Thursday Amusement: If You Don’t Know Me By Now.

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We’re doing Thursday Amusement because Friday Fun is going to be insane tomorrow.  Kno’ dat.  I’ve been sitting on this idea for a good two weeks now.  The people will speak tomorrow!

There’s no reason for you to know this about me but I’m a huge University of Michigan fan. I remember getting shots at the Uof M hospital and they used to give me Snoopy band-aids afterwards.  I always wanted to go there for school and seriously contemplated going their for undergrad and later on down the line grad school.  I never made it to Michigan (not that I have any regrets, I am a very smart brotha after all, my alma mater will whip your alma mater’s a** 8 days a week, pal) but that doesn’t change the fact that…

…I could NEVER date a woman who went to or loved The Ohio State University.  What kind of pretentious f*ck school actually calls itself “The” and capitalizes the sh*t?

I mean seriously.

I know its kind of stupid, but it is what it is.  That rivalry is well recognized in the sporting world by all parties involved and basically f*ck Ohio State.

(Just to prove how insane my allegiance is to UofM, I dated a chick from Howard once, and they’re like Morehouse’s b*tch rival or something…except they’re not because they’re, ya know, Howard and we’re like, Morehouse.  Howard’s still cool though; they got a real bangin’ clock tower and everything!)

I have a cousin who goes to Michigan State right now and I’m conflicted about her decisions and the possible choices she may make in life, by the way.  I’ve expressed this concern to her.

Anywho, that got me to thinking about some quirky deal breakers.  I remember when we had our little tete-a-tete about dealbreakers, everybody listed things that they just couldn’t deal with, but really, those were quite sensical.  Somehow, “sensical” isn’t showing up as a real word, despite “nonsensical” being a word.  I’m truly perplexed by this.

Here is a list of other things that I know off top that are slightly-left-of-center as dealbreakers:

-    If a chick told me Halle Berry wasn’t pretty, I’d have to let her go.  Why?  Because she’s clearly blind and my vision’s already bad enough.  We’d f*ck around and make a baby that’d need LASIK before it was actually birthed.  Dump.Ed.
-    If a chick didn’t like Hurly Burly Coming To America, well, Loc’em And Smoke’em.  As perfect as this movie is, any woman who didn’t like this movie clearly hates being Black.  And I can’t date clear women.  For one, I’d have to throw water on her just to see her on some Hollow Man ish.  And that just seems like too much work to do on the regular.  Plus, she’d mess up my couch.  It may be IKEA, but it wasn’t cheap.  AND I put it together myself.
-    I SERIOUSLY wouldn’t even consider dating a chick who threw a piss fit about going to McDonalds TGIFridays.  I love that place.  I’m not even sure why but I do.  It’s fine American dining at a reasonable price.  Plus it has the word Friday in its title and who doesn’t love Fridays?  I ask you, who?
-    No love for Donny Hathaway?  Well you might as well one hug yourself darlin’, because upon hearing that, you’re outta there like the Chicago Cubs.

These are definitely quirky deal breakers for me.  They may seem petty to some degree, however, I just can’t comprehend some things in life.  Forget politics, if you are on some Ohio State sh*t, you got to go.

So toss your dealbreakers people, we’ve been there and done that.  What are those things pacifically specific to you that may not make sense to anybody else that would cause you to have to chuck the knucklehead, even if you seen him yesterday and he was cool?  (Name that Artist/song/album?)

And be honest; if you couldn’t date a man who wore speedos socks or a woman who only wore chaps granny panties, its okay, we won’t judge.

(Actually I will promise I won’t.)

-VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. MACHOSANCHIL

PS Beyonce’s new single “If I Were A Boy” (tagged) is that hot fiyah – Dylan style!  I love that doggone song.  It’s great.  I don’t like “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” as much, but hey, to each his own. And coincidentally, Christina Milian’s new song “Us Against The World” is that dopeness too.  No, for real!  I love pop music and pop music never had it so good.  “Together Forever” anyone?  You should check these songs out if you get the opportunity!  Eff it, I’m including the download links.  Don’t say I never gave you anything.

Must Be Jelly.

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With all of that talk yesterday about getting in trouble for not thinking (i.e. telling your significant other that you told your best friend something first), I got to pondering. And when Panama gets to pondering, pwatch out.

As a full service edutainment center, we can’t just run around and provide you reasons to debate all willy nilly without sometimes providing answers. Solutions, if you will.

McCain: Do you know who provides solutions?

That one.

(pointing to Panama)

Oh yeah.

So say you find yourself on the outs with your significant other. Let’s say that they caught you in a lie and have pictures of you, another person, two bananas, and a sock puppet that bears a ridiculous resemblance to Tickle Me Elmo. So of course they’re ready to let you go. But they need closure. Who doesn’t?

