Featured, Race & Politics

Please Stop Pretending You Have Any Clue Why Trump Bombed Syria, Because His Daft Ass Doesn’t Know Either!

Interestingly enough, the most annoying byproduct of the reign of Darth Cheeto and the gaggle of sycophantic Nazi chiltins surrounding him isn’t actually the burgeoning genre of MAGA fanfic trying to explain the unconditional support he still receives from his followers — where writers, essayists, journalists, bloggers, and reporters spend thousands of words examining them when three (IT’S FUCKING RACISM) would suffice. You’d think it would be, but it’s not. Instead, its the idea that Donald Trump — that witless collection of disrespectfully half-eaten chicken wings fused together with bear semen — is somehow some sort of scheming mastermind.

Absolutely nothing this daft shitcan has said or done in his lifetime would suggest that he’s anything but a bile-filled Muppet whose only valuable skill is walking in the direction his name is being called the loudest. But every time he says or does anything, (some) people want to act like he’s motherfucking Rasputin. As if he has any thoughts circling through that syphilitic skull of his other than golf, pussy, and bigen. As if he doesn’t have the attention span and impulse control of an infant squirrel dipped in a vat of Mountain Dew. At the time of writing, there are roughly 134813274894 different theories circulating today about why he decided to bomb Syria, when the most likely one is that he had some really good waffles for breakfast at Mar-a-Lago on Monday, and really liked the maple syrup, and kept saying “That was some really bomb syrup.” And an aid was like “Excuse me, sir? You want to bomb Syria?” And he was like “Yeah, I want some bomb syrup.” And now Syria is bombed, and Trump just fired that aid for not bringing him any more syrup.

Donald Trump, Steve Bannon, Jared Kushner — these are not exceptional men. These vile chickenhawks are just ordinary and petty White dudes with money and power. That’s it. There’s nothing to see other than what you see. Maybe they’ll cause World War III, and maybe they won’t. But stop giving these barely sentient bumbling fucks so much damn credit for being so aggressively mediocre.

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Darkchloe144

    People need to understand why things are the way they are. And somehow, thinking you understand a certain thing (in this case, international politics, war, evil in high places) makes it easier to stomach. Even worse if they act like they have all the answers, sway, when they really don’t. They’ll dress it up as an educated guess, and feel great about having reinvented, refreshed, or added to the conversation (read: nope, maybe they did not). And maybe simplifying the issue to “he’s a dumbazz working with several half-brained dumbazzes” ain’t enough for some people.

    It is for me, though. Until we can look back on this period in history with more clarity, your explanation will most definitely suffice. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b4fb7b9e641d0b2a51abc90119e138ef2aed0c2531ea7ee7c0189a6e666f926b.gif
    *When will this stop being relevant? When has it ever NOT been relevant?

  • blueevey

    This post is hilarious!

    Aside from that, anyone else see the wonderful irony is worrying about beautiful babies? Someone cried to trump and he acted, that’s all.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      We know that he’s very influenced by cable news….*concocts scheme*

  • I know why.

    Money and power. Easy.

    • Janelle Doe

      And respeck on his name?

  • KeciB

    I keep praying he accidentally stabs himself in the jugular while eating his KFC chicken with a knife and fork.

    • Diego Duarte

      It could feasibly happen. Bush nearly choked on a Dorito.

    • Wild Cougar

      I pray he falls down the steps of airforce one, breaks his hip, gets infected bed sores and dies of sepsis. Daily.

      • KeciB

        That’s perfect.

      • Phoebe Cohen

        YES!

