5 Ways To Stop “That” Dude From Trying To Talk To You

Every woman complains about the same things when it comes to finding some of that good lovin’: at some point in time, all the wrong men were trying to holler. Not only were they trying to holler, they would holler when she would go out of the house in a paisley-print muumuu, some tights, and a headwrap that was NOT the father from the motherland.

Basically, “that” dude is out there lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on you and hold you hostage to his crip-wallking teeth and incendiary conversation about his self-improvement program, Everest College, and why women don’t know a good thing when they see it. Plus, his scurl has NEVER been on fire.

To take it a step further, let’s just paint a picture of the guy women don’t want to holler at them the most, a composite if you will.

Ready?

Set. Go.

Gold teeth. Lime green 3-piece suit with 8 buttons (kind of like a Steve Harvey special), one too many pieces of jewelry, some Stacey Adams wing-tips, a temple-fade haircut with the Philly-dye to fill in his edges, drinking some sort of dark-liquor concoction that MUST include Hennessey. Oh yes, and he is particular to women he can affectionately call “redbone”. He also likes to call you “shawty” or “lil mama”. And he JUST might be 51 and have a child your age.

Possibly.

Most women go wrong by trying to reason with the dude or being nice hoping he’ll go away. These cats don’t go away. They’re like roaches. “No” is not a word that means go away. It means try harder. But unlike the Geto Boys, they CAN be stopped – without a shot to the eye. No Reality Kings.

It’s 2010 and VSB is still in the crimefighting business. If you keep getting hollered at by Svelt Leon you might stop going out and nobody will ever get the chance to talk to you. You’ll end up like the women we assumed Helena Andrews was talking about.

So here are some ways to stop Romeo in his tracks:

1. Tell him you have an STD before he even gets going. Sure  you’re deading your chances of talking to ANYBODY in the club you’re at, but be real, you and the guy you DON’T want to talk to are at the same spot. Chances are you probably should stop going there anyway. “Those” dudes travel in packs and they DON’T go to places where it seems like all the women read good. Kids don’t scare away men, but STDs? Fear of God (unless he already has one and thinks a second one might cancel it out – like I said, you shouldn’t be there.)

2. Tell him that your daddy is a cop (and you actually know him). For some reason, Black people really don’t trust police. I have no earthly idea why. But NOBODY wants to date a cop’s daughter. It just seems like a bad idea. Plus, if you know your daddy AND he’s a cop, he’s probably overprotective and watching you like Rockwell. Just seems like a better idea to talk to the chick in the 2-sizes too small pink leopard onesie.

3. Start talking about politics and local elections. This might backfire 1/100 times, but most hood ignant dudes don’t know nothing about no ‘lections. Mostly because they either can’t or don’t vote. To complete the murder, just ask him about his favorite book that wasn’t written by Donald Goines. He’ll go talk to a chick who thinks Zane is fine literature.

4. Ask him if he’s holding any crack on him. Not coca-ina. Crack. Nobody wants to intentionally date a crackhead, no matter how fine she is. That should be a surprise.

5. Say, “I bet you have small wang. (To friends, loudly) Hey, doesn’t he look like he has a small wang?” He’ll either pull it out to prove you wrong and thus embarass himself and possibly go to jail (win/win) or get mad and call you a “b*tch” and roll out because you are crazy, loud, and ignant. Just remember, he may try to kill you later on that night so I’d be careful with that one.

So good people of VSB, what are some other ways to get the wrong guys to not holler?

Floor? All yours.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Youzealie: 10 Most Common Lies People Tell in A Relationship

While honesty is a virtue and the cornerstone of a long-lasting relationship (assuming everybody involves knows what a daddy is…ZING!), the fact is most people in relationships tell eachother lies. Now, I’m not talking about huge “It’s your baby!/I don’t even know Tiger Woods” style lies, but more little white lies intended to keep the sanity, peace, and faith.

