ask the champ: movie edition

Posted on by
484

***as written in the champs new contract, from now on, at least once a month the champ will directly respond to a question that was sent to the champs email address. the champ doesn’t really enjoy doing this, but since it’s in the champs contract, the champ will continue to do this because the champ has made it known that the champ will do things that the champ doesnt really enjoy doing, as long as there’s money involved. the champ is a whore. btw, if you haven’t noticed, theres also a clause in the champs contract disallowing pronouns.***

being that you’re a movie buff, i wanted to ask you a simple question: out of all the movies that you’ve seen, champ, which one had the strangest, most inane plot? i’m not asking for the worst movie, just a premise that made you wonder “what the f*ck were they smoking…and where can i get some of that sh*t for myself??”

for me,it would have to be “underworld“. think about it: a bunch of underwear model slash werewolves and vampires running around with capes, diesel jeans, and doc martens, speaking in old english but with australian accents and shooting each other with assault rifles. just completely weird, but, for some reason, it kind of works.

be easy

–t.j.

thanks t.j.

as you know, the champ is an expert in myraid capacities. from how to achieve the perfect standing “o” to orbitofrontal cortex hypoactivation, i am the master of many domains, and one of said domains is obscure movie knowledge. if you haven’t seen it, you can bet that the champ has.

with that being said, after racking my brain and “teasing the midget” clearing my thoughts, one movie stands out more than anything else. one movie with a premise so absurd, so inane, so inconceivably inconceivable that…well…it just leaves you speechless.

this is a movie about an undead black former slave/serial killer who only attacks white women.

please re-read that last sentence three times, just so you fully grasp the levity of that statement.

go ahead. i’ll wait.

done yet? ok.

an undead black former slave/serial killer who was “murdered” 100 years ago by a swarm of bees that he still occasionally carries around in his throat. an undead black former slave/serial killer who they say will only appear if you say his name in a mirror five times, but somehow always finds a way to circumvent that little rule.

yes, faithful readers and concubines, i’m talking about the one and only…

…candyman,

seriously…just take a moment to think about this. a black former slave serial killer who only haunts snizzles???? how the hell did this movie even get made? who green-lighted this sh*t? and how many wangs did the producer have to hold in his mouth to get this sh*t through?

can you imagine a producer going to an executive meeting trying to pitch this premise?

producer: “so, yeah…at the end of the flick, they’re gonna have a giant bonfire in the middle of cabrini-green, and i’d really like the blonde protagonist to be butt naked, and to get all of her hair burned off. that would be perfect”

exec one whispering in exec two’s ear: “who the hell is this guy, how the hell did he get into our building, and why haven’t we called security yet??”

exec two, whispering back: “ummm…this is the security guard. remember we said we’d allow him to pitch a movie to us as long as he kept the “sticky stockings incident” under wraps.”

exec one: “dammit! wouldn’t it just be cheaper to have him murdered???”

exec two: “we’ve already killed two security guys this quarter. a third might get the cops suspicious. your ass just needs to leave those baby goats alone? let him make his flick. with any luck, one of the coloreds in cabrini-green will murder him while they’re filming anyway”

how come i’ve never heard of anybody picketing a showing of “candyman“? “friends” would get protests and angry emails during their run because they didn’t have enough black characters (save for b.a.a.t. ***bad ass aisha tyler***), but a movie about a crazy black ex slave haunting white women somehow slips through the cracks like a fart in a stiff fall wind?

and, to make matters worse, the movie was actually scary, lol. sh*t, i’m 29 years old with a nice 403b and i’ll be a great uncle soon (seriously), and you still wont catch my black ass saying “candyman” five times in front of no freakin mirror, lol. i’m not taking that chance, i’m sorry. call me a b*tch if you like, but i’m just not too keen on getting impaled and disembowed by some 6’10 former slave thirsty for some white “gotdamn”

anyway though, excessively “gasfermating” joyous people of vsb, how would you have answered that question? whats the weirdest, strangest, and most inane movie you’ve ever seen and am i the only one still scared to say candyman five times in the mirror?

—the champ

the joy of **insert word that starts with “m” and rhymes with “fasturation”**

Posted on by
318

i remember like it was yesterday. it was approximately 3pm on a friday, culminating my hectic first week of college, and i was sitting in my dorm, pensive and determined. i knew my roommate was leaving town for the weekend, leaving me all by my lonesome for the first time since i arrived on campus, and i knew i couldn’t take any longer to finally “christen” my room. i wouldnt feel “home” without it. slowly and and surely, i locked my door, closed my blinds, and laid on my twin bed, conjuring up thoughts of that spicy harlemite i flirted with in the cafe earlier that day while the theme song from “trouble man” played on an endless loop in my head.

i won’t go into too many details of my 240 second blissful solo sex-spree, but as you can imagine, it was a joyous occasion. one of many memorable moments with me, my lefty, and God.

an unabashed “remote control clicker“, today the champ wants to share his love of “percussionisting” with you, and, without further ado, here’s four reasons why the champ loves ***insert word that starts with “m” and rhymes with “pastor nation”***…and why he feels that you should love it too.

