Featured, Race & Politics

Please Stop Pretending You Have Any Clue Why Trump Bombed Syria, Because His Daft Ass Doesn’t Know Either!

Interestingly enough, the most annoying byproduct of the reign of Darth Cheeto and the gaggle of sycophantic Nazi chiltins surrounding him isn’t actually the burgeoning genre of MAGA fanfic trying to explain the unconditional support he still receives from his followers — where writers, essayists, journalists, bloggers, and reporters spend thousands of words examining them when three (IT’S FUCKING RACISM) would suffice. You’d think it would be, but it’s not. Instead, its the idea that Donald Trump — that witless collection of disrespectfully half-eaten chicken wings fused together with bear semen — is somehow some sort of scheming mastermind.

Absolutely nothing this daft shitcan has said or done in his lifetime would suggest that he’s anything but a bile-filled Muppet whose only valuable skill is walking in the direction his name is being called the loudest. But every time he says or does anything, (some) people want to act like he’s motherfucking Rasputin. As if he has any thoughts circling through that syphilitic skull of his other than golf, pussy, and bigen. As if he doesn’t have the attention span and impulse control of an infant squirrel dipped in a vat of Mountain Dew. At the time of writing, there are roughly 134813274894 different theories circulating today about why he decided to bomb Syria, when the most likely one is that he had some really good waffles for breakfast at Mar-a-Lago on Monday, and really liked the maple syrup, and kept saying “That was some really bomb syrup.” And an aid was like “Excuse me, sir? You want to bomb Syria?” And he was like “Yeah, I want some bomb syrup.” And now Syria is bombed, and Trump just fired that aid for not bringing him any more syrup.

Donald Trump, Steve Bannon, Jared Kushner — these are not exceptional men. These vile chickenhawks are just ordinary and petty White dudes with money and power. That’s it. There’s nothing to see other than what you see. Maybe they’ll cause World War III, and maybe they won’t. But stop giving these barely sentient bumbling fucks so much damn credit for being so aggressively mediocre.

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Glo

    He bombed Syria because someone told him to. That’s pretty much it.

    • Ess Tee

      Right. Trump doesn’t have to articulate a thing (he couldn’t articulate a thing if his fortune were on the line), but he’s also not above doing what someone who he believes he can trust tells him to do.

      And if he thinks the end result will be, “They’ll see me as strong and powerful” then he’s certainly going to go along with it. All the other stuff over these past 11 weeks have shown him to be a nincompoop, so here we are–a president who doesn’t know shizz playing Battleship and Risk and Monopoly and whatever else with human lives and tax payer money.

    • Diego Duarte

      Or on a tantrum. Word is he kicked Bannon out of the security council because he was tired of people mocking him with the idea that Steve Bannon is the shadow president and he’s just a puppet. He’s petty as he11.

      • Question

        Sounds about right.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Broken clock…

    • Kat

      Nail. On head.

    • “M”
    • Lara

      Yeah. I think he was advised on this.

  • HyperSpiral

    So now that this is happening, Trump can stop fearmongering about Syrian refugees, right?

    Right?

    • NonyaB?

      The DisqusHo settings for this site are unnecessarily tight, so it flags swear words AND anything perceived as adjacent, e.g. basic words like heII and simple things like the contraction of “he” + “will”to “he’II” get flagged unless you substitute some letters for symbols.

  • Courtney Wheeler

    I swear every-time I go to bed early 45 does something that makes me stress eat.

    • Phoebe Cohen

      Eating a bagel while reading this. I just turn off cnn.

    • miss t-lee

      Between this POS being in office and my grandmother being ill my diet has been a french fried f*ckery mess all year.

      • Kat

        Keeping Granny lifted

        • miss t-lee

          Thank you. :)

          • BrothasKeeper

            Prayers and blessings to you and yours, T.

            • miss t-lee

              Preciate cha, mayne.

      • RaeRae

        Awwww…Grannies are my weak spot. Sending you love and keeping your grandmother in my prayers.

        • miss t-lee

          I appreciate that.

      • Spicy Kas

        Sorry about Granny.

        • miss t-lee

          Thx Kas.

      • A.G.

        Praying for you and your grandmother.

        • miss t-lee

          Thank you.

      • Val

        Prayers for your grandmother, T.

        • miss t-lee

          Thanks Val.

      • Mary Burrell

        Sorry to hear about your gradmother.

        • miss t-lee

          Thanks, Mary.

      • Wild Cougar

        Prayers for nana

        • miss t-lee

          Thank you, WC.

      • •Praying for her recovery, T•

        • miss t-lee

          Thanks Popz.

          • Looking4Treble

            May the Lord bless your grams’ health and your family, Miss T.

            • miss t-lee

              Thanks so much. :)

      • Mochasister

        I’m sorry about your Granny. How old is she?

        • miss t-lee

          86. She recently decided to stop her cancer treatments.

          • Mochasister

            You’ll both be in my prayers.

