just woke me the h3ll up. i have never laughed this hard this early in the morning. you made me laugh so hard that i literally snorted and cried at the same time. you made me cry shay. why? why?
@Miss Patterson,
first of all i am so sorry that you got attacked by a midget pimp
lol…i bet you you’re the only person in the history of the world to utter that sentence
@Shay-d-lady, I would just like to say you are a brave woman. I don’t know that I would ever admit to being choked out by a midget. lmao Way to be honest!
@The Queen, girl I aint got time to be embarrassed about it.. he.ll it wasnt the first or the last time my mouth has made someone want to choke me..LMAO…
@Shay-d-lady, and hilarity ensued.
your life needs a screenwriter.
@Panama Jackson, i gotta cosign with a special dust ruffle…Shay-d needs to be pitchin pilots to major networks.
i MUST see this tv.
@Princess Duvet,
like how shay has become the VSB cautionary tale! lmao!
@Princess Duvet, no tv pilots I have a lot of short stories and I am working on a novel but my writing is totally different from my life. I tend to write about “normal” shyt but I have been thinking of a broke diaries style autobiography….but my life as a mother/wife aint nearly as interesting day to day.. but I aint complainin
@Panama Jackson, LOL naw.. I mean if you think about the basics of the story..dude gasses him self up mistaking kindness for something else, comes at girl wrong, altercation occurs this is a classic club scenario…..you know aside from the fact dude was dayum near a midget and a pimp…..
My story would have to be with the 25-year-old whom I had relations with when I was 18 years-old. Freshman year in college DONE. Although my freshman year was “cool”…nothing to complain about, it was when I went home for the summer that I met the woman who really changed the game for me. And by “changed the game”, i mean, “turned me out”.
We hooked up at times when I was in town…but lost touch.
Damn P, you got me reminiscing and shty…
@Monk,
“And by “changed the game”, i mean, “turned me out”.”
I gotta poke and prod here. (nosiness has taken over) What exactly do you mean by “turned you out”? Details.
true story: once upon a time, a young woman met a man. they hit it off, and eventually a year or so later he proposed. the woman had a younger brother who was about 10 years old, who sometimes came to visit her and her new fiance. less than a week before the nuptials she confessed to her fiance that the young boy was in fact her son and not her “little brother”. she also confessed that she had a 6 year old son (0ut of wedlock) who had been legally adopted by her aunt & uncle and had no idea that he was her mother. they still got married, and the guy even adopted her 10 year old son. but it turns out her husband had a secret too. he was a raging alcoholic, molesting, drug user with anger management problems. as a result, both were physically beaten for years and the couple eventually divorced. to this day, the woman’s younger son thinks his birth mother is just his cousin. fo’ real.
@Miss Patterson,
how sad….
@Miss Patterson, dayum…..thats some real VC andrews type shyt
@Shay-d-lady,
oh my damn! i used to read VC Andrews like it was my JOB back in highschool!!! flowers in the attic changed my life! and not for the better! lmao
@shatani, Oh hellz yes…I used to love some VC Andrews books, and this story sounds like it can’t be real…daaang.
@shatani,
I just gave my copy away to Goodwill on wednesday! Flowers in the Attic depressed the ish outta me, but I still read the whole damn series. It was like I couldnt stop.
@Dom,
yes, it was like a trainwreck!
@Shay-d-lady,
I was also a VC fan.
@Shay-d-lady,
Sheeeet…I think I totally demented my perception of a healthy relationship by reading Petals on the Wind one too many times.
@Miss Patterson,
Just how much water do you run into the tub before you start tossing blankies in it to drag over here? I mean, not too much, right? Gotta save the earth n’ shyt.
Dang…this joint sounds like a LMN movie waiting to happen.
Somebody cast this joint, quick! All black actors though…go in on it, VSB!
@PBG, i know right. that’s the saddest story i’ve read in a minute. not sure what LMN stands for, but if the L stands for Lifetime, i’m in agreeance.
@Panama Jackson,
Lifetime Movie Network.
@Miss Patterson,
Aw wow. That’s tragedy on so many levels. The beatings make you wanna stab him with a machete repeatedly, but let him keep living so you can keep stabbing him. And, grown ass men who molest children should be castrated, and have their hands cut off as well, so as not to do any more damage to the babies. I HATE those types with all my being. Such a sad story.
@Miss Patterson, oh my goodness.
@Miss Patterson,
To call this whole post a wet blanket is like saying Gary Coleman is a little overshort (or slightly broke, or severely undermoisturized).
This story is sad @ me!
@Luvvie,
Yo azz betta have a job for me somewhere. undermoisturized?!? CTFU!!!!
@Miss Patterson,
were these people from the burgh?
@The Champ, no but they were from Western PA.
@Miss Patterson,
it had to have been Butler!
Sadly enough I saw that episode as well.
@Ange, you know the worst part of that episode was when they started reading the letter from DeQuearious (sp? no really…how the f*ck do you spell that) and the mom was in tears.
that letter wasn’t that good. save your tears. ninjas always wanna cry when the kids start talkin…
@Panama Jackson, I think the worst part of the episode was when the father said he found out about his son by hearing about a “big headed yellow baby next door”.
@KindredSmile
“I think the worst part of the episode was when the father said he found out about his son by hearing about a “big headed yellow baby next door”
I am over here crying laughing at this.
@KindredSmile, i stand corrected. you’re absolutely right. that was the worst part.
*enters aforementioned prayer cubicle in the back so very happy the good Lord knew that students still writing papers at 4:34am need more than facebook to keep their inner procrastinator awake and provided entertainment such as this*
“Thank you for this and the fact that I have nothing that comes close to comparing to share… Amen”
@Jay_Delicious,
Awww…and the Prayer Cubicle thanks you for dropping by. How sweet!
I have more embarrassing stories than I do outlandish.
Like the time, I decided to head into the city early to try and get some work done. Long story short I was followed for 4 blocks by some nut with a fire engine red fur coat and hat.My crazy ass was calling everybody but the 5-0.
Or the time a good ole ride on the market-frankford turned into hell cause some guy with no pants decided to sit next to me.and proceed to tell me how I was his “type”.like,is this ish legal,are you for real????
@Rita,
lmao! that is hilarious! dude in no pants sits and talks to you like that shyt is normal??? good times…you sound like my best friend in highschool, that girl was a certified crazy magnet! she couldnt ride public transport or walk down the street without some nutjob gettin straight loony on her azz. lmao!
@Rita,
Wait I think I have seen red fur man in Suburban station or someone like him. Dude was a tall Latin guy w/ red trench coat red jeans red cowboy hat red boots red phillies shirt. Creapy. & I am so sad and sorry for you on the MFL.
@WuDaMan,
well this was a black guy.but maybe they double team.
@Rita,
welcome and sh*t
@Rita,
I can feel you as far as craziness on the Market/Frankford Line. Then again, I’ve had crazy ish happen to/around me on the Broad Street Line as well. (like the woman who used to ride the train yelling “YOUR’E ON YOUR WAY TO HELL!” at everyone on the train) That’s why I just bite the bullet on Center City parking. Fo’ rilla….
I’ve already shared my story in the past, but I’ll re-visit.
The dude who offered me five hundy to beat his azz.
Talking ’bout he had already bought me some steel toe boots in my size for the job.
Hell, I wouldn’t have believed it, if it wouldn’t have happened to me.
@miss t-lee,
i dont find that hard to believe at all! sometimes i wonder if i have “i need to be serviced by old outta shape white men” tattoo’d across my forehead (in very small print!) because the number of times ive been asked to consider taking one on as a sex slave is kinda ridiculous.
then theres the ones that wish for me to “use them as a toilet” and whatnot.
so, yeah…i have no problem believing that story miss T. lmao
@shatani,
I’m mad at both of y’all. Put them dam boots on and kick that bamma in the fo’head! Shoot, Ima need a cut from your profits for making this so easy for you…
@Lil’T,
My brother was mad at me too.
Talkin’ about we could set him up and he coulda beat his azz and we could have split the five hundy…lmao
I told him…let’s just leave well enough alone.
@miss t-lee,
dont think i didnt seriously consider it….ya’ll know a sista is always lookin for a side gig! lmao
@miss t-lee,
You didn’t take the job?!! Girl, them boots woulda been on, laced up and ready to stomp before he could even finish the sentence. $500?? Shew.
@RedBeanzNRice,
Nah…I was more concerned about being chopped up and stored in someone’s deep freezer.
All money ain’t good money…lol
@miss t-lee,
“I was more concerned about being chopped up and stored in someone’s deep freezer.”
Yeah, I kinda forgot about the freezer part, lol.
“then theres the ones that wish for me to “use them as a toilet” and whatnot.”
@ shatani
No ma’am.
@shatani
“then theres the ones that wish for me to “use them as a toilet” and whatnot. ”
Let me find out you’ve been talking to R. Kelly.
@shatani, see errybody has a story… I have never encountered this such request…..
@miss t-lee,
this reminds me of my first time in SF. I was offered $30 by a random guy (as I crossed the street) to let him suck on my feet. $30 isn’t $500, but to a broke college student, it’s a lot.
all I could think was, lord, what crime against humanity have I committed to deserve this?
oh, and NO I didn’t take him up on his offer.
“ain’t no love in the heart of the city”… lol. random, but it comes to mind whenever I think about this incident.
@Trudy Lonette,
See…you can relate…lol
Makes you wonder what kinda vibes are we giving off that random kats think they can proposition us for favors? lol
I would like to start by saying that what I am about to recount is NOT my story. But is by far the most outlandish story I have witnessed, so in this case I am one of the people.
There was a fair maiden that was living with a fine gentleman and things were going well with this couple till one day the fair maiden had really had enough and felt she needed to move on. Well she tried to tell the gentleman that things had changed and she needed a change but he wasnt trying to hear it.
Well one fine morning the maiden went to work (really went to a friend’s house) and waited till her gentleman went to work. She then came back to the house and immediately started packing up. Within a few hours she had movers, yes movers there and they packed up her stuff and took all the furniture.
They emptied out the entire apartment. By entire I mean the fair maiden left the toilet paper and his clothes in a pile on the bedroom floor and his toiletries in the bathroom.
The fine gentleman came home after work and thought he had been robbed and called around to find his fair maiden and to his dismay was not able to get a hold of her (her friends would not tell him where she had gone).
When the realition hit him that she had left him he called the apartment I was at and through tears cried out, “she even took the 10lb bag of rice my mother bought”
fast forward some years and they are now married
The End
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Waaaaaaaaooooooowwwww.
This sh*t right here? Cold.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
LMAO!!! daaaaamn! thats some vindictive ish….she took mama rice too?!? cold blooded.
*dead*
@Intellectual Hedonist, that’s just wrong. and then they said “i do”???
@Intellectual Hedonist, I am LMAO at the 10lb bag of rice. That was just cold blooded.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
“fast forward some years and they are now married”
whaaaaaaaa? he married EVEN AFTER she took the rice his momma bought him?? man, he’s soft.
i aint marryin’ NOBODY that steals my mommas rice.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
10lbs of rice? Wow…
They must love some rice. They probably have stacks of it in their happy home right now. She cooks it everyday for him now, out of sheer guilt.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Wait until Luvvie hears about this rice thievery, she might cry.
O.M.frikkin.G. not the mama-bought 10lb bag of rice!!!
*crawling into iron lung*
just… need… to… breathe…
@Intellectual Hedonist,
NOT the rice!!! She coulda left the rice outta this whole ugly sitch.
And they now married?? I just… cant. lol
@Intellectual Hedonist,
were these puerto ricans?
@The Champ,
“were these puerto ricans?”
*DEAD*
*cue intro music*
On a Very Special episode of “Dumb Chick Why Aren’t You Dead Yet”…
4 coeds are out at a club in Cleveland. The club closes hella early, and some not-so-young men that these silly heffas were dancing with invite the ladies to the hottest after-hours spot in town. The ladies agree to follow the men to this spot. Rather than ride together, they decide it would be more “fun” to have 2 guys and 2 gals in each car, so they split up.
40 minutes later, the caravan of “geniuses” winds through a residential area and stops in front of a house. A. Dark. House. After some hefty consideration in the driveway between the ladies, they decide to go inside. The dark house.
*cue dramatic organ music*
Will these overachieving nincompoops survive the night? Stay tuned to the next Very Special episode of “Dumb Chick Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?”
As it turns out, the reality was almost scarier than the we originally thought. Four grown azz men were seriously trying to create a “club” at somebody’s mamma’s house. There was a pool table and “bar” (kitchen counter” on one floor, but the main attraction was in the basement. Big ole 1985 speakers and a fog machine. In case you’re wondering what happens when you put a fog machine in somebody’s rec room, it’s an overwhelming cloud of chemical. With multi-colored flashing lights and loud bass. So we were basically eight people in a rec room dancing in a cloud.
Fortunately, they were willing to let us in for free that night.
@Lil’T,
I’m glad you made it out safely…lol
Awww…youth.
@Lil’T,
brilliant!! now this i can add to!
On next episode of “Dumb Chick Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?”
a sweet and educated damsel was just coming down off of a break-up with her boyfriend of 6 months….she is feeling sad, but is back on the horse and ready to meet someone new. and oh, how she does!
she meets a kindly gentleman on the interwebs (its a series of tubes, you know!) and he wants to take her out for dinner, but sad…she’s already eaten! never fear, he says, lets go out for dessert! and a date is born…
the damsel gets all fancy for the occasion, being sure not to tell her three male roommates or ANY of her friends where she’s going. so, the young lad comes to pick her up, but shes smart so she doesnt say which apartment she’s in…just the outside number. she’s a-thinkin!
they head off to the lovely and classy establishment Perkins for some cheesecake and small (read: dirty) talk. it shouldve ended here, but in a fit of poor decision making the damsel agrees when the man says “hey, do you want to see my penthouse?” and off they go to his penthouse, but on the way the lovely couple gets dragged into the apartment of the flamboyantly gay 1st floor neighbor man who plies the couple with alcohol and regales them with tales of his debaucherous youth….scotch on the rocks for everyone! since this drink actually tastes like licking the grout around the base of a toilet, the damsel is clearly sober…her manfriend? not so much….so off they go, the good gentleman stumbling and apologizing as the damsel tries to keep him steady. they make their way to the elevator and go up to the PH floor….
****stay tuned for the epic conclusion to this episode…there will be twists and turns and surprises and whatnot! but a sista gotta get ready for work****
@shatani,
Come up off that conclusion, Tani. I’m staying tuned and whatnot.