1. vagina vetting

no sense of humor.

warped sense of self.

smells exactly how courtney love looks.

these are just a few of the many qualities the champ would consider to be immediate red flags and/or deal breakers, yet each of these pale in comparison to the horror the champ exhibits when encountering a grown-ass woman who proudly states that she “doesn’t ***insert word that starts with “m” and rhymes with “gasmerfate“***”.

usually when making this claim, they’ll happily follow up with some variant of “i mean, why would i do something like that when i can just call someone do to it for me“, a statement which basically advertises…

“hey everyone! guess what?? i have a barren and stupid crotch, and boning me would be like watching paint f*ck, only weirder. i also wear jeans to bed occasionally and i keep a fridge full of dad’s root beer“.

there’s no boringer date and worse lay than a chick who’s scared of her own parts, and nothing says “my vagina intimidates me” more than a woman who refuses to ***insert word that starts with “m” and rhymes with “grassy fate“***. trust me. run like you sell drugs in the school zone.

2. kitten control

kittens, with their big eyes, playful dispositions, adorable whiskers, and furry feet are the bane of human existence, stealth mammal spies sent from the devil to steal all of our belts and murder dave chappelle.

i, for one, won’t stand idly by while we allow these cute-ass beasts of prey to destroy our quality of life, so, through my daily “turkey bastings”, i kill at least one kitten per day. its the least i can do.

3. yup. we’re talking about “practice”

when you buy your ak-47′s, you don’t just start immediately and indiscriminately spraying up your block and harassing co-workers do you?? no. you go to the firing range to practice first. why? because even though your own your gun, you don’t know your gun.

maybe your gun has a light trigger-pull, and it doesn’t take much stimulation to fire. maybe your weapon needs to heat up a bit before it’s able to shoot accurately. maybe you need to practice your aim, cause maybe your gun isn’t as powerful as you thought it was, so your ass better be an expert marksman.

since you want to go through life with the least amount of unknown “maybes” possible, doesn’t it make sense to “practice” as much as possible, sometimes three times a day a bit before (and after) the big game? you can never have too much practice. i love practice. sometimes during a game, i’ll be thinking to myself “self, i can’t wait until i get an opportunity to practice this some more!!!!”

4. the multi-tasking test

lets just say that once you’re able to effectively type one-handed coherent. legible, and intelligent thoughts to a client on your blackberry while popping the pepsi can, there’s nothing left to accomplish as a human being. you’ve reached the pinnacle of humanity. you’ve solved the rubic cube, topped the summit, and passed the ultimate test. seriously, you could perish right at that moment and die a content person.

okay. thats enough for today. i have some, ummm, “weeds” that need hedged before i go to sleep.

yeah, thats it. weeds.

i love gardening

—the champ

The Second Shortest Post You’ll Ever Read From Me

Posted on by
436

Admin note: Sorry for the delay.  A brotha’s traveling down the East Coast.

Panama Fact#1: My favorite rap group of all time is N.W.A.

Panama Fact #2: I think DJ Quik’s song “Sweet Black P***y” is a masterpiece of American musicalism.

Best song on Dr. Dre’s The Chronic?

“B*tches Ain’t Sh*t”. Without a doubt.

Most innovative, yet totally misogynistic song of the past decade?

Ying-Yang Twins.

“The Whisper Song.”

Which leads me to this -

Panama Fact#3: If due dates and science hold true, in just under 3 months, I’m about to be a daddy.

It’s a girl.

Panama Jackson is responsible for shaping a woman’s outlook on life, love, and relationships.

Lord.

Help.

Me.

Thank you and goodnight.

-VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka THE ARSONIST

FYI – I’m in Atlanta this weekend. If you see a random uber-awesome, sexxy dude wearing a verysmartbrothas.com t-shirt on Saturday, it’s me. Love me. And take a shot with me to help me prepare for my new charge in life – raising a woman.

Link Of The Week: Sending My Love.

Posted on by
231

I miss Zhane.

I’m not even sure how to approach this story that I came across on CNN.com the other day.

In fact, I think the only want to do it is to put up some paragraphs from this story:

Breaking up over e-mail is a social no-no.

But sending an e-card telling someone to get tested for STDs may be a public health courtesy.
A California-based nonprofit allows users to send free e-cards notifying their sexual partners to get tested for STDs.

Um..say heffa say what??

Since 2004, a free Web site, inSpot.org has allowed users to anonymously notify their partners to get tested for STDs such as HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis.

It may not be the most personal way of delivering the news, but researchers say it beats not saying anything at all.