Why did I say faith? Well because as soon as I wrote the words “keep the…”, Michael Jackson’s song “Keep The Faith” (from the Dangerous LP)popped into my head, and I figured, if you’re going to keep something, as say a keepsake, you know, for the sake of keeping something, faith is definitely up there as one of those “good things” Beyoncé really likes, to keep, which must be why Michael Jackson so eloquently sang about it before he found his faith. No Conrad.

Hope he kept it.

Huzzah.

1. You always hit my spot just right.

Yeah, okay. You’re right. Except really, sex is like Any Given Sunday. Sometimes,  you have a bad day (I’m looking at you Patriots) and hitting her spot is more difficult than Stevie Wonder reading an eye-chart. But she’s really nice if she tells you this knowing full well she had to finish the job herself AND convince you that you’re the man. That’s a good lie.

2. I love your mother (parents).

While I do actually love my girl’s mother, I know MORE than my fair share of people who feel otherwise. Thing is, is it really worth it to say that “I think your mother is a worthless hag who smokes more Jimmy Dean? And by the way, she smells like hot arse sometimes, tell her to Summer’s Eve that pocket!” I’m gonna say, no. At least you ain’t got Martin’s momma. Her biscuits (no buttocks) were supposed to be slammin’ though.

Speaking of biscuits…

3. You’re cooking tastes almost like my mothers.

While I would never say this to anybody, I heard my boy tell his girl this about a year ago. He knew he was lying when he said it. I tasted his girl’s food. If her mother cooked like that, she’d be dead.

4. You’re the only man/woman I ever loved.

Your pants are SO on fire, paco. I remember when you used to date Big Booty Judy from SW and you used to feed her oysters. And that time you all dressed alike, and you were 22. THAT was love. Anddon’t get me started on women telling that lie. If she’s over age 22, you are DEFINITELY not the only man she’s loved.

You might be her first experimentation with The Art of Dome, but definitely not love.

Hmm…

5. I’ve never done that before.

Saying you’ve never done that before usually means you’ve done it before but you just like to pretend that you didn’t do it before because if folks knew how many times you really did it, they might not want you to do it to them. Or at least they’d ask for some test results first.

6. I don’t know him/her.

Youzealie. You used to play Naked Twister every Tuesday in your less reformed days. Or better yet, “oh you meant HIM! Oh, yeah, I thought you meant the guy with the ‘Homeless Vet’ sign standing 200 feet away from the guy I know. Um, yeah, we used to date a little.”

Hell…

7. We used to date, a little.

What does that even mean? I know we like to downplay stuff, but really, what does that mean? By the way, that’s a chick line. A guy would deny, deny, deny like he was R. Kelly and you had a sex tape that included three penguins and a pet goat named Miley.

8. I love going to the opera.

We often lie about things we hate doing. This is how we end up doing a lot of things we hate doing. Like going to the opera. Or sitting through a talk given by Michael Eric Dyson – which I assume is akin to Hell.

9. You’re the first thing I think about in the morning.

Well, you in a sense, I suppose. But I’m guessing its you on-top or underneath. Eyes optional.

10. I love you.

Heh heh heh.

What are some other little white lies that we tell in relationships? Share. And make sure your significant other isn’t reading today or doesn’t know who you are.

And put some stank on it.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

PS And check me out over on Guyspeak.com as I answer some of the funnest (yes funnest) and strangest questions known to mankind…daily. Yes, Panama writes over there daily.

I’ll Be Your Pappy: The Silence of the Daddy Issues

While most of us joke about it, asking a woman if she likes (or knows) her father really isn’t such a bad idea. The way a woman interacts with her father is going to help shape her relationships with men for the rest of her lives, either positively or negatively.

That goes double for absentee pappies. But who really delves into it? It’s interesting how much time we spend in the Black community talking about how hard it is for Black men and how much of a set-up life is for most of us. We spend a lot of time doing everything we can just to make sure that we don’t go to jail knowing full well that we’re all one accusation away from the pokey.

Pun.