@shatani
**Patiently waiting**
@shatani,
and now for the exciting conclusion to “Dumb Chick Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?”
when we last left our protagonist, she was helping a drunkard into an elevator….for some reason, this didnt seem so bad. maybe he would drink some coffee or run some laps or somehow find away to work it off. they get to the top floor and Drinky Drunkerton says to the damsel….wait! lemme show you something cool! so together they stand in the middle of the hallway, about 15 feet from his door as he pulls something small, plastic and black out of his pocket. he points it at the door, presses a button and *gasp* the door unlocks!
at this point the damsel gets a twinge of uneasiness, which she quickly dismisses because, lets face it, that was pretty damn cool! so, in they go and she is decidedly underwhelmed. its a giant penthouse apartment, but it in no way looks as though a grown man lives there…she scans the room and sees a blow up doll on a table in the far corner and not one, but EVERY carnation of girls gone wild (i believe there were 9 at the time) on dvd! he must see the mingled disgust and disappointment on his face and assures her that he and his buddies had had a bacherlor party there the night before and he hadnt had a chance to clean up….she’s not buying it though. those were GGW dvd’s, not rentals! she lets it slide though…
so, the good gentleman takes off his totally awesome leather jacket and *gasp* he is wearing a holster! thats right folks…the drunkard has a handgun in a shoulder holster. the damsel’s twinge turns into a a cramp of uneasiness! all she can muster is “um…why?” and a point towards the gun. shes so articulate!
he takes off the holster as he is explaining to her that he’s a marine and thus is allowed to carry a concealed weapon….the damsel knows marines. and now she’s terrified! cuz marines are crazy as hell! (well, in her experience anyway) so, he takes the clip out of said weapon and asks her if she’d like to hold it. to which she answers, sure….so he hands it over and then shows her how to engage the laser sight.
so, the damsel is now jolted into reality…in her mind are thoughts such as…im in an apartment with a sniper. a drunk sniper. im not from round here, i dont even know where the shyt i am. how the balls am i gonna get home? (this was before the days when the damsel carried a cell phone) can i even get out without the door remote? awww hell, imma die here tonight!
the drunken sniper is pouring drinks at this point…just water. he apologizes for being drunk and says he just needs let it wear off and then he’ll take her home. she smiles and nods….if theres one thing shes learned in her psychology classes, its dont upset the crazies! he offers that they watch a movie and she agrees….she sits on the sofa and he puts some nonsense in, whilst bragging about how big his tv is and how the damsel has probably never seen one this big! cue smile and nod.
so, the gentleman joins her on the couch and puts an arm around her shoulders….as the movie starts he begins his clumsy drunken descent to second base. she’s uncomfortable but still alive…she figures if getting groped is the worst she has to put up with, she can handle that! and then about 20 minutes later, she hears the snoring. thats right….the drunkard, wrist deep in her bra, falls asleep!! she sits and watches the movie til the end cuz, hey, shes never seen this one before!
after its over, she pries his hand off of her goodies and goes to do some recon work. she looks out the window…no familiar surroundings. she looks for a phone…cant find one ANYWHERE. she tries to open the door….cant. so, she hides the clip for the gun in the fridge (in the veggie crisper) and figures, she’s probably here for the night. since he’s sprawled all over the couch, she decides she will sleep on his bed. on, not in. she’s on the bed…on top of all blankets still wearing her coats and shoes. and she lies there thinking about the dumbfvckery that has led her to this point and hoping Drinky Drunkerton doesnt wake up in the mood for rape.
she lies awake rocking and praying until daybreak…he wakes up and comes to find her in the room. the gentleman would like to spoon. the damsel would prefer not, but would also like to make it home so she complies. he begins to talk to her, apologizing for the drunkenness, for the falling asleep, for the state of the union, etc. he offers to take her home OR she can hang out for a while…
shes at the door and ready before he can finish his sentence. he drops her off at home. she no longer takes his calls.
.
.
.
ah, to be young, stupid and lucky!
@shatani,
“…can i even get out without the door remote?”
This one line right here had me sprawled out on the floor, unconscious from catching The Asthmas from laughing so gotdayum hard!
If it wasn’t for this dayum Baby Genius over here getting out of his crib when he heard the loud thump of me hitting the cold, cold floor and bringing the smelling salts for me, I’d still be lying there.
@shatani,
Oh. My. Dayum.
Yeeeeeeeaahhh… this definitely earns the “This Damsel Should Be Dead But She’s LUCKY Award.”
@shatani,
You are dam* lucky to be alive right about now. This story is insanity!
@shatani, “she hides the clip for the gun in the fridge (in the veggie crisper)” <— How appropriate!
@Lil’T, and T you need a tv show too. LOL
@Lil’T,
This sounds like the opening scenes to a horror movie. I’m so glad you and your friends made it out alive and w/all your fingers and toes.
@ ERRBODY…
I’m mad at all ya’ll and everything i have read up to this point. All this gut busting laughing I’m doing is definitely telling people i am not working on this here proposal due EOD.
SHAME! *points finger dramatically at every last one of you and exits*
@PBG,
kidneys and lungs too…. just thought i’d add that. =]
“Dumb Chick Why Aren’t You Dead Yet”
best show title. ever.
but can i just say i’m mad yall had the nerve to stay and “dance” with these fools!! hilarious!!
@Lil’T,
Lol… back in the day me and my drunk silly a$$ girlfriends woulda been right there with ya’ll in that hole in the wall spot.
Now I don’t have any stories of midget pimps strong-arming women, but I still find the following story(ies) rather humorous. Now please remember I was a young 16 year old at the time and didn’t know any better.
So back in high school, a young V Renee and her crew used to wreck havoc on the mean streets of the Nati. Now we didn’t go around jacking people for cars, or taking baseball bats to peoples knees for not having our lunch money. Instead, after school would let out we would pile in my car, go pick my sister up from her school, stop by the local WalGreens grab whatever toilet tissue was on sale and a gallon of water. Back in the car, we would each have a paper cup, which we filled with water. We would then take handfuls of toilet paper, dip it in the water. As we drove around the city, we would take the wet toilet paper and throw it on the windows of passing cars. The best time to do so was if you were at a stop light, and right before the car next to us would pull, we would aim and fire. Most of the time, people were unsuspecting of our antics, unless there was a kid in the backseat, who saw what was going on. At that time, it was time to put the pedal to the metal.
Well one afternoon, we ran out of toilet paper and were about to call it a day, when we saw a local thug driving in his drop top Datsun (it wasn’t really a Datsun, but it was definitely old school). Someone in the car got the bright idea to fill the inner tube of the toilet tissue with ice. As we drove by, the tube of ice was launched in his car and we peeled off. As we laughed hysterically, I looked in the rear view mirror and see that the local thug is giving chase. I did what any “normal” person would do, kicked the car into 5th gear and tried to pull off. But no, this thug had to be persistent. I was involved in a real high-speed chase. We were hitting corners at 60 miles an hour, dipping in and out of traffic, hitting back streets. I made the mistake of turning down a street that was a no outlet and led to some type of office building. Having no other choice we pulled into one of the spots. Well at this point, the local thug, who we will call AL, blocked the entrance to the parking so we couldn’t leave. At this point we were not laughing anymore. We did what any sane person would do, ducked down in our seats and covered ourselves with our coats. Al came up to the car and started tapping on the windows. We stayed “hid” under our jackets. After knocking on each window for a few minutes, we heard silence and thought Al had left. That was not the case. Al was in the business calling the police on us. So my friend whose step daddy was a police officer, got the bright idea for us to call the police and tell them that we had been chased and were blocked in. To make this long story short (plus these mofos keep coming around), the police came, told us all to stop acting a d@mn fool and let us leave one at a time.
OH yeah there was that one time that threw pennies at the thugs on the corner up the street from our school school. We came back by one day, and they had eggs for our azz. We couldn’t let them get over on us, so we went to the store got eggs AND hot dogs to throw at them. We also accidently hit a bystander standing at the bus stop who was also a classmate. She hated us from that point on (can’t blame her). The eggs that they had must have been WIC eggs because it would not wash off my car, no matter how hard I tried. One of the girls I was friends with ended up having a baby by one of the thugs. He died.
@V Renee,
Dang, girl – You was a real hellraizzer!
@Lil’T, I am dying at the thought of 4 big azz teenages thinking hiding under a coat would actual hide them.
@Suga&Spice,
Yes, that is the funniest part of the story to me!!
@V Renee, I used to cut school to go egging the public school kids. We egged a woman with a baby carriage (SHE DIDNT HAVE ANY KIDS WITH HER!!!!). We got pulled over by undercover cops. They made us stand there and smash eggs on each others heads. I think we got off lightly…..
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple
“They made us stand there and smash eggs on each others heads. ”
I would have loved to have seen this.
“Peyso”nic Temple, tho?? lmao
@V Renee,
“The eggs that they had must have been WIC eggs because it would not wash off my car, no matter how hard I tried”
lmao. you’re sick.
@V Renee,
“We did what any sane person would do, ducked down in our seats and covered ourselves with our coats. ”
The story was funny as hell, but that line right there had me belly laughin. Good lawd yall was some hellyuns.
@V Renee,
this story has many gems, including the fact that i can soooo picture all of this happening in cincinnati, which has to be the only major city north of the mason-dixon line that has a couple neighborhoods filled with tin shantys
My stories suck…
I could always do my “oh, shyt there I was…” military stories but most of ya’ll in here wouldn’t find them amusing really.
@CPt Callamity,
Let us be the judge of that…lol
Spill…
@miss t-lee,
i agree oh, captain, my captain!
@miss t-lee,
No really. I have the most uneventful opposite sex stories ever to be told. It’d be like watching a Seth Rogen film with black people but none of the jokes are funny.
@CPt Callamity,
LOL!!!!
Okay…I guess we’ll grant you a pass, this time…:)
@miss t-lee,
Good…but if you want me to take my bland stories and make them sound interesting, buy me a 6 pack of beer. Oh, you’ll surely be in for a treat then.
@CPt Callamity,
I’m sure…lol
The most outlandish story that I know of happened to a good friend of mine. She joined the army when she was 20, fell in love with a guy in the military and they got marrried 2 years later. He was very well-liked by her family and friends, very responsible, polite, etc. They served in Korea for a year and she ended her 4-year service and flew back on 9/11. Her husband came back 2 months later. Things changed because of 9/11 and the economy was a mess, so in order to save money, my friend decided it would be best for the two of them and their daughter to move in with her parents. They lived there for about 9 months and while living under her parents roof, the husband cheated on her with 2 women who he brought to her parents’ house. The reason that she found out is because her cousin was one of the women and confessed later on. Her husband admitted the truth and they got divorced….
@Leila,
This kat had huevos, for real.
I got a story, it aint quite a relationship story but it is the one and only time I have ever hit a woman.
It was a hot summer day in the projects. I was about 13 yrs old. I was chillin on the block with my homies and this really really obscenely large girl was hanging out with us. Her name was Lauren but I knew her for 15 years before I knew that was her name. We always called her Moo-Moo. We all were nice to Moo-Moo since we knew her since we were little and b/c of the fact that her mom used to baby sit every one. (Sidenote: My mom let her mom baby sit b/c she said “at least you’ll be well fed”).
So in this sweltering heat, I really didnt wanna walk to the store so I asked her to borrow her bike. What a girl of sheer enormity was doing with a bike, nobody knows. At first Moo-Moo had the nerve to say that she thought I was too big for the bike. I was thinking to myself like chick you outweigh me by at least 100lbs. But when I offered my fitted hat a collateral she agreed.
Let me tell ya sumthin about NY fitted hats. They were my pride and joy and everyone new that. It was the fad at the time to have rhinestones and embroidery on your fitteds. I had just debut my newest creation and I gave it to her as collateral.
Bottom line, I go to the store and come back. I eatin my BBQ sunflower seeds and Moo-Moo is examining her bike and then had the nerve to say I broke it. I almost cried it was so funny, I was like “You’re at least 250lbs, you definitely broke that bike” and everyone started laughing at her. That was stupid of me b/c I hadnt gotten my precious hat back. Moo-Moo said if I didnt promise to fix the bike, she was gonna fcuk up my hat. I said hell no. She plucked off all of the rhinestones and stomped her 13yo, 250lb behind on my hat.
I got really angry and picked her bike and threw it about 15-20ft. Bike pieces went flying every where. Moo-Moo went to charge me like a rhino but when she got up she fell on the floor. What made it worst is when she fell I acted like there was an earthquake. She started crying and waddled into the apartment building. She took the steps up to her 2nd floor apartment. Word to the wise, if a really large woman named Moo-Moo takes the steps instead of the elevator be very cautious.
She took the steps back down too. She had a purse in her hand. I’m like why did she go upstairs and get a purse. This chick pulls out a butcher’s knife and one of them knives ppl use to cut turkey. This 250lbs woman is now chasing me around the stoop with two knives and the worst part is she’s keeping up with me. My boy tosses me a garbage can. I say “Moo-Moo if you cross this line, I’m gonna hit you with this here garbage can”. She crossed the line and i threw the can at her and the garbage can literally, no exageration bounced back at me. Like she lifted up her enormous leg and straight blocked the sh*t. It bounces at me and I trip over it, she catches me and slices my arm right about my elbow. Now I’m like this chick is nuts. My man Guimar says run in circles. So instead of running in a straight line, I’m running around her in circles and real talk she starts to get dizzy. I pick up the can and I repeatedly hit her with the garbage can, about 5 or 6 times. In the midst of all of this, she cuts herself with the knives by accident. So by now the cops are there. And she had the nerve to say that I cut her!!! They cuff me and put me in the back of the car. If a crowd of like 100 ppl hadnt gathered and told them that she cut herself and what not, I woulda went to jail that night.
And this is the reason that I dont talk to big girls.
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
(Sidenote: My mom let her mom baby sit b/c she said “at least you’ll be well fed”).
*crying*
Peyso, I quit you.
My letter of resignation will be on your desk shortly.
Thank you.
@8th Wonder,
you gotta give two weeks notice…
That’s only if you feel like being classy about yo’ shyt.
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
LMAO!!!!!
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple
LMAO!! I can see how you would be scarred – literally and figuratively.
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
ctfu.oh ish! im crying!!
“She crossed the line and i threw the can at her and the garbage can literally, no exageration bounced back at me.”
best. line. ever.
the sheer fact that you called this girl moo moo in all seriousness really makes my day.
thanks peyso
@laylah,
“the sheer fact that you called this girl moo moo in all seriousness really makes my day.”
This made my day as well.
*sniggling*
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple, This syht right here is hilarious!!! I can not take another story like this. NO more sharing for you!
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
Stop it! Just stop it! You should’ve called the cops when ole girl blocked the trash can all WWF style and sh*t…..
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
*spits out $4 Italian Extra Dark Roast*
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
I….. can’t…. breathe….
*flatlines*
(when you attend my funeral, please give the $4 for the coffee to my husband)
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
awww, poor moo-moo! lmao!
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
we didnt call her Moo-Moo b/c of her size but because of the clothes she always wore
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
Oh wow!!! this makes her nickname much, much more hilarious!!!!
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
**BBMo is still giggling her muhfukkin a$$ off, posthumously**
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple, thank you for producing a laugh so deep and gutteral that folks think I’m dry heaving on the metro! Damn dawg. Tears are coming down my face….
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple, Big Girls will officially be “moo-moos” from here on out. My vocabulary thanks you.
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple, LOL.
THAT’S the reason you don’t talk to big girls??
i’m mad you tried to get all Harlem Nights on her ass with the trash can.
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
“My man Guimar says run in circles. “
This was by far the funniest part of the ENTIRE story to me. I read it from my phone whilst on the play mat w/the Marshmallow and started a 3-minute giggle fest!!
Why the fluck was your boy standing off to the side coaching you while this massive girlchild was tryna murder yo a$$? What kinda friend is he??
