Is that male camel toe?
Tomorrow’s Halloween. Yay. What that means is that some of you overly ambitious (no Pharrell) big kids are going to don costumes that you have no business wearing. Of course you get your standard slut-in-training outfits and the run of the mill “i’m too cool to wear a costume” costumes, but really, some people just take things a wee bit too far.
While most of us can appreciate the creativity, bullsh*t is bullsh*t. I remember for an 80s themed costume party I went to one year, I was Eazy-E. I had the fake chains, locs, jheri curl. And for good measure, I carried around a bottle of spray on AZT.
Hell points to Panama for $2,000 please Alex.
Really I just felt like sharing since we all know that sharing is caring. Why do birds suddenly appear every time that you’re near? Because I gave them wings. I am red bull.
Since most of you people here are indeed very smart, I fear that some of your genius might get lost in translation. Face it, just because an idea is smart doesn’t mean that even smart people will actually get it.
With that little tidbit in mind, I figured I might as well cut some of you off at the pass and give you a little primer on a few costume ideas that are probably better left on the cutting room floor of your mama’s basement.
Yeah, I said it. Your mama.
1) H1N1 Virus
While this might be the most popular topic on American’s mind, I’d totally kick H1N1′s ass 9 ways from Sunday if I saw it walking down my street. Nevermind that I have absolutely no clue how one would actually BE the virus as a costume. Maybe just a big ass cough. Or just rustle up a gaggle of 6 year old sick kids and hover above them or something while pointing violently. Me no know. See, this is exactly why its only good in theory.
2) Michelle Obama
This requires some mediocrity about the face so you upwardly mobile pretty chicks need not apply. And yes, I just called Michelle Obama mediocre about the face. Take that Glamour magazine. Take that, take that. Also, you can’t do tall and lanky if you aren’t tall and lanky. Come to think of it, the only chick who could be Michelle Obama convincingly is Olive Oil. And she ain’t real. See…theory.
3) A Black Miss Hampton
Mostly because then you’d just be living a lie and nobody likes liars. Liar liar pants on fire. Plus, white chicks have totally laid claim to this one. This is probably the dopest costume a white chick could rock. Look out ladies, they’re coming for Black men next. Oh…wait.
4) A Book
Mostly because if you go trick or treating in a Black neighborhood, most people won’t recognize you. And when we don’t recognize sh*t in the hood, we shoot first. And you do NOT want to get shot on some smarty art ninja stuff. I repeat, you do NOT want to get shot.
5) OJ Da Ju-man (or Juiceman, I’m still not sure how to properly spell this)
Think about it, while his mere persona is costumish and could possibly make for a fun look to see what you’re life would look like if you made all the wrong choices, imagine trying to say “buuuurrrrr” every 2.5 seconds and only speaking in sentences that end in “aye!” I tried this earlier today and believe you me, my boss couldn’t have been more unhappy with me. Hell, she banned me from using all words that even started with “a” because of it. Lucky for her my performance review is coming up or I’d totally aardvark that ass.
6) Any of the doctor’s from Grey’s Anatomy
Mostly because they STAY f*cking up folks at that hospital. It’s always somebody dying at Seattle Grace. Nobody would let you touch them. And touch, being one of the five senses is kind of like the hokey pokey…that’s what it’s all about. Makes no sense to me either. I’m here every Friday.
So good karma chameleons of VSB, those are a few that came across my desk as good but bad ideas for costumes, what are some others that can help folks not look like ignoramuses(i) for Halloween?
And remember, don’t be a Halloweeny, whoop that trick.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3 aka MR. I GOT MY TANGLE BACK