Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Race & Politics, Theory & Essay

Part 2: Where The Hell Are All The Good Single Black Women (No, really. I’m serious about this too. Seriously.)

Please tell them if you've seen her

Ranging from humorless and predictable (“Good black men are right in front of your noses, but you all are too busy having babies by Gucci Mane to notice“) to excessively academic (“The neglect of incorporating a Venn variance to ascertain excess noise suggests a metacognitive dissonance rendering the study obsolete“), several themes were repeatedly brought up in the comments generated by yesterday’s look at the “Where Are All The Good Single Black Men” infographic.

The theme that stood out the most to me, though  — and also seemed to cause a couple minor skirmishes — was people’s (and by “people’s” I mean “men’s“) reaction to the infographic’s latent message that women are “eligible” and relationship-worthy by sheer virtue of them being women.

Now, this isn’t the first time I’ve seen this occur. Anytime there’s any type of study or special talking about the ratio of black women to eligible black men, there’s going to be pushback by those who think that if women we’re held to the same criteria, the numbers would be a bit more even — a theory that’s both wrong and right.

I mean, as much as I want to represent for the brothas, holding women to the exact same criteria usually used to discredit us — college degrees, felony records, income, etc — is like playing Kobe one-on-one and asking him to rock a onesie instead of shorts and a t-shirt to give you a better chance. Regardless of how you dress him up, he’s still going to kick your ass.

Depressingly contrived analogies aside, there are actually some valid criteria that can be used to discredit the “relationship eligibility” of women; things that matter to men very much, and would have Fisher-Price websites running graphics asking “Where the hell are all the goodsingleblackwomen?” if they were ever given the proper attention.

Here’s a few of them.

Number of black women who cry at the end of “The Color Purple” every. single. one. of the 527 times they’ve seen the movie (approximate number: 44 in 100)

How emotionally stable can you be if the waterworks start every gotdamn time the pattycakes scene comes on? Nevermind the fact that my, um, “seasonal allegories” also always seem to flare up whenever I watch it too, you all are supposed to be The Queens and sh*t. Woman the hell up, stop acting like you’re so damn shocked that Celie and Nettie are meeting again, and try to forget about the fact that the actress who played Nettie was never, ever, ever, ever seen again.

Number of black women who’ve “dated” a professional athlete, rapper, or Barksdale in their adult life (approximate number: 27 in 100)

It disqualifies for two reasons:

1. Despite the fact that you may very well have the Killer P*ssy, none of us actually want to die because we happen to be dating you. Sure, you’re not actually dating Weebay Brice anymore, and you think we’re safe because he’s doing a quintuple life bid  at West Penn, but the nephew of his who shanks you with a sharpened Vasoline jar at a Waffle House booth probably didn’t get that message.

2. If you “dated” one of these characters and don’t have anything other than an STD and some expired Dave and Buster’s tokens to show for it, there’s a 99% chance that you were actually an adult groupie.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with being an adult groupie. They provide a service — Who else is going to entertain the entertainers? — and they always seem to know the best cheap pizza spots. But, thinking you were a gf when you were a jumpoff means that your self-awareness game is in the toilet, and how are you supposed to be trusted to decide which laundry detergent is best for our baby’s delicate skin if you can’t even label yourself?

Number of black women who refuse to have sex the week after they’ve gotten their hair done (approximate number: 31 in 100)

Considering the fact that the average black woman gets her hair done once every two or three weeks, you’re talking about having to go through mini-sex droughts for 40% to 60% of every month. That’s roughly six months of dry wang a year. No motherf*ckin bueno.

Number of black women completely devoid of hobbies (approximate number: 17.5 in 100)

And no, it doesn’t count as a hobby if you don’t sweat and/or develop carpal tunnel while doing it. So Riesling tasting, Trey Songs’ tattoo counting, and “non motherf*cking factor” t-shirt buying don’t count.

By my estimation, these numbers irrevocably prove that there’s actually -19.5 eligible black women to every 100 black men. How do you like those apples? Not as sweet anymore, huh?

Anyway, people of VSB.com: We already discussed where the good single black men might be hiding, but where the hell can you find these non-existent negative number-ass sistas??? Also, are there any other disqualifers that I neglected to mention?

—The Champ

***It’s that time again. The third installment of REMINISCE is happening this Saturday, October 1, at Liv Nightclub in Washington, DC. It’s one hell of a time as we spin the best of 90s hiphop, r&b, and dancehall. It’s FREE before 11PM ($10 after), OPEN BAR FROM 10-11PM, and no dress code. Come party with Panama Jackson since Wu Tang is here forever, MOTHERF*****S. See you then!! Here’s the Facebook invite with all the details: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=172606672819705***

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • Girl Kanyeshrug

    I don’t believe you are really serious with this question.

  • Kidsister

    How emotionally stable can you be if the waterworks start every gotdamn time the pattycakes scene comes on?

    That. right. there. has a steady stream of tears rolling down my face. TOO FUNNY! LOL

    …much like eligible bachelors are in the barber shop, I’m more than positive that’s where the eligible women are. There have been times when I got there at 6, straight from work and left at 2am.

    Also, I think a disqualifer for a woman is her body count. It’s okay for a guys BC to look like the ending score of a basketball game but for a woman, if it gets past a certain number…she can go ahead and forget about it.

  • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

    Where are the eligible sistas? Waitin on a good man or somewhere disillusioned, drinking, doing kareoke or over working herself while waitin on a good man

  • http://www.twitter.com/diva_magnifique ChaoticDiva

    Ok, so am I like non-existant because I don’t fall into one of those three above categories?

    …but then again, I can’t consider myself single when I’m (imaginationarily) married to Batman and Morris Chestnut in Saskatchewan.

    Yes, I picked them both up in a Blockbuster. Don’t judge me.

  • http://iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    WAY too many are at home, wondering where the good Black men are instead of getting out to where the good Black men (or h3ll, just other people) are

  • eye(c)ande

    We are not on stage at King of Diamonds. Well at least not since 2006…

    We are right hereuh commenting and sht

  • Royale W. Cheese

    Lol. Okay, another filter…she’s over 30 and has never had kids. It means no one wanted to reproduce with her, she pulled a Casey Anthony, or she’s lying and having her kids secretly raised by nuns. Add that number with the number of women who have kids already, who are also undateable, and you’ve got zero eligible black women over 30.

  • Kidsister

    I also think the good black women are at home writing letters/in the visiting halls of jails/having that 15 minute jail phone call to/with all the black dudes that are locked up.

  • http://zekjevets.blogspot.com Zek J Evets

    My Oakland neighbors like to joke that the reason they can’t find any good Black women is because my kosher-butt stole them.

    But then again, my girlfriend cries during The Color Purple, Love & Basketball, and even those damn Cotton commercials… So maybe she’s technically disqualified?

  • Carolinagirl27

    I definitely think there are some ineligible women out there but it’s hard to define them by the same standards as mean I think. I think being a hoodrat makes you ineligible. And I don’t mean from the hood, I mean the true hoodrats. I also think that if a woman has ever knowingly made a man pay child support for a baby that wasn’t his takes them out of the game. Also, anyone that resembles Wendy Williams cuz I think she’s rupaul’s older brother.

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