Happy Holidays.

In case it wasn’t absolutely clear yesterday, we here at VSB would like to wish you all a happy holiday season. We’ll be back next week with some more fun and goodness.

And, no, the lawdwasntwillin’ so I couldn’t finish what couldn’t get done.

Here’s a little something to take you away:

-VERY SMART BROTHAS (AND LIZ)

7 Reasons Why I Love Christmas (Or Whatever Loosely Religious Based Holiday You May or May Not Celebrate)

Christmas is just a few days away and I’ve finally got the spirit. It could be because DC hasn’t seen this much snow since Rayful ran the streets. Or it could be because I just blew at least half a G on presents for my loved ones.

Ah yes, the Christmas spirit.

Now I know some people celebrate Kwanzaa, which I’m not personally big on, but hey, to each his own. I won’t begrudge anybody anything that keeps them in a happy place.

Either way, as a sort of way of saying Merry Christmas in a PJ way, I figured I’d let you all know seven reasons why I love Christmas.

1. Gifts

Look, I know giving is better than receiving (double entredre alert) and all that jazz. But I do love getting stuff.  Generally, I don’t need anything but you’d be amazed (as I often am) at how good some people get at figuring out new and curious gift ideas that I’d never have thought of. My girl? Queen of that. She actually got me alphabetical CD dividers for a recent holiday and I was like, “man, I’d NEVER think of this and I so need it.” Hopefully I do the same.

2. Hanging with family

I miss my family…a lot. But I have one of my own now too. Hopefully I can start some kind of new tradition like we have in my family down in the A where my uncle shows up with a trunkful of liquor and he and all my uncles just sit around and get drunk. Yeah, that’s a good Christmas tradition.

3. Mall Santas

Mostly because I find it amusing that this is the only time of year where a random white guy can have thousands of little kids sit on his lap and nobody thinks anything’s wrong with it. I’m guessing this is a confusing time of year for R. Kelly.

4. Christmas music

While clearly everybody doesn’t need to make Christmas music – I’m looking at you Jim Jones – most of the music is pretty entertaining and good. Especially from the Motown years. From TLC’s “Sleigh Ride” to Outkast’s “Player’s Ball”…wait.  How many people, by a show of hands, didn’t realize that Outkast’s first single was a Christmas song? We should just be glad they weren’t asked to create a St. Patrick’s day song.

Oh yeah, my girl suggested that R. Kelly and The-Dream make a Christmas album. It would be possibly be the greatest guilty pleasure of all time.  Like R. Kelly’s new album, which sounds like a The-Dream album, which sounds like an R. Kelly album. That sentence just made me want to quit life.

And likewise…

5. Christmas movies

I didn’t realize how many random Christmas movies there were in existence until I saw Steve Guttenberg in a recent movie. And he looked 75. Basically, if he’s still getting movie roles that means that there are too many movies being made. But yay.

6. Christmas dinner

As long as I’m not cooking it anyway. I love big family gatherings…at somebody’s else’s house. Cleaning beaucoup dishes? So not the business. Eating everybody else’s good food? So the business.

7.  Vacation

Nobody likes working and I’m not different. I love when this time of year comes around and the holidays just keep a-coming. Plus with all the red and green around all I think is Kool-Aid and money.  Two of my favorite things.  Word to the von Trapps.

Anyway, that’s what I love about Christmas.  What about you?

Merry Christmas b*tches.  And we’ll see you on the other side.

Happy holidays from Very Smart Brothas (and Liz).

- VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

PS. Lawdwilling, tomorrow we’ll have a dope surprise for you to take into Christmas Day. Lawdwilling, that is.

10 Biggest Stories of the Decade In The Black Community.

It’s been one hell of a decade, hasn’t it?  There’s been all kinds of random happenings. And since the Black community is usually prone to being apart of some of the f*ckery that happens over the course of history (OJ, anyone?), I figured that we, here at VSB, might as well get to getting like everybody else and coming up with some kind of list about this past decade. And what better topic of discussion than some of the biggest stories of the decade in the Black community.

Some will be obvious. Some will be curious.

But Panama Jackson will be sexxy. The decade has taught us so.

Allons-y.

10. Tiger Woods becomes a Black man

While Tiger might be the biggest sports story (and possibly one of the biggest general stories of the decade) in the Black community, ole Eldrick’s Black card has been pulled a long time ago.  In fact, the last time I think he referred to himself as Black, the Wu-Tang Clan started an investment firm and I’m sure Mos Def was prominently involved. Either way, Tiger learned what happens when you go poking blondes all willy nilly…you lose sponsorhip deals. But hey, Kobe got his back (and called himself the Black Mamba) so the future looks bright for Tiger, though I suggest he begin calling himself Tigga. That way he can start rapping with Jay as Jigga and Dat Ni**a Tigga. There’s lots of potential here.

