things that make you much more randy than they probably should

do you like chicken?

of all the crushes i’ve harbored, none have impacted my life the way angie williams has.

angie –a high school classmate– was the object of my silent appreciation for approximately three months in the spring of 1997. it wasn’t that she was the finest or sexiest girl in school or anything like that. i mean, she was definitely attractive, but my admiration completely stemmed from the fact that she was f*cking grown.

not “grown” in the “i’ve had boobs and booty and i’ve been boning since i was 12” way or the “my 23 year old boyfriend is picking me up afterschool in his iroc” way, but grown in the way you could imagine an 18 year claire huxtable or michelle obama being. her grown-ness wasn’t overt. she wasn’t the least bit condescending or patronizing. but, she had a general continence and class about her that made her so far removed from the bullsh*t minutiae of high school existence that it was almost like she was a character in one of those teen movies where they cast 25 year old actors as high school sophomores and juniors.

even her usual daily “costume” –black rimmed glasses, guess jeans, and a short, halle berry-esque do when most of the other girls had weave or ponytails– gave more evidence to the idea that she belonged in some corporate office or courtroom somewhere instead of homeroom and study hall

because i was seeing her best friend, i never said anything to her about the crush¹. but, she made such an impression on me that i’ve had a weakness for women with glasses ever since.

seriously, from the woman with the slight lisp who played the school superintendent on season four of “the wire” to tina fey, glasses have a way of making me much more attracted to someone than i’d regularly be. i wouldn’t quite call it a fetish, but…who am i kidding? i’d bag an albino pygmy if her angular frame game was on point.

anyway, thinking about angie and angie’s glasses yesterday made me think of few more non-sexual things that make me much, much more randy than they probably should, and i’d thought i’d share four of them today: Continue reading

why your “number” matters so much to us

its a story we’ve all heard before:

boy approaches girl at lupe fiasco lookalike contest afterparty. girl is charmed by boys proper use of “peripheral” when describing her booty, and gives phone number to boy. boy calls girl three and a half days later, and continues to charm girl with the type of detached emo-negro affected behavior that sistas with glasses, asses, advanced degrees, and daddy issues love more than crackheads love stilts.

girl and boy plan date. girl is so enamored with boy that she requests boy as a friend on facebook. boy happily accepts, but is troubled when an email titled yo…” ends up in his facebook inbox a day later. apparently, boy’s buddy recognizes girl as “easy e–a name girl (ericka) was given while she was a sigma sweetheart in college– and warns boy that girl has been around the block more times than a mailman with alzheimer’s. boy investigates buddy’s claim, and finds that it is true. girl has actually slept with somewhere between 4 (confirmed) and 124 (rumored) guys.

upset by the fact that girl “hid” this info from him, and relieved that he found out before he actually kissed her, boy cancels date with girl, citing “shingles” as the reason for the change of plans. disappointed girl curses to herself, and begins to write and market memoirs about her experiences as a successful and single black woman.

the idea that a woman’s number –how many sexual partners shes had– greatly effects how society and (most) men will regard her has been practically embedded in our brains since birth.  little girls are taught how to properly sit down “like a lady” by their grandmothers two minutes after they first learn how to stand so that they won’t appear to be “fast”, and little boys are taught to avoid fast girls while we’re still so young that we’re still grossed out by what fast even means. this stigmatization intensifies as we age, as even an unsubstantiated rumor about a young woman’s excessive sexual activity is enough alter everything from her social status to her career arc.

nowhere is this idea more evident than in the dating and relationship game, where men are not only given carte blanche to insult, degrade, and dismiss promiscuous women…we’re actually dissed if we don’t. the only thing worse than a ho is a captain hell-bent on saving them.

there are myriad evolutionary and physiological reasons used to explain why this mindset has been ingrained in us, but these three are cited a bit more often than others

1. because there’s more of a likelihood that sex will do harm to a woman’s body (ie: pregnancy, an increased vulnerability to STD’s, etc) than a man’s, women who sleep around and continually put themselves in harms way have their decision-making abilities and sanity questioned, damning traits for anyone hoping to be a mother.