He’s the one you should be mad at…still to this day. I bet him and Big Henrietta ended up getting married or something.
LMAO!! that part of Peyso’s story reminded me of an episode of “Deion & Pillar: Prime Time Love” when P wants to take the kids “camping” and D tells the kids in order to run from a bear they have to “cut” in and out and not run in a straight line. hehe.
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
OMG!!! this story made me hyperventilate… whooo… i really had to blow out my breath.
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple, Peyso..this is officially one of the funniest stories I have ever heard…LMFAO!!!!
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
“Obscenely Fat” will be part of my vernacular from this day forth.
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
I think I just laughed so hard, I swallowed my tonsils. Moo-Moo is now my word for fat girls.
for the love of all things pure, holy, and sanctified in this world–i CTFU from beginning to end. my iron lung can’t even help bring the O2 back into my lungs. i needed to be revived (thankfully there are surgical tools and drugs in my lab to facilitate this).
by far the funniest sh*t i’ve read today. thanks to you, your temple, and your great story telling. ‘preciate ya!
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
Am I going to he11 on an airplane for laughing at this???
TOO FUNNY
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
yeah, so far this is the story of the day. good job and sh*t
@I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
*DEAD*… @ the WHOLE story. i “cry laughed” through the whole thing.
First off all of our stories will fail in comparison to that ridiculous Iowa football game story (http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/myfox/pages/News/Detail?contentId=7953923&version=3&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=3.2.1) but here’s mine.
When i was in college there was this chick that lived in the apartment above me. Now her roommates always used to tell me you know ******* likes you right? I’m like nah, she has a man, she talks about him all the time, really we’re just friends.
So one weekend her man comes up from Morehouse and is spending the weekend with her. Now of course she brings him down to the crib, introduces us and we kick it a bit. I find out that 1. They’ve been dating since 9th grade, so really thats the only relationship either person has had, 2. He got a little family dough, cuz he pushes an Acura, plus apparently he fronts her guap monthly to help with rent and bills, 3. Dude got a mad Ralph Tresvant qualities, which women say is a good thing cuz they like manners and chilvary. The only reason i bring up number 3 is because she asked what I was doing on Saturday (the next day) and I’m like oh i got mad errands to run, then i mention that it will suck cuz i don’t have a whip. SHE THEN VOLUNTEERS THIS “well I can take you where you need to go if you want”…now normally I would accept no hesitation, but I look at dude because I don’t wanna overstep my boundaries. He seems unconcerned, so I’m like cool just hit me up in the morning we’ll bounce.
The next day she knocks on my door at like 11am and we start to dip, IN HOMEBOY’S CAR. Ok well at first I’m like whatever, we go to the first store cracking jokes having a blast. When we get in the parking lot she pulls the “I think you should drive” move. So now I’m whipping another dudes car, with his chick in the passenger seat stunting thru Philly. This is now starting to get weird, but you know still very explainable. Let me tell you that I was running errands for my future big brothers, because I was an interest for the frat. So you know them cats kept calling and adding stuff and what was supposed to be a quick two store thing, ended up taking all day. All through out I kept telling her hey thanks for this, you should go home though, I can just take it from here. And everytime she would say no I like spending time with you this is actually fun.
So around 8pm, after we’re done, I’m like yo lets go to Dave and Buster’s, call your dude I’ll treat y’all to some games at least. She’s like nah lets just me and you go. Now I’m like o_O. But you know I’m young, I’m like if this dude can’t control his chick thats his problem. So still with his car, we roll to D&B’s, drinking, eating, playing games just having a blast. Her phone is going crazy but she just cuts it off and continues having fun. So we’re on our way back when my phone rings with a crazy number and I answer it. Its dude. He didn’t even seem mad, just concerned and sad. I’m like oh we’re cool here is shorty. She takes the phone and straight little boys this dude. Like why are you calling trying to check up on me, I’ll be back when I’m back, I don’t care if its your last night here, I’m a grown-ass woman…etc.
We get back to the crib, and shorty is like I’ll be back. She rolls up stairs and comes down like 10 mins later in some like shorts and a beater. She’s like lets watch something. Long story short, I didn’t do anything, but what makes the story unbelievable is the next day before dude leaves he stops by my door and says good bye!!!!!! Like huh??? When he knocked I told my roommates to stand guard in case it goes down, but dude just dapped me up like ok see you later man.
@Dorian G.,
“I’ll be back when I’m back, I don’t care if its your last night here, I’m a grown-ass woman…etc. ”
*singing* She was cold as ice..
@miss t-lee,
*singin along*
@Dorian G.,
i’m sure she eventually broke up with him and i’m sure he is still single, because no girl wants a dude like that.
lack of backbone… so sad. maybe he was insecure??
@Dorian G.
WoW. Let me guess, they broke up soon.
Ohhhhh on another note, maybe ol dude had his own chick or dyck down at Morehouse and didn’t really care.
@V Renee and laylah
Actually they did break up, but he broke up with her. He became an Alpha down there and broke up with her like a week after he crossed.
What goes around comes back around (c) Justin Timberlake
daaaaang i really would like to know who dude is. i have some suspicions…
@Dorian G.,
This is why some chicks actually deserve to be smacked w/an open hand…right across the face. I’m not saying it should’ve been done [kinda], but I wouldn’t be mad if it had.
Chicks end up missing behind shyt like this when dealing w/lesser men.
@Dorian G.,
wow. that just gets a big WOW.
I don’t have too many crazy stories but here goes . . .
One day me and my dad were driving (I forgot where we was going) and out of the blue my dad runs into one of his old high school buddies while he was waiting for the bus. The 2 have a good laugh and my dad asks him does he need a ride. The high school buddy gets in the car and off we go. As soon as the high school buddy got in the car he started acting strange. he kept looking behind his back like someone was chasing him or we was running from somebody. My dad notices his strange behavior and asks him is everything okay, and the high school buddy says yeah everything is fine. A few minutes go by and the high school buddy is still acting strange but it’s getting worse. The high school buddy starts grabbing his bag and tucking it like he’s trying to hide something. So my dad asks again, “Is everyting okay and what’s in your bag.” And the high school buddy says, “I’m cool but with all due respect it’s none of your god damn business and what’s in this bag doesn’t concern you”. My dad, he’s probation officer and he’s a real stickler for the law. So my dad asks the high school buddy, “whats in your bag” and the high school buddy says, “with all due respect none of your god damn business” At this point I thought my dad was going to kick his friends ass, but he did. He just keep driving. A few minutes went by and the high school buddy is now acting like he’s scared out of his mind, because he keeps looking over his shoulders like something is wrong. So my dad pulls the car over and asks his friend again, this time is a strong voice, “What’s in the bag” and his friends says, “I told you before none for your god damn business” So my dad snatches the bag from his friend, opened it up and looked inside. Then my dad gave the bag back to him and told him to get the fcuk out of his car.
The End!!!!
@eff yo couch,
Son c’mon with that, what was in the bag? It had to be money.
@eff yo couch,
I’m seriously CTFU right now…dayum.
@eff yo couch,
with all due respect, eff….i really need to know whats in that bag!!! was it a severed human head? im guessing severed human head. am i right? im right, arent i? word….thats effed up.
@shatani, 8 heads in a duffel bag?
Tell me I’m not the only one who watched that ish, late night on cable…lmao
@miss t-lee,
i love that damn movie!!!! lmao!! i used to watch it everytime it came on comedy central!
@eff yo couch
Yeah what was in the bag?????
@eff yo couch,
this reminds me of that movie!! that one that came out in like ’99 with deniro (i think) and there was a briefcase that had something in it and everyone wanted to know what it was and at the end of the movie…..you STILL dont find out! lmao!
@shatani,
what movie was that? I’m drawing a blank.
I remember Pulp Fiction having a briefcase that you never found out what was in there as well…
@miss t-lee,
i just looked on imdb….i think it was Ronin
@eff yo couch,
boooooooooooooooooooooo, get this guy off the stage….
By this time I guess everyone wants to know what was in the bag, wll the contents of the bag is . . .
NONE OF YALL GOD DAMN BUSINESS!!!! LMAO
I’m sorry I couldn’t resist sharring that joke with you guys.
@eff yo couch,
That hurt my feelings.
@eff yo couch,
I’ve heard this story before. My step-dad used to tell it all the time. When a person asks what’s in the bag the storyteller’s response should be, “None of your got d@mn business.”
Nice try patna!
@eff yo couch,
your name is really “ronin” is it?
(im mad the first time i wrote this out it didnt post!)
dayum! you gotta wake up preeety early in the morning to get a comment up on VSB!
but now that im off lurker-status; my story:
i had fam in the DMV uuuurea so i visited once a year b4 i moved down there for college. when i moved a dude i had known thru that time decided we should make it official and be ‘boo’d up’. alas, 1 week once a year really isnt enough time to get a full scope of a persons crazy…
when he said he was a ‘medical assistant’, he meant of ‘street pharmecuticals’. so when he’d randomly visit my parents techniclly they were aiding and abetting and harboring.
he was ambiguously gay?: he wore colored contacts with glasses- but was 20/20… he got us matching chains, but not one female version and one male version– both female… he took solo sears studio portraits in said contacts/glasses/women’s chain. i am thin he was thin. i joked once that he could prob wear my pants…so he did… more than once…
little did i know his thinness was bc
he was bullemic: he would ONLY eat chicken fingers. nothing else. and then mysteriously disapear into the bathroom with a ‘stomachpain’ and then be hungry an hour later and then eat chickenfingers and then mysteriously disapear into the bathroom…
he would B&E into my dormroom: i would leave for class doors&windows locked — come back windows open and he’d be there eating chicken fingers talking about i need better security. i lived on the second floor.
i changed my number bc:
he called me WHILE he was having a knife fight with his brother on his front yard. apparently his bro’s cat peed on his bed. the fight ensued bc the brother tried to stop him from decapitating the cat on the lawn.
uhm,
yeah.
@kaliber,
im so mad…so mad a nucca gone break in yo shyt to sit and eat chicken and lament your poor security!!! oh my damn, that is hilarious!!
@kaliber,
i.have.no.words.
@kaliber
First off welcome n sh*t. Second – ummmmm this story is DEFINITELY crazy/hilarious! If I was you, I wouldn’t be able to look at chicken fingers the same.
@V Renee,
you know… come to think of it. i actually cant say i’ve had chicken fingers since then LOL
@kaliber,
I would have had to kill that bamma for messing up my enjoyment chicken fingers. And left honey mustard all over the crime scene.
“he would B&E into my dormroom: i would leave for class doors&windows locked — come back windows open and he’d be there eating chicken fingers talking about i need better security. i lived on the second floor.”
This made a river flow from my eyes, lmao!
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
@kaliber, LMAO! GRRL!!! that shyt is HILARIOUS.
i’m mad at so much there… the chains, the chicken fingers… WOW.
@ladyb,
dont forget the knife fight!
…???
@kaliber,
This story literally has me sitting here in TEARS!! This has to be THE funniest thing I’ve read today so far! Welcome n’ shyt!! I done caught the asthma again! I think I need to see if my insurance will cover the occasional inhaler or a pocket sized nebulizer.
@kaliber,
i would just like to say this is the best story on this post. real talk.
my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.
@laylah,
lolol aw shucks and sh*t.
i forgot about the time at a dinner with my family for my birthday he refused to speak to anyone besides my 2yo baby nephew.
in baby talk.
loudly.
its all funny *now* lol.
what in the…. all i can say is wow. and damn.
well, personally, i don’t have anything really crazy. your typical college drama, but not worthy of a story. my best friend however… she was special. she had a boyfriend from high school that hooped at one of the best big east schools at that time. they struggled with the distance thing although he was only 3 hours away. he loved her and wanted her to be happy. he would constantly send her gifts and would try and visit as much as he could. she eventually succumbed the one of the “im rolling into class wearing my school sweatshirt, bball shorts, socks and adidas flip-flops” athletes at my school. they got their freak on all the time… ALL THE TIME. she had no shame. she would show up to his apartment… his friends would be sitting there… and she would go striaight to the back to where his bedroom was. not a good look, at least to me it isn’t. she thought she was living it up… having her man at home and jump off at school. then her man became distant. he stopped calling her. he stopped sending her things. when she did talk to him, he sounded annoyed to hear her voice. she she decided to pay him a visit, on a wednesday night. we left the library @ like midnight and she decided right then and there that she was going to drive 3 hours so see what was going on with her man. i got a call @ like 4 in the morning. she was in hysterics. she walked into his room… he was doing another girl… doing the do… in the booty. she caught them in the middle of the act! she slapped him, spit on him. then she called me. she felt like a fool.
karma is a motha.
@laylah,
Well, that’s what she get. I’m mad that she wanna put hands on him, but she was doin the same doggone thing back at the ranch. Triflin.
@laylah, wait , hol’ up. in da booty?
like-in-THE-booty? nuh uh. hell to the naw, he’s fired. my apologies to the all the in the booty loving folks out there.
OFF TOPIC, but oh well.
I was in my office minding my own bitness, when one of my interns who is older than me walks in asking me how my Thanksgiving was. Umm…homie, thats a Monday question. Thanksgiving was 8 days ago. H*ll, I forgot what I did on Wednesday.
Then, she proceeded to ask me if I was born and raised in the United States. I said “No, Nigeria.”
2520 Intern: “Oh cool!!!”
Me: “Yeah”
2520: “Do you go home a lot?”
Me: “Not really”
2520: “Yeah, It must take like 8 flights to get there”
Me: *Slow blink* “Umm… it actually takes 1. 2 tops.”
Y’all lucky I can control my temper. I wanted to tackle her dumb *SS right there. See, folks? I
@Luvvie,
Can you explain 2520 to me?
Oh, and I lived in Lagos for a couple years, Ikoyi Island.
@shhwhisper
a 2520 relates to the letters of the alphabet:
25=Y
20=T
YT=whitey
@V Renee,
You guys are too brilliantly comical
@V Renee,
Some of my friends say 313
3= C
1=A
3=C
I’m sure you can figure out what that stands for. People thought we were talking about folks from Detroit.
@Voiceofreason,
I’m still 313. I likes…lol
@Voiceofreason,
n/m
@miss t-lee,
Feel free to use it as much as you like
@Voiceofreason,
oooohhh… I like this too
you will get your creative by-credit
@Voiceofreason,
this IS a good one! Thanks!
@Luvvie,
Can I overnight FedEx a Ghanaian/Nigerian style a$$whoppin to your ignorant (not to be confused with the cooler ‘ignant’) intern? Puh-LEEEEEZ?!?
@blackberry molasses,
Why does this type of a$$ whoppin’ sound like it has extra fire on it?? Shazaaam!
@PBG,
Zonkers!
@Luvvie,
what a dumb@ss!!! i had the same amount of layovers going to vegas as i did going to ghana. what an idiot.
@Luvvie,
Question: Is this 2520 intern a pretty blond girl from South Carolina? Has she ever been in pageants?
Dayum, where the h3ll does she think Nigeria is…on the frickin’ MOON???
BrownBabyJesus, be an atlas.
@PBG, or expedia.com…
@Princess Duvet,
or gotdamn clue!
@Luvvie,
I didn’t know you worked with Sarah Palin.