9. The rebirth of Ike

Apparently Chris Brown’s PR people forgot to tell him that you can’t hit girls past age 7. Well, in February 2009, young Breezy put a hurtin’ on Rihanna and became the story heard ’round the world. Domestic violence is nothing to joke with, so I won’t joke about it. However, keeping Chris Brown, the MJ-heir apparent, from performing at an MJ tribute during the BET awards just seemed egregious.

8. Man’s favorite pasttime gets the “Super” treatment

An odd choice, no doubt. But when you realize how many celebrities bucked the f*ck up once Karrinne Steffans became a household name in 2005, it becomes obvious that very few other people were as significant this decade. Hell, last time this many celebrities read a book, a guy named McCarthy was running amok. And then her subsequent book? That book put every male celebrity on full blast AND inspired an entire nation of video hoes vixens to learn how to read so that they could write their own terrible “memoirs.” Take that Reading Rainbow.

7. Beyonce pisses off lots of women

She went from being the lead singer of a too-young jailbait group out of Houston in 1997 to the most famous pop-star in the world in 2009. That’s no easy feat, especially considering she spent the entire decade being pelted with haterade by women near and far even though every hater has her albums and loves “Single Ladies”. Her accomplishments this decade are nearly unparalleled.

6. “WHY WON’T YOU LET ME BE GREAT???”

Beyonce would be unparalleled, except Kanye West entered the scene circa 2003 with his recently dubbed album of the decade with The College Dropout, and then managed to make himself into the most important figure in Black music today. You read that right and I did not stutter. Hate him or love him, Kanye will always be around because he cares about the music. He’s pretty much the Stevie Wonder of our generation. Plus the whole skinny jeans things has really taken off.

5. Author JL King ruins boys night out

In 2004, author JL King adorned Oprah’s couch and f*cked up dating ever since. He inadvertently convinced women around the nation, especially Black women, that every man was potentially trying to f*ck his homeboys. Almost overnight, the term DL became apart of the Black lexicon.

4. Rosa Parks finally stops suing Outkast passes

One of the icons of the Civil Rights movements, Rosa Parks passed away in 2005. She was one of the few non-Presidents laid-in-state in the US Capitol building in Washington, DC. She was so important to the fabric of this nation that every major media outlet showed coverage of her funeral and procession…except BET who thought their audience would be better served by showing videos since folks could catch the funeral on CNN or some sh*t (btw, I can’t find a single article about this now, back in 2005, BET had a press release explaining why they didn’t show the funeral).

3. Botched engineering and a Hurricane with a Black name give Spike Lee inspiration

Hurricane Katrina needs no explanation.  August 2005 is when most of us realized just how little many Black lives are. On the bright side, Spike directed one helluva documentary though.

2. Michael Jackson goes to Neverland

I’m really only putting this at 2 to show deference to the historical context of the obvious number 1, but really, globally, more people were touched by MJ’s death than Obama’s presidency. Hell, I still miss Michael Jackson.

1. Barack Obama ruins “the excuse”

Well, duh.

Did I miss any??

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

the top five annoying (yet endearing) things women only do if they’re into you

ATTN: Today we have another VSB Double Header: This post + a new episode of The VSB Files. Make sure you listen to the next episode of our podcast after reading (and commenting) on this post!

hey hun. judge judy is about to come on. can you be done in three minutes?
hey hun. judge judy is about to come on. can you be done in three minutes?

while we’re quick to chalk these annoyances up to anything from pms to regular, garden-variety female craziness, they’re usually just there because they care. Continue reading

The VSB Files — Episode 002: The Cornerstone of Pimpology

pimpThe Champ and Panama Jackson continue in their line of slang editorialization, except this time, Liz is in tow. Join the trio as they discuss the first ever podcast and why Liz wasn’t there, gift giving and the glory of Brookstone, a very special reader shoutout, a letter from another reader and the subsequent discussion of how even some guys don’t believe in romance without finance, and strippers.

It’s a celebration, b*tches. Grab a drink, grab a glass, after that we’ll grab your a**.

(BTW, did anybody else notice that Twista’s “Wetter” sounds an awful lot like Do or Die’s “Playa Like Me and You”? No. You say you don’t remember Do or Die’s song? Or Do or Die? Ok. Alright.)

BONUS: Make sure you listen after the podcast ends for the World Premiere of the debut song from Mr. Oh So Sexxy, “Sexxy Two Piece”.

Download/Save As: The Cornerstone of Pimpology

Alternate download link

EXTRA BONUS: Download a copy of the Official VSB Theme Song