            • miss t-lee

              I appreciate it.

      • LMNOP

        Aw, I’m sorry your grandmother’s sick.

        • miss t-lee

          Thanks.

      • Blueberry01

        :HUGS:

      • Aye Bee

        Praying for granny

        • miss t-lee

          Thank you.

      • Zil Nabu

        I hope your grandma has a fast and complete recovery so you can have many more years with her.

        • miss t-lee

          Thank you. :)

    • A.G.

      What’s your junk food of choice? I like white-cheddar popcorn, chocolate-covered pretzels, and cookies and cream ice cream.

      • Courtney Wheeler

        puffed cheetos, reese’s peanut butter cups…kettle chips…cheddar cheese and cracker combos

        • A.G.

          Remember the Reese’s crunchy cookie cup??? Wow that was good.

      • Darkchloe144

        You got the right idea. Cookies and Cream is the truth, particularly brands that don’t short change you. Banana pudding ice cream ties for me, but I can’t find it anywhere.

        • A.G.

          Blue Bell’s has banana pudding ice cream and it was amazing. Haven’t had it since the recall/outbreak though.

          • Darkchloe144

            I know, but they never sell it up north, least not in Chicago. Such a shame.

            • miss t-lee

              Bless y’all hearts.

          • miss t-lee

            That pecan pralines and cream though!
            Crackc.

        • Mochasister

          Grater’s has BOMB cookies and cream ice cream. Unfortunately, it’s not out here on the West coast and the ice cream is good but tears my stomach up.

      • MilaXX

        Carrot cake & chocolate ice cream. I’ve gained 20lbs since November 8

        • GeeGee Conn

          15. Sigh.

      • miss t-lee

        Plantain chips, hummus and pita chips, zapp’s voodoo chips, are my current faves.

      • BatmansExWife

        Jelly Beans and DOTS

      • Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

        If it says ‘Lindt’ on it I’m not safe.

        • GeeGee Conn

          Lawddddd. I just discovered their Lindor candy bars.

          • Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

            Creme brulee!!!

      • Blueberry01

        Pizza!

    • Darkchloe144

      Power went out at 6 here, I put on headphones and napped, woke up at 10 and suddenly everything’s gone to isht again.

    • blueevey

      Don’t give him that much power. He’s not worth it. Or as someone much wiser once said, not worth the calories.

      • miss t-lee

        Might have to get this mug.

        • “M”

          This person should be a millionaire already.

          • miss t-lee

            For real.

      • Courtney Wheeler

        Accurate

    • Mochasister

      Now sis, you got to stop that. You’ll be swole like Big Shirley if you keep that up. We’re only four months in; we’ve got to hold on for four years. Or at least until he gets impeached.

      • Janelle Doe

        Who will impeach? Nunes is out. Paul Ryan looking like he is not ever ready… Dems are still trying to get it together for midterms.
        I mean, I wanna believe… Help me believe

        • Mochasister

          Like the song goes don’t stop believing!

    • cedriclathan

      Just do a pushup for every stupid he does. Like at the Army/Navy game, those dudes do a cumulative number of pushups for the whole game. Imagine the guns on your arms by the time this niqqa gets impeached!

    • ClaymoreParamore

      I live in the DC area, so basically the Capitol from Hunger Games at this point, and I don’t think I’ve been to this damn many happy hours since college (and I am not the only one). The sale of alcohol has probably skyrocketed outchea

      • Jennifer

        Girl! It’s been so stressful here. DC is just changed so much in 3 months. Looking at my wine cork holder right now. I know the quantity has JUMPED since November 8.

        • ClaymoreParamore

          Girl yes!…since the inauguration particularly the energy in the city has drastically changed. DC was already a boozy place but I would bet money that sales of alcohol (and the special herb, while it’s still semi-legal cause who knows what might happen to that legislation) have probably spiked. I know I’ve been cleaning out my bar cart lately……smdh

          • Jennifer

            It feels so drastic after 8 years of the Obama administration invigorating this city. I’ve been here since Bush 2.0, so I’ve seen the ebbs and flows. Perhaps the other side was quietly emptying out their liquor cart and planning their return during the last 8 years and I just didn’t know.

    • GeeGee Conn

      I’ve gained 15 pounds since the Apocalypse began. I feel like a college freshman all over again.

  • Brooklyn_Bruin

    Who supplied Assad with the gas? Drone strike coming?

    • Hugh Akston

      The gas?

      I have my conspiracy hat on this one

    • Diego Duarte

      Same man who killed a reporter with a deadly dose of radiation, would be my guess.

      • Cheech

        Or killed an opponent by having him stabbed to death in public.

        Or tossed an opponent from a 4th story window.

        Or had an opponent jailed, and when he got out, had someone splash him with a chemicsl that turned bus face green.

