platonic shmetonic

five reasons why truly platonic friendships can never exist.they\'re definitely not platonic

1. Unless online or in college (two paradoxical universes where the usual rules and regulations of social discourse are thrown out of the window, like mop water and caustic midgets) men and women don’t actively seek friends of the opposite sex.

2. If given the opportunity, most men who aren’t in a committed and monogamous romantic relationship will sleep with pretty much any reasonably attractive woman. Yes, any. We may not actively want to, but, in the right situation, we happily would. That pesky “would” kind of has a way of always completely contradicting the whole platonic thing.

Well, what if the guy harbors absolutely no physical attraction at all towards the woman, and vice versa? A platonic friendship can occur then, right” I hear you asking, which leads us to…

3. No unattached man is going to willingly spend a good amount of his free time with a like-aged woman he is completely unattracted to. It will never happen, a fact which actually “fits”, especially when you consider that…

4. …A women (notice I didn’t use any qualifiers such as “most women” or “a typical woman”) would get extremely (read: EXTREMELY) frustrated and annoyed if made to interact regularly with a guy who found her completely unattractive. Don’t argue this. It’s science.

“Well…” the same imaginary anonymous questioner from before asks…
“…what if you have a man and a woman who are both already in romantic relationships? Why can’t a platonic friendship occur then?”

Since I’ve already established that we don’t actively seek opposite sex friends while we’re single, the only way two people in separate romantic relationships can become truly platonic friends would be if they happened to first meet each other after they both were already in the relationship, an impossibility due to the fact that…

5. …No man or woman is going to be okay with their significant other making new close friends of the opposite sex.

Note, I didn’t say you couldn’t have close like-aged friends of the opposite sex, but just don’t call that shit platonic. it’s not, and will never be.

Now, you may disagree with some (or all) of what I’ve said, but, to quote my favorite reptilian drug kingpin, Marlo Stanfield …. “You want it to be one way….but it’s the other way”

**the champ finishes his snicker and slowly climbs into a ford excursion driven by a very unkempt panama, who glares ominously at the imaginary anonymous questioner as they drive away**

–the champ

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • Wendilicious

    You know, being a life-long (to date, anyway) believer and striver of platonic friendships bewtween men and women, I have only recently come to this same conclusion myself. It’s bullshit.

    I’m now in absolute awe of the number of guys I could have but didn’t… and the number who wanted to but couldn’t… because I wouldn’t…

    God, I’m my own personal killjoy! What’s that about!?

  • http://stillaintreadyyetbutitscoming The Killa Cal

    This read like an Math corollary. It reminded me of Set Theory as a matter of fact.

    Anyway I agree for the most part, although you have to throw complicating factors like the Friendzone and whatever in there….

  • thechamp

    wendy: I want you to stay around today, just so that you can give your testimony again to dispute the people who will come here and defend the concept of platonic friendships

    killa: see, just the fact that the phenomenon known as the “friend zone” even exists says all that’s needed to be said about the questionable validity of pf’s

  • Ana Barraza

    I am going to disagree with you for two specific reasons 1. I have a platonic male friend my age and 2. if everyone agrees with you than really where is the fun in it, I love the banter.

    To my first point. My freind lets call him Kenney, (cause that is the name his momma gave him.) So Kenney once expressed his desires to bed me and once upon a time we made out but that was just our hormones; we have come to the mutual agreement that it would be in our best interest to remain only friends. Since this understanding He and I hang out and get feedback from each other about the people we are dating, have heart to heart conversations about how men suck, hang out watch football, basketball, baseball, boxing, drink at the bar. Every once in a while we call each other to catch up and have dinner. I am even his daughter’s Godmother. When I go out on a first date I text him the name, number, lisc plate (if avail),where we are going and what time I will check in with him (usually next am by 8) to make sure Im ok (times are so different in the dating world today). He knows alot of my dirt and I know a lot of his, which is why I ran some interference with his baby mama at his grandmas funeral when the woman he was dating showed up. So there is my haphazard and somewhat convoluted argument that men and women CAN be platonic friends. But I must say I agree with Wendilicious that had I known in my teens and 20’s what I know now, whew honey my virtue and reputation would be, lets just say, not as virtuous or reputable.

  • tits mcgee

    truer words…

  • thechamp

    Ana : you had me until the “express desires to bed me” part. Really, you did

    Tits: thanks, tits

  • http://stillaintreadyyetbutitscoming The Killa Cal

    See…reading Ana’s comment….I think “platonic friendships” are a figment of the female imagination that we as men deal with/tolerate to eventually break them down….or meet more of their friends….

    But if we can speak candidly here, circumstance and opportunity dictate whether a man will sleep with most women….period….

    I wonder how many people have ACTUALLY WATCHED When Harry Met Sally…that movie answers this question definitively….

  • thechamp

    killa: agree, 100%

    and please, speak as candidly as you like

  • Dr. Strangejazz

    I disagree. I’m a married man who has a couple of female friends that are physically attrractive but I just see them as friends. Some man can be friends with a woman but not all men are able to do it.

  • Keeping It Real

    Ana, you are making the mistake so many women make in thinking that a guy is thinking about things the same way they are.

    My best friend is a female. We’ve been tight for 22 years (since college). We tell each other all our business. When she goes on a date she lets me know before and after just like you do with your friend. We share all our dreams and aspirations. Hell sometimes we’re on the phone for hours. Soon after we had met in college I got involved with another girl who now is my wife. So early on my friend and I ruled out sex.

    Ragardless, to this day I still want to hit it. And if she gives me half a chance, I will. Yes, I’m considerate that she’s hesitant to go there because she’s afraid of complicating things and I respect and honor that. But trust me, she stars in my fantasies as I’m sure you to in your “friends’s.”