2. only in the past half-century or so has a man been able to verify without a doubt that his kids were undeniably his. because of this, its easy to understand why we hold relatively chaste chicks in higher regard than wanton women. its kind of hard to take someones word that “it’s yours” if you know they’ve already slept with the entire 2010 AFC pro bowl roster

3. men are natural explorers and discoverers, and no man wants to claim some scorched earth thats already been explored and discovered by the next n*ggas tribe.

thing is, none of these oft-cited reasons directly address the most important element in all of this, the real logic behind the continued animus towards wanton women, the driving force behind the boy from the story canceling the date plans: our dicks.

you see, for a woman to truly understand how neurotic men can be about our own sexual prowess/performance, take your hang-ups about your body, your weight, and your hair, combine them, and multiply them by ten.

why is this important?

well, if a woman’s been “around”, its assumed that she’s been exposed to an array of different people, penises, and sexual practices and positions. in the (typical) man’s mind, this exaggerated sexual experience means that there’s an increased chance that he’ll be unable to please her, and, subsequently, unable to keep her faithful. this is the main reason why most savvy men learn to adapt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy if they’re really into someone, but would have had serious trouble even getting to the “really into her” point if he was made privy to her past. even if this thought-process is completely off-base and untrue, we tie so much of our self-worth into our ability to satisfy the woman we care about that even the assumption that a woman might be sexually unpleasable automatically makes her unwifeable.

who knows, maybe one day things will be different, and women will possess the same relatively unstigmatized freedom to act on their sexual whims that we currently do.

until then, my advice for all the “easy e/erickas” of the world? build a time machine. if that doesnt work, just date reggie bush

—the champ

six things every grown-ass sista should possess

last week, panama blessed the vsb pulpit with 6 things that every grown a** black man needs in his life. since we’re ardent supporters of equal opportunity and sh*t, here’s six things every grown-ass sista should possess.

1. a hobby

“what’s the most important thing for a grown-ass sista to possess?”

you know, while others may respond to this question with goeswithoutsayings like “a job” or “an education” or “a passport” or “a genius-level command of their gag reflex“, an actual hobby that doesn’t involve meeting men or buying blahniks is usually the first answer i think of. nothing says “i’m grown the f*ck up” more than a woman who has genuine interests, enthusiasms, and curiosities, and actually makes time to partake in and pursue them.

despite this, there still remains a somewhat sizable sista sub-species of seemingly “grown” walking, talking, vagina zombies with no discernible interests infecting the dating game with their uninteresting-ass e coli, and i’m curious to find out how this happened.  it’s almost as if they all took the exact same “how to be a hobbyless ho 101″ course their freshman year at howard

2. girlfriends

like i said before, when a woman tells me that she doesn’t really get along with other women, i interpret it as code for one of two things

a) i don’t really get along with other women anymore because i’m a backstabbing b*tch who usually tries to steal their boyfriends”

b)because i don’t have any friends, i’m going to expect any man i happen to be with to be my sole entertainment for the duration of the relationship”

seriously though, if you’re over 25, you’ve been on the planet long enough to cultivate at least one or two good relationships with someone else in your peer group, and you probably shouldn’t go around calling yourself a grown-up until you’re able to.

3. size, age, and situation appropriate clothing

reason number 135 why every grown-ass sista should possess at least one good girlfriend: to put your ass in a figure four if you attempt to leave the crib like this

4. orgasm ownership

if you’re a sexually active woman, the “i’m completely and utterly clueless about my vagina and have no idea how to make myself climax” sympathy card expires a month after your 27th birthday, and you probably should pencil in a permanent reservation at the kiddle table during thanksgivings until your “too old to be shook by my own snatch” ass figures it out.