  • LifeDelishUs

    He bombed Syria because it was the one thing President Obama didn’t do and for good damn reason. But in his attempts to reverse EVERYTHING our last real President did, he has officially stepped in a pile of diseased diarrhea that he will never be able to scrap off his shoe. In addition to all the other idiotic, imbecilic, and straight up ridiculous things he’s done in that last, what, 4 months (geez…) he’s now started us down a path that’s going to be paved with the bones off hundreds of thousands of innocent lives. I literally can’t watch anymore…

    • Alessandro De Medici

      No offence, but Obama bombed the hale out of Syria…he just didn’t do it immediately after the first chemical attack.

      https://static.independent.co.uk/s3fs-public/styles/story_medium/public/thumbnails/image/2017/01/19/10/bombs-obama.png

      • LifeDelishUs

        True. But none were direct attacks on the Assad regime. These bombings were (supposedly) related to ISIS and other “terrorist” activities in Syria. Now what the US says it does and actually does in the Middle East are two different things, but this is the first known and acknowledge use of US military force against the government of Syria.

  • Brooklyn_Bruin

    Were there any Russian advisors on the scene? That’s what I want to know.

    • BrothasKeeper

      Drumpf called the trap house real quick and told the Russians the battering ram was coming through.

    • Hugh Akston

      Advisors? He knows everrryyyytaaaannnggg

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Russian peeps on the ground means that we attacked Russian soldiers…. *ominous*

    • LadiDD

      I really don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist…but…

      I have a feeling Russia had a hand in the gas attack knowing damn well USA might pull something stupid like this.

  • LadiDD

    YT on Book of Face Man: “Yeah but Hillary said…”

    Me: Hillary is not in office you dumb, entitled f^ckface!

  • Spicy Kas
  • I’m a Syrian-American. I watched Darth Cheeto say how “horrible” it was that “beautiful babies” were dying, and wanted to vomit. Yeah, fucktard. Those are the same “beautiful babies” you won’t let into the country. Don’t tell me you suddenly grew some empathy. HA.

    • nillalatte

      Right?! >:|

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    • Lara

      Not letting someone into your country does not mean you hate them and wish them harm. I doubt you’d want me in your house, but as long as you leave me alone, I don’t care.

      • Cheech

        Shut the fuck up, Boris.

      • noan

        So, your argument is that you don’t hate those innocent little babies getting gassed by the Assad regime… but that doesn’t mean you want their filthy, war-torn parents bringing said precious babies here, because, “I don’t want them in my house!”

        • Lara

          Calm down. It would probably be impossible for me to immigrate to a lot of nice countries. I don’t believe the citizens of those countries hate me. They are just looking out for their own citizens first.

        • Lara

          Maybe you should get on a plane and go offer your help to the people of Syria. That would certainly be more valuable than commenting here.

          • noan

            Again with this bullshit.

            No, I don’t need to be going to a war-torn country getting gassed by their leader to make a point. You seem to think that allowing Syrian refugees into this country is equivalent to putting them in your house. It’s a bullshit argument that I’ve seen the Right whining about, and they (and apparently you) just loooooove to fire back with, “well if you love them so much, why don’t you marry them!”

            For the record, no. I would have no problem with Syrian refugees living in my neighborhood. I’d prefer it if they didn’t have to come here, but hey, I’d prefer it if the world wasn’t a messed up place, too. I’d rather help people in need than pretend that it’s not my problem. Yes, fucking liberal here, and proud of it. I also served in the Army for five years and saw how jacked up some places in this world are.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              Noan,

              If you’re ancestors are not Native American, you really don’t have a leg to stand on. Everyone, except for the African Slaves, came here to escape something.

              If I use your house analogy, I’ve “invited” you into my house and now you are dictating who can and can’t visit my house.

              • noan

                Sigma_Since 93,

                Huh?

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  It’s really not that hard noan…

                  Q: Are your ancestors Native American?

                  If yes, you have a legitimate gripe over who comes to this land

                  If no, stop complaining and afford others the same opportunity your ancestors took advantage of

                  • noan

                    *winces*

                    Apparently it is, Sigma.. because nowhere did I say anything about not letting Syrian refugees into this country, nor did I suggest that they, or anybody else, ever be allowed to enter this country. A point that I think you somehow read into when reading my comments, but I’m not sure as to why.

