as you’re all very aware of, the very smart brothas of verysmartbrothas.com (as well as liz’s boobs) are committed to fighting crime by utilizing means such as communication enhancement, relationship metacognition, intensive hoodrat reeducation and ho saving to achieve our goals.
subsequently, you’re all probably unaware of the fact that panama and i risk our lives to provide this service, because divulging the type of information we do greatly upsets many people, especially those with neck tats and vowel-less last names
as another example of how committed we are to do and say things you won’t find anywhere else, heres seven things we (men) like much more than you think we do…even though we’ll never, ever publicly admit it
1. gossip
although most (straight) men don’t have bossip bookmarked and probably won’t spend an afternoon in a gmail group chat with our homeboys about why we’re hurt that d-money didn’t tell us about his new jamaican jump-off, we’re just as prone to the gossip bug as the typical woman is.
don’t believe me? well, go to any barbershop and listen in while we discuss the “real reason” why jay-z and dame dash don’t get along anymore or which downtown footlocker chick looks like she gives the best head. still not convinced? take a trip over to espn.com and read the endless thousand comment threads devoted to t.o.’s toenails and lebron and shaq’s first chest bump as teammates
2. romantic comedies
as long as dane cook isnt in it.
plus, to paraphrase bill simmons, what other concrete proof do we have that women are completely insane?
3. commitment
influenced by plummeting marriage rates and oprah’s hips, society has been quick to brand the contemporary man as a largely commitment-phobic monolith too obsessed with himself and his numbers to bother being tied down. we’ve played along with this line of thinking, mainly because no game guarantees guilt free panties better than “i really, really like you, but i’m scared of commitment. i really dont want to get hurt or hurt you”
the thing is, most men aren’t scared of commitment, and we actually welcome it. we’re just scared to death of committing to the wrong person.
4. shopping
whether its shoes, cars, stereo equipment, gas grills, or p*ssy, we like new sh*t just as much as everyone else, and we don’t mind making a trip to a place to purchase what we want. its just that we loathe the concept of shopping as a group and/or all-day activity, which is a diplomatic way of saying “we hate shopping with women”
5. cuddling and sh*t
we all love the cuddle. it keeps us warm, reminds us of how good you smell, and helps us honor our sandbox tenet to do what we can to get as many cheap feels per day as possible.
6. the idea of chivarly
while there are a few bitter ass bastards who’ll bitch about paying for drinks and opening doors and sleeping in the wet spot, the vast majority of men actually enjoy doing gentlemanly sh*t for women, and relish the opportunity to do so. all we ask is that its acknowledged in some form, and depending on the circumstance, a smile, a slight hip shake, or a wake-up bj will do
7. your house clothes
we just dont actually tell you this because we never, ever, ever want you to feel comfortable rocking your sweatpants & birkenstocks past a 14 inch radius of your apartment.
thats it for now. people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? also, ladies, sharing is caring. what sh*t do you secretly like that you have us all fooled about? i have my suspicions (p*rn, being “saved”, 50 cent, etc) but i wanna hear from the source. remember, its all about fighting crime.
—the champ
Personally, I hate shopping. I bulk shop about 4-5 times a year. If I must venture into a store, I usually know what I want, go in, power shop and get out. The thought of spending more than 45 minutes in a store gives me hives. Internet shopping is your friend.
As far as what you left off your list I think men secretly like seeing a woman’s hair all mussed. It makes them think of how her hair would look after chex.
On that same note, I think far more men like ‘big’ hair than they care to admit…for the same reason.
The things I think women like (or this woman) that they won’t ever admit:
- a man’s funk. Not offensive, run you out the room funk. But just enough musk to remind you that you are with a man. (this funk should not be smelled on a regular basis. Maybe after chex or something)
- a cocky arse man. Women lie and lie some more when they say they like a down to earth guy. Most women I know love a man with a huge EGO.
- his ashy hands and feet. Though it is annoying when your man can’t properly moisturize, it is also a sign that he needs to be taken care of. Women are nurturers by nature and like this.
@V.E.G.,
I definitely agree with loving a man with a big EGO.