5. nice hair

whether you’re rocking braids or a baldy, a bob or a halle, deceiving weave or the “spelman pullback”, a grown-ass sista should know a) how to handle your do, b) which do is most appropriate for you, and c) how not to leave the house looking like one of those tragic maury povich mulattoes whose mothers have no f*cking clue what to do

6. a go-to dude

whether its her dad, her cousin ronnie, her grade school vice-principal, or vsb, every grown-ass sista should have at least one (heterosexual!) male in her life that’ll give it to her straight with no chaser whenever she needs to know “what does it mean when he says that he only wants to see me between 3 and 3:45am on the weekends?” and other deep insights about the mysterious male mind

anyway, people of vsb, what else should every grown-ass sista own before she earns the privilegde to call herself a grown-ass sista? 

and, since we’re all here, who do you think is going to be the first popular recording artist that actually murders herself on stage during an award show because she’s trying to top a lady gaga performance? (my money’s on pink)

—the champ


I Think You Just Went Too Far.

My current favorite commercials are by Bud Light where they attempt to display just how perfect Bud Light through the extremes of various daily activities. The one with the driving dog is hands down my favorite but only because I swear I saw Tupac driving down Central Avenue in Maryland one day.

Makes no sense, does it? Aw shuga no no no.

Well those commercials got me to thinking about other areas of life where people just might take things too far. Relationships, for instance. In every relationship, there are tests. The tests vary; some are for endurance, others are for sanity and peace of mind, which comes with every piece of the rock.

Prudential.

While these tests exist and will exist as long as man dangles, and patience is a virtue, everybody has a breaking point. I mean we all get pissed for things. But there are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed. And in the spirit of my good friends at Bud Light and their comical depiction of the medium, allow me to bump that up two sizes to XL. Basically, let’s look at some situations that might piss you off but you’ll learn to deal with and then the point where they’ve crossed the line. This is educational, kiddies. Pull out the trusty #2, take notes, and shut the f*ck up while Professor Panama is speaking. Did Panama just go too f*cking far?

Possibly. But f*ck your couch. He’s sexxy. This is what he does.

FOLLOW ME.

1) Sex Tape

Not Happy – After 3 months of dating and boinking, you find out that you’ve been taped on nearly every romp in the sack, including the time you sang the theme song from Pirates of Penzance off key while wearing a checkered table cloth and some tassles.

Crossed The Line – You find out that you’ve been taped by Googling yourself and finding your videos on youtube and you’re not even one of the most viewed videos.

2) A Little Physical Violence

Not Happy – Amidst an argument, you get slapped upside the back of your head, with people watching. You might be pissed as all hell, but you ain’t exactly gonna break up with them because of a little head slap.

Crossed The Line – Amidst an argument, you get hit with THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW. That’s grounds for dismissal and an all out air assault on their assesses.

3) Tattoo

Not Happy – You wake up in the morning to find out that your girl has placed a 4-day temporary tattoo of her name across your forehead and she thinks its a hilarious joke. Not that I’d suggest this for real, but you should kick her down the stairs.

Crossed The Line – You wake up to realize that you have your bf/gf’s name tatted across your abdomen in Sanskrit because they took you out and got you drunk enough that you thought it wasn’t a bad idea because, you know, you’re in love and sh*t.

4) Nudity

Not Happy – Your girl walks around nude all the time despite your please to put those puppies away because if they start hanging any lower, you’ll have to enter them into a Ludacris “How Low Can You Go”  contest with the Twerk Team. (NSFW…you’re welcome).

Crossed The Line – Your girl walks around nude WHEN YOUR BOYS ARE THERE. You have to drop her dunny. I mean really, you can’t just play that sh*t off like, “yo, ignore her, B. She’s just looking for attention.” Mission accomplished. You can’t even be mad at your boys either. I’ve seen dudes stare at nude crackheads. There’s something about Mary nudity.