@RedBeanzNRice,
::chortles::
@Luvvie,
I was in my office minding my own bitness, when one of my interns who is older than me walks in asking me how my Thanksgiving was. Umm…homie, thats a Monday question. Thanksgiving was 8 days ago. H*ll, I forgot what I did on Wednesday.
lol…honestly, this is one of the funniest things ive read all year (yup. year) mainly because i hate the monday questions on friday just as much and i have a co-worker that specializes in this. seriously, just yesterday this cat asked me about the quantum of solace (a movie i saw two weeks ago), despite the fact that i see him everyday. i’m seriously considering putting a screen door on my cubicle
I got lots of crazy unbelievable relationship stories so here’s the first one.
Newly back on the dating scene but since I’m grown I’m not really feeling the bar scene. Try the whole ***** dating website and end up getting matched with this cool dude. He lives 5 hours away but is moving to my city in the next couple of weeks. Seems like a great sitch to me…lots of great date opportunities, show him the city, etc. We’re talking on the phone EVERY night 4 to 5 hours for almost 3 weeks. Job in my town ends up falling through for him so he’s without a job in either city. Well by now I’m really wanting to meet this guy in person so I offer to drive up to his city to spend a long weekend. He tells me since I’m coming up there, he’ll take care of everything while I’m there. Just get myself there….he’s gonna show me his city, we’re gonna hit some clubs, he’s gonna cook for me, the works.
So I get there and everything seems great the first night. We get out for breakfast around early afternoon and come back to the house. He’s gotta jet for short minute for an appointment. He’s supposed to be back in an hour. Meanwhile 4 hours later, he finally calls and says he’s on his way. I was irritated but honestly not all that mad yet because it was my holiday weekend and I didn’t mind being posted up on the couch reading my book.
When he finally gets home, I inquire about dinner/club plans for the night so I can get ready at the proper time. He’s acting all kinds of shady. I’m not sure what happened while he was gone but its obvious something’s pissed him off. I go and get ready. Instead of going to some great spot, we end up at some round the way skanky bar. (Now mind you, I wouldn’t have cared if we ended up going to a neighborhood joint. I just had been told to expect more and coupled with his crappy mood told me something was up.)
We get into the bar and I keep asking what is wrong. Finally he tells me, “You know what’s bothering me? I was gone for 4 hours and the whole time I was gone, you didn’t bother making my bed?” Excuse me? “You didn’t make the bed, straighten up the house or anything.” I got NO problem cleaning up after myself…as a matter of fact my friends always consider my house the most organized, cleanest of the bunch. However, I was not going to come into somebody else’s home and start cleaning up mess that was there when I arrived (minus the one blanket I had used on the couch while waiting 4 hours for him to get home). Especially after I had driven 5 hours to get there, put the dog in the kennel, incurred major costs to get there and was a guest in his home. Heck, I figured if I tried to do too much, I’d be accused of snooping in his stuff.
Long story short, I asked to be taken back home from the bar. He commenced to calling me all kinds of hateful things on the ride back and then refused to let me stay on the couch until the morning. He kicked me out by saying he didn’t trust me in his house. So I ended up driving in the middle of the night in a city I didn’t know trying to find a hotel I could stay in and feel safe.
Good times!
@Luvtheshoes
Yeah he definitely needed a throat punch.
**calling Miss T-Lee – Come handle this!**
@V Renee,
I was coming…you beat me to the punch…lmao!!!
@miss t-lee
Hahahahaha. How funny?!?!?! You’re like Batman out here. You get the signal that a throat punch is needed and you’re there in the blink of an eye.
@V Renee,
I do what I can…lol
@Luvtheshoes,
“You know what’s bothering me? I was gone for 4 hours and the whole time I was gone, you didn’t bother making my bed?” Excuse me? “You didn’t make the bed, straighten up the house or anything.”
*Throat punch*
@miss t-lee,
Thanks for having my back! Tee hee
@Luvtheshoes,
Next time I bet your gonna make up the bed, right? lol
@eff yo couch,
Oh its now a running joke in my family to call me and ask me to come make someone’s bed
@Luvtheshoes,
I would’ve memorized his address and had junk mail and pizzas sent to his house for 6 months.
@Luvtheshoes,
I dunno, I mean I kinda feel him on the bed thing. You slept in the bed right? While he’s out handling business it would have been nice (and in some people’s cases expected) for you to just straighten out the sheets and fluff the pillows.
@Dorian G.,
True I feel ya on that but it wasn’t made when I got there the night before and he was the last one out of the bed sooooo I kinda figured he was the type of person who didn’t see bed making as a priority.
@Luvtheshoes,
I would’ve been petty as hell and just made up the side I slept on.
@PBG,
Forgot this part, while I’m walking out the door after packing my things up at one in the morning, he said “Well did you make the bed while you were in there?”
@Luvtheshoes,
he was just beggin to be kicked in the back of the neck! what the shyt?!!? did he think you drove five hours to come be his damned housekeeper!?!? yo name aint Benson!
@Luvtheshoes,
“I was gone for 4 hours and the whole time I was gone, you didn’t bother making my bed?”
The hell? It’s HIS damn bed, AND he was supposed to be there like 3 hours prior to that conversation. So you sat up in his house for 4 hours BY YOURSELF, but now all of a sudden he don’t trust you in his house overnight while he’s home? Triflin. I agree, that mess right there deserves a throat punch.
@RedBeanzNRice,
That’s kinda what I thought. NOW you wanna start worrying about me fcuking up your stuff. Just as well though…I had the thought run through my mind VERY LOUDLY “how soon before this ninja hits me?” It was time to go fo sho.
@Luvtheshoes,
“how soon before this ninja hits me?” It was time to go fo sho.”
I heard that. It’s really time to bounce when THAT thought happens, ESPECIALLY if you ain’t packin heat in the trunk, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice,
or at least a tarp and a shovel in the trunk…
@Dorian G.,
Also, when he called (3 hours later) and had he asked me nicely to pick up since he had been gone so long, I’d broke out my Alice from Brady Bunch apron and gone to town on the house. Alas, dude just wanted to be all passive-aggressive and pout about the ish. Was a non-made bed really that deep?
@Luvtheshoes, what’s his address? no reason. just curious. i’m not gonna do nothing bad. i just want have a talk with him. Hey. wouldn’t it be cool if the very smart brothas, were like our Big brothers who ordered fake hits on dudes and/or roughed them up if they tried to fcuk with us? Yo P, Champ start benchin’.
@Luvtheshoes,
Diva, is that you???
@Ms. Sula,
Nope, not Diva
@Luvtheshoes, did he ever bother to tell you what the hell he was doing in those 4 hours!??!?!
@A Plus,
Not a word! Matter of fact, i’ve never heard from him again period. Not a call to check and make sure I didn’t get lost that night out on my own, not a call or email to see if I made it back to my hometown ok, nothing. Not even to this day.
I don’t have outlandish, or well they are more “stupid things young college chicks do” than outlandish. Like my last 3 years of undergrad were filled with “why aren’t you dead yet?” moments. I would love to say I blame the alcohol and my friends but half of the time we weren’t drunk or drinking and it was just plain boredom. On a good note, I made a lot of friends…. LOTS of them…and there is no actual evidence other than the memories, which evidence enough for all involved.
@Ro,
you didnt do anything during your first year?
I wouldn’t usually share such a personal story but it’s also somewhat of a PSA.
I dated this guy for a while and he moved into my apartment, it was towards the end of my lease and we planned on moving to another place together. Things were good for a while. After a couple months he got laid off. He was getting unemployment so it wasn’t so bad.
I didn’t think he was looking hard enough for a job and arguments started. I work from home and it’s a studio apartment. Things started to go south.
He stopped paying rent and was spending his unemployment at the club. We were bickering daily, during my work hours. I asked him to leave, he has multiple family members in the area so I didn’t think he’d have a tough time finding somewhere to stay. He didn’t want to leave. He kept asking for a couple weeks to get himself together and then when the time came said he didn’t want to break up. My asking him to leave started to turn into my angrily demanding he leave. I even started staying out nights.
One day I was unusually busy at work and he was snoring the whole time. It’s a studio so my desk is like right next to the bed. I threw a slipper at him and told him to pack his stuff and leave.
He went to the police, told them he was scared of me and that I was abusing him. They gave him a two week order of protection without even speaking to me first. They came and put me out of my apartment. I had to file a motion and plead to the judge that I was the only one on the lease and that I was afraid he might damage or steal my stuff. It took me a week and a half to get my place back. During that time he would call me laughing saying he had this girl and that girl in my apartment.
In some states you can be put out of your place based on allegations, even if you’re the only one on the lease, and even if the person isn’t paying rent.
@shhwhisper,
Wow.
@miss t-lee,
double wow.
@shhwhisper,
I’m sorry but I’m over here cracking the eff up at ol boy adding insult to injury by taunting you sayin he had another chick IN YOUR APARTMENT!!! He might be a free-loader but he has alot of testicular fortitude taunting you like that. lol
@shhwhisper,
There are no words for that level of ig’nance (on his part)
@shhwhisper, that dude was a biatch whose momma, sister, cousin hipped him to that game….
@shhwhisper,
That’s a doggone shame. That’s prolly why none of his relatives wanted anything to do with him; they knew he was a triflin, no-rent payin so an so. I’m show sorry you had to go through that, but after you got back to your place, you shoulda choked him out and gave him a real reason to be scared of you on GP, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice,
Yeah, I should have choked him but the police were there to escort him out.
hell to da nah.
@shhwhisper,
this story just bought me an extra rum and coke at happy hour.
damn
I have a story about this chick I know (seriously it’s not me) and her pimp. This happened this past weekend. This is not the most outlandish story between the 2 – there has been a history of calling the police on one another, her getting stalking charges pressed against her, motor oil being poured on her, all kinds of phuckery.
Anyway so this dude looks like a broke down pimp. He’s light skinned, with craters on his face and LONG hair. Anywho we went to Final Fridays and this nygga strolls in with hair freshly done….and by freshly done, I mean he had crimps. Crimps I said crimps!!! Anywho, this chick trying to be funny goes to talk to his friends. Long hair don’t care pimp sees this and proceeds to start throwing ice on her (why do all my stories have ice in them). It was the funniest sight – he’s dancing in a red/gold “Versace”-type shirt, with some chick he came with, with a bottle of Moet Rose in his hand and CRIMPS in his hair tossing ice at ol girl. I couldn’t help it….I laughed. Hard. My sister kept saying, “I can’t believe she let a ninja with CRIMPS throw ice on her. ” The only thing I could say was, at least it wasn’t oil.
@V Renee,
Crimps I said crimps!!!
That’d be enough for him to be dead to me.
@V Renee, girl was he short???? that might have been the same ninja ….LMAO
@V Renee,
“…red/gold “Versace”-type shirt…”
This visual disturbs me.
@V Renee,
i just have to say that i’ve been to the ‘Nati a couple times so this story just makes me laugh a lil bit extra.
@pgh muse,
i just have to say that i’ve been to the ‘Nati a couple times so this story just makes me laugh a lil bit extra.
yeah, seriously. after spending a night with my cousin (a cop) who intentionally ran through red lights in the hood because they were known to shoot at cops, i’ll believe any story that comes from that place.
cincy’s the only city where people never need more people
@The Champ,
lol. I agree.
“he’s dancing in a red/gold “Versace”-type shirt”- especially with imagery like this!
Like most outlandish relationship stories, mine can be charged to the fact that I was young and really didn’t know any better.
I was a sophomore in college and started dating a cute young local who was about five years older than me. Things were fine, we’d talk all the time and he’d drop by my little hood apartment whenever he was in the area. He was really sweet, met all my friends and everybody agreed he was gorgeous and had a great personality.
I noticed that he’d dip in and out of town a lot, and disappear for a few days at a time. One Friday he promised to take me out on a date and I sat waiting for him. A half hour passed, and then an hour, and so on until I was sure he was standing me up.
When I finally accept his calls and we meet up, I kept pressing him about what happened that night and why he stood me up. He hems and haws beating around the answer. Eventually he breaks down and admits that he was on his way, right around the block in fact, and someone started shooting at his car. Turns out he’s been selling drugs for a few years and is a well known D-Boy in the hood. All those “friends” he’d see when we were out at the hood spots? Fiends. That time I saw the pot of “eggs” on his stove? Crack. I wouldn’t have believed the story at all if I hadn’t heard gun shots that night, and hadn’t seen those things with my own eyes. I was just too young and naive to know what had been going on.
The part that had me going off was I lived in an apartment full of girls, smack in the middle of a drug infested area, and we didn’t have any type of protection besides our weak a** dead bolt lock. The only reason he even told me any of this was he wanted me to know what I’d really be getting into with him.
@Dom
Now the question is, did you become his Bonnie??
@V Renee,
Oh, and hel* no. Luckily I met my bf right after that. His parents were starting a church and he was truly a god sent life saver!
@Dom,
“All those “friends” he’d see when we were out at the hood spots? Fiends. That time I saw the pot of “eggs” on his stove? Crack. “
This is loss of innocence is ridiculously funny to me!
Reminds me of the first time I saw somebody smoke crack:
I was with my drug-dealing baby daddy before he was my baby daddy in the first days of 1998. We rode down to Manassass, VA (a very wrong move…negroes need not EVAR do dirt in the Commonwealth of VA) to “see his friend”. His friend was this pretty chick named Mona who had this great house, a fantastic job, cute kids, etc. She was a Howard Alum, a Delta and a church deaconess. She also was an alcoholic and certified crackhead. She used a juice glass covered w/foil to smoke crack right the hell in front of me while she called all her church members to arrange some upcoming activity.
Talk about awkward.
Not awkward enough for me to leave, though. As long as dude fed her and her neighbors on the cul-de-sac drugs and alcohol, we could treat her home like a hotel and drive around in her nice car as much as we wanted.
Fun times.
@PBG
“She used a juice glass covered w/foil to smoke crack right the hell in front of me while she called all her church members to arrange some upcoming activity.”
Mouth dropped!!!! I knew there was a reason to be suspicious of church folk.
@V Renee,
Yeah that part had me LOL! Folks all in the office asking if Im okay and what not!
Situations like these help me see how easy it is for folks who dont have sh*t to do with the drug game, never even used it a day in their lives, get caught up.
@PBG, yes lawd..crack makes you lose all shame…
@PBG,
OMG. this story had me DYING!! Lawd. I’m going to have to wipe away another tear…
@PBG,
Reminds me of the first time I saw somebody smoke crack:
vsb.com: where shared crack stories happen
Totally unrelated:
I brought some leftover whiting I got from Horace & Dickies last night to work w/me for lunch. Good stuff, believe me!
How about I am in here in just a STATE because I left my hot sauce in my other purse?? And ya’ll KNOW I don’t trust no 2520 hot sauce!!
GRRRRR! I can’t win for losin’ today.
@PBG,
Yummy Horace & Dickies. I hope they aren’t giving you funny looks for the fish.
@PBG,
Mh reminds me of when I touched down in the G. I was like a lil dog in the car wishing the window would roll down. I said ‘MAAAAMMAAA! Can we get some wings n fish from J J’s?’ & it was on.