    • Epsilonicus

      USA probably

    • Alessandro De Medici

      I think Syria is advanced enough to make them on their own.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Per the nymag – “First of all, prior to the civil war, it was well known that Syria had a
        large, clandestine chemical-weapons arsenal. They had not joined the
        chemical-weapons convention, which prohibits the possession,
        manufacture, and use of chemical weapons. There were a number of
        small-scale incidents of chemical-weapons use — beginning in 2012, in
        various parts of Syria — that were starting to raise suspicions that
        Assad was using his arsenal against the rebels. And then there was the
        massive sarin-gas attack on the outskirts of Damascus in 2013.”

        I’m wondering if the delivery systems were also trivial to create as well.

  • Diego Duarte

    Read Shaun King this morning, he certainly didn’t do it because Assad gassed those Syrian children, seeing how he banned those Syrian refugees from entering the USA. If anything it was to distract public opinion from his FBI investigation and to pretend he’s not BFFs with Putin.

    In fact, they straight up called the Russians to let them know their target ahead of time, so that they could scramble their jet fighters out of there. The Russians naturally told the Syrians, so no damage was done (except to 9 civilians which died in the strike).

    And with this gullible liberals will begin to believe that Trump’s on their “side”. Tyllerson already said this isn’t going to be a new stance or a permanent policy regarding the relationship with Russia and Syria.

    • mkloughlin

      They told the Russians because it would be a huge deal to advance an act of war on the Russian military. I’d rather not be involved, but certainly don’t feel like a war with Russia. It seems like they should directly tell the Syrians to evacuate as well. “We’re destroying your stuff, but not trying to kill folks, soo…”

      I’m afraid any military action under this administration is going to be over some chest beating bullshit.

  • BrothasKeeper

    He needed the ratings.

  • Val

    The tail wagging the dog. Someone told Trump this was the best way to change the subjects that have been dogging him and his admin since he took office.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    I have been preaching this for two years. This feckless gobshite isn’t smart in the least. He’s the very definition of failing upwards.

    • Phoebe Cohen

      “Failing upwards.” That’s kind of a perfect description.

  • A.G.

    Y’all…what’s the deal with Jared Kushner? Why/how has he ascended so high in the ranks? I didn’t know he was a foreign policy expert.

    • Diego Duarte

      He’s white, rich and mediocre, just like the current president. That’s how.

      Yes, that’s it. That’s my whole explanation. I don’t have anything else to offer.

      Oh! Also, Trump really wants to fuck Kushner’s wife.

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        Good one.

      • Phoebe Cohen

        Yup.

      • Mochasister

        Shudders in disgust.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      He hit Ivana with that manischewitz game and now he’s up to his ears in it.

    • Hugh Akston

      This administration is showing us how it’s really done in the real world

      That doesn’t mean there aren’t those who ascended through their sheet of knowledge and expertise but a lot of times it’s simply a matter of who you know..but they’ll swear to you they got to that place because they’re special

      • Janelle Doe

        You know… You make a great point
        The inability to be all Frank Underwood with it is showing us how things really happen…
        (It may be the only ray of sunshine in this whole debacle)

  • What else is new. Team America World Police is still on the beat, and both parties are in on it. Yawn.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      Team Europe needs to step up ,(been had, actually), otherwise they getting immigrants and refugees.

      Just like we need to figure out how to deal with folks on this side of the globe. Maybe that war on las drogas was a mistake, as is our banks capturing the elite classes in those areas…

      • Diego Duarte

        The War on “Las Drogas” is a sham. Straight up, everyone in my country will tell you EXACTLY where 35% of the world’s cocaine is produced (VRAEM: Valley of the rivers Apurimac, Ene and Mantaro). And despite having military bases there (both from Peru and the US), drug cartels own the place.

        • Janelle Doe

          Straight up sham. I heard in the 70’s las drogas came up north in military planes
          But maybe that was a movie…
          Although similar allegations came out of opium in middle east so…

          • Diego Duarte

            No, that’s accurate. Everyone and their mothers in Peru know the military is in on this. Wikileaks even revealed the names of high ranking officials on the payroll of drug cartels. Same happens with their US counterparts.

            Alberto Fujimori, the incarcerated dictator, also was known to transfer drugs on the presidential plane. It’s not news and not a conspiracy of any kind. It straight up happens.

            • Janelle Doe

              This is some issshhh
              See, this is why I can’t watch the wire. Aside from it being too real; The focus is on the wrong end of the supply chain.

              • Diego Duarte

                That coke leaf farmers are entirely complicit in this too. I mean, yes they are poor (or rather were) but at one point you gotta wake up and realize they are supporting all these mass murders in Mexico, the US and elsewhere.

                They deliberately chase the police out went they go in to do drug raids. If I were president I’d napalm the whole lot of them.

    • I’m still convinced that white people at large are demons walking among us.

    • blkgrlMAGICALfairydust_glitter

      AMERICA FKK YEAH!! COMIN IN TO SAVE THE MUTHAFKIN DAY YEEEEAH!

    • blkgrlMAGICALfairydust_glitter
      • I resisted the urge to post that. GOOD ONE!

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