5) Little white lies

Not Happy – Your girl tells you she’s taking you to a Jay-Z concert but she’s really taking you to the opera. Talk about a blower. And not a good one either. Not that I don’t have an appreciation for opera…oh wait, Panama TOTALLY doesn’t give a sh*t about opera.

Crossed The Line – Your girl tells you she’s taking you to a Jay-Z concert but she’s really taking you to Maury Povich to tell you that you might not be the father of your child. Somebody might have to die. Seriously, can you imagine that shock? How pissed would you be if you ended up on THAT show? Or Jerry Springer?

So good people of VSB, what crosses the line for you?

And remember, it’s Friday, let’s have fun. Be sexxy like Panama.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

That’s Just My Friend: Signs They’re Cheating On You With A Friend Of Yours.

Duck. Duck. GREY GOOSE!

By now, nearly everybody has heard about Robby Pardlo’s episode of the A&E show, Intervention, where he’s exposed as an alcoholic. In said episode, he admits that part of his unwinding into a raging drunk was because his girlfriend of years, Claudette Ortiz, dumped her for their bandmate Ryan Toby, who she eventually married and apparently cheated on AT LEAST two times (she has 3 kids, two of which aren’t his, but were both born WHILE she was married to him).

Da f*ck? Where dey do dat at?

While I’ve never knowingly had a girlfriend cheat on me with one of my boys, I did have an ex openly ask me if she could pursue something with one of mi hombres after I broke up with her. Me? I said, “sure, go ahead.” I really didn’t give a flying frog f*ck about her at that point and had she been hit by a rhinosaurus driving a Silverado I wouldn’t have given two sh*ts. Mostly because she cheated on me with a dude I DIDN’T know. But I knew she cheated.

I’ve lost my point. Oh John the Rabbit, oh yes. So, the whole time we were dating, apparently she was scheming on my homey though she never pursued until we broke up. And I knew something was up. How’d I know? Well, I’m a beast, I’m a dog, I’m a motherf*cking problem. But more simply, people will tell you everything you need to know. Follow me.

1. They start randomly mentioning your friend out nowhere.

You ever been out with one of your friends and they can’t stop talking about somebody new they know. But even worse, they find odd ways to bring them up. You need an example, don’t you. Cool.

Shaniquilt: I really love what NASA’s got planned for the future of hydrogen-carbide O-rings and staples.  What do you think?

Shalulu: Yeah, James was just talking to me yesterday about apples and I was thinking about NASA when he  had said…”apples”.

Shaniquilt: Da f*ck?

So imagine that scenario if you and your girl are in the car and you say:

You: Baby I love these Skittles you bought me. They so tart.

Her: James loves Skittles too.

You: Um, yeah. Why’d you bring him up there.

Her: No reason. * whistling *

Sign number one you silly sucka.

2. Not only do they bring them up, they COMPLIMENT them.

If your girl starts doling out compliments to one of your friends all willy nilly, you should definitely give her a stern side-eye and make a mental note of it. Be clear, there is NO reason that you’re girl should be paying THAT much attention to any of your homeboys that she knows what king of cologne smells best on him.

3. They always want to invite your friend to functions.

Beware your gf/bf who ALWAYS wants your homey to be there because “they so funny.” Remember fellas, humor is what charms the drawz off of any woman. Thing is, initially it will seem really benign and actually nice and sweet that they want to hang with your friends but there will come a point where it jus seems odd to invite them – like to the bedroom or ice cream.

Her: I’m tired. You think James wants to come and watch movies with us and then possibly spoon. Don’t you think that would be great? What if he rubbed on my booty too! *shriek* Yay!!!!

4. They find ways to hang out with your buddy without you.

Not sure this needs and explanation, but you should definitely kill them if this happens and any of numbers 1-3 have occurred.

5. You catch them cheating.

Sorry, pal. We’ll see you on A&E’s intervention.

That’s a quick list for you.  Good patrons of the VSB, did I miss any signs???

Lay it on me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3