Long time lurker, first time poster….I have many ah stories of the foolishness I’ve done to partake in the pleasures of the male species, but this story had my friends picking at me for weeks…
I relocated to Atlanta from Miami in 2007, shortly after that I met a gentleman (at the time) outside of the Publix. He was promoting his business and he proceeds to follow me to my car and we talk while I am loading the groceries into the trunk. His schtik sounded pretty good and I gave him my number, plus I was new in town and I thought it would be nice to at least know someone. So he called, we met up one night at the Waffle House (bad sign #1, let me not go into the details of why the Waffle House is a bad sign, just take it from me it is, but I digress). I lothe the Waffle House (I had to reiterate that) so I just sat there while he ate and we talked for a few hours. He seemed nice enough, the conversation was good, but there was just something about this man that didn’t sit right with me. We went through the motions, but after a while I just wasn’t feeling him.
You know, people say to trust your gut instinct…I really should of listened to mine. So after each other for about a month, I just stopped contacting him because again, that funny feeling about him just wouldn’t go away. We lost touch and earlier this year we reconnected. I figured I didn’t give him a fair enough chance so I started to date him again (plus really the available men pool in the “A” is quite shallow, and I was bored…) he invited me out to dinner and me being bored decided, hey its free why the h*ll not. Oh but nothing in life is free my dear. We dinned at the fine establishment, Carrabas. We were seated across from a couple, the conversation was light, and everything seemed okay, until the guy at the next table popped the question to his GF. I thought, “Oh how nice” and continued on with my dinner. My “date” on the other hand flippin lost it. He got so excited, and offered to pay for their dinner, then offered to buy them a bottle of wine, then, he said, “Oh I have a congratulations card in my car, I am going to make it out to them” The whole time I’m eating my dinner like what the fluck is wrong with this guy. Why is he so excited over someone getting engaged and he doesn’t know them from Adam? I let it go, and continued to eat. He excused himself and went to his car to get this card he had just “laying” around in his car. (Who just randomly has a congratulations on your engagement card, in their vehicle?…again I digress) When he came back, he handed me roses and got on one knee and proposed to me. I looked at this nucca like, are you flippin kiddin me? I proceeded to continue eating my food, no answer, no smile, nothing, while he was on his knee, “waiting for an answer” I told him to please get up and sit down. He got up and said, “Oh I was just kidding, but these roses are for you though” I am not completely hartless, I thanked him for the roses and continued to eat my dinner (I am a member of Team Chunk and one thing you don’t do is interrupt me whilst eating).
Oh it get’s better, by better I mean weirder….He invites me to his “uncles” place. When I asked him why are we not going to his place, he gave me a long winded story about him having family there, his nephews and his grandfather and some other folk were at his place…yadda yadda… (This is the part when I should of just said, no, but thanks for dinner, but alas, I would not have a funny story if I just cut and run). Since we drove seperate cars I followed him to his uncles place, *sigh*…where do I begin, we walk in and there is a hospital bed in the living room….the bedroom has a bed with plastic on it, the bathroom, sweet jebus…the tub was……there are no words to describe it…by that time I decided it was really time to go, and as I attempted to leave he asked me to stay for a while so we could “talk”. I obliged him and chilled for a sec. He excuses himself, went to the restroom, I thought he was going to wash his hands…nope, homeboy walked out butt @ss nakid. I was so shocked I just sat there with my mouth open like no this negro didn’t…He must of thought I was excited about him being butt @ss nekid, but the gaul of this dude, I politely got my sh*t and walked out.
He proceeded to follow me outside, in all his glory…..did I mention that his neighbors were outside? Yeah they saw him in all his glory too…Unfortunately that was not the last time I saw him….but that is another loooong story…
@Simply Complex,
first of all, welcome and sh*t
**sprinkles Diva Dust ™**
Secondly, please check in with TC Captain miss t-lee
Thirdly… THIS STORY RIGHT HERE?!?! Is completely HILARIOUS… and sounds vaguely familiar. :-/
*BBMo continues to be posted up HARD against the Relationship Crypt Door… a tibia falls out**
@blackberry molasses, thx & sh*t…
@blackberry molasses,
Welcome simply complex
*Gives you a team chunk t-shirt*
We take care of our own round these parts…lol
@miss t-lee, *sniff, sniff* I shall wear this shirt with pride and valor!
@Simply Complex,
miss t, i dont recall receiving my team chunk t-shirt! *hmph*
not a tibia!! lmao
@blackberry molasses,
Note to self…don’t ever scan through responses on VSB. Sometimes your eyes misread “tibia” for “lab!a” and then you have to pick yourself up off the floor from laughing so hard at your stupid self.
@Simply Complex,
Oh my goodness! I am so dam* mad at this entire story! Dude proposed? Why like WTF? I would have been so embarrassed!
And then to top it off, he pulled the Naked Man on you! This whole comment is a mess!
@Dom, straight up proposed…and the YT’s were all clapping and ish, I wanted to kick him in the chest….HARD!
@Simply Complex,
Thats tooooo funny!
@Dom,
Why do guys think the Naked Man is sexy? I had a guy over to the crib once for a blockbucter night. I asked if he wanted something to drink and headed toward the kitchen. As I head back to the living room, this negro walks into my kitchen butt nekkid! I just looked at him, laughed said boy put your clothes back on and headed to the couch.
@Suga&Spice,
Thats gotta hurt! I saw this on an episode of How I met Your Mother” and they broke down the reasoning behind the Naked Man. Mostly its for guys who arnt sexy and the only way they can get booty is through the element of surprise. Like you’ll be so stunned you get naked too Lol!
@Dom, Please tell me they (men) don’t really think that the “element of surprise” works.
@Simply Complex,
Thats what they said in the episode. They gave the odds of it working at 2 out of 3. I cant see it surprising me enough to do the do, but hey, to each her own.
@Dom,
I was about to reference How I Met Your Mother as well.
That episode was hilarious.
@Dom,
I saw that episode!!!!
I also had a kat try the nekkid man.
I had went to go to bathroom at his place after dinner and I come out and this nuh is chillin’ nekkid on the couch.
I walked right over to the couch, got my purse and walked right out to the car.
No 2nd date.
@Dom,
yes!! The Naked Man!!! that episode of HIMYM was hilarious!!!
@Simply Complex,
yall keep makin me cry!!!
“where do I begin, we walk in and there is a hospital bed in the living room”
i really have no words for this. where yall supposed to get it on in the orthpedic bed? what would have happened if you had hit a switch in the midst of heat and the thing started folding up?? craftmatic gone wrong…
and yeah… the waffle house was a bad sign. you are not supposed to ever meet up for a meal in a place where the windows sweat.
@laylah, and you know how it is when you see something out of place and you want to comment, but you can’t find the right words…I mean what are the right words when you walk into an APARTMENT, and there is a hospital bed in the living room….”dude, really?” comes to mind, but even that doesn’t do it justice…
@laylah
Yeah the bed is what got me too. Was there a hospital going out of business and trying to get rid of beds, so they were selling them for the low low??? I honestly want to know. Did someone spend a night in the hospital and loved the bed so much they had to take it home?? I need more details on this bed. What’s dudes number?? Ima get to the bottom of this ASAP.
@V Renee, Ah I also failed to mention there was the IV pole next to the bed which was pushed up next to the window…I….I…just. dont. know. I couldn’t explain it that night, and to this day I still can’t explain it. *shrugs shoulders*
@Simply Complex,
OMG!! I hate Nekkid Man! He should be stoned for those shenanigans! I really wish he’d fall down outside on a rock lawn whilst nekkid.
@PBG, stoning would be too kind for his type o’fluckery
@Simply Complex,
lol…. i have a story with a disappearing nekkid ni99a too… sigh… after reading all of ya’ll stories i’m damn near too exhausted to share lol
@Simply Complex,
“He excuses himself, went to the restroom, I thought he was going to wash his hands…nope, homeboy walked out butt @ss nakid.”
That sounds like that episode on “How I Met Your Mother”, but yours is way worse. I mean dang, he went outside like that too? Lmao & Smh at the same time.
@Simply Complex, good story. the naked man experience just reminded me of that scene from “forgetting sarah marshall”…that has to be one of the funniest naked man scenes ever. dude had no shame.
by the way, don’t hate on waffle house. the sooner you embrace their hashbrowns and all their all-star special glory, the sooner the ATL will embrace you. Lol…
@Miss Patterson, ummmm, yeah, I’ll pass on the waffle house, thanks!
1st, welcome!!
2nd, late night rendevouz at waffle house is soooo not the bizness and def not a good beginning. glad you know!!
3rd, i just can’t with the rest of the story lmao. it’s funny, unfortunate, and ri-coc-ulous all at the same time. i just…cant.
@Simply Complex,
i think you were on hell date
@The Champ, So you sayin that him running outside naked was for him to tell me I was on hell date and I should have waited around for the camera crew to let me know, while his johnson (which is also his last name) swung?
@Simply Complex,
That part of your story also happened on Hell Date. (The part where he was proposing to you in the restaurant)
@Simply Complex, ok, you need to post EVERY DAY, coz this story is flippin’ hilarious!!!!! that proposal!!!!! ha ha ha ha! i can actually see your reaction in my minds eye!!!!! oooooh weeee!!!!
All this sharing makes me feel kinda bad for keeping all my tales of madness close to the vest! I could reveal a little bit:
Once I left my (now ex) husband @ KFC for trash talking me in front of the cashier. I was gone in the minivan!
I met this dude when I was 19 and ended up hiding in his closet for what seemed like HOURS when his “non existent” girlfriend showed up @ his crib while I was there one sunny afternoon. R.Kelly got that shyt from ME!
I visited an ex (a former long term boyfriend) once for random nostalgic hook up just to have that bamma tell me he couldn’t cheat on his girlfriend w/me. This girlfriend was locked up on cocaine charges. PBG basically got sonned for a damn crackhead.
There was that one time at work when my little Marshmallow fell down the stairs…funniest work day of my life!
I have a bunch of crazy stories. You don’t make it to snappin’ beans on the porch w/4 cats and not have any outlandish shyt happen to you.
@PBG,
“PBG basically got sonned for a damn crackhead.”
LMAO!!!!!! I know it hurts, but really, best quote ever. Needs to be on a t-shirt.
@laylah,
It did hurt…I couldn’t look @ myself in the mirror for about 24 hours. I was all like “What the hell she got I ain’t got??”
Then I realized the chick was probably toothless and that top piece game was more than likely a beast. I had to concede defeat.
@PBG,
“What the hell she got I ain’t got??”
… a never- ending itch. that’s about it.
@PBG
“Then I realized the chick was probably toothless and that top piece game was more than likely a beast”
Yeah that’s definitely the reason!
@PBG,
“What the hell she got I ain’t got??”
A crackpipe and some felony charges.
@PBG,
It’s been my experience that you are “snappin’ beans on the porch w/4 cats” BECAUSE of the outlandish shyt that’s happened to you. After a while, 4 cats sound like better company than dealing with the craziness.
@PBG
“PBG basically got sonned for a damn crackhead”
::crying::
@PBG, is “little Marshmallow” a euphemism for something i don’t know about yet?
“when his “non existent” girlfriend showed up @ his crib ”
so was the girlfriend a ghost?? an invisible friend?? or a girl who wasn’t really his girlfriend?? just wanted clarity.
@PBG,
Yo I cain’t catch my breath. You tryin to kill me! W/ the funniest work day of your life.
Oh yeah I’m glad my e-boo has earned some whiskey tango foxtrot comments.
*ding ding ding ding ding* hey everybody marshmellows are the 2520 babies she nannies for. & I may be reaching but I think that the ‘nonexhistant gf, was the girlfriend that he when promped via the ‘do you have a S.O.?’ said didn’t exhist.
oh yeah bwaaaahahahaha
Sugah you can’t be that good n not expect it to roll back up on you @ some point. Ole boy finally decided to get loyal that’s a good thing. What the word say about double edged swords??
@WuDaMan,
Thanks for clearing up the Marshmallow query for me,e-boo. I’m still deciphering the rest.
do i need plus de personnes? you be the judge…
sidenote: my stories tend to be long, just so you can get the whole picture…
so earlier this year i met this guy at a conference i was helping run in Chicago. our paths crossed a few times and each time he dropped subtle hints he was interested. at some point we exchanged contact information. by the last full day we had lunch together. very casual. he told me a story about his ex-fiance and how bad she hurt him and how reluctant he was to get in another relationship, blah blah blah. he tried to make a move and i thwarted it and let him know i wasn’t into him like that and went on about my conference business. later that night, he blew up my phone wanting to see me before he left. i chose to go hang out with other friends at IHOP instead. by the next day i’d received numerous calls from him. when i finally answered he gave me some sob story about his sick grandfather and how he was really worried about him and needed comfort. i lend an ear (cuz i’m nice like that) and by the end of the convo i’m tell him i’ll see him at next year’s conference. no plans to keep in touch (we dont live in the same city), no professions of “like”, just holla back in 365.
a few days later, he sends me the following email:
I know our relationship was on “friend terms” but I am going to have to communicate with you through this e-mail only. I spoke to my wife about you and what it boils down to is I am going to have to keep contact with you through e-mail. This is my personal e-mail address so just respond to me this way. OKAY
Anyway, the conference was a blast and I enjoyed myself. Keep praying for my grandfather. (See picture of him, attached)
Also, if you get a phone call from me, please disregard it. Please do not answer the call. COOL!!!
—————————————–
mind you, the attached picture was of him, his WIFE, his SON, and his sick grandfather in the hospital. WTF?!?! clearly a NUT CASE. so i replied to his email and told him to never email or call me again. he had the nerve to ask me if i was mad at him and that he was “sorry”. yeah he’s sorry alright. sorry a$$ n*gga
i meet the weirdest ppl…
@Gem of the Ocean, WTF?
@Gem of the Ocean,
All I could do was make a screwface at this whole situation. I can’t even say anything clever.
So it has earned the “Vexed and Perplexed” Award.
I am very vexed and extremely perplexed by this ninja right hurr.
*takes award*
::please see eff’s above acceptance speech and modify it to be fitting for my award::
thank you, bbmo. *bows and walks off stage*
@Gem of the Ocean, thats some bullshyt… LMAO but it is funny
@Gem of the Ocean,
See, people like that… Give me hope that there is truly somebody for everybody
@Gem of the Ocean, stop it. for real?
let’s just say i forwarded this email to my brother and closest guy friend. just to see if they read what i read. i was in utter disbelief. i still have it saved on my comp. for sh*ts and giggles.
@Gem of the Ocean,
LMAO… i think i had to wipe away a tear on this one…
@Gem of the Ocean,
Oh my God, that email is hilarious!
He has a wife? Not to pick his phone calls?
I don’t know where to start and where to end with this one.
Jesus be a handkerchief to wipe out the tears in my eyes.
no really, i wasnt as shocked he was married. come to find out he had on a wedding band the 1st day of the conf (caught on camera) but didn’t have it on the rest of the time. i wasn’t shocked that, becuz of his wife and her knowledge of me, that he didn’t want me to call nor pick up any calls from his number (probably wifey checking up). but to attach to the email A PICTURE OF HIS WIFE AND KID!?!?! serious mental problems to do some sh*t like that. like fa real. Jesus be a sterile hospital bed in a psychiatric institute. *smh*
@Gem of the Ocean, amen!! incredible, really. i have no words….