“When you weigh the importance of getting people notified, that’s ultimately what needs to be done,” said Jeffrey D. Klausner, director of STD Prevention and Control Services in San Francisco, California’s Department of Public Health. “By notifying them — even if it’s done anonymously, even distantly, even with an e-card — the benefits of getting someone diagnosed and treated outweigh the concerns of insensitivity.”

The electronic cards deliver the news in a variety of styles. Some are flirty: “You’re too hot to be out of action. I got diagnosed with an STD since we played. You might want to get checked too.”

Some are somber: “Who? What? When? Where? It doesn’t matter. I got an STD; you might have it too. Please get checked out.”

Oh no she didn’t! Oh no she didn’t!

I don’t know about you all but I can’t IMAGINE getting an e-card that suggests I get tested for an STD from somebody. Granted, if they come down with something then its great that they let me know that perhaps I should find out for myself…but these cards kind of lend a light heart to what could be a burning problem.

Truly, it is important that people get tested. But if I got this e-card:

You’re hot! But you may be hotter after what I just found out. I have an STD and its lighting me up. You should go get checked since we fooled around the other night and got real free with one another!

Or perhaps this one:

You’re so great I want to applaud you. Unfortunately, I may also have given you just a single clap. STD’s aren’t a joke, go get tested!

Or worse yet, how about the direct approach:

I’ve got syphilis now. What about you? You should go find out!

I just might be ready to lick off a shot or two!

My people, my people, what in the hell would you do if you got an e-card from somebody suggesting that you get tested for an STD? Would you be mad that this was the route being taken or just be happy they let you know?

And because I’m going to Hell, let’s come up with some cards of our own!

Now make it clap.

-VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka THE ARSONIST

Prove Your Love To Me.

Posted on by
431

I love that song by Fleetwood Mac.

“Every night I got to prove my love!” ~ random cat in The Five Heartbeats

For whatever reason, I’ve heard from various people that a little jealousy is good for every relationship.  Apparently, everybody needs to have a little validation during the course of their relationship that their bf/gf doesn’t want to see them with somebody else.

I call bollocks on this.

I’m not a jealous guy.  At all.  This has often caused issues within my relationships because I’m a little too nonchalant.  Fact is, jealousy is wasted energy to me.  If you want to be with somebody else…poof, vamoose, son of a b*tch.

You betta leave, me alone, pack your bags, get the hell on.

But this does cause me to be ponderous.  Most men and women contain jealous bones.  The mere thought of flirtation on the part of their SO tends to rise their blood pressure to Kill-Black-People-Levels.  And the twisted part about this is that this jealousy is a good thing.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want to see my girlfriend dry humping some random cat on the middle of the dance floor while “Single Life” plays in the background.  But that’s mostly because I’d be inclined to grab some random chick and do the same.

I mean have you HEARD that song?  It just begs for dancing!

But the other reason is because seeing my girlfriend in that manner would just be the most inappropriateness of inappropriation.

Basically, Panama James might have to slap a b*tch.

I’m not sure that I’d be jealous so much as pissed that my girlfriend would show that level of disrespect towards me.  I think that’s where a lot of behavior that gets categorized as jealousy gets lost.  It’s usually somebody doing something that is outwardly disrespectful or inappropriate and I don’t think that really has any place in a relationship.  But some people like to know that the person they’re with would get envious of the attention another was receiving.

If you’re that insecure that you need validation that your SO really loves you, that’s problem number 1.  B) if you’re one of those individuals who actually goes out and seeks inappropriate behavior just to get a reaction from the person you love, well you need Jesus, a box of Metamucil, and 2 2×4’s.

You’d think that if you fully trusted your gf/bf then the whole jealousy thing would be a moot point.  But much like the study of Economics and prostitution, that completely rules out the human element of life. If you see some man buy your girl a drink, it’s quite possible that you’ll be pissed about it…at her for accepting a drink that YOU should have been buying her (remember that whole post about stuff like that) but really, what are you even pissed about?
And how exactly is knowing that your man doesn’t want another man buying you a drink going to strengthen your relationship?  You see, inquiring minds would like to know this.

Or even further, what if you see some random trollop skipping around your man in a lace tutu and some black squirrel fur as she sprinkles glitter and unicorn dust on your man, and he’s really not inviting the attention but ole girl just can’t help herself.  As the man in that situation, how does that further the growth you two are making?

Or does it?

My people, my people, does jealousy have any place in a relationship?  If so, what good does it serve?  And should ANYBODY be jealous of ugly people getting any attention from their S.O.?

Inquiring minds would like to know!

-VSB P aka TANGLE JIG P aka THE ARSONIST

And one last time, if you’re trying to party with THE ARTIST KNOWN AS THE ARSONIST in Atlanta on Friday night at Sabor Lounge for Morehouse’s Homecoming, hit me up via email at panamadjackson@gmail.com and I’ll send you details on how to party with Mr. I’m so Awesome, himself!

I’m awesome.