                    I was arguing with the troll, Lara. And she was putting out there that, “if you liberals are okay with refugees coming into this country, why don’t you put them up in your home?” I countered that her argument was, among other things, as stupid as saying that old saw we used to say as children, “if you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?” I have zero problems with Syrians, Iraqis, Pakistanis, Mexicans, Indonesians, or other brown people moving into my neighborhood… so long as they are decent neighbors, which I think is a fair hope.

                    You seem to think that I haven’t any say in the matter unless I have ancestry founded in the Tribes of the Nations, which I would argue against as well seeing as European settlers have done a fantastic job of exterminating them. No, I think I have some say in who comes into the country I currently live in. Mind, my stance seems to be the same as yours on that, but your argument is rather… spurious. You seem to think that only people who lived here longer than other people who lived here have a say, and I’d call that non-sense. You live here? You’re a citizen now? You should have some say in who comes here.

                    So, yes. It IS that hard, Sigma.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      Yes I’m a “citizen” since I was born here. The basis of the founding of the country is flawed; America was a takeover pure and simple. The concept of owning the land was foreign to the Native Americans and that loophole in rationale was exploited big time.

                      What baffles me is that I see lots ethnic groups that came over as immigrants now want to prevent others from doing what their ancestors and relatives did. At a minimum, I always defer to the natives of this land when folks begin to spout off about immigration.

                    • noan

                      So, still confused what your beef is with me about it.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      We’re good.

      • AOM

        If you were in desperate need of help and knocked on the door, you’d hope the homeowner would answer and let you in, no? Or are you saying I should slam the door in your face and watch you die from my window?

        • Lara

          We aren’t talking about a one time thing There are seven billion people on the planet and many of them want to move to the U.S.. This certainly won’t be the last conflict.
          I’m not very well liked around here, so I expect many people would not want me in their house.

          • Leslie Gray O’Neil

            Girl, shut up. No, many people do not want to move to the US. Net migration has stabilised,
            Fun fact: most refugees flee to the nearest country to them. Lebanon will have a far higher population of Syrian refugees than the USA.

            • Lara

              Many Syrian refugees showed up in Europe last year. Many of them were fighting age men. Do you read the news?

              • Zil Nabu

                Depends on what you define as news.

              • Leslie Gray O’Neil

                I live in Europe, goofy.”Most were of fighting age.” What, you mean professional men (most were of middle classes because that’s who could afford to come) and that nothing has actually happened? Or you mean that men came first, because that’s generally what happens- men come, get jobs and then send for family?

                • Mary Burrell

                  Don’t feed the troll we try to ignore it.

                  • Leslie Gray O’Neil

                    Thanks for letting me know!

                    • Mary Burrell

                      You are welcome it’s an annoyance.

          • Namia

            Many people want to move to the US!!! funniest thing I have read in awhile

          • Tlholohelo Makatu

            Don’t get it twisted; in recent times, the US is not looking like a desirable place to move to.

      • NonyaB?

        Seriously DayMoan, what’s it going to take for you and PanaMayne to change your disqus settings to prevent those without accounts from commenting trash like miss pro-Orange Sh*tler here (see other posts for her blatantly racist and derogatory comments)? Block only works with registered accts.

        +While you’re at it, also change the setting to prevent DisqusHo ability to flagging comments based on swear words, real (commenters are adults and shouldn’t have fuck up their spelling to mention s*x) and imagined (e.g. contraction of “he” + “will” is NOT swearing). Other sites using disqus without this setting and it doesn’t harm their SEO in anyway. Plus you swear in posts, so it’s clearly not a protocol issue.

        • Mary Burrell

          Exactly something needs to be done about that lara troll please Panama and Damond please fix the settings.

    • Janelle Doe

      And the ones who have been dying since this conflict started in 2010/2011?
      Smh

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