(Actually me. I get my closure when I peace you out.)

They want to have one final talk. You know what this means don’t you? They’re just WAITING for you to convince them that you really do love them. Any person who is going to give you an opportunity to explain your f*ckedupedness really doesn’t want to leave you. However, they realize that if they take you back without at least putting up a fight of some sort, it makes them look weak. They need a show.

So give it to ‘em.

Panama Presents…Get Out of Jam, Oh Jam, Teddy Jam 4 Me

1) Go to God.

A surefire way to always buy yourself some time is to tell your significant other that you prayed about your problems and God told you to change – as in, you’ve seen the error of your ways. I promise it always works. I tried it 4 times just this morning. For one, who can argue with God? If they do, they look like a heathen (which means you can probably hit on the spot. Score!) Plus, if they really want you back, they’ll ACTUALLY believe that you mean it. I suggest getting more animated as you explain. Hell, give a sermon and really sell it.

It also might help if you hold the Bible in your hand the whole time you’re talking. But put it down before you get some of that biblical lovin’.

2) Blame them.

I don’t know why more people don’t try this. You see, if you’re dealing with somebody who wants you back anyway, it’s TOTALLY possible that you can convince them that you messed up because of their own actions or lack thereof. For effect, throw in a bunch of non-sequiturs.  That way they really have no clue what’s going on. Peep game:

Panama: Girl, if you had just considered how much stress I had then perhaps you’d understand why I make Kool-Aid for my family. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but nothing’s as wrong as the night I kept you guessing. I mean, I-I-I have never been in love. Before. What a difference a true love made in my life. Big wheels keep on turning. Do you understand how much I love you girl?

Chick: No. But you’re right. I should have been more considerate. How about some steamed broccoli.

Panama: No baby. Make me some lasagna if you love me.

End scene.

And probably THE most effective:

3) Get defensive and don’t let her talk.

As long as you’re talking they can’t complain. Tell her that you thought she was a woman and could handle dating a real man with real responsibilities. Or tell him that a real man who handles his business would know that no one on the corner has swagger like us. Pretty soon she’ll be unzipping your trousers in a broom closet right before you go on stage to perform with your bandmates.

Or wait, was that The Five Heartbeats.

Me no know.

So I provided a short template for you. What are some surefire tactics to get out of a jam? And it doesn’t even have to be a relationship fixer. What about a date who’s thinking foul thoughts and you don’t want to ruin that free dinner? Or the late night goodies?

Commence.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

What’s the 411, Friend.

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Despite the inherent cornball factor that’s present in the movie Brown Sugar, I find it to be extremely rewatchable. For one, I can be as corny (and sexxy) as aybody else, and b) I lopve hip-hop, romantic comedies and Mos Def is hilarious in the movie.

Speaking of Mos Def, I’m watching the Hip Hop Honors right now on VH1 and De La Soul is performing. There’s no reason for you to know this but de la soul is one of my favorite groups of all time (with N.W.A being the all-time favorite) and de la soul is dead is hands down my favorite album of all time, period. Hell, I remember exactly where I was when I first heard that album.

Potholes in my lawn, indeed.

Eye know. Eye make no sense sometimes.

Back to the lecture at hand, while watching the TV show Soul Food today (don’t you love how I’m all over the place but in the exact same spot at the same time) and Brown Sugar came to mind, and specifically one sequence where Taye Diggs decides to quit his job as an A&R after witnessing the Hip-Hop Dalmatians remake Michael Jackson’s “The Girl Is Mine” into “The H*e Is Mine”. Coincidentally, that would be a #1 hit song today.

Word.Life.

So instead of going home to tell his wife, Nicole Ari Parker, Taye goes straight for Sanaa Lathan (who’s his best friend – forgive me for rehashing this but some folks might not have seen it) first. She licks his wounds (no pr0no), gives him some investment money, then they part ways. He heads home to his wife and tells her that he quit his job and then mentions that Sanaa’s character has offered to invest in his new record label. Of course, wifeyboo is pissed off that he told his best friend first.

Its common agreeance that there is no such thing as a platonic relationship. I don’t actually 100 percent agree with this but I usually get outgunned in those conversations, and even in the movie, the point was that ducking their love for one another – much to their own detriment – until they finally got their act together.

But that got me to thinking about that situation. Was the wife more pissed that he told his best friend first or that she is a woman….that he told first. It seems like the latter response is the right one but I’m not sure. I’ve asked some women about this before and they felt that the gender of the best friend didn’t matter. (They’re lying.) The fact is that when you make decisions that effect two people directly, you always go straight to the other person most effected first. Seems like common sense, but I mean, when you’re down, sometimes your best friend is the person that understands the most and knows how best to help you get over the hump.