In that regard, it makes sense; the physical stakes for Black men are a lot higher. Hell, a man without a father living in the hood probably has a higher chance of going to jail, getting killed, or killing somebody else (and then going to jail). When you add that psychological impact of Black manhood, frankly, I’m amazed that I can even read. Granted I know my father and even had the benefit of being raised by him (after a certain point, I mean I am Black, he wasn’t always around) which in our community is as normal a tutu-wearing Sasquatch dunking a ball at Rucker Park in Harlem. Plus, if you take it a step further, Black males without a father figure will possibly take some of that dysfunction into their future relationships and continue the cycle, which in theory would f*ck up the community, basically, forever.

Our women are generally the vanguard of the home and the ones to keep it all together. A lot of us point to our mothers as the strongest people we know because of the drama they had to deal with and what they managed to raise us on. So I think a lot of women’s issues get left out of the relationship equations(psychologically anyway, not the “she’s just batsh*t crazy” stuff). We usually assume that women know how to be in relationships or deal with men when the truth is…a lot have no f*cking idea. All those same families with sons without fathers have women without fathers. Heck, when I do a non-scientific poll of the women I know well enough to ask about their fathers, about 75 percent of them have a soured relationship with their father, if they even have one at all. But that rarely gets mentioned and that impact carries over into dating lives. If you don’t trust your daddy, why would you be open to trusting other men. The one who’s SUPPOSED to want you bailed, so it must be difficult to really fully trust other men with your heart and soul.

How are you supposed to understand the dynamics of a man-woman relationship if you’ve never really seen one that didn’t include Bill Cosby or something called a Florida Evans?

Part of the reason women and daddy issues doesn’t get much burn is that for the most part, a lot of women succeed in other areas. She doesn’t know her daddy, but she has a Ph.D. or a J.D. or an M.B.A. and is a partner or an associate in some firm, etc. Despite the obstacles (and with the lack of a police presence all in that arse and because the WNBA pays less than a manager at McDonald’s), women with daddy issues can be just as accomplished and successful as they want to be.  Lucky for us, women with daddy issues don’t tend to murder anybody because of them. They might bust the windows out of a car or go full stalker on you, but those aren’t even felonies. So who cares?

And the beat goes on.

It’s really tragic that “daddy issues” is more of a jokey scarlet letter we attach to needy and insane broads than something we really discuss because really, if the women are all insane, and the men are all going to kill at least 1/10 of a person apiece, who knows where our community is heading.

Then again, I’m pretty sure Oprah doesn’t know her daddy. Whoopi neither…but she doesn’t have any eyebrows.

I’m afraid of an eyebrowless community.

With that said, good people of VSB, how do daddy issues manifest themselves and do you think daddy issues get their just due? And what impact are daddy issues really having on our community? Hell ladies, do YOU have daddy issues? And my brothas, how have women’s daddy issue affected your relationships?

Sit on the VSB couch.

Do tell.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

By the way, I realize not all Black people have mommy or daddy issues. And that’s great.Rah rah rah, sis boom bah. Unfortunately, ALL OF US know at least 5 people with an absentee parent (if it ain’t you), that has some effect somewhere. Thank you. And yes, Panama can be a “serious” writers sometimes too!

but when he gets on, he’ll leave your ass for a white girl…or not

tayediggs: n {taydigz} swahili for “black female boogeyman”

yesterday afternoon, the reggie bush essence magazine cover controversy — black women upset that essence would feature a man who’s dating a non-black woman on its cover, even though every other 4th string NFL running back has a more legitimate beef with essence (“if his no burn getting ass is getting magazine cover love, why can’t i???“) — sparked a gmail convo with a friend from college and i.

the friend thought that this was just another example of how often high-profile african-american men choose to be with non-black women (nttawwt).  (half)jokingly she remarked “i won’t say that half of ya’ll run out and get white chicks, but at least 49 percent of ya’ll do

when i replied that her perception was way off, she cited the study that was bouncing around the web last year about black men being almost three times more likely to marry outside of their race than black women as proof.