Aight, I may as well go on ahead and tell you all of an outlandishly f*cked up story. Strange though, it just seems like a life in the day of Panama (or back in the my golden era).
So. This internet stuff ain’t new to the kid. I was the dude who stayed in an AOL chatroom back in the late 90s. Well, one particular day I met a young lady. We’ll call her LSA. Not sure why I picked those letters but they work. Now in said chatroom we began to chat and I told her that I was French. That piqued her interest b/c she’s Haitian. So we took our convo to IMsville. In the course of that first convo she asked for me to call her.
Now, I’m like 19 at this point, bored, out of my mind and curious. And all my friends know that for me…life is ALL about the stories. So we chat and learn all kinds of things about one another, etc. Our convo’s continue over time and we develop a friendship. Well she develops a crush.
Now, at some point, maybe a few months later (we’re still chatting via IM and phone occasionally) I must have given her the impression that we were dating or something b/c I get a phone call one day on some, “I’m coming to visit you” mess. Now, I never asked her to come see me (she lived in Broward County, FL – I was in Atlanta). What she didn’t tell me at that point was that she was ALREADY IN ATLANTA at the Greyhound station waiting to be picked up. By me. Oy vey.
I was pissed beyond belief but being the fine, upstanding gentleman that I am, I went to pick her up downtown Atlanta at the Greyhound station. Mind you, this is the first I’d see her EVER. No pics or nothing online. Big no-no.
So. Because I’m such a nice guy, I pick her up and ask her if she wants some food. I mean, she just travelled ALL the way from Florida, basically for some love or some sh*t, the least I could do was feed her.
I took her to Checkers. Mind you, I’m still pissed.
So what does Panama do?
I head to campus to holler at one of my boys. So I put the car in park, tell her I’ll be back, then I go inside and hang with my boy. I tell him the story about ole girl showing up while we’re playing video games or something. Maybe an hour or two goes by before he asks…”yo, where is she?”
Me: In the car. It’s not that cold outside and she said she was tired. So I told her to take a nap.
Him: MAN THAT’S THE MOST F*CKED UP THING! LMAO!!!!
Me: You’re right. Let me go home. I’ll holler at you later.
I get in the car, she’s slight irritated but so what, she inconvenienced me, not the other way around. I had stuff to do.
We go back to my house. Little background on my living situation: I live on the Westside of Atlanta (at the time – MLK, Adamsville) and I’m broke. I had NO heat in my place. At all. By the way, this is like January. I have basically resorted to living in one room of my house with a space heater. My boy also is living with me at the time and he would just crash on the floor in my room with the space heater.
So, we get back to my house and she wans to go to sleep (read: she wants some). Me…I’m thinking, “Toots, it ain’t finna happen.” She notices how cold it is and I explain how I ain’t got no heat. And that we’ll have to stay in my room all night b/c its the only place with heat. This excites her as she thinks its my invitation to coital-bliss.
Or at least she did until she saw me change into my sleeping outfit at the time which consisted of like a hoody, some thermals, and some sweatpants, and socks. Getting into my knickers? No siree Bobbette.
She tried, though.
She failed.
When my boy showed back up home, I laid his spot out right on the floor in my room, much to her chagrin (I explained the situation to him when he came in so he knew he was running interference).
Next day, we had a damn ice storm in Atlanta. Folks from down South know that when an ice storm hits, the STATE shuts down. But neither sleet, nor snow, nor rain, nor ice was going to stop me from putting her ass RIGHT back onto a bus back to Florida. I got up early and drove my ass over ice-packed roads and braved the insane traffic to the Greyhound station and dropped her the f*ck off. Her bus was indefinitely delayed but I ran some story about going to class and studying my little heart out as to why she couldn’t kick it with me. Nevermind that we’d heard on the radio that all schools in the A were shut down.
Anyway, she got home, eventually, and we’re cool now. We can laugh about her brazen-ness now, I mean it was nearly 10 years ago…
Moral of the story: Make sure somebody WANTS to see you before you show up somewhere 11 hours from your home.
The end.
@Panama Jackson, you never said what she looked like….
@Shay-d-lady,
i was thinking the same thing. so panama???
@laylah, um…so…what?!?!?
lol.
i’ll put it this way, even if she was SMOKING HOT i still would have been pissed…i dont like random chicks dropping by on me unannounced. thats the quickest way to turn me completely off.
ask a few of my exes. lol.
@Panama Jackson,
By this reply that means she was hittable
LMAO!
The fact that either of you still talk to each other is astounding.
@Panama Jackson, oh and Me: In the car. It’s not that cold outside and she said she was tired. So I told her to take a nap.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA….that was LOW DOWN PJ
@Panama Jackson,
You had me @ “I told her I was French”…that was just some random fluckery if I’ve EVER heard it.
LSA=A/S/L backwards. You ain’t slick.
@PBG, Okay, maybe Im slow. American Sign Language?
@Dom,
Not slow…young.
A/S/L stands for “age/sex/location” which was the FIRST thing you asked someone when they came into the old AOL chatrooms back in the day. Long before everybody had linkage to pages on various social networking sites.
PeeJay is only a few years younger than I am, so he knows what I’m talkin’ about! LOL!
@PBG,
ohhhh. Nodding head as it slowly sinks in. Thanks
@PBG, you shole right PBG..thats back when it was only AOL and Black Planet….
@Shay-d-lady,
AOL and Black Planet… a/s/l
ahhhhh.. memories
**BBMo pushes HARD against the door to the Relationship Crypt. A clavicle flies out and hits her upside the head**
damn, where these bones keep comin’ from???
@blackberry molasses,
girl. U are funny.
@Panama Jackson,
“Or at least she did until she saw me change into my sleeping outfit at the time which consisted of like a hoody, some thermals, and some sweatpants, and socks. ”
This was my sleeping outfit when I used to room with my cousin when I was 20 and we ran outta propane…lmao
H3ll, I’m still laughing at “sleeping outfit”, LMAO!!!
@AkShone,
Being without propane in 30 degree weather is no punk…lol!!!
@Panama Jackson, I remember that ice storm. I believe it was 99. I got stuck in Austell, with a dude who thought this was his chance to woo me into being his chick. Long a$$ 3 days.
@Panama Jackson,
“Me: In the car. It’s not that cold outside and she said she was tired. So I told her to take a nap.”
LMAO! That is so damn evil, Mr. Huntsville Ho Gatherer.
@Panama Jackson,
“I head to campus to holler at one of my boys. So I put the car in park, tell her I’ll be back, then I go inside and hang with my boy. I tell him the story about ole girl showing up while we’re playing video games or something. Maybe an hour or two goes by before he asks…”yo, where is she?”
Me: In the car. It’s not that cold outside and she said she was tired. So I told her to take a nap.”
This was funny as h3ll. You resurrected me only to kill me again.
*dead*
@Panama Jackson, i just wanna know where in the west end you felt cool leaving an attractive young girl alone & in a car for 2 hours while you were up in Kilgore playin’ video games on a bunkbed? like really, P… I mean she was wrong for just showin’ up but for 2 hours in the hood between the projects and mrs. winners?…lol.
this is not my story but a family members I have a cousin that has recently been crowned new playa of the year.. he as 2 main chicks that are 2520′s (his motto? sno bunnies fa sho monies..no lie anyone that has friended me check my myspace friends list ) he recently added two black chicks to the team…now for those tht dont know girls of the same pimp are called “Wife in laws”…so all the wife in laws were getting ready to go to chicago with cuzo…..apparently there was some miscommunication cause only the main chick was going to go…and he takes her to the shop to turn her “baywatch blond” well when they get back he drops newly baywatched chick off at the house and goes to run some pimp errands…..the hos get into an apparently EPIC brawl that ends up on the front lawn…police are called…..hos go to jai. My cousin is scared to bail them out for fear of being charged with pimping and pandering so he calls my uncle to bail them out…now he tells my cousin okay but his wife at work..why he call my 80 yr old GRANDMOTHER to take him to bail out the hos. So its my 80 yr granny, my60 yr old uncle and some dayum near butt naked hoes driving down poplar in a 89 tempo…..
You and your life stories are on time-out, cause I CANNOT take it.
My grandmother, God bless her soul, would have blown a gasket, lmao.
@8th Wonder, girl ask overit to forward you pics i sent her of this cousin…I am going to send her some of the girls that were arrrested too…LMAO
@8th I got your email off face book and sent you some pics….LMAO
And I will never forgive you.
I’m still on the ground laughing.
@Shay-d-lady,
ohhhhh, you gotta share the wealth on this one!
@Shay-d-lady
Ummmm can we all see these pics? Pretty please!
@Shay-d-lady,
Oh No, Imma need to see those too. Those sound too damn good to pass up!
It can be an early christmas present!
if yall wanna provide your email address I will send you a couple….or if 8th has your email she can forward it…..
@Shay-d-lady,
Eh, what the he** we all fam and ish right?
dwill997@yahoo.com
@Dom, I sent them
@Shay-d-lady
vrenee82@hotmail.com
@Shay-d-lady, I wanna see the pics too….
skittlebit06@yahoo.com
@Shay-d-lady,
lilloulou97@yahoo.com. I want em’ too. This is too funny!
@Lil’T, this email address was noted as invalid
now dont yall be posting these pics up all on your web pages an such………
@Shay-d-lady
I can’t get to my email while Im at work. I can’t wait to see these pics though!! Thank you.
@Shay-d-lady,
I seriously quit you now, Shay-d!
How they gone just send Big Mama downtown to pick up the hoes?? That’s just wrong on so many levels.
@PBG, thats what I said! Granny done invited the hos to christmas dinner and shyt……just ridiculous
so ashamed….
In college I met guy #1, we had alot of fun hanging out (we had mutual friends) and getting to know each other, he was really cool but if not a little sensitive. (foreshadowing..) So we kicked it for a couple of weeks..not much more than a kiss here and there. And so it was…it was over…the spark wasnt there and i moved on.
I meet guy #2..def. more my type..he had a swagger..a dirty south swag..
(Ahh memories!)
Fast fwd..Guy#1 is still calling trying to figure out why I didnt want to hang out anymore..I told him and he wouldnt accept it.
One night at my dorm I invited Guy#1 over to finally explain it all to him ONE MORE TIME! I sat in his car and explained it while textin Guy #2 to come by
I get out of the car when I see Guy#2′s car pull up. I say bye and go inside. Meanwhile, while Guy#2 and I are talking..Guy#1 is talkin to a mutual friend and next door neighbor about what just happened. I didnt know this at the time. Anyway I’m in mid-reverse cow boy and I hear a knock at the door..its Guy#1.
Guy#1- i know youre there…just come out and talk to me
me- *smh*
Guy#1-Please!!!!
Guy#2 is telling me come on and focus on him..and so I do
Guy#1 is now screaming outside of my dorm room door..with my friends all coming out of their rooms to a man beating on my door..crying saying “Dont do this! Please…”
I’m finished and wait to hear guy #1 leave…when he does..all of my friends and Guy#2 couldnt believe that just happened! We laughed all night about it. It was def. crazy times..
I wasnt sure if I should post this but..what the hell!
lol ciao!
@Sonri, not mid reverse cow girl.. LMAO
@Shay-d-lady, I’m still cringing that I typed it all out..but really, thats what VSB is about…therapy
@Sonri,
Isn’t this the background plot to Hitched?
@Dorian G., I dont know, I’ve never seen it.
@Sonri,
My bad i meant Hitch with Will Smith
I thought every black woman has seen that movie
@Dorian G., what makes you think I’m black??:/
@Sonri,
Thats usually my default race for this site. If you’re not you gotta lot of black tendencies (ie. southern swag) so you should have seen that movie with your homegirls (who I’m sure are black) anyway.
@Dorian G., silly assumptions
@Sonri,
Wow, mid reverse Cowgirl in college. Maybe I’m a slow learner.
@shhwhisper, as I said “so ashamed” lol
@Sonri,
Why did a slightly modified version of this happened to me? And I can not even claim youth.
Oh! And there were balconies and 2nd story apartments involved.
*smh*
@Ms. Sula, Oh Man! Do tell!!!
@Sonri,
Maybe I should share that one… If I can muster the patience to recount all those details.
*just thinking of this mess makes me shake my head*
@Ms. Sula,
or you could be like me and attempt to keep them d@mn skeletons locked up… LMAO
i have my share of wild stories… crazy relationship stories… ehh… not so much (except the one i already shared the J/O sitch)… but Dumb Chick Why Aren’t You Dead Yet… PLENTY!!! From the time i was 16 till i was 24 years old it was party time… i have long since given up my wild ways… ne who… i got a couple tales…
— i was once in a bar fight with my older sister, and her sister against two dudes and two females. we went to cheetahs in mckees rocks when it first opened up… we weren’t from that neighborhood so it was new. I was already DRUNK and the bartender wouldn’t even serve me anymore…. so we dancing and haven a good time with some dudes in the bar and these females FLIP… they were hating from the start cause we weren’t from that side of town… ya’ll know how it goes. ne who… we end up in the parking lot and we’re all scrapping — this dude is basically beating me down…. he’s tossed me to the ground like 3 times but i kept getting up – he was really looking at me like this biatch is crazy… i get up off the ground the last time and my sis finally ends up swinging the car around and we jump in. Her sis stole one of the chicks LV mules… my sis had the WORST black eye known to man… and i ended up topless and scraped up from my knees to my elbows
– i went out drinking with my dad once and picked up the bartender at the bar we were at. Literally. My dad was pissed. I dropped him off at home with the bartender in my car. the bartender ended up being a one night stand.
— ummm i once invited a male friend over for a movie. he was cool and we hung out a lot so it was no big deal… at this point in the relationship i had stopped sleeping with him but i guess we were cool again… so we were hanging out. at some point in the evening he excused himself to go to my bathroom and came back into the room buck balled nekkid…. i subsequently laughed and told him to put his clothes back on… the evening didn’t end too well..
i think that’s it 4 now…
@pgh muse,
This…”– i went out drinking with my dad once and picked up the bartender at the bar we were at. Literally. My dad was pissed. I dropped him off at home with the bartender in my car. the bartender ended up being a one night stand. ”
Is unacceptable. On every level. Ya doing too much!
@Dom,
Yeah…I said the same thing…daaaang…
@Dom,
lol… I would have to agree, in my grown woman maturity. But my father and I never had the typical father / daughter relationship so at the time what he thought was irrelevant. He got home safely… But I was legal and he couldn’t tell me nuthin.
@pgh muse,
“my father and I never had the typical father / daughter relationship ”
Okay that makes things different then.
In my mind, I was like my Dad woulda beat my grown arse…lmao
@Dom,
I would disown my daughter if she ever did this.
@eff yo couch,
Awww Eff, he was alright… he was hot at the moment but he got over it. Really.
@pgh muse,
Did you tell him about the one night stand, tho?
@eff yo couch,
He!! NO!! I didn’t say anything and he didn’t ask… u know. Don’t ask, Don’t tell. I don’t think I’ve ever gone back to the bar either…
@pgh muse,
“i went out drinking with my dad once and picked up the bartender at the bar we were at. Literally. My dad was pissed. I dropped him off at home with the bartender in my car. the bartender ended up being a one night stand.”