It ain’t like you intentionally didn’t go to them, you just went for the person who’s always been there. Which could be another problem…the wifey/boo should be the first line of defense….right?

So I ask you good people of VSB.com, if you’re in a committed relationship (lets take it down a notch from marriage though I do want to hear if married perspectives are different), are you obligated to tell the significant other stuff first? Would you be pissed if they went to their best friend first? And does it make it worse if they go to their opposite secks friend with major news first?

Does anybody know where the Honeycomb Hideout is?

Commence.

Hip-Hop Hooray.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Let’s Make A Deal.

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Here we go yo, here we go yo, so what so what so what’s the scenario?

I thought you’d never ask.

So let’s say that you’re on a date.  In fact, let’s say you and your significant other break the cardinal rule of dating:

You go to the club together.

Sidenote:  I know some couples like to go to the club together.  I do not understand this at all.   Perhaps those of you that go to club as a tandem can shed some light on why this is a good idea.  But I’ll let you know, if you have a jealous bone in your body, seeing some woman’s puppies all leashed and begging for emancipation is not something your man is going to be able to pretend doesn’t exist.  It just isn’t.

So anyway, you’re at the club.  So say you go to the bar to get a drink and the bartender starts flirting with you…in front of your S.O.  But say said flirting gets you a free drink…for your S.O.

Hmm.

If you’re the S.O. would you be pissed?  You know your man/woman doesn’t want anything to do with this bartender, but it got you a benefit.  In fact, chances are that the flirting was only done because (especially with you in earshot) it was possible to get a drink for you.  Now, it is a free drink which in some ways could just make them a cheap bastard…however…you’re out with them so unless you’re one of those folks who could only get a subprime mortgage I’ll assume that you have good taste (you probably don’t).

I guess my main question is this – is there ever any flirting that your S.O. could do that would be considered okay?

People flirt all the time and don’t even realize it.  I’ve been told that I’m a flirt.  I think I’m just nice and smile and speak to everybody.  I’ll have a conversation with a tree.

Hmm….this also begs another question.  If you flirt but you don’t realize it, can you get in trouble?   I’m just a ball of questions right now.  Kind of like a toddler, except totally older.

For instance, for my menfolks, how would you feel if a man offered to buy your woman a diamond necklace, no strings attached, because he was rich and dumb and was just feeling like being benevolent to a beautiful woman?  Would you tell her to say hell no because you didn’t want no other man buying your woman anything?  I suppose if its something she wanted you’d not want to feel inadequate by not being able to get your woman something she wants.  But at the same time, it’s money you can spend on her in other ways.  Right?

Right?

Or wrong?

I mean it benefits both of you all.  She gets some jewelry she wants and you don’t have to spend any money and she doesn’t have to boink him.  It’s like the perfect trifecta of the come up.

As a man, there’s no reason any woman would ever do you like that with no strings attached.  If a woman gives you some expensive stuff, well you’re going to have to schlump her.  Luckily she’ll probably be 90 and almost dead anyway so you won’t have to do it long.

I once made a joke to my girlfriend about knocking up one Russell’s nieces so that me and her could be set for life.  Needless to say she was fervently against this (as any normal person should be), but the principle of perhaps doing something slightly wrong for the greater good of the couple…???

What say you?  Discuss.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

kegel, schmegel

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pants on fire

pants on fire

before i start, i want to preface this by saying that i appreciate the effort. seriously, i do. i’m being completely sincere, non-patronizing, non-condescending, and non-disingenuous when i say that. kudos and sh*t for the effort.

with that being said, it greatly pains me to let many women know that their efforts have been for naught.

all those magazine articles? lies. that convo you had with your girlfriend two years ago that got you hooked to the game? she’s full of sh*t.

what am i referring to?

the kegel exercise, which results in tighter, stronger, vagina muscles during sex, is overrated.

yup. i said it.

don’t believe me? ask a guy, any random guy, to list in order the qualities that made the best gotdamn he’s ever had the best gotdamn he’s ever had, and numbers 1 through 20 will probably be one of at least 327 synonyms of the word “wet”, followed by enthusiasm and energy. “tightness” or “vaginal clenching-ness ability” would probably fall in the 25-35 range, bookmarked between “presentation” and “color”.

now, i’m not saying that we enjoy boning women with vaginal canals so cavernous that each stroke echoes twice, but having a vice-grips va-jay-jay is not the business. it, for lack of a better term, hurts dammit, and pain is usually not one of the optimum qualities straight men we associate with good sex.

anyway though, good people of vsb.com, what are some other popular misconceptions about sex that you wish to debunk?

—the champ