i then showed her the actual numbers from that study (3.7% of married black american women and 8.4% of married black american men had a non-Black spouse), proof that while it’s technically true that african-american men are more likely to marry outside of their race than african-american women, the difference between 91.6% and 96.3% is hardly worthy of any “all ya’ll n*ggas is playing in the snow” hysteria.

she replied (paraphrasing) “for real, i dont care about no damn study. all i know is that whenever i open up a magazine or watch a show about some famous black guy, at least half of the time he has a white girlfriend or a white wife and a bunch of little curly-haired kids. my eyes don’t lie to me”

i saw this discussion was going in circles, so i quickly changed the subject to jill scott (this always works).

still, she did have a point. if you just went by the impression pop culture and the media gave us, it would seem like high-profile african-american men have a tendency to sprint to the first non-black woman they could find as soon as their number hit. even militant-ass van jones and craig robinson (michelle obama’s brother) have white wives. this sh*t seems to be ubiquitous.

just to see how her perception truly jived with reality, i did an impromptu study of my own last night, looking at the black men currently on top of the pop culture food chain and who they’re in relationships with:

barack obama-black wife

will smith-black wife

jay-z-black wife

lebron james-black, ummm, long-term concubine, which is as good as a wife in akron, ohio.

hmmm.

i then thought of a few more uber-popular african-american men across various genres.

muhammad ali-approximately 17,000 different black wives

michael jordan-married a black woman while he was at the height of his popularity, even though said black woman was known nba groupie (which kind of throws salt on sister t’s theory).

jim brown-multiple black punching bags, errr, wives

jesse jackson-black wife

bob johnson-black wife

r-kelly-underaged black wife

oedipus rexusher-black wife

*in fact, i can’t think of ONE black male r&b or rap superstar that’s married to a non-black woman. not one. a free vsb t-shirt to the first person who can*

eddie murphy-black wives and biracial men

mike tyson-crazy black wife

chris rock-black wife

sam jackson-black wife

magic johnson-banging black wife that nobody in their right mind would ever sleep with

shaq: black wife, supahead, and numerous unnamed supahead doppelgangers

interesting.

then, just for sh*ts and giggles, since black professional athletes are thought to be the ones most enthralled with non-black booty, and since the nba houses the most recognizable and highest-paid black athletes in all of sports, i looked at the entire roster of the 2009 nba all-star game.

out of the 22 black american players in that game, i could only name two who definitely didn’t have a black girlfriend/wife, and one doesn’t count because he’s Jesus (ray allen) and the other doesn’t count because he’s a bitch (kobe bryant)

although i realize that my half-assed study was far from infallible (i think the term “statistical noise” was invented for sh*t like this), you can’t deny that it punches a couple holes in the weak “he’ll leave your ass for a white girl once he makes it” argument. the stats and the naked eye show that the vast majority of us still prefer to date and marry black women, regardless if we’re at the top or the bottom of the food chain.

the mythical successful black male exodus from black women is just that…a myth, a scary campfire story/lullaby told by those who want black women to think that we don’t believe that they’re the bangingest women on the planet, and believed by those needing a reliable crutch to explain their own dating difficulty. reggie bush just happens to be their most recent boogeyman.

i thought about logging back on to gmail that night to tell my homegirl about what i found, but i eventually decided against it. she probably didn’t want to hear what i had to say anyway. it was late, and i’m sure her usual lullaby helps her sleep.

—the champ

i miss your musk: five signs that you have stalker tendencies

NOTE: We released a new episode of the podcast today! Make sure you check out our interview with Helena Andrews of Bitch Is The New Black!

he’s only eight blocks away.  i should probably go say hi before he makes it to his car

there are few feelings better than the tingly zestfulness and effervescence and sh*t felt when liking someone “new.”

but, whether its a mutual flirtation, a person you’re actually dating, or just a simple crush, it’s easy to get a bit too caught up sometimes, and there are more than a few ways to quickly go from “awww, that was so freakin’ cute,” to “damn, that was so f*cking creepy.

people with stalker tendencies have trouble making these distinctions, and here’s five signs that you might be one of them Continue reading