This reminds me of the time I picked up a guy while sitting in the Wendy’s drive thru w/my dad. Dude was a car ahead of us and I kept flirting w/him using his side mirror. Then he signed…SIGNED his number to me in the damn mirror and I put that ish in my phone, while my Daddy just sat there in utter amazement. He said “I don’t believe what in the sam hell I just witnessed…”. I was like “Daddy, yo’ baby girl is somethin’ like a PIMP!!
That old codger just shook his head. What a touching father/daughter moment.
@PBG,
Lol! Daddies never like to think that their baby girls could be getting some
@pgh muse, but Dumb Chick Why Aren’t You Dead Yet… PLENTY!!! From the time i was 16 till i was 24 years old it was party time… i have long since given up my wild ways… ne who… i got a couple tales…
LMAO me too…but this i went out drinking with my dad once and picked up the bartender at the bar we were at. Literally. My dad was pissed. I dropped him off at home with the bartender in my car. the bartender ended up being a one night stand.
Is so wrong and so funny…LMAO!@!!
@Shay-d-lady,
Girl. My dad didn’t even say anything about it the next time we talked either… he just kept it moving lol..
@pgh muse, thats better in my mind than if he would have requested details!
@Shay-d-lady,
Absolutely… At the time my dad was more like a down on his luck friend than my dad… but those are tales for another day…
@pgh muse, Nekkid man strikes again!!!!!!!
@pgh muse,
this wasnt a bartender at nat’s or cj’s, was it?
@The Champ, No… worse! But it was years ago and I’m not telling the spot. that will be a bone that will have to be PRIED outta my closet.
@pgh muse,
*** with my bar fight story I have to share that A) I kept getting up during the fight cuz i was too drunk and dumb at the time to realize that i was getting my azz beat… and B) the funniest part of the story was the stolen Louis Vuitton mules (this was like early 2000′s and fake Louis was rampant and HOT in pgh)… my sister’s sister was holding them out the window as we sped away taunting the chick singing”I got your shooooeeeesss… aaaahaaa!!”
i have to ask this, does the Naked Man every actually work?? so many stories today involve dudes getting their Naked Man on and i’m slightly surprised by this b/c i can’t think of a time i’d ever actually try that.
though, i’ve heard plenty of stories from female friends of mine where they’d tell me that some dude they were with just pulled his johnson out like…”so, whats up?”
i really just thought the Naked Man and his derivatives were all myths…
how often does this happen to women and is this just something every woman should expect to happen at least once?
and for the dudes…have you all ever done that???
Perhaps this was an entry by itself…lol
@Panama Jackson,
“i have to ask this, does the Naked Man every actually work??”
Yep, it works 2 out of 3 times, lol.
@RedBeanzNRice, kind of set myself up for that one didn’t i?
@Panama Jackson,
Yep, you sure did, lol.
@Panama Jackson,
unfortunately some
foolsmen think that mess is sexy, but it’s so quite the opposite and on the 3 occasions it happened to me, I laughed hysterically (read: tears falling and everything), started texting my girls to dish and went home/back to my dorm/to my homegirls house.Busting out the bathroom/bedroom in all your glory is a sure fire way to end your night pissed off and embarrassed.
@Panama Jackson,
I thought it was just a myth too, thats what made the HIMYM episode so dam* funny. Never happened to me but I would probably laugh uncontrollably if it did.
And of course dude would never live it down cuz I’d tell everybody I know, including my grandma.
@Panama Jackson, i can see if he’s unattractive or out of shape or something, but why is a naked man ‘not cool’? i’m listening…
@Miss Patterson, there’s nothing “not cool” about a naked man (if you’re a woman), but the Naked Man is what I’m talking about.
this was out lined in an episode of How I Met Your Mother, where a completely self-aware cat determined that if you know that you have no chance for further romance with a chick, you may as well just get naked and wait for her to come in to the room and 2 out of 3 times it will result in getting some. essentially as a sympathy f*ck.
@Panama Jackson,
I’ll admit I’ve done that a few times. I would hold my head in shame, but I with a 100% success rate, I have have nothing to be ashamed of. Of course every chick I did that too, I had already had relations with. I’ve never done that to a total stranger . . .yet. I guess that will be something I have to put on my bucket list. lol
def not a myth. had the Naked Man and his derivatives happen to me on more than one occassion. 0% success rate. i don’t play that ish. if i wanted you naked, i woulda helped you get there.
@Panama Jackson, Apparently somewhere down the line the Nekkid Man bit worked and since it worked for them, they just ran with it…..
@Simply Complex,
I, too have been Nekkid Manned. My response was a gas face and a quick exit.
I think Nekkid Man’s success is totally dependant on the size of his nekkid equipment. 6″ gets you laughed out of a room, but 12″ turns into one one those “true stories” in the back of Playboy. heh,heh.
@Lil’T, I would respect a dude more if he sweet talked me out the panties, but dude just coming out butt @ss nekid and expecting me to fall to my knees and start the cranium? Naw man….your peeniwally is not reason enough to make me give up the sweetness.
@Lil’T,
6? gets you laughed out of a room, but 12? turns into one one those “true stories” in the back of Playboy.
mmmmm mmmm mmmm a big “d” will get a sista every time. I am personally in big “d” rehab…
@Panama Jackson,
I thought I’d cut and paste my earlier comment about “nekkid man”.
I saw that episode!!!!
I also had a kat try the nekkid man.
I had went to go to bathroom at his place after dinner and I come out and this nuh is chillin’ nekkid on the couch.
I walked right over to the couch, got my purse and walked right out to the car.
No 2nd date.
@Panama Jackson
The Naked Man DEF exists. Once me and my girls were in Miami. Two of the chicks wondered off to the hotel suite of some guys. One of the chicks called us to come rescue her. We roll in the joint to get her (other chick is in a back room getting her back blown out – different story for a different day). The friend of the back blower lures us to the bathroom to check out the jacuzzi. The jacuzzi is a bathtub with green water in it. He proceeds to get naked in front of us, I swear in 2 seconds. His dyck was nonexisent, to the point where I don’t think anyone even actually saw it. We laughed till we cried as we completed the rescue and walked out with our girl.
@Panama Jackson,
Real talk I was in the bp on the corner by my place n there was this lovers quarel going on by the fridges. She was like gone some where I really ain’t that into you (but she was scared cuz he was talking loud). Then he blurts ‘YOU WANT ME TO PULL MY BALLS OUT RIGHT HERE CUZ I’LL DO IT’ Yo I dropped my Arizona orange like some one had just pulled a gun and was gone kill everyone in that piece. Then I bust out laughing in my head.
It took me this long to remember something, but here’s my story:
When I was about 18, my mom and I went to the school that would later become my college for a tour. We took the amtrak to get back to NC. I have really long legs, so sitting in the regular train seat got to be slightly uncomfortable, so I headed to the food car, where the seats are bigger, and you can stay in there and look out the window daydreaming for the duration of your ride.
So I get to the food car, and all the seats are taken. I start to turn around and go back to my seat, when this guy around my age asks me if I’d like to sit with him. He seemed harmless enough, so I said sure. I sat there for a few hours with him, we ended up playing cards, and talking about music, blah blah blah. It turned out that he lived in Raleigh, which was only about an hour away from where I lived at the time, so we exchanged phone numbers.
Now. After a few hours I guess Keith (that was his name and shyt) felt comfortable expressing to me how much he liked me. After all, my mom had come to the food car to get a bottled water and he met her, so I guess he felt like fam. He asks me if he can play a song for me, a la Darius in Love Jones. I say sure. The song he picks is “Sweet Love” by 112.
I start getting nervous. Then he asks me to look under the table. Being stupid (and virginal), I do.
His johnson is greeting me with a big strong how do ya do.
I just look at him like a moron.
Then he’s like, why dont we go to the bathroom real quick and work this out? I say something akin to the lyrics in “Let’s Wait A While”, and he chills out.
Eventually we get to Raliegh, and before he gets off the train, he excuses himself to go to the bathroom. As soon as the coast is clear, I go in his backpack, take out the paper with my number on it, and throw it away.
He comes back, hugs me, whispers in my ear that he’s definitely gonna call, and then gets off the train and disappears from my life forever.
G’day, Keith. G’day.
@8th Wonder,
keith was moving to fast. You never pull your johnson out in public unless your drunk. He should have just cut a few holes in his pockets and ask you to reach in there!!!!
@8th Wonder,
Now that’s just downright unsanitary! All at the food table wit his jr. just winkin, wavin and salutin. You shoulda called his number and told his mama on him, lol.
@8th Wonder,
wow… That IS crazy!!!
ohh my lordy.
@8th Wonder,
I actually have a story just like that but its on a plane and it ends in the opposite direction.
@8th Wonder,
Keith was WAY outta order e-twin!
My silly a$$ would have told him to wait at the table, while I went to get a cup of coffee (slightly over-filled of course).
After I was done with him, he would NEVER AGAIN IN HIS LIFE think that sh*t was okay…
I have a few messed up stories, but this is one that I NEVER put on my site. I used it onstage doing stand-up though. It’s the reason I stopped messing with “brown bags” and internet chicks whose pictures look suspect.
I ended up making plans with this chick from Blackplanet back in the day when people were still on there, and went to pick her up from her building. I waited, and saw this big girl walking out of the building. She said “Leon!”
My mind said “I BEEN SET UP!!! HIT THE GAS!” Alas, it was too late, because she was already opening the door(didn’t have power locks). Her photos were her, but her 3 years and countless trips to Wendys prior to climbing her big ass in my jeep. So I tried to be nice, and eventually we went somewhere nice and low profile to get some food & drinks.
While taking shots, she started talking about her head game, and offered to pick up the check. After awhile, I just said “F*&% it. No one will ever know.” Bad idea.
When I took her home, she invited me upstairs…and big girl BROKE ME OFF! I will give her this: her head game was some of the best ever…but I guess when you rely on Blackplanet photo treachery to lure men to your place, you have to make up for it somehow.
So afterwards, I felt a little dirty, knowing that I shouldn’t have done it, and went downstairs. Little did I know, karma had a surprise waiting: Someone had stolen my Jeep! I had to go BACK up to the den of iniquity that was her apartment and call the police to report it. When the officers arrived, one of them looked at me, then looked at ol’ girl sprawled out on the bed looking like a beached whale, looked back at me and just shook his head. I knew that HE knew that I planned on making a quick and seamless escape, but God showed up in the form of PG County car thieves to teach me a stern lesson about brown-bagging.
The sad thing is, I REALLY have to think about whether or not I have any stories worse than this! Is a threesome with a friend of mine’s lesbian sister and her best friend worse? IDK…
@ListenToLeon,
this is hilarious…
@ListenToLeon,
Wow. So you think God punished you because you screwed a fat girl? *scratches head in confusion*
@RedBeanzNRice, It’s more about me settling for some easy head when I know I wasn’t interested in her. I mean, the fact that I was a welterweight, and she was up in the heavyweight division didn’t help things…but I wasn’t discriminating on that sole basis.
I don’t even know why I’m explaining this…The moral of the story is simple: I should have followed my first instinct and hit the gas pedal once I saw I’d been hoodwinked and bamboozled by “the angles” online!
lol
@ListenToLeon,
“I don’t even know why I’m explaining this…”
To help a clueless sista out, lol. And thank you. : )
@ListenToLeon,
I love the story because it feels good to know that I’m not the only on that has been hoodwinked by Black Planet.
@eff yo couch,
u know you have to expound!
@pgh muse,
I basically have the same story minus my car getting jacked. It was my first (and last) big girl too. Her fun box was pleasantly warm, but all the rolls of fat on her body was an eyesore
@eff yo couch,
lol… big girls need love too
@eff yo couch, that site was crazy! I got my Masters in “Acceptable Online Decorum” from Blackplanet. That place allowed me to bear witness to just how much ONE SITE can lead to so many offline stories of mayem…and outright COMEDY!
@eff yo couch, shyt I got an associate that still pulls the angles game on my space…..
@ListenToLeon,
“Her photos were her, but her 3 years and countless trips to Wendys prior to climbing her big ass in my jeep”
*sniggling*
@ListenToLeon,
LOL this story hits close to home
@ListenToLeon,
lmbaoooooooooooooooooooooooooo
i am so glad i’m in east jesus
@ListenToLeon
hehehehe.
So did they recover your jeep?
@ListenToLeon,
WHY MUST I CRYYYYYY too funny my man too funny
y am i the only one who seems to be slightly affronted at the underlying idea that there is something “wrong” with sleeping with a big girl? yea… coz ur banging models every night. whatever
the only story i have that would qualify actually happened so recently (last spring/summer) that i can’t really re-tell it yet. i need to wait at least 7 more months before i’m comfortable fully sharing it and sh*t.
btw, just in case anyone was wondering, yeah, you’re right. i did just leave a paragraph long comment explaining why i can’t comment.
@The Champ,
BOOOOO!!!!
@The Champ
::HURLING tomatoes at the stage::
Where is Sandman when you need him?
My first cougar. It started about a month and a half ago. At the time, I had a buddy from my undergrad school living with me while he was on coop at the job I’d gotten him. We were driving to Giant Eagle to buy groceries when we pass some bilboard that said something about dormont dating. Anyway, somehow, speculation on who would use that service and whether it was even real wound up on cougars and I made the statement that cougar season is over.
I told him the cougars hibernate during the winter and one is not likely to run into any till Februrary. Anyway, by the time we get to Giant Eagle (I only shop at the one in Bethel Park, all others [excepting the one in Squirrel Hill] are a bit too ghetto/redneck/slightly unkept for me). A couple days later, it’s a Friday night and I head out (can’t remember why) alone in the southside and after visiting a couple places, I end up at Jacks (I know why, but that’s a whole other story).
So, it’s been a slow night and at this point I’m just wanting to chill, have a couple drinks, and be entertained by whatever tomfoolery will occur around me. So, I’m sitting there, nursing my Guinness, next two two guys at the end of the bar (in the back room). A couple girls come up, order drinks, and start making eyes at the guys. Eventually, one of the guys goes over there, makes some conversation, and brings one of the girls over to chat. Then, the interesting stuff began.
A slightly older woman (mid-late 30s but still looking pretty good) had come in with a less fortunate friend. I wasn’t paying attention besides noticing them in the periphery when they first got in, but by this point, woman (we’ll call her Coug from now) is a bit buzzed. So, Coug goes up to the free guy, and tries to get him to dance (Jacks has been playing some 70s and 80s rock and other music). He resists, and Coug enlists aid of the chick who is there to convince the guy to dance with her. Chicks friend comes in, and they both tease the guy. He gamely goes off and dances, then returns (to the waiting company of chick 2).
Coug attempts to get them to dance some more, but they flat out refuse. She then notices me sitting there and asks me if I saw what happened, and he’s just refusing because he’s trying to get the younger girl. I just raise my eyebrows (I’m good at non-verbal communication stuff, especially with my eyes) and nod. Coug moves away, probably gets another drink, finds an older guy to dance with, and I return to my Guinness. A few minutes later, she’s back. “What’s wrong, you don’t seem like you’re having fun?” I respond, she tries to impress me with her psychological insight into my mood, then makes it her mission to cheer me up.