@SimplyMe, i got a biiiiiiiiiiiiig EGO…uh uh uh…
i’ve been confused for a cocky bastard before (who’d a thunk it), and its usually the chicks who SWEAR that they that they hate cocky bastards who i’ve ended up dealing with.
then they just tell their friends
to get with my friends so we can all be friendsthat i have a lot of confidence@Panama Jackson,
There is nothing wrong with a man having a big ego. Confidence is very sexy.
But I can definitely tell (well I think I can) when a man is being TOO cocky to the point where he just seems like a liar and/or arrogant. UGH, can’t stand it.
@V.E.G., Ooooh, I hate shopping too.
@V.E.G.,
speaking for my man-ness the screwed up do goes with the around the house clothes rule listed above. Dont go outside lookin like that.
i make fun of big hair.
@V.E.G., for me its the phermones, Lord when I am attracted to a mans natural scent, it’s ON……….. and then mixed with the smell good, mmmmm it just intoxicatingly arouses me …… vice versa is true also if your natural scent repels me, there will be no happenings at all LOL
Yes I am attracted to confident men with nice size ego’s, thats the only kind thats equipped for moi’…but there is a line there, sometimes a big ego masks insecurities, cause a mofo to overcompensate…….
@OrangeStar616,
Word. I prefer big TALENT with self-assuredness over a big ego. That phrase carries a negative connotation in my head. Like no matter how fly he is, I probably know someone doing it better, so dont get cocky.
@Me fail english?, LLS, true true!!! Nicer descrip…… or BIG ability with etc
@V.E.G., I can only agree with cockinesss. Ash and musk make me want to hurl. I can admit sometimes my babe missing a few spots with the lotion, but me reminding him doesn’t make me feel more like a nurturer, its moreso like “you can’t be out in public looking pasty”. LOL
@V.E.G.,
Do ashy lips count too?
@The Champ,
Do men just let themselves go once a woman shows up? I dont remember you being all ashy and bear-like before. Why the hell do I have to put on your lotion, brush your hair, clip your nails, blow your nose, etc.?
I DO NOT find this chexy at all. I feel like dudes get girlfriends and say “Wipe my arse? FOR WHAT?! I gotsa a girlfriend now.”
Da eff?
@The Champ,
If ashy lips count, I think Gucci Mane might want your numba, V.E.G. That mofo looks like he puts on Carmax: Powdered Donut Edition.
@Cheekie,
Don’t forget Lil’ Boosie…he’s always got ish chillin’ in the corners of his mouth.
Yick.
@miss t-lee,
LMFAO @ his ash chillin’ in the corner of his mouth. Gross.
@Cheekie,
LMAO@ Gucci Mane steppin to V.E.G. in the club on some “Gucci wanna sex ya/tell me is ya inch-isted (interested)”
@Me fail english?,
You are WRONG for having Gucci spittin’ ignant bars at V.E.G.
His lips would glow in the dark at the club like ol’ dude in the Axe commercial with his glowy dandruff.
@Me fail english?,
ebff you are ignant!!! lmao
@Me fail english?,
Dead
@The Champ,
No. Ashy lips DO NOT count
@V.E.G., im NEVER cool with ash. Black men were usually raised by momma or big momma that ownwd the biggest jar of vaseline on the planet. You got greased up before you left the house. Please carry that into adulthood or carry ya ashy a$$ on please…..(aside: men, vaseline is no longer and acceptable means of bodily lubrication…step it up!)
@V.E.G.,
great list Veggie!! i hate shopping too. but mostly becuz im bad at it. i am soooo indecisive its not funny. i prefer to shop alone. becuz i hate me for my long escapades, no need to drag others down with me.
and while i hate ash (light skint folks DO get ashy *smh*), i dont mind a man who is ashy. cuz like you said, he needs to be cared for. i used to lotion my ex bf after he got out the shower. win win for all.
@V.E.G.,
On that same note, I think far more men like ‘big’ hair than they care to admit…for the same reason
i actually do like big hair, but a long as its not straight and sh*t
Oh, you guys aren’t fooling anybody on the gossip front.
@SaneN85, They sure aren’t.
@SaneN85,
Ya know! They ain’t sleek!
@SaneN85,
Word. The only ones I really didnt know was the romantic comedies (you sissiessssss!) and the house clothes.
The res? Well, we just dont throw it in your face cause we dont wanna hurt feelings. We know how sensitive yall get
@SaneN85,
fool deez
@SaneN85, see, i don’t refer to it as gossip. i refer to it as being up on pop culture knowledge.
plus, gossip to me comes with a lot of “gotcha” type sh*t. dudes, we tend to argue sh*t as matter of fact stuff.
@Panama Jackson,
I agree. It’s really just what I call “talkin’ shyt”.
Aaaawwwwww. Champ, if I wasn’t falling for my JoeCleezy look-alike, I would so totally be falling for you right now. That cuddling thing gets me ER’time…
Oh…and I, too, am terrified of committing to the wrong person. Been there, done that, got the divorce papers.
(That knucklehead left me for a stripper.)
@SexyCool,
a real stripper? Wow, this sounds like a premise for a tyler perry screenplay. I’m sorry and sh*t.
@The Champ, it wasn’t already a tyler perry movie???
oh that’s right, Rudy was a ho, not a stripper.
@Panama Jackson,
Actually, I think the term is ‘skripper’
@The Champ,
Yeah. A real one. Although, at the time he met her, apparently, she had taken a leave of absence, but went back to work shortly after he left her for me.
It’s been over 12 years ago. At this point, he and I have even become friends of a sort since the divorce. I rag him all the time about it. “You know you fcked up, right? You know you left me for a skrippa, right? You know you stoopid, right?” And because he just happy I talk to him, he takes his licks. LOL!
This many years later, talking about it almost makes it feel like it happened to someone else. Almost like a TP screenplay and sht.
“the thing is, most men aren’t scared of commitment, and we actually welcome it. we’re just scared to death of committing to the wrong person.”
This might be the single most truthful statement I have ever read on this blog.
Why the jump-off had to be Jamaican Champ? lol
Low key i enjoy watching some pr0n…….
Sometimes i prolong fights on purpose because i know the makeup will be better…..
@JamaicanGirl,
Because most jump-offs are jamaican. Duh
@A-Town Genius,
yeah, man. If you had to rank the top five things grown men are afraid of “committing to the wrong person” is right up there with “prison rape”, “being a loser”, “not being able to satisfy a women you’re really into”, and “having either an extremely unattractive daugher or a good looking hotpants one”
@The Champ, boy, you hitting all the top nightmares there. That wrong person you committed to could be that byetch taking you to the cleaners in divorce proceedings.
@The Champ, did you just write an entire post in 100 words or less??
@Panama Jackson,
LOL, i guess so
@The Champ,
Damn homie, you hit EVERY fear. That covers all of them for me.
Particularly the fine slutty daughter. Would have me in the streets catching cases.
@The Champ,
Why are men so scared of having an ugly daughter? Unfortunate, yeah. But what’s to be afraid of?
@Me fail english?,
That’s what I’m wondering. I mean, if she standing next to you and she don’t look like you, folks ain’t gonna assume she’s your daughter anyhow.
Oh, but they might assume she’s your woman. lmfao
@Me fail english? and Cheekie,
Because its the equivalent of an unathletic son. Ugly women are the bottom of the barrel of society, you would be surprised how poorly (even good) men treat ugly women. Its the same reason old racists don’t want mixed grandkids, because they know how badly they’re treated.
@Dorian G.,
Ugly women are the bottom of the barrel of society, you would be surprised how poorly (even good) men treat ugly wome
yeah. guys know how unattractive women are treated through childhood, and its not something you’d want your child to have to go through
@Dorian G.,
Gotcha. Makes sense.
It also made me sad for society…
Hatred of shopping has to be a 2520 guy thing. OK, we all hate shopping with women (stuck with them forever, their judgmental ways, etc.). But buying gadgets, digging in the crates, finding new gear to get dipped in, brothers love that…so of course we love shopping.
I’ll have to add daytime soaps to the list. It’s not that far of a reach, since wrestling and comic books basically call for the same following of plodding storylines contained within immediate dilemma-of-the-day plots. Baseball players are known to watch them before games. My cousin and one of my boys, as far from gay as a man could possibly be, both happened to follow One Life To Live.
Another is shows like 90210 and The OC. I admit to The OC, that was a funny show.
Being all vain and sh*t. Not on a metrosexual tip (though damn near)…but we concern ourselves with how we look. We’re only rough, rugged and raw when we need to be…otherwise, we’re tryna keep the kit crispy clean.
Buying for chicks we like…getting too far into sold not told territory, so I’ll stop here.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Ya know I’ve never caught the day-time soap bug, but on occassion, one may sneak up on me and catch me watchin’ “The View” or even “Oprah”. Sometimes the topics or guests are interesting and sometimes I just wanna know what’s some of the garbage is out their that these shows are peddling to the female population.
@Monk, it’s funny about The View and Oprah. The darnedest people, including many that guys care about, go on The View. And shows guys watch and listen to comment on stuff said on The View. So The View is given a pass. Now I still think Oprah is for broads, but if I was a famous guy, I would love to go on there…that Oprah Effect is one hell of a co-sign.
@Monk,
I used to watch the view just to see if rosie could get any more butch.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
“Another is shows like 90210 and The OC. I admit to The OC, that was a funny show.”
I thought it was the funniest thing when I realized back in HS that my older brother was watching 90210 and Melorose Place just as hard as I was…lmao
Now we be talking about Grey’s Anatomy.
@miss t-lee, hell, I knew ninjas who sold dope that watched Sex & The City. And I consider that right there with Grey’s Anatomy and Friends in the “pushing it” category.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
“‘pushing it’ category”
did you mean this literally or figuratively?
@Unanimous, hmmm, you might be on to something.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
I think my bro likes the drama…since his life is perpetually drama filled…lol
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Ha! Dont forget yall be liking Real Housewives and Bridezilla too. My bf won’t let me tivo it in his living room for fear that his boys’ll come over for the Sunday game and Nene will magically appear on screen. But you best believe that ish is on and poppin on the bedroom tivo!
@Me fail english?, I don’t be liking nothing like that, LOL…
though I did watch Starting Over once in my life@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Oh no! I would’ve made fun of you for that. Even I couldnt get with Iyanla and I’m a woman.
@Me fail english?,
LMAO!!! That took me back, where they heyll is Iyanla? She was all over the scene for a hot minute and then nothing. I guess once Oprah’s done with you, you’re done. LOL
@miss t-lee,
LOL. Oprah put that where? Back THERE!
womp, womp on her life.
@Me fail english?,
I just googled her for sh*ts and giggles and her wiki page is sooo sad.
@Me fail english?,
Ha! Dont forget yall be liking Real Housewives and Bridezilla too.
i think you can chalk this one up to “things me fail’s boyfriend likes that arent really universal”
@The Champ,
Chalk deez!
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Lol at “far from gay” like “gay” is an exploding death star and your cuz and boy are speeding away from it like the millenium falcon
@The Champ, Millennium Falcon reference FTW!
Speaking of gay, I wonder which is harder for us to admit to between shows that get the chick tag and those that get the gay tag?
LOL, gay tag repairman…sorry, I’m on that goofy this morning.
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
Speaking of gay, I wonder which is harder for us to admit to between shows that get the chick tag and those that get the gay tag?
this is a great question, and maybe a future vsb topic
@Stuff Ghetto People Like, i’m not ashamed to admit that i still watch 90210. every tuesday my azz is right there at 8pm.
melrose place though? not so much.
and i WAS watching The Hills and Laguna Beach, but only b/c of Lauren Conrad b/c i think she’s hot as hell.
@Panama Jackson, the new Melrose Place is pretty good. I think I might like it better than 90210 now…betweent those two and Gossip Girl CW is kinda on point! lol
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
I used to be into Dawson’s Creek back in the day. Showing my age with that.
@Big Man, I don’t imagine Dawson’s Creek followers being that old, not even over 25.
If you had said Knots Landing or Falcon Crest or some sh*t, all bets would be off.
@Big Man,
*daps fellow Dawson’s Creek fan*
I’m a girl, though so…yeah. But if a nicca watches and then proceeds to use one of those 14-syllable words they loved on that show? Turn-on!
@Big Man, “I used to be into Dawson’s Creek back in the day. Showing my age with that.”
Man, the whole football team in high school decided that watching Dawson’s Creekw as not gay . . . then decided to talk about it . . . I still think that sh!t was hilarious . . . watching chick flicks . . . passing a referendum . . . all is good . . . I used to fukk wit it too though . . .
@Stuff Ghetto People Like,
funny you mention soap operas. my dad doesn’t like Grey’s Anatomy becuz he said it’s too soap opera-y and that’s for sisses. yet he watches Project Runway with my mom every week. and if they have to miss it they DVR it.
and like your cousins, my dad is as far from gay as a man can get.
@Gem of the Ocean,
LOL. This is adorable. My hyper-masculine father (we call him a grizzly bear behind his back) watches “Dance Your Ass Off”. He even forms little opinions about who he thinks should win.
Hearing his overly aggressive, ghetto ass growl things like “Ya know Mary really slimmed down since last week” melts my heart.
@Me fail english?,
lol @ mary really slimmed down since last week
What I secretly like about you guys…
1. That you can quote sports stats all the way back to four minutes and 13 seconds after you were born.
2. The draws that you wear that should be thrown away.
3. The way your kisses taste after you’ve been drinking beer.
4. Your strong silence – yeah, I might say I want you to talk more, but dammit, my girlfriends talk enough. When I’m with you, I just want to soak up you, your scent, your essence, your strength.
And I could go on…but, er um…just decided I needed to cuddle with my Cleezy.
Chunkin’ up da dueces!
@SexyCool,
I thought I was the only one re: #3! I will NOT drink a beer, but love to kiss a beer drinker…judge not
@EbonyI,
Me too! Although I will drink a beer dependning on what’s available.
@Me fail english?
Heine Light drinker, represent the thinker LOL…thats MY beer!!! dayum yummy!!!…*sidenote* I always thought brawds who drank beer were just extra cool, shout out to my great aunt Mamie, her beer Strols, aunt Shirley, and God motha Bernadine both drink Miller LOL
@EbonyI,
see i dont drink beer nor do i like when a guy i’m dating smells of beer. i dont even like the taste of his beer kisses. but that still doesnt stop me from wanting to kiss his nasty beer breath having self endlessly.
@Gem of the Ocean,
I’d like to add that kissing fresh beer breath is nothing like having stale @ss liquor breath slobbed all over you. BLECH!
@SexyCool,
That quoting stats thing is real. I love sports and i can regurgitate some stuff if needed, but dammit when dudes literally know what shoe size Tony Kukoc was wearing in the 1994 playoff season…..That’s hot.
@Captain Morgan,
actually that in particular is 93 percent gay, but I see your point
@The Champ,
noted.
“sleeping in the wet spot” lol!
@VeronicaCorningstoneD,
I like the wet spot…it cools me off.
@atltx,
Lol, that’s like saying “I actually love when she’s on her period. It gives me time to practice my masturbation technique
@The Champ,
While you bullshitin…that is the perfect time for medulla oblongata practice…I love women…you all are the greatest!
@atltx,
“While you bullshitin…that is the perfect time for medulla oblongata practice”
right.
or, you could just be like “f*ck it, it’s just blood” and still have sexgood list! I’m sharing a link post comment.
hmmm…as far as what I like… Ion’t know…i’ll get back to you.
@Ro,
link-post comment?
oh wait, do you mean link, post-comment?
i love number 5
@h3avensent08,
I love lamp
@The Champ, on the list of greatest comebacks for sh*t, “i love lamp” is definitely in my top 10.
i say that at least 3 times a day, including one time i said it to my boss after she said she liked a revision i came up with.
@The Champ,
I love lamp
*DEAD* You are on a roll with a side of slaw with the comebacks today!
Say what .. naw my homie… your on your own with that one. lol
@Selah,
and this was supposed to be a reply to VeronicaCorningstoneD. boo.