Pancakes, Waffles, and French Toast are basically the Beyonce of breakfast foods. Sure, the meats definitely matter. And, in the right environment, can be the featured food. Basically, “bacon” = “Kelly Rowland.” The starches matter too, just because you need balance and something to place all the blame on if shit goes wrong. And yes, Michelle Williams was Destiny Child’s starch. But if a pancake a waffle or a piece of french toast happens to make it on someone’s plate, it immediately becomes the star attraction. Regardless of how deserving the chicken apple sausage has been or how nice the hash brown’s lacefront finally looks.
That said, if a pancake a waffle and a piece of french toast were forced to battle to the death, who’d be victorious? Which one is the best? Who is the Serena of sweetbreads? The Lebron of shit you put syrup on? Let’s see.
A Case for Pancakes
—Is the most filling. There’s a reason you have all you can eat pancake breakfasts and not all you can eat french toast breakfasts. Although eating a bunch of french toast in one setting would actually be cool, you’d enter that restaurant a Delta and leave a diabetic.
—All things considered, the best pancake in the world is going to taste better than the best waffle. Waffle enthusiasts know this, which is why you’ll find them putting everything from ice cream to whale steak on them.
—If Jesus went to a restaurant, and pancakes, french toast, and waffles were on the menu, Jesus would probably pick the pancakes. This matters.
—Has the best restaurant named after them (IHOP). Although the food at Waffle House is slightly better, your chances of getting murdered at a Waffle House are exponentially greater.
—Is the most fun to pronounce in the bedroom. And makes the most sense. “I’ll pancake dat ass, girl.” sounds much better than “I’ll french toast dat ass, girl.”
—I had a pulled pork and bourbon pancake at Blogalicious in 2011. It was, and still remains, the best thing that ever happened to me.
A Case for French Toast
—A great piece of french toast will defeat both a great waffle and a great pancake. In fact, great french toast is so great that syrup isn’t just unnecessary, it’s counterproductive.
—Because french toast is French, is the only breakfast food where it’s appropriate to wear a beret while eating it.
—Is so good that some creative genius years ago decided to invent french toast sticks. Waffles tried with waffle sticks, but they’re terrible. They look like outlet strips. I hate waffle sticks. And, if someone tried to serve me a pancake stick I’d smack them in the face with it. It wouldn’t hurt, though. Because it’s a gotdamn pancake stick. But it would be embarrassing. Because who wants to admit they were smacked in the face with a pancake stick?
—Feels fancier than both the workmanlike pancake and the millennial waffle. A french toast breakfast would impress your parents. The only person impressed by a pancake breakfast is a fuck buddy.
A Case for Waffles
—Easily the easiest to make and the hardest to mess up. There’s a reason why there’s a wafflemaker in every college cafeteria. Because if you fuck up a waffle, you probably don’t belong in school.
—Is the most versatile. Can be eaten with fruit, ice cream, whipped cream — basically, you can add literally anything sweet to a waffle and it will work. You will die at 42, but it will work.
—The frozen waffle is a no contest winner over frozen pancakes. Frozen pancakes taste like the end slice of a loaf of bread. Honestly, I believe that’s all frozen pancakes are. Someone rounded up all the end slices and decided to call them “Frozen Pancakes” and sell them to our dumb asses.
Anyway, all things considered, the frozen waffle might actually be the best frozen food.
—“Chicken and waffles served together” ranks only behind “the internet” and “Nia Long” on the list of the most important inventions of the last half of the 20th century.
—You can make a sandwich with two waffles and not feel like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. You will be a gluttonous motherfucker, but you won’t feel like it. You cannot do this with a pancake or french toast. Lemme put it this way: If anyone ever made a biopic on your life, every moment eating a pancake or french toast sandwich would be edited out. You’d allow them to include the waffle sandwich moments, though.
All things considered, I have to go with the pancake. Because they’re just a bit more well-rounded than both the waffle and french toast. There’s a reason they have their own aisle in the supermarket. You show me a supermarket with a waffle aisle, and I’m walking out. And then setting the store on fire.
Plus, Prince makes pancakes.