So, before I know it, I’m dancing with her. We do a few songs before I start hearing about how it’s her first time being out in a while, separation from her husband, how “respectful” I’m being. More dancing leads to kissing, then her buying me another Guinness and more of the same. At some point, I get introduced to less fortunate friend, we have another drink, then they’re leaving. It’s actually near closing, and about 5-7 minutes later, I decide to head home . . . and run into them outside the front door chatting with the cop. Coug says “here’s the guy I was telling you about, he’s going to walk us to our car” and starts walking away with me.
Coug asks where I’m parked (8 blocks away – I’d started the night elsewhere and did not anticipate ending at Jacks). Coug offers to drive me to my car. So, we (Coug, myself, and less fortunate friend) get into her Cherokee and drive over there. Meanwhile, she fishes out a pad and a pen and gets my details. We get to my car, and Coug has mentioned that she’s staying at some hotel this weekend (by way of explaining her huge purse that apparently has a bit of everything in it) and that if she doesn’t stop (reaching back to touch me) she’s going to end up taking me back with her. Less fortunate friend just sits there and tells stories of stuff they used to get into.
Anyway, we get to my car, I get out, then say “I don’t think I can drive home, can you give me a ride”. Coug says sure. I hop back in, and we’re nice and drop off Coug’s friend first. Then since Coug knows the way back to the hotel better than how to get to my apartment, we make the smart decision to go there instead.
It’s now around 4am, Coug and I are in round two, when suddenly the door opens. Apparently (and I find out a bit of this story afterwards), Coug’s husband found out where she was staying, talked the guy at the front (who didn’t see us enter because the rooms are separate from the night desk area) into giving him a key to surprise his (estranged) wife. So, we’ve got a guy go from meek faced with flowers in hand to angry red faced (and coincidentally necked).
The man proceeds to assault and batter my fist with his face and a bit afterwards, Coug calls me a cab home.
@kamakula, Nekkid man strikes again!!!! (Hopefully this will be my last bulletin)
@Simply Complex,
All this talk of the showing up naked is encouraging me to do that shyt tonight!!!! Hopefully I’ll still have a perfect success rate come tomorrow morning. It’s one of the few things I pride myself on. lol
@eff yo couch, Yes, take pictures and report back on Monday with your findings. I must get to the bottom of why this is a tactic, and sadly why it works more often than not! I expect your report on my desk Monday morning at 9am….SHARP!
@kamakula,
WHOA!!!!! How scary is that?!?! btw.. the Market District Giant Eagle in Shadyside is nice too…
@pgh muse, so is the one near ross park mall.
at least it was 2-3 years ago. i really just wanted to chime in…
@kamakula, LMAO!!! So he showed up naked? With flowers? AND got his @ss beat!
Man…That sounds like an R. Kelly song! “Trapped in the Hotel Room, part 36″ or something…
“The man proceeds to assault and batter my fist with his face…”
LOL Kamakula, I heart you.
@8th Wonder,
I’m almost afraid to reply to this
We’ll talk later, lol.
LoL, now I know what tall the naked stuff is about, let me clear up some stuff. . .
I meant red necked, that was the implication in that sentence lol.
You guys had me wondering for the past hour what naked dudes had to do with my story (aside from myself).
“Meanwhile, she fishes out a pad and a pen and gets my details. ”
She was DEF a cougar.
How’s your face? Has it healed? You need Luuvie to help you out? That’s probably what you get for stepping out on her.
@V Renee,
Did somebody slap me when I wasn’t looking? What happened?
On a related note, I did not step out on Luvvie. I maintain that I did not have ‘relations’ with that woman!
My bad kamakula. I read this statement wrong “The man proceeds to assault and batter my fist with his face ”
One last question, if you didn’t have “relations”, what about this line: “It’s now around 4am, Coug and I are in round two”
Were you guys playing putt putt in the room?
@V Renee,
I was talking about the incident which may or may not be causing some estrangement between Luvvie and myself.
@kamakula, don’t worry i got your back babe. for everyone’s information, kamakula was helping me with a very difficult outfit. i happen to be a professional chamber maid and our company insists that i wear fishnets. Luvvie, you gotta believe me gurrl. i ain’t tryna take your boo!
And of course I, being the VSB that I am, educated in many things including coincidentally the fine art (and indeed, it is an art, not a science) of inspecting chamber maids to ensure that they’re in tip-top shape, fit for any necessary service.
That is all. Just rendering my services in a professional (in three states and counting, official) capacity.
This happened in college
I once told a boy that I wanted to bed him, that the sole reason I was even talking to him was because I wanted to bed him. I had sought him out been watchin him for a bit noting who he interacted with to get close to him yada yada yada.
He was ver surprised with my candor, before the bedding was to take place I told him there were rules if this actually were to take place and the primary rule was that if it happened WE WERE NEVER TO SPEAK AGAIN, NEVER! (I was on some power trip I don’t even know why I made that a rule). So the time came we did the do and I went about my business, the next time I saw him was at a party at a local college, I saw him and kept walking, he kind of followed me throughout the party most of the night, then finally I walked right by him (unintentionally) and he grabbed my arm and was like “oh You aint speaaking to me”. I looked at him dead in his face and said, “excuse me, do I know u?” He laughed all the while still holding my arm. At this point a few men took notice that this young man kind of had me hemmed up, so this one Q and this other Alpha come over and are like “yo dude you need to loosen ur grip” the Alpha asked me if there was a problem and I replied “I don’t know him he must got me confused with someone else”. Well as u can imagine now, all the alpha’s and Q’s were over in the area investigating what was going on ” cause dude started to make a scene, talkin bout “you don’t know me, what about when we were together” well needless to say I pulled a Judas and denied him twice more whereupon he was promptly escorted out of the establishment by like 15 guys. It was not a pretty sight. I thought they were going to kill him and I felt embarrassed for him. To this day the only people that knew about our arrangement was me one of my line sisters and dude. I think he transferred schools cause I don’t remember seeing him again
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Dayum.
I guess I will stop drive by commenting and actually participate in share time.
Scene: Southern california around 2005. I had moved back home after transferring from my school for financial reasons. While living at home I went to school part time and had 3 jobs with one being a fulltime office manager.
One fun filled weekend I managed to pull about 5 dudes…which is good for me… I mean I usually pulled 2 or 3 but I must have been on that weekend…cuz I had a date every single day of the following week.
So after going out Mon, Tues and Wed… monday decided he enjoyed himself and wanted to go out friday night as well. I told him I was otherwise engaged and could go out saturday. He said ok.
So Friday, monday dude is big time blowing my phone up about the date set for saturday. I figure by the end of that convo I wouldn’t hear back from him til Saturday afternoon right. So I’m out with Friday dude and I see Tuesday dude out and he look at me, what I imagined to be like shock, only to find it was shock but not for me. Friday dude was Tuesday dudes cousin whom of which he hadn’t seen in like a year and as they finished catchin up it dawned on Tuesday dude that Friday dude was out with me and he promptly put his cuzzo up on game. Which didn’t bother me, cuz I didn’t really like either of them, but apparently Friday dude was feeling me and decided he was gonna stake his claim. This did not fair well for me b/c Monday dude started blowing my phone up something crucial. So I answer it and he’s like where are you what you doing and all this ish and me being short of temper tells him the truth…that I was on a movie date at the Town Center in Long Beach. Do you know this fool showed up at the Town Center, boys in tow, looking for me! It’s a good thing I saw him before he saw me and promptly suggested to my date that we go Roscoes. While walking to the car, monday is calling me and Friday dude is looking at me sideways like “who the hell is calling you so much”. So Friday finally asks who’s calling and I tell him that this guy I went out with one time has lost his mind and is stalking me cuz he showed up to the town center looking for me. So Friday freaks out and was like I thought you didn’t have a man, you lying, etc. Me not being one to tolerate the bisharsedness of his attitude said good night and walked to my car, called my cousin and was making plans to go chill with her cuz I wasn’t planning on going home with crazy stalker dude in the town center looking for me and ish. But my cousin was at the In n’ Out on the other side. I figured hell, why not. So I go over there and we eating and carrying on and guess who walks in with all his boys (read: crip gang members). He sees me, cracks a big smile and walks over. Mind you, I already filled in the crew of said events for the night. He asks if he can speak to me privately and I say I’m not going outside with you. If you wanna talk to me, we can move over a table but that’s about all the privacy you getting. So he sits down while his boys try to holla at my cousins friends. This fool says, “Baby, its cool that you was out with another dude. I forgive you. I let you do it this one time, but don’t make this ish a habit. I’m not on punk dude…” And at that I laughed. Which I shouldn’t have b/c he did a Dr. Jekyll and stood up with such force that the chair flew. I jerked a lil, had my phone in my hand, dialed 911 and had my finger on the send button. He was hyperventilating and walking in circles and my cousin and her friends are looking at me like “bytch what did you do?” His boys usher him outside and he calms down, not before punching the window…so now all of In N’ Out is looking at us like “oh hell nawl…not again”. So my cousin and I decide we leaving. Going back to the crib. Dude walks me to my car apologizing for flipping out on me and then he grabs my elbow kind a strong and asks me to listen for a sec. I do, cuz I’m scared that he might hit me or something and he goes into a monologue about how he’s a reformed gang member and I shouldn’t be scared of him, that he really is feeling me and wants me to give him a chance to prove he can be a good dude, that i shouldn’t be so spoiled and stuck up and that i should be glad he gave me the tme of day. I just stared at him with a blank face. When he was done, he kissed my cheek and said he’d call me the next day. I waited until I saw his car go the opposite direction and took the longest way home. Called verizon, changed my number and transferred to Grambling the following month.
@Ro,
Thugs need love too, lol
@eff yo couch, I’m sure they do…but not from me!
@Ro,
Lawd…. this story is sooooo funny. I have had so many GREAT laughs today thanks to this site…. i will be laughing all the way to the unemployment office… but i will be laughing.
@pgh muse,
Please save me a spot on the unemployment office line.
I’ll be joining ya.
Oh, my! Y’all are too funny.
@Ro,
Dayum.
Just dayum.
Picture this: Sicily, 1963… Ok not really.
Once upon a time, there was a young lady who had just gotten out of a 3-yr long relationship. She was living in a new town, had just made some fantastic new friends and was in overall celebratory moods. So it was party as much and as hard as you can. This one particular night, her favorite girlfriend mentioned something about going out on the town with her homeboys. She could vouch for them they were sort of like her big brothers because they grew up together.
So they end up going to this boring club (it was a Wednesday night so they took what they could get). They decided (the 4 of them) to make it fun and started downing shots of 151. Why didn’t someone teach those young foolish girls of the powers of 151, I don’t know. Thing is they didn’t know better and the shots were free (ok $.75 but they weren’t paying). About 5 or more shots later, the girls are stumbling over themselves laughing silly. Now in some stroke of genius, they didn’t ride to the party. So they hop into one homeboy’s car to get dropped off.
Your heroine is in the back of the car very drunk and dozing on and off. At some point, the car slows down and she realizes they are at a gas station. She doesn’t make much of it, because she knows she lives closer than her girlfriend and therefore will be dropped first.
WRONG!! Homeboy was very slick with his. He basically told fantastic girlfriend than since our drunken heroine lives closer to him and he was afraid to nod off on his way back, it was preferable to drop her first. All this while, drunken damsel is sleeping it off soundly in the back, none the wiser.
At some point, Damsel realizes she’s asked to move upfront. Strange she thinks but oh well. So off they go in the night towards her apartment. They get to said apartment, homeboy says he wants to use the restroom. Oldest trick in the world right? Right. But he seems so inoffensive and damsel is so drunk, she actually believes his schtick and let him in. Meanwhile, she’s waiting for him at the front door ready eager for him to leave so she can get some Zz.
Dude proceeds to come out and try to convince drunken Damsel that he’s what she needs in her life. At least, chexually. Damsel drunkenly refutes his advances, stating cliched things like “she just got out of a relationship” and blah blah blah.
Long story long, Damsel falls for the game and has mind-blowing, get-out-of-here, wanton s3x with Dude. In the morning, she’s resolved that she’s finally broken her one-night stand virginity and that it would make for some great story at some point. Yeah, right.
Given that the “community” is very small round these parts, Dude finds her details and calls her. Stupid Move # 345 ensues: Damsel remembering how right the flucking was, falls for it again, especially since she doesn’t have a steady. Subsequently, they become FWBs.
Now, it’s nice and great for a while. But then, dude starts catching feelings. Upon seeing this, and being the responsible human being she is, Damsel calls everything off. Dude seems to be ok with it. Operative word: seems.
One fine evening, when Damsel was entertaining a new prospect in her apartment. Her phone starts blowing up. She doesn’t pay attention and turns off her phone. Some time later, there is some banging on the door. Interesting. New prospect looks at her like “I thought you didn’t have nobody”. So she has to give a brief history of the situation. The brief history is even more necessary because Homeboy/Dude and Damsel speak a language new prospect doesn’t understand. So whatever homeboy is saying is gibberish to new prospect rendering things even more awkward.
To make a long story even longer, Homeboy ended jumping on Damsel’s balcony trampling on her downstairs neighbors flowers to get there. And wanted to pull a Iknowthishouselikethebackofmyhand” on her. She had thought, he would do that and locked that door too. Ha!
Now Dude looking ridiculous asking to please let him get out the normal way. Her reply? Go back down the way you came up or else I call the cops.
Ninja found his way back down. And I wish I could say this was the one and only time ish like this happened as a result of this FWB but sadly no.
This my friends is a cautionary tale on the dangers of th FWB Gone Wrong.
@Ms. Sula
WOW?!?!?!
So we can all agree that ninjas be out here getting out of pocket and catching feelings?????? The power of a woman, I tell you…….it can be dangerous.
@Ms. Sula,
crazy story – but just wanted to say…love your writing style
Okay the exfiance upon realizing that I was definately done w/ her. Said she was contemplating walking in traffic. So I call her cousin who is a therpist who tells me to call her Mama n her Mama calls the police. I share the txt message w/ the police and I’m out.
N I checked up on a big gul from my space once.
I’d can’t share my best stories because feds from multiple agencies would show up my door and be fighting over who gets to drag my azz in for questioning about ish folks have done whom I have known.
Maybe I’ll share this one with ya, not exactly a relationship story but interesting none the less.
Young woman was on hard drugs and often ran into the son of a very famous politician – in a crack house. They became buddies. She got busted in a raid, went to jail, and became my client b/c she already had a baby in foster care. Of course the son of the rich and famous never did a day in jail; they get rehab while black folks get prison.
Her cell mate was also front page famous – for chopping off the head of her child and sticking it in the freezer after smoking PCP. What was especially sad is that mother had a regular job, was known as kind and loving, but on PCP became psychotic.
I’ve been busy as hell all week but working on an essay when I could about a couple in love where the man had been convicted of murder twice. I’ll probably post it late Saturday.
I know so many people who have been murdered and/or were violent and/or criminal that I have never counted them all. It’s like I don’t want to know the number. Surprisingly they seem to get more dates and partners than regular folks.
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
That is because crazy people outnumber sane MoFo’s. Always have and always will.
@Kit (Keep It